₦airaland Forum

It's as if you took the words out of my mouth. I've always pondered in this. Why don't poor people just use contraception? Sex would even be sweeter when there is no risk of pregnancy. Instead, they enjoy saying they have a certain number of children to feed probably to gain more sympathy. I'm not like the rest of you that give child beggars or adults money. When you do, they go ahead and procreate further. A man in wheelchair who can hardly feed was given some money from someone on this platform because of his four kids. How doesn't ha know that the money would bring forth more children?

There is a five year gap between my children and it was very deliberate. I didn't have a supportive husband and I didn't want to raise children that I couldn't cater for single handedly and I'm a financially above average Nigerian.

The stress of child birth and pregnancy is not even all rosy for rich people, so how much more for people who have no food to eat it where to sleep. Don't they get tired of owing or being dependent on the wicked people of the world?

Well, you've spoken well on this topic.

Don't bother going ahead with marriage plans. The family would run their dysfunctionality on you no matter how you avoid them. Bad in-laws is worse than a bad husband in our culture.

Do not believe that your husband does not like his family or would always protect you. I speak from experience.

If you are from a decent background, don't bother giving your future children bad relatives. Life is so unpredictable.

I wish I could elaborate on this topic but I can't type much now. Free this man now. Don't believe he is as separated from his family as he appears to be. It's a defense mechanism.

[quote author=Hedonistically
That's why poor people remain poor. Their mentality can kill. Shame on those visiting people who live in one room and staying for more than one night.

post=44832579]This omugwo thing is constituting a nuisance for me now as I have one inconsiderate neighbour who invited his mother-in-law and sister in law to do omugwo together in their one bedroomed self-contained apartment. All of them there plus a steady sting of sleepover visitors stretching the compound's resources and inconveniencing me staying on my own. All the space for hanging clothes is taken over; sometimes water shortage is worsened because of all of then and all that, plus incessant noise and walkabout all over one's space. It's been more than four months now and the mother and daughter omugwo squad are still there along with the man's wife that gave birth.[/quote]

You should take care of your son. What if the father is dead? As the father is suffering where he is jobless, it seems better than him being rich and still not supporting. Anybody who has a child must be ready to take care of the child alone first and foremost because life is unpredictable. If one has a supportive partner (male or female), then that's an advantage.

Why is your moniker sounding female and saying that you are female also? Did you open an account as a female? Why did you do so?

The man is from a bad family. Bad brother and bad father. If they are sure that they are right, the brother won't be sneaking to pack his brother's stuff. A good father in-law would not insist on you moving to Lagos there and then despite your job and program. They left you no choice but to arrest the brother. Don't let mad people tell you otherwise. The man and I brother had no regard for you and behaved like a thief. This man is not the type to go forever with. You would meet another man in your future that would treat you better than this. Don't cling to him because his family would fail you again

I've been there. Not divorced but separated. It's been over 6yrs. It was easy despite that the relationship was extremely toxic. I mourned for the wasted time and abuse tolerated. I was bitter about financial and material things lost in the course of the union. I was distraught by the embarrassments and insults metted out to my family and friends. I relocated to a new city and started totally afresh with my children. Got a job and started a business.
The man that I was married to was the evil of the earth and a fraudster and womanizer. To top it all, he was grossly manipulative. Being extremely manipulative made it hard for me to leave early or even set boundaries thoroughly.

When you say this your husband left suddenly, I believe you totally. He might be a narcissistic. sociopath. That's what he did to all the women he dated during our marriage. Many did not know he was married. He would promise them heaven, use them and disappear suddenly from their lives. Read more about narcissists.

Don't be in a hurry to remarry and if you date again, don't be in a hurry to procreate. I chose celibacy as a means to be totally free and live my best life. I have concluded that all relationships are challenging judging by other people's experiences and mine. On few occasions, one may be lucky but I'm too lazy to and lack motivation to try again. That works for me but it might not work for you.
Find a hobby and most importantly, improve on your finances and network. You would be fine in the end. Many nights, you would have flashbacks of events and be bitter but time would do justice. Try to have as little contact with him as possible. If he wants to speak to his son, doesn't have to be through your phone. Don't allow him to Hoover his way back into your life because he would just hurt you a second time. Stop listening to gist about him. It would help you to move on.

You are still alive and your wife is behaving like this?

Sometimes, even sisters from same parents quarrel bitterly. She is a teenager and might have had a bad upbringing before her mother married you. She might have developed emotional insecurities along the line as well.

Does your wife share the rent? Or why is she saying your own daughter must also leave? Even if she shares the rent, that's not the solution. Your wife has applied no wisdom in handling this case at all. If her own daughters insulted each other, would she tell them to beat each other ?

