₦airaland Forum

rman:
Deemain, you raised some serious points in your post below. I can relate personaly to all the traits u explained
Will u please explain the possible solution for someone that exhibits almost all the traits u described below?
[b][/b]

My suggestions for you are:

1.Acknowledge the effect of the past on you and learn to love yourself and pamper yourself.  

2. Heal your traumatic memories and your past - write about it in a journal, or talk about it to trusted others (this is called Carthasis) . It can help if you can see a life coach, a therapist or a psychologist in your area.

3. Forgive whoever hurt you. Free yourself from all resentments and pains and frustrations - Remember they might be unconscious and u may be in denial that you have such issues or that you harbour such pains or trauma.

4. Use affirmations or confessions (christain affirmations) to condition new habits, control your sabotaging behaviours and learn new behaviours. You can google afffirmations to learn how to use them.  Repeated affirmations work because, they work on our subconscious thoughts and therefore recondition the subconscious which leads to a change in behaviour.

5. Humble yourself by asking friends , colleagues, or your life coach to give u honest feedbacks on your behaviours to enable u make the much needed change. U need these feedback because u are not probably aware of many of these sabotaging behaviours.


if you are still having issues making the much needed changes, then contact the professionals i mentioned earlier.

Cheers.


[quote author=jonex70 link=topic]@jonex70 (m)
lagos,nigeria

« #158 on: Yesterday at 11:03:44 PM »
@Deemain, I don't have low esteem problem trust me when I say that. About my parent and upbringing u may have some point there. I have few friend buit I only want to meet people or want to see u only if I invite u.I can cope with anybody and can also leave with any type of humanbeing. I have never seen anyone that has ever met me and don't like me. I can intaract with anybody if I want to no matter your class or level. Matter of fact some people think its a priviledge to talk with me because they know I don't talk with people and wen I eventual do its gonna be sensesible one.I can also joke a lot if am in the mood. I hate party and am still thinking of joininh jehova witness because I like their life style and it suit me well. I help people at my own detriment not because I don't value myself but because I can always get another one.I can't just stand people suferring.I can give in anyway just to help not just money and I can turn violent to help someone if I feel the person is been cheated.I hate fake people and I like feedom and like people to do wat they like and not because someone want them to do it. I can't stand low self esteem people.ii can keep quiet for 72 hours without saying a word and still finish off Nigeria. Mind you am not a violent person but very intelligent according to people. I also watch a lot of inteligent movie and I like to learn from people mistake.am very imform and. Stay kin torch with happening in world 24 hours. I don't have good relationship with my parennt like u said but that never affect me. Infact they party too much and I don't like that about them but we are not enemy but we hadly see. So waiting for your reply but don't use most of the foul language you use in your first comment.[/quote]I understand my language may appear foul to u in a public forum but I came in because you asked for help and I needed to be direct with u because of lack of time. My apologies to u. However, since u agree with the parents part of my submission, then that would have affected ur self image, even though you may be unaware of it. My above suggestion will help u.

rman:
Deemain, you raised some serious points in your post below. I can relate personaly to all the traits u explained
Will u please explain the possible solution for someone that exhibits almost all the traits u described below?
[b][/b]

My suggestions for you are:

1.Acknowledge the effect of the past on you and learn to love yourself and pamper yourself.  

2. Heal your traumatic memories and your past - write about it in a journal, or talk about it to trusted others (this is called Carthasis) . It can help if you can see a life coach, a therapist or a psychologist in your area.

3. Forgive whoever hurt you. Free yourself from all resentments and pains and frustrations - Remember they might be unconscious and u may be in denial that you have such issues or that you harbour such pains or trauma.

4. Use affirmations or confessions (christain affirmations) to condition new habits, control your sabotaging behaviours and learn new behaviours. You can google afffirmations to learn how to use them.  Repeated affirmations work because, they work on our subconscious thoughts and therefore recondition the subconscious which leads to a change in behaviour.

5. Humble yourself by asking friends , colleagues, or your life coach to give u honest feedbacks on your behaviours to enable u make the much needed change. U need these feedback because u are not probably aware of many of these sabotaging behaviours.


if you are still having issues making the much needed changes, then contact the professionals i mentioned earlier.

Cheers.


[quote author=jonex70 link=topic]@jonex70 (m)
lagos,nigeria

« #158 on: Yesterday at 11:03:44 PM »
@Deemain, I don't have low esteem problem trust me when I say that. About my parent and upbringing u may have some point there. I have few friend buit I only want to meet people or want to see u only if I invite u.I can cope with anybody and can also leave with any type of humanbeing. I have never seen anyone that has ever met me and don't like me. I can intaract with anybody if I want to no matter your class or level. Matter of fact some people think its a priviledge to talk with me because they know I don't talk with people and wen I eventual do its gonna be sensesible one.I can also joke a lot if am in the mood. I hate party and am still thinking of joininh jehova witness because I like their life style and it suit me well. I help people at my own detriment not because I don't value myself but because I can always get another one.I can't just stand people suferring.I can give in anyway just to help not just money and I can turn violent to help someone if I feel the person is been cheated.I hate fake people and I like feedom and like people to do wat they like and not because someone want them to do it. I can't stand low self esteem people.ii can keep quiet for 72 hours without saying a word and still finish off Nigeria. Mind you am not a violent person but very intelligent according to people. I also watch a lot of inteligent movie and I like to learn from people mistake.am very imform and. Stay kin torch with happening in world 24 hours. I don't have good relationship with my parennt like u said but that never affect me. Infact they party too much and I don't like that about them but we are not enemy but we hadly see. So waiting for your reply but don't use most of the foul language you use in your first comment. [/b]


