₦airaland Forum

Beta1:
12 POINTS FOR WIVES TO NOTE:
================
When a man is looking for a wife, he bypasses women of
different shapes and sizes to choose a wife. But soon after
childbirth, many women hide under the excuse of childbirth to let go
of themselves.
Many stop bothering about their looks, shape, dressing, etc. Within 5
years of marriage, people start wondering if the wife is the man's
aunt, even though she is 7 years younger. Her defence is that if he
truly loves her, he should love her the way she is. https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10206327173849747&id=1578877907&refid=7&_ft_=qid.6198434848225375147%3Amf_story_key.-8108820232182378742%3AeligibleForSeeFirstBumping.&__tn__=%2As

That whole thing about if you truly loved me you'd love my fat is . . . . . . . If he wanted a fat woman, he would have married a fat woman.
By the way, you have a right to demand he maintains a healthy weight too, why should you be saddled with a pot bellied man when you did not marry one.


Just for laughs

The 2 societies are so different, it is like comparing apples to oranges. The mindsets are different, the cultures are different, even the girls are different.

In the West, the average girl who works out and has developed a good body as a result, would wear those yoga pants without a thought about sexxxxx; it's simply about feeling good with the way she looks.p and displaying a physique built on hard work. On the other hand, the average Naija girl would wear the same thing on a purely for sale or searching basis. There are "working girls" in the West too but nothing like in Naija where so many girls are living a cash and carry existence, the bod being the product on offer.

Those in the West are doing these walks based on ideology, they have reached a level where they can/almost can view their bodies in an asexual manner, not same with Naija girls. Too many still view their bods as "equipment for sale" so a walk like that becomes more about self advertisement than promoting anything substantive.

In the West, chances of getting away with rape is low if the victim is willing to report to the police. In Naija, likelihood of any punishment for the rappppist is slim which is why a girl has to look around her and weigh the risks. The enforcement of laws and punishment play a major role in when and where you dress like that, never mind personal convictions about modesty. If the Oyinbo girls lived in Naija, they would probably not be doing walks that display their breeeaassts and the liberated Naija girl would be walking with them in the West with breeeaassts bared.

What's her family background like and what is yours like? Traditional, non traditional?
I have seen this more commonly with girls raised by Amazon, non-timid women, most Naija girls like that are raised like men and if you are the "submissive wife" type, get ready! No disrespect to Amazon mothers because I was raised by one myself and it can be good and bad.
If the girl is anything like what I'm thinking (I may be completely off tangent), things will work themselves out, love always makes a way but the love has to come from both sides i.e the emotion has to be strong from both sides, not you alone. If she really doesn't love you, there may be no progress.
Sorry I don't have the time right now to break everything down, just know that a girl like that can be your biggest ally but some days, she will seem like your biggest cross.

You have to remember that the www is a jungle and there are all kinds of personalities behind each moniker, going through different things in their personal lives. You should not assume every Poster has your best interest at heart, that would be naive. It's also a good idea to check post history. The person bashing you may have just lost their job and feel like the matter you brought here is inconsequential compared to their own reality. In that situation, it would be better if they didn't comment but not everyone practices self restraint so they bash you instead.

Different people are on this site for different reasons. For some, Nland is an avenue to vent the frustration they feel about their own circumstances. If you are forced to seek advice on a forum like this, you have to make sure you have the wisdom to separate the wheat from the chaff because you will get both. Unfortunately, bringing your matter to the www does leave you vulnerable to bashing. If you are going to do that, you have to grow a thick skin or better still, find a way to help yourself offline.

You start a thread saying your husband only gives you N250,000 per month for housekeeping. What do you expect the woman who only gets N19,000 after begging and fighting to do? Or the woman who is battling her Baby Daddy to get money for diapers or school fees? The average Nigerian woman in these situations is either going to lash out at you for being greedy or go into full mischief mode, asking how you can tolerate that and call your husband names to boot.

