₦airaland Forum

The divorce can take place in the UK. The court in the UK will apply the Nigerian law. It is as simple as that. The documents will be served the woman through the UK Embassy in Nigeria. If her whereabouts are unknown they will be placed at her last known address.
The issue however is that if he wants to marry a Nigerian again, he has to get the divorce from the UK endorsed in a Nigerian court.

I do not really believe that what kids watch must have such influence on them to excuse such a thing. The problem is more lack of parental guidance in certain areas or out dated guidance. This boy has a natural sexual urge. Somehow the parents did not do their job right in educating him how to deal with it. Most kids just get told, sex is wrong, masturbation is a sin. The hide their urges and then it grows to an unhealthy level. This is especially the case if the boy is not "cool" enough to get a girl willingly. We need to be able to talk to our kids honestly. Explain to them that those urges and desires are normal. We also need to tell them how to deal with it and get the feeling to subside.
We need to stop instilling in our kids that sex is evil. I tell my kids that it is one of the most wonderful things in the world, when it happens between two people that love each other. When that is not the case it can be disgusting and repulsive. It certainly also helps to let the kids be aware of the consequences of playing adult games.
In this boys case it is unpardonable really because he planned his actions and took pains to carry them out.I could maybe understand if the girl was older and they were intimate that he lost control. That would however also not justify his act.

Maybe both are to blame but:
In most cases the mother spends more time with the kids in the young formative years and the seeds that are planted grow into plants that are difficult to uproot later.

Basically yes, but I still make some subtle exceptions.
I don`t let my girls carry up the heavy shopping, when I have boys and I send the boys to go with the girls, when it is getting dark.
There is also some advice specifically meant for boy and some meant for girls.
You can`really treat them totally the same because the society outside does not either so you have to equip them for that.

harakiri in a diplomatic compromise the weaker party is offered a few crumbs that he can survive, even if he does not necessarily fell saturated. the question here is-who is the weaker party.
A man that can kick out his mum can also kick out his wife. I have seen this pattern very often in Nigerian men. Some of them stand by their wife`s and throw their mum or relations out in the cold, but one day sooner or later they bounce around, blame the wife and make peace with their family and then the wife is on the receiving end.
Rubi, you are right except a husbands mother is not a stranger. She is in a position of influence in her sons life, in life and even in death.

Harakiri,
this is not about pretence. When you go into a battle the weapons and strategies you use determine your success. I have in my life had to deal with very difficult cases and clients on a professional level and I can tell you this in all honesty.
One of the easiest ways to win a battle against ,especially against an African is to provoke him or her. Once you succeed in provocation you win the battle. This because the African often reacts aggressive and emotional. This is in our nature. At that point, the initial issue is forgotten and the case has another dimension. this tactic is very often applied by whites in defeating blacks, and especially by the police etc.
You see when someone is being rude and obnoxious you have to force him to be polite and reasonable and the only way you do this is by remaining calm, polite but still concious your rights. This way you force the other person to be polite and come down or I rather would say up to your level.
I have applied this method very often and it works. The great thing about this method, is that you don`t get upset but have fun in the process. In one case the woman just shook her head and said to me,"don`t you get it, I am being very rude?". I smiled and replied, "I know madam, but I shall not let that rub off on me"". She apologised and told me she had a bad day and the meeting went on successfully. this method also works in private relationships and I would advise you to try it out. It makes you superior and in control of every situation. You also do not run into danger that the initial issue is shrouded by other issues created while trying to solve the initial issue.
As some great philosopher said, "modesty is the greatest form of conceit".
Reacting aggressive, impulsive or emotional means you have lost control of the situation.

This is only her side of the story, we have not heard the other side.
How do we know this lady did not somehow contribute to the mil`s feeling towards her.
We can only try to find a logical explanation for what happened.
Some of the comments here are rebellious and demanding for fair play but you just might end up playing yourself out of your home.
It just does not work that way in a nigerian marriage.
Even the man that swears lover everlasting to his wife will one day turn against her, if his family is against her. It is is just a matter of time.
This is one battle no woman has ever won.