[b]I understand my language may appear foul to u in a public forum but I came in because you asked for help and I needed to be direct with u because of lack of time. My apologies to u. However, since u agree with the parents part of my submission, then that would have affected ur self image, even though you may be unaware of it. My above suggestion will help u. [/quote]

jonex70:
Reading people comment about this post has really made me feel relieved. Before now I only use check on nairaland to laugh wen I need to be and don't have any post of my own here. I don't really talk to people because I don't think anyone will understand me because[b] I think too much[/b]. I select almost everything I do very carefully I can even screen anything.I feel lonely sometime but still I don't want anybody to invade my privacy. I like to be alone inside if I don't have anything to do.another part to me is that[b] I easyly pity people even to my own detriment[/b]. Am poor but will still give my last kobo to help even someone that is rich if I feel the person need it that moment. Is all these part of been introvert or I have problem?

@Jonex70, you belong to the extreme part of the introversion continuum which I say have serious issues that need to be dealt with (see my earlier post in this thread). From the bolded part of your statement, what u describe is textbook low self-esteem for the introverted personality. Your self-image ( the image you have of yourself) is probably poor. You probably do not value yourself much. My guess is that you come from a dysfunctional home or that you had bad experiences in your childhood or adolescence that conditioned you that way. How was your relationship between you and your parents? What was your upbringing like? From the answers you give to these, u will find the root cause of your self-image issues. You do not love yourself enough to take care of yourself but feel compelled to take care of others. You cannot give what u do not have. To give love, u must have it in yourself in abundance.

Playing the martyr, by sacrificing your needs and desires in order to satisfy others is a recipe for a lot of pain and frustration in the long term,  Secondly, you seem to have a rigid boundary, not wanting anybody to invade your privacy is symptomatic of self-image issues. Normal people have boundaries that are a bit flexible, I'll need a feedback from u on my comment before I can proffer solutions.

Let’s not get it twisted ooo, even though I do not want to be a kill-joy in this great thread, I believe, for many not to get a wrong impression, that there needs to be a balance of opinion.

Introversion, like extroversion, is a continuum. Anything at or near the extreme end of introversion is bad. Anyone, who is to too introverted, shy, too withdrawn from society or worries too much, is lying on an edge that’s close to an unhappy sociopath, and is a veritable candidate for psychological –emotional problems and depressive tendencies. We are social animals. The extreme case is therefore a sign that something is wrong.

Someone asked is it nature or nurture? The answer is both. Nature sets the template but nurture builds the super-structure. If many people complain that there is something wrong with you, there probably is (not always the case though). Our world mirrors our homes. First within (the home), then without (the world).What was your upbringing like? Did you feel safe at home? Did you feel loved at home? Did your parents or caregivers encourage or kill your self-esteem? Or where you shouted down and deflated when you wanted to speak out. Was it safer to be alone by yourself or was there always conflict when you mingled with your siblings? These circumstances may have negatively programmed or conditioned your introversion. Yes, your introversion may have been negatively polluted by the agents of your socialization. You are not your authentic self.

If you come from a family that fed and built your self-esteem, you are amongst the lucky introverts, who are deep, creative, are good conversationalists, and are not prone to depressive episodes, or sociopath tendencies. You are at or near your authentic best.

If you do not come from such a family, you probably have these good characteristics inter-mingled with or suppressed by toxic characteristics.

Just my 2 kobo.

By the way, great job Kobojunkie.

ng\So Nigerians are getting wiser now. When 4 Igbo officers and I Yoruba man hatched a coup in 1966, the entire Igbo nation was accused of planning the coup and a pogrom was unleashed on the Igbos that eventually led to 2-3 million Igbo deaths. Today, Boko Haram is unleashing terror and bombing churches and some people are saying it's not muslims, it's not the north. Good logic, except that the same clear analysis was not and has not been given to events events that led to the war and the aftermath.

I will love for those who made this mindless logic, and continues to make them to acknowledge that what was done to the Igbos was most unfair, unjust and an undeserved holocaust. Let's start from this forum and tell ourselves the truth and apologize to the Igbos to kick start the process to national healing.

To heal this nation and save it from the brink, we need to heal the past.

madjune:
Though i luv his music but i think in matters like this, he should keep his mouth shut or take a transatlantic flight to JERRY SPRINGER LIVE SHOW.

chlowi:
does he realise that some fins are better left unsaid naaaaaaaaaa nwaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooo

chlowi:
does he realise that some fins are better left unsaid naaaaaaaaaa nwaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooo

Please, google the word ''Carthasis'' and find the meaning before you diss this fine young man. Yes, he is healing himself by speaking out and two, he is alerting the world of what happens out there and people should be careful and protect their children. Because of his star power people will listen to him. And yes, some, like you guys, will criticise him. Such is life.

Ask women and men who were abused in childhood what their life is like and u will hear what sounds like '' hell".  Rape or abuse of any kind (sexual, physical, verbal)  of a child has a reverberating ripple effect  that devastates and ruins the life of the grown adult. Rape shatters all the assumptions on which the invincibility of the human soul is built, namely, that before you have access to me, I must let you in. It's a disconcerting place to be.

