₦airaland Forum

soulglo:
Mutter, you are being hypocritical. You really need to stop. You want rapists to go free because society is harsh? That's essentially what you are saying. I told you I was a victim of sexual assault and that I never felt shame about it. So I was very shocked when I read that the same thing happened to you and yet you still insist that rapist should go free and keep raping. Do you even see why people are frustrated with you. You do not use your experiences to help others but to further victimize them. You will be the type to advice another woman not to report her baby's rape because of what people will say. They'll send that housemaid out of the house and unto another innocent family who will have a child experience the same horror that you and I endured. I know someone in Nigeria who's children all have herpes. They caught a maid doing inappropriate things with one of the kids. I'm willing to bet that those kids got exposed to herpes from her or one of the maids who have full access to the children. Maybe if someone else had reported it before when this maid was inappropriate that she would not have been allowed near kids. Why not use the energy you use to vehemently defend rapists and murderers to fight for a sexual predator registry in Nigeria. You are going about this the wrong way. I personally do not see your sharing as "dirty laundry" and I'll beg the person who said that to apologize. I'm sure she did not mean it. Sometimes it is good for us to share experiences. Someone else might read through this thread and decide that they must report on follow up on any cases of rape they hear about. It takes a lot for an adult to overcome the after effects of rape. Imagine what a child would go through.

My dear if someone did that to my child, please call the police to save him because I am ready to die with the person.

As long as one abuser is out there justice can never be done.

But I know the other darker side too.

You sited an instance of the mother that stood up for her daughter. I can site an instance of the mother putting pepper in the Childs privates and accusing her of asking for it. I can site you examples of mothers giving their daughters into prostitution after such an incident because there was nothing left to save. I can give you instances of girls that where raped being victims of rape over and over again from different groups when they found out.

So just try and understand. The victim has been hurt already and in the course of seeking justice get hurt over over again. The feel like being raped all over again.
I don`t support abuse not physical and also not verbal.

babyosisi:
Mamaput was mixed
German mother and nigerian father
Mutter is mixed Oyibo mother and nigerian father
Mamaput was older in her late 40/ early fifties while she was active
Mutter is also older and a grandma

So I asked ,
Are you mamaput?

Please do you know that I have over 50 friends that fit this description?
I certainly am not mamaput and I think everyone has their own style of writing and expressing themselves. Maybe you need to examine it.
Besides I haven`t yet hit 50

Going witch hunting are you!

babyosisi:
Bia mutter let me ask you this
Was your former handle here mamaput?

Wait she left something very personal on a public forum and babyosisi only used a post on a public forum. She didn't use something she was told in private on a public forum so i don't understand how that was immature.

We all know this is a public forum and if you decide to air out your own dirty laundry there anyone can make a comment and remark on it. Which is why its always best to leave your private life to be just that, private!

What is very personal when the identity of the posters are not disclosed.

So when a woman speaks out about her abuse it is called - airing out her dirty linen.

Good to know!
Next time I advice women to try and endure the abuse and stay in their marriage because abused women do not have any respect I can refer them here. We indeed have a culture of silence.

You see I just find it amazing that it is only women that think that they can hail those stones against me, never got that from any man here.
However you must realize that I am not a teenage who is not in control of her emotions.
I speak out freely about my experiences and hope others can learn from them and also freeing myself of them. I am also not ashamed about it because I did not commit any offense. An offense was committed against me.

Well rape victims, abuse victims you have it now spelt out for you. Keep it to yourself`s and don`t wash your dirty linen in public. Your fellow women don`t like it.

FOR1234:
ONE OF THE BEST COMMENT....SO I TOLD HER

Your mum is only scared of you giving the best years of your life for a man that does no appreciate it at the end.

She sees what you do not see. She knows what it means being a woman. Only too many women have worked hard night and day to fend for children and themselves after the man abandoned them. Worked themselves to exhaustion. Cried tears of blood. When you are lucky the children grow up responsible and wipe your tears but your bones are old and tired and your body and spirit broken from years of hard work and fear of the future.

