SA Lady:

Sory I dont have the answer you want to hear. But he is back after two years and its the same old crap even after the longest of talks (mind plural) we had. I've even graduated to mommy the one thing I've been avoiding. Silly me I love him

2 years?? That's a very long time to wait. I don't think I can even wait for a year except of course if he is the one God has for me. And the mommy thing, are you said you got pregnant and have a child for him?

28Schweet:

then

you didn't specify how long the break was for, i mean 1 month, 3 months, 10 years, 5 years, just to add my unwarranted advice, if you take a break because of 'issues' chances are those issues are still going to be there when you get back together because you never worked on them,

also, if you are not married to the guy, why would you want to wait for him if he isn't waiting for you, what happens if he goes out there, gets aids and then decides you were truly the woman for him and in your arms he'd like to die,

i was once where you are, after three months I realised, he's taking care of him, i better take care of me, and now man wants me back because he realises that I can still live and breathe and be loved without him,

That's how I feel too. The essence of a break but like you all have said. I would start moving on with my life though he would still keep in touch.

Please moderators or this spambot stop deleting the solution, I haven't seen his solution.

clintwine:

I hope the moderators don't delete the solution again.

Well Lacrissa, i was able to know because am used to solving this sort of problems ( Those of my friends though).

Its good to know the root cause and tackle it from there.
Its not a crime to say you love someone, so you should not feel bad to be the first to say it.

Probably you should start by saying it casually
e.g if he does something for you, you can say:

Your a darling, thats why i love you

I get what you are saying but how can I do all these? We are already on a break.

Please would like to hear stories, experiences of some of you that have or know people that took breaks in their relationships and came back and it worked. Share.

minute:

"Taking a break" means:I want to play the feild and date other people(see what happens),

but since meeting/hooking up with girls is kind of hard sometimes,I want to keep you on hold

in case I don't meet someone better than you.If I don't meet anyone better than you,then I

can go back to having se.x and stuff with you because you're probably going to be sitting there

waiting with a broken heart until I call you. And when I do call,you'll be like a desperate dog to see

and you'll jump through hoops to see me happy so I don't "'break" again!




DUMP HIS SORRY BUTT.

He is a very busy man. I doubt it's because of seeing other women. He even told me, it wasn't like he's talking to other women or tring to, as I saw, he is very busy and rarely has time.

SA Lady:

Please allow him to process this in his mind at his own time, he is entitled to it. If he comes back to you and says he wants out well so be it there's nothing wrong in that and dont feel bad about it. Sometimes people need to be allowed the freedom to take decisions even if the decision is not in our favour. Give blessings to him so he can find the one he really really want to be with and should be with, who knows that actually that soemone mignt just be you.

Dont wait for him carry on with life like you should and claim back your control.

Thanks, that's what I've decided to do. You cannot beg someone to stay with you.

ursa:

@poster

have u slept with him? if No then let him take as much break as he loves.

If Yes then he has had his cake and he wants out.

Remember he is older and should know better, if you where the one taking a break then we can understand.

But honestly, I believe u are either too young to be dating or choking him with love
(***you are at his place in his absence and plan to wait for him to come back***).

If you are too young to be dating then he feels embarrassed showing you off as his girlfriend.

If you are choking him then he feels you will soon become a burden to him.

Healthy relationships always strike a balance between love and work.
I hope you have not done the sleeping part because the rejection will break your heart.

But I pray that God sends you a true friend and you learn that love and intimacy are miles apart!

Thanks Ursa.
I am not too young and in the beginning, he was taking me everywhere, showing me off and introduced his friends to me. I wish I could post my pic but oh well. That should not be the problem and at 22 soon 23 as we know time waits for no one, I don't think I'm too young.
As for choking him, looking back, i feel I might have shown him too much love already and it's not even up to 6 months.

andromida:

so he is taking a break indefinately.i.e till further notice and this means you should move on.sorry it must hurt bad.

Yes in as much as it hurts, I know life must go on. Thanks.

jay bee:

@OP
Why do you seem to have issues with your bf's
First it was the issue of height, then the age difference and now the dreaded "taking a break" issue.


Why don't you just take a break yourself to decide on what you want as well as concentrating on what matters with the added bonus of letting everything else fall naturally into place.

Good luck still

Thanks Jaybee. Yes the height was a problem before I got deeper and got to know him and his other qualities. The age difference was what he mentioned as a concern because according to him, he had never done it, but seeing I'm different and the chemistry was willing to work with it and with time, would completely erase the concern, that's what he told me.