Or you are a male who has a girl that is truly in love with you and has shown you care and no monetary demands but she won't become a sex slave meanwhile you are getting the green light from all kinds of other girls and are tempted to ditch the girl that loves you. You come to Nland asking for advice, forgetting that a lot of those who will advise you to ditch the first girl have never been loved like that and would give almost anything for the kind of girl they are advising you to betray.

Purely out of bad belle, they advise you to ditch the girl. When it's time to get married, you realize you have become a member of the association of "choosing the lesser evil men's movement" aka which of your numerous girlfriends can you manage since you exchanged your true love for multiple sex partners early on. Then you say all women are bad.

I tend to ramble when I have time on my hands but hopefully, you get where I am coming from. The harsh truth is same way you have all kinds of people in the marketplace, same reality here. Do not expect too much from people you don't really know.

If women just married men that genuinely love them, house chores exhaustion could be avoided. If your spouse loves you, there is no way he would watch you battling exhaustion and not lend a hand if there are no other options. I don't understand loving without assistance. That is why the marriage foundation and whom you marry matters.

@ Topic

The reason would be distrust (so many possible levels) - prevent that or fix it and there would be no need for either party to hide anything.

@ Topic

Since it's not that she's cooking for herself alone, where's the fire
Sometimes, young marriages experience initial turbulence and this is probably what's happening.

The one important thing your story is missing is where you both agreed to have kids out of wedlock. Yes, I get that you were in love however he should have put a ring on it first. Maybe I'm just oldfashioned but how can you get pregnant without a ring on your finger? And without a job? That is self inflicted accelerated devaluation 101. Hopefully, more young women can learn from your story and I hope you'll get some advice on the way forward from other Posters. The only thing I understand is "prevention is better than cure" but that won't help you now. Being a boy or girl has nothing to do with it, there are many girls out there who are not in this situation.

Talk2SeaL:
I'm a 23 year old lady. I met a 29years old banker March 2012, he asked me out and after about 3 months I accepted his love proposal because he was really on my neck. I eventually fell in love with him and he dis flowered me. His parent rejected me cos of my state of origin (Ogun state), he's from osun state. He stood by me trying to convince his parents. Few...
.... months to end of 2013, I got pregnant. I informed him about the news and he was so happy, his immediate sister got to know about the pregnancy when she saw the result in my room. In a nutshell, She told their mother about it and his mother invited me to her house and told me to have an abortion, telling me i must not tell her son what we discussed. I told my...
... BF about what his mother told me to do and he insisted that I should keep the baby. My Bf and his parents fought about the issue of me having an abortion, later on it was settled and a mini introduction was done between my family and his. My father rejected the wedding suggestions because he was very mad at me. Few weeks after the introduction, my BF started giving me...
... attitudes. I fell sick (first transmitted sickness), so I went to his place (another town in osun state) he sent me out in the rain back to school while I was sick because he wants to bring in a girl. He was even asking another girl if she misses him or not in my presence, he cheats on me and uses abusive words to describe me. I talked it out with him about the things...
... he's been doing to hurt my feelings, he always say that he is an african man. Whoever I tell the story will always be on his side because he is a man and he can cheat me but I can't (making me regret why I came to world been a girl not a boy). One day, I was frustrated with his acts and went to his parents to report him. Surprisingly, his parents said I was too...
... jealous, without talking some sense into his head. I made a decision that no matter what happens I'll keep things to myself and pretend as if I don't care even if it kills me inside. At the 7th month of my pregnancy my school went on strike, I was with him and I made sure he gets EVERYTHING a man wants from his wife. Most times I will cook and he won't eat...
... until I kneel down and beg him with food before he eats. A month to my due date, we resumed for exams, he insisted I stay with his parent so that they can take care of me. I gave birth to a baby boy a week after my exams in April 2014, the following month, I was suppose to start my SIWES program which I submitted to...
... UCH in Ibadan, I had to switch to LAUTECH teaching hospital in osogbo cos I just put to bed. I stayed with his parents throughout the four months program (SIWES) and he never supported me. Thank God for my parents. I don't feel anything for him again (love nor care); another school session came no support from him again. Last month, I don't know...
... what his parent told him about me, he came home to beat me in the presence of my one year old boy(have never for once cheated on him or abuse his parents) I don't know the cause of his action. He always feel insecure whenever am chatting with any of his friends. Last week, I was in my room praying, his...
... mother came in and she found out that I was praying and went back to her room. Surprisingly, she started giving attitude, if I want to help her do laundry or anything she would say I should leave it. 2 days later my baby father stopped calling till now, I tried calling him but he won't pick up. I know his reaction again was...
... something his mother might have told him. Now have apologized to his mother even though I know I didn't offend her yet he's not calling not even to ask of his baby nor ask me how my exams went. I'm tired of his attitude and am thinking of leaving him for good but am scared of my baby's future. I intend to go to my parents...
....house to inform them about moving out then I will find a job and get an apartment cuz presently i can't afford one but am sure I will eventually. I'm broken and I need help.
Please I need your opinion or advise on this.

