₦airaland Forum

@ poster-
It is better to be unhappy with a man you love than unhappy with a man you do not love.

Since the are no children involved the decision is easy. Get your true love to return the bride price and apologise to the other man.
Yes you are hurting him by leaving him but you hurt him more by staying with him when your hart is with another. Even in marriage the body will follow the mind and you will probably end up cheating on him.

congratulations CC.
you really deserve this Pokal.
Lot`s of advise here that can be of great use.

Yes you love the guy BUT
They guy does not love you enough, at least not enough to accept you now you have a kid for someone else.
That is what he is politely telling you by telling you to be happy with the father of your child.
Sometimes we love and then we have to part.
Cherish this love in your heart, and think back on it.
But if you try to grasp it again, it will turn bitter and hurt you.
You have a good man do not throw that away. You might just be ending up with none.
Just tell yourself, it is not worth it ruining your family for a love that did not want you enough.

Did the sister and wife just march into the house to beat her?
Maybe things escalated or an argument took place.
Now I am not a man and so I cannot tell you what my reaction will be as a man but as a woman I can tell you that I would never let it degenerate to such a level that it get`s physical.
Most times people get physical after words have been exchanged.
While I defiantly condemn the action of the mother and SIL I also see some fault in the wife.
She probably could have contributed to the issues escalating.

Chaircover that was W_I_C_K_E_D 
I have learnt a new one. Pity world cup is not a regular thing.

Yes Chaircover overdoing this friendship thing can be a disaster and parents have to know how to maintain their role. Children also need authority and kids get insecure and scared when they feel they have to take decisions by themselves and that parents are not in control.
Some parents are scared of disciplining their kids especially in countries where the police stands at your door at the slightest hint of abuse.
I remember my daughter at age 16 got into this speak-back/ cheeky phase. I cautioned her several times not wanting to get physical on her at that age. then one day the camels back broke. I ran after her and started taking of my top and bra. I told her that since we are now mates we have to strip naked and see each others unclothedness. Afterall we were now both women. I will never forget that horrified look on her face.
Thank God for her, that my husband came out and held me back.
MY methods can sometimes be radical but the work.

Most parents try to do what they think is best for their kids. Very often we misplace priorities and make mistakes.
I think the best parents are those who know they are not perfect and strive to make changes.
That is why I find it difficult to condemn parents.
Maybe these parents are hardly around but there are parents who spend much time at home but are actually doing little with the kids.
Naijafrend is absolutely right. Parents and children should be friends. I could not have expressed it better.
The problem is that familiarity breeds contempt and kids that are close to their parents also tend to answer back etc. I guess that is the price for the closeness and one has to have a healthy balance.
I do not believe in kids being totally submissive but I expect them to be analytical and know -it first has to be right in Gods eyes and then what Mom or dad say.
No point breaking a kid and expecting that kid to be a leader tomorrow. I also expect my kids to tell me where I have wronged and I thank God I have the sense to apologise when I go wrong. That is what makes out friendship, trust and understanding and mutual respect and regard.
the mistake most parents make is that they believe their kids are their property and they have a right to do with them as they please.
I feel so sorry for these parents, they are missing out on some beautiful moments n the lives of their kids.

Please this lady and her husband do not have marital problems and do not need advise on their marriage.
They problem they both have are.
lack of manners and respect. Many youths are sadly lacking in upbringing.
They need to learn to communicate with each other with respect and regard.
They probably have this kind of problems outside as well.
And lady, your husband has no need to apologise for slapping you because you both probably go about hitting each other and raining each other with abuses.
Learn to behave yourself like a lady and your husband will probably learn from you how to behave.
Till date you both are communicating in a rather wild way, without manners, respect and regard.
As a woman you will not have the nerves to continue at that pace much longer, which is probably what is happening now and you seek a change.
BUT the Language change in the house has to come from you. Start now talking to your husband decently and believe me in a couple of weeks this marriage will be blooming.

Take this advice real serious and I know it is not easy to change your language and control temper. You will still have setbacks. But if you prevail it will became a part of you.

unsureirl,
please grow up!!!
That is the best advice i can give you.

Why did you go spying on your husband and looking into his phone without his permission?
That was stepping ou of bounds.
Then you got so mad that- you decided to have a dialogue with him or rather you confronted him because you probably did all the talking.
Now this may seem hard but when you go complaining about your husband, most people just end up laughing at you once you turn you back. Please try to maintain respect for your family and stop exposing your family to ridicule.
Either you can`t stand it and live or you contend with it.
Most men that are like that have probably always been like that and I almost believe you accepted him that way, believing he would change.
If you intend contending with it stop nagging and begging and just play your role as a wife. That way you may have some success.
Darling welcome and not where have you been?
You are not the first woman and you are not going to be the last. You may not be able to stop him but you can maintain your dignity.
Personally I would not tolerate a man cheating because that is for me a health hazard.

