₦airaland Forum

@ innovestor

Is it possible she's gained or lost a lot of weight? There are women who lose confidence in their own sexiness when either of this happens, especially the former. For women like that, if they do not see themselves as sexy, irrespective of how you perceive them, libido takes a beating.

Are you/have you made comments about how fat or skinny she has become? Comments about eating like a cow, looking like a whale? Even in jest? To most modern women, body image is a very important (touchy?) subject and if your wife's self esteem cannot handle it, negative comments could easily be the culprit even if she does not admit it to you.

Also, note that excess body weight, even if far from obesity, can cause real pains in a woman's body so the excuses may be real.

Alhaji S, thank you for your response. Ordinarily, I would not come back to respond (I write too much as it is ) but it would look disrespectful since I know you are not my mate and I was raised better.

No one can dip hands in n3xt's pocket to bring out money owed and I do not expect you to. I would be very surprised if he even has current savings (liquid or illiquid) anywhere close to the amounts he owes. Why? Because a man that is perpetually stealing is living beyond his means and would perpetually lack. He first of all has to work on the feelings of personal inadequacies he experiences which he tries to satisfy with a big lifestyle he cannot afford. It is a vicious cycle, the more you steal, the more you lack, the more you crave and the more you steal . . . . that is the cycle right there. It is how the forces of darkness destroy.. . . . . . ask Bernie Madoff.

Everyone, "oju lo n ri oju saanu" meaning let us be sensitive to the plight of the victims and respect their pain by thinking deeply before we post. Better still, just don't post if you have nothing reasonable to say. Even if you cannot refund their money nor apprehend brabus, remember that "eni l'ari, ko si eda ti o mo ola" (nobody knows tomorrow). If you cannot help, do not add to their pain with careless utterances lest a greater evil befall you.

Alhaji, I reiterate that we cannot banish victims' complaints from this thread while allowing their oppressor to post unfettered. That would be unconscionable. If n3xt continues to post here, his victims should be allowed to have their say here. Thank you

To all my mentions, thanks for your comments.

Brag3
Neophytemason
Ahonahoi
Babalose
Vimo3
3strikes
Qc1
Maverick
Jaydacorsair


What do all these people have in common? The above are the known ones who have overcome their embarrassment at being duped and have taken the bold step to come out despite being ridiculed by others. I am certain there are a lot more on and off Nland. The ones up there are the tales we have heard, clients of n3xt / brabus.

It is easy to say "let's move on" afterall you and I have not lost money to him. Let's move on but leave him to post here so that we can benefit from his internet searches and photos from other Builders' sites. For those in the diaspora who may not know, getting photos from a site in Naija is really as simple as walking on there to take photos with or without greasing palms. As long as the real builder is not on Nland to raise dust, the audience still believes they are looking at photos from the fraudster's projects.

I am embarrassed for the many gentlemen on this site who are professionals in their fields and maintain a gentleman mien in their different locations abroad but are very comfortable fraternizing with a confirmed criminal element. So, a group of men hang out together in a beer parlour (this thread) and award building contracts to someone in their midst who presents himself as a Builder (n3xt / brabus ). He goes and robs their homes but still comes back to hang out at the beer parlour with victims and non victims alike. The victims keep making noise but the non victims tell them to keep quiet and let the faaji continue, afterall the beer parlor is not a police station. Decent men would tell the fraudster in their midst that he is no longer welcome until he at least apologizes to all victims and refund all monies but you see the very typical selfish behavior exhibited here over and over again.

This beer parlor is where he lays his traps and lies in wait, exactly as someone said up there. But it makes more sense to the selfish brethren to ban victims from here to another thread far from this one, another thread with less than 30 posts in 2 months and leave brabus to continue with his trade here. Let's just pretend victims have no right to be hurting even though none of us would willingly gift millions of naira to a criminal.

