₦airaland Forum

Sounds disgusting but I'm not one to judge a couple's freakiness with each other, we get our own too. Whatever works for them

tobiasbeecher:
What a write-up! I must say I gained one or two thing from what you wrote, Kudos! But we should endeavour to help when we have the means to help, some people are just wicked and selfish to help others. Once again, nice stuff.

"one or two things" is enough for me and makes the epistle worthwhile, thank you

I ignored this thread the first time I saw it but I feel compelled to say something.

I agree with lionessza. What is the point "managing/settling" when you know upfront you are not happy with her grammar and could become attratcted to someone else in the future. Poor English is not something you can cover up in a social setting unless she remains mute around other people. As for brushing up a graduate's English, the success rate is very low with that. We are products of our backgrounds, good grammar is very tough to master when you're already an adult, only few break through and for some reason, it seems to be harder for women than men.

It is unlikely she will ever be able to speak English at the level you desire so if you are marrying her, remove that from your list of expectations.

A common challenge for those based at home is an inability to accept that we are all responsible for our choices and our decisions. You birth children every year with 0 plan on raising them successfully from your own earnings. You go and buy a high maintenance vehicle because you got one big contract that is not likely to repeat, etc. Most Nigerians, including me, when I lived in Nigeria, had no concept of budgeting. You earned, you spent and if you are lucky, you saved some, invested some. If you came from a comfortable background, you always had that cushion at the back of your mind, that comfort that you had your parents/siblings to bail you out if you found yourself in financial difficulty.

Fast forward to living abroad. If you are smart, you finally figured out you need a budget for your needs, your wants, your dreams, vacations, retirement, children's education, tastes in fashion, cars, home, etc, etc so that you don't file bankruptcy. You learn to prioritize your spending and give up on wants you cannot afford. You mature into realizing that what you budget is what you earn, no one is going to send you money from Nigeria or anywhere else. That causes you to become more disciplined with your spending and you start to plan your expenses and savings accordingly.

Then someone contacts you that they need N425,000 for their kids' school fees in Naija. Your own kids are in public school here because that is what you can afford yet you are expected to find the money in your budget to dash someone who is living beyond their means and that person has a hard time understanding why you can't just send money to them after all you're earning dollars. It's as if since you're in a better environment, you should be guilt tripped into doing what they've asked, discarding your own plans. If I am driving a $1000 car, don't you think I might be saving up for a $3000 car? If my bag is Gucci, do you not realize me sef wants to carry Chanel one day? If I am living in a small 800 sq ft home, perhaps I'm dreaming of a 3000 sq footer and I'm saving for the downpayment. The examples are endless, you just really have to accept you have no claim to a person's income

Here, if you are responsible, you need a plan for university tuition for your kids - scholarships/grants, savings, etc because you know you won't be asking anybody back home to contribute to their tuition. Yet someone in Naija calls to say he needs x amount of naira for his Dad's 80 th birthday celebration or to replace shock absorbers on his X5 or because his wife lost her job after 10 years working in a bank ( what did she do with the money she made in 10 years)? Totally ignorant of the fact that your disposable income is pre-planned and you may have other uses for your discretionary spending than supporting a full grown man or woman. One child's hobby alone could be costing you thousands, are you supposed to forego that so you can send the money to full grown adults back home?

How about retirement plans? It was in the past you made your kids your retirement plan. Many Nigerians are seeing the folly of that now. 20/30/40 years ago they were having kids in the midst of lack, kids they could not give a good quality of life or the basics of a sound education, thinking these kids would bail them out of poverty when they grew up. Now, those kids grew up with reduced opportunities and started their own cycle of financial lack. A man that gave birth to 7 children cannot even count on 50 thousand naira a month in monthly stipend from all 7 combined but they were his retirement "plan." If you are wise, you are developing a plan to enjoy retirement and not suffer through it. Guess where the money is coming from for that retirement? You guessed it! The income you are making in your earning years! So that you can maintain your dignity and standard of living in your old age, not begging anyone for support. I know some people who had lots of children and were able to cater for them adequately but I know a lot more whose offspring carried on the cycle of lack and entitlement. If it's the only thing you gain from my epistle - please limit childbearing to the number of kids you can provide quality education and a quality standard of life for. Childbirth is NOT a poverty alleviation plan.

