₦airaland Forum

incest_
I do not see the blood relationship between the two parties

Was it a case of drink what I order or you must try this?
I know that there are many soups my husband did not like when we got married, that I have "forced" him to eat now and the other way around.
What could have been the motive behind the tyre and phone?
Sure the guy has to shift a little but se has to shift a big deal.
Do you know that her action of asking a salesman and going ahead to buy the tyres, was offensive?
Some people just do not know how to open themselves to accept kind gestures.
Now Chaircover if this were your sister and at that age, what would you advise her to do? Bear in mind that the biological clock is ticking. Bear in mind that the tendency is that after a certain age, the offers that come ones way do not necessarily get better.
Why do I have the feeling that you would advise her on how to hold the man and mould him rather than to discard him.
Uju if this man is serious you better work the relationship, I hope you have apologised by now.
Relationships and marriages are like a bed of roses. You have to take the flowers with the thorns.
There is no perfect match, what does not fit perfectly must be fitted.

Macjive I am a Nigerian and fully conscious and aware of the laws and tradition.
In this case the child can identify the father.
At this time people will talk and wag tongues but at the end of the day when the child is there and grows most families claim their child. I have seen this happen very often.
This child is not born under any taboo circumstances. It is simply a child outside marriage.
Many children have grown to greatness, out of these circumstances.
I am not aware that such children are being taunted in school or undergo this kind of treatment you claim here. Do you know how many children are born out of wedlock in Nigeria? The number is increasing daily.

Aloy a man can tuck a ring away when he wants to and besides some women do not even care if a man is married.
Anyway, anyone looking at my man knows he is married even without a ring. He is 50 now
Besides I cannot swear for him but he has never ever given me cause to think he is cheating on me. Thank God this has never been one of the issues in our marriage.
My husband is not a possession and I have no control over him. His commitment to the marriage he carries inside him and not on his finger.

male and female

Invisible we are not saying he is dubious, just that it often is the case.
Well after a very tragic family experience, I have learnt that the best way to deal with such issues is not to even get involved.
When he starts entertaining these issues from them and listening to their preacher, he gets filled with fear. Mostly it is this fear that leads to his downfall. He will no longer think rationally and start having some Psycho problems.
Tell your friend not to entertain any more talk, no man can predict the death of another.
In this case, if you can`t beat them, avoid them.

Macjive,
your reincarnation theory is "interesting".
So now you want to use a bigger sin to cover up a smaller one.
When caught in the act of stealing by the owner, just kill him so that society does not label you a thief. What makes you think that child will never know the love of a father. Do you kow how the man will react when the child is born, do you know if another man is willing to play that roll.
What makes you think this child will be an outcast?
this way of thinking shows lack of respect for human beings.
A man should be judged by the contents of his character and not by the circumstances of his birth.
I am blaming the sister because she did not protect her home front well enough.

some things that give us a headache, when courting, end up being a remedy in marriage.
But let us assume that your headache-Migraine theory is right.
Then what is the cause of the headache in this case.
Is he a rigid man or a loving caring man that is taking his role as Protector and provider very seriously.
Is she a woman with a mind of her own or just a woman that is in conflict with wanting to be emancipated and self sufficient and not knowing how to appreciate the real role of a woman.
I do not want to be provocative but I think a woman at 33 should be happy to have a man who is so concerned. By the time the kids come both of them will have other avenues to focus their attention on.
Chaircover do you not think that this problem is nothing compared to other problems some men have?
What about the man who does not even care about the tyres? Who thinks that the woman should take care of herself?
The poster is at a ripe age for marriage and should be able to handle this situation without any headache.
anyway, whoever cannot stand migraines should not bother getting married.

Well if a young man makes such money, people re bound to be suspicious. In most cases too, there is something dubious at the very least attached to the source of the initial capital.
Rather than sell the house, he can rent another place for himself. A cute little place and live a modest life for now and not flaunt his wealth.
Also he needs to watch himself because as has been rightly pointed out, death may be the ultimate price.
Also I think he has to became very active in his religious life.
But you know something, the mother is not playing a neutral role. She is indirectly supporting this behaviour from his siblings. How would she watch the break into the house and have taken no action before the young man came, she only mentioned it, when he asked.

I must have one of those rare marriages because, we did not get wedding rings for our marriage.
Our bond is sealed in our hearts and not on our fingers.
At some stage we decided that maybe we would get rings at our tenth anniversary, but when the time drew near, we had this feeling that it might bring us bad luck.
Strangely enough, not having a wedding ring makes me feel more bonded. How can a piece of cold lifeless metal symbolise my love.

That is why I advice all young men to get married and start having kids, before the money starts really flowing. If he has a wife and kids, they would be put in their place. For now they are regarding themselves as his "Heirs".
When he has kids they will realise that the have nothing to gain by harming him. That is why they are against the marriage.
Advise your friend to get married fast and pray that the marriage is blessed with a kid fast. If need be let him do a small and secret wedding, later he can do it in a big way.

