₦airaland Forum

This is why many girls are single even at an old age. We meet men that are in love and do not get married because the man can not foot the wedding bill.
The next step is we start dating older men that have made it but are married.
In this time we the young boys are men and have made it, but guess what? They can now afford a wedding and call the shots.
The are certainly not going to marry the women that rejected them then. The mostly look for young blood and get married.
Now imagine a man going into a marriage with this feeling at the back of his mind that the girl only married him because he can afford it, he certainly is going to demand full submission from this woman and even treat her harshly. This is because women have given him the impression that he is nothing without money.
Footing the wedding should not be an issue. Who has more should contribute more. So what if we both can´t afford it. Why not just get married low keyed and set up a home. Years later wen the money starts flowing in one can renew the vows or do the anniversary in a big way.
I do not know why everyone in Nigeria wants to do a society wedding.

I think it would be advisable for women not to be vain and proud when it comes to their husbands. That also includes being aggressive and rude.
The sad reality is that with time, you find you have little or no market value while the man at this stage is in his prime and even more attractive to women. When that stage comes what keeps a man to his woman is remembering the good days and the way she treated him. If the men has spent years with his ass on fire, he will not hesitate to succumb to temptation.
A friend of mine wanted to leave her husband, she was really serious. I told her to take a long hard look in the mirror then look at her husband. Then I asked her to visualize herself ringing on the bell in two months time and a young girl opening the door with and greeting her with "good morning ma".
That cured her, she unpacked her bags real fast.

Besides, as regards the pictures, my husband has loads of pictures of his ex girlfriends and we even look at them once in a rare while and have a good laugh and he tells me some stories about his relationships. I even tease him and I do not see any reason to feel bad. What ever for? He knew they were there before he came to me.

none of these three things are as important as blessing from up above. Most important is that God joins in heaven what we join here on earth.
What God has out together, let no man put asunder.

That is normal in married life after many years. Sometimes I look at that man and think how the hell did I land myself in this mess. Other times I think, Thank God for the greatest man on earth.
You have to work on your marriage every day , rekindle the love and renew the vows regularly.
What you need to do is woe her all over again. Little surprises and gestures, laughter and love so she remembers the man she fell in love with.

angel UK years back i and my friends talked just like you. We were ready to be the new generation of women. But guess what? Most o those girls that shouted the most even ended up marrying much older men as second wives. Many of them are married to men who date other women or have married second wives. Most of them have humbled themselves and now submit to their husbands in the interest of peace in the home. These women I am talking about are mostly educated and holding key positions.
Enjoy this period and rebellious period beause soon reality will set in.

This fits in here I guess

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbqF6Xv1mNU

No woman turns a blind eye to it. These women condone it.
Do not imagine that financial independence is the key word here. Women can be dependent in so many immaterial ways.
If you want to get married and work out of each marriage, where the guy cheats, you may get married more times than you have fingers and toes. That is if you are not blessed with one of the rare few men.
It is not easy to work out of a marriage, especially not when living in Nigeria.

I wonder why the uproar. Let`s think of it this way. Polygamy is still very much of a part of Nigerian life. I ask myself if many men have not taken a second wife because of the ikebe or bubbies etc. Only men an really answer this question.
The only difference is that this man is not planning marriage. That also is not new in Nigeria. Many women live with men and the marriage rites have not been started or sometimes not completed.
Can a man actually cheat on a woman in a polygamous society? I wonder.
No woman likes sharing it is not easy. However also sometimes not as bad as one dreads.
Would I as a woman prefer my man to have a live in gf or go randomly about with various girls?
Does the nigerian society accept a woman leaving a her marriage because the man cheated on her?
Many of us scream in uproar and protest but as we get older we find ourselves fitting into the same pattern.

@ apocalypse
Thank God you have seen a way out.
You know one day you are going to make that mom the happiest woman with :
mom I want to get married and mom my wife is pregnant.
I am sure your kids will benefit allot from Grandmas words of advice.
I still profit so much from my Grandmas words even though we did not spend much time together.

My answer might surprise many but the wife was wrong.
The card she gave to the husband was his property. He had a right to do with it what he pleased. Now she may feel hurt that he tore it but maybe the man did not see it as important since he had the woman he loved at his side and his life is filled with signs of her.
The pictures of the gf are also his property and she had no right to tear them. It is not as if he had been displaying the pictures in the house but they only came out then. Now a past gf  belongs to the past and to memories and some people like to keep memories. The woman intruded into an Era she did not belong into. Besides tearing the pictures has only the opposite effect, it only kindles the memory of the gf makes her more important.
Did you say 2 years without a real quarrel? That is a negative sign. Not good at all. It shows that the marriage has issues that were not handled but swept under the rug. This is maybe a chance for them to bring these issues up.
I think you should advise your friend to go talk to her husband.
She should apologize for not talking to him that is even more grievous than the initial incident at hand.
The man too has his own fault. A fault that many men have. He was insensitive to the wifes feelings and emotions. A man with this great
quality would have turned the whole issue into a joke when he saw his wife was hurt.
Many men demand respect and submission from a woman but fail to realize just how painful and hard it can be to submit to a man that is insensitive to the needs of a woman.
Just ask your friend to go and plead with her husband for forgiveness and also for more understanding and sympathy towards her feeling in the future. The world outside has enough problems waiting for us, we need an undivided house to cope.

