₦airaland Forum

Biological clocks exists. Not a tale. (For both genders BTW but feel free to disagree).

Should it be a reason for the mockery and derision to people (especially women) who haven’t achieved certain relationship and family goals by certain ages? absolutely not. Because it exists doesn’t mean people can’t chose differently. Nor does it give anyone to right to pressure and mock them.

However that’s what a lot of people do. They spend their waking days and nights making sure that unmarried women over 30 feel like dirt on the surface of the earth.

To act like we don’t see it and then turn around to talk about those who notice this as if they are pretending it’s a made up phenomenon is just plain disingenuous.

@bold is brilliant. But those who scream it already know it. False accusations do exist. Never anything close to actual incidences of rape though.

Especially considering the wide and negative publicity that comes with it.

Anyone who accuses someone of rape falsely must have given up certain aspect of their own lives too and feels they have nothing to lose.

4Play:
As most rapes occur in private settings with no eyewitnesses, it's inevitable that there are incidents of false accusations. But the reality is that false accusations are relatively few compared to the true incidents of rape (most of which is unreported).

This obsession with the idea that women are going around falsely alleging rape and that this should be given as equal an emphasis as we give to tackling rape reflects a culture of denial that you get in a society where sexual violence is rampant.

Although it's very difficult to ascertain, there have been many recent studies of false rape accusations which suggest false accusations constitute up to 10% at most of reported rapes, some suggest as low as 1-2%. Admittedly, these studies are in the west but there is no reason to believe Nigerian women are more inclined to lie about rape given a cultural context where the menfolk are more interested in accusing every female alleged rape victim of being a liar.

Makes sense. It takes a very bad mind to accuse someone of something you’re are aware might destroy their life and you know they didn’t do it.

Also avoid the urge to call all accusers liars because you are feeling judgmental about the type of lifestyle you feel they live, or because you’re just a plain rape apologist.

If people are really for justice, they would wait to hear all the facts before insisting the accuser is lying. Anything short of that shows the person is not interested in hearing the actual truth but want the accuser to shut up. That’s rape apology not matter what you use to justify it.

This is painful. Painful .

TheKingIsHere:
He doesn't have an open marriage.

The open marriage issh was a cover up by will to hide his whoring wife's cheating ways.

The wife has been sleeping around since time memorial

If they both sleep around, then it’s an open marriage. Unless Will came to you specifically to tell you that he’s never been with anyone since he married her, then you can’t know for sure that they don’t have an open marriage.

If he said it’s an open marriage, what’s your own?

They should start sending these types of abusers straight to the gallows. No need for unnecessary waste of time courting case.

Akposy:
Fine, thanks. It has been a while I saw your food post

Haven’t been cooking much lately.

Since then, my wife's mother used to support us even though her family isn't that bouyant. My own family has at no time even risen to help me in any way. I am being treated like an outcast.

I commend your wife’s mom for helping you guys. God bless her

I’m confused. Are they not in an open marriage again?

Akposy:
Happy birthday ma'am!! Best wishes from this end.

Where's Cococandy

hi. How’s everything?

thorpido:
Well,they are not cheap.The cost range is about N100k - N150k a month.They provide 24 hrs services or you could have only day service.

Nice.
Not bad for a full month of care actually. But it would be unaffordable for some families.

I agree on the money part. If I were to choose too, I think money is more important. For me money would definitely come first.

Between the option of leaving or seeking extracurricular sexual satisfaction, if I were the disabled person, I’ll probably choose the latter. Saying ‘might’ because I can’t know this for sure.

But I feel I’d rather not lay in my own excrement for days and days because my caregiver left me while I’m waiting for someone in my family who previously didn’t care to start caring. That’s very risky.

if I were bedridden without any possible way of meeting his needs permanently and my husband stays by my side to nurse & provide for me. Yes, I’d forgive him some extramarital dalliances. It might hurt and would be hard to come to terms with.

However this is not to say that I don’t recognize it can come with complications. Might even end up making the person leave once they start falling for the side piece.
That’s why it’s not easy advice to give.

Unnerve:
Then I figure getting some sort of financial intervention (government, philanthropy, family members who still care, etc) is the best step forward.

This is because I can't quite see any benefit in considering the option of getting a side nigga.
I mean, having a sick disabled husband at home and banging another man outside is simply more stress on her time and attention, worse if this man will not be providing the resources needed for her to take care of her husband (I'm pretty sure no side nigga will do that).

So between the option of just getting another man for sex and totally leaving her husband, the latter actually seems like the more humane of the two because I doubt his 'unconcerned' family will completely abandon him when they realize his wife has left.

