₦airaland Forum

Mixed marriages are not so easy and have more chances of falling apart tan other marriages. This is a fact.
There have also been quite a few cases where women have used the men to achieve what they aspire, I do not think I need to elaborate here.
Investing in Africa is problematic, if you do not understand the culture of the people and do not have reliable assistance there.

As long as you do not go blindly into it,

Ujujoan:
It really doesn't follow sha . . . I know moslems that are married to just one wife and Christians that are polygamous. What matters is the individual.

But sha, it's better for one to stick to his/her kind!

Ones own kind?
Just wondering?
Are we not all the same, created by God after his own image?
God did not invent or create religions that was man`s doing.
Is it not ironical, that mankind builds so many boundaries and warfronts under the pretext of worshipping God.

Most of what is written here is more based on theory than reality.
Some women stay with their abusive husbands because they cannot afford to leave him.
It is easy to advise leaving such a man but one has to be in those shoes to know how it feels. Imagine taking a child from financial stability into poverty. Not being able to afford food, education, healthcare etc. Many women will just tend to believe that they would sacrifice themselves so as not to deprive their kids and we cannot judge them for that.
Then there is the other kind of woman who can actually afford to leave financially but does not.
this kind of woman will never even admit that she is being abused.
Why? Because of the kind of comments one gets to hear about battered wives. they do not want to be ridiculed or scorned so they keep this secret to themselves. Most people tend to either blame them for the husbands abuse or believe they deserve it by staying to condone it.
Such women need understanding and not condemnation.
Just get out, That is easier said than done.

Does marriage have nice moments? Yes it does. Many nice, wonderful moments.

But sometimes I wonder:
Are wives/ mothers not just the door mat, where husband and kids dust off all their daily problems.
How often do husbands and kids show appreciation for all the sacrifices we make?
Unfortunately marriage is much more than just nice moments.
I donot blame anyone who is scared of getting married.

Yes I made my choice and when it did not work out, I had only myself to blame.
My second marriage was met wit even stronger opposition but I went ahead and thank God that I did.
It took my family time to adjust to it but now all is well.
MY husband also met with strong disapproval for marrying a divorcee with kids and that was his first marriage.
But today we are happy we did what we wanted.

You have one big OBSTACLE to your happiness and that is you.

You are an educated man that works and carries responsibilities. Do your parents follow you to work and take decisions for you
Wake up and be a MAN. Te role of your parents now os to advice you and not to control you.

Do they live with this woman or know her as you do? Probably they will never be happy with your choice no matter who.
Better to be unhappy with someone you love rather than someone you don`t love.

If I were the girl I would have asked you to take a hike because you are not in control of your home.
A man is the head of his home-
not his father and not his mother.

So with all your education you are still enchained and enslaved in all this "visions" etc. I call it Psychological terror and blackmail.

Now you need advise?
Take your girl fix a date at the registry or church and get married - Privately.
Your parents will come around and have to accept your decision. , or at the very least respect it.

By the way. No human being can predict the death of another.

This is the advise of a mother who has children of marriageable age.

When you were a kid your parents were strong and you weak. Now is the time tat the tables turn.
You now become the stronger one and the they weaker. Your duty as a son is to make them happy by showing them care and affection in their old age.
That is your first duty!
If you now make yourself unhappy. You will always hold it against them.
SO choose your wife and be happy. That way you can show them love.
The secret is that no one will ever impose on you what you reject in life.
Stand your ground

I have tried to imagine my husband getting a second wife.
If she will cook and clean and take care of all the kids.
Imagine me free as a bird to do my business and fulfil my dreams, travel around the world.
Actually not a bad idea.

I have vowed never to let my kids work until they finish school. While studying if they want to. I mean if they think they need more than they have, why not work for it. Should I sponsor extravagances. However I still feel myself obliged for the normal expenses.
My daughter wanted to do a part time job, I refused to the bitter end. She is now 17 and gets 200€ as pocket money, that is for contributing in the house work. IF they don`t contribute there is a cut in money. The 14 year old gets 100€ and it goes down the ladder. Pocket money starts from the first class.
This girl having to pay fr her meal is crazy. What a mom. I think that many people just conveniently push their responsibilities aside.
I have indeed noticed this culture with money and how people in Europe are so petty about money, right to the last cent. It still amazes me till today.

