₦airaland Forum

Nigerians, always being mentioned in unexpected places. More positive representation, people.

Though it is fascinating to behold, I think this boy is going to miss his childhood.

It's quite unfortunate that Africa continues to be plagued by problems. These problems have continued to expose the cracks in our systems. I believe we can learn something from all of these and that is to make our institutions stronger (eg. the health care system), invest in ventures (eg. research and science) that will make us self-reliant and enable us to manage unforseen occurrences such as this in the future. It's about time we woke up to reality. Africa's progress lies solely in the hands of Africans and I do hope we rise up to the challenge by thinking objectively, coming up with and executing strategic plans to tackle the problems that have stared us in the face for so long.

How often do you see someone have an angry overreaction to a seemingly minor situation, such as a harmless comment from their spouse/friend, getting served the wrong dish at a restaurant, or being stuck in the traffic?
Here's another question: How often has this person been you?
Let's be honest: No one is completely innocent here.
Why do we do this at times?
We all carry a significant amount of tension, with much of it lurking below the conscious level.
Let's look at a scenario:
Suppose you felt that you had a very rough childhood. Your parents weren't supportive of you, you got dumped by the love of your life, and you never wound up getting your dream job. Friends betrayed you. Now, life feels dull and overwhelmingly stressful on a daily basis. While heading to work/school one morning, somebody mistakenly steps on your toes. How do you react? You would most likely vent your inner anger on him or at best boil more on the inside for that singular act. A knee-jerk overreaction to a minor inconvenience is usually not about the situation at all; it's about something much deeper.

We’ve all been hurt. You can’t be an adult — or teen — alive today who hasn’t experienced some kind of emotional pain. It hurts. That is a fact. But what you do with that hurt is probably more important than the hurt itself. Would you prefer to get back to living an active life? Or do you prefer to ruminate endlessly about the past and something that cannot be changed? How do you let go of past hurts and mistakes and move on? Let’s consider the following points.

1. The past isn’t really about the past.
When you look with great clarity, you will see that there is no actual thing called the past. Everything that happens is in the present – it can’t be any other way. Memories of events are thoughts occurring in the present. Anger or hurt about the past is happening now.
Your present moment experience in the now is what keeps the past alive. What is amazing about this understanding is that it shows you that the way out of your suffering is always in the present. You can change your perspective – now, focus on something different – now, feel your feelings – as they are right now.
If you want to heal from the past, put your attention on your present moment experience.

2. Memories are not the problem.
A memory is a thought, and a thought has no power or meaning whatsoever, unless you give it power or meaning.
You have many thoughts about things that happened long ago, and these thoughts cause no problems. But some thoughts are sticky. You have an emotional reaction to them and you think them over and over. You may even have beliefs related to them, for example, “I am justified in thinking this” or “I need an apology so I can move on.” This keeps them very much alive, affecting your ongoing experience.
If you want to be free of the past, lose interest in these sticky thoughts . Know that it doesn’t help you to repeat them and that thinking they are justified only delays your freedom.
Please note, your goal is not to:
-Make yourself forget about the past . That’s impossible.
-Stuff or ignore your feelings. This creates other problems.
-Wait for an apology or acknowledgment. This postpones happiness.
-Wait for time to heal all wounds. You may need more than time.
-Wallow endlessly in your emotions. This is so painful.
-Redo the past. You can’t change what happened but you absolutely can change your reaction to what happened.
Your goal is to neutralize the story from the past so it loses its power over you. It becomes transparent, with no meaning and no effect. You change your relationship to your thoughts so they don’t sit like a dark cloud over you.

3. Stop being the victim. Focus on the present and your happiness.
Somebody did something wrong, or they wronged you in some way that mattered to you. You want them to apologize. You want them to acknowledge what they did was wrong. But blaming someone else for your hurt can backfire, as someone stated: The problem with blaming others is that it can often leave you powerless. For example, you confront the person (your boss, your spouse, your parent, your child), and they say, “No, I didn’t,” or worse, “So what if I did?”, then you’re left with all this anger and hurt and no resolution.
Stop telling yourself that story where the protagonist — you —is forever the victim of this other person’s horrible actions. Being the victim feels good —it’s like being on the winning team of you against the world.
But guess what? The world largely doesn’t care, so you need to get over yourself. Yes, you’re special. Yes, your feelings matter. But don’t confuse “my feelings matter” with “my feelings should override all else, and nothing else matters.”
Your feelings are just one part of this large thing we call life, which is all interwoven and complex. And messy sometimes. In every moment, you have that choice — to continue to feel bad about another person’s actions, or to start feeling good. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness, and not put such power into the hands of another person. Why would you let an event or the person who hurt you —in the past — have such power, right here, right now?
No amount of rumination or analyses have ever fixed a relationship problem. Never. Not in the entirety of the world’s history. So why choose to engage in so much thought and devote so much energy to a person who you feel has wronged you?