Alhaji S. I noticed everyone is unwilling to call you out on this issue so I will. Why? Because I am Yoruba like you and I have no alliances nor have I obtained any favors from Builders or clients. My conscience is clear. No offence to any other tribes but I speak of what I know. To whom much is given (respect in this section), much is expected. Maybe I simply missed where you have asked Brabus to stop posting on your thread until he does the right thing but I don't think so. I have noticed your requests though that the victims go to other threads created by yourself and n3xt to air their complaints. Very interesting! The fraudster is free to post here and ignore victims but not victims? S-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y? ? ? You have been named an elder here and would appear to be the most elderly on this thread but what kind of elder refuses to voice out against repeated injustices? Because the victims have not obtained court judgements against him? Because their allegations have "not been proven in court?" Unlike folks like eghosajohnny who can be summarily condemned? Alhaji S, what would the Naija community in NY think of your silence and deflection in the face of what is going on here? Rhetorical question only, no response needed.

Here is where I remind all those who are members of professional bodies of ethical obligations when posting here. Nland is not out of the reach of ethical standards you have sworn to uphold. If you work for a large organization, this is also the time to go check your employer's social media policy so that you will be guided when you post. Even with using non work devices to post on Nland, you can be fired for behavior and utterances that are untoward and which your employer considers indicting.

The bible says "be ye not partakers of other men's evil." A man reaps what he sows. For actively encouraging a fraudster and shouting to quiet his victims so that you can receive advice for your builds, do you not know you will reap what you have sown? Same people are surprised when others not named brabus rip them off. There are many n3xts in the building industry and each enabler of fraud will find his own tormentor. It's really as simple as that, just stating a fact of life. The only difference is that the fraudster that cleans you out may not even have presentation skills anywhere as good as n3xt. Some of the people building homes in Naija are only one brabus /n3xt builder/supplier away from bankruptcy. How many of you can afford to lose colossal amounts of money to n3xt without declaring bankruptcy? ?

N1.7 million missing on neophyte's Ile Oluji thread, N1.5 million on vimo3's site, major rework done on their builds by other victims, running into millions of naira. Everybody facing cost overruns because of one man's greed. Truth is wherever there is money, thieves abound. It's like bees and honey. Potential loot is a couple of millions on an average one storey building so the stakes are high. Why do you think n3xt is always here pushing plagiarized innovations and answering questions before the next victim or n3xt establishes email/phone/text contact? If he was able to recruit new clients on his threads, do you think he would be posting here?

From what I have seen, N3xt has an established pattern of premeditated large scale fraud. In saner climes, he should have had court judgements ruin him into bankruptcy by now because there is ample evidence to back litigation. In Nigeria, it is easy to tell victims to go to court aka waste some more money on a nefarious character but we all know how the system works. I'm yet to hear n3xt refunded anyone's money in full so I am not expecting to hear of any refunds. Career criminals never make any headway because they will never enjoy contentment or peace of mind. Building a house in the village cannot buy that, stealing millions cannot buy it, all the money in the world cannot buy it either. Look inwards, look around you and ask yourself if you are truly happy. You cannot be because awon apanilekunjaiye do not experience peace of mind nor happiness. The self destructive behavioor keeps pushing for more and more and it is never enough

From what I have seen here, N3xt is a sociopath, unfeeling, lacking a conscience, and totally unrepentant. What will be his end? Your guess is as good as mine.

For anyone still considering giving him a chance knowing all that he has done, you are free to but do not expect an about turn. A decent man would consider the disgrace he has suffered and seek to redeem himself when given another opportunity and prove his "haters" wrong. The forces driving n3xt do not push him into that line of thinking.

@ Omotakins

I forgot to mention that not long after, we changed daycares and the change from no talking to talking was instantaneous. We always asked our kid the reason for the silence at daycare but we never got any real response. It was basically "no reason" so I guess it was just hard for the toddler to articulate a response.

I hope things have been resolved for the better.

Sounds more like "Career before kids or kids before career" Without kids, only a husband, you could easily focus on your career 100%.

The article has a lot of moving parts to it . To keep it simple and short, I'll just focus on the thread title and speak about my experience. Frankly, I think there are too many articles about too many real life issues but maybe I'm just cynical

I prefer that a woman start a career before kids because for most of us, that second income will be needed by the couple in the early years of marriage plus you the natural progression is to make your freshly minted degree deposit money in your pocket. I have no comfort with bringing kids into the world if you cannot afford to take care of them. After kid(s) she can then decide what becomes a higher priority. For me, like most folks, I was bent on finishing school and then establishing a career, going all the way to the top and making loads of money. I still felt that way after our first child but with each subsequent pregnancy came a desire to focus more on raising those kids without the help of nannies/professional child minders.