Mama gee, I think you must be having some serious problems with someone out there.
Your posts seem to suggest as much.

There you are right. Almost every African couple I meet here are having issues over money.-OP

Jennykadry the job worked out. There are allot of other things to marriage. He still was violent and he still brought women home.
Then he took another wife significantly older than I was and from his tribe. He took our pictures from the wall and hid the marriage certificate. She came from a very influential home. The problem was that she gave my husband the condition that I should pack out before she packs in, so my ex was making life hell for me. Even consulting his native doctors etc. because the woman claimed I was disturbing her in her sleep and my spirit would not allow her enter the house. So at this stage my family finally understood I had no chance to survive. We were not from the same tribe and I was neither raised diabolic nor deeply spiritual. So they gave me their blessing but not their help. So I left.
Even after leaving I still hoped somewhere and somehow that things will work out but I knew that it would be madness to go back. To put it honestly he gave me no option but to leave him.
Incidentally after about a few weeks the marriage was crumbling. A few months later he came over begging me to come back but i knew it was a one time chance to leave with my kids. And he said something really stupid that finally sealed it for me. He meant that the woman was a fool for treating me that way and the shame will be on her because he will soon divorce her, she was the one to suffer. He had broken our marriage and that was his point of argument

We see it here in black and white but.
How many of our brothers and sisters are going through the same just because they do not have valid papers.

CC that may work for you but believe you me many a mother do not always take right decisions.The need advise from outside.

Poor girl in the wrong place too. No help or sympathy. Such a child herself
This is waking so many bad memories for me, I was at that age myself when I had to go through such mess. I remember once I ran away to my dad with the kids and my husband had to take a long journey to pick me back. He was on his knees pleading with my father and I had to follow him back. As we were about entering Lagos he turned to me and gave me a blow in the face for making him waste time and money. He told me he would kill me if I dared try going again. I was so scared of that man my heart beat so badly when he came home.

Delta thank you for taking your time out to give such detailed advise. Your advise from a man`s perspective is invaluable as CC put it and this is no flattery -
Flak now you have calmed down I would like to let you know what I did when I was in a similar position.
My ex was posted in the north and he refused me working.
I pleaded with him to get me a job but he did not. So once when he travelled I went to the court and sought pout a Judge from the same tribe as I was. I told him to recommend me to a lawyer I needed a job. I did not care how small the chambers was or the pay I just wanted a job to get my feet in.
He did this and when my husband came back I pleaded with him that I had found a job. He was mad. How did I get it and what was my relationship to the lawyer etc. As he often did, he assembled his people and a few of them came and he called me out.
They of course condemned my action for not letting my husband know and going behind his back and how I had to obey my husband.
I simply went on my knees in front of them and pleaded with my husband. He should remember that he promised my family to let me work. I had sacrificed so much for my education and had very good results and a promising future. The people were so surprised at my action. They had expected to see an academic woman acting arrogant and all knowing but never this. They asked him what his problem was and pleaded with him on my behalf.
You never believe it, he turned around and said that he was angry because I did not let him get me the job. He did not want his wife in such a chambers it was a disgrace to his name. The very next day he got me another job.
Later when we moved to lagos I got a job too and he did not make much stress. But at the start he could call me in the office and ask me to come home and give him his food, because he was my boss, not that man in the office. I would go home and give him his food. After some time I pleaded with him not to make me loose the job and he stopped it.
I made sure I spoke to him regularly about my job. My first salary I brought to him and he asked me to keep it.
Basically if you need a job maybe you can try getting yourself one without your husbands help. It may not be on your level but after that he will certainly help you get something better, if he feels okay with it. Maybe he will be more comfortable if the job is not in the banking sector. Your field is professional and you can get a job in so many other sectors.
My husband now does not stand in the way of my ambition. As far as he is concerned I can work 7 days a week as long as I do not inconvenience his own activities. Now he does earn well but he has 22 younger siblings and is the first child his parents are both late.
So I do not need to tell you where his investments are. The more I earn the more room he has to cater for his family with the argument that people back home do not have any options like in Europe, free medical etc. When I talk about a present for a child he converts for me what that money can do for someone back home. It does make sense but it is depressing me because I just feel overworked. My day starts at 6 and ends at about 2 in the morning. To give my kids those things my husband regards as luxuries I have to work and make this sacrifice. Just an instance last christmas it was more important to pay the rent of a relation at home than buy christmas presents.
I would gardly change shoes with you