If this man really loves you he should not take all your money but encourage you to put some away for a rainy day.

bluegrey:
I can't believe it's a woman that wrote this post, and who are the stuupid two hundred and fifty two people that liked it??
So u are supporting men murdering their wives?? Just because you have one lousy example from Germany, does it mean all d wives murdered were rude to their husbands??
How about the Nigerian man that killed his banker wife brutally? (27 knife stabs) the major reason these happen is because the husbands are lazy, and later on grow to be jealous.
And no, the men that do this are all growing MAD!! It takes a mad, demon-possessed man to kill someone he is married to.
From your tone, sounds like u have the hots for the Germany man, and u are pained that he carried a much younger wife!

Congratulate yourself for being smarter than the stuupid 252. That is an achievement I must say

Now take a deep breath and go back and read - read. read wisely- read and read again.

hots for the german man


Grow up!

Op this also is one of the most common reasons marriage crack up.

It is his duty to fend for the family you are just helping him. Do not go overdoing your help-
That way you are enabling him to be lazy because he always has a plan B - you!
Also it is not about how he looks with his mates but that the family has what it needs.
His friends should respect his character and not his money.

Look at you, you are overworking yourself and near break down.

It is good to help your husband , kids and family.
But it is so frustrating when you have nothing left for you. Working hard and not spoiling yourself but only fending for someone else.

Despite that, it is good to be joined as one. To be there for the other.
I hope and pray that your husband appreciates all this and will remember it in future.

But before you can really and truly love him you have to learn how to love yourself.

BTW differentiate between a job and career.
Most career women do not need the advise:
Do not gossip, do not sleep around to get the job, do not flirt. Career women are highly qualified and educated women. They don`t do that and if they do that they don`t need advice on it.
Forgive my putting it this way but this is more like a "stay in your job" advice.

aisha2:
With due respect madam This is a thread for career advice for women not a debate about if marriage or career is a better option for women please please respect that before attack dogs come and spoil this thread.

There are several marriage advice threads for women and no one goes there to say career is better than marriage.
I am trying to speak with women who face challenges in work without any coping mechanism not to start a war.

I respect that you will respect that. Thanks

This is certainly what I was doing advising women about their career!
The most important thing for a successful career is YOU.
The product you are marketing is YOU.
You have to love the product and be comfortable with the product to market it.
That means you have to be comfortable with yours body and spirit as a woman. You have to love you as you are.
You have to know that you have a right to take time off when your family is sick.
You have a right to be pregnant.
You have a right to feel pain when you have your periods.
Take time off to breast feed.

My advice is more in line with 2015- Women have a right to be women and still be successful.

I advice my daughters to grow up emancipated and proud of what they are women.

If you have your periods- to hell if everyone knows ! that`s what makes you a woman. Don`t go swallowing unnecessary pills to avoid pain or to stop the period coming altogether.

Take off time from work to attend to your family matters! The project can wait or be submitted a day later or taken home .
This is what is expected of man and woman. Jobs today are paying more attention to the needs of the family and flexible working hours. In the western world families are dying out because of the stress of combining work and children.

My daughter everything "work "you learn at the Uni, everything "marriage" you learn from me and your faith.

Your first career and fulfillment as a woman is to be a wife and mother. That is the natural role of a woman.
Don`t let any silly women who claim they are feminist tell you any different. These women are struggling to be regarded as men and end up not meeting up to the expectations of a man and not meeting up to the expectations of a woman.
In is your fundamental right to live as a woman, feminine, soft and gentle, married and nursing and no one has a right to rob you of it.

When my daughter got her first contact with working class women without a husband and kids she came home and told me she was really scared. She did not want to end up like that.

Right now I am here fantasizing about my daughters marriage when the time comes and not her first job.

damiso you are so right about that and children can even break up a home.

