₦airaland Forum

I see many of us like giving gaps between kids

At first it was my husband's idea, but once again I realize he was right . I think 2/3 yrs gap would be just fine, I'd have time to do what I wanna do professionnally by then, save up more money, and the 1st one would be more independent (I don't want to take care of 2 babies'diapers at once, or wake up at night for 2 babies, unless I have twins).

I am still young, so even with such gap I could have 3 kids before I turn 30.

It's funny most of you have a minimum of 2/3 yrs gap between your children, most of the people I know have kids quickly one after the other, maybe because the ladies wait more to have the 1st one (after 30)

@Big man: yes, finances are important too, I have to admit that physically I [i]could [/i]have kids closer together, but we started our marriage over 2 yrs ago with nothing, and it's been hard as the 1st baby was not planned so early. Originally, I wanted to wait more and then have them all one after the other, But now that I've experienced what motherhood is, I think waiting in between is best

Also, I am still working full time and don't plan on staying at home, so time is needed between pregnancies to keep my career going,


But hey, I'm telling you guys all about me, the post was about your own choices too Big Man, what made you and your wife plan to have children the way you did?

@bece: yes, I like the idea of having some "peace" between babies. The first one is a year and a half now and I breastfed for over a yr, so one more year to recover (and sleep at night   ) won't be too much before number 2

@invisible : right, and you'll wire us money monthly to feed the family  

Hello people

I was just wondering, in your opinion, what is the ideal number of children and the ideal age gap between them?

My hubby and I are thinking about 3 kids with around 3yrs gap between each, What about you?

Selflessness -> if you wanted life to be about yourself, you should have stayed single
Contentment -> never take each other for granted,  Before you go look for the "butterflies" somewhere else, remember what you've been through to get the comfortable and loving routine you have at home. The grass is no greener in the neighbour's garden
Patience -> Marriage is something that can only be built over time. Long time. What you're doing today, you will reap tomorrow

Faith -> sometimes you'll be walking in the dark, with only your faith in the marriage lighting the way. Marriage itself is a step of faith

Love. no butterflies love, the love you give and are at the same time blessed with for someone you know the dark sides', love when this person disapoints you, hurts you, deceives you,  but also the love he still has for you even after you've hurt him, disapointed him, deceived him,

I believe marriage is successful when you stop waiting for a gain and love "for free", deeply out of your soul, spirit and heart, when you've seen the worst but still hope for the best, when you know nothing will tear you appart, when you can experience God's love through your partner: unbreakable, unending, non judgmental, forgiving,

A few things can help you think about the situation, for now, you don't know if what he says or his friends say is true or not, so you shouldn't take action based on that. Esp. concerning the friends, my husband had so called friends that tried to talk me into leaving him to date them during one of his trip, I guess some guys just think that because you married a nigerian man, you are ready to marry anyone of them So don't listen to them so much, and find for yourself what you need to know.

Did you go to nigeria with your husband? Did you meet his family? Had a traditionnal wedding there? Did he tell you about his baby then/before wedding? In what situation did he tell you about this baby? How did he react when you learnt that he met his ex in nigeria (which is a must as she is his baby mama)? How old is the baby? Did you talk to her? Did you talk to his ex? What is his plan for the baby i.e. how does he take care of her (sending money, taking her to live with you etc.)? Does his ex call him often?

You should study the situation for yourself, without causing to much drama in your relationship, as the man might be honest, keep your eyes opened, have a heart to heart conversation, and pray for the best.

Good luck!

Surely, this is not an easy situation, and you seem already strong for taking all this. I'm sorry to say that but it really seems like part of the story is missing there, How can a man you've known for  6 years change so much like that. Can't you identifye anything that led to it?