That 17yr old needs serious discipline and sending her away is understandable but her mother would be unhappy and more issues would arise. If you had a rebellious teenager, I don't think you would send her away. Give her serious warning and let her grandparents do same but never allow your wife to think that you can't live without her.

The 17year old must learn to change else she becomes wayward and would end up with an irresponsible man. Is she not supposed to gain admission into a higher institution soon ? Just be patient but don't return her phone and don't give her pocket money till she shows remorse.

Are you saying that you have a total of six children in all or four ?

If your wife ends up leaving, don't worry, she shall be back except it I not true that you've been paying school fees and upkeep. Or she is the cheating type. To fend for her five kids alone and suddenly can not be easy.

Being from a family which your father was negligent might have made you emotionally unbalanced. Your kids are already separated from you so your vow not to let them go through what you want through is no longer within your control.

Apart from her beauty, what value has this woman ever added to your life? Can she be that beautiful? Is outward beauty that important to you?

You are in a very toxic relationship because you are being used as a means to an end. Why did her family make you swear that you have never been with another woman? How is that an issue after everything she has done?

She doesn't deserve your forgiveness and you are not doing good to yourself by keeping her. Don't dwell too much on the spiritual revelations because they further lead people astray. Be practical in your decisions.

Having a broken marriage is not the end of the world. You need to let her go and send your kids school fees directly to their school. henceforth.

I could not finish reading this thread because I'm busy but I might forget to come back to it. From the little I read, it shows that you have lost all respect from this woman. How did you get to this point? You've either done a very bad thing in the past that she can't forgive or you just married her without involving serious thinking...

What do you mean by "Just like a crippled man because of your two kids staying with you?"

Are they not your children? Where should they stay? Did your partner die or abandon you ?

Having children is a really serious thing and one should not bring children into the world under dire circumstances.

What's your location? I can give you indomie, eggs and gas cooker for free. Your English is too good for you to be carrying blocks my friend.

Have you tried cleaning for people? Like washing clothes, cars or scrubbing? You can go door to door to ask for this type of job. Recently, I realised my washwoman makes up to 30k monthly just washing clothes. She also works as a cleaner and closes by noon at a fashion designing institute.

It is not about your salary. 80k monthly is very small, yet, very big. It is the understanding of your wife and her family that is most important. Don't ever risk marrying a woman who is not gainfully employed and don't risk marrying from a family that are leeches. It's good that you want to improve but the reason should be for yourself and not for your fellow adult with hands and legs.

It is anonymous except it is deliberately tracked. You would have gotten all the comments and answers by just opening an account and sharing your story. Who would want to track a story on nairaland to know the identity of it is not fraud related?

It is not right for the husband to bring in a while family even if he is the breadwinner. Those scenarios are for shallow people. Even the ones planning to come have no shame in their game. Living with a family for a mom stipulates time frame is very dicey and everyone should try to avoid it where possible.

Different marriage dynamics exist. The wife may be richer but something must have made her settle for this type of marriage.

I remember when a friend of mine had a good job while the husband was jobless. She was also looking for fruit of the womb at the time and yet, her mother in law came to live with them. She and her son would be home all day lounging while my friend worked her ass off. The mother in law had no shame otherwise she won't live with her son that has no job and no child to use as a guide for her stay.

I understand those condemning you for not attending your father's burial but I am with you on this. If they have not walked in your shoes, they can not understand your decision.
You said your father and mother were separated and he never reached out to you ? Is that one a father? How could he not reach out to his son? Probably first son at that. Why did family members contact you about it but failed to reconcile you when he was alive? A man and his wife/lover can fall out of love but children should never be neglected. I can't think of any excuse good enough that a father would do so. Let's assume that your mother had brainwashed you against your father...what steps did he take to make sure how children don't think bad of him? You have done the right thing and other irresponsible men may learn from this. Don't let anyone use religion to deceive you about honouring your father. God is merciful to everyone and if no punishment awaits men who abandoned their kids, then no punishment for kids who abandoned their fathers due to his lack of existence in their lives.

It is not a bad idea to confront one's parents if there are resentments. Some parents have some their children wrong in many ways and for some, it is just lack of communication.

This is sad

I used to dream that I had an upcoming exam and I was never prepared. I'm the dream, I would know the exam was coming soon and realize how much I had to cover. It was like I never attended classes not copied notes until the day came and then I would be so nervous and suddenly wake up. I dreamt this same dream about 50 times, 8 years ago but I've never had such a dream again since then. Seems straightfwd but I'm curious about what area of my life the dream depicted...

Please don't feel pressured to go along with this dude. It's a big red flag. Even my former husband that was a 419, insisted that we did all types of marriage so that when I find out, it would be hard to escape. He kept saying that a court wedding could only be dissolved in the high court and I was wondering why he was thinking of a difficult to dissolve scenario. My church was licensed to give court certficate but he said we must still go to court again.