I thank God that it didn't take me long to realize that making more and more money and being saddled with more and more work ( I work for capitalists) is not all there is to life especially if you can design your life to be comfortable with lesser income. For most people, a career is simply a means to an end - money, sometimes even prestige. I think if more people paused to really think about it, they might be surprised at what they discover on the inside. For us, we felt that someone needed to focus on raising the kids and being the lower earner, it only made sense that I step up plus if your job is not your biggest passion, it is easy to relegate it.

Fortunately, I have had no cause for regret because the kids continue to make us proud at every turn. Still engaged in my career but each career step is carefully considered with the kids as a priority. Any role/responsibility that would interfere with the time I need for them is not pursued, it is as simple as that. Will that change? Maybe, maybe not. I suspect any spare time I have once the kids are all grown up would be dedicated to volunteer work rather than making more money and paying more taxes.

For now, I'm doing laid back career and I'm doing full force kids. One is for the money (if I wasn't getting paid, I would not be there) with a schedule that is designed around our kids (God bless my employer) and the second is for a host of reasons like being available to help them explore their talents, making sure they are under my care and supervision when not in school, being their driver, having the time to gist and share stories, etc. Doing all these comes with a lot of time commitment which I would not have if I placed my career first. I believe without a doubt that our kids will do great things and impact their generation. Yes, all mothers believe that, I know but I am convinced enough that my career is secondary to helping them be all that they were meant to be because I see a lot of potential that would disappear if there was no parent to provide guaranteed support at all times.

If we didn't need my income, there are other things that I would do voluntarily without pay and those would be my career path. I'm not complaining though because most of us will live our lives pursuing career paths with limited passion just so we can make money to pay the bills, c'est la vie! I am just grateful that I identified what is more important to me early on and can enjoy, to some degree, the best of both worlds (including a stay home stint when the kids were younger).

Above is my personal experience but I also have a friend who stayed home for many years to raise her kids and regrets it; not because of any financial concerns but because she feels like she should not have taken all that time off just to raise kids. She's been back to work for a few years now and is like a work ninja now. Obviously, she doesn't feel the way I do.

To round up my epistle, I think family finances will have the greatest inpact on what a woman decides. If you cannot afford to put kids before career then you should not. As a young bride, career was all important mainly to make money and for prestige. At this stage of my life, just watching our kids blaze trails and gain recognition is more than that. I have been working since the 90s, same with my spouse so even with career in second place for me, I make enough and at a high enough rate of pay (due to experience) that the household finances do not suffer. The same is unlikely for a young Mom in the early days of her career. You pop out the child then resume back to work in the shortest possible time.

Omotakins:
My son(almost 4yrs) is in the reception class. He doesn't respond to teachings at school, doesn't talk or play. This is the exact opposite at home. Plays very well at home, sings and talks about all he's taught in the school. He responds very well to the teachings of his home teacher. His teacher in school is saying he will repeat class 'cos there is nothing to show he's learnt things. What do I do? Teachers, educators and Co, ur help is needed pls.

Now I know you must be the reason why I came to Nland today, God wanted me to share our firsthand experience as parents with you.

One of our kids who is now a teenager was exactly like your son at that age. Went to daycare and would not speak while there but came home and talked and played and recited all learnings. Actually knew a lot more than taught in class. At a point, the day care director asked to see us because the staff were very concerned at the silence everytime. We told them all was well and they left it at that. Fortunately, in this part of the world, there is no threat of "no promotion" which by the way is just nonsense but that's another topic.

With no exaggeration whatsoever, I say that same child has always been at the top of their class, kind hearted, loved by every single teacher, outstandingly achieves in every undertaking, opens doors for us wherever we go (once people realize we are XYZ's parents, they bend over backwards to accommodate us), genius level smart (with multiple IQ and school test results to confirm). I am not joking when I say that sometimes I feel intimidated by the weight of the responsibility of raising a child who is so outstandingly briliant. These kinds of kids may never become chatter boxes but they are deep thinkers and you will come to realize that. Some of us talk a lot but that does not translate into high intelligence.