Let's educate ourselves before we spew rubbish pls.

It's from Isaiah 41: 10

"Fear not; for I am with you: be not dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you; yea, I will help you; yea, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness''


Atula egwu gi kam nonyere
Atula egwu gi kam nonyere ("Fear not; for I am with you)
Elela anya gburugburu n'ujo (be not dismayed; literal translation: do not look around in panic or fear)
Nihi na mu onwem bu Chineke gi-o (For I am your God)
Ga agba gi ume ( I will strengthen you)
M ge nyere gi aka ( I will help you
M ge dobe gi nso (I will keep you close, or I will keep you holy)
M geji aka nri nke ezi omume o kwagide gi (I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness)

Fi[color=#990000]rst of all, i love myself. i understand what it means to love your self before u can love any body else. one quick question for you, you dont think anyone can achieve all these by having a man or a woman by their side?[/color]

It's normal for a man or a woman to want to get married, look for love, connection, happiness - those are values and needs that are very normal. Everyone needs it. My only issue is '' a little desperate''. It's normal to want these. What isn't a good sign is the '''desperate'' part. A relationship is a power transaction. There's probably a power deficit within u. The danger in it is that if your partner has the power in your relationship, then he may manipulate or mess with you. Besides, that little desperation, may transform into neediness in the relationship proper. This can pollute your relationship. Solve that power deficit issue. I think u are almost there. Do the project me stuff and u will be Ok.

its ok to feel this way, majority of the response i got from females made me understand that its normal to feel a lil desperate some times especially when u are leaving that adolescent stage, that does not mean i let desperation cloud your sense of reasoning.

It's not Ok. It's the reason, most of these women made the mistakes they made in their lives.



there is suppose to be a viod. its very normal. i cant possibly fill up every void i have in my heart. thats why even a man with all the money of this world cant be happy if he has no wife, children or love from family,
as a human being i crave happiness, i want to be able to fall in love with a man a build a family with him, thats a void money cannot buy, its a void "a families love" can not fill, its a void education can not buy either. its just very normal to feel this way as a human being.

No one can fill your void! Momentarily yes. After a while, it becomes a burden, a job. No one want's that. Marriage should be about giving not receiving. It's the cause of so much conflicts in relationships. L.C.M : Fill ur void yourself, and you will be a powerful giver in your marriage. A woman like that is irresistible. Priceless! Every man wants that. U have him at the palm of your hand. The same goes for men too.

Nnemdi, ur response ''I'm feeling desperate, not that am acting desperate" struck a cord in me. This is not a diss. I'm serious.

My advice is: That feeling is a disaster in waiting. It's a time bomb. Kill that feeling. Take some time off for yourself. I usually call it ''project me''. Sort yourself out. Find urself, who u truly are, your beliefs, values, needs, temperament, behavioural patters, attitudes, goals, dreams, purpose. Then after u have done this. LOVE yourself. What I mean is: fill yourself with so much love that it overflows, diffuses, emits, from all over u. The word is ''Love urself die!" . Do affirmations, nfesstions and engage in coactivities that are in resonance with loving urself. Bottom line is : that feeling must vanish.

I have read ur posts and I feel u are an intelligent and mature girl. But it takes more than that. Many good and intelligent men and women have made Richter scale shattering mistakes because of this little feeling of ''desperation''. The implication of the that ''little desperate feeling'' is dire. It means there is a void somewhere, which u can't place ur hand on and which u need someone to fill. That's where d danger lies! In marriage, it's a no no! For marriage to work 1+1 =1. The meaning is that you must first be ''1'' . 1 is a whole number. That is: not needy, not desperate, whole. It's a synonym of the injunction : Love thy neighbour as thyself. Loving thyself is key. Love does not feel '' a little desperate'',

I repeat: do '' project me'' achieve growth in other areas of your life, achieve other goals while u are at it. Grow in confidence and love. Then u will be ready. U will see more clearly and your decisions on your Mr RIGHT will be more like it and the likelihood of heartache in marriage itself will have been minimized.

Just my 2 kobo to u. Best wishes.


















Only when that feeling has vanished can u conclude that you are ready for marriage. Only when u have enough of love on ur inside to give out will u say u are ready for marriaage!.

Ivynwa, I'm touched by ur comment.

Heartfelt. Profound. Hope we can all rediscover that which makes us human.

[quote author=Negro_Ntns link=topic=826801.msg9791723#msg9791723 date=1324232123]Very thoughtful and nice commentaries and responses.

I have a thought to offer but need first to know if anyone has a suicidal rate study report broken down by demography and local area (urban vs rural type settings) of the victims. First for Nigeria and second for the major industrialized world (US, Europe and so on. . . .)

There could be an association between environmntal dynamics and the consciousness. Humanity finds fulfillment in the spirit and not in the physical body. At all times, an individual is battling a conflict between the inner spirit and the outer needs. There is need to have balance so that the individual continues with focus on his/her ideals. The balance is provided by environmntal factors. If the individual is isolated and insulated for too long from sensing and finding his/her tune with natural habitats (trees, lakes, rivers, meadows, bird songs, mountains, valleys, animals, . . . . ) then the desired balance is tipped and if not soon restored to an even keel, the indicvidual's sanity is likewise tipped to the edge. For this reason, it is advisable to immerse peopl on th edge into natural habitats in what is commonly termed retreats.