I don't really believe in breaks. What's difficult in having someone and also concentrating on your future and all but I guess like you said, let everything else fall naturally into place.

clintwine:

@Lacrissa, i decided to go through your previous posts and this is what i have to say.

At 21, you are not too old, infact you just started life.
Your problems now stems from the fact that you seem desperate to marry ( Am not insulting you, infact, you might not know that this is the signal your sending off), but the truth is that people you are with can sense this.

Men don't take breaks, if they do, it has to be for a reason , we usually break up or cause you to do the break up.

A man could take a break because he sees a potential in you( Something he values so much), and doesn't want to leave you.

Now ask yourself what does he stand to gain (Visa, money, companionship , love , )
This answer would determine if the guy wants to use you as a means to an end or just wants to end up with you.

Sometimes when people ask for advice, people supply advice based on what is seen on the surface, and don't try to find out the root cause.

Now you said you guys were having this quarrels lately.

I would say that your childish tendencies were being thrown up. you might ask how i know, you mentioned some of it here, but i would say from your other posts.

First you post on how pretty you are and how your family talks about it and how many guys are toasting you( am paraphrasing). If unfortunately this happens in the presence of this man, and he sees your encouraging it, it sends the wrong signal.

secondly, you complain about his height, that your 5.7 and he is 5.6

Thirdly, i hope he is not the ugly rich Man you once talked of.

Do you think you have been so touchy lately or nagging or have you said some hurting words, that could be part of it.

I would have to admit, it's like you've been around me in person seeing everything. I'm not 21. I know I am young but is there any crime in wanting to settle early which I mus admit again, I feel like you said I have been showing signals of wanting to settle down and marry maybe should not have been the case.

For what he stands to gain, I have a lot to offer, It doesn't have to be money but genuine love, companionship and all those though not saying I'm perfect.

He hasn't met my family yet. Maybe my showing desperation of wanting to settle down was not to lose him because of the age difference and his concern that I might not want to settle down, I was only showing him, I am willing to settle down. Age is just a number after all I am very mature for my age.

Yes his height was a problem but as you get to know someone and see other qualities, I was willing to work through it. I never said he was ugly and rich.

For your last question, yes I have been a little touchy because I felt since I admitted my feelings to him, I'm scared of being taken for granted so most times, I've been too judgemental of what he says which he also said is the reason of the break which also made him remember the age difference he once mentioned was a concern. Yes I said some hurtful words like sometimes he behaves insensitive so I ask why he's behaving cold and things like maybe that's why his ex left him and all. That he should be more sensitive.

Thank you all for all your advice(s). I would do as said though it hurts so bad.

andromida:

the simple truth is that nobody knows what is going through the guys mind but what evrybody is telling u is true in so many ways r/ships are complicated  but a guy being 12yrs older (esp in naija seems to me thats the kind of gal most of them like) than you shouldnt be a problem afterall he didnt have a probs with that when he was rocking things with you thats if you guys have done it if you knw wat i mean.YOU have to give him space nothing wrong in asking him howlong the break will be infact it is very important cos lots of time when people say they want break is cos they want to fly away.all you can do right now is siddon look pls dont belittle yourself running round and trying to talk him into loving you or staying or that you are worth it dnt make him be with you out of pity cos if he wants to leave you are just postponing the inevitable.

I already asked him even if he is indirectly telling me he's walking away he said break is break, that he wants to know if this is what he wants or not with the misunderstandings we've been having. That there is no time frame it could be sooner or longer and sometimes during that period, it's a make or break it. That he can't really tell. That's what he texted me back.
Gosh this hurts!

Onchedu:

Ask Urself what a girl 6years older than U would more like do about the sms he sent U. If U are as young as I think U are, chances are, in that age group she won't be desperate for marriage or come off to him as such and she won't be clingy either.

Do the maths and make up your "her" mind on what to do.

Won't be surprised if U sent him a reply already.

Onchedu:

The heart is not the instrument to use in times of chaos. It only functions effectively in fair weathers. The girl needs to use her head now. The reason why more people loose out on love is cos they use their hearts when they should have been using thier heads. the whole situation is emotionally charged as it is and your advising the child to use her heart?

Ok o. Babe, use your heart U hear. When U have a thread that says, "Men are heartless," drop me a message so I can come and make my contributions.

You don't know my age neither am I a kid. What is there using my head or being 6 years older. I only asked a simple question and opinions so I don't make any mistake this moment. He sent me a text, is it wise to reply or not and also use that opportunity to ask him how long he wants the break. Is that difficult?

Onchedu:


Oh that's wonderful. Oya start writing him love poems about the good times and if U can burn a cd of his favorite songs and buy him a gift before he gets back. Hope U made him his favorite meal and have prepared his bath water?