You MUST be an advocate for your defenceless child and don't let any teacher or proprietor bully you with threats. If they doubt the child's abilities, why not test him? Is he failing in school? And if he is, maybe it's just due to fear of his teachers or a lack of comfort with the class environment. I shudder at the thought of what they could be putting him through in their ignorance, I hope they are not spanking him

I pray that a time will come when seasoned, sound educators will run Nigeria's early childhood education programs so that they don't try to force developing kids into cookie cutter boxes that their limited exposure can comprehend. It's preposterous that they are considering having a toddler repeat a non class because the child is not like the others.

God has given you that child for a reason, you have a responsibility to stand up and defend him with all your might. If it means changing schools, do just that.

On behalf of the silent majority, the readers who try to keep up with this thread when they come to Nland but do not comment, I say thank you to the gentlemen, awon ore aje, who have taken it upon themselves to protect people they do not know from one man's fraudulent hustle. There is nothing about this brabus to suggest he does not know what he did, all you have to hear is the way he derides his customers with comments suggesting they could not afford financing to do something in one way or another. That is very typical of fraudsters, they try to shame you with nonsense that implies you don't have money, just because you are mindful of how you spend money you worked for. Awon ota aje , enemies of enterprise.

To every gentleman/family that lost money through association with this character, greet your wives well and hold her close. The fact that you are still married after losing so much money to this character is a testimony to the love your wife has for you, you know Naija women no dey play like dat

By the way it does not matter whether someone spent N27 million or N27000, anyone who works (not talking fraudsters aka hustlers with no visible means of income) for their money, you can tell from their speech. Reason why cultured gentlemen are careful who they let into their inner circle. Everyone comes on the internet, who knows the "work" of each person's hands. Because someone makes a living does not mean it's honest living.

All it takes for evil to flourish is for good people to keep quiet and watch evil repeat itself again and again in perpetuity because they don't want to "keep talking about the past" What hogwash! The only person that ever tried to defraud me (he almost succeeded), I still talked about him this year and that attempt is close to 10 years ago. An unrepentant brabus has not even pretended to be contrite and folks are shouting "leave him alone." That is how we Nigerians do yeye big boy, pretending we can afford to lose money we worked hard for. If you have excess money, give it to charity and get a tax receipt or give it to strangers/relatives, not to incorrigible fraudsters, keeping the "ota aje" enterprise alive.

God bless all you merry gentlemen standing up for something and may there never be another victim. The character finds his prey here, that is why he shamelessly refuses to stop posting, valiantly trying to find new prey. Thank God for men who have taken a stand to stop evil from regenerating perpetually.

I remember the ahonahoi scandal very clearly, that young man was his first Nland victim, I think. Same way some people were dancing around with excuses for brabus at the time. It is now what? 5 yrs after? modus operandi has probably not changed much but the "let him be" crowd still abound with their drums. Same way they kept making excuses for the inspired guy until the guy finally stopped pursuing prey here but not before a N2 million+ naira "hustle" was completed on a victim, no money, no car, don't know if she ever got restitution or not.

I had to step out to say something after reading the misleading, apologist comments. . . . . . and yes, get it all in writing and yes, we the onlookers are happy to see the conversations that cannot be disputed by brabus in any credible manner. Anyone that loves transparency is not afraid to put things in writing, it is the mischievous that often prefer to leave no records.

Chiomaabigail

The girl might be a kid with special needs/mentally challenged/slow learner/ADD and any number of challenges. Sometimes, these kids are simply not mentally equipped to deal with the chores/instructions you are given them, even when they look physically able. In a civilized society, she would have access to testing to determine what is wrong, if anything.

If you can't even begin to help with diagnosis and/ or treatment, best to let her go to her family. May God send her a helper. And if she is truly just being difficult, same solution - return her to her home. Maybe she simply does not want to live with you and it should not be by force.

