₦airaland Forum

I need to share my experience with my last child that just turned three.

When he was at that age, even younger he loved music and I would put on nursery rhymes and music an he would dance.

Because I was rather busy in the afternoons with the other kids- home work and all . It got very convenient to "keep him busy" and also it made him happy.
Somewhere at age two, it was amazing, he could sing songs in English and German, he could recognize so many things on the screen and he could operate my mobile. It got to the extent that he would cut off my in coming calls just to keep watching the you tube videos. And everyone thought he was so smart.
However somewhere along the line I noticed that something was not "right". My son could sing in two languages, recite in two languages but he was not talking much to others. He was not really communicating and he would also get very angry or start crying when he was not allowed to watch the TV or have the mobile. He also was not really interested in playing with the other kid`s and also not much interest in toys.
I spoke to his nursery schoolteacher and she observed him and came to the same conclusion. Because he was constantly singing in both languages everyone assumed he was talking, but he was not communicating.
- So I had to make a radical change! No more Mobile and very rarely watching those videos or TV. This happened before the christmas holidays. When he started school this January the nursery school asked me what I did to get him talking. I told them I just kept talking to him whenever I was doing anything with him and asked them to talk to him allot. I was too ashamed to tell them that I had actually contributed to the problem, however I would have to tell them that the next time the development/ assessment comes up. He has now started communicating with others but still i need to watch the development the next six months, to make sure it is in the norm. Since there is no mor screen to entertain him, he now plays more with his toys and allot with the other kid`s. It is certainly louder and more difficult when doing homework with the other kid`s but we can`t compromise his own development for theirs.
So while it can be very educative, be careful it does not become too much.

I have to be very candid with you - your being an introvert is not the issue.
You know people always need to have excuses and that is what you are doing now.

Your friend knows the kind of person you are and that is what attracted him to you.
Do not bother trying to make radical changes. Change does not come over night but here some tips.

- He talks allot! Cool people who talk allot love the sound of their voice. They prefer talking to good listeners not to talkers.
The problem here is not that you a not talking but you are not listening and showing interest. Most introverts are very good listeners.
So if you are not listening you too find him boring.

You don`t kiss etc. That is your right, so far you are not doing it with someone else A woman has a right to keep herself the way she wants before marriage.
However there are ways too say I love you, like a card, a letter, am sms. Small gestures, cooking a nice meal and , and and ...So many actions that say the same thing.
With time you will get to being more vocal.
Nothing wrong with not going out and having hobbies. If it makes you happly -but remember that you need to be somewhat social when the kids arrive and they need to do more than just schooling- extra curricular activities.
So if you do not have the same interests as your BF give him the freedom to go after his hobbies and interests. He loves football you don`t. Then you need to let him go watch football with his friends and not complain when he is gone.
I think the problem is not being introverted but not showing enough interest.
A partner is not something you love and put in the showcase to admire.

For you to come here and ask this question you obviously are not comfortable with the situation.

The home belongs to both you and your husband.
The girl was there indirectly on the invitation of your husband.
If you respected your husbands friend you would not have abused the girl.
If you respected your husband enough, you would not have abused the friend by abusing the girl.

So now you see that mentioning you have a baby - interprets- He had the nerve to bring a girl into a decent house.
Mentioning she did not greet - means you expected her to show you respect.. Which is also okay.

But you could have acted matured. When two people come in together you greet them together. I just don`t understand how you greeted one and then there was this gap in time before greeting the other person to even look at her face. She might have seen the look on your face and reacted that way. Without knowing it your face might have betrayed you.

If she was preparing eggs, she just wanted to help by preparing food for everyone. It is very possible that the friend asked her to do so feeling he was close to your husband. Maybe they wanted to make up for the cold entrance the night before. However you were not patient enough to find out. The truth is that if you had hit it of with her the day before you would have thanked her for helping, even if you found it odd.