They actually killed him for #50 not for the mask. Terrible

Acidosis:
My point is we shouldn't justify the woman's consideration/decision to abandon her husband. The moment you're married, you've become a family. It shouldn't matter whether extended families come to our aid or not. These same extended families will be heavily criticized when they come to claim inheritance.

Who was justifying her decision to leave?

Unnerve:
Is it lack of sex that's her problem, or lack of money?

I can't make heads or tails of this.

both ?

Maybe if she has one, she will feel less frustrated with the other.

thorpido:
Long term care facilities don't exist in Nigeria.Just short term ICU stay and then the patient is discharged to be nursed at home.
There are organisations that provide skilled nursing care but they are home based.Their personnel are sent home to nurse people in their homes.

Okay like home health. That’s good to know. I wonder how expensive or affordable they are though. Thanks

Girl I’m full of stories with this one but I can’t talk about my actual patients because of HIPAA. It’s hard even when you’re just a temporary care giver.

this young man in his 20s working under my DH had an accident one day at work. ‘Lucky’ for him it happened at work so it was obviously ruled as work-related injury. That’s why he was able to get 100% of all the benefits he was entitled to.
Got his early retirement based on injury. That means his full retirement pay plus disability pay. Got all his medical expenses paid for.

Therapy upon therapy. Was in a skilled nursing facility for a long time before he went home with home health and outpatient physical and occupational therapy. Now he’s able to write with his hands but still wheelchair-bound. They say he will never walk again.

Their house was set up for disability access, with the necessary hand bars and ramps he needs to move in and out by himself. he of course has his motorized wheelchair and is able to move himself somewhat from location to location. He’s also starting to learn handicapped -driving now. So hopefully soon he can start driving himself places.

With all the help from professionals and the fact that the wife doesn’t really have to work for money if she doesn’t want to, she is still having a hell of a hard time. Poor child (she’s early 20s) lost so much weight and was having a legit breakdown.

Imagine doing this without any of the help/amenities I described above. I mean I know there must be people out there who do it. But I can’t even offer anything that remotely sounds like judgement to them.

Hathor5:
I helped someone in my family take care of her husband before he died. With all the support system you get abroad this was one of the biggest challenges our family has ever had to face. The wife was a shadow of her self for five years, her health deteriorating from year to year and this with all hands on deck and the best medical support you can get. She once hurt herself badly by lifting the husband to change his clothes. She spent a week in the hospital and I stayed with her husband. My uncle and wife stayed with me. It was a 24/7 job. Let me not share more details. I don't even want to go back there in my thoughts.

Commendable

missyojo:
Dear Poster, let me chip in one or two things.

First of all, stop giving your husband pocket money except in exceptional cases if he has an interview to attend or he needs transport fare for job hunting. By so doing that, his brain would reset and he would get up and look for something to do

Secondly, you have to reduce your spending on groceries shopping. To me if you have enough food at home it's better, cut off some other things that aren't important. Like fuelling the gen mustn't be everytime. Learn to spend within your means.

I am a civil servant too, what I earn isn't up to your's but I cut my coat according to my size. As it is now, you have no savings. Okay, God forbid oo what if an emergency surfaces and it requires money, where would you get it from? Would you go and borrow again? And before you know if all your salary would be used to service loans.

If you have a skill, I would advise you put it to use. When office resums, you can make snacks, moi moi or anything eatable that you know it would move. As I am, I take snacks to the office to sell. I bake Cakes too, I baked different flavours of cake. Cut it inside a transparent nylon and give it out as samples to my colleagues at work. They enjoyed it and I know I would get orders from them when they need one

I also sell the one's in foil plate for 500# thou I only bake it when one or two people request for it. That's how I started gradually, it's this pandemic that makes me to halt it. Think of another side hustle that would bring in income for you not just salary alone. Sis, anything eatable would sell if it's sweet. But DON'T SELL ON CREDIT

Fourthly, why don't you look for a lesser house to stay pending when everything normalizes. Because taking loan every year to renew your rent isn't cool at all. If it's a two bedroom apartment you guys are staying, move to a one bedroom apartment that is okay and less expensive.

I hope you would take one of two things from what I penned down.

Cheers!!!

pocohantas:
I don’t know why they are fighting it and getting triggered. We see this thing happen everyday. They don’t even waste time, they will ship the woman back to her parents or siblings. There are way too many of such cases, the few exceptions are dismissed.

The man’s family are not even helping and they all overlooked that. Toor!

My married aunt (I always talk about her because I really miss her). Got sick and couldn’t work anymore or take care of her home. Guess where she died, back in her father’s house because the husband couldn’t care for her.