At times like that it is a time to turn to God. For God alone is your stronghold.
Even your parents could get fed-up after some time.
There are problems we can solve and those we can`t. Some problems even solve themselves.
All you need to do is do the little you can to improve your life, day by day.
I hope everything is okay and you do not have such problems now?
If you do remember the sun always rises again.

This woman is not lying.
She probably told the husband about the arab woman`s advice.
She would be hoping that letting the husband know that she will stay with him will make him treat her better.
georgar. I know what you are going through ands I feel for you. You have to be strong now and take a decision. A decision with no turning back.
Tell us a bit more. Where do you come from and is any of you a Nigerian.
IF you were to leave him what options do you have. Do you have family where you are?

I am truly happy for you.
Thank God!!
Sometimes the solution to problems lies in our hands and you have done a super job here.
Your husband is a good man and you are a woman with a big heart only still having the spontaneousness of youth.
Sorry I had to be hard in my words, only wanted to jolt you before you throw away what God has blessed you with.
Remember marriage is a battle you should never win or loose against the other side.
If you loose you get crushed. You win and you are on the battle field alone.
Patience and love is needed for two partners to became one, both maintaining their dignity and individuality.

This is a typical case of a man abandoning his wife.
The military is not involved . The forgery is a civil matter.
No need for the article with the mans picture. That is also detrimental for the kids and brings no help.
What the woman can achieve from the military is that the man pays maintenance for the kids. I know that the military in Nigeria is quite humane here.
But how can a man abandon his kids and wife like that
Poor woman.

Please accept my sympathy too.
May God take control.

Do not forget that not only the body is important. Your wife has to heal emotionally too.
Please take off this stress of getting a child and just try to make your wife happy and pet her.
The child will come in Gods time.

Stand by her and give her time to mourn and to heal. That is the most important thing now.

Did I regret leaving my husband and how was it being divorced?

At first I was relieved that I left him and I felt it was worth all the struggles I went through. To make matters worse, that was when I simply took my kids and left the country because I wanted a clean cut, distance so that nothing could get me back to him.
At that point I was angry and hurt with him.
But as the years went by, we became friends and could talk with each other normally.
The last time I saw my ex when he visited it was a terrible experience. He is still so much in love with me, he cried and told me he never understood what came over him. I left him not because i stopped loving him but because I could not endure the beating and abuse any longer. The feeling was so painful for me.
The bad thing about it was that my husband and his wife noticed. But I know in my heart that I could never be happy with him.
Sometimes I regret leaving him, not just because I loved him but also because I regret even leaving Nigeria and my whole life there behind.
I am so mixed up on this issue I cannot give you a clear answer.
Sometime I feel so bad that things did not work out between us.
But God gave me a kind and gentle man this time. A man that has stood by me and comforted me. And I really do love my husband, e is like a father, a brother, a friend. He is everything to me. With him I have the emotional security I never had before.
Flak I could never have made that marriage work. according to my ex, he said his family confessed that they went to all lengths to break us up because they felt he would leave them for me.
The things that man did to me were inhuman.
He raped me when my baby was just a day old. He would insist on examining me physically to see if I had cheated on him when I came home, would even sometimes drag me to the doctor to test me. He was bringing in women into our home and sleeping with them there. On several occasions I came home to meet a girl in his room and used condoms. And he was beating me almost every day.

I am not blaming the woman nor attacking her.
Only trying to get her to also look at her own side of the issue. If there is something she can do or correct. She is here on the forum.
Now what does it bring me to write husband do not hit her etc? My advise can only go to her here.
Ujujoan I am not in any way comparing myself to the woman. However you need to know that I too had a professional career in fact at the time I divorced my husband I had a well paid job.
Certainly she will find on her feet again, get to rent a place but that takes time. Remember she has to rent a place and do it up and that with kids!! Be realistic it is not easy.

