₦airaland Forum

It shocks me because he knew my character and my personality before he asked me to marry him yet he did.

MEANING this character was not good but if he tolerated it as a boyfriend he should tolorate it as a husband.

I am pregnant which makes divorce out of the question for me.

MEANING: no love lost between us,


You can`t work on him but you can work on yourself. He married you because he saw you as a partner for life. When you change he will change. From what you have written you want the marriage too so try and work on it.
Girlfriend is not wife. You have to be good to him , tender and caring like a woman should be and I believe that if you make efforts you will come back here and give us testimony.
Above all love and respect for him.

freecocoa:
I can't take it anymore, feck you all round mutter, you are just so stup1d it's annoying, like what is inside your brain box for crying out loud? You are disgusting, tufiakwa gi.

Have a nice evening freecocoa
Now throw up all you like

Instead of telling the person finding the truth the truth some of you are here crying more than the bereaved. I hope that you are not secretly contacting this woman to offer yourself`s or your brothers or even husband`s to her as a substitute. You know the thing with this jungle fever - once you get beat hit you never go back.
Seen enough of these stories. You lament with the woman and in a few months she will be here lamenting about the Ghanaian or Sudanese she has now.
I know she must be hurt and she needs to take it easy with the baby but this story she is telling here does not add up. I have seen just too many of these.
She married this man knowing the situation or had an idea. Let her come out with the whole truth.

Please Finding the truth can you post a picture of yourself here too. I mean you have posted one of your husband and your co wife so one of yourself will be good too. That picture might explain some things. I hope you are not one of these women a man had to fall in love with.

and secondly please don`t fall for any private mails anyone sends you here because you would be making another mistake.

and thirdly if you truly love someone even after a disapointment you would not want to ruin himor keep his child away from him.

virginboy1:
please,what is the essence of bringing more kids into this world when taking care of one ain't an easy job. Please Sir be objective,because i can see you are just been subjective with the matter.Thank you

Now is it only the rich that are allowed to have children.

finding the truth -

The whole truth is that you met a man that was in a difficult condition. He came to America to fend for himself and his family. This man was in love with a woman and promised her to come back and marry him one day. You do not even know that in some cases the women save up to help the man go. They say no to other suitors waiting waiting for their loved ones.
Then what did you do?
You say you loved him yet you took advantage of his situation, because you knew you had very strong bargaining power.
...and you thus gave him that condition to leave the girl.
Ask yourself the truth COULD you have done that with a guy that had his papers wit such confidence NO!
Then after you agreed that he should let it sizzle off- YOU CALLED THE GIRL! and told her you were the wife. DO you think an african woman feels no love and no pain. Do you know if the woman has had a child for him.

If you want to be fair and tell the truth. You went into a party expecting that the other woman must give way because you have the American power. Is that Love.
Please seen too much of this.
Not to worry African men can be polygamous and so you can share him, there is no problem if you love him.
Congratulations on the baby and the best of luck.
The man is nothing so good looking and has such a big fishing net.

shelter4luving:
i got a new job through someone i just met. it was 4 days ago, i make photocopies of my CV and was summiting round some companies and offices. lucky for me i walked in somewhere while talking to the security man at the gate, the manager came out, called me and we got talking. he said he just like me immediately he saw me. that am going to be his wife. that i should leave all my boyfriends and get serious with him. i was just looking and smiling. so after all the talked, he went through my CV and ask me to go to one organization and summit. so i went. lucky for me again i went straight to the place and was able to see the manager. after much conversation, she employed me immediately. although i did not tell the manager someone directed me there. that was how she took me to HR. and i was asked to resumed the following day.
I've resumed and i appreciate God and the first manager guy who directed me to this job.
the problem now is, he called me yesterday to come and spend the night in his house after work. he desperately want sex and i don't want to sound rude or ungrateful and at the same time i hate such nonsense.
Sis in the house, how do you handle such without looking ungrateful?
men in the house, how do you think i should treat this guy?
He calls me like mad with all manner of stu.pid love names. getting me angry but i want to be polite.

To be very honest you could never have walked into an office and got a job just like that. I have worked in HR before and I can tell you that for every vacancy there are enough applicants. Even existing staff have enough relations and friends to be brought in.
The lady knew you would come and even before she took you she confirmed with that man that you were the one.
The man has come immediately to collect his own share of the bargain.
You knew what the deal was?
You might be good but I am certain there were also people that have better qualifications.
You deprived someone of a job by using your" bottom power" .. sorry for putting it so crudely. Now you are turning around to question his own indecency.
This was an indecent arrangement. At the end of the day you might fly out because people owe each other favors and the man could get you out. .. unless the new boss is so pleased with you and pleads for you and keeps you.
She probably liked your confidence in not mentioning that you were sent....as in you know how the game goes. In these kind of arrangments there is special language and body talk.. like we both know what we are trying to say.

virginboy1:
...