Nonsense! Shey English language dey hard u well well for afternoon ehn? As e be say U wan cry oya wait make wetin U dey find jam U.
I don vex!

Relax please, this is not the best time to start criticizing me. Take it easy. I said he already sent me a text saying "he's sorry how things are going. He's sure I'm not thinking the best of him".

28Schweet:

I suppose she's @ his place now, waiting to serve him tea when he gets home, if she didn't have full access to this house, i'd agree no intimacy took place.

Why are you emphasizing so much on the sex part?


@Ujujoan and Ochendu,
 He sent me a text now saying "he's sorry how things are going and he's sure I'm not thinking the best of him right now." I don't know if I need to reply this or ignore and If I should reply, what to say? If it's also a good time to ask him how long. I'm asking all these because of the state of my mind right now. Don't wanna make a silly mistake.

Onchedu:

U'l soon make me angry cos it seems your bent on getting urself a harder heartbreak than U seem to be on course to. DON'T SEND HIM ANYTHING! WAIT TILL U SEE HIM!!!

I'm at his place right now, maybe I should wait for him to return though I wanted to leave early so I could see him in person, ask him, then I could leave and somewhat move on.

28Schweet:

[your talking as if most girls nowadays hold it for even a week. I no know wetin una dey find sef wey to hold body dey hard una. Una and una mumsies dey relate girl to girl at all?

i'm no naija-o, so you just confused the pigeon outta me,

@ Lacrissa, no it's not, but it's a major factor,

I agree it is but sex or no sex, I did or do have feelings for him.

Ujujoan:

Will you just Shut up? Please? Thank you!

You should have asked him how long he wanted the break immidiately he asked for it. But since you didn't, it's not wrong to ask immidiately.
It's not asign of desperation,you just need direction. You also need to find out exactly what the 'break' involves. Can you guys date other people?

A guy doesn't ask for a break after a misunderstanding except he was just looking for an excuse all along.

I know how hurt you must feel right now. Three months might seem like a short time to love someone so deeply but it's not!

But you might also want to consider the possibility that the r/ship is over . . for good! Like I said in my first post, maybe a break is really what you need.  

Thanks Ujujoan for understanding. I'm at his place right now, he's at work, wanted to leave before he gets back but I'm also considering waiting for him to get back from work then I can see him in person and ask him, then I leave immediately.

Onchedu:

U'l soon make me angry cos it seems your bent on getting urself a harder heartbreak than U seem to be on course to. DON'T SEND HIM ANYTHING! WAIT TILL U SEE HIM!!!

wow! ok I'll take your word for this, if this is the best thing at this point. I don't want to screw up.

28Schweet:

so had you done the 'bedroom acrobatics' with him? for you to find it so hard to let go, it's only been three months  , how inlove could you have been in that time,  

Is it only sex that makes one find it hard to let go?

Onchedu:

Chic, wait till U see him. This is not the time to write notes or send messages. your emotions myt push U to include more than U need to and if things turn sour, those things will make U feel worse.

Ochendu I appreciate your words. I'm so hurt right now but not crying. I was thinking of sending him a text now he's at work to ask him how long. I don't know what to feel right now. Maybe if I have an idea on how long, it would be easier on me or follow what you said, asking how long when I see him again in person.

Onchedu:

U should have asked him immediately he told U. It's not to early. Sometimes the best way to keep something with U is to be a little indifferent about the possibility of loosing it, esp when it's starring U right in the face.

Ask him. Don't look like a looser when u do, if U are meeting hm in person, which is better. Look your best but in a subtle way.

When he tells U, keep away from him absolutely. No "Hi, I just want to check if u are doing fine" or any such lines.

Us the free time to add value to your life. and like I said, be ready to let go if he decides to break it off with U. it's not like U are married already so anything is possible.

I might not see him for some days now. I want to write a note and leave in his place, should I include in it asking how long he wants the break for or I should just text/ask him through the phone?

28Schweet:

taking a break is as good as breaking up in my opinion,
i know it's unheard of with some naija girls, but had you already given him the forbidden fruit, resulting in why you cannot accept that he's looking to find someone else (general purpose of a break).

So breaks always mean that the other partner is looking for someone else? And what is the forbidden fruit?

Onchedu:

Ask him how long the break is to last. A guy who isn't acting like a girl would tell U how long. If he's not bitter or looking for time to paly around, keeping U on ice, he'll tell U.

I feel he still thinks a big deal of the age difference, and that myt be as a result of your misunderstandings. 12 years is no joke. It takes a lot of maturity on the part of both parties to really meet each other half way to make this kind of relationship work. means U have to conduct Urself as though u are at least 6years younger and he conduct himself as though he is six years younger. that's just the starting point.