Contrary to what you think Aisha. I am not advising her to stay in the marriage. At the end of the day she has to make her own decision.
But she has to live with the consequences.
I do not know the poster nor her husband in RL and you need to know a great deal more and know the people in RL to give authentic advise.
The aim of all we write her is to give opinion and advice.
At the end of the day the poster has to decide what she wants to pick and what not.
I only want to have her mind also think in another direction and not do her analysis on a one way track.
For me marriage is no do or die affair but it is certainly something special and something worth fighting to maintain.
I have gone through a divorce before and I was very lucky to find someone else to share my life with.
BUT I paid a very high price for that divorce. I am still paying and I probably will still keep on paying.
At the end I was left alone abandoned by friends and family who felt I was going to be a liability- financially or emotionally. People who only started coming back after I was on my feet again.
A friend of mine assured me to put me up for a week or two, the day I packed my things and landed the house, I was not even let in. Another friend only agreed to put me up alone without kids. Someone I had done so much for in the past!!
When you fall, that is when you know that you do not have friends.
I know the pains of being alone with children and having to cope alone. The days I cried when maybe a kid was sick and in hospital and I had to leave the other kids alone at home to be in the hospital. Not having anyone to lean on. No one to motivate you and take control of issues. It would have been much easier if I were on my own without kids. But with kids it was hell.
Today sometimes I have a problem, when I discuss it with my husband, he only has to say something like calm down it is not so bad and already I feel so much better.
It is not about having a man to finance you. There is something much more important a partner gives to you.
So how many of you who advise her to pack her bags and go is going to put her up initially . Or help with the kids, dry her tears.
Is it not better she exercise the utmost caution and really end the marriage as a last resort.
So what options does she have. Stay single for the rest of her life, or remarry.
You need to consider how difficult it is to bring kids into a marriage. Do you know that that marriage has even higher chances of breaking up?
Those friends you think will stand by you, will be watching their partners closely, when you are around.
Some of my friends who wanted contracts from my ex, even went as far as telling him that the advised me to stay and I took the wrong decision. The avoided me and were busy paying him endless visits.
I do not wish any woman the trauma of a divorce that is why I advice her to honestly be cautious. In this case it does not appear to be out of control. The poster must know that for herself.
One more thing Aisha,  you could never compare my ex with this man. He was abusive and getting violent on a regular basis. However people have different levels of endurance.
But she will have even more problems than these once in another marriage, because she has kids and has made bad experiences in the past. The new in laws will be even more against her, regard her with her kids as a liability.

No outstrip in my world I do not have to invade my husbands privacy neither does he invade mine.
I think we are close enough to know when something is cooking.
And my dear, if I suspect my husband of being unfaithful, I really do not give a damn with whom or if she is pregnant. It suffices that he is being unfaithful.
Now I and my husband agreed on certain things when we got married and faithfulness was one of the important issues.
My husband made it clear to me that he would end the marriage abruptly if he discovered i was being unfaithful and I made it clear to him that I was not a jealous woman, but the day I found out that he was unfaithful to me that would be the last day we shared the same bed.
I have kids and I will never expose myself to a health risk because a man cannot be faithful.
Now when has that kind of invasion ever stopped the man from doing what he wanted to?
It is obvious that he still persists in what he is doing and is only heaping her with a bundle of lies.
What I am telling you is that the approach is wrong.
She should invest that energy in doing concrete things to make the man love her and want to give himself only to her.
My dear you need to read the woman's post very well and see the relationship between the problem with the in laws and the ex girlfriend.
It was when the poster started getting into fights with the family and then even went as far as expecting the man to turn against his family that the problems started.
Se has admitted that the man was on her side more or less but she was not satisfied that his role was passive.
So by nagging and putting fire on his behind she drove him to the arms of a woman that was showing him understanding.
By increasing her nagging and control she is only aggravating the issue.