God will se you through and will never give you a burden you cannot carrry. It is well you should look at the positive side of ti.

This life does not always come as you think. At the end of the day it might be this last child that becomes great and takes care of you all.
This is your brother and sister and an enrichment to your lives. I don`t see anything wrong with it. More and more women are giving birth at a later age and it works out.
The only thing you can do is help her where you can.

Well they better look for an out of court settlement and get administrators for the mans estate. Maybe herself and a brother. Because this property is not for her but for the kids. It is also not meant for any future kids she might have or man that she may marry. The interest of the children is priority.

A court marriage is not superior to a customary marriage. If she married him traditionaly then the property is subject to customary law and you naturally the property belongs to the kid`s and noone else. If the kid`s are very young the court might have to look into it.
There is this danger of a wife taking the property into her new husbands home if she remarries.
So whoever manages the property is doing so on behalf of the kids.
That now depends on her getting a good lawyer.

The wife of a traditional ruler dressed like this and looking like this. Must have been more reasons why he flipped out. But the first biggest mistake he made qwas marrying a woman that is not suitable for his position. The second flipping out like a mad man.

The man made a wise choice, with her genes nothing can go wrong with the kid`s.

May God bless this marriage!
You have done well.

We have accepted your confession!
Now wait for forgiveness from God because I do not think you will get it from NL
Probably a Mascochist waiting to be fogged by us

teeghurl:
Thank you all for your beautiful contributions, I believe we r all learning from this. Thanks to the good parents here. Brutality, spanking, corporal punishment r not limited to Africans, it happens everywhr but when people hear of African way, the first thing that comes to their mind are all these. Africans still correct their children with Love too, I'm not saying African way is necessarily the Best way, I said it's one of the BEST. I don't expect you to agree with my POVs, that's why we r here to interact and learn from each other. No one is here to judge anyone as per how you raise your child. I believe so many single ladies n men r viewing this topic to learn more from the people with experience. The crux of the matter is 'how do you raise your child in a way that will bring glory to you @ d end of the day in that settings you are?. Will your children be able to stand on their feet wherever they find themselves? Will they be able to looking back and say 'Thank You Mum and Dad for raising us well'. Do you have the time for them? Sirshymex, that's a wonderful contribution. Thanks

We need to teach our children that even more important that social competence is just as important than qualifications.
we need to take time out to be involved in school activities, attend meetings be active. Enroll your kid`s in activities like sports, music or something else. This builds up socila competences and gives the child a place outside school to socialise and get acknowledgment.

Something else I noticed is that when teachers complain some African parents brand it as racisim. Yes Racisim is a major issue but look into the issue , cooperate with the teachers and above all learn to get your child to apologise.
The sad reality is that the way a teacher feels about a child has a great impact on the child`s progress, so we have to support our kid`s there too.
When one of my son?s started primary school last year the teacher complained that the class outings were difficult with him and that some other children and that the might not take them along in future if it continues. At the next parent meeting when the asked for volunteers to go along I raised my hands. The outing went very well, my son behaved himself and i tried to focus on all kids and help them where I could or sing with them in English . The teacher was so happy and asked me if I could do it permanently. I take of one monday every month to accompany the class. This has also helped my son integrate properly in the class. On the first outing the kid`s were to gather leaves from various trees, one other african child did not gather anything because he forgot to bring a bag for the leaves and the other kid`s left him out. I helped him gather leaves and diplomatically attached him to other kids. This time is worth it because I can help not just my kid but also others because since I started these outings there has been no issue of some kid`s being difficult. The problem was that some parents when they went along were only paying attention to their kids and their friends kids, thus leaving out the others and this was contributing to the difficulty.
So especially as an immigrant you need to put in extra time and effort to make sure that your kid is integrated in the class.

You can`t handle the mother in law. You can only handle yourself and so make a change.
Respect all your in laws even the younger ones.
Never be disrespectful to your husband in their presence.
Give them chance to be with your husband.

Even when my SIL comes that is way younger than me. I make her feel at home, I even beg het to cook food for her brother because I know it would make her happy to cook for him, We spend time together she the chef cook me assisting. We do things together and it is simply great. When my husband gets home from work I leave the alone to share childhood memories and occupy myself with my kids and hers. In the holidays i send some of my kids to her. That is what family is about. BEcause my husband is so much older than her and we are so close, she often comes to me first before approaching him wiht certain issues and I help her soften the ground.


How I wish I ever had a MIL. I would treat her like a queen and show her so much love and serve her in any way possible, that way my husbands love would increase even more. Through her I would learn so much about my husband, how he was as a kid and what he likes and so on. I would hand over my home to her and learn from her how she cooks because food we remember from our childhood we cherish.
It is only pride and arrogance that makes it difficult for one to submit to the authority of aMIL or mother.

