₦airaland Forum

I feel some irritation at some of these comments so forgive my tone if it sounds harsh.

In a normal marriage ( my definition - love for each other being the primary reason not procreation, not desperation, not money) you get to realize that your spouse is your firstborn. Your husband is your first child and your wife is your firstborn. With that foundation, things work out better. A firstborn helps with the younger children but still gets all the attention due him/her. Everyone likes attention and no one should be starved of it. If you are a Mom that needs help, pay for it if you have to. If your husband can provide sufficient help, then he should provide support. If neither of you can pay for needed help then suspend pregnancy till you can! If you need to stop having kids every year, do so!

For the vast majority of married men, a healthy, regular conjugal relationship is sufficient to cover feelings of neglect as long as you are fully mentally and physically engaged in the exercise and not responding with the enthusiasm of a log of wood. As you are creating time for the kids, create time for him on your schedule too.

This crazness of neglecting your husband because of the kids starts with breastfeeding your kids till they are 5 years old in the name of being a good mother.

You have 4 kids in quick succession and your body is laid to waste by the rigours of pregnancy as it gives up trying to recover from the rapid weight gain-weight loss cycle. Then you wonder why you don't feel sexually attractive any more and instead of paying attention to your body you are reduced to Broadway productions-type daily makeup sessions on your face while you buy bigger tent clothing to accommodate your neglected body.

You feel unattractive because you have leaking (breastmilk) breasts for 5 years so you avoid sex. How about stopping the breastfeeding at a reasonable age so that you don't spend the next 5 years in messy milk stained tops.

You can't do anything on the bed/room because the baby will wake up, please get on the floor or move to another room

If you can wear a top that provides easy access for the baby to breastfeed then you can wear lingerie that provides easy access to whatever your spouse needs.

Just because you had kids does not mean your spouse is now second class and does not mean the spousal relationship should be suspended. Your partner still has his needs and by the way, so do you! If you don't, then you have a problem that needs oiling and guess who you need for that oiling?

Having kids is not an excuse for either spouse to suffer neglect. Pay attention to the dynamics of your relationship as the kids come. Do not abandon your first love!

This post is not for everyone, it is for those in a normal marriage and who are interested in nurturing and growing that union. Happy new year!

eyinjuege:
Hmmmm, best job for a woman?

Being the wife of a billionaire...

Eureka!!!!

. . . . . . . .and I am not kidding either. It means you can eat all your cakes and have them all still, money never being an object. You can be a career woman, non career woman, socialite, philanthropist, most attentive Mom in the world, fittest, sexiest, most stylish wife, most gracious hostess. . . . . and the list goes on.

The concept of best job for a woman (the thread suggests wife and/or mother) is shallow, silly and fails to recognize that a woman has the right to aspire to different stations in life. Since when should women be restricted to certain choices? Any restrictions should ultimately be self imposed and in consultation (not compulsion) with her spouse.

solace2013:
Cynthia was my girlfriend at the university about 12 years ago. She parted ways with me when we were in 300 level because of a guy from her hometown who her parent wanted her to marry.
I haven't been hearing frequently from her since then. I learnt that they got married in 2008. On June 30 this year, she sent a friend request to me on Facebook which I excitedly accepted, as a girlfriend I haven't heard from in more than a decade. Within one week of chatting with me on Facebook messenger, she started telling story of woes, how her Hubby's business isn't working normally anymore, how she lost her banking job, how paying children school fees and feeding has been difficult etc. I have given assistance on two occasions (totalling 50k), but she have persisted in making financial demand. It's not that I'm too buoyant financially but I have been managing to be above waters. I'm confused and embarrassed sometimes when a supposedly married woman with kids would unashamedly ask for financial assistance from an ex, I intend to still assist one more time and after that no more, her pestering is becoming too much and nauseating, what do you think great guys in the house?

Do you have a wife, kids? If yes, then your focus should be on them and you should have your wife's permission for the assistance you are rendering.
If no, that's your answer - water your own land so that it will produce for you. Do not create an irrigation system in another man's land.
If you wish to continue the assistance then your spouse(s) have to be in the know and in agreement with what you are doing.

A woman who gets involved with a man from a place of disadvantage or some sort of inferiority risks getting entangled with such characters. It is so important to conduct yourself with dignity and self respect with your head held high from the beginning. Place value on yourself and live your life like one that has value.

Nothing, really and I am very thankful to God and men of God for that. I have heard so many sermons that simply leave me no room for thoughts like that.