A child has a right to know it`s biological parents and if you really love a child you would not deprive the child of this right.
Besides in most cases the relationship with the biological parents does not get so intense. I have had a couple of friends who only found their parents much later on in life and the relationship did not affect the relationship with their adopted parents. In most cases it even made them draw closer to them.
You need to understand that most people who get so desperate that the give out their child to adoption hardly have their life under control even after years have past.
The experience I had with my friends is that they all painted this picture of someone special in their minds and when they met their real mum or dad they were totally disappointed.

The bible says that the sins of the father shall be visited upon the children.
I always found that pretty hard, but it really does happen sometimes. There are many instances of this too.
That does not mean it as to be in every case.
There is simply more to life than meets the eye.
I wonder why I should be labelled as messed up from taking extracts from the bible.

Outstrip:
You have to know Mutters history to kind of understand the fantasy land she usually comes from. She has basically created it in her head just so she can cope with life. That is my observation of her. If she faces the truth she will likely go mad that is why she is the way she is. She has done it for years and years and it is now part and parcel of her. The only thing that can help her is some serious therapy and even then she might even try to shrink the therapist

How cute!!!
Well I guess I have to start roaming around searching my husband`s personal belongings. Screening his phone etc to get down to earth
The fact that one is married does not mean that privacy should be invaded.

Poster what does it matter what his in-laws say about your income?
It is a mans duty to fend for his wife. There is no need your husband going to war with his family because of such a trivial issue. In fact that would only turn them against you more.

You must be going through allot of pains after what you saw, those sms etc.
Serves you right---
You have no business going through your husbands phone or spying on him. You were invading his privacy. Marriage is based on trust and not control.

Well the poster can do what she wants and she has made up her mind.
You are free to make your decisions but you have to live with the consequences.

Sometimes we read things and just get emotional but one has to analyse very carefully.

The man is a bad man because he does not want the woman to work.
This is a woman who claims she had three kids in 5 years of marriage
Who claims that one of them is sick, meaning that more attention is needed.
SO SOMEONE PLEASE PINCH ME!!! Most men and women will want their wife`s to stay at home for at least a while, especially when he can afford it.
Now it is reasonable when the man says she cannot buy the car in 5 years with the salary. The kids need attention.

I really do not want to go back to this topic because it is sensitive but, a fetas at 4 months is 5 inches and weighs about 5 ounces. My common sense tells me that this cannot be possible that the problem was as a result of the beating.

For a woman to be irritated that a her husband tells her that he did not give her the car to drop a man, speaks volumes.

Chaircover some women do not understand that sometimes it is better to take shi from one man at home than from everyone outside,
Just wait later and see ho friends will turn against you. Even your family will consider you a burden. while you are trying to make it initially.
My dear look before you leap.

One has to analyse issues carefully.

Is a man that has been married for years and flips out once an abusive man or a man who just lost control on one occasion.

I also am no doctor but I find it hard to imagine that a foetus in the fourth can have a kidney damaged considering the size at that stage. Sorry but maybe a doctor can clear us up on this one.

Yes the man is abusive but is this the language the use amongst themselves. Well maybe he calls her a witch but if she calls him similar names then I guess it is not an issue.

Now maybe he does not let her work but the poster has not been specific. Maybe this was an agreement made before the marriage. I can imagine that a man may express his not wanting his wife to work because he has enough. In such cases the women sometimes diplomatically get the husband to concede to their working later.

So apart from these issues_
We have a man that is a responsible man in society, catering for his wife and kids. No mention of him being unfaithful or neglecting the marriage.
Now some women will advise she just quit.p
It is not easy to be a single mom and it is not easy to get married a second time. Always with the risk of jumping from frying pan to fire.

My advise to the poster is that you try and make this marriage work.
Women are like flowers we fade pretty fast. There is nothing as comforting as growing old with a man that loves you and appreciates you, remembers you in your youth.
A man you can walk down memory lane together remembering the ups and downs.
If you don`t think I am making sense then heed Chaircovers advice. She knows what it is about.

This is simply sick.
But the parents are even sicker, for leaving the kids in this school.

No need to say thank you. when we help others we are giving them a part of Gods light that we carry in us and sending them a message of hope.
I only plead with you to keep my true identity private. that will be enough appreciation. I pledge to help by the middle of march, because I have serious financial commitments now.