Many women have been in such positions were everything one did was seen as wrong, but with patience and wisdom one can overcome this.
Mostly with time these issues resolve themselves and the woman's position is secured among her in-laws. In marriage it is not always about wrong and right in every argument but about peace and stability in the marriage.
The question here is what the woman can do and not what her husband can do. Maybe that is why we only addressed the woman's side.
Jennykadry the woman is in a difficult situation , having just had a baby and with a tear no doubt about it, but she still could have managed to keep the situation under control with the help of her husband. If she was too weak she could have accepted help from her MIL. I am sure the MIL would have helped out if asked properly. So what if she nags about everything. Many of us have parents who are real nags and we deal with it. What was missing in this case was the acceptance of the MIL.
I think you should read Chaircovers initial post once more.

@ Poster
You know when we human beings want to do something wrong, we try to look for a reason to justify it.
What your husband did happened so long ago before you even got married to him.
Now suddenly after years of marriage you are bringing it up.
Well you may wish to start an affair but any man that comes your way is just out for fun or a kick and you might end up being disgusted at yourself at the end of the day.
After over a decade of marriage sex life can get boring if you do not work on it.
You need to try out new things with your husband and learn to kindle the fire again. A marriage needs to be worked on. If you both put in effort you might find yourselves giggling like new lovers.

dayokanu
as I said it is not something everyone should do and if you do not have what t takes, stay away.
I have an intact family here with my husband and kids. Certainly my kids have a biological father somewhere but my husband is the father that is there for then everyday. He carried them when they were young, spent nights in hospital wit the boys when the were sick, does their homework and everything else a father should do.
My kids appreciate and love him as a father and they do not question their authority.
Now maybe you can imagine that when the kids are doing well, the ex will be grateful that his kids are doing well and not want to jeopardise that.
The advantages my husband had, were that I already had experience as a mother and knew how to manage a household. I think that I also had experience to appreciate his qualities allot more. His kindness to my kids made me love him a great deal more and I would never refuse him anything because he deserves only the best.
I do not think we have a problem with my kids identifying with their roots, after all my husband did not adopt them. Call it charity if you want. Charity is not every mans thing. In fact I even have my nephew living with me so my husband must be very charitable.
I did ask my husband once how he felt about it and he said, it was important for him to be with a woman that makes him happy, that for him children are a blessing and always a source of joy.
Certainly my husband spends money on my kids, but why should that be an issue. As I said initially we support one another. My husband has trained so many of his junior ones, financed their studies even abroad and for that he got allot of support and encouragement from me. He also is constantly helping extended family members and I also encourage him there.
So maybe we just are a charitable family, but that is the way we made our bed and so we lie on it.
@ Chaircover, I guess most people will always have problems with it and they are justified, in that case stay away from it because you only do more harm than good.

@ Chaircover, if my story can motivate others to make the right decision then it is worth sharing.
When I got married to my husband quite a few of his friends and their wife`s were pessimistic, even my family felt he was going to use me and dump me. My family did not believe that it would work out. In fact after my divorce my fathers prayer was that God would give me the strength to take care of my kids alone. But I told him if it was Gods will I would get married again.
The very first time I laid eyes on my husband, I saw him at a distance, had not even spoken a word to him. I said a prayer to God," this man is going to be my husband". I went home and called my sister and told her I had seen a man I was going to get married to and she said I was crazy. I was just so certain about it. When I told my husband this after we got married he had a good laugh, he felt he was the one that did all the work in getting the relationship started. I never let him know how I felt initially.