If nothing else, I'm grateful for the expansion and development in my mindset that living abroad has taught me. I depend on God and no one else, so I make sure my plans and spending follow "cut your coat according to your cloth." It is unfair to saddle someone else with your dreams and aspirations if they have not made a commitment to fund them. Just because they are doing better does not meet they've realized all their dreams or don't have aspirations that involve the money you are banking on. If they were like you, they would constantly be begging everyone around them that was doing better for money.

I believe in God and I believe in prayer, cast your burdens on God not man and be prudent in your choices and decisions. God does answer prayers.

.

Whatever you do, new girl or old girl, stop the two timing. They may each know about the other and not be interested in making concessions to a guy that has created "options" for himself afterall what is to say you will change your ways even after marriage as you look for diiferent attributes from different girls.

No partner is perfect so get used to prioritizing what you want in a girl and settling for that while managing her inadequacies - it's called contentment.

gare2510:
My wife and I got married two yes ago, bless with two kids(twins), we are quite comfortable at least we can feed well and plan for other needs. Early in the marriage I noticed she was the rude type a trait that was not visible before marriage. Her niece stayed with us early in the marriage to help out but most times I come from work the sitting room is very dirty if I complain she gets angry and vent. I am the quiet type and has sworn never to hit my wife. I complained when I noticed she was allowing her niece (18) come to clean our bedroom, she concluded and said I dont see anything good in her family, her mother is late never stayed with her dad. She doesn't have a good relationship with him step mum so i complained to my mum who is my church's head of marriage community she spoke to her alone and later with both of us, thought that will help but turned out worse. She told her niece to leave since she felt I didn't like her, she is left only with the twins which is hectic have suggested a helper who comes in the mornings and leave by evening she refused now so many things suffer. Currently she has not been speaking to me because I asked her why she left a kettle we use for food in the toilet, not like I can't take it back but it has turned to a habit. Really tired of the whole scenario don't want to do anything that frustrate the Grace of God in my life. Need your advice, help me see things from different perspective. Sorry for the length just had to let it out

Look at all the faults you've listed and go into problem-solving mode to see the ones you can handle. To be brutally frank, if coming home to an untidy house bothered you so much, you would have found a solution to that by noe - either by doing it yourself or by insisting on outside help. It's very strange for a mother of young twins to refuse help, are you sure there isn't more to her objection? If my husband returns home from work and his kids have left their socks and school backpacks lying around, he takes them to the laundry/bedrooms himself because his brain cannot settle with such sights, he can't even seat at the dining table to eat because it bothers him so much whereas I can walk past it, cook and eat happily until I scream for them to deal with it. That is what I mean by you would have found a solution if it bothered you so much. In the end, communication works best, it is a required skill in marital relationships, not optional, you can't give up on it if you want to have a happy marriage.

As for tunrning to singlehood, not sure where that comment came from? I'll assume it was just venting because there is no correlation. Who will help you carry your kaya of wife and kids?

Ese ibi ti e ti beere
E se ibi ti e ba de
Adupe o, Jesu, ibi ti e mu wa lo

ireneblush:
I have a very good relationship with my sister, we discuss so many things freely, she's 3years older than me. please can you tell me how to start the conversation if you are in my shoes. just tell me how I will explain it to her. Note she's hypertensive. am waiting to hear from you, I need to free my mind.

Because she is hypertensive, the issue has to be handled even more delicately but all the more reason why she needs to know because it would be worse for her to find out after the wedding. Most people with well managed high blood pressure (on regular, effective medication) will not drop dead because of bad news. I'm not sure how bad her blood pressure is and since I expect you both to be young ladies, I will presume that her BP is well managed. My comments below are based on that presumption. If it is not well managed, then I would recommend, against my better judgment, that you inform your parents.

When delivering bad news, I try to set the expectation, eg " Something really bad happened. I have to tell you because you are my sister, I love you, and if the tables were turned, I would expect you to do the same." Most people automatically think the worst so the actual news is not as earth shattering as it would ordinarily sound.

Narrate the incident to her and immediately make it clear that you will support whatever decision she decides on - leave or stay. It is very important to make sure she understands this is all about her, not about you. Your informing her is not to exact revenge on the guy. You are telling her because she deserves to know and because you would expect the same from her if the tables were turned.

