₦airaland Forum

raumdeuter:
Kimoni

I saw this post by a female handle on a thread on homepage
What do you think about that viewpoint

I agree totally with the first paragraph. A man is the natural provider in the home and he shouldn't push that responsibility permanently and/or totally to the woman.

When a man stops providing due to uncontrollable reasons, it doesn't reduce or stop the woman's love; in contrast, she'll gladly step into the man's shoes to cover her husband's "unclothedness". But it becomes a problem when she is not getting the required support from her husband esp. as regards to her wifely duties. Taking up a role meant for 2 persons would put pressure on her and if she is the type that cannot soak in pressure for too long, she starts to react. And the world would see it as pride Again, the man too would start to feel insecure about himself and pass the frustrations on to the already pressurized wife. Result - two disoriented persons = scattered home.

Confusion thread

Mindfulness - I agree there's an element of luck needed in marriage, or grace as I prefer to call it. Because you can predict you but can never fully predict how the other person will turn out even after taking extreme precautions in choosing a compatible partner. #mythots

pickabeau1:
MINT!!

You have summarized it

Why all the crocodile tears

Pick, can you recognize crocodile tears from a woman when you see it? Trust me you can't. A fellow woman will recognize better.

Edwife - she admitted her mistakes already but there is a certain fulfillment you get when you follow you heart in taking an action, even if it fails, you'll be satisfied it's your decision. Something tells me they will get through it. I pray they do.

oyb:
Must have been some erm goodass dickk tho. For Tiwa to ignore all the warning signs, and to put up with it for so long.

DK has no chill in this. Dunno what horror stories he has seen in the oil bust.

I agree that money patcheth most wounds.

The story is more common than you think in naija tho. Hubbies flossing with madams car, or even chancing her outright, and madam playing along to keep the peace.

Cc anonimus

crackhaus:
He loves Tiwa so much that's why he went on social media to vibe? This is your theory? Lmao...
The guy is a grade A cvnt for pulling that kinda stunt, he was never truly an alpha male...just a pretender to the fact


Yea yea, the Greeks, Agamemnon, Troy, Paris...etc
Didn't read the books, but I've seen almost all (if not all) of the cinematic adaptations.

My take?
The men who went to war because of Helen are grade A cvnts. Quote me anywhere!
Innocent people died because two men were dragging one woman, and this is the kind of love I'm supposed to look up to?


As per the Tiwa and Tbillz issue, neither of them deserve pity...they both contributed equally to where they at now.

Lol...Crackhaus, you are not serious. Reduce your crack this weekend, ok!

Remember, crack is whack!

mizquote:
that is not the topic of discourse.

He was getting to the 'topic of discourse' with these questions

raumdeuter:
The part of him making her was public knowledge that couldnt be denied, because there were people in the industry who knew them, Its like Wizkid cant deny Banky W. Its public knowledge.

That MY HOUSE is a deadly slip that a smart lawyer would take you out on it easily. It was amateurish and showed every of her sobs and story to just be insincerely so
No woman feels proud saying it in public, but most women wont miss the opportunity to rub it in in private on the man

That last part of apologizing is the age long reverse psychology to guilt trip him and buy more sympathy. What more can get sympathy that saying you are praying for a spouse who does every bad thing in the world.

That her interview na sympathy getting stunt just like his suicide attempt. Those scarf like a mourning widow, those tears, those I wan jump na sympathy getting devices

Dayo, you have no chills on this case...it's strictly your mindset that is talking and not what you read

Dayo!!!!!!!! I can't even quote what you've posted. I soo dont agree. Obviously, she was only reacting to all the accusations leveled against her ni. If that's what her PR team advices, then so be it. She was not the first person to bring the story out ke? Has she not been covering up for him all these months? And yes, she said something good about him, she said ' I admit he hustled and sweated for my breakthrough" (can't recollect the exact words)

Didn't you read the part where he was always claiming he made her? Like she was picked from the gutters? And to prove it, is that not how he started his rants yesterday? With that gloomy picture of hers?