Your friend has to do some hard work.
Now it is not unusual for people who are deeply seated in traditional religion to consult a herbalist about serious issues in their family and her MIL cannot be blamed for the answer the herbalist gave her.
This reminds me of an incident with my DIL. She came to visit me with my son and told me she had consulted a fortune teller who had told her to beware of me because when the chips are down I would side my son. I had a good laugh and told her she did not have to consult anyone I could have given her that answer myself. A mother would always stand to her son and go into confrontation if she feels the woman in the house is doing her no good.
Why was her MIL there after she gave birth. For obvious reasons to do the Omugo and help and certainly not to be cooked for. Something must have gone terribly wrong. Your friend might have done something to offend her or hinder her from carrying out those duties.
It was a grievous mistake allowing her husband to work his mother out because of her and it is understandable that the father is mad. That was an insult on the family at large.
So your friend needs to correct some mistakes. The easiest way of correcting a wrong is apologising and asking for forgiveness. This she has to do, if possible with the aid of her parents in a formal way.
Now when she called her sister, did she call her to help her in the chores? Hardly I would say. She called for her sister to give her backing in confronting the MIL. If the sister was mature, she would have insisted on peace and the MIL would not have felt that her people were taking over the home.
Now to the issue of the visitors. This is a good opportunity for your friend to make amends and show she is a good wife. If she is working she can take some days off and give her guests a befitting welcome and the necessary hospitality.
This could be a time of joy and growing closer to the family. So what if there are 10 people, The work is not exactly times 10, you still cook the same pot of soup only bigger.
When you marry a man you need to accept him with his family.
This is a confrontation she cannot win. She needs to be wise and patient and pray for Gods guidance. Those visitors will come and go but the impression they take along can last a lifetime. If she treats the brother and his family well he will chip in a good word for her to the family. I mean she is a young wife and people learn and make mistakes when they get married. You just need to work on them and correct them.

Chaircover
My kids never even knew I was having a relationship with my husband before we got married because I did not want to introduce them to anyone and then maybe it did not work out. He was just an uncle visiting. We only started a real relationship, when it was certain we wanted to get married. Towards the end it was difficult because he would sneak in when the kid kids have gone to bed and I would make him leave in the early hours in the cold winter.
So it came as a surprise to them when I told them I was getting married. They were not pleased initially but we did not put pressure on them , like call him daddy. My husband was patient and let them get used to him and initially did not interfere much but would talk to me alone if he felt something was not okay. The two younger ones adjusted very fast but my first child was more on confrontation. I made it clear to him that this was my marriage and he had to show my husband the same respect he showed me and even more, if he did not come to terms with it he had the option of moving to his dad or grandparents. When he realised that I meant every word he quickly conformed.
It was very important that we always confronted the kids with one voice.
Initially I sometimes felt he was rather strict on them, but as our mutual kids came and started growing I realised that he gave them the same treatment. Now I am sure he loves his own kids more and this is natural but he does not differentiate and that is the most important thing.
I think it might be easier for a man to marry a woman with kids because at the end of the day the woman spends most of the time with the kids. I mean by the time my husband comes home I have already handled most issues so I just inform him and he calls the kids and talks to them. I must add that he is very patient and never raises his voice, yet the kids are scared of offending him.
My husbands parents are both dead and he is the first child. coming from a polygamous home he has over 20 younger ones and that was a real financial burden and one of the reasons he had not been married till then. His family did not actually have anything to say because they had a great deal of respect for him because he had always been very responsible and was like the head of the family. They were of cause surprised because I was they exact opposite of the kind of woman they expected him to get married to. He is very conservative and religious and I grew up rather liberal.
I have always had a very good relationship with my in-laws. That is not difficult because I really like them, they have always been nice to me and I promised my husband from the start that I would assist him, with his responsibilities. Thank God now they are all grown up and the last girl is married. The first ten years of marriage were hard. The financial burden and otherwise was tremendous.
The much younger ones were really scared of their big brother and did not have this closeness. The little sister told me she had no memories of her mum so I had to work on my husband to get closer to his younger ones and tell them more about their parents and really find out how they feel and think. I think they appreciate that I broke the ice between them and their brother.
I think the only reservation his extended family had was if I was going to have kids for him but God has blessed our marriage with kids.-4 boys and three girls, so that issue is settled too.

Women certainly deliver at 42.
I had my last child with 43 and the pregnancy went without complications.