I know in Nigeria we used to have a rural healing therapy for insane people. This was before all these overnight evangelists propped up lft and right commercializing th nam of Christ as the solution to insanity. The therapy was to send an insane person to a farm settlement as a hand on the farm helping with tilling the soil and animal husbandry. The success rate was great, some needed repeated immersions to toally heal and be reabsorbed into normal society. This is in no way to say that there is no insanity in rural aras but those are more of genetic than environmntal.[/quote]Hi Negro_Ntns, it's an interesting post from u. This rural healing therapy u r talking about - can u give more details. Am interested in this. Any links or wherever?

DeeMain:
Suicide happens when

1.) The individual believes life has no meaning. The victim says "I' giving up. My life has no meaning. '' Meaning is everything~! If there's no meaning in life, then life's not worth living.

2.) When life's circumstances becomes too painful and one feels one has no control over events and that the conditions are permanent and will persist.

3.) Chemical imbalances in the individuals body system that eventually leads to depression. Research proves that the trigger to these imbalances are events and experiences from  pregnancy,  childhood upbringing, or adolescence or even from traumatic events in adulthood.

Solution:

a) find meaning in your pain.  The violation victim becomes a activist for other violation victims. The abused child becomes a motivational speaker inspiring others that they too can make it.  Many best sellers are stories woven around people in this category.

b) find a therapist, a life coach, psychologist or a psychiatrist in your area.  U need all the professional help u can get.

(Oti-igba your friend falls into this category). Is he here in Nigeria?

The violated victim becomes an activist for other violated victims.

Suicide happens when

1.) The individual believes life has no meaning. The victim says "I' giving up. My life has no meaning. '' Meaning is everything~! If there's no meaning in life, then life's not worth living.

2.) When life's circumstances becomes too painful and one feels one has no control over events and that the conditions are permanent and will persist.

3.) Chemical imbalances in the individuals body system that eventually leads to depression. Research proves that the trigger to these imbalances are events and experiences from  pregnancy,  childhood upbringing, or adolescence or even from traumatic events in adulthood.

Solution:

a) find meaning in your pain.  The rape victim becomes a activist for other rape victims. The abused child becomes a motivational speaker inspiring others that they too can make it.  Many best sellers are stories woven around people in this category.

b) find a therapist, a life coach, psychologist or a psychiatrist in your area.  U need all the professional help u can get.

(Oti-igba your friend falls into this category). Is he here in Nigeria?

pendo89:
okay then if we were to follow Deemains theory you need an emotional man for your relationship to stabilise. (assuming u r not in any)
or else u keep hitting the wall. do u belive that?

Better yet, an emotionally intelligent man. Some emotional persons are a time bomb - a no no!

2ndly, anyone can learn to be more emotionally intelligent or even sometimes become very good at it. it requires a heightened level of awareness tho'.

michelin89:
I'm a skinny/starved bony girl. Don't want you to break my fragile bones!

That's the point. There is no compromise in logic. Like someone has already said, it's either true or false and if it's uncertain, then a better theory must be formulated. Have you ever heard a physician or a mathematician teach their students theories that are "uncertain"? Those subjects are just neglected or treated informally.

I am none of those. I knew better than to worsen my situation with such professions. Since I know I'm deficient in the emotional department I surround myself with sensitive and emotional people, because whether I like it or not, common sense applies to emotional thinking, and not to an inflexible approach to matters. But I don't like dunces who think love covereth all. Makes me want to release my atomic bomb self on them.

I am commended for my analytical abilities but not for my way of transmitting the information I have elaborated, for the simple fact that I don't possess an emotional touch.

Your analysis n knowledge of yourself is spot-on and deep. Your solution will help a lot. U can also work on the EQ part. Find a good life coach in your area. Might transform ur life. That way u r in charge instead of depending on another for things to work.

Cheers

Skii:
@DeeMain

Thanks, I have copied your response

Its now to put it in practice. Hopefully it'll work!

God bless!

Cool. Let me know how it pans out. Best wishes.

Orikinla:
BEING SMART IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM BEING INTELLECTUAL.

Many intellectual people practice sublimation.
They are in fact masters of their emotions since they can create, recreate and dramatize the experiences of life for their various intellectual flights of our existence in a mysterious universe.
To me every relationship is a script to be acted and reenacted for entertainment and enlightenment.

Intellectuals  control their emotions more than non-intellectuals.
Intellectuals are more mature and secure.
Because they are often iconic, heroic and symbolic in their relationships.
They are ruled more by their intellect than by their instinct.

Ever read of Daniel Goldman's Emotional Intelligence? The book is a best seller because many high IQ people (science-inclined, artists, social scientists, business people, artisans) now understand that they have low EQ (Emotional Intelligence). This does not mean it's all.



2ndly: when an intellectual (head-person, logical person, high IQ individual) is in a relationship with an emotional person (heart-person, emotionally intelligent person, high EQ, emotional person) the intellectual person wins all arguments (of course he will, he is a master of logic, facts, justification and analysis). Over the long term the emotional person becomes resentful of being a 'loser' or always being the one at fault, or starts feeling threatened. The effect is he or she sabotages the relationship or goes on the offensive. Conflict ensues. It's self-preservation baby!

