₦airaland Forum

Good topic, poor response rate - public hospitals should provide family planning advice and services I assume.
If more people paused to plan before having kids, Naija would be such a prosperous nation.
Please plan so that when the kids come and see how much you prepped, you sef will have mouth to train them properly.
It is much harder to bring up straight forward kids when you bring them them into penury.

Her skin held up nicely, even in old age

Odiegwu! Punishment to give your wife

skressed1:
That is an ignorant thing to say. I took precautions to ensure I didn't get pregnant, as none of us had planned it. However, strange things happen and I took responsibility as an adult to face the situation on my end and figure out how it'll work for me. You sound like those people in society who blame the woman. If a woman isnt conceiving instead of looking at whether the man has issues, you say its the woman fault. That is what you sound like. With all due respect, you only know what I've shared which are facts of the matter.

Ordinarily, I would not respond, you have enough to deal with already but for the sake of other young people who may potentially find themselves in this situation, I will say more.

I am a woman and I was once 18, 19, 20 or whatever age you are now. No, I never got pregnant outside wedlock because I had bigger plans for my future, no boy told me he was interested in having a baby with me and I was raised by old school parents who taught their children there is no dignity in getting pregnant or having kids before he put a ring on it. Maybe yours is a case of failed contraception maybe it was not, only you know for sure.

I am going to be brutally frank, I may sound harsh. Assuming the pregnancy can be blamed on failed contraception, you still took the foolish risk of having sex with someone that is simply not all that into you. If he was, he would not be avoiding it. He might be scared but he would not just deny and run.

If you must sleep with someone, mitigate the risk of becoming an involuntary baby mama by at least making sure you have the emotional maturity and discernment to ensure he's not the runaway type. If you don't have that confidence in him, the sex is simply NOT worth it!

I modified before I realized I had been quoted so I have a longer version up there but still in the same vein.

"In Nigeria, a 35 year old is seen as a child"

I will wait for someone whose English is first class to show me the "some" in that statement.

BroZuma:
In Nigeria, a 35 year old is seen as a child by the parents... literally, some go as far as living with their parents and getting financial aid (pocket money) at that age.

And it's worse with Nigerian mother's from some regions where they rule and command their children's lives for them.

Your case is not strange, just be strong.

Absolute nonsense! I'm guessing you are not Nigerian so your ignorance is forgiven. Like everywhere else in the world, there may be ( I do not know any) 35 year old men in Nigeria getting parental support and being treated like kids but it is not the norm in any part of the country.

In the same way, way domineering, controlling mothers abound in every culture, it is not at all peculiar to Nigeria and you can't blame a mother who kicks against the possible derailment of her son's life because he foolishly allowed his hormones to take over his brain.

As for the topic, children are denied everyday in every culture by unwilling young men who did not plan to be fathers but were foolish enough to entrust contraception to their sexual partners. The deed is done, mistakes happen but often times, we still have to pay for them so he has to deal with the responsibility. Best wishes!

Marriage is not the problem, that can be done on the cheap
The real problem is giving birth to kids you cannot afford to raise just to prove you are capable of doing something even goats and pigs do

It must be the same civilization that dictates you should give your phone numbers to someone that is toasting you "just in case" you need to replace your husband.

Because they did not become billionaires by making decisions based on appearances

Some people say everything happens for a reason, maybe this happened to teach you the wisdom of contraception
Look on the bright side, you're smart first class material, at least you now know not to let the same thing happen again, ko?

Martins4christ:
Ok, After Breaking Up With My Ex Who Happened To Graduate D Year I Got Into The University, I Discovered That I Am Pregnant For Him, I Told Him About It, Initially, He Sent Some Money,telling Me To Get Rid Of It, But I Was Too Scard To Abort, Nd Decided To Keep It. But When I Told My Parent And My Mum Called Him,he Denied Being Responsible For It.
Right Now Am Fast Approaching My Due Date, My Dad Has Refused To Get Involved, I Have Tried Reaching Him To No Avail, I Dnt Know His Parents Or Their Address, Please I Need Advise On What To Do, Am 21, Stil In School And I Dont Have Any Work, Or Any Financial Assistance. I Dnt Want To Drop Out, My Cgpa Is 4.5 (first Class)

Having children is not a poverty alleviation program
Say no to having kids you cannot afford to give a good quality of life to
Say no to parental/societal/in law/partner pressures
You have nothing to prove by birthing a multitude of kids, even rabbits and pigs can do better than you so what's your point?