. . . . so the OP is male. Let me leave my post sha for those that may learn a thing or two

@ Topic

The lesser evil is a woman who can't cook, I say this after almost 20 years of marriage.

When I was growing up, my Mom would mandate you to be in the kitchen while she was cooking so we could learn. Most of the time, I stayed with her because I had no choice but the only thing I could really cook well by the time I got married in my 20s was stew. Till today, I still cannot cook plain white rice right without the aid of a rice cooker. My husband grew up with househelps who did the cooking and could not cook at all when we got married but we were alright because neither of us ever took the whole cooking thing as holy grail and we both had jobs so going to eateries when necessary was not a big deal. In the early part of our marriage before we left Lagos, I simply raided my Mom's freezer on weekends, we "visited" my maiden home or we ate out.

From the beginning, a tidy home has always been higher priority for us, so has financial management. My husband excels in the former because he is one of those people whose brains cannot cannot function if the environment is untidy (we are never dirty) and I'm better with the latter because of what I learnt watching that same Mom (ironic that was not her emphasis). I improved on cooking after marriage and today, I cook the Naija dishes I like (I admit to our simple tastes) better than most people I know. As far as I am concerned, only my Mom cooks most of those dishes better than me. I finally learnt to cook well after marriage when she would visit our home. I did it in a coded manner, inviting her to cook "that your efo riro" egusi, fried rice, etc while I made secret notes to try later. Even with my greatly improved cooking skills, there are still days when we and our kids have cereal and milk for dinner or we buy takeout or we have bread and stew, or food without meat if we've run out. We like food but there are no rules as long as hunger can be satisfied.

Ability to cook is overrated, keeping a clean house and financial management beat that skill any day IMO. The other home management stuff were my strengths from day 1 because those were the skills I imbibed quickly without being forced. I spent many Saturday mornings trudging Iddo, Balogun, Idumota, Gorodom, Jankara, etc with my Mom in search of bulk bargains and I can still find my way around those areas. Till today, I am still a good bargain shopper - that skill alone has saved our marriage tons of money we have diverted to other things.

In the end, it depends on the spouses and whom they are attracted to. My outlook would not have worked with a different kind of man and vice versa. By the way, cleaning is a good way to keep fit as you grow older and you refuse to workout - that is what my husband tells me when I complain about the kids not doing enough chores around the house. His lack of rotundness would appear to confirm that.