While all generalizations are wrong, the OP has some points:

First highly intellectual people are mostly logical people. Logic and Emotions don't go too well together. IQ (Intelligence quotient) is not the same as  EQ (Emotional Intelligence quotient).

A strength in academics, career or at work may actually be a weakness in a relationship. Many intellectual people aren't flexible enough to make the transition.

A ''head'' person interprets, analyzes and justifies everything with the head. This will be in serious conflict with matters of the ''heart''. The result: untold conflicts in the relationship.

Unless, an intellectual person has developed enough self-awareness to inculcate emotional maturity,  he will have serious issues with relationships.

So we don't get my response twisted. Here is it without the questions by Skii: The process to getting your real self back is:

1.)Heal your childhood memories/traumas/pains. Talk repeatedly about it, every single detail until there are no more emotions attached to the memory. Alternatively, write about it. This works because our memories are encoded in words and pictures. Talking or writing about it releases toxic emotions. It's called catharsis. (Talk to a trusted friend, counsellor, coach, or even God about it).

2.) Work on your self-image. Use affirmations or biblical confessions (if you are a christain) repeatedly and affirm what you truly are. U can google about affirmations. Remember what u are going thru now is as a result of the pollution of a perfect human by past experiences and events. Repetition is key because that's a good way to recondition a new belief, image or habit.

3.)Relearn new habits, behaviours, attitudes. Be humble and learn and ask for feedback from trusted people.

Note: If your memories are too traumatic or painful or you are not making the progress u want, then u need to seek for professional help. Look for Life coaches, therapists or psychologists in your area.

Skii:
@DeeMain, infact I tire for myself,  I know I shouldnt blame anybody and the problem lies with me but I feel so full of terrible viruses that it affects my thinking, relationships with people and even God!!

They say its hard to teach an old dog new tricks what program do you suggest I use to reprogram?

1.) Heal your childhood memories/traumas/pains. Talk repeatedly about it, every single detail until there are no more emotions attached to the memory. Alternatively, write about it. This works because our memories are encoded in words and pictures. Talking or writing about it releases toxic emotions. It's called catharsis.

2.) Work on your self-image. Use affirmations or biblical confessions (if you are a christain) repeatedly and affirm what you truly are.  U can google about affirmations. Remember what u are going thru now is as a result of the pollution of a perfect human by past experiences and events. Repetition is key because that's a good way to recondition a new belief, image or habit.

3.)Relearn new habits, behaviours, attitudes. Be humble and learn and ask for feedback from trusted people.

Note: If your memories are too traumatic or painful or you are not making the progress u want, then u need to seek for professional help. Look for Life coaches, therapists or psychologists in your area. .

caye:
[quote author=Skii link=topic=824461.msg9766999#msg9766999 date=1323896698]@DeeMain, infact I tire for myself,  I know I shouldnt blame anybody and the problem lies with me but I feel so full of terrible viruses that it affects my thinking, relationships with people and even God!!

They say its hard to teach an old dog new tricks what program do you suggest I use to reprogram?

Bottomline: nobody can reject you without your permission. Nobody can make u feel rejected. If you feel rejected, then you have a lot of work to do to find your authentic self.  To solve the problem of feelings of rejection, the issue has to be uprooted from the roots - your self-image, your neediness, your self-esteem which have been programmed inside of you from events and experiences in your upbringing.


True. But the bottom line is that the hardwork belongs to you.
[/quote]True. Both seeking help from a professional can make the hardwork easier or bearable.

Skii:
@DeeMain, infact I tire for myself, I know I shouldnt blame anybody and the problem lies with me but I feel so full of terrible viruses that it affects my thinking, relationships with people and even God!!

They say its hard to teach an old dog new tricks what program do you suggest I use to reprogram?

1.) Heal your childhood memories/traumas/pains. Talk repeatedly about it, every single detail until there are no more emotions attached to the memory. Alternatively, write about it. This works because our memories are encoded in words and pictures. Talking or writing about it releases toxic emotions. It's called catharsis.

2.) Work on your self-image. Use affirmations or biblical confessions (if you are a christain) repeatedly and affirm what you truly are. U can google about affirmations. Remember what u are going thru now is as a result of the pollution of a perfect human by past experiences and events. Repetition is key because that's a good way to recondition a new belief, image or habit.

3.)Relearn new habits, behaviours, attitudes. Be humble and learn and ask for feedback from trusted people.

Note: If your memories are too traumatic or painful or you are not making the progress u want, then u need to seek for professional help. Look for Life coaches, therapists or psychologists in your area.

caye:
[quote author=Skii link=topic=824461.msg9766999#msg9766999 date=1323896698]@DeeMain, infact I tire for myself, I know I shouldnt blame anybody and the problem lies with me but I feel so full of terrible viruses that it affects my thinking, relationships with people and even God!!

They say its hard to teach an old dog new tricks what program do you suggest I use to reprogram?

Bottomline: nobody can reject you without your permission. Nobody can make u feel rejected. If you feel rejected, then you have a lot of work to do to find your authentic self.  To solve the problem of feelings of rejection, the issue has to be uprooted from the roots - your self-image, your neediness, your self-esteem which have been programmed inside of you from events and experiences in your upbringing.


True. But the bottom line is that the hardwork belongs to you.
[/quote]True. Both seeking help from a professional can make the hardwork easier or bearable.