A few questions that you can ask yourself: it seems your husband doesn't like the fact that you are successful, what was your plan before you guys get married? Did he know that you wanted to pursue a carreer even after giving birth to children? Did he know you were ambitious and what reaction did he have? Did you discuss money? How you'd share it, how you'd manage the home? I'm saying this coz some men like the wife to stay home and wanna be the only bread provider, If he has a very traditionnal mind (or if his family puts such ideas in his mind) he might think you don't respect him coz you go out and work and make your own money to support the home and yourself, If that's the case, you will have to know if one of you is ready to compromise on that point (I would personnally find it difficult to be with a man who doesn't respect my carreer and ambitions, ).

Another point is the baby girl, when you guys talked about children before having her, did you raise the question of the sex? What was his position on it? Once again, do you think his family can be putting ideas in his head such as "you are not a good wife coz you didn't give him a boy" (as if you could choose   ),

Maybe you hurt him through little things that are unimportant to you, like asking him to "help" you for your supermarket's opening, when obviously you don't need that help, or offering to help him to open his own shope (like "I can do it alone but you might need help", these would be flimsy reasons for his big change of attitude, and he should have let you know before if anything was wrong but you never know,

When did this all start? What happened at that time? What changed? And before that? Any event that could have started things to turn ugly? Hasn't there been a time when you had a conversation or a fight that you overlooked thinking it was no big deal but that might be a big deal to him?

Good luck anyway, I admire your efforts to try your best to save your marriage,  give it time and efforts but as other said, also think of yourself and your baby's future and safety,

It's a serious question, And very difficult to know what we'd really do in such situation if it never happens. If it had been a boyfriend's mistress I would surely have left the guy and hated the girl secretly, But we're talking about a husband here, the man you've promised "for better and worse", the man you've loved so much that you promised your whole life to, the man you've been carrying the children from, the man who certainly saw you through times of joy and times of sorrow and who has always been by your side, How could I leave my husband because of a mistress, who is nothing but a "girlfriend" ?

Anyway, I think in such situation I'd really prefer not to know the lady, and focus on my marriage instead. I would first confront my husband, and see how he reacts, what he wants, If he wants to divorce to be with that girl or if he has no plan whatsoever to dump her, then that might be what he gets (divorce, ), but if that was a "mistake" and he's ready to work it out, then I'll do my part to make things work.

My husband is a really nice man, and I don't imagine him cheating on me unless I did something really bad to him, So the best way to deal with it is keep our marriage happy and he'll never have a mistress

Well, I didn't start any business yet, which is why I'm asking

My husband and I have some plans and we are saving the money from our regular jobs. I just asked because it seems when I look around me that many of those who succeeded quite fast in business were those who had family support (either in terms of money or experience in the particular business field) and I wanted to have other testimonies than those I hear around me, and maybe get hope in the fact that we can do something on our own.

Hi all,

I was thinking it could be encouraging for everybody to tell us how you started your first business:

- How did you get the money?
- How did you get the idea?
- How long did it take you?
- How did it work?

and,  how is it going now?

Plus if you have advises from your experience, please let's share them,  We're all ears! 

Never let the sun go down on your anger

I forgot this one, I definitely agree! I would also say never let your partner leave the house angry, you don't know what can happen outside,

Best: don't involve any third party in your marriage and, especially, don't discuss your relationship's issues with friends (or anybody else actually), discuss them with your husband directly.

I can't say how many times this advice has helped us, I have learned to be very secretive about our relationship, and always make sure my husband is the first one to know any of my thoughts or feelings concerning our marriage.

I would also add the same advice when it comes to raising children, two people are in charge of their education: the mom and dad, others should take care of their own business


Another good advice: there are no rules in love that can fit everybody. Make your own rules (with your partner), build your own relationship according to them. Don't follow other people's example (even if their marriage is great), it might not work for you


As for the worst, I already forgot them

Maybe they think it would be easier/better with someone else, once thay reach a few years of marriage and realize it's not all fun and butterflies, The truth is, it would be more or less the same with anybody. Some of the things that are difficult in a marriage are due to marriage itself (it is not easy to share everything with one person, and all the responsibilities of marriage) or to the person herself , and not the partner (for instance, if it is a challenge for me to expose my feelings and talk to my husband about what bothers me I cannot blame it on him to "not understand me" but on myself, things would be the same with another man ).