Ivynwa
We are all entitled to our opinions but what is wrong in Gods eyes will always remain wrong, and no man made law or opinion can change that.
Our first duty as humans is to preserve life. We did not give it so we should not take it.
Where possible, preserve life.
Both the father and mother have that duty.
All other issues will be resolved or remain unresolved. But that will not hinder this child from growing up and taking its place on earth, like every other human.
Macjive; to the best of my knowledge, this is not incest. Men have been known to marry two sisters.

Ujujoan,
let me give you one advise you would do well to take to heart.
Most women say allot of things but what happens on their home front is totally different.
This " I can never take it, " it`s all lies, sometimes unconscious lies, Most women take allot of shit.
You know all these things you have written so far, I cannot fault this man in any way.
Look at it this way- are two not to be one. So why do you not let him pick the tyres just because you are the one driving the car.
My husband is that way. He takes allot of decisions that, I sometimes felt, should actually not interest him. Sometimes it is something so trivial like the soap we use, or he insists on not replacing the dishwasher. Sometimes one would thing he is totally in control. However with many real important things he gives me my freedom to do it my way.
Well what I did  is when I know he would say no, I just go ahead and buy it without telling him first. When he asked I would tell him I mentioned it, but he was probably not listening to me as usual. After sometime he confronted me, on this tactic and I told him, I knew I could not do it when he said no, so I decided to opt for the lesser evil of doing it without telling him. I turned the tables on him telling him he had instilled so much fear in me that I had to go sneaking behind his back like a child. Well I got what I wanted without hurting his ego. Over the years it has became easier.
I realised that we women sometimes take men so seriously. I hardly get into arguments again because I avoid serious confrontation but mostly use teasing and laughter to get my way- When he gets angry, I hug him and tell him how much I live him and make jokes about it. Later on when tempers are calmed we can talk it out.
You need to learn the secret of moving a man to think that your decisions are his. You need to learn to succumb sometimes. In a relationship compromise is the key word. There are things we compromise and a few we don`t. Words are very powerful and when you learn to speak his language, communicate on his level, he will lean to listen.
You have a caring man wanting to change your tyres. You did not accept that offer? You hurt him with what you did. Letting him know you can handle it. The tyres he wanted, would have done it too.
Certainly women have a better intuition than men but a woman needs to let a man take decisions and also stand by him when the mistakes are made.
I believe that when this man realises that you also respect his opinion, then he will relax.
By he time you accept some of his ideas, I am sure that when you tell him I know you are right but I would love to have it this way, he would not have anything against it.
So what you need to do now, is to apologise to him, for having slighted him.
You might be loosing a good man for nothing.
I know it is hard when one has been independent, to adjust to a man, but you can learn to do so. Men are like children in many ways and when you understand that, you can cope better. When you really love, you can find it easier to make compromises.

Arun-NGO,
I think it is wrong of you to advise a woman to have an abortion.
this is a matter that no human being should decide for another. It is a sin in the eyes of God and you have just stuck your hand into a pot of guilt.
That unborn baby no matter how you define it medically, is a child, a human being because without human intervention it would one day be born.
Why are we actually blaming the woman so much?
Lets face facts if I am not attracted to a man he cannot seduce me. If he appears before me naked, I would be even more disgusted. The man is just as well to blame, if not even more.
He should also to some extent be made to face his responsibilities.
The Sister/ wife can rant and rave but on the other hand if she were observant she would have maybe had a sort of premonition about what would happen.
Poor woman, we say she is pregnant? But the sister is pregnant too, and for her this must be an ordeal too.
All three of them are to blame.
Most times when calamities occur, there are signs that signal their coming and the three of them ignored the signs.
No matter how people wag their tongues it would not be the first time. When the child is born people would accept the situation with time.
At age 33 I certainly think that any woman aborting a child is silly, because she might not be blessed with another one.
This woman needs to stand up to and face the consequences. Give birth to the child and be proud of her child and give the child love. In years to come she would be grateful she took the right decision.
All I am against actually is her exploiting the situation.
I personally would not get the father of my child involved in a police case but try to settle it outside, because as the father of my child I would wish him to progress in life and not be the cause of his downfall.
As for the woman not leaving the house. As far as I am concerned, no need getting the police involved. The man wants her there otherwise she would have been out by now.

I was pleasantly surprised to even be mentioned here.
But please do not put me up for nomination, at least not this time around.
I haven`t be active for so long and trying to cope with longer work hours and so many kids has indeed taken "the fire out of my belly".
I would like to nominate Caircover because she is real mother figure and I admire that in her. Her advice is mature and tampered with the tenderness of a mother and wife,

Little Kiemute
God loves you so much and has called you into his Kingdom.
The Vacuum you have left behind can never be filled.
But your love and every day shared with you, was a gift from God.
God calls his children when it pleases him.
I guess he missed you so much and wanted you back.
May God give your family the strength and faith to bear this loss
believing strongly that one day, we shall all meet to part no more.
May you little, tender and innocent soul rest in peace.

this young man has a gift from God.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2O55SSpKP0&feature=related
This made my day.