Many tnx Orinkila

Feelings of rejection is a surface symptom of a deeper malaise. The problem may have deep roots in your upbringing and family. How much secure did u feel as a child? How much love did u feel? How safe did u feel while growing up? How much self-esteem was built into u by your caregivers?

After a broken relationship, periods of pain , grieve, disappointment, hurts are all in order, but when one feels rejected the implication is that the individual was dependent on the spouse/boy- or girlfiend for his or her self-esteem or self-image. Loving ourselves, accepting ourselves - warts and all - is a first step to a stable relationship and being able to move on with lessons learnt when relationships don't work.

Bottomline: nobody can reject you without your permission. Nobody can make u feel rejected. If you feel rejected, then you have a lot of work to do to find your authentic self. To solve the problem of feelings of rejection, the issue has to be uprooted from the roots - your self-image, your neediness, your self-esteem which have been programmed inside of you from events and experiences in your upbringing.

Dayokanu, Eko ile and Co,

Article 22 of the Hague IV ("Laws of War: Laws and Customs of War on Land (Hague IV); October 18, 1907" states that "The right of belligerents to adopt means of injuring the enemy is not unlimited"[

Awolowo and  Gowon defenders  and anti- Biafrans take note.

What happened was genocide simple and short. War Crimes were serially committed and no one was brought to book. Total food blockade against that led to the death of millions of civilians is a war crime.

The statutes of The Hague (October 18, 1907)  gave examples of such war crime violations (article 3) as:

Wanton destruction of cities, towns or villages, or devastation not justified by military necessity

Attack, or bombardment, by whatever means, of undefended towns, villages, dwellings, or buildings

Seizure of, destruction or wilful damage done to institutions dedicated to religion, charity and education, the arts and sciences, historic monuments and works of art and science

Plunder of public or private property.

The tribunal defines crime against humanity as crimes committed in armed conflict but directed against a civilian population. Again a list of examples is given in article 5:

Murder

Extermination ( Emphasis mine: Extermination by mass murder before the war, bombing of exclusively civilian quarters, and the final straw : THE FOOD BLOCKADE)

Enslavement

Deportation

Imprisonment

Torture

Rape

Persecutions on political, racial and religious grounds.

Genocide is defined by the tribunal as "acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group".

WHICH PART OF THE LISTED CRIMES WERE NOT COMMITTED AGAINST BIAFRA

dayokanu:
You wanted to secede? After killing the Premier of the North and West? The prime minister, The Finance minister who didnt offend you while sparing yours?

Those killings were an act of war and Benjamin Adekunle gave you back in 100,000 folds

When the soviet soldiers attacked Berlin in 1945, Do you know how many civilians were killed?

When the Bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and nagasaki do you know how many civilians were killed?

When Biafran soldiers attacked the Midwest do you know how many civilians were killed?

How come the japanese, Germans and the bendelites are not screaming genocide? because they know it was war and not Xbox360

A coup by some Igbo officers thwarted by another group of Igbo officers (Read Ojukwu , Ironsi and others) is an act of war?? Common!

Here is an explanation war crimes and crimes against humanity; Source :http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/:

At the heart of the concept of war crimes is the idea that an individual can be held responsible for the actions of a country or that nation's soldiers.


Genocide, crimes against humanity, mistreatment of civilians or combatants during war can all fall under the category of war crimes. Genocide is the most severe of these crimes.

The body of laws that define a war crime are the Geneva Conventions, a broader and older area of laws referred to as the Laws and Customs of War, and, in the case of the former Yugoslavia, the statutes of the International Criminal Tribunal in The Hague (ICTY).

Article 147 of the Fourth Geneva Convention defines war crimes as: "Wilful killing, torture or inhuman treatment, including, wilfully causing great suffering or serious injury to body or health, unlawful deportation or transfer or unlawful confinement of a protected person, compelling a protected person to serve in the forces of a hostile power, or wilfully depriving a protected person of the rights of fair and regular trial, , taking of hostages and extensive destruction and appropriation of property, not justified by military necessity and carried out unlawfully and wantonly."

dayokanu:
You wanted war, Black Scorpion gave it -to you in full dose. Now you are moaning they didnt feed you?

Wigga what do you think war is?

Eko Ile:
Whats really cold blooded is the fact that some incompetent man and a poor planner took your people took war without making arrangememt  safe and secured food supply.

You dont go took to war and end up depending on your enemy to feed your own army, that was just reta.rded.

It was also cold blooded that the man responsible for your feeding and safety was denying you food by taking bribe and extorting money from food aid groups.

Awolowo was not responsible for the people of biafra, ojuku was. That you still have to deal with.

@Dayokanu we didn't want war. We wanted to seceed. Nobody gets mowed down the way Biafrans were without trying to self-preserve.

@ Dayokanu and Eko ile: Moaning they didn't feed you? No, we are not talking about feeding biafrans. Nobody said you should feed your enemy.  We are talking about  the war crime of total food blockade: The existing farmlands in Biafraland was serially decimated via bombs n shelling.  Civilians were the prime target. No food was allowed into hunger-ravished Biafra either by sea, air or by land by any means. No food was allowed into Biafra. Food carrying ships and planes were sent back to their respective countries.  That is the meaning of TOTAL BLOCKADE. That's a crime against humanity. The food blockade killed more biafrans than the superior military arsenal of Nigeria put together.