Of course, there are some situations when a person really does marry the wrong man/woman (I'm thinking of the girls who would still marry their boyfriend after he beat them, or someone with alcohol problems etc.). But all in all, I believe marriage reveals more about ourselves than anything else, and changing partner will not change us, at some point, we have to look at ourselves and accept to change if we want to make the marriage work, not change the partner.

If both of them are employed they shoul share the expenses of the house, save some money for the family and keep the rest (if any) for their personnal expenses. I believe that we marry to join hands, not to put a heavy burden on our partner's shoulders.

However, there are some situations when things are different: for example if the man (or woman) earns much more than the wife (or husband) and has enough to provide for the whole family as well as for his/her personnal expenses, then he/she should do so and let the other spouse keep his/her money. Things can also be different if the woman stops working to have/raise children etc, But as long as two people work, they should put the money on the table and decide together how to spend it. Women are not kids, if they are working they are supposed to also take responsibility for their families' expenses

Thanks for all your comments, I agree with some of you here while I disagree with some point of views, however, it seems that submission is just plain respect (or should be), so I still don't really understand why it is a gender thing. I of course have to respect and honor my husband, and communicate with him on whatever plan I have and make sure we both agree before doing anything, but he does the same now, doesn't he ? For instance, I really wouldn't like him to go and do things that would have consequences on me without telling me first (money investments, planning holidays, anything like that),

Now that I read your definitions of submission, I still wonder, though, why does it still look like there is a BIG difference in real life? Why do we see so many husbands calling on the "I'm the head of the house" thing to not discuss important issues ? Why can we see women going to work and both partners taking responsibility for the household's income but we rarely see a man serving dinner when guests are there ? And why, as I noted in my first post, are women never welcomed to join serious conversations between men ?

I don't want to make it a men/women war now, I am really trying to understand what is this big thing about respect/submission and marriage about.

I agree, some might turn out nice but that doesn't mean all will, I believe it is important to avoid all kinds of violence or negativity when raising a child: abusive words, threats, physical violence, fear etc. Of course, that being said, no one is perfect and we can all say words that we'd regret later when angry or under pressure, especially if that's the way our own parents raised us.

It means look at the plan tht the husband has for the family and if it is good and God's way, follow him and support him

So, nowaday's nigerian ladies still expect their husband to have a plan for the family, and consider it his responsability? It is very interesting because in my own culture it is essential for both partners to plan the family's future (and the ideas can be mainly the wife's)

It does not mean being silly.

What would "being silly" be like ?


Thanks for your replies!

I am wondering, after a few conversations I had with my husband on this topic, if there is a general view in Nigeria  about submission in a marriage.

It seems to me, from what I've read here and there that things are changing but when I look at my nigerian girlfriends in their marriages I still see some kind of "setback" from them, at least when in public. For example I rarely see serious conversations shared in a group of men and women, the few issues I've been discussing with my husband's male friends were always about family/chldren. When it comes to politics, culture, business they switch to their language or move to another room, which makes even the women who speak the language "not welcomed".

Even on more personnal topics : daily life and organization of the household, solving problems between husband and wife, topics discussed with the wife etc. I still feel, through my husband's behaviors some kind of expectations for me to be "submissive" which can sometimes feel completely unacceptable from my own point of view while it seems like "no big deal" to him as he already feels that he has lowered his expectations to the minimum.

So, my question is, how is considered submission in nowadays' marriages? What are the important things, those that tend to disappear? Is it still called "submission" or is it considered "respect" ? What do men and women think about it ?

hi all, I've been reading this topic and as much as I can catch some simple sentences in yoruba I don't get how the language is structured. For instance, I don't know how to build a simple sentence (subject/verb :I eat rice/ you eat rice/ she eats rice, ) or differentiate tenses (present/past/future), I have also read somewhere that it's a tonal language, ie pronunciation is critical, but I'm not even sure how to read efficiently the sentences I saw on this thread (had to ask my hubby).