My ex husband had a little girl, I loved her very much but she made life difficult for me. She was like two when she came to us.
Very often my ex would be want to go out on week end, maybe even briefly and he would suddenly storm out of the house with the child and they wouldn´t come back all day. She was like 6.
I never understood why and when he came back I would ask him why he was angry, if I had done anything to offend him and he gave no reply.
Then one day my ex travelled and I was about going out, the little girl came to my room and pleaded I should take her along. I said it was not possible, she started begging, fell on her knees and clung t my legs. I should please take her she was scared to stay with the nanny. I was so angry I ran out of the room . I had already let out my first yell to scold the nanny.
Then I stopped shot, that was what the child had been doing with the dad all this time and he was so mad at me and would storm out.
This was a child that was brought from the village and left with me at age two. I treated her just like my child carried her on my back, slept with her on my bed, just like I did with my kid`s.
I bought her more cloths than my daughter because she was older, however once a woman came to visit with cloths for sale from the states and only one sized her and two the little girl. I asked the woman to come next time with more of the big girls size. The child told her dad that I bought only one for her and should return one so that the little sister has only one. My ex supported it. Asked for the dresses so he would take one away.
I asked him to please take a look at the cloths the children have before taking the dress away. When he opened the wardrobe, he could not say anything. The bigger girl had so much more because , being older I paid more emphasis on her. I must add that all the cloths were bought with my money.
Once she went and spat her meat in the bin( as she usually did ) when my ex passed her by eating and asked why she had no meat she told him I did not give her meat. I got the beating of my life that day. When I could finally show him the meat, he just smiled at the girl and asked her why she lied.
My ex went really far. He even locked up milk and cornflakes just for her. I had no right to scold her and had to do everything just the way she wanted it. I got even more scared of offending her than offending the dad.
Whenever I make her hair she would sit quietly, as soon as she saw the dad she would start screaming that I was pulling the hair purposly and the dad would get mad at me and hit out at me, yet he would not allow the hair to be plaited by anyone else.
The one that shocked me the most was the bed wetting. She always slept with me and in the night she would wet like three four times and she told the dad that I poured water on the bed and sayed she wet Never could believe this could come from a child. That day was horrible. God I hurt for days phsically and mentally. The worse part of it was that I had to find a way of not letting the bed get wet again so that I don`t get into trouble. Desperate situations call for desperate measures. We had a dried out ram skin and it was rather scary for her. I told her I would put it o the bed for her to lie on if she ever wet the bed again. That child never once wet the bed again! This got me wondering if she was doing it intentionally, but can a child do such a thing. I remember when the mother brought her at two, she said she was bringing the child to punish me. God knows I don`t believe in all this remote control stuff but this matter was really above me.
When the marriage was finally over I had to leave without her, She grew up with more than 4 different step mums.
Years later she apologized for everything she did, I was the only mother she really had, no one ever showed her such love. I told her she was just a child and was not in any way responsible. It was the inability of the parents to handle the situation.

Honestly it takes the maturity and will of the man and the woman for a patchwork family to work out.

crowns2:
Indeed you are a fake. OP don't call the number if you love yourself. Who knows when the baby comes you might change your mind about this adoption thing. Just believe God. You never know what tomorrow holds. If you give up the baby now what of in a few years time when everything will be okay do you think the family will be ready to release the baby back to you?
Another option is to beg your uncle for money tell him your predicament then any money he sends use it to start trading.
Goodluck

The bonding to the child already takes place in the womb.

Certainly she does not want to give the baby away for free. >

If her story was true the family of the man will welcome the baby. The way we believe in reincarnation. They would see it as their son comming back.

Not a Nigerian factor. Is it as bad as taking Kid`s on motor bikes?

The man has to transport the child because the child cannot walk fast enough. Probably had no option.
Blame it on poverty.

Outstrip:
You simply can't blame men for everything. many of the men with this mentality have it because their wives are just as daft. Some women who know will even sit there and beg their in laws to give herone more chance to have a son so that the man does not try with another woman. I say Nigerian men are only as bad as Nigerian women let them be.

What would you have the woman do?