4. Release the past by taking full responsibility.
Nursing your grievances and regrets indefinitely is a bad habit, because it hurts you more than it hurts them. Once you see that the ball is totally in your court, you have set the stage for letting go. Your happiness is your responsibility alone, not anyone else’s. You might be very familiar with feeling like a victim. But this is a passive, unempowered position, leaving you waiting for words or actions from someone else, something you cannot control.
Taking responsibility means being open to recognizing how your own internal disposition is feeding your suffering. Express the pain the hurt made you feel. Get it all out of your system at once. Doing so will also help you understand what — specifically — your hurt is about.
-What thoughts make you unhappy?
-How do you make yourself suffer by recycling negative memories through your mind?
Being stuck in the past means that a part of your heart is closed. Take responsibility by going right into those bruised and tender places.

5. Make the decision to let it go.
This is tough but if you don’t make this conscious choice up-front, you could end up self-sabotaging any effort to move on from this past hurt. Making the decision to let it go also means accepting you have a choice to let it go. To stop reliving the past pain, to stop going over the details of the story in your head every time you think of the other person.
Most times these thoughts go through our minds.
“I feel justified in staying stuck because I was wronged.”
“It is someone else’s responsibility to make this better for me.”
“If I let go, I’m somehow approving others’ bad behavior.”
“I need an apology.”
“Life is unfair.”
“It was so bad that it’s not possible for me to heal.”
These are simply more thoughts that keep you distracted from the heart of the matter. Let it go.

6. Forgive them —and yourself.
You may not forget another person’s bad behaviors, but you can forgive. Sometimes we get stuck in our pain and our stubbornness, we can’t even imagine forgiveness. But forgiveness isn’t saying, “I agree with what you did.” Instead, it’s saying, “I don’t agree with what you did, but I forgive you anyway.” Forgiveness isn’t a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s simply saying,’’ You did something that hurt me. But I want to move forward in my life and welcome joy back into it. I can’t do that fully until I let this go.” Forgiveness is a way of tangibly letting something go. And forgiving yourself may be an important part of this step as well, as sometimes we may end up blaming ourselves for the situation or hurt.
While you indeed may have had some part to play in the hurt, there’s no reason to keep beating yourself up over it. If you can’t forgive yourself, how will you be able to live in future peace and happiness?
Concluding…
I can sense someone saying 'it is easier said than done' [ I know that this is hard, that it’s incredibly hard to let go of one’s hurt feeling. If you’ve held onto it for a long time, it feels like an old friend. Justified. It would be sacrilegious to let it go. But it is a burden you have to lay down for your own sake.
Remember, if we crowd our brains —and lives — with hurt feelings, there’s little room for anything positive. Nelson Mendela once said: ‘Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping that it will kill your enemies’
If you define yourself by your past, you will be living as a fraction of what is possible for you. Defining yourself by what happened in the past doesn’t help you now. It’s like wearing clothes that never fit.
You life begins now, in this very moment…and now…and now. You can always start anew.
You can’t undo the past, all you can do is to make today the best day of your life. When you focus on the here and now, you have less time to think about the past. When the past memories creep into your consciousness (as they are bound to do from time to time), acknowledge them for a moment. And then bring yourself gently back into the present moment by saying to yourself, “It’s alright. That was the past, and now I’m focused on my own happiness and doing what will make my life better.”

Feel free to share your experiences on dealing with past hurt or mistakes.

Alright. Support but with no strings attached.

The most dangerous people in this world are people who have been hypnotized to believe that they have nothing to loose, live or die. They are dangerous zombies.