Has this been confirmed. I guess not

A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME!

You may live in a mansion and not have a home. This man has a home and that with his trust in God makes him contented.

Just a suggestion, please maybe you can think of increasing his income or occasional assistance to motivate him further.

Pavore9:
27 years age gap..he married his daughter's age! He married a woman who is productive, even doing double shift and still complaining whereas there are full time house wives who are not bringing a kobo to d home bt still not lift a finger in d house!

OR he married a woman who neglects her family and is using all the money for her own needs.

Nothing justifies a man laying a hand on a woman but your conclusion on this case is too simple.

A full time house wife is contributing even financially to the house because the man has the opportunity to work long hours without fear of the home. When women work the man is also saddled with taking care of the kids- school runs, doctor appointments and so much more.
Besides in some countries the couple have to share the tax privileges meaning that the man could earn about 30 % or more less because of taxes if the woman works. Also the cost of day care increases if the woman works. Besides that more money is invested because no one is cooking decently or has the time to go looking for bargains.
Most importantly the services the woman renders - love , attention and cleaning , taking care of the kid`s is priceless.
So we just cannot conclude like that.
There have been many cases like this. A man as he gets older goes home to marry a young woman, brings her to the states and trains her, hoping that as he is getting older he can now have a woman who helps him in the home and also financially. These men are broken by years of work. The woman comes and gets influenced by others and ...
The other side again is that some women work hard day and night and the man is sending all his money home to his people and keeps wanting more and more from the woman. This woman works so hard and still comes home tired to cook and clean.
Anyway we don`t know how they lived... but for this thing to be happening so often something needs to be done.
The sad reality is that many women African women are suffering in Europe and America.

We can debate on spanking but the truth is that at an age it does not bring anything. As a teenage my dad would flog us brutally if we did certain things like going out. After a certain age I just made sure that I committed that offense to the fullest to justify the beating!

If you teach a child right from birth how to heed to you you don`t need to spank the kid. Just watch babies when they are born. A child may come to the world and be so peaceful but then so many visitors, carry here and there and some even swinging the baby and working around, before a few days the baby does not fall asleep without a roller-coaster drive on the mothers hand. Then you have the other extreme of parents who want to hear a pin drop when baby is asleep, very soon the baby gets scared at the slightest sound.
So right from day one you can have an influence on the child.
Some parents make the big mistake of waiting too long before trying to take up their duties as regards this. Sometimes I see parents stuffing their 4 year olds with snacks in church just to keep them quiet In many cases I think it is the parents and not the kids that have the problem and need training- This has nothing to do with race. The fact is that people all over the world are moving away from an antiauthoritarian system of raising the kids but are just overdoing it and do not realize that a child needs boundaries. Without boundaries a child is insecure and confused, it has to carry a heavy load because it no longer has the yardstick- if mum and dad would get angry then this it is wrong.

Another very important thing about kids is this. WE ALL WANT OUR KIDS TO B THE BEST but this dream rarely comes true. Stand by your child especially when it is down, has made mistakes and is on the wrong path. No matter how impossible it seems never give up on kid`s because as long as you don't ´say no, God will never say no. Keep praying and talking and offering help and scolding but whatever you do, don`t tamper with the dignity of the child, don`t humiliate the child or make it loose self esteem. You would be destroying something you can never build up again.

Lousy parents in diaspora would also have been lousy parents at home.

When you have african friends, belong to an african community and possibly attend an African church or mosque your children get exposed to their culture and tradition.

As regards the upbringing that depends on the parents.
Training a child starts virtually from the day it is born. Children need love, encouragement and also boundaries.

When I compare my kid`s that I raised out of Nigeria I must say I am very pleased with the result. Not just academically but also behavior wise. I did not do it the African or the European way but our way. Each child is different and needs to be treated as an individual first. I want my children to understand why they have to do or omit doing something and not just do it because I said so. I want my kid`s to be able to confide in me, no matter what they did.
There are some aspects about the african way that need to be changed.

For Gods sake where did you see it written that a woman or girl must cater for her brothers! Not even in the bible. Please let them enter the kitchen and do it themselves. They also need to learn how to do house chores even if they get married one day. In a few years to come hardly anyone will be able to afford an all-round house help.
I have seven boys and my girls are the bull dogs here. The bully their brothers into doing their own share of house work and cooking, even when the boys are slightly older than them.
Years back my son refused to hang out the washing saying his sister should do it because it is "girls work" and my husband supported him. I told my daughter to do so without complaint. After she hung the cloths I gave her money to go and buy sweets and biscuits. My son offered to go, I told him it was "girls work". He cried because his sister bought all the things he did not like.