You have a lot of anger that comes from something(s) much deeper happening in your life. Resolve the situation(s) and the anger before you hurt yourself or someone else very badly

Oro re, iye ni
Oro re, iwosan ni o
Je ki oro re le ma gbenu mi
Ki'n le se rere

Glory be to the I am that I am
The One who was, who is, and is to come
The unchanging God who is the same yesterday, today and forever
The one who is able to do abundantly more than we can think or imagine
Iba re, Olorun Oba, the only living God

Dear God in heaven, we pray the breakthrough comes quickly, please help our country and support Buhari for the turnaround we hunger for . . . . . amen.

expansion1:
Morning All, should a woman be in search of employment when the husband doesn't consent to her working. even though she was asked to resign her previous job due to some important needs.

How do you, yourself, feel about those "important reasons?" This is a topic for husband and wife

@ luccicoutore

You seem like one who has been so thoroughly beaten down and has given up.


Methinks you really just have 2 options here - life or death. Or are the beatings not that bad? If you go back to your family, at least you would not have the threat of death hanging over you. The fact that you would even entertain staying in this man's house with the beatings is very sad.

Every human is born with a survival instinct, it is what makes us fight for breath when we feel like we are drowning. It is what makes us gasp for breath when we are losing oxygen. It is the most badic, most fundamental aspect of what makes us humans, don't allow your husband take that away from you. Even babies have it and lower mammals have this instinct. Even mosquitoes run away from threat of death. A lot has been stripped from you already, don't give this up .

No matter how poor your Mom is, her wellbeing would be a lot worse if God forbid, you lost your life or heath to the suffering you are going through. If you cannot act for yourself, then act because of the innocent baby you have been entrusted with. That child deserves a Mom that will fight

@ edwife, sorry to single you out but I sensed your frustration when you said you were tired of "repeating the same thing." Please, be not be weary in well doing, somebody out there will be uplifted by your stance and encouragement.

The SHM topic was very popular here circa 2013. Many find it very intriguing because it delves into sensitive facets like money and trust. The key is to understand where the apathy is coming from, what experiences, what realities are being reflected in the statements of those who make derogatory comments about it. In the end we are products and sometimes victims of our upbringing, our experiences, and the experiences of others. When you do a thorough analysis, you realize there is no need to get into an argument about it.

Start with women who have actually experienced being SHMs and what their experiences have been like.

Was it good or was it bad? If you've done it and it was bad, makes sense your perception would be negative

What is the economics of their family background? Parents and/or neighbors who (currently or in the past) fought over a lack of financial resources? Abusive husband and Dad with Mom being the only one who took care of them (thank God she wasn't a SHM)

Were the daughters of the family raised to consider themselves as good as the sons or were they treated as inferior? This can translate into the future matrimonial relationship and a fight for relevance thst is largely based on economic status

What is the psychological makeup? What is her perception of her value if she is not earning? A feeling of being useless to self and society?

Was the role thrust upon them by circumstances? Unable to find employment? Getting pregnant and rushing into marriage with no job?

Was it a joint decision with both parties agreeing it's right for their family or one person compelling the other to accept?

Do they have joint accounts? Is it her money, his money or our money?

What is the level of unity of purpose in the union? Does each do his/her own thing or do they work together for the common good?

What kind of girlfriend were they before the marriage? Were they chosen as the lesser of 5 evil other girls? were they chosen because they were first to get pregnant out of a harem of multiple chics? Were they their husband's first choice or just manageable seconds?

Are they supporting relatives that depend on them for survival? If they are not working, what would be the lot of those relatives?

How does the husband perceive the wife's extended family? Beggars? Traders who sold their daughter to him and want to continue "milking him" if she's not working?

Can their husbands trust them with money? Or is he constantly wondering if he should hire an Accountant to do an audit

Are they married to controlling men? Someone who says you must never spend more than $Bleep /xxon a pair of shoes or on your hair "because I say so?"

Are they married to cheating husbands with multiple side chics he's financing with his income?

Are they philandering wives themselves? Could their husbands trust them to keep out of mischief if they stayed home?

What is the real, nakeddddd, relationship they have with their spouse? What is the level of trust? Is the other party even trustworthy at all? How secure are they in the stability of their relationship? Threat of things falling apart constantly hovering?

What is the reason why they are staying home? Just so they can act like billionaire wives? Because their passion is in volunteering in a different field from their qualifications? Young kids? High profile social standing resulting in engagements that cannot be managed with a 9-5 job?