He is not an all weather friend but kindly note that telling someone that you've not eaten more than once also sends wrong signals. Except it is obvious that you are too busy to eat. Forget about this guy, he doesn't mean well at all. If you really lost your job and you were good friends, he might have offered a token to cushion the effect but then again, some girls would turn such nice gesture into an opportunity to take a man for granted and milk him. Just forget about this guy.

In an ideal marriage, it definitely should be discussed. The problem is that most marriages of nowadays are not based on the normal principles.

It is this lack of trust and selfishness that makes some people take such decisions. I know a woman who is not legally married but traditionally married and did family planning after her first child making up her mind that she won't have another child without legalizing her marriage. The husband was not aware and wanted another child badly.

It is a debate like buying property without the knowledge of one' a spouse or having secret savings. It is wrong on paper but in practise, it might make sense.

Some husbands want many children but don't want to cater for them. It is left for the woman to take control of generating offspring.

Troll, you are funny. You should have just made this a tweet on Twitter.

Where did they encounter your friends that they had the opportunity to be hostile to them ? Your parents are acting immature. It is a phase every parent goes through but they all don't act out the way your parents are doing. Are they retired ? Are they unemployed ? Are you the only child ? Are you super rich compared to your extended family background ? There is no easy way to go about it but trust me, it is like trying to break up with someone but still remain friends. You must be form and don't be framed into succumbing to their attention seeking. They would be bitter at first but they must get used to it in order not to give you problems when you are married.

CHoccolaTE:
Thank you for sharing,
Did you divorce him or did he pass? Am just curious what happened that you are no longer married

I left him due to fear of losing my limbs, my life , my sanity or all three. He has since moved in with a much richer woman and is playing daddy to her teenage sons. If I tell you my story, you would think I made it up. He was a big scam and remorseless gold digger.

I would never pick it. I might do other bad things but never pick money that's not mine.

In my opinion, a wife is a liability when she is hardly adding any value to her husband. It is not only about having a job or financial support. Some women are engaged in disguised unemployment whereby they claim to be working but they can't afford to feed themselves independently. Some are not directly employed but can provide financial support: for instance, a wife who by connections in society or friends and family can fix her husband rightly. I don't regard praying as one of the values as you mentioned above. Some women are very smart where their husband's are weak and the husbands depend greatly on their wife's smartness to handle many circumstances. Some are very hardworking in the home, very loving of their husbands and very skilled and focused in child upbringing so such women are very valuable to their husbands by the total peace of mind rendered. On the other hand, some women don't work or aren't gainfully employed, untidy, bad cooks, clumsy in bed, dysfunctional extended family members who also add to her husband's problems fincancially, morally and socially. Still, they are not so intelligent, have no support system outside their husband, have no special skills, are not even good looking or kind. You sometimes wonder what the men saw in them that led to marriage... Some women are gainfully employed and yet, help the husband save on frivolous expenses, bring his family together, find solutions to his probelms, encourage him to be better and still perform wifely duties well...

Try to find a hobby. Many successful people have had rough pasts. You must be determined not to focus on it. Date only people that truly love you. Never be under pressure to settle. Focus on yourself and a tangible career. If you're a student, focus on your studies and do well. Your mother has let you down by exposing you to that rubbish but be intentional to do much better.

I won't ever congratulate such a woman. I won't even make friends with such.

This reminds me of a guy who said he felt so differently about his wife after seeing her removed fibroids. He became irritated with everything about her... I believe time would change the op

It is right to marry one's true best friend and it settles all these matters. In reality, using a husband as next of kin is the right thing to do but women generally assume that if they die, he would own all their property and still marry another wife or spend it on another woman. on the other hand, a man knows that a normal woman would take care of her children first even if they end up remarrying after their husband dies. It is more common for men to cheats woman than for a woman to cheat a man. If a man does not use his wife as next of kin, his family can cheat his wife but it is rare for a wife's family to try to inherit her property after she died if she is survived by a husband.

When I was married, I used my husband as my next of kin only because he would kill me if I did not and he would surely go out of his way to find out. He used me as his next of kin only because he had no educated close family member and is enemies with the educated brother. He also trusted me so much that I am not the type to squander anything if he should die and high possibility that I would not remarry. Even though we both used each other as next of kin, it was for the wrong reasons.

You must talk to her about it. She would be embarrassed but she deserves to be. I wash my own pants before taking my bath daily because I can't even store dirty pants. She didn't wash them but burnt them? Ignore those asking why you brought it to nairaland because they don't know you or your wife so I don't see how you are exposing her. Sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers or find advise from people who don't know you personally. Still, I don't understand why you are afraid to bring it up with her.