For you to insult her was absolutely wrong. You should have ignored it and played the friendly hostess. If you could not ignore, you should have spoken to your to your husband. It was his duty to clear the issue since they came to the house through him. Likewise should be the case if you bring someone to the home who does something that upsets him.

You got to understand the girl was just his bedmate but to the girl she was his everything

This is such a nasty comment!
This is clearly a girl that wants to get married. You now insult a fellow woman this way! Bringing us women down!
Anyway if she wants a serious relationship she needed to have been on her best behavior, but this tread is about you and not her.

Finally you made peace with your husband but that is not the end. Forgiven is not forgotten and one day he will remind you of this. Especially considering you did not apologize to the girl.
That apology to the girl is not because she did not deserve the insult. That apology is for insulting your husband`s guest.
If you were working in a hotel for a salary would you insult a rude guest!
Why then in your home that is more precious would you insult your husbands guest.

What happens when and if the man marries the girl?
That means the relationship between two friends would be strained because of the silly misunderstanding.
So my advice to you is to apologize the next time you see the girl. Invite them over for diner or find a way of arranging the meeting. Your husband will respect you the more for it.

You have opened the PANDORA`S BOX- Just wait and see what comes out of this reaction. Whenever you have visitors in the future you might find your husband a changed man .

The international market for Nigerian babies is booming too. This brings even much more money.

Years back Nigerians hardly adopted children. Gradually people from outside Nigeria came to adopt babies. Initially you would only get a baby as an expatriate if the baby was sick or had a deformity and that was also with allot of stress.
Gradually because of the money involved they allowed the adoption of healthy babies. The market became so lucrative that they had to set up farms to produce babies.

Most of these babies go for about 5 to 10 thousand dollars and even more.

These girls will remain hunted for the rest of their lives because you always wonder what happened to the child.

If I had my way I would insist that every adoption of a child outside Nigeria is an open one. The girls must have the contact to their children even after they are taken away.

soulglo:
She's not a man. She's a woman in an abusive relationship

Maybe I am and maybe not.

It is a fact that most girls/women have experienced abuse at one time or the other in their lives in Nigeria. It could be from a husband, father, relation, siblings or ......
Girls that grow up with an abusive father also often marry abusive men.
Victims of abuse sometimes turn to abusers themselves.

It is comment like yours above that make most women keep abuse a secret and not disclose. Because obviously they get insulted for it.

Now I want you to clap for yourself for being so smart in your analysis about me!

What was this tread called initially
Monster or thank you. Just wondering.

Asked my daughter. She said the antibiotics are good for a start but also-
avoid milk products.
-do not wash your face with soap, only water and then a cleanser and rub dry with cotton pads. Helps with the PH.
-she does a peeling once a week. Washes her face with water and then rubs sugar carefully on her face.

She took Doxy Wollf- I think it is more like tetracycline. for some time.

bukatyne:
It seems we are talking two different things.

I was referring to a marriage so obviously the relationship is there (ideal marriage I mean)

Same applies in marriage. The primary thing that a woman looks for in a man is him being a provider and a protector. Now I would like to imagine that in the olden days the man was more of a material provider and less of an emotional provider.
Today women still want men to be providers. I mean even if you can fend for yourself you don`t ideally want to fend for a man. However there is now more emphasis on providing emotional goods- love,care and affection. Also every woman still wants to look up to her man as being able to protect her. This role has change allot too, but I can assure you that married women have more respect in most societies.

So here again most women want men that fill the position of the provider and protector. While some women need more material goods others value immaterial more. It all depends on the kind of woman you are. I can assure you that there are some women out there that need the cash and not the care.

pickabeau1:
Mutter is that how you interpreted the question

Based on gender?

Someone else can say independence is a sinner who has not found salvation

It does not make any sense

In this case I would interpret it as independence being someone who believes absolutely in God that he is not dependent on man for his happiness. This is a state of perfection in your relationship to God.

bukatyne:
Superior partner?