Meanwhile here is the real situation :
1. Lazy housewife lol; I never pretended to love housework. However hubby felt we were spending too much time apart doing housework instead of enjoying time together hence the decision to hire a house keeper.
2. When I met hubby he was a lucky go fella spent money as he made it, I was the opposite helped him start saving, I was working too and taught him then how to change naira to dollars and save in a domiciliary account, then naira was 152 within a year he had saved over $20,000 just by blocking loopholes and being more careful with finances. We had opened a wedding joint account and maintained it after the wedding as a family expense account. I had to stop work but I had savings to carry my weight during my period of unemployment. Hubby trusted me with tracking financial expenditure hence he would let me handle that.
We contribute 60-40 to expenditure even though I am a " housewife"
3. I was rude to mother in law: when I would need to sleep she would want something and would open my door shout until baby and I woke up, I would end up with a migraine and baby would be crying and edgy, so I started locking my door to nap. When i mean she wants something, I mean she can't find the TV remote or has problem changing channels or light goes off in the afternoon and she wants gen on. Meanwhile she hardly helped with baby.
4. I would definitely not do eye service to please anybody, I do things at my own convenience end off
5.The car was because he didn't want me stressing with the old car while pregnant and with the new baby.
6.I was controlling lol, I dont even know how to respond so if a husband and wife mutually agree on financial decisions it means control Lmao no wonder some men die and their wives don't even know their bank accounts such ignorance

Too bad you deactivated, your posts about the finances captured my attention. Many more like you are needed to debunk Nollywood tales and urban myths surrounding stay home Moms and finances. People could learn so much from you instead of spinning tales based on their own inadequacies.

Great that you have a supporting man too.

@ Topic

I blame the girl for getting pregnant without a wedding ring. No offence but I hope she's not a runs girl because the disrespect dripping from your tone is major. Being a baby mama comes with a boatload of disrespect because the public perception is one of a desperate female looking to ensnare a man. Perhaps the lack of a formal ceremony is the reason why she's reluctant to play the role of DIL, who knows how many baby mamas are still coming behind her. I'm not justifying her actions but it would be interesting to hear the other side.

sunshan:
My husband and I started dating when he had noting now he has gotten a job and we live in a house of our own with a car which he all got after we got married, we dated for four years b4 we got married, we got married three years ago we were living happily not until I got pregnant, when my pregnancy was eight months my elder sister gave birth thru CS so my husband and I both agreed that I will go 2 my family house so that my mum can take care of me because she won't be able to come over cos of my sister's health. I gave birth Jan this year and 8days later I traveled to zaria to meet my mum, my husband dropped me at home promising to b coming to check on the baby and I every weekend because 4rm zaria to our house is abt 30mins drive.
After he left I dnt c him again till after 2weeks and he didn't even stay up to an hour wit us and he left any time I call him at night he is either at club or in bar drinking so because of this I told my mum I was going home I left zaria my baby was jst 1month and 2weeks old only for me to return home and meet a dfft man from the person I married, I went thru his pone I saw dfft msgs 4rm five dfft girls his pone is now full of girls pix and porn, as if that is not enough he beat me at any even opportunity and any tym I want to leave he wil carry knife that he wil kill me and kill himself I'm so confuse I don't knw what to do pls I need advice. The other we quarrel he dragged me into his car and almost got us killed because of the way he was driving I managed to run away from him that the and the next day he saw me he collected my baby from and wanted to take my baby to orphanage home.

You lived together happily until childbirth and then he just changed overnight? Your story doesn't sound right.

Not saying you are lying but there are vital missing details in your story, it's incomplete. So, within the space of how many weeks, your husband became suicidal/homicidal as well as a wife beater and womanizer? Maybe if you complete the story, you will get people that can give you sensible counsel.

A joint account should be a joint decision. If one party has reservations about it, then why do it? There is a reason why you are not comfortable with the idea and if that can't be resolved in a satisfactory manner, you should go with your mind.

I have been married a long time and we have practised it from day 1. Till this day, there has been no whiff of suspicion nor accusation because of it, nobody is building anything anywhere without the other, nobody is sending money anywhere without the other's knowledge. I can tell you it works . . . . . .with the right couple that have the right mindset.