Do you know why anyone was even slightly upset with him, it wasn’t because he couldn’t care for her (Men usually are forgiven for such) it was because after she came home to be nursed, he stopped caring at all. Even for his kid who was a toddler then. Yes the toddler of course had to come home with the mom. Dad can’t work and take care of a toddler at the same time we were told. Never mind that Moms do it all the time but we forgive him for not being able to do so.

But the moment he actually stopped calling, stopped caring, stopped asking how are they doing? Do they need anything? When can I visit? What does my child need? That was only when her family got upset with him.

I can only pass judgment on a cruel woman. But a woman who’s doing what she can with what she has will always get a “you go girl” from me.

Hathor5:
LMAO

100%

Imagine someone jumping on this thread preaching Christianity where someone called a woman in an extremely difficult situation useless to go on and claim that to be Christian is to live 'in enmity with the world'. Is there a second Christ than the one I was taught about? You can't make this stuff up.

Is my hypothetical decision if I were to hypothetically find myself in her shoes actually going to do anything to help her in her current situation? The most realistic thing I can tell her is that I won’t judge her and I won’t. (If anyone doesn’t like me saying that bit, too bad )

But It’s seem like it’s no longer about OP when it starts to sound like that. Like they clearly stated , it’s about them making a stand so we can know where they belong on the spectrum of righteousness. Not about advising the OP.

(I’m still doubting the OP a bit though because of the M in the moniker).

cutiereborn:

Happy birthday cutie

You can’t afford to live in a 350k rental. Not with your pay.
Allow the current rent to expire while you’re looking for a smaller place and then move . You really do not have a choice in that aspect.

He shouldn’t have to be told why this is necessary so I won’t ask you to “beg him with sweet words”.
But if you move, he will follow you.

Apparently since this thread is now about you and acidosis’s perfect relationship with Christ, we are waiting to actually see you state what you would do.

Except for stating how hard it must obviously be for her, you have managed to not tell the forum what you do about sex in this situation. Only to ride on his post to talk about less than perfect Christians

Since it’s no longer about advising the OP but about making a religious stand.Go for it.

bukatyne:
@ Neither here or there:

It takes courage and strength of character to take a stand whether it is popular or not once you are convinced it is the best decision for you and consistent.

I just started understanding that 'friendship with the world is enmity with Christ' after that.

Once can't choose God and mammon.

That's one thing I admire about Muslims: the average professing Muslim wants to stand out for Allah and not blend in to play both sides. Jehovah witnesses also hold a candle in that aspect.

Acidosis:
May be you should leave the thread to those who know what they would do; those who have the mind to state what they would do.

like you? Right?

And for the sake of clarity, we are to understand that you will stay celibate for the rest of your life?

CC bukatyne talking about American Christians in response to acidosis’ post to me rather than address me directly.
Neither did you state what you would do.

Stop asking the young man scary questions

sassysure:
There is such but in Nigeria, can it be available to the poor?


Anytime I see somebody in power bike, my mind will go to that guy.

I decided not to comment on the topic cos I wouldn't know what to do if I find myself in her position.

The lady I told you must have stayed cos of money , she may have stayed cos of love, but one thiby is clear. That lady is one of the most beautiful Nigerian lady I have ever seen and she can easily remarry if she chose to. Her background wasn't bad too. But she choose to stay. So many factors. Hubby called to congratulate them on the birth of their baby and from what he said, guy was on therapy on how to use his thing when it came back to life.
Wife was the one doing everything. Gosh, they suffered and I applaud that lady. So many instances it will come to life and collapse again.
He said she wasn't deterred, didn't know what was pushing her and even if she leave, his family will hire a professional to take care of him.
The question now is will that guy do the same for the wife if the table was turned. It should be around 11yrs now. I asked hubby if he wil do that for me and he didnt answer
Men!

Acidosis:
Can we just learn to address issues without playing the gender card? It's already getting boring. I didn't come here to deal with a woman. I came here to address a sexually starved individual who's considering cheating/separation.

That one pinches because it’s the truth. We always find you moralists when we are talking about women and sex.

Unlike you, I don't shy away from stating facts and opinions based on what I would do. What I wouldn't do, I won't say here. More importantly, I don't try too hard to please a gender. If she's grown enough to decide for herself like you said, she wouldn't take her matter to a third party.

You do try very well to police one though . We see you

To say you would do this or that, but not bold enough to recommend what you would do, just because you believe every woman should be sexually independent doesn't make sense.

It’s not about being bold or not. It’s actually because I know that no recommendation is appropriate for her except the one she chooses herself. @bold, as opposed to being what? sexually dependent? What even is that?