You should ask him why he made the statement and find out what inspired it. That is how you get to the root of the problem and figure out a solution

Do not try this at home

Tlion19:
My uncle married early this year & his wife is pregnant. But he keeps complaining to mum about these issues;
1. his wife doesn't let him touch her again.
2. Though the wife not a full option before marriage but now when she's now pregnant she develops curves that drives a man crazy and She avoids him like plague every time.
3. She complains a lot about unnecessary things.
4. Eats things not bargained for.
5. Worst NLs is that when she's beside him in bed she avoids him even when his junior gets up for thorough activities. When she turns her back on him in bed that sight alone is enough for him to grab her, but for where she will complain and start crying for no reason & my uncle will just leave her. He can't even kiss her.


Now NLs what can my uncle do because I heard him complaining to mum when he came visiting. What can my uncle give her to ease the pregnancy stress she's going through. I know how my uncle de those days Na dangerous guy. Abeg help him.

It sounds very much like you're the one needing help here. Go over your very graphic, descriptive essay again. Where do you get off talking about your in-law's sexuality like that?

"Full option, curves that drive a man crazy, sight alone is enough for him to grab her," etc, etc. There is something very perverted about your words, I just hope your Uncle is not leaving you at home with her because it does not seem like your thoughts are pure at all . Be careful, it sounds like you may be lusting after your Uncle's pregnant wife

marynPearl:
cant remember sending any

This is what I got, fine it was unintentional,I can ignore

marynPearl:
Sad!RIP

Sorry, cannot access email

The first question is " can I afford the maintenance?"
Buying a car you can't maintain can very easily lead you to the brink of financial ruin

stressedout:
pls nairalanders i am in deep mess right now. i have been living in my compound for 6 yrs now but due to some money issues i was evicted and my friend/fellow tenant was kind enough to take me in for the time being. It is him the wife and their small baby son that stays.

the problem started when the wife start complaining that am wasteful. i have never remained food they give me. from then they reduced quantity of food they give me and i dont complain.

Now just this morning am making tea and take 3 spoons of milk in her presence and all hell break loose. she starts shouting and call her husband that even them dont take more than 2 spoons. the man called me later and said it is time for us to part ways.

Am devastated now. i even used my last cash to buy a tin of milk for them. what do i do now? i have no where to go.

Humility is a virtue you should embrace. Your topic " ordinary" is a turn off. When somebody is giving you something they don't owe you, you don't get to dictate what is ordinary or not. If it were ordinary, you should have bought your own milk. The fact that you have a roof over your head after your eviction is due to their generosity and who knows how big the apartment is but still they invited you in.

If your hosts say an extra spoon of milk is too much to stomach and they are causing drama because of that, you have 2 options:

Start to buy your own food or contribute to feeding and hope they will allow you decide your own quantity of consumption
Leave their house

You don't get to decide what is ordinary in another person's house.

Sorry to intrude here, I am not pregnant and have not been in many many years.

The journey that led me here started with my checking the family section over the weekend and stumbling onto a post where someone was accused of tribal bigotry. As is often the case when a post piques my interest, I did a check of post history which led me to the diaries section and this thread. I spent quite a bit of time on that diary and I also flicked through Bennny's post history outside of diaries. I was worried about her yesterday when I checked her post history and that is how I landed here this evening.

The main reason why I am posting a comment is because of posts suggesting having an income can help you when you fall for an abusive man or help you escape the abuse. That is a very popular myth. I have known a number of abused women in my lifetime and every single one of them has an income. In fact, they have all been very well educated with very good jobs.