Well I did not know this part of it. Well you are right in many things you wrote. She does not spend much time with you. No I will not have reacted so drastically but then I also am not your mother and do not have such a rigid approach.
Since you are already that old and you seem to have things in control. If you have tried talking to her respectfully and it did not work, the only other step would be to get some older family member involved. Maybe you need to be diplomatic and ask her not to come unannounced because you would be doing a lot of travelling in the future. That way you can avoid such problems.
You know with her CV I just do not see any hope of her bending to became more flexible.
We mothers sometimes find it hard to let go.
Your gf fears are justified, in the sense that ML can be difficult to handle but she must know that already by now. That is how it functions in our tradition. One day she will be at that point too of being a mother in law. She will learn with time. If she loves you she should learn to adjust to your strict mother and accept her the way she would accept her mother.
When I was much younger, my inlaws visited for the first time and told my husband that I should serve him his food on my knees. My husband wanted to kick against it, but I told him not to worry. We could do it when they were there, it did not take anything out of me. Well after some time they never bothered again. I think it was just important for them to exercise control.

Why can children not learn about culture or tradition from their parental home. If the man is so bothered, he should gather the nigerians around him together and form a kind of organisation to bring the values and culture closer to the children. That is the right way of keeping our culture alive abroad.
Children are meant to be brought up by their parents. That is the law of nature and this man is about to defy that.
He needs to be stopped.
I think it would suffice taking the kids home to Nigeria in the holidays.

@ Poster this questions cannot be answered generally. You need to look at the circumstances.
The girl in question is still a student and has to face her studies and also make her own life. What you are doing is strictly speaking morally not okay and why do you want your mother not to stand to the truth.
Before my son informed me that his girlfriend spends the weekend at his place he had introduced her to us formally and we questioned them both on their intentions. In this case the girl is through with her studies. It is also at the stage that they are getting ready to be married. Even at that, I would never spend one night in his house with her there if they are not married.
I have also made it clear to my girls that I have no problem with them spending a night at their BF home, provided he is branching at the marriage registry first.
Your gf should understand that your mother is also protecting her.

Besides did your mother not tell you her opinion before she walked the girl out of the house?
Yes you are a man and have your own home but you still have the benefit of the wise guidance of your mother, heed it wisely it will not lead you astray.
I also want to give you sincere advise. Make it clear before marriage how important your mother is to you. If you start now, with your gf castigating your mother,the day will come when you see it differently. There are many decisions my parents took that I never understood till I had my own kids. What happens if later your gf then wife still has a negative attitude to your mum? Do you know how much that can affect the family?
Please just talk to your gf in a mature way and explain to her that your mum is actually doing the right thing in both your interest.
You may think that you are now in a modern age and things are different, but these are issues that have never changed much. The world keeps going round in a circle.
Please sit down and try to remember what a mother is. How she held you in her arms and loved you so much since your very first breath.
The one person on earth who would here, now on the sport forfeit her life to save you.
This is the way of the world once she was strong and you were weak. Now the picture is turning . She grows weaker, you grow stronger. Do not be cruel or vain when dealing with her, but show her love and compassion. That way she keeps praying for Gods blessing for you and believe me God listens to the voice of a mother.
Sorry if this is getting intense but you asked the question and I am giving you the answer I would give my child.

You can still determine the sex of the child with the billings method, provided you have a regular circle.

it still hurts so bad, this is one wound time cannot heal. RIP

@ Poster our mum did the right thing. That even shos she has respect for your GF, when she told her to come back when you guys are married,
Why imagine it was her daughter do you think she would let her stay with a man without marriage. She treated both of you like her kids. You both should have done the right thing by not letting her sleep in the house with your mums knowledge.
Why should you use a woman as a wife anyway, if you are not married to her. Why don`t you take steps towards marriage that would solve everything.

I think a soft heart and the fear of God can hold every marriage and make happy homes.
Your wife may not always react the right way when in such a situation, because sometimes when people are pushed in a tight corner, the just fling out their hands wildly and rational reason does not work. That is why you feel she is confronting you and her parents are in control.
As the man of the house you need to have a soft heart and explain to your wife in a sympathetic way what you want and try to get her to see reason.
Management by love is the right way to lead a home. You need to know that women can say allot of things they do not really mean when they are hurt.
You know when a husband is kind to his inlaws it is the greatest pride of the woman in front of her parents. The joy of having your parents tell you you made the right choice.
It will only make her love you more. I think you are on the right track.
A happy home is the foundation your children will build on.