Death Count: 2 million Biafrans!

"So I decided to stop sending the food there. In the process the civilians would suffer, but the soldiers will suffer most."

Did u just read what I just read?? There is something cold-blooded, blood-chilling and mind-bending about this confession from Awo. For the sake of argument, let us assume that Nigeria did indeedd send food to the east.

Read this in context:

Few Igbo soldiers carried out a coup that was thwarted by Ojukwu and Ironsi (Igbo men too) amongst others, and a pogrom and mass genocide was unleashed on the entire Igbo nation. Extermination was the mantra.

Food sent to Biafra from Nigeria were poisoned (easy to believe if you saw the extent of the pogrom).

Farms,  food stores, markets, goats, men, women , children, hamlets, huts were bombed by the Nigerian forces, giving rise to Kwashiokor and mass death.

Blockade of arms and food access to the sea and  through the air

Hungry soldiers ambush ''alleged'' food supply so they can keep on defending their land - remember Murtala, Adekunle and others had boasted that when they march to the Igbo heartland , every living thing that moves will be leveled.

Awolowo, the master tactician, decides that the solution is to kill the hungry soldiers by killing the children and women through a food blockade. In his words, '' the civilians will suffer but the soldiers will suffer most.''

Death count - 2 million biafrans!

Blood Chiliing!!!!!!!!!!!!

[quote author=alj_harem link=topic=811678.msg9640621#msg9640621 date=1322366162]Well that is YOUR OWN FACT not the historic facts.

In fact I think to myself why Igbos love Ojukwu so much. My first though is that Majority of them are delusional or just plain dumb/mad.

But after today, I had a second though, I mean not all Igbos can be mad ! then it clicked to me why they love Ojukwu.

The reason is because They (Igbos in this case) Believe that Ojukwu saved them from the genocide that was happening back then.

Now from an Igbo man's point of view, that is all that matters to him right !

Look at it from other Nigerian point of view before passing your judgement on others.

from the northern point of view :- After the[b] coup which I do not see as an Igbo coup[/b] at first glare. In sabon gari, as usual triats that is even displayed Here on nairaland. there was gloating of which some silly igbo traders were singing on how they rule the country. Thus it was made a deflaut an ethnic coup given the fact of the gloating and also the leaders that was killed

from the western point of view :- This Ojukwu and Igbos that were meant  to be our allys/friends first of all left there region to come to our land,and we welcomed them only for them to try and rule us. after we did not allow them, they split out region then locked up out leaders and killed them. after which they even tried invading and annex ondo and lagos to baifra. after all we have done for them.

from the south-south point of view :-  it is simple, we are not going to baifra

the the middle belt :- we are fighting for Nigeria.

Now tell me, with all this contrasting views of ojukwu and others one can only go to one logical conclusion

A SEED OF DISCORD WAS PLANTED SOMEWHERE either by the west thanks to Nnamdi or by those who are still benefitting from Nigeria till today.

BTW, Ojukwu is NOT and will NEVER be a hero, he would be known in the history books for all the wrong reasons. FACT. lets not sugar coat anything.[/quote][quote author=alj_harem link=topic=811678.msg9640621#msg9640621 date=1322366162]Well that is YOUR OWN FACT not the historic facts.

In fact I think to myself why Igbos love Ojukwu so much. My first though is that Majority of them are delusional or just plain dumb/mad.

But after today, I had a second though, I mean not all Igbos can be mad ! then it clicked to me why they love Ojukwu.

The reason is because They (Igbos in this case) Believe that Ojukwu saved them from the genocide that was happening back then.

Now from an Igbo man's point of view, that is all that matters to him right !

Look at it from other Nigerian point of view before passing your judgement on others.

from the northern point of view :- After the[b] coup which I do not see as an Igbo coup[/b] at first glare. In sabon gari, as usual triats that is even displayed Here on nairaland. there was gloating of which some silly igbo traders were singing on how they rule the country. Thus it was made a deflaut an ethnic coup given the fact of the gloating and also the leaders that was killed

from the western point of view :- This Ojukwu and Igbos that were meant  to be our allys/friends first of all left there region to come to our land,and we welcomed them only for them to try and rule us. after we did not allow them, they split out region then locked up out leaders and killed them. after which they even tried invading and annex ondo and lagos to baifra. after all we have done for them.

from the south-south point of view :-  it is simple, we are not going to baifra

the the middle belt :- we are fighting for Nigeria.

Now tell me, with all this contrasting views of ojukwu and others one can only go to one logical conclusion

A SEED OF DISCORD WAS PLANTED SOMEWHERE either by the west thanks to Nnamdi or by those who are still benefitting from Nigeria till today.

BTW, Ojukwu is NOT and will NEVER be a hero, he would be known in the history books for all the wrong reasons. FACT. lets not sugar coat anything.[/quote]Since when did gloating by some some traders in Sabon gari become punishable by mass genocide?