Fear can be debilitating and cause you to miss on enjoying life

@vorpal
@cococandy

I went to Google and yes, it appears that whatever I read back then was inaccurate

mysticgal:
^^^^MMotimo
You are wrong there.
A wife cannot accuse her husband of rape and stealing especially if they are married under the Christian marriage, which means they were married in court or the church, mind you, this does not apply to couple married only traditionally. And the law of rape would only apply when they are separated or divorced

Actually, I am right . Why? Your argument is predicated on forceful sexual intercourse not being rape in Nigeria if the victim is a spouse because the activity does not meet the definition of rape in the Nigerian criminal code. Notice how I already clearly stated "if it meets the definition" I said that because I realize that different countries have different criminal codes. So, again, if it meets the definition in a certain gepgraphic region, then it is rape. If it doesn't, then it is not. I do not speak in absolutes about matters I am not sure of thus my language. If I had said it is rape in Nigeria, then I would have been wrong if it in fact does not meet the definition.

I do not have any other legal opinion about the references you provided (it would make for very awkward conversation with my husband's Nigerian lawyer friends) but I get that the references you provide support that it is not rape in Nigeria.

It is indeed sad that in the context of Nigerian law, (taking your references at face value), a sexual predator could get married and live out all his violent fantasies in the name of matrimony, repeatedly raping his wife because the law enables him. Makes you wonder why such archaic laws still exist in the 21 st century. Thankfully, in many other countries, the criminal code rightly recognizes such activity as rape.

Regardless of the relationship between the victim and the perpetrator, a crime is a crime if it meets the definition in the criminal code
If the sexual activity meets the definition of rape then it is rape, same way murder is murder even if the victim is the spouse

I once read somewhere that the Dad's genes determines a child's intelligence so if you're super smart, be grateful to your Dad

The person that needs it more
The person that can afford the maintenance of the vehicle

This girl does not need money nor assistance from anybody, her Mom can provide for her
What she needs is to humble herself, reconcile with her Mom, start to listen to the woman and commit to changing her ways
Despite everything, she is still living in her Mom's house - that says a lot about her Mom's kindness and generosity
All the talk about hunger and dying is most probably because she refuses to listen to her Mom yet lives in her house
I am a parent and I was once a child - the golden rule is when you live under your parents, you adjust your way of life (no matter your proclivities) and do as they say
Her problems include pride, stubbornness, feeling of entitlement, an easy lay, and really bad judgements - traits she continues to exhibit. How in the world would giving her money raid her of these things?
Giving her money tells her she has an alternative so that she does not have to listen to her Mom
2 babies out of wedlock? A girl that was sent to school abroad? I pity her poor Mom - colossal embarrassment plus disgrace
From what I have read, her Mom is not hard up for money to take care of her. All she wants is for her to behave
Her Mom that put her in beautician school is obviously able to fund any training she needs if she would just focus for a change
If she changes for the better, I doubt her Mom would insist she goes back to her abuser. She might be asking her to go back so that her home is not perceived as a brothel. She probably suspects that once she births the baby, it would only be a matter of time before another baby daddy enters the picture.
She has younger siblings, imagine the embarrassment those ones feel with their baby mama sister. Nobody from a decent home wants that experience.

The money from both partners is "our money" regardless of who makes more or less and each person has equal right to the pot
"And the two shall become one" in all things, including finances and possessions

Should couples operate joint accounts? Depends on whom you married
Ideally, they should but if you married a wakabout or a keeping up with the Joneses type or . . . . . (fill in the blank) that might be a bad idea

This is getting very serious. Is this what Naija gals are dealing with
People, please endeavor to show your sister, niece, daughter, goddaughter the good life before they get married
If she had been driving from her father's house, maybe she would not be facing this
Next thing, someone will ask if anyone in her family tree had ever bought a car before
Why in the world should anyone think it odd that a man would put his family's comfort ahead of his own?
Do people not know that being the head entails more sacrifices and discomfort to yourself as the head?
That is what leadership is about, it's often about serving not just being bossman
It's about volunteering for the hard choices so that your wife and kids don't have to

Flip flopping does not look good on the leadership, it erodes the people's confidence in your competence and that is NOT a good thing
Think it out and test the secenarios before you even dream of bringing it to life by implementing it

Even animals like goat, dog, etc run when they are under attack. It is called survival instinct. You, a human being are much more than these animals.

Many victims of domestic abuse did not think they could end up dead and may that not be your portion but why take chances with someone who is unrepentant and lands you in the hospital already?

omolayo1310:
pls i need an advice, my husband do beat at every misunderstanding, sometimes it lead me to been hospitalised as result of his beating, my parent have intervene so many times but no change, the last one he did, i report him to the police and he was and arrested and detained overnight and he was also forced to write an undertaking not to beat me again, i hope all will be fine after this, but i guess wrong as he still beat me last week saying, his not scared of going to sleep at the station, am tired i dnt know what to do, i dnt want my 3 kids to suffer,. i need advice, no insult pls.