Phema:
Mutter, is this you?? *Rubs eyes. . . looks again*
2015 is gonna be one good year.

By God`s grace this year will bring abundant blessings for us all.

Yes this is me Oh! Being a woman is a wonderful experience but it is also a very painful journey. You shoulder so many responsibilities and have to be there for everyone. You hardly get appreciated or even thanked by those who ought to love you most.

It took me years to understand what it means " a woman makes a home". The home exists as long as the woman makes sacrifices and endures. I know I have great expectations of women in respect of endurance, respect and submission but if you want to weigh it on a scale many men don`t deserve the wife they have at home.

....Then comes along this guy who should be at home appreciating his wife and

I met this beautiful young woman in my working place. Initially, nothing happened cos we re not in the same department. Then, something happened and we got talking, she is this down to heart woman that knows how to get u talking no matter how weak u re with woman.

Young, beautiful, down to heart, knows how to get you talking!!!! Why did she not use all these qualities on her husband?

So it is you that can appreciate a good thing, the husband was a fool to bail without showing his backlight.
You see how some people go and swallow what others have spat out without bothering to find out why the other person spat it out , while convincing themselves it is sweet!

Your wife is a good woman. You have insulted her and humiliated her. More so because you work with this woman, everyday you go to work you will leave your wife speculating what you are up to. You have put your wife in a very nasty position and you will deserve whatever action she takes.

What really pisses me of is that you want mature advice... translated you don`t want anyone to tell you that you are being a fool or an idiot.
Please let me be classified in this case as being immature. You are really a big F_ _L!!!!!

Amen. I have suffered this more than once. It is had and you need time to heal.

Not Bullshit but realshit created by human shit

Correct unadulterated advise. Better learn so that you don`t make the same mistake.

Problem with many young ones- just can`t keep their mouth shut!

You need to learn manners and that fast so that yor marriage does not crash.
Why would you nvite your sister withot telling him especially in this tension.

So if you can`t control your mouth the next time get down on your knees, it is difficult to be rude while kneeling!

Allot of women these days buy land and erect houses without the husband even knowing, so men have grown very weary of such moves.

MY dear you took the wrong approach.

A man can plan something for the event of his demise but you cannot plan for the event of the man`s demise. Get what I am saying. This is for my daughters when you are gone.. and then he gets scared and begins to think that the next step is to waste him. Even this has happened often enough.
When you bought the land you gave him the money to buy it for you. At that point you submitted to him and signaled him that he is the head of the family. You also probably had that money because of his contribution in your life. Now you want to develop the land as you deem fit ,no longer through him . How do you compare a plaza with a house. And I guess your husband can foresee what you would turn into running a plaza.
Landed property is different from any other property. The way it is bought also has a certain significance.
Someone changed...YOU Changed.
You are lucky to have a good man that can fend for you. How many men have even one house. But now you want more and more and I hope you do not want to break your home. I had a friend with a slightly similar issue. Today the are divorced and both she and her husband have mental issues. The struggle for the land got very intense involving both families.

Please go back and apologize to your husband and seek his advise of what is to be done with the land. Plead with him to consider what you want and let him take the decision. Then abide by it!

My children only great from a distance. As soon as the interest gets further, I make excuses "she is shy please leave her" or I call an older child too take the child out of the room.
I never allow my kid`s to be with me when visitors come. So it is a quick greeting and out. I have mastered this over the years so friends do not have much contact to them. I also rarely entertain visitors even though I am pretty social.

Ever considered it might be one of your ex girlfriends that set this up to get rid of your wife?
You might be investigating in the wrong direction.

MhizVee:
Well,i am much of an introvert'i feel shy a lot,i cant face the crowd.I dnt relate with people a lot.Some pple think i am proud,but it's not lyk dat.Hm,my boo has been telling me he wants me to meet his mum,but i do give him one flimsy excuse or the other,not because i dnt wanna c her,but because i dnt know what to say when we meet.

These are exactly the qualities that mother in laws love!
All you need to add on this is respectful greeting. The way you greet her is already 90 % of the exam passed. This depends on the mans tribe. In most cases bending the knees and "Ma" or "Mummy" suffices.

Please do not tell her you love her son, like someone advised. It would make her see you as too "wise". Just make sure that you are very respectful to your finance when she is around because she does not care about the love but that her son is happy and has a good wife.

Try and help in the household. Before she gets up you should be awake and busy.

The less you talk the less mistake you make.

Good Luck and a blessed married life in future.

2 blessings in disguise. Can you imagine working for such an employer? One day he will have you locked up for hear say or claim you stole something.

Secondly you have now identified a friend as a disguised enemy.

Besides your friend will also not have a future in that company because... people love betrayals but hate traitors. The boss will make use of the information but never trust your friend,
because someone that can betray a friend can betray him too.