Dear Poster,
You know a woman should respect her husband at all times. But we women also have to honour our parents and take care of them in their old age.
Maybe if you learn to show your parent IL the same love you show your own parents, you would not find yourself asking this question.
You know older people can sometimes be a bit difficult but we need to show them love and care, they made us what we are today.
This kind of confrontation will cause your wife great pain and put her in a conflict situation.

ada 24,
childbirth is painful, but the pain is bearable.
You need to think of it as a natural process and wipe away your fears. Fear makes the body rigid and you only feel more pain.
There are breathing techniques and you can read about them in the internet or go for classes. You need to maintain controlled breathing and deep into the stomach.
Contractions come and go and in between the you feel nothing. It`s just like painful menstrual pain. The time between the contractions shortens towards the end. That`s when it gets hard but then comes the urge to push.
Besides it is also very important not to have to maintain a certain position but to be able to move around the way you want to. It also helps having your husband or someone else there with you.
I have had several kids and accompanied women birthing and I can assure you it was just fine. The pain is bearable.
With my first kid I did not even know it was contractions, just felt this feeling of heaviness in the lower tummy on and off.
I did not even know when the baby was about to come, just kept telling the doctors i needed to go the toilet. But then it was the baby. I had heard so many stories that I kept waiting for this unbearable pain, but then it was all over.
When I had my last kid it was really funny. I had been having contractions so I knew it was time. I was just giving my kids dinner and suddenly this contraction came I just had to bend over and my little boy kept yelling, do you want to make a poo mum. I had a a good laugh really, because he had been having constipation and that was about the look he had on his face, when he make a poo.
Thank God my husband worked through the door, because my baby came less than an hour before we got to the clinic.

It really is not that that bad.
Most women are in so much pain because they panic and stiffen themselves up and fight against nature taking its cause.
You need to learn the right breathing techniques and then the pain is bearable and the experience is quite awesome.
I had all my kids naturally and quite honestly I did not find the pain unbearable. Remember that between contractions the pain goes away.
I think you need to get your self more informed about natural birthing.

Oh my goodness, someone should advice this lady.
She should demand a DNA test- paternity. That entitles her child to German citizenship and maintenance from the father.
That is the practical approach.
This should be done through the embassy.
Sue the man in court and get the embassy to reveal his address in Germany. That is the first step.

Your problems are typical problems. Your marriage is not at the brink of collapse.
Finance is a big issue in many marriages. Hardly anyone has as much money as he needs. It is very realistic that money is tight in a young marriage, sometimes later one looks back at the good old days.
I wish I could turn back the time sometimes. Managing and sharing and planning everything together, we were so close and happy then.

Jenny some churches include the statuary marriage its like a registry marriage, when you sign the books after the marriage.
Romeo. A constitution does not contain all laws.
A customary marriage is just as legal as a registry or sharia marriage in Nigeria and is legally recognized.
Any lawyer can confirm this,
Customary law is recognized by our Constitution.

Romeo4real
I do not understand your point, why must there be a specific section of the constitution to recognize customary marriage?
That is not what a constitution is for.
Traditional marriage is a legal and recognized form of marriage.

I don`t use make up- never did.

It could be that your bf is scared of committing himself because at your age you might not know what you want. Marriage can be very complicated, involving not just the two of you but also the extended family.
He might just be scared that you are not ready for the commitment.
You are still Young and have time on your hands.
Just keep being decent and prayerfull, many suitors are yet to come.

.

@ poster, I understand the point you are trying to make but promiscuous is the wrong word.
Women trade their bodies like goods in the market, but remember the amount of goods you see in the market is determined by the demand.
I was still an innocent kid, when me started making passes at me, I remember my dads fried always insisting I shake him and rubbing his finger in the palm of my hand. chasing me around the house when m parents were not  there.
At school the male teachers. Walking on the road cars stopping an men trying to invite you in their cars. Looking for a job, and the man making a pass at you. Get a job an your employer making a pass at you.
It was so disgusting. Even a Priest I went to when I needed help.
Why don`t you men let women be?
You have no regard for a womans feeling and pride.
Why do many men not appreciate the qualities a woman has outside her body in Nigeria?
The problem in Nigeria  cannot be blamed on the women alone.
It is the society that is sick.

Her mum but we live on the same street.
But half the time she is with me.
Every second Weekends she spends with her dad.
I must say I have a very good relationship with my DIL. She is free to come an go as she pleases . She is almost like a daughter to me.
I intend keeping my promise, she will always be a part of my family.

Yes she is.
The hammer was that the guy was on the same street as I was.
Well that is over now and I thank God my son did not do anything stupid.

Godess I totally agree with you?
Why on earth did she have to do such a thing.
Apart from leaving the kids alone, she has also put a stigma on them.
On the other hand maybe she was no longer mentally stable and as such had no control over her actions.
May her soul rest in peace.
The man too has his hands stained.

that marriage is just a shell.
A shell that is empty inside.
No more trust.