Getting  married to a partner with kids is a real committment and I would really advise anyone who is not cut out for it to stay clear. If you try going into it and do not have the characteristics it takes you would end up hurting the woman and the kids who are actually innocent.
So I do not condemn anyone who does not feel up to it but rather as a single mother one should appreciate the honesty. The is noting more terrible than going into it and then it ends a disaster.
When I remarried I brought three kids into the marriage and my husband had never been married before and did not have kids either. I actually was not even considering getting married again but I guess it was meant to happen. My husband knew about the disadvantages but he also saw advantages in it.
My decision to marry him was not a yes for me alone but also for my kids because the are my absolute priority.
The marriage has worked out fine till now and we have a house filled with kids.
To make it works both partners have to work at it. I also had to make sure that I and the kids accept his role as father even when it sometimes was not easy initially. He also had to make sure he treated all kids fairly. This has worked out fine and most of the issues raised here, have never been a topic in our marriage.

You better look for a man who accepts you the way you are from the start, that way you avoid problems later.
I think there are a lot of men out there today that are very modern and can accept a woman who has a good career.
Many men also have no problems about marrying a woman with a kid/kids.
Anyone that has a problem with it is not worthy of you.
I totally agree with all the posts that have been posted.

The girl is giving you trouble?
She is just doing what most girls at that age do.
Have you ever considered that she is following various men because she is in search of love and affection she might not be getting at home.
Now she is pregnant she needs the support of her family and not condemnation.
Her food tastes like poison?
What a viscous thing to say about a young girl. Many girls at that age cannot cook for a family.
Since the age gab between you and the girl is so little, you should have been close to her and advise her like a big sister or a friend.
That child is motherless and needs love and attention, you need to do better than this.
Take her in your arms and give her the strength and courage she needs now.

I guess your homones must be acting up otherwise you would not be thinking of leaving the marriage. This problem can be solved with discretion and patience.
Your man is very frustrated.
I need to tell you the way you wrote I can read behind the lines.
Poor woman, pregnant and having to work to foot the bill. This arouses the sympathy of almost every reader.
However it is very possible that you are rubbing it in and your husband does not have any esteem left, because you make it so obvious that he cannot foot the bills.
It is in the nature of man to be the provider, supporter . Now in the modern day world this role can be taken away from him through this word called unemployment.
This is the time a wife shows her husband even more respect and even more acknowledgement.
Well if you were not talking to him and kept rubbing it in how busy and tired you are.
So maybe you need to work on yourself too. Sadly most women find it almost impossible to give the man his respect, when he is out of a job. If this is the case I can imagine the man even going so far as to think you are hindering his progress, so that you can ride on him.
And another thing you need to bear in mind - pregnancy is not a sickness.
Just the other angle, may not apply in your case.

Chaircover no disrespect meant to anyone.
I have just seen so many instances in life where people think they are leaving for rosy pastures only to find a bigger burden.
many of them come back lamenting.
I do not expect my postings to meet every time with everyone's approval.
Sometimes you need to see cases to know that life can be very mysterious. I can give you so many real lie experiences.
Gestapo we will never know the answers to many questions on earth.
Why at all does God make innocent children disabled or sick. Does any child deserve it?
I was basically trying to explain that the poster might step into a much bigger problem than he has already.
I am not an expert on religion, can only speak from what I have seen without judging.
Does the bible not say that the sins of the father are visited on the children.? What does this mean. Maybe you can explain better.

Jennykadry now what is not for real here.
It is indeed painful and mean for the in-laws to encourage him to have a male child outside and that is what makes a few women go outside to bring children for their husbands, when there is no issue or no male child.
But that aside. Does a child not have a right to his father, his name, his family.
Even if the woman rejects what difference does it make. This child is the first male chid and accepted by the husband and his family.
The woman accepting the child would only bring harmony in the home on the long run and make the children grow up to love each other.
If I were in the same situation I would not let my hurt get in the way of depriving my kids a brother or my husband a on.
I have seen cases like this were women accepted the children outside and showed them love and helped make something out of them. these children grew to love their step mums so much and would move the world for them.
Do you know the faith of that child tomorrow. He may be a pillar to his siblings and family. The case of the stone the builders rejected.
I have also seen cases where the child was rejected by the step mum and these children when the grew up were only targeted at destroying the woman and her siblings.
Do you know what a child is? An innocent human being that also has fundamental human rights.
You need to have an overall view of the situation.