In most cultures the male children get all or most of the inheritance.
A woman that does not have a male chil looses out if the man produces a male outside.
Nigerian women are only suffering as much as the Nigerian men and culture let them suffer.

This issue of male child is deep in the culture and no man least of all a woman can be greater than the culture.So all she has to do is try and continue till she gets the male child.

There was this case of a woman that had 6 girls years back. The seventh was a boy the man came to the hospital and celebrated in a big way.
Then she got the 8th child. The man was at the hospital waiting. When he heard it was a girl he drove off with all the drinks and goodies in his car. He left the driver to attend to her. The woman kept calling for the husband , when she heard he left, she gave up her ghost. Must have been the blood pressure or God knows what.
It was so sad
Then I know another couple who had five girls the sixth was a boy with downs syndrome. The man put the boy in a very good school in Lagos, that was like in the early 90ties. The boy had his sit in the back of the class and would sleep through the lessons. He could`nt write or read but they kept promoting him - money talks. Poor child - what a way to torture a handicapped child.

estheremma:
Dis is what i would do if in her shoe,ill get a good job,make money,buy what i want or need,ill ignore what he buys if i dont need it,let him use it himself or it sits in d'refigerator until it gets spoilt,next time u would not buy what i dont/need,it will only make d'woman unhappy if she is a housewife,if its rice beans n'provisions no prob,but not things lyk spices and so on,my own opinion o,ayat me do!

Then the man will refuse to eat your food and then what...
Chain of events that lead to a break up of the marriage.

This is also the reason the woman is having this problem. If she would thank her husband for going shopping and show joy over the things he would certainly buy the few other things she requests for or give her the money to buy them.

Most men are like children. When you praise them they love it and try to please you the more. When you criticize they will go out of their way to even accelerate what they are doing to prove to you that you are wrong and that they are right.

You appear to be toying with men and testing your boundaries.

You certainly had the pants on in you other relationships.

So now you are playing the docile girl and your claws have been drawn in but what happens when you get married. The honeymoon is over and then you want your own way and he refuses. He also does not come begging.

Will you still accept that he is having his way.

dre11:
The stingy aspect by the man, and believing that the woman doesn't have the bargain powers he possess like the woman



But he does buy something cheap and on the other hand he buys it expensive
Also, she doesn't have control over the meal and time because sometimes she would have to wait for her husband to buy the ingredients before she cooks

That is what being submissive is all about.

You leave doing it your way. Yes it is harder and more time consuming but everything in life is not only about efficiency.

Reminds me of the story the elders tell of a young girl that was to be married and was sent to her future husbands home for observation. One day the goat escaped into the bush. Before the men could get their knives and sticks and run into the bush, the young girl ran into the bush and came out with the goat. She had slit the throat of the goat.
I don`t need to tell you how the story ended. She was sent home!

Yes she was smarter and faster than all the men but then she was too fast.

This lady has to learn to manage and cook what is in the house.
There was a day my husband came home late with the shopping. I really did not know what to cook. I boiled yam and made a stew with sardine, sliced onions, paprika and tomatoes into it. I actually wanted to "punish " him for coming late with the shopping. He really enjoyed the meal and asked me to make it more often. It reminded him of the good old days.

Just wondering because the man was the hunter and brought home the food /animal to be cooked.
Maybe this man is being really traditional

That is a ground for divorce in a court of law.

Depends on how long it has been going on.
It depends on the reason.
If I think my husband has been sleeping around and could infect me, then I am justified in denying him intimacy.

However if there is no genuine reason--- many fishes in the sea.

pickabeau1:
Once again.there is no understanding

Everyone has been unequivocally condemning the act

Its about the root cause yet you persist in your path of ridicule

I just understand why this is hard to understand.

This is so sweet. Lucky man!

dre11:
Preamble..... Someone talked this problem that was happening in her family



When two individual have taken the oath to become one body........ They are expected to do things together, work things out, discuss things and understand each other to make their relationship work.
The husband knows his responsibility and also the wife knows hers. But there are times we trying to spice up the relationship, help one another, relieve the other of his responsibility.... We find ourselves doing the supposed responsibility of our partner [which our society did make us believe]. This we do for a particular time due to some reasons and because we are enlighten that marriage works btw individual who work together to make it work.


