₦airaland Forum

I am so glad to read that many are of the view that one does not need a househelp. At most it is better to have a mature woman coming in for some hours a week.
Most families all over the world function that way.
It is simply an abuse of minors and cheap labour. Also it is important for kids to grow up learning to be responsible for some duties. I have a12 Person household and have no househelp.

Maybe your wife was just worried that the girl might tell you the story in a way that might frighten you. In such a case it is better to hear from the wife.
However it is not a normal arrangement. Your wife is just acting on all the tales she has heard.
How does your wife treat this girl?
This arrangement is convenient for your wife because so she has control about what information you get.
Imagine your wife not being able to talk to the driver.
QHy don`t you do without a househelp if the situation is that bad.
I personally find this housegirl issue an abuse.

I always felt that nigerian women are very hard working. The work or do something to make money.
The problem s that many men then do not fend for the family adequately again but leave the wife to bear most of the costs.

mai suya. My name identifies me, my Kingship. My roots. My husband as much as I love him is not going to be a part of my roots.
Anyway he also did not see the sense in it. That has nothing to do with togetherness.
I want to think that this adapting of  husband?`s surname has nothing to do with Nigerian tradition. This Surname issue is a colonial introduction. It is also not stipulated in most religions.

There is nothing wrong with a woman or man being attracted to someone of the opposite gender.
Wrong or right is what you do.
DO you just admire it as beautiful picture or do you want to have a taste.
I think however that when this happens to a married woman something is missing.or wrong.
Explore your husband, he is such a long journey and adventure you have not seen the half of what is in him. The further you go the more you will discover
There is nothing so wonderful like the attraction that gets stronger as the days go by. You need to work on it.
There are stages in a marriage where the going may get rough and the attraction fizzles but them again it can  rekindle with even a stronger flame.

It is very difficult in Nigeria. Reporting a case to the police is not going to secure you anything. In this case the one with more influence and money goes out the winner. As a woman you can take a case to the police and if care is not taken the police will ridicule you. The only reason they are picking up the man is to make some money.
I recollect once I had my ex was real mad, he stopped the care to hit me, in this residential area. I got out of the care and started running away, yelled at these two police men to get me back. The ran after me and dragged me on the ground back. My husband kept punching and kicking me with his boots. It was am old guard who came and saved me. He put himself in front of me and asked my husband to kill him, he was an old man. That was when my husband drove away. Leaving me in front of a crowd without shoes . The police knew I was his wife but they didn`t care.
You also have to remember that most battered wife's are not financially independent. The cannot afford a lawyer . Justice is money.
That is why I see the real solution in organisations, to speak up for these women and protect them.
Blazay educated women too are affected, I think you are maybe not very informed on this topic.
And why should a woman fleeing not seek for a divorce
and does every woman have the chance to flee out of the country.
And my final question. D you think women are asses. Which woman would not do all she can to avoid such marriages.
The greatest enemy such women have are not the violent husbands but the society that tolerates it. That puts the blame on the woman.
After all I went through with my ex, as soon as I left a few of my friends went back to him , telling him things like they had advised me to stay and be patient. Some went as far as speaking bad about me. All they wanted was favours and connections.
Years later I still do not have the answer to the question why?. THe funny thing is neither does he. He does not even want to speak about it, claims that it was the work of the good old devil.

hmm, I had a similar experience as a kid and I told my mum.
You know what?
My dad convinced her I was lying and she ended up being really mad at me.
At the end of the day I could not stand up to my dad.
Needless to say i got some real harsh treatment after that.

How can anyone be so inhuman and mean. That poor little child.
Such men do not deserve to live.

I never changed my name. It is my name I  was given it at birth and I am used to it. It was never an issue. I think the man should only be bothered about his kids answering his name.
I do not see how it affects our marriage. Sometimes I wish I took his name, other times I`m glad I retained mine. If I were a man Would I have this problem?

Harakiri I do not ant to derail too far from this topic but to answer you directly. True love is no based on factors but on qualities that a person has and these do not fade,
The major problem most men have is that they do not respect women. When you do not respect woman, you cannot love her. No one can love what he does not respect or hold in high esteem.It is a shame that the African male has been reduced to this because this is the break down of the society that we are facilitating. It is not I but rather you that have been influenced by the propaganda without even knowing it.

In such a situation I think I will jump on the man and attack him Maybe stupid but I will not be able to control myself.
From there I would shed tears.

Ohaechesi, you sound like a man that has been hurt. Real happiness is not of a temporal nature. It is not a feeling stimulated by events or occurrences, but a permanent state of the mind.
A woman that ridicules you does not make you feel like a man. A real man must not have his pride and dignity abused.
Only a woman that can love and respect you at all times and make you feel like a man.

No it was the birds and bees information . The teacher he kids talk probably to know how much the knew, so she could step in appropriately. It is the 3 class, the other kids are mostly 8 and a few 9, mine just started earlier.
The teachers here have ways of getting information from kids. From KG the have the morning circle and kids tell what happened over the weekend at home. I groom my kids pretty early about what is private and what not.
One has to be real careful because sometimes these teachers have a vivid imagination.
I recollect an incident in the primary school, the little girl was crying because she was to go on holiday to a W african country without her mum, just the dad.
Before you knew it the teacher informed the social workers that the girl was to be circumcised in Africa, that was why the dad was taking her home.

I think marriage should be based on understanding.
This true love hardly exists initially. Most times we are infatuated, physically attracted, or just in love with the idea of being in love.
It is very important hen choosing a partner to look at the person closely. How does the person relate with others, how does he behave. No need marrying a nasty person who is just nice to you because when the love fades, he gets nasty to you too.
With understanding and respect, true love grows. That is the love that lasts forever.
This butterfly love fizzles out sometimes very quickly.
At this stage it is understanding, compassion and tolerance that keeps the home together allowing the candle to be lighted again.

Harakiri and Ohaechesi,
I am so sorry that both of you have never met a woman that makes you feel like a man. Sometimes too we are blind and do not see our fortune even when it is standing right before your very nose.
I do not think that most women want anything more than love and companionship from a man, but maybe I am naive.

The children were encouraged to tell the teacher all the know. My kid came back with allot of stories. The kids were also asked the different names for the private parts and so he came back with such detailed stories I had to gasp. Many of the kids told stories, some had even watched it on tv, etc.

oyinmama
That was exactly how my kids reacted
Yesterday one came home and the teacher had been telling them, how the kids come into the tummy.
My 7 year looked at me in disgust and asked me
"So that is what you do with papa?"

Johndoe, would you knock out the teeth of your worst enemy?
No matter what the woman did, is that the solution beating her up?
Do you believe that a woman who does something wrong and gets so badly beaten, would repeat that offence again? She would be filled with fear.
Texasgirl analysed the situation very well and she has real insight in this matter. Such men do not out themselves initially and the beating gets worse with time. I think these men get some sadistic pleasure out of beating a woman.
I think your reply is an insult to women who are going through hell in marriage. Nothing gives a man the right to beat his wife so badly.How would you feel if it was your sister or daughter?
I have made such experiences in my first marriage. My husband walked the few friends I had out of the house, and he stalked me when I went out. That way I was cut of from most friends. Everyone in the neighbourhood