As an organisation I want to believe you recieve donations.
You have an obligation to use the money donated, for what it is intended.
I do not think any donor would be pleased to know hi/her money is going to be spent sending a pregnant woman to Canada.
What you need to do is send the woman away because these problems are not for you to sole.

The part at the end got me confused.
Is she trying to be erotic?

Gestapo, how much is too much? Do you know a law that is morally correct that stipulates a number?
Do you know of any religion. Do you want us to make laws with mathematical calculations. Is having kids a prerogative of the rich? Maybe the poor should be sterilised?
Invisible, I guess you should know that not only kids of poor people are criminal.
Should we put children in a world where death comes last. In a world with sickness, pain and war? Where do you want to draw the line.
Do you belive that money is all that children need

it is a reason. And some people may opt for it others not.
Another question entirely is if this reason is humane.
I just feel so terribly sorry for women who get frustrated and ridicule because they don`t have a child. To live in such agony. If both parties can accept the situation the marriage can survive and also be a happy one.

Dis guy. IS this problem exclusive to only families with many kids?
I think not.
This is a general problem when people have no money.
Why complain about these parents.
No demand no supply.
If people would not take these minors as househelps, no one will be able to enslave their child.
These parents are doing it out of desperation and poverty.
We could blame the society. A country like Nigeria should be able to conveniently offer free education and even free feeding to all kids in Nigeria.
I do not understand why we are so blinded.
Every child in Nigeria should have access to free education, health , food and shelter, irrespective of their parents income. Nigeria is in a position to afford this.
Instead politicians are helping to defraud these People of their birthright.
Sometimes I ask my self how the masses can be so naive and tolerate this. Everyday innocent Nigerians and the hands of many are stained with their blood.
I think instead of condemning people that have many kids and trying to check a natural right to procreate given to man by God, we should rather condemn those responsible for these children not having access to the fruits of the world.
Fact is there is enough to go around, if shared fairly.

annita do you want to tell me that the governmental Benefits are a way of making money? Is it not allot easier to get a job? Kids are a 24 hour job and very stressful as that.
Anyone that really raises a kid, providing also for activities outside school and giving their kids a good standard of education, will be able to tell you that you cannot make money from having kids.

jokytech,
why do you think people use children as soldiers in some countries. They do not know the implication of their acts or even what death is.
The couple belong behind bars for abuse and child labour.

Maybe just a desperate act of a little girl who has been handed around like a slave and faced so much rejection and harsh treatment.
Has that little girl ever known love in her life?
She needs help.

Even it was spontaneous. Two pics obviously on the same day. Maybe it was a wedding and they had seen the bride and groom kiss?
Well quite honestly I have never noticed this kind of show of affection between my kids.
I cannot really say there is something wrong. I would not feel comfortable with it, especially if it were to be frequent. think I would discourage it.

Francis,
I can understand how you feel and your problem is not a unique one. Many kids born and brought up abroad cannot really relate to Nigeria, through no fault of theirs. Even as a kid it baffled me in Nigeria to watch with what resentment kids that came back from abroad were treated at school. They often got laughed at and ridiculed  and at the end of the day it was all jealousy. many of them never learnt to speak he language because they got constantly laught at.
The problem will solve itself. Because when you get married things change for your future generation. If you marry a British somewhere along the line the Nigerian part fades more and more. If you marry a Nigerian she might be able to give that culture to the world.
I think the world needs more people like you - people who are neutral and free from strong affiliations and prejudices.
You know patriotism is not anything you can force on yourself. It comes naturally. Sometimes it just has to be the right time.
It actually surprises me that people find this topic boring. For those living abroad their kids might soon be facing the same problem. I wish some positive replies will come here with concrete advice because it could be of help to many readers.
I think to be patriotic towards this earth we live in is far more significant and important than being a British or Nigerian.

This would have been a chance for other Nigerians help you cross this hurdle but instead we laugh and ridicle.

Well maybe you should just vote in a law to sterilise poor people so they do not have any kids at all.
I find some of the comments here really discriminatory. I think everyone has an option on how many kids they have.
I have many kids too and I certainly do not live on welfare. We both work and my kids certainly do not have to work.
I have quite a few friends who have many kids too and they face some rather silly views in the society. Most of these couples are educated and income earners. How many families are on welfare and they do not have many kids? How many with just one kid and the do not even bother getting a job?
There are people who have just one or two kids. The kids do not do well in school and lack social competence.
I thank God that my kids make me really proud to of them. I was at a feast with them today. While other mothers were busy running after their kids, I was having my fun.
My kids are also not on the world today because we don`t have a TV or cannot afford contraceptives but because we took that conscious decision to have them. We love having out house full, there is never a boring moment. They also have their social activities and are certainly not deprived.
When I get older I pray I will have my house filled with laughter from my grandchildren. I think our pension will be enough to maintain I do not see my children as my pension.