But, when one element of the family (MAN) decides to take upon himself to take over the responsibility of buying, go to the market to purchase the essential and non essential things needed by the family.........

Is this action by the man morally or culturally right for him to take over such a duty of going to the market every time

Note: this issue had have effect on marriages and some do speak out while some just trying to manage the situation just to stay in the marriage

Intelligent contribution will be highly appreciated, thanks

Which oath the one at the altar? Even the church calls for the submission of the woman.

When one element decides to take upon himself


Hope you don´t talk like that to the man.

Why should his shopping affect the marriage?
By the way is she not cooking the food to please the man? I just don`t understand.
Cook the man what he has brought you to cook.When the kid`s get older they will start their own and also take over command of your kitchen. Then you find yourself cooking things you don`t like eating and missing out on things you love.
My kid`s love spaghetti. My 16 year old daughter was surprised when I told her recently that I don`t really like it and just cook and eat them because of the kid`s-
SO too it is with your husband. When a good wife cooks she is eager to please the man with the food.
Would you be happy to buy and cook things then the man is not pleased with it?

My husband does all the shopping and that is okay with me now but I had to get used to it. He misses out on many things but with time he learnt what I need and sometimes I give him a list or he calls from the shop. Lately I send one of the kids along- and that makes it better.

I have to admit it is really frustrating when you want to cook and something is missing and not just there the way you want it or the brand you like.

There are some wrong decisions we take and have to live with all our life.

The biggest mistake you made was sacrificing your love because of religious differences.
Love is strong enough to deal with religious differences.

Now just make the best of the situation.
Show your husband love and he will hopefully show love in return. He might notice that you have kept a part of yourself aware from him.
Please forget how rich your ex was and do not compare the two.

For the world outside your husband is as great as you take him to be.

bukatyne:
Interesting

Indeed interesting . The man made the first baby and then the second baby and one asks what is in the woman's mind.
The two are building a family.
The first wife has tolorated it so far so why all the pretence and blame on the second "wife". I choose to call her wife because she virtually is.

It still exists.

When a young man takes the bold step to marry an osu- that is courageous and noble.

When his children are born osu - that is..... . The children are born with the same stigma their mother had.
So would you be able to raise your kid`s strong enough to cope with this?

There are sacrifices that can be made for such a marriage to take place.
However this seems to be known by few and has till date been done only by the rich as far as I know.
Some very prominent Igbo Nigerians are Osu.

pickabeau1:
Mutter

continue being yourself and continue to advise on family values
Those who hear will hear

Dont let the family section quest to malign every post and person counter to their mainstream views affect you

Digging up personal history to discredit is really something.... These ladies

You are not the first and will not be the last

Thank you

Many women remain in an abused marriage so long because they are afraid and ashamed to speak up.
Not just because they are ashamed of the experiences they made but because people write them off as screwed up , weak and so on.

Initially you might get a little bit of sympathy but those that sympathize with you quickly turn round and throw it at you.
We are all human and all guilty of the same, things like this make us aware of our short comings and give us reason to think again.

Aisha is a wonderful lady and has done so much here, helping so many people in need. She is passionate about what she does and caring for the less privileged.
She wrote what she did not to hurt me but she was expressing her hurt for the victims, I respect that !

I hold her in high esteem and I hope you all do so too.

soulglo:
T

we are going to have to agree to disagree on this. There's nothing that you could possibly say to make me believe that it is good idea to let a child rapist walk free. Absolutely nothing.

I also agree with you absolutely rapist belong behind bars.
However in every situation there are various approaches and aspects to be considered.