Someone here could give me some insights?

thanks!

You say your baby is 6 weeks old and you got married last february which means your wife got pregnant shortly after the wedding, so throughout your first year of marriage she has either been pregnant/taking care of a new born and recovering from delivery. Only this should be enough for you to convince yourself that this situation might not last forever but might be due to the big changes in her woman's life. Honestly, being pregnant and having a small baby to take care of (breastfeeding 8 to 12 times a day + hormonal changes +lack of sleep) is already more than enough to make a woman not "as eager as before" to have intimacy with her hubby, despite the love she might feel for him.

A second thing is the work she might have at home. Many people go like "Don't you get bored at home alone with the baby?" when taking care of a house and baby is one of the most difficult thing, especially for the first one.

Now, some piece of advice    You have to take her mind out of this daily routine, to make available space for romance in her ideas (women, it comes from our head first), you can't just come up to her and ask for sex, you need to put her in the mood. Have someone take care of the baby for a couple of hours, cook/order a meal/take her out to eat, you can offer her a little massage and from there, when her mind is at peace it might be easier

I don't mean that you have to do all that [i]everytime [/i]you wanna have intimacy but from time to time, let her remember she's a woman, send her out to have fun with her friends, buy her a gift, light on some candles,  anything really that would make the situation special,  If you do that from time to time,  I am very sure her mind will be more opened to intimacy with you,  Just take it as a new courtship period.

It might sound "too much", but I know that would have worked with me,  unfortunately there were nobody to give such great advices to my hubby but he took some great steps by himself too (cooked for me, hired a housemaid to help me at home, babysit the baby from time to time to allow me going out, )

It's just a matter of time! good luck! 

I agree with the previous answers. I think a baby knows exactly how much he/she should eat. I know some moms who always follow the instructions instead of listening to their baby, I personnally think the baby can regulate himself: sometimes he might it a lot and at other times just eat very little,

Apart from avoiding processed food, I also make sure that i don't use food as comfort/reward, food is food, and baby will be able to eat the same no matter what his behavior was that day.

I understand that it is important for anybody to be financially independent, but that doesn't mean doing it all alone. Getting married is for the better or worse, it's about sharing and helping each other. I think the wedding should be sponsored by both the bride and the groom, as well as their families if they want/can help.

Thanks again for those replies. I do not know the ratio of "bad men" among nigerians, what I know for sure is, though he is not perfect, my husband is a good one Anyway, even with a very nice guy, going back to a home country can lead to some changes in behavior, As I said, we currently live abroad, so we make up our own culture out of three others (his, mine and the country we live in), if we go back to nigeria, he will blend in easier than I do, and that could be a stress on our marriage.

It might sound like I take it lightly, as sara j said, but I left my country right after graduation and have been working in different places abroad (no western country) since, so moving to different countries is more of a lifestyle, that i really enjoy But you are right, I might not have spent enough time in nigeria to see the difficulties there. It was always so nice and his family is very welcoming and protective, that I didn't experience any trouble. I wish to spend more time there, trying to do a few things on my own to have an idea of how it could really be. But as I said, this is a plan for the future and we still have time to think about it and plan better.

mrsb, do your kids go to an international school? after graduation, do you want them to study in uk? How do they blend in with other kids/cousins ?

agathamari:
as a white married to a nigerian- you hit the nail on the head.

nigerians like women.  they act single evenwhen they are married.  thy hve "friends" with benifits aftr marriag, buy gifts for the girls that you will not be told even exist.  they will flirt with other girl infront of you and then get pissed off if you as a mrried woman are frieds with any single girls cause it not proper

I think cheating is not something only nigerian men do. Some men do that, in every country. As for my husband, I don't think that would happen (at least no more than a "one mistake" time). We already discussed the "second wife" topic many times, and he doesn't want one. Good thing coz I don't either 

Anyway,  as far as this topic goes, I cannot know the future, I just hope or the best, trust the choice I made when marrying my husband, and if things turn bad,  well, I'd get a second husband 

thanks for those advices.