Maturity is not a function of age. I've recently dated a girl 11years younger than I am and she conducted herself better than girls that were just two years younger than I am.

You should talk with your guy and ask him to come clean. Don't act in desperation. Just put it at the back of your head that U myt have to let go of him if it comes to that. being needy never had appeal with most people in matters of the heart.

Do I ask him how long immediately because we discussed about this last night? And how else do I ask him without acting desperate or needy?

Ujujoan:

Honestly u r having too much problem with this guy. I think the break is a good idea!

I would say the problems started when he talked about the age difference being a concern to him but we have been good. Just some misunderstandings in which I over react. How about during the course of this break, he finds someone else or his feelings completely diminish?

I talked about the guy older than I am that wanted to walk away because of the age difference 12 years older, and I had to talk to him that age should not be a problem. He decided to stay. After some months, weeks, he said he is considering a break because of some misunderstandings we've had. I asked him if it was a way of walking out again, he said no he just wants a break to decide if it's something he could deal with or not.

What am I supposed to do now or should do. I am hurt but you cannot force someone to stay when they don't want to. Please I need opinions on these and do you think he would want to come back or would he miss me? Should I continue to keep in touch? Should I ask him, how long this break would last so I know the outcome or just keep silent about the whole thing? Please I need answers

P.s it's barely 3 months we've been dating.

Thanks guys, Though I expressed my feelings to him when he wanted to walk away because he said he wasn't sure what I was feeling for him and age so I told him I have feelings but never said "love".

Ok girls, you've been dating a guy for maybe like 2months,, and you know you have feelings for him, is it ok to say "I love you" first or wait for him even though you know he has feelings for you? And how soon or what time frame is good to say "i love you".

Guys how would you react if a girl tells you under these conditions?

A very intelligent man you know would make a good family man, train your kids very well but you are not all that attracted to or a man who is also intelligent but less than the first and you are also attracted to him. Who would you choose for a long term relationship and possibly marriage?

Area_boy:

let me guess, you're below 21 ,

thats why he's concerned

why would you think I'm below 21? I'm not below 21.

daduke2k:

U nid 2 mak it work, buh i tel ya it aint gona last .

why do you think iy would not last?

He's 12 years older than I am and we've been seeing for about 2months. He shared his concern with me about the age, that he has never done this young but he's really attracted and has feelings for me. I assured him that it is not a problem but he said it was for him, that could I cope with it, if he still has that concern at the back of his mind?

Please people how do I relieve him from this concern? or what is best for me to do?

Sometimes I sit back thinking of how many guys I've let go both good and bad but more especially the good ones. I know I can only marry one man but how about the other ones I let go that were good? Ladies, how did you finally know he was the one and decided to settle down even after meeting other good guys before him?

If you were to choose one, which would you go for and why?

All of you feeling sleepy, c'mon is it the computer you all come to yawn and fall asleep, My post is senseless, yes then simply ignore. It doesn't hurt.

jennykadry:

have you finished fornicating poster?

you are not my God woman, so go take a hike, only God can judge me! if this was meant to make me feel bad or guilty, try harder next time

Gabry:

Poster, if you are doing it with the love of your life why not? If you are doing it with multiple users, than u should tell this to yourself.

U cannot always get what you want and this is one of it.

I use to feel so sick cause Im not getting laid by my bf and I layed in bed feeling so sick. That time he was out stattion and the worst thing is that I have just gotten Dis V so the urge is extemely torturing. . . Everyday I called him on phone and cried. LOL! DAANG!!!! And I force myself to sleep and cried over it. I thank God I didnt get it from anywhere else. . . The feeling of being faithful to the one you love makes you proud and theres nothing which you need to hide from him.

Thanks for understanding exactly where I was coming from, though I'm not saying or encouraging people, "yes it's very right". Some people are just making it seem like it's something extraordinary or out of this world which I bet, they struggle through the same thing.



M.Nwankwo
I read your post and it does make sense.

Super T:

You need go for deliverace. You need to deal with your foundation if you come from polygamous family, and you

determine to effect change in your Life.

What do you mean by deliverance?? Most people are just hypocrites. How many of are having intimacy with our loved one and note I said loved "ONE" not "ONES" I am not in support saying intimacy before marriage with a loved one is good, I'm only saying how possible is it to love God, still do good but the weakness is just having intimacy with your loved one whether boyfriend or fiance, that I wish it was not the case because it isn't easy? What is the deliverance here for?? Also do I have to be from a polygamous family to be having sex For your info, I am from a God fearing, monogamous family.