Many years back in Germany a man abused a little girl and killed her.
When the case got to court in the sittings the man would laugh and sneer. His lawyer brought evidence to discredit the mother. She was loose, did not take care of the girl, and, and.
One day the mother came to court with a gun and shot the man dead. She got seven years. She just could not take it. After the pain of loosing a child, this was unbearable. Many consider this woman a hero.
So too it is in rape cases. Sometimes it gets to the police and then you end up having the picture of the victim in the news for all to see. - Who ever bothered to research in Nigeria the impact of such cases on the victim.
How is it when you go to court and the other lawyer puts you through cross examination to discredit you? Bringing up things from your past and that of your family?
How many women can stand that ordeal. That in itself is a rape on it`s own.
Look at for instance the case of Monica L. in the US then with Bill Clinton. I am sure that she suffered greatly after that exposure. This is the fate of victims.
And finally as I keep saying abused women have no respect in our society. That is the sad truth. You come out and admit abuse and people might appear to sympathies with you but then they always use it against you! You deserved it, you are screwed up and so much more.
Between black and white there are many shades.

soulglo:
An abused woman has no respect in society?? Oh Lawd. Who did this to you? Don't you even see that your mind set further traumatizes the victim and empowers the rapist? Do you even sense that? I used myself as and example and shame is never something I asdociated with it. My friends mother assaulted the lesson teacher who went in her panties and had him arrested. She has no shame with it. Do you see how the way you perceive things is greatly affected by what you were indoctrinated with. You are willing to let a rapist keep raping because of "shame" that you might feel. Not even in Nigeria is this acceptable. You live in a society that protects your children from things like this but you want to just fold your arms as say "such is life in nigeria". It is not right

This happens not only in Nigeria but everywhere in the world.
In fact in other parts of the world where the case has to go to court many victims do not report the case because they can`t deal with it. Many victims need years on end before they come out with it. They have to be ready to handle it.
You just need to understand that most people in Nigeria do not think the way you do about it.
I am just pointing out that it is not done by reporting to the police and then putting an article in the papers.

Children are a gift from God and God`s gifts are holy to him.

You have not even been blessed with your own child yet and are trying to run down the gift God has already given to the man.

show this child love and you will receive love and blessings.
The child will love you and nothing compares to the unconditional love of a child.

Also the man will love you more. If you treat the child bad the man will loose his love for you and show the child more affection. He may even bring back the mother since you cannot be a mother to the child.

Ask yourself, why should your child deserve to have it`s mother in the home and this child not?

Anyway good you are being honest about it so you can get advice.

soulglo:
But the whole neighborhood already knows. How is it protecting the child if the rapist gets away with it. He'll likely do it again and then what? Sweep it under the rug again? We can't keep sweeping these things under the rug. It needs to be reported EVERY TIME. Child molestation is very common in Nigeria and it's because people will not talk about it. Every single one of my friends including myself was sexually abused while living in Nigeria. Everyone of us. From uncles to lesson teachers, to house helps, to pastor. You name it. I challenge you to ask any if your Nigerian female friends who lived in Nigeria if they were ever touched inappropriately. Most if not all will say yes. Many will experience this before they even turn 10. Sexual abuse can happen anywhere but it is at epidemic proportions in Nigeria because people know they can get away with it.

I made my own experiences with it and you are absolutely right about that. But then at the end of the day.
What does it help you if the man is locked up and you are stigmatized and traumatized.
An abused woman or girl does not have any respect in the society. Then in court they try to tear you apart.
So much more needs to be done than just punishing the abuser. The girl/ woman has to be treated mentally and phsically.

soulglo:
You are a lucky woman. I would have slapped the madness out of your head for daring to interfere in what has absolutely nothing to do with you. Tear her to shreds lol. You must have sized her up and thought she would put up with your crap. If she's as crazy as you want to paint her she would have been the one to tear your nosey ass to shreds for interfering in her marriage. If anyone needs yo check her, it should be her husband. Concentrate on your own husband and stay out of people's marriages. I'm seriously not kidding. I would have kicked you in the head for even pulling me aside and trying to talk to me about my husband. You have lost your mind

She thanked me for the advice
I think she was kind of ashamed of the man. That I could stand up for the man and let her know how we respect him did her allot of good.