A prostitute should preach prostitution. A moralist/religious person should preach chastity. Stop acting like you belong to everybody when in the real sense, you don't live that kind of life. [Stop preaching what you wouldn't do. If your lifestyle is giving you good result, you should be bold enough to recommend your lifestyle. It shouldn't matter whether your circle of followers agree with you or not.

You don’t know what I would do. I don’t even know what I would do (besides not leave him) and that’s the whole point of my posts in case you haven’t understood it yet.

I have a circle of followers too?
Talk about off point.

Exactly. That’s why I said each person’s situation will be different.
There’s a lot that therapy can do such that the person can be at least some help to themselves if not help to their caregiver. Physical and occupational therapy can do wonders but I didn’t even emphasize on that because it may not realistic for them.

sassysure:
I actually know a family like this. Guy was wasted with his power bike. He was flown to India straight. Stayed there for like one yr. Money wasn't problem. Had a wife and a new kid. My bobo very close friend. The wife stopped work( they were fulani so the wife didn't open up to us that much even though his husband is very close to mine). I went there again like a yr after and he has started moving some parts of his body though I was told he frequents India like he want to go and wee.
Wife started work again( a banker), at a point he started working again too but from home. An IT guru.
Next thing we heard was that she was pregnant.

Make money o.
At least it will help you to an extent. That guy would have been dead if not for money. I heard about his accident on radio. Never knew I will meet him. I think that lady would have left if not for his background.

I don’t support her leaving the man. I think that’s too mean. I personally wouldn’t leave.

I also won’t tell her what to do to satisfy herself sexually. Like “please stay celibate for ever“. Or “you need to get a boyfriend”. None of it is a decision someone should be making for her.

She should be grown up enough to decide that one for herself. So if I tell her to go get a concubine only then will she will feel justified to go get one? Who knows, maybe she can arrive at an arrangement with her husband only known between both of them and they can find a way to make the situation work.

I do know that I won’t judge her for whatever sexual decisions she makes to satisfy her needs. Except if she’s being cruel about it.

I also KNOW FOR A FACT that you won’t be writing long moralistic paragraphs to condemn a man who has a girlfriend because his wife is permanently unable to have sex with him. Y’alls moral compass only starts working when it’s a woman’s sexuality that’s being debated. Don’t bother denying it. Seen it one too many times.

That’s my stand on the matter.

Acidosis:
In essence, you support the idea of getting a concubine to service her sexually or outrightly leaving the man because no one seems to support her over a life time contract she signed up for?

You can't be so sure she's been doing it all alone for 2 years BTW. Even if you have a lot of savings, it doesn't make sense to stay out of work for 2 years because you need to take care of a sick or incapacitated partner when your money can get the job done and create time for you to make more money.

Compassion won't change anything here. Make your position known on the matter.

Mariangeles:
This is a case of someone who wants to live abroad but still control her child/children the Nigerian way.

That’s simply what it is. Much of our parenting style in Nigeria is abusive. If you say it, then you’re too “woke”. Whatever that means.
On the other hand, it could mean you’re a feminist (I suppose that’s an insult ) if you try to discipline them the naija way.

People using this opportunity to try and dump on women and feminism. Have you all searched your consciences? Were your parents (dads and mom) better than his mom?
Many of you suffered abuse but termed it Nigerian discipline. He simply wasn’t having any of it that’s all.

They hit him with mop abi broom , how many of you did your parents use belt to decorate? Did that make your moms feminists too?
If you people actually narrate the beatings you received from your parents, his mom will sound like an angel compared to some of yours.

But as na matter of woman living abroad, the lizard brains have taken over the frontal cortex and reasoning is out the window.

Acidosis:
You're taking this too far. Most single mothers in Nigeria have maids and house helps. I don't have to be physically present all the time to get things done.

Now we are getting somewhere

Sure you won’t be one the to do it. Like we all suspected.

Ask the OP if she can afford a maid/house help. That’s a first step. The OP complained about being the one cleaning all the mess and has no help from any relatives. Add that to having to find a way to provide, maybe you’ll have a better understanding of why she’s frustrated instead of calling her useless.

You’ll be surprised how that one burden of caregiving (if lifted) will make a difference in her situation.

As for wanting a concubine after two years, it differs from person to person. I know some men who would be frothing at the lips at the thought of no sex for 6 months. How dare you ask them to. But you say you wouldn’t even think of it after two years, that’s commendable for you. Maybe after 10 years you’ll start thinking of it? Makes little difference in my opinion.

I don’t know how real this story is because a man posted it but it actually made me ask myself a question.
Do we have long term care facilities or skilled nursing facilities in Nigeria? That’s something I don’t remember coming across but does anyone know?

@thorpido, merahki etc
I’m very interested to know. Thank you.