You should emphasize that you are not asking her to stay or leave, that is her decision alone. It cannot be a shared burden because you will still go on to live your own life. Let it not be that if she leaves, God forbid, 10 years down the road, there would be bitterness because "you chased away her fiance and here you are, enjoying your own husband and kids" That is why it's so important she takes responsibility for whatever she decides because she cannot come back and lay it on you in the future.

Bottomline is women marry cheating men everyday, he's not the first and he won't be the last. She may weigh the pros and cons and decide to go ahead with the wedding - that is her perogative and you'll have to respect her decision while managing your own relationship with the guy. The important thing is you did the right thing.

From your account, the guy was pretty decent. Maybe he was intoxicated, desperate, just demonstrating bad judgement. . . . and maybe not. Frankly, I don't think any excuse is good enough you probably agree with me but it's still not your place to decide what happens now. If she decides to keep him, let her know she can trust you not to tell another soul, respect her privacy and dignity. That way, she's not wondering who else knows and that is not playing into her decision. Because of the 7 year old relationship in the past, she might be more accommodating of this behavior, be prepared for that.

If, after everything you tell her, she insists on getting your advice on what to do; do some serious soul searching and tell her what you would do if you were her in every sense (health, age, prospects, set wedding date, past relationships, looks, etc).

Lastly, have no guilt about this situation. It is not your fault the guy forgot his commitment and behaved like a billy goat, the hypertension is not your fault, the 7 year relationship is not your fault, expecting decent behavior from an inlaw-to-be is not unreasonable. You are only playing the hand you have been dealt. For the kind of relationship you have with your sister, you owe it to her to at least notify her.

If you're debating telling your sister then the question is "what is your relationship with her like? What kind of person is she? Is she rational?" Would she think you seduced her fiance? Would she believe you are lying?

This story is like the movies, I expect a man like this would make the househelp his bedmate too. What if he brings your sister HIV through his wandering? Could you live with yourself afterwards? Or does your sister already suspect/know he's a philanderer and you just don't want to be the one to confirm it Or does your sister just want him as a sperm donor she can kick out later if she finds out he's cheating? In which case maybe it makes no difference whether you tell her or not at this point?

Assuming you and your sis have a normal, loving relationship and her plan is to live happily ever after in holy matrimony, the right thing to do is to tell the owner of the matter - your sister and no one else, not even your parents. If she is old enough to pursue marriage, I daresay she is old enough to decide what to do. Whether she leaves or stays should be her decision, not yours and not your parents. What if you tell them and they convince her to stay against her better judgement because the guy comes to feign repentance and they want to avoid the "disgrace" of a cancelled wedding date? What if you don't tell, the guy goes to tell her you tried to seduce him or what if he keeps trying to sleep with you even after the wedding?

The God that turns our mountains to valleys
You are worthy to be praised and trusted
Your wird does not return to you void but it accomplishes what you will
Thank you, your plans for us are to prosper us
Alleluia be to your holy name forevermore. Amen.

Either one is right, it is whatever works for your union. I am the cook and 90% of the time, I decide the menu but I try as much as possible to ensure variety. If I get a request for something in particular, I try to make it at the earliest, convenient, opportunity.

Thank you, Omolara, for taking your life back from a batterer. Women are not goats

EUREKA!!!!!! I have found her! I was beginning to think all Naija girls just sat down in submission to battering. Domestic violence has now become an epidemic, I have read a few threads tonight alone. When did Naija women become docile punching bags, embracing victimhood like a cloak. Whatever will make you endure battering, please avoid it. It may be marrying someone younger, less educated, less money, less fine, less polished, etc. Whatever it is! Do not marry a man that you can't speak to and do not marry a man that would casually raise his hand against you as if you are chattel. Nigerian women, descendants of Tinubu, Idia, Emotan, Kuti, Amina, Moremi and all the amazons that have gone before, please take back your place. Say no to domestic violence. If your father from whose loins you came did not batter you, pray, why should any man? If he tries it, give him something to remember you by, even if it is a quick jab with your stiletto heel or car keys. Even animals will attack you if you are intent on harming them, ask any mosquito.