Yes, we use nigerian names for our kids, and my husband speaks yoruba to them. The house/school fees and all the financial aspect as to be planned carefully, that's why I want to go again a few times as a visitor to check a few things. Another point I see that is not clear yet is the time we'd spend there: would we stay "forever" or "for a few years", even though I'd love to experience life in nigeria over a long enough period of time, I might want to go back home, or to move to another place as a grow older,

well, that's another thing to discuss with my hubby

Oh, and I don't mean to hurt anybody's feeling but I also got this "attitude" from nigerian girls when I visited. One of my husband's friend's wife never greeted me, she was going to my husbands with smiles and all but I never got a "hello". I was introduced as his wife to an old friend of him (girl), she was quite friendly and I had her on the phone a couple of times after we left nigeria, and few months later, when my husband anounced our baby's birth she asked who was the mother 

I was very upset at first, then my husband explained to me that many people didn't believe in interracial marriages,  I don't know if that explains it all,  but it's kind of tough, when you try to be nice to people, to get such attitudes as an answer 

Thanks all for your replies! 

mrsb, your testimony is exactly what i was looking for. I know that visiting and settling down in a country are two different things. My husband and I are already living in a country very different from ours, and I already gave up many of my european standards. My job allows me to look for another one from where I am, and I wouldn't move without securing a job first, though it would certainly be on a local contract too.

The things that concern me are among those you described: getting cheated by many people (it's something that happened to me a lot here, away from home, and as a result I currently don't have any local friend anymore,  which is very hard to accept), stress on the marriage (his family is great, but we currently live in our own bubble in a foreign country, it might be different when we go to his own home, I know I would be different if we were to go back to europe    ), and maybe other little things that could get on my nerves (internet/telephone/roads etc. not working, these little things can ruin a day).

Anyway,  still thinking about it, I want both of us to be really willing to move before doing so.

Thanks again and keep posting!

My husband is nigerian and i am european.  I am the one who talked about it first, as i really enjoyed nigeria when i went there, and I'd love to know his culture better, learn the language and I would of course like our kids to be comfortable in nigeria, and not to feel like strangers there. In terms of jobs, we could both keep working there. I think that living there could be a great experience for us as a family,  But as I only see the good side I am starting to wonder what could be the bad one?

Of course we will take time to think about it and I wish to visit more before taking the step but i'm sure your comments on the situation could help me to get ready.


If you have any idea about how life is/could be for a "white wife" in nigeria, in terms of daily life, social life, family etc.  i'd love to hear about it!

Thanks! 

If u love someone, money won't mean shit. If you love a man and he can't afford a decent wedding, u should pay for it if you can.

I definitely agree.

I understand that some women would rather have a "financially comfortable" husband, who would sponsor the wedding and foot the bills, but I don't see how being poor makes a guy less of a man. It's like saying that people deserve respect/love based on the numbers on their bank account, and I can't stand this materialistic mentality.

Great! thanks, please don't talk about moin moin though, I tried it for the first time yesterday and it was a real mess (the paste remaines liquid even after cooking), I'm so ashamed

aaah ok, love potion! I don't think we'll need that now  (though, maybe when he'll get tired of my "food experiences",   )

As for the akamu, I will wait for the details.

Thanks again!

Thanks for those details! I thought Akamu was more like a thin porridge (without eggs) rather than custard. I only have regular corn flour here (not from african shop) so I guess it won't have this special sour taste, Does it come from fermentation?

I might be able to do something that my husband will like though

p.s.: what is the sheokoyokoto ?