She also said something most people overlook in issues like this which I mentioned subtly earlier, likewise Crackhaus - no woman feels proud saying it out that she is the breadwinner of her home. Every woman loves to show her man off as a worthy King. It brings honor to him and to her as well. So what joy would she derive in constantly stamping that authority over him? Meanwhile, at the end of it all, she apologized for all her imperfections. Wetin remain wey she go do nah?

crackhaus:
Abeg na who be Tiwa again?

Okay I remember, you mean that dark-complexioned Yoruba girl with big fresh laps and very tiny voice wey her house-husband wan to jump from bridge because of..abi?

I don't mean to judge, but does Tiwa seem like someone wey put her head for ground ni
She definitely got that treat-me-like-the-famous-princess-that-i-am vibe about her.

The only issue I have with the whole drama is this former London abi na American hustler of a man typing all that shiit on social media...even with all the weed and cocaine he has smoked, dude still had no chill.

That just shows you that where a woman's love is concerned, there is no alpha male. I just dey laugh you and Tim sometimes

Have you read Greeks and Trojans? How the battle for a woman's love(Helen) caused great battles amongst kingdoms and claimed several lives?

Well, I'm happy for the couple because they've reached the lowest they can possibly get to in their marriage. From now on, the high way is the only way. He that is down need fear no fall. I wish them the very best.

raumdeuter:
What would have been wrong with came into OUR HOUSE? Thats how many people would have describe it but since she is the main bread winner it became MY HOUSE

Honestly after watching the video, I tend to believe the guy more

Now I heard she is claiming he takes cocaine, EFCC is after him what next he sponsors Fulani herdsmen, he started insurgency

Most of her claims are the money part he is broke. Period.

He takes cocaine in MY HOUSE. Lol. I wonder what the guy must have faced daily. I can imagine him talking on the phone and she yelling why are you making noise in MY HOUSE.

You now see why I said I would rather travel very far to find a job or something to at least care for myself and kids?

Dayo, this is a highly subjective analysis. Haba! You picked only one issue with her and forgot the 99 others from the guy? Does all the debt she paid on his behalf not demonstrate how much she cares? How is a woman supposed to even love a cheating husband? Do you know how that act pierces a woman's soul?

TV01:
As much as my main focus is men - hence it may appear I post with a bias against women - I would never advise a woman to marry a baby-daddy. Especially a woman of real worth and accomplishment. For a start, which girl grows up with a picture of her knight being a divorcé or single-dad? C'mon, demand and expect better - but also give it sha 0!
TV

A girl doesn't plan on this TV, it's just love. Like Tiwa said, she simply followed her heart and married for love but

raumdeuter:
Kimoni do you notice anything wrong with the bold? Thats an example of what I am saying

Hahahaha I did and I also noticed my child and I found it strange until she finished her story before I finally understood why.

They've been separated for 2 months, so she has been using that phrase "my house" for sometime now. Same with "my child" - she's been taking sole responsibility of the child and her mind has been conditioned to believe that she is solely responsible for him. A duty she accepts but still with its own pains.

crackhaus:
Women!!!

but did you hear this same statement from Tiwa? Exactly these words?

An0nimus:
Kimoni using Tbillz as a yardstick to judge how men (over)react when their wife is the breadwinner get as e be. You sef reason am. This is tbillz

Bro, I no talk so oo

Just that this is the side of marriages most people don't get to see or hear about. All they hear is the kind of gist we heard about Tiwa yesterday from hubby. And like the dutiful wife, she would continue to cover up. That's my point really. It's not always what it looks like it is.

TV01:
My position remains unchanged. Healthy wholesome, well founded and strongly established marriages ! And yes, the dynamics between male/female are not to be sneered at or taken for granted.

TV

My position remains the same too TV. Ama start preaching against baby daddies aggressively henceforth I learn from the best. #saynotobabydaddies

Edwife, I wish Tiwa hadn't responded sha, Linda Ikeji is just building mansions on top them celebrity issues. And again, I think it's more dignifying. Has Toke ever directly addresses her issues? No need.