Ok, the above was not my church mind. My church mind says go with bukatyne's sermon but seriously, I applaud leyo for taking a stand against her husband's acts. Church mind says 2 wrongs don't make a right but hmmmmmm I'm concerned at the way DV is all,over social media. May God calm the storm for you and may your relationship heal and blossom. I think your husband would now think twice about raising his hand against you. We teach people how to treat us. Reject nonsense at its infancy.

You must be as bad as I am

pimpimpim:
My fellow nairalanders, I have decided to come to you before my situation runs out of control.
I have been jobless for years and I am struggling and battling with this hard time.
In short, life hasn't been easy with me. Especially with a baby to cater for.
As a nursing mother, I have decided to run to my fellow nairalnders for assistance in getting a job.
I am a graduate. I have applied for several jobs most especially on nairaland, all to no avail.
All I need is job that will take care of my situation. I am sure that with God and my good people on this forum, there is hope.
Please, you reach me via these mediums;
Phone number: 08064650537
or 08169066914
Email: akinsanyatitilola@gmail.com

cc: lalasticlacla
cc: mynd44
cc: seun

Moderators, kindly help move it to front page!

I'm dying!

Jobless for years yet a nursing mother? Is that really fair to the child?
It is one thing to suffer by yourself, to add an innocent child to the experience is terrible. For the sake of that child, I pray you find help but you should seriously consider suspending future pregnancies until you are financially capable.

nowwhat:
My h and are are back together after many years apart. He got work in my area and has moved back. He treats me respectfully and kindly but I cannot understand why he treats our 10 year old son so roughly. You'd think after missing out on most of his growing up he'd want to play with him, build him up, praise him. But after less than a week here he only seems to be criticizing him, calling him a spoiled brat, coconut head, bully etc.
Our son is only 10, usually very behaved, and he can hardly feel comfortable sitting to eat at the table with his dad. He spills rice accidentally, and our son is quickly trying to pick it up, but his dad is yelling for this, for any noise of the fork on the dish etc. Our son tried to explain he didn't be clumsy on purpose, but his dad won't let him talk, sends him out the door in socks in the winter (snow) then he comes in and shoves him in his room. His dad keeps calling him a baby, telling him to drink warm milk etc.. He yells if our son takes 5 seconds too long to go get something.
At night he tells he he wishes his dad would go.
What can I do to help this situation?
My h doesn't take well to criticism especially about parenting, and says I should never interfere with how he wants to do it. I feel like my hands are tied. I want this all to work out. Please advise, am I worried over nothing? Over time I feel our son is going to resent his father, and being called names all the time will wear his confidence in himself down.

It sounds like your son is being abused relentlessly right before your eyes and you don't know what to do? Are you seriously going to wait for your son or someone else to report to social services before your husband damages him permanently? Hurt people hurt people, you are messing up the child's outlook on life. If you've managed to raise him right without his Dad, are you going to watch him destroy what took you 10 years to build?

Your hands are not tied because you "want all this to work out." Your condition should be for things to work out without sacrificing your son's wellbeing in the process and you should be making that clear to your husband. If he cannot stop abusing his son and you have become complicit, it is only a matter of time until things fall apart.

Start by telling your husband enough is enough or you'll call social services.

All that making him go out in the snow wearing only socks? I wish you had neighbors who could report you both


*modified* I went through your past posts and I think you should have worked on yourself properly first before trying to re-establish the marital relationship. It seems like you are no more capable of protecting yourself againgst your husband's misbehavior than a 10 year old is. With no malice, I'd say you are a weak woman prone to be prey for an abusive man and frankly, I don't think you have what it takes to be in a healthy relationship with this man at this point in yours and your son's life.

You should seek a psychologist and get yourself straightened out first before you even contemplate setting up with this guy. Note that seeing a psychologist does not necessarily mean the verdict would be to go back to him. Sometimes, what you want is bad for you and you should know when to let go. If you get help and you can handle being a relationship with him without losing yourself. . . . . . all the best.

This is beyond just you, think of those 2 kids and make sure they don't suffer any more collateral damage because of your choices. I could say a few words about your husband's character but you already know who and what he is.

@ Topic

I am Yoruba. I don't think I can do justice to this subject, I know so little and would have to do some research.

I can talk about earning power though. I don't think my paternal grandmother ever worked a day in her life. She was married to a polygamist but they had paid help and he provided everything for his wives and kids till he died.

On my maternal side, going back to my great-grandmother, they earned and spent money independent of their husbands.