You lost me there.

When I was talking dependence, I was referring to love, care, encouragement etc etc.

I agree that in relationship where a husband's headship is dependent on his ability to provide, he loses that place as soon as he loses his earning edge

Why lost. In most cases they are intertwined.In most cases the social status of the other person determines whether you let yourself into a relationship or not. Especially for women.
Only when you opt for a relationship does love, care and encouragement take place.

bukatyne:
Is the man not dependent on the woman also since we are not necessarily talking finance?

Men are much more dependent on a woman than the want to admit.
Today men are also financially dependent on women to a large extent.
That is the basic problem in marriage today. The man has lost his old biblical role as a provider and a protector. The only thing they are struggling to hang on to is their role as the superior partner in the relationship.
So it is difficult for most women under such circumstances to take on the functions of a man without wanting to grab hold of that supremacy too.

aisha2:
Wow wonderful. You are strong.
However here is the challenge, you expect that if you have done it any woman who says she cant do it is lazy and a bad wife.

Me for example know I can't manage more than two, if tomorrow my husband comes on line to complain that I don't want more than 2 kids you will call me lazy, write how you have have 11 and I am selfish for wanting two. You wont bother to find out if there are health issues affecting my decision or if we agreed on that number you will normally just rush in abuse the woman and even in some cases advice the man to marry a second wife to teach me a lesson forgetting that I am not mutter

God forbid. The more kid`s you have, the more you become aware of all that can go wrong. At a certain stage during labour you hang between life and death. Then there is the mental issue. Post natal depression can be a real health risk. This is one thing that is sadly not taken seriously in Nigeria and even in the western world.
Besides this was something I and my husband both wanted, which is rarely the case.
Well perhaps I should not judge everything.
But maybe it just is a habit we have, because when I come home late, my husband does not go to bed till I come, although I meet him sleeping on the sofa.
There was a night I had to fly to Nigeria and come back the same day. I got back at 3 in the morning and called him to pick me from the airport. He was sleeping and did not hear the call. That upset me real bad. This happened years back.

Reminds me of a lady I know.
Her husband told her that the easiest and cheapest way to get a girl was to tell them he wanted to marry them.
.. and he told them he was getting divorced and that there was nothing between him and his wife..
... he did not mind taking the kids out to meet the girlfriend. Even took the baby along without a bottle and pampers and spent hours on end with the girlfriend.
When the wife met this particular girl, she told her she believed she was a negligent and wicked mother that did not care about her husband and kid`s.
She was shocked to find out the truth. That day the wife had cried and cried her eyes of for hours. From morning to late night, her little girl was still breastfeeding, she was so young and he took her to another woman. In this case he also told the woman he would marry her and she was already making plans how to be a mother to the kid`s .

cococandy:
Leave talk. If mutter is really a babe, she can't do half of what she types here. Na Magic?

Okay this is really OT
But quite honestly allot of people ask me how I do it and I just give them the same answer I will give you now-

One day at a time.

and not nine but eleven.

God, poor child!
There all alone with no help.
These men are beasts. When have some men like that in Europe too. They keep women here and force them into prostitution or pono films.
Who knows what this guy must have done with this woman that he had to take her phones and break the contact. It was obvious that her life was in danger. He may have been scared that she would expose him if she leaves.
May her soul rest in peace!
.. The parents have lost a child, being blinded by material they did not take the necessary precautions.

aisha2:
Thank God you like all others have your weakness, if she can't be awake every night to welcome him with a kiss and hug she hasn't earned beating and its no crime.

Marriage takes work by both parties and it only works when two work together. Making it seem like a crime for not being perfect all the time is too much work for any woman

Well the man narrated a list of "offences" that provoked him.
However nothing justifies a man beating a woman! or anyone beating anyone.

cococandy:
Wow so it is true. She once said she raised seven sons. I didn't believe her then


Mutter did you really have nine kids abi na one of those your funny gists?