Jesus fix it.

raumdeuter:
You couldnt deal

Imagine what her husband if he is dependent on her would have to face. Maybe being emotional is why they cannot really handle being the bread winner

I have seen this very recently especially with the oil industry bust, Many guys who were balling previously and had loving wifes have lost their jobs and been kicked out now all over Houston because they cant fend like before again

One guy his wife woke him up at night to get out he got out that night drove to Odessa like 8hours away and he says he would not return until he gets something, even if and when he gets a job he isn't returning back to her. He would rather pay child support

Some don dey go drive uber say rather than make dem wife feed them and insult them all day dem go move to Auston and drive uber

Awwww poor guys. Naija babes never reach that level ooo

Or maybe the marriages were strictly based on money from inception so when the main ingredient of the contract finish, wetin remain naa lol

edwife:
I watched tiwa's interview and to tell you the truth, i feel for her, however I don't exactly know what happened as none of us live with them.

[size=4pt]*Time to search for my dictionary*[/size]

Nothing strange or shocking in Tiwa's interview. This is what majority of working women in similar situations go through. Rather than the man to fight his demons and conquer his fear/insecurities, he takes the easiest route - "it's all my wife's fault", "she doesn't respect me" etc he knows people will only be too eager to believe him because of his situation and castigate the wife.

I really pray that ultimately, they are both able to work out their issues and get back together again because they are still very much in love, just that love is not enough anymore.

In short ehnn, women are strongly advised to marry upwards henceforth. No sideways talkless of downwards. And again, no baby daddies. TV01, what sayeth thou? No baby daddy for women anymore

Lol...nice initiative but she for package the thing better than this naa

TV01:
In a sense, every one is socialised in some way. Here, I essentially meant it to mean one that has inculcated deeply held cultural or religious ideals about traditional marriage. Hence, likely to work through or endure disgruntlement.

It's fast fading, hence terms like; "who wan suffer", which is just an easy out.

"Last card" . My MIL uses that term. I always wonder where she got it from. No, thank you for asking. Wifey says we are done . Just pursuing some other things and taking my annual "sabbatical".


TV

And I perfectly agree with you. Only deeply cultural or deeply religious would cut but should it be so?

I know of someone in this position who I am quite close to. She has tamed herself not to ever argue with the hubby. Even when he is clearly wrong and she is right, once he insist, she agrees with him until the result from the action shows who is right or wrong.

I don't know how she worked herself to that state but like she said, she does that for peace to reign. If that's the formula that is keeping her home, so be it but the summary of it all is that, men also need to check their thought process when they find themselves in situations like this. As much as the woman is advised to be in her most humble state with the man during this period, the man also needs to put himself together and stop attaching unecessary drama to every word and action from his woman. And yes, a man should provide for his family, at least the most basic needs. No reversal of roles for moi as long as the marriage is still intact.

raumdeuter:
When it goes against the natural order, the woman usually reacts and tries too hard to exert her new found authority

I am sure the majority of houses the women ask for soup money daily the man doesnt try extra ordinarily to show who is boss.

Just like in instances of female bosses. Ask around about opinions on female bosses either from men or women

Again, I think this assertion of authority is really not as rampant as we are making it look. Every queen prefers a King.

I have had female and male bosses. Which do I prefer? Maybe male bosses but my best boss to date remains a woman. For me, the female bosses were just too melodramatic and tend to react with more with emotions rather than logic. I couldn't deal

crackhaus:
It's easy for you to use that line about insecurity as a cop out, but hey come on now...the man's insecurity is auto response - same way a woman would feel insecure when her husband suddenly stops complimenting her looks, her cooking, and staying out later than usual.

Once that insecurity is there, no matter how little, any slight change that further heightens that insecurity causes the demons to really manifest.
In the case of a woman earning more, it would be her new found attitude...and in the case of a man coming home later than usual, it will be his discussion about a certain new hardworking female colleague at work.

The insecurity is not the problem, everyone will be faced with insecurity at a point in their relationship/marriage. It's what the other spouse further says/does that will compound that insecurity.

Women equate financial standing in a man to power - ergo, the more money a man has, the more powerful a woman sees him and consequently the more respect she has for him by default. Whether this man is her husband, brother, or uncle doesn't really matter.
When a man's financial standing starts on the downward spiral, his percieved power also begins to nose dive ....from here onwards, it will take only a God-fearing down-to-earth wife who has her act in order to keep her husband on exactly the same level he's always been in her mind.



**I too am not saying all women change when they start earning more oooooooo, I'm just saying that most of y'all start to feel like the one with all the power.