It may not work in a lot of cases but no time to go into examples

A potbelly is a major turn off. If I had a pot belly (not normal pregnancy belly) I don't think sexxxx would interest me at all because I find it very unattractive. If my man had a pot belly, same thing. Zero tolerance for potbellies in this household, it would most definitely mess up our sexxxx lives.

Yes, it's work keeping it at bay as you grow harder, reason why you have to employ control, discipline and commitment. Hard to do for sure but not impossible, just takes more work and it won't kill you.

If there's a medical condition causing the pot belly, understandable but most of the time, it's folks getting comfortable with an expanding girth.

P.S. I am a Mom too, I am not 30 and I am not blessed with high metabolism. I still say it is avoidable even as you grow older and after you've had kids

5minsmadness:
One of the most Common problems among couples is sexual dissatisfaction. In this thread we are going to be discussing some of the more prevalent sexual problems like premature ejaculation, the wife's chronic headaches, potbelly and its effect in sex just to name a few. Stay tuned.

I don't get the obsession with cakes that look like humans, animals, shoes, calabash, bears, handbags, booo,oobs, genitals and other depictions; I wouldn't eat them either. Can't we just go back to the days of a cake is a cake is a cake is a cake

Nothing wrong.
Personally, not a fan of the backing thing - doesn't matter if it's the Mom or the Dad

kstadaura:
You are married and something come up that requires you to travel and may be for some reasons you cannot take your wife with you. Can you ask your friend or brither to look after her, and is it safe?

Why would she need looking after?
If you are mature enough to get married, you are committing to running a household. There would be no need to shut down because your husband travelled.

Good that you've had a lot of encouraging posts so that I don't spoil things with my contribution.
Exclusive breast feeding is over rated IMHO, I don't see anything wrong with combining it with good quality formula and I don't subscribe to breastfeeding for more than 3-4 months.

. . . . . . . but then, I also believe your breasts were not created for breastfeeding alone, they are a part of your sexuality and that should last decades beyond however long your kids suck for.

I have seen some new Moms lose a lot of weight while breastfeeding only to gain it all back with jara later if they don't watch it. It may aid weight loss but it does not guarantee maintenance of a healthy weight.

I thought they said the house belonged to her? Now there's a landlord in the picture?

bukatyne:
I like your diary very much

Merci

bukatyne:
All the time listed above

Hmmmm, my primary school social studies said it happened in the days of old, long before you actually paid people to do your makeup and you had to worry about ruining 10% of your wedding budget your look

I salute the Poster's courage for bringing this out. For 8 months, you kept this private because you didn't want to risk losing the money. Criminals, from rapiiiists to fraudsters, thrive on the silence of their victims who live in fear of losing their respect/money if they speak up. By speaking up, you delivered yourself from bondage and have saved many others from a similar fate. For that alone, you will be blessed.

I hope she pays you but even if she doesn't; know that the day you decided to go public with this is the day you delivered yourself from the bondage of 115,000.00. May you never again be held hostage because of money and may you live long and be prosperous so that when you tell this story, it would be with amazement that you ever cried to your oppressor because of 115,000.

Just always remember to be clean in your own business dealings with others because the fraudulent always suffer. God bless you.

As for the accused, honesty is always the best policy. Ill gotten loot always brings punishment with it in one form or another. I have seen a man commit fraud, pulling in hundreds of thousands of dollars yet he lost it all and still went back to petty fraud less than $1000. God is not mocked, we reap what we sow. I pray you repent and may God forgive you.

Good topic
Perpetuating poverty by having kids you know you can't afford to give a reasonable standard of living - that should be a crime!
Planning is not a bad word and birth control is not a curse

Most? On the wedding day? That's news to me
Before or after the million dollar makeup and hair session?
Before or after they crash into bed on their wedding night?
Before or after being distracted with all the stress?
Where is the time?

Sweet mother, I no go forget you