You did the right thing.
Was it not bad enough that they got a big favour and were inconveniencing everyone?
The least they could have done is show appreciation and be helpful.
As far as I am concerned you should have taken this step long ago.

His parents need to be told. This is because the have to be aware that the boy has a problem.
This boy needs help.
I hope his parents use this opportunity very wisely. This would be a time to talk to him and find out just how exposed he has been and what he has been up to and to advise him on the rules that apply when following nature`s urge.
I certainly do not think he is a potential despoiler. It is clear that he needs to be cleared up.
This is a teenager that has been left on his own to figure thinks out. I see lack of openness and candid advise on the part of the parents.
Sometimes the most decent kids can do things you would be surprised.
If one is patient and handles it properly the boy will open up.
In MOST cases these kids themselves have been victims of abuse.
He does not need punishment he needs correction.
Your mother might be able to help if se can advise the mom on how to go about it. No need for screaming or flogging. Advise him privately without humiliating him.
This way he stands better chances of overcoming this situation .
So sorry your sister had to get embarrassed like that but thank God she gave instant justice.

As a single woman you can advise a married woman. Even some marrid women give bad advise. Just be wise and mature about it.
You can talk to her even if she has not approached you because by moving out it is obvious she has a problem.
Be carefull about advising her to move back without knowing the extent of the problem. Sometimes a move- back should not be done without family or professional help.
Abuse is an issue that one has to take very seriously.

Ifyalways I do not want to turn this into a topic on religion.
Many wise philosophers who spent their life time denying God, ended up proclaiming his glory on their death bed.
Some couple certainly are happy without being religious.
And some coupled do not even have the same religion.
Advise is not something a MUST DO.
However there is no power stronger than God.

I love this.
I shall get all my kids to read it.

Do not let a day go by without laughing together.
Do not weigh everything on a scale.
Do not give more than you are comfortable with.
Do not take anything given for granted.
I just think many people get so up tight that the forget to have fun and be happy and enjoy each others company.
Do not slip into the role of only a husband or only a wife.
You need to play so many roles. Wife, friend , lover,
And most important, invite God into your home, prepare a place in your home for worshipping God. If you have a place to eat, sleep, you need a place for worship, where the family assembles every day.

Well maybe we should first know for how long they have been talking of marriage, I mean the fact that they have dated 8 years does not mean that they have been trying to get married that long.
Even if you put pressure on him to marry, he can still turn round and get a wife of his parents choice.
Polygamy is very possible in Nigeria.
Be very sure of what you are doing and don`t waste the best time of your life.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<abyDee,
you opened this thread hoping to learn from others but I think you ended up giving us more than we gave you.
Reading this thread is so refreshing because it brings hope to many that love can move obstacles in a marriage.
Your love kept you going and that is just great.
a family that prays together stays together.
Your husband needs to learn that in a foreign land it is sometimes difficult to break trough, but if he keeps his family in tact, his kids can one day attain the what he had difficulty attaining.

Outstrip is perfectly right.
You are not ready for marriage.
Even if you have a mom, you are a man and your mom should give you that respect as a man.
Unless off cause you have been bringing home absolute "disasters" .

Abydee,
one of the greatest danger for every marriage is when we start taking things for granted.
Sometimes a marriage works because one party is putting in so much effort and then the other takes it for granted. The one putting in the effort gets hurt and sad and the fun goes out of the marriage and then the one  who put in the effort starts thinking of an end.
What you need to do is love yourself. Learn to love yourself and appreciate yourself for what you are.
Do not circulate your life around your marriage. I know you might have a job and hobbies but emotionally you might just be circulating your life round him.
Learn to be fulfilled and stop worrying too much.
When he sees you happy and fulfilled he would try to penetrate your world.
Nothing is so unappealing like a nagging woman.
Do not bend down double to do things for him you cannot cope with. Better not to do something than to be annoyed or detest yourself or him for doing it,
I had this problem with waking up early mornings but I told my husband he should not wake me because I could not cope with the time. He felt bad at first but after some time it became routine. Now when he sees me in the morning it`s like I did him a favour and that happens maybe once in a few months.

He does not buy you presents? Buy yourself presents and derive joy from them, I bet you if he sees you buying yourself flowers often, he will one day start buying you flowers.
You cannot win love and affection by demanding or pleading for it.
Look at the animals and how the attract one another. You need to make yourself all pretty and radiate love and happiness, that will attract your husband to you.
Never mind some of the negative posts here.
I admire your honesty and the effort you are putting in.

Happy for you jennykadry.
That must be one hell of a christmas present.