My funny gist! Some of you must think I have a very vivid imagination!
I haven`t finished raising those boys. The last one is still in nursery, so A luta continua!- The struggle continues!

aisha2:
Mutter abeg not EVERY WOMAN IS YOU. My husband comes home much earlier but he has a key, he lets himself in, sometimes am awake sometimes am not, and he hasn't and won't hit me for that.

If we are to believe her he beat her and collect led her phone to post that, both of them need counseling its not all on her.

Anyway you are far too gone to seat back and reason with mere mortal wives. As a super woman who breas-t feed 9 kids for 2 years each, make fresh soup every day and do so many other super womanly things its hard to understand some of us are not so super

Done a good research but let me correct you.
- not all my kid`s wanted to breast feed for 2 years, in fact I had two kid`s that rejected the breast completely after they got the first bottle. And with one baby I just did not have enough milk, and I tried everything.
- Secondly, please lt me know the date of the post when I had 9 kid`s , probably is quite old, because I am not yet in menopause

@ aisha I certainly am a very weak mum because I can`t sleep when my kid`s or husband are out. There are times when my boys come back very late, that I spend the whole night crying and praying that the come back safe. I am too worried to even be angry with them at that moment. I wish sometimes I was a super mum that could just go to bed and have a good night sleep. You need to imagine how it is when on a friday you are just worn out with the weeks work, the kid`s and their homework and you think you can just get a good nights sleep

My daughter had i real bad at your age and the skin doctor prescribed her the anti baby pill. But it did not help much till he put her on a mild dose of antibiotics and she had to take that for sometime and the acne went.
Also you can do steam damps to help the pores open.
Also stay away from milk products and sweet things it plays a big role.
Google acne and antibiotics.

I don`t love any of my kid`s more than the other.

moca:
Mutter,look at what u r typing.
If u wanna be objective,r these points of ur okay?
So she won't sleep again?
U can wait for ur hubby to come home any time.
I don't wait. I feel like sleeping,i sleep.
He has d key to d whole house and can enter from any angle.

I'm a very objective person but u seems not to make sense at all.
Let it go pls.

At nine!
Yes a wife and mother has sleepless nights.
First with the husband and then with the sons. That is what it takes to be a wife and a mother. When my big boy`s are out or my husband, I don`t sleep till they get back. Even if they have a key.
Because I want to make sure they are okay. Do you know how often people have been shot down just outside their house btw! Why would a man spend an hour trying to enter his own house.
This is sad.
Please if you have been going to sleep when your husband is out it is time to make a change.
Even she could have dozed of in the sitting room but not put on your PJ `s and tuck into bed.

Please put yourself in her shoes. Still a Virgin at this age! Do you know that it is possible to arouse a woman sexually even when she is in her early teens.
So imagine how many years she has waited! Why prolong the torture.

BTW, you are not a virgin and quite honestly I do not believe you have been practicing abstinence in this relationship otherwise you would want to marry her yesterday.

If she was my daughter I would "use broom and drive you". In a year and half her market value would have gone down by almost half.

It is sad that religion that is meant to bring us together in love and tolerance is actually being used to do the opposite.
But even here on the forum, we can spread the message of tolerance and respect for each other and our religion. This is a good platform to try and understand each others views.
So let us not get so mad and abusive because we loose that chance to build bridges here.

Because I live my religion so much I have a strong love and respect for all other religions and people that practice it. I want to imagine that they do so as passionately as I do.
That means respecting that religion. Now we all know that there are some people that react in an irrational manner when provoked. Why provoke them and risk innocent live`s being lost?
Why must you draw such cartoons about any religion? Religion is something to do with God, Our creator. We should honor that.
As far asI am concerned those irrational people and those that produced the cartoons are responsible or better word causal to what happened.
Even the people that buy those magazines are also responsible.
- No demand , no supply.
Now ask yourselves, why after the violence are they selling millions instead of thousand copies.
The company is also making a profit out of this unfortunate event, even if they also are trying to set a signal we don`t give up, they still are making a profit.
Just hope they donate the money to the innocent one`s who lost their lives.

fem29:
Hmm mutter my husband said he is sure our a man posting as female, and he is a typical naija man.