Anyone that has read Benny's diary can deduce very quickly that her husband is not loaded, quite the contrary as a matter of fact. I know stay at home Moms are not many in Naija as women have become convinced that it is some kind of servitude or victim position to turn a normal husband into an abusive one. In my years on Nland I have had cause, multiple times, to come out against such fables, when I see them. Your not having an income is not what turns your husband to an abuser. Your husband abuses you because he is an abuser. Abusers are predators, they pick their prey. Benny's profile, at least the online one I see, fits almost to a T what an abuser would look for. The fact that she's able to share some of his negatives with the outside world on a regular basis, is very atypical of that victim profile and that suggests to me she's a fighter and she can break the cycle. It has taken her time to voice out that he is physically abusive but if he has not been able to shut your mouth, you need to build very quickly on the strength that has helped you preserve your voice

I am Nigerian, married to a Nigerian man and I stayed home for years when our kids were young because my husband and I agreed together and it made sense. Everyone's family is different, it will never make sense in some families especially the economics of it. However, a lot of families still pull it off. It is for the sake of the latter group I am posting. Please do not start imagining your spouse turning into a beast because you are staying home. It doesn't work that way. The first rule is to know whom you are marrying and please, please, please, plan together as one unit. Staying home is very mathematical, amongst other factors, calculate whether or not it makes sense and make sure you are both in agreement. It is not a matter of compulsion.

Reading Benny's diary over the weekend, I could tell the abuse started a long time ago and reading several other posts, it was obvious she made several mistakes in the relationship, including getting pregnant multiple times for an unemployed graduate when she has no job herself, even when he already expressed the opinion that he did not want a child. Again I read non diary posts to sum up the picture. My people, romance without finance is VERY tough. Neither of the 2 parties is very mature and in the end, I am not sure how much thought and effort they put into planning and their union. If she got a million dollar job today, he would still be abusive towards her. He might love her in a way he understands but he does not respect her. Respect is a major pillar in any healthy marital relationships.

Benny, I don't blame you for everything, I sense there is a lot to your story stemming from your parents' home and I suspect a culmination of several events or non events have led you to the present state. I was very happy to read that your parents will welcome you back home. I think that is where you belong right now. I am not sure why you are waiting till month end, that does not sound like a good idea. I would think a baby should be able to make the trip but maybe I am under estimating the rigors of road travel from Lagos to the East.

Please, go and work on yourself before you consider any form of emotional entanglement with the same or another man. You need to clean yourself up emotionally and build your self esteem. You are made in God's image, a beautiful girl by any standards. You are worth a lot more than a punching bag. Your husband needs help too and I pray you both get it. I am not saying leave or don't leave your husband, that advice is beyond me but I am saying go back home, surround yourself with love on every side and rebuild. May God help you.

If there are no stay home Moms here, feel free to ignore my epistle. Once again, apologies for the intrusion and do excuse the length of my post. I cannot but advocate for the SAHM model because I have lived it and a lot of the people in my social circle have as well. Benny's main problem is an abusive husband, not her lack of a job. Even now, it is going to take a lot for her to leave him if that is what her head tells her to do. It goes beyond not having a job. Let us not confuse issues. Thank you.

P.S Apologies for any errors, I really suck at reading over

Wrong thread

Once upon a time in Nigeria, seems like a thousand years ago now, girls did not accept gifts from toasters they had no intention of dating. Each party knows the gifts are not just "from the goodness of his heart." A girl can argue that she didn't ask for the gifts but then, why are you accepting it/them? By accepting gifts (cash or kind), you are setting an expectation, wittingly or unwittingly.

I don't know if poverty/awoof mentality has taken over and basic dignifying behavior is no longer a consideration or if it is just upside down civilization that makes it okay to accept gifts from someone you don't want.

Gifts of underwear to boot! Can it get more intimate than that? The audacity! And this girl has no intention of going out with this person? She has not given any green light whatsoever to warrant this situation? And she didn't express any outrage to him?

I'm old school, I cannot understand. Wait for those that can rationalize this, I can't.