Filani, maybe chaircover can`t give you an answer there because she has neer been in such a situation that her husband had to complain.
I do not think that this problem is too common. at leastI hope not.
I think both parties have to make effort to satisfy one another, always trying out new things and reviving the feeling afresh. It is all in the mind and when a woman wants it to work it does.
I think one problem some women have in Nigeria is that they have been brought up thinking that sex is wrong and that a woman has to be decent in bed. Many women do not have orgasms and some fake them. It is not as easy for a woman as it is for a man, to enjoy sex, especially not if one has inhibitions and hang- ups about it.-

Kunze, we can`t control this emotion called love but we can control what we do when in love.
If you really love this woman, unconditionally then do not get her all mixed up.
she is married and so out of bounds.
If you open your heart you will find someone else. Avoid her and try to keep out of her way.
If she leaves her husband for you, then you can be sure she will one day leave you for another man.
The price you will have to pay for this love is just too high.
Most people do not end up marrying their first love or their true love but the still get married and find happiness.
You are still young and I am sure out there is a woman just waiting for you.

Money is one of the major issues in a marriage.
In some cases the mans money is enough for him and the woman`s money is enough for her. The issue is who pays for the kid`s.
I think that the logical thing is that the spouse that is more capable should determine how the money is spent or saved. Sometimes it may be the wife.
while my husband is almost running our family like a venture- accounts to the last penny I am more careless with money.
At a stage he wanted me to make written accounts of everything I bought
that was just too much for me.
Now we have reached a compromise. We have agreed on how much I should save from my money monthly, what bills I pay and what I do with the rest is okay. I only give him the bills that are on the high side.

Poster
Your wife is not being romantic?
Are you
From you posting all I can read out is that you need more s - -. You want at least 2 rounds. The woman should respond!!
Chaircover is right.The answer lies in your post.
If you want romance be romantic. If your wife does not have the urge for your two to four rounds, the more you demand the more she would feel bad about it.
Show your wife affection and love and she will respond to you.
touch her often but make it clear its not sexual. Talk to her in a romantic way and make her feel like a woman.
Only when she feels like a woman and you bring out that feminine side, can she respond like a woman.
Little kind gestures, gifts, they don`t have to be expensive.
Intensify your efforts on the romantic level and that way her sexual desire for you will be rekindled.
Nothing that you will find in another woman does not exist inside your wife. You just have to know how to rub the magic lamp for the genie to appear.

Blazay,
Thank God I am not a lawyer- sorry to disappoint you I am.
Now the function of a lawyer is different from that of a judge. A lawyer defends his client even when guilty- do you not agree.
We can only comment on what the man wrote here. If he presents facts that differ from reality, the answers cannot help his reality.
As a lawyer I have given him the logical answer, clear of sentiments.
To have negotiations that favour him he has to assert his position and have bargaining power and that  can be achieved by sending the woman out.
When this is done she will realise the gravity of the situation.
One other thing I find it odd that anyone should think that because the woman contributes or is the breadwinner her actions are justified.

I think even the bible advocates sending a woman out of the house if she has been unfaithful.
The fact remains that the woman is in the wrong and the man has ever right to send her away.
If she apologises the husband can decide to tamper mercy with justice and take her back.  He would be wise to set in conditions.
No one has the right to demand of any person to maintain an unfaithful partner. Certainly not in these days of deadly STD`s.
How could you even have anything intimate with a person that as far as I am concerned is a health risk?
Blazay very often when people have nothing to say they resort to cheap insults. That`s okay this is not RL and everyone is free here to reflect his / herperson with words.
However I am not going to do you the favour of coming down to your level. I invite you to come up to mine.

Blazay, I have been married for many years so I do have your criteria to be active here
Well I was not going to mention it before but it is very possible that the mil does not have any respect for him simply because he i not Ibo like them.
This is the sad reality of inter tribal marriages in Nigeria. Very often the family is not broad minded enough to give the other party due respect and acceptance.
I do not think that if he were ibo the woman would have the guts to behave like that with him.
Blazay the mil to be part of the family must play a role as a mil!!!
A good mil wil always stick to her sil and scold her daughter when she goes wrong. Even when the man is wrong she should be diplomatic and seek peace.
Please as an experienced man can you explain how a woman can allow her daughters husband to sleep in the office
And you give this man the ridiculous advice to go pleading and get them to eat out of their palms.
The solution is to get rid of both of them.
If the woman is prepared for the marriage she can come back with her people and do the right thing, which is to plead and change her ways.

Some things cannot be fixed.
This woman has no love or regard for her husband.
As far as I am concerned there is nothing to fix.
Sometimes you fix and sometimes you replace.

Let`s not deceive this man.
How can a man have to run away from his own home?
And the woman dating another man.
Just all too ridiculous.
Let him get himself a real wife.

Do you have a mother?
This is the time to invite her to stay with you.
Look just fill the house with your relations and let the battle begin.
This woman you call your wife does not give a damn about you.
How can she let you sleep in the office?
Don`t be a fool, find yourself a woman that appreciates you.

macjive,
This only emphasises my opinion that the wife too is to blame.