Goodbye present for doing what they were elected to do? (that is if at all they actually did their job well). What about all the monthly allowances that they got while in office? Isn't that enough present considering how fat the pay cheque of a nigerian politician is? And to think that they're doing this when they owe workers their salary. These guys are unashamedly greedy.

kissinggourami: What major achievement would be done in Nigeria that'd make you 100% content and happy with your country?

You did not get what I wrote. I said we are doing what is expected (and i'm happy about that) so they should not commend us as if it is a feat out of this world. I believe Nigeria is capable of dealing with her problems but we just have to get more serious like were are in this case. *is it clear now?*

Commendation or not, we are just doing what should be done to protect ourselves. It should not be made to look as if we're doing something beyond us. (Or is it unexpected that we could manage the situation to this extent?) We have the ability to help ourselves. It's just that we've been unserious in handling things before now...

RIP

What sane person will loot items that could cause their death? It is another level of madness. This may be their last looting on this side of eternity..

What sane person will loot items that could cause their death? It is another level of madness. This may be their last looting on this side of eternity..

Noted

It's quite an unfortunate experience but no need to be scared. The poster above me has said the truth. You just have to treat this as one of the disappointments that one experiences in life. Don't give up so easily. You can grieve the hurt for a while but don't let it keep you down.

I think the kids of today are more exposed than their parents were during their time. I recently met my 10 year old cousin for the first time and I was suprised at what she knows and says. She also looks bigger than her age. Nevertheless, even though they may look and act all grown up, they still possess the vulnerabilities of children.

No to molest.

The main point here is, she survived.

There is an erroneous thinking that the university is the best place to find a husband. It may have worked in the past but these days we have kids gaining admission into university. The guys are too young and may not even think about marriage for a very long time after graduation because they need to get a good job and all. So hooking up with these young boys with the hope that something will come out of the relationship is unrealistic unless the lady wants to have a long wait. I think it is a waste of precious time and energy unless both are mature and have high prospects of getting married. .

Self confident people don't usually brag. Someone who brags may either be too proud or trying to cover up for the feeling of low self esteem he has inside.

Good post. Television (movies/shows) has brainwashed people and given them a materialistic view about life. Flashy cars, designer clothes etc. Those things are obtainable in real life but not everyone has them and in fact, you don't need all that to be happy. One can sell ideas to people via television. Do you want to start seeing people wearing trousers with only one leg? Do you want to advertise a new fashion trend for ladies? Very simple. Show it on Tv and you'll see it happen in no distant time. All of a sudden, everyone becomes crazy about getting what is shown on Tv. Many people can do anything to live the life of the superstar shown on Tv. That is real mind control.

It is a possibility.

It is a possibility.

Jesuspistol: U're right bro. I don't think this eleojo guy knows how long the CONFAB has been going on for him to say its a quick conclusion at this time.

I know the duration of the confab. I also had my doubts in the beginning but isn't this crying over spilled milk? The confab has almost ran its course. I want to believe that something good will come out of all the money and time spent so far despite whatever flaws it may have had In the process

It may have had flaws but something good can still come out of it. Why the quick conclusion? Speaking in general terms, this is why we don't get things done. This is a waste of time, that is a waste of time. What then isn't a waste of time? It is considered a waste of time to try to bring changes in the various sectors of the nation. It is a waste of time to try to think of a way forward for the country. Why? Because things have always been like this and will remain the way they are. That is a cheap excuse for failure.

I think additional polling units will encourage more people to vote since the units are been brought closer to the people and the stress of standing for hours in order to cast votes reduced. Some people are turned off by long queues.
And as for rigging, I don't think it's a function of the number of polling units.

Nigerians are hard to ignore. We have a way of making our presence known everywhere we go. I only wish that we will have more positive representation in the future.

Danhumprey: You still believe they are fighting a just cause?

No! I said it's a vague cause. That is, they don't even know what they want.

These guys need a name change asap. This isn't about western education anymore (that is, if it ever was)

Danielotuya: I simply jst meant dat ur first comment was damn hilarious..i cld av given u a 1000likes but I've only got one

Oh I see... your suggestion is well noted. Thanks.

Danielotuya: Stop wasting ya talents, get a Mic and a stage and make money please

Can you explain this. I don't seem to get it. I'm serious.