Why did they marry the partner? Due to a gold digging mindset, desperation because of the onset of age, or genuiune love for the other person?

Many more but I will stop there. Suffice to say one factor by itself would not be enough to make conclusions. When they start to add up though, a picture starts to develop.

Many women marry their abusers and stay tightly married even as they earn income and even with the threat of death hanging over them. That kind of resilience is a sickness that devastates all over the world, whether it is in Naija where they behave like there is no relative that will take them in or whether it is Oyinbo land where shelters exist to keep them safe but they leave and move back in with their abusers.


A few years ago, a female lawyer poster, (briefer?) had a lot of posts rabidly against SHM. Imagine my shock the day she openly said she discussed her staying home with her husband and he said no. I challenged her on it, the post is somewhere in my history. So, the same person who did not see any good reason why a wife should stay home had discussed becoming one with her husband

Another time, an older woman here (something baby) with the same propaganda against SHM was saying how no one should do joint account with their spouse. I told her my husband and I run our accounts jointly and her response implied I did not really like the idea, I was just doing it I did what I do best, I ignored, it was obvious the notion is over her head.

Some time after that post, I stumbled on a thread where she talked about being a SHM earlier in her marriage and one day, she asked her husband to buy her sanitary towels on his way back home. He said some very unkind words to her that left her feeling like nothing. So, what do you expect from the lips of a woman that suffered such humiliation at the hands of the one that should cherish her?

The same poster said she does not know the value of her husband's life insurance policy because he keeps it a secret and also implied the family home is only in the husband's name and he alone pays the mortgage even though she works now. You start to get an idea of the marriage arrangement and you begin to get an idea of the place the person is speaking from.

So, anyone with a good man, coming on here to feed on other people's realities is not doing herself a favor.

I was a SHM after we had our youngest because it worked for our family in so many ways and once upon a time, it was affordable. The first question before any of the ones I listed above is if it is an affordable choice? The vast majority of women who shame other women will answer "no." So, if it is not even an option, I'm always befuddled at how much energy goes into disparaging it. That is like me going back and forth with an argument over the effect of Hermes Birkin bags on the crocodile population. Since I cannot afford a Birkin, even if I loved crocodiles, I would not spare a lot of time on such an argument.

I don't agree that SHM are more likely to suffer domestic violence. Women need to do a better job of picking their husbands. If you choose to marry an abusive man, that's your decision and your responsibility. A man that loves you will not start to abuse you because you stay home. Remember that the decision was joint.

The only value some women bring to their marriage is the income they earn. There are many men who will endure anything as long as the wife has an income to keep up with the Joneses. Ask those women who get passed around the office (sexual harrassment and very common in Lagos) and their husbands pretend it's not happening because the money means too much. Ask those women who philander (voluntary) because there is no emotional connection to their spouse but the spouse grins and bears it because the income is needed. How about men that just endure their wives because of her income that keeps them looking like big boys? For some women, the only reason their husband hasn't left is because of the income they bring in and they typically earn more than their spouse.

My prayer is for peace and joy in everyone's heart and good judgement to be the right kind of spouse and marry the right kind of man for you. It all starts with your choice, very few people will change completely (for good or bad) after marriage. Don't get desperate, work on your self esteem, pull your shoulders back, hold your head high and walk like a queen, being unmarried is not the worst thing in the world.

@ bukatyne

I want to try very hard not to write another epistle

The concept of "sole provider" is hard for me because I believe each spouse is contributing to the union and it does not necessarily have to be via money. If money was all that was needed to have a good marriage, Donald Trump would not be married to his third wife. Marriage is a partnership to run a successful business (the home) and I just believe we each bring different skill sets to the union. Man or woman can make a lot of money and still, financial success is elusive because they can't manage finances. Some make a lot of money but you raise kids that are an embarrassment because of their mindset, their behavior and/or value system. Perhaps worse, while you are busy chasing money, your kids are at the mercy of the streets and influences that damage them for life.