@lol at using insecurity as a cop-out. But it's true naa.

It's not easy taking up a woman's roles combined with the man's roles and still have to live on egg shells around the house just so that the man does not misinterpret her actions as being disrespectful. She will go berserk one day! Common guys, is it so difficult to understand the woman's burden in this situation?

raumdeuter:
A man who doesn't have a job most time would have no problem cooking and cleaning when the wife is not around, but on days he doesn't the wife chastise him why he hasn't done it, that's a slight. Nigerian women in most cases would want to rub it in. Or tell him the effort he made isn't enough

In the African American community its more common to have a woman make more money and the man doing the little stuff at home but whenever the feminine need to assert her authority arises then it becomes problematic

You have to realize we are going against the natural dictate of man providing and woman home making here so natural adjustments are still in place

For me if I don't have a job and I am not incapacitated by other factors, I wont mind travelling to another place to find one that can at least feed me and give my kids the basic.

"...going against the natural dictate of man providing..."

I boldly reiterate that this is really the issue when a woman becomes the provider or has the upper hand in a marriage setting. It's against the natural order of a man and rather than adjust their mindset or work on the insecurities arising from this reversal of roles, the blame goes to the woman.

edwife:
Suspect me for what? Lol @ watching out.

Many women still want to feel their husbands are the main providers- not to feel they are totally dependant on them. Unfortunately, resentment tends to fester below, which can eat away the relationship.
Each situation is different, so it’s hard to generalize, and I am glad there are women making more than men- my point is when the rift is too big…

There should be Respect and mutual consideration in JOINT decision-making, irrespective of who bring the cheddars home.
Sexuality is based on respect, admiration and desire, it becomes a problem to some women when a man seems like a child, and it’s not that attractive.
According to psychologists (and divorce lawyers) who see couples struggling with such changes, many relationships follow the same pattern. First, the wife starts to lose respect for her husband, then he begins to feel emasculated, and then sex dwindles to a full stop.

Do women turn to dummies when their husbands are successful?Do they suppress their voice or their rights? It is highly exaggerated especially here on NL. How many women can attest that they play both roles? Many successful women I know always talk about one thing, food and sex. Their husbands want their food cooked by their wives, and I see nothing wrong with this.

I am not saying you should cook after a long day at work but if I know my husband only eats my food and it was no problem for me cooking his meals prior my "success", I can easily find a way of cooking during weekends and storing it in the freezer. I don’t see a man coming back from work and finds his house clean, clothes washed and worry about who did the cleaning. Some women feel that her success in earning more than her husband as a scale to make her the head of the family. You and I know that gender roles in the society and in traditional marriage, the man is seen as a bread-winner and the woman as a housekeeper. Even though as time evolves and women are becoming achievers, I don’t think it should change their roles as wife, care givers and mothers.

True story, a family friend’s wife who happens to be a bank manager, one day during a heated argument- told him that does he expect her a bank manager to come back from work and cook for him? Does he know the calibre of people she meets and interacts with everyday at work? The calibre of People that respect her and address her with utmost regard? Just because the poor man asked her to make something to eat for them, and not that he has been home either. What happens to just saying, I am very tired baby, can we order? How many men will start reading their cvs to their wives when they don’t meet dinner? The least that can happen is that man asking her what did she do the whole day? Or call her lazy.

Many women feel that in order to lead they have to be controlling and, very strict in order to earn respect unlike the male folks. They develop a masculine approach and fail to understand that when it comes to home front, they are wives, partners and not bosses.

Edwife, first I agree that some women tend to become overbearing when they are in charge of providing for their families but I would say this is an exception and not the norm. Instead, I think it has become the easy way out for a lot of men who find themselves in such positions i.e. having the woman provide for the family to quickly point fingers at the woman as being the architect of every issue arising in the home without taking any responsibility themselves. Almost every woman in this situation is considered proud. How true can this be?

Looking at the one of your examples - a man who wants to eat his wife's meal at all times is not asking for anything bad, I'll even regard it as a complement. However, reality must stand. Did he get married to a wife who would always available to prepare his meals or he got married to a full time business executive who has to travel upandan the globe or probably to a superstar songstress who has to travel for shows and album promotion? If he got married to any of the latter and knew what he was getting into before marriage, would it be fair to start blaming the lady that she's never around to cook? Especially when she is feeding the family with the earnings from this same career? Can a man eat his cake and have it?