Your comments always weigh heavily on the side of men, anything that happens you always make it the woman's fault

Please assure him I am very much a woman, just that I like to be objective.

Well now that the story has unfolded some more it is clear I was not weighing heavily on the mens side.
Look how this woman keeps on and on even when her husband came on here, she goes on.
No shame, no regard for her husband or her kid`s. This is a disgrace.
Even in law there is room for provocation and if you make a man mad enough, he can get away with murder. So let us be kind to tell the woman the truth. She ought to apologize to the man..
I don`t blame the man coming out here to defend himself if he reads the one-sided flow of information here.
By the way OP why could you not hear the door bell at 9 in the night.

Why should anyone advise the man to hold the keys to his home. He can have one , yes. But as long as there are people at home, why should he use the key?
When a husband/ father comes home- the proper thing is for the wife to open the door and welcome him with a smile and a kiss , hug
How could she be sleeping when the man was out.
I always know when my husband is back even if I don`t hear his car. I just have the feeling that he is coming home, that is how it functions in a home.
But maybe she was busy finishing her call with one of her lovers that she did not hear the door.
It is a big question to me why the man would want the little girl to wait up for him? That is child abuse and this was also supported by the woman because it was her failure to do her duty that lead to this suggestion.
What a shame, a marriage with two kid`s and still basics are an issue.

ileobatojo:
Huh?

*Scratches head*

Wetin ! Na lice or dandruff dey there.

Violence is wrong.
But it is also very wrong to continue with these cartoons and to keep on provoking the moslem world.

Why do it! Why do it when you know that many innocent people all over the world will loose their lives, while you try to prove a point.
Everyone has a right to his religion, that also means that dignity and respect should be given to his religion.

guttentag:
For your mind you be woman

Any man born of a woman will agree with me

pickabeau1:
So why did u link it to being a woman
Why can't a woman be independent n safe or better still interdependent

Just a possibility.
A woman can be financially independent but should be dependent on her husband. Dependent on his love, support, advice and care.
Then the marriage is more likely to be safe - work out.

My first from many options because keeping a marriage going is more challanging and difficult than maintaining financial independence.

Interdependent is also a lovely word . But it also has something to do with the woman being dependent on the man.

pickabeau1:
Mutter is that how you interpreted the question

Based on gender?

Someone else can say independence is a sinner who has not found salvation

It does not make any sense

Yes it has so many interpretations.

Dependent and safe - employee

independent and unsafe - employer.

Chillisauce:
Both of you should go to bed if you have nothing else doing.

And do it fast !

Yes Ma, it is way past my bedtime!
But I am waiting for the sound of my husbands car, don`t want him to turn into a monster and lash out at me. I don`t have any small nanny her to take some of the beating.

Independent and unsafe - The role of a man
Dependent and safe - The role of a woman.

I just like being the "dependent" one. I support you as much as I can but at the end of the day, darling the head that wears the crown is heavy.

This question is really interesting because some women mix it up- they want to be independent and safe.

dinachi:
Those who are siding the Op should advice her as a matter of urgency to go and report herself to the police, get a fair trial and as a good citizen serve her jail terms for monstrously abusing the poor 12 year old girl.

Abeg It is okay. The two are different issues. She said the nanny was on break.
Let us focus on the man that beat her and the girl for not opening the door.
You are lashing out too hard at her.

But OP if you love your husband you would be watching out of the window and listening for him to come in, no matter what time.
Imagine criminals had followed him and shot him at the doorstep. You would be the first suspect.