I often refer to my upbringing because it shaped the person I am today. For instance, my Mom has always been a shopper so she paid for a lot of things when we were growing up and even today, she still shops for her kids and grandkids. Knowing that, it would be hard for me to understand a man paying for everything if the wife is working too. I guess that is where the whole unity thing and absolute trust comes in. We have one pot for money that comes into the household, regardless of the earner and our spending is on that basis. I would trust my spouse with my life and vice versa, the reason why there is no secret around money, including our life insurance policies. It is simplicity at work. No one is building a secret house and no one is stealing from the pot to buy stuff the household cannot afford.

I am delighted that my advocacy has you viewing things differently about stay at home Moms. If one woman can see it differently from gloom and doom and said woman is married to a partner who shares the view and they can afford it and it works for their family, that brings a big smile to my face. As for the doing small business on the side angle, I did not do any side business because if I am going to work for money, it had better be worth it and I would be better paid using my certificates. Torokobo has never been my thing, it was either we could afford a SHM model or we could not.

For most people it is not sustainable forever because of affordability. Today, our expenses require 2 incomes and that is the primary reason why I work. If we could still afford the model, I would be building on talents in our children that necessitate a lot of travel and training expenses. What I see more with the Naija version of SHM are couples where the woman is staying home out of compulsion or laziness. It is not a joint decision - I cannot over emphasize the unity needed for this kind of decision. If your household cannot afford it, you cannot feed your relatives, there is financial strain, it's crippling your social life, etc then why are you still employing the model? You don't need a soothsayer to tell you it is not affordable.

As for those make students, I bet today, they are mostly the ones that would refuse to boil rice today because they "suffered" too much back then There are several husbands in our social circle that cook better than their wives and will showcase their talent when they invite guests for dinner. I have no problem with that as long as you are not rolling around your kitchen with a pot belly. Long as you are keeping trim, I can rejoice with you

You know, we're not really into gifting but even with a joint account, I can pull it off easily because I take care of the finances and he does not check the accounts unless he's looking out for a specific deposit or withdrawal.

We are not big on gifting because we don't often buy something without the other's buy-in anyway, more like we shop together and it's usually clothing items or accessories. If either of us is going to lay out cash on something that costs a lot of money, the other would know. Sometimes we disagree on choice but not often. He's a fine boy with a great sense of style so if he says it does not look good on me, there's a 90% chance I will return the item to the store and vice versa. I am hard to shop for and so is he, so we just buy what we "affordably desire" at any particular time.

Probably because he can trust them to manage the money in a transparent manner.

Pretty girl

Now to the questions:

1. What makes the husband the head/ sole authority if he expects the wife to contribute to the upkeep without necessarily compromising in domestics?

2. Why is the average woman who wants to marry/date a financially ok man called a gold digger considering that she is still expected to play her own part?

3. Why do people frown on a wife who expects her husband to provide all (even women programs emphasize this and call them lazy esp. stay @ home moms) while the wife is expected to handle the domestics majorly?

4. Why is a wife expected to handle the domestics alone when she becomes the breadwinner working outside the home and her hubby is largely at home?

1. This is where religious convictions come to play. I have a simple belief that my hysband is the head of the home and that is rooted in my christianity. I would not use "sole authority" though because authorization depends on the specific issue. Whether or not I earn money does not change that.

2. Is that true? My siblings and I were raised to believe as a girl, you don't get married until you graduate university and have a job. The boys were raised to make sure they finished school, had jobs before thinking of marriage and married girls that had followed their sisters' steps. So, there is no talk of gold digger anywhere. Perhaps that kind of talk arises when you have females with no money/no job/still in school marrying a man that has already amassed wealth? If a working girl marries a working man, there would be no talk of gold digging.

3. Who are the people frowning? The jealous and/or ignorant ones who envy the financial stability/discipline, the trust, the respect of a setup that can accommodate a stay at home arrangement? People who are still carrying the damage from the domestic violence their controlling fathers meted out to their housewife mothers? You have to know a person's story to understand their apathy. What is the "all" that is being provided? Money? When you meet real, well paid, hardworking men that value stability of their home life, you will realize these are people that know money is not all that's needed and that a stay home wife is a gem contributing to that stability by providing balance on the home front, especially when the kids are still young. Your kids do not care how much money you have when you cannot volunteer in their class/school or on field trips because you have to be at work. They don't care about your money when you force their sickly selves to go to school because you don't want to miss that all important meeting at work, meaning you can't stay home to nurse them, etc, etc.