Ojukwu was no war hero? When almost all Igbo officers had been killed and yet it was not enough compensation for the coup, and the pogrom continued for almost one year. Only a coward will deny his people at that point. Not with Murtala Muhammed and his likes threatening to match down to the east and finish the job. To the Igbo, we were hunted men facing extermination. The war at that point was the only option. Ojukwu had sued for peace, he negotiated with the north for peace. He even assured his own people of their own safety and that they should go back to the North(just like it happens when there are religious violence in the north today). But the pogrom would not stop. It got worse. The worst had been confirmed. Every Igbo knew that he was a legitimate target in Nigeria. My brother, in our minds it was fight or perish. With Murtala Mohammed and Northern soldiers taking over Lagos and boasting they were marching to the east to finish the job, what did u expect of Ojukwu? Bros, leave matter for Matthias. He may not be your hero but he is ours.

And you said the Igbos tried to rule over the South West? How?? When? Locked up our leaders in the South West?? Which leaders were locked up by the Igbos?? What are u talking about?

Eko Ile:
Na only by accident den take kill military and political leaders from the North and south, by savagely and cowardly  slaughtering innocent pregnant women in their sleep  while sparing their own leaders and ZIK magically tipped off to leave the country for bogus medical check up and refusing to return.

lmao


''

Because the victims and families of the slaughtered did not get justice, the ibo head of state tribally let the murderers go free unpunished.

We all know the standard punishment for murder, sedition and coup piloting, the ibo head of state added insult to injury by not displaying fair justice and leadership.

You can't keep going around killing other people and denying fairness and justice and keep thinking you are not going to one day pay the price for your actions.



You reap what you sow.

So because a not-so-smart Aguiyi Ironsi, who was not smart enough to secure his own life, was not able to bring the culprits to book, the genocide is justified?

So because some militants in Odi killed Nigerian soldiers the massacre and rape of Odi was justified?

So because some irate youths in Zaki biam killed some soldiers the razing of every living thing in Zaki biam is justified?

So because Hutus shot down the plane carrying a Tutsi president and killed him as a result, the genocide against the Hutus is justified?

So because some Igbo soldiers carried out a coup plot and and Aguiyi Ironsi, who played a major part in scuttling the Nzeogwu coup, could not bring the culprits to book the genocide against the Igbo is justified?

Abeg, put on a better reasoning cap!

dayokanu:
In the said coup, what a coincidence that Zik was spared, Eastern region Premier was spared and all other Ibo politicians

You think say others na mumu?

Thank God for people like Benjamin Adekunle who revenged proportionately in the heartlands of Biafra

[img]http://bp3.blogger.com/_pyIBhtN_0F4/Rn465FD3haI/AAAAAAAAAI0/W5qMVDnJJII/s400/Benjamin+Adekunle+1.jpg[/img]

Dayokanu please read your history very well. Igbo men  played a major role in killing Nzeogwu's coup. Ojukwu and Aguiyi Ironsi  and many Igbo officers worked against that coup and ensured it didn't succeed. Soldiers will be soldiers. The Igbo nation did not carry out any coup. When Dimka assasinated Murtala Muhammed, it was not the people of Jos that assasinated him. Igbos did not assasinate Sardauna, Balewa and others. A coup plot by a clique of soldiers did.  What happend was a scramble for Nigeria. Greed was at work - the idea was to displace the Igbos from the top echelons of the society in which they already occupied and assume control and ascendancy. It was all about OPPORTUNISM,  RESOURCE CONTROL AND GREED. Read '' The Man Died by Wole Soyinka''

Until the lions have their historians, tales of the hunt shall always glorify the hunter.

sheyguy:
what do u mean planned and sustained pogrom? Pogrom was a reaction to act of mass slaughter of top ranking army officers from northern Nigeria. Now i dont think that is a planned event by those involved in the pogrom cos they couldn't have predicted what the igbo army men did to their pple.
A wiseman once said u dont move a car forward while looking backward, anyone who does is an accident waiting to
happen. I will advice pple like u( with only 1 post on nairaland) to stop covering the mistakes of the past from your kinsmen by all means.

The Coup plot was a revolutionary one. Read your history. Nigeria was not working in 1966 and the coup plotters wanted a fresh start. It was a coup planned by some Igbo officers and other officers from other tribes. The coup went awry cos some folks didn't carry out their part in the east. The intention of the coup plotters was to make Awolowo Prime Minister, It's a long story, but the nature of coup plots is such that it is a top secret.  The Igbo nation was not informed of the coup plot, Igbos did not sanction the coup plot. Like all coups before and after it, coup plot is a clique thing - a clique spearheaded by Nzeogwu carried out a coup. When IBB and Gideon Orkar carried out their coups no one said it was the Hausas or the middle belt people that carried it out.

The question is ''why the pogrom?'' Why the genocide?'' , ''Why kill innocent men and women who had nothing to do with the coup?'' I understand the anger of the North, but the people who were killed were all innocent. It's just like supporting what Obasanjo did at Odi and Zaki Ibiam. Soldiers will be soldiers.  Igbos were innocent. The genocide was in cold blood. Blood speaks!!

Please, read Wole Soyinka's ''The Man Died'' and get your eyes opened.  By the way Wole Soyinka is a yoruba and is still one of the few objective men in the whole of Nigeria.

Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu!: For standing up to a planned and sustained pogrom and mindless genocide of the Igbo and for giving up your father's wealth to stand by your people, I say Rest in Peace.

The man dies who keep silent in the face of tyranny - Wole Soyinka.

Adieu Ikemba!!!

P.S: Sad that there r many brainwashed ppl due to government propaganda before, during and after the war. Pls read Wole Soyinka's "The Man Died'' and learn of the true reason Igbo's fought.