A woman desires to "look up" to her man. It can some up in many different ways, looks, money, academic achievement, corporate status etc., but on whole it must be higher. Only socialised women - as noted - can maintain if the mans status is in some ways impaired.

TV01, who is a socialized woman?

[size=3pt]How's madam and the kids? Were you making babies? the last card maybe?
[/size]

For me if I don't have a job and I am not incapacitated by other factors, I wont mind travelling to another place to find one that can at least feed me and give my kids the basic.

Raumdeuter, this part too got me in stitches too Are you saying you cannot be a househorseband?? You are old school meeehnnn. In this days of gender equality and "anybody can play any role", you are still talking like this #oldskool ni yin sir

Meanwhile, I noticed you said "feeding me and my kids" earlier and I thought it was a typo; now, you have repeated it. Your wife nko? Isn't she your responsibility again? Just because she is working? For me o, as long as we live in the same house, you must feed me too. Your money is my money

Will respond on serious points shortly.

Good morning guys
Edwife

A40:
When it comes to these kind of stuff I just think you need to see yourselves as a team. There are no I's or egos involved. Everybody play your role. So if you are a man that is home all day while your wife is at work please enter kitchen and cook for both of you. You won't die I promise you

As a woman the truth is no matter how rich you are the man is still your Ade ori.

People don't really understand that for better for worse thing. Me self never understand am finish na why I never marry

These ego-trips and quarrels are usually as a result of either one or both parties not playing their role. There are many homes where the woman is the breadwinner and everything odinma.

I do think as the man though you have to provide the minimum or at least hold your side no matter what. Even Dangote's daughter would respect you when you do that

Everything still boils down to seeing each other as a teammate. When you see each other that way you just do stuff without being prompted either as man or a woman

The bolded got me reeling with laughter...my bro, abeg, if you don ready to marry, just go and marry o because you will never understand this marriage thing finish. It's a school one never graduates from. Just find one good girl and marry am abeg.

Loisemm:
So so so true. Some women are something else. They can lie and try to spoil other women's marriage deliberately or indeliberately.
My friend once told me how a neighbor of hers used to tell her how my friend's husband is not trying because they had no furniture in their house yet. (they had been married for abt a year or so). My friend started feeling bad. U wont believe that she later saw for herself that this said neighbor did not have a furnished house either!
My female neigbor whom I am friendly with told me something my Husband did didn't seem right. I angrily told my Husband what she said. He in turn got angry cos I took sides with an outsider and even took negative advice from her. No be small quarrel that day o. All untop wetin third party put for my mind. I knew what the real situation was cos my Husband and I discuss everything but my neighbor made me feel otherwise. Its even funnier cos I witnessed the incident. After that day, more sense came upon me to be careful who I listen to. My Husband reported her to her husband (his friend) who warned her to desist from interfering in other ppl's matter. Esp those she isn't really familiar with cos we newly packed into the place. N I can honestly say she had no ill-intention but still...

Somebody cannot even do small gbeborun with you, you'll just go like that and vomit everything to your husband
Anyways, thank God you received sense at last. God bless your home.

crackhaus:
@ Kimoni, lol.. Here goes.

I have no problem being with a woman who becomes more successful than I am, I really don't - I love me some independent ambitious woman, not leeches...and this is not because I need her money for myself, but because I would respect her more.

Now herein lies the problem, and if you're being honest you would admit it unless you haven't seen it firsthand but I have.
As you know, women by default want to be pampered and cared for...one way y'all measure how well you're being catered for is by how well your men give treats, gifts, and basically surprise y'all (physical well being and all).
It is your natural state to want to look up to your spouses in almost every way - intellectually, physically, financially, etc.

It isn't uncommon meeting women who don't change when they start earning more, but it's much more common meeting those who do.
And the reason for this, is basic..they suddenly are not looking up to their man financially and possibly intellectually - since a woman's measure of a man's intellect goes hand in hand with how much money he has.
The average woman as a result of this will start to feel like well since this man used to be the one getting the most cheddar and getting all the respect for it, perhaps it's time I start getting more respect around here for earning more than he does... And then before you know it, she's raising her voice over little disagreements and behaving in ways that start to seem different.