Nigerians are wired to think a stay at home arrangement automatically puts the parties at a disadvantage and that there's something wrong with the wife (husband must be complaining, wife must have been forced by husband to accept, wife must be lazy, inlaws must be complaining, etc) because all they see is their own backgrounds, their experiences, and the people they see/saw around them suffering the harsh realities of no money, controlling husbands, suffering relatives, etc.

I have been a stay at home Mom and I know countless others who have been so I can speak authoritatively on the subject. My post history is littered with my views on the arrangement so I won't start a new epistle here.

When I stayed home, my husband still helped with chores when he came home because he genuinely likes me and does not think chores are only for women and even though I have been back to work for years and work less than he does, he still does equal or more chores than me. Till tomorrow, my family eats out or even eats simple meals like cereal, sandwiches, etc if I don't cook. I do the chores he does if I feel like. Life is as simple as you make it.

4. I have nothing to relate this scenario to. If domestics are cooking and cleaning, my sisters and I and SILs do the cooking because that's how we were raised. My husband and brothers can only cook basic rice and fry eggs but they can clean. The females are not complaining, the males are not either. No one has anything to prove to anyone. It is how we were raised and thank God each was able to find a complementary spouse so there's no wahala.


Personally, a cooking man does not hold any appeal for me, a cleaning man does it for me everytime. I am a product of my background and no apologies. Fine boys didn't cook back in the day, they bought food because they could afford to and didn't need to bring pots and pans to Uni. I know economic realities are harsher so it makes more sense now but I am too old to wipe away the memory of hostel boys cooking smelly beans in blackened pots on the balcony with smoky kerosene stoves as you walked by. I could say more but the discerning can understand what I mean. I had no interest in boys that went to the market to price pepper and tomato, same way today I don't get a pot bellied middle aged man boasting about his cooking prowess in his stockfish smell stinky home.

If a husband in our family circle found himself at home for some reason, there would be no change to the roles. I would not expect my husband to start cooking because of that, we would still do what each has always done.

Kaira333:
Good advice dear but I know my hubby he can neva confront his mum for anything. For instance, there was a day she was wearing leggings and short top as in improperly dressed. Hubby saw her instead of telling her, mum this thing u are wearing is not good look for gown top since its leggings or something like dat. He called me and was like baby go and tell mum dat what she is wearing is not good and visitors will soon come. I was like me ke tell who. I told him she is ur mum please correct her if I do she might misunderstood me. Could u imagine he didn't do that until she corrected herself my using wrapper. I have told him several things she normally do which are wrong but he wouldn't confront her.My major prayer point now should be let omugwo end so dat she can travel back although d way am seeing things she is not planning to travel back dis year sef.

This post is the crux of the matter. If you cannot rely on your husband to back you, I recommend you suck it up and prayerfully await her departure from your home. If your husband would back you, then communicating your displeasure should be through his mouth, not yours. Always remember - blood is thicker than water. What she would tolerate from her child/ren, she and the rest of the family would likely not accept from you. No man likes his wife to get mouthy with his mother. If my husband is displeased with my Mom, I expect him to tell me so that I handle it. Same way I would not open my mouth at his Mom, I would tell him the situation for him to handle.

My simple advice is to do whatever would not cause war between you and your husband. If he cannot put mouth in his mother's dressing, I have a feeling he's very reluctant to put mouth in this matter too. So, who are you to tongue lash her because you don't like what she's saying?

I expect you knew her personality and how her son regards her before your marriage? Well, nothing has changed, she's still held high on that pedestal. Your speaking your mind to his Mom because of her utterances towards you (agreed, not fair) might start a war you can't win and strain the relationship between you and your husband. Mama will eventually leave but a war with your in laws can endure forever. Is it worth it?

By the way, only you know " all he has done for you" we don't. If you know he has elevated you and/or your family true true, please respect yourself before his mother tells you your family story and how her son delivered you. To be perfectly blunt, whenever a girl without a job gets married to a man of a higher economic status, you risk this perception of he's your savior - right or wrong.