@ poster please be patient and try to think things over again.
When a marriage has broken down irretrievably it`s time to say goodbye.
Many men and women get married when they first come to a foreign country out of desperation. When this desperation is no longer there, the need for a partner of ones choice arises.
Many bi - national marriages do not stand the test of time.
While I cannot condemn you, because it is obvious you care about hurting the woman, I would still suggest that you take another look at this marriage. Maybe it can still be saved.
I know quite a few men tat married from Nigeria after being married over here, but I can tell you many of them are living in hell. The women they have are showing them hell. Some could not get kids and some got handicapped kids. Nemesis has a way of catching up on us.

Whatever happened to "stand by your man"
This woman is being unfair and allowing her family to abuse the husband is plain stupid. She looses her respect in the family.
What a shame really.
I hope the situation changes for you.
She would have won a lot of love and appreciation by respecting you as the man even in hard times.

Please can someone explain to me how this was wicked?
I mean the man had a child outside and that was not ideal but at the end of the day that child is his flesh and blood and has a right to his father.
The in-laws came to appeal to her. What is wrong with that.
Children are never to blame. If the woman loves her husband and her own kids would she deprive them of the joy of a son/ brother?
Is that boy not a brother to her kids. She should accept the child even if she is not happy with the situation.

Ujujoan since you invited me into this topic, I shall not disappoint you.
@ Poster. sometimes when we seek advise we do not lay all the cards on the table and I know that can be cumbersome when writing in a forum. But even if you do not write anything here, you need to examine the situation.
Did you cheat on your husband during the marriage?
Did you do anything before the marriage that you hid from your husband? I mean something that you know that would have made him change his mind about marrying you if he knew. Something rather serious.
If the answer is yes, you need to go to your family and look for a way to beg him.
If you know that this is something he will never forgive, try to dissolve the marriage because it will only bring you pain in the long run.

Now if none of the above apply you have a serious problem on your hands and one you should not try settling alone. This man is not ready for marriage and definitely not with you or maybe not now.
You are still young and do not have a kid so better look for a solution now.
Even marriages that start rosy can became difficult over the years, but now it is already a battlefield.
No human being has a right to keep you so miserable and believe me it is agony what you are going through now.
Please hid the advise of other posters and make this a family issue.
If you were my daughter I would take you out of that house immediately and wait for the man and his people to render me explanations about what is going on. They would have some serious explaining to do and a hard time convincing me why this marriage should not be put to an end.
Don`t forget you still have a family that loves you and that will stand by you in this issue.- at least I pray you do.
Be strong and pull this true, do not make the mistake of believing that the more you please him the more chance you have that he will change. He will only feel contempt, because there is more behind his behaviour that the efforts you are putting into the marriage.

Dot rush anything give yourself time. All that glitters is not gold

Please go ahead with you intentions. That she alls you uncle does not matter. Very soon she will start calling you daddy.
I know many women who refer to their husbands as daddy, or other such names. There are quite a few women who do not address their husbands by name.
The age gap is not too much. Infact it`s quite okay

I wonder what the last three posters find so unusual about that.
I also have pictures of my ex - one cannot deprive a child of its fathers pictures.
I may be a wife and he my husband but we are still people with a past and present.
The same way we both have friends of the opposite sex. Childhood friends and friends one made along the way.
Maybe if people could me more tolerant in marriage and not try to rid the other party totally of his identity, marriages would be a lot happier.
I can assure you being faithful has never been an issue in our marriage. Sometimes there is a little bit of jealousy but that is healthy.
I am actually surprised at this reaction from emancipated women.