I know it's possible that the man is overthinking and feeling insecure, but that's what most women still don't understand. Almost everyman in that situation will start to feel a little insecure because in our minds, our natural instinct is to be the sole provider and protector over our women.

So kimoni, NO my manhood won't be taken away from me neither will I become suicidal if my wife becomes more successful than I am...but then again, I'm not every man and can't speak for them all.

Timbuktou:
To the contrary, that is a natural female response in such situations. Billions of men have had to come to terms with that the hard way. Women who know and would do better are in the extreme minority.

Interestingly, men and women seem to require different things from each other, and seem equipped to fulfil different desires in the opposite gender. A man isn't designed to wait on his partner yet he craves to be waited on. If a man is not lazy but has financial problems, the last thing a woman wants to do is carelessly reminds him he's not performing his roles. Many women have learned, to their chagrin, the folly of taking that path. Black America is a perfect example.
Poverty is akin to incapacity and mocking a man for his lowly station is as sinning against the Holy Spirit, unforgivable. Noone makes fun of the disabled. There is no time a man is more vulnerable than when he considers himself a failure or inferior. He must be handled with the utmost care.

A breadwinning, successful woman will be happy when she knows how to handle her poor husband. He would do all the things she wants if she remembers her place as wife and his as husband.

Guys, see the bolded is where the problem lies. The woman has little or nothing do with his issues in most cases.
It's the man's internal insecurities that is the real culprit and not anything that the woman says or do. Infact, during his low times, I doubt if she can say or do anything right with him. Hence, it's the man's total responsibility to fight off his demons without pushing that duty to his wife because as it is, she is overburdened already with the double load she is carrying.

Tim, again, I ask, how does she treat him with extra care during this period? Should she become a complete dummy for peace to reign? I see that you underline "must" meaning it's a task she must perform for her marriage to survive. But is that fair on her? If he should have a melt-down, would it be the fault of the man that could not curtail his demons or the woman that did not perform up to expectation?

**I am not in any way saying a woman should not be supportive during her husband's trying times ooooooooooo

raumdeuter:
Unless I have health issues or some other extra ordinary condition, I would try to always provide the basic for myself and my kids, Its always deflating for an adult not to be able to take care of himself or herself even as a 22yr old University student having to ask your parents and you're getting lectures on this and that

Most men dont have a problem with women making morebecause all over the world we see men sacrificing to elevate the finances of their wifes, the Ibo man in Alaba sending his girlfriend to University, the man who sends his wife to nursing school etc

Its the behavior post success that is usually the issue

raumdeuter:
Because many women dont know how to manage success. And its in most womens nature to try to go the extra mile to assert their authority even when no one is challenging them

Thats why MIL vs wife issues are more common compared to husband vs FIL, Madam vs Housegirl compared to Oga vs driver.

The moment most women become breadwinners thats when they start reminding the husband who pays the bills every other day something overwhelming majority of men do without complaining

Whatever you achieve in your career, Its stops outside the door of the house, when you get home, you are expected to be Mrs and Mommy not Minister of Finance or Professor of Pharmacy

I still want to hear specific post-wealthy behaviours you guys are talking about.

You say she starts to assert her position constantly without being challenged? Hahahaha I don't buy this Dayo. Something must have triggered it.

Example - she comes back from work fagged out yet she still has to go to the kitchen to prepare the family meal. Hubby cannot do that just because he isn't working at the moment. That would probably kill his ego totally so the woman still cooks. No wahala.
She goes into the kitchen only to behold a most untidy kitchen and she asked Leboo why he hasn't washed his dirty plates and that of the kids since he has been home all day. Big error! Hell is let loose on why she dares to ask him to wash plates. Her career and family is taken to the cleaners. She is reminded of how she was nothing during their early years and how her wealth has turned her into a peacock. Infact, she has just defalted his ego and her whole family must hear.

Biko, on top wetin? Just because she asked him why he didn't make an effort to clean up the kitchen

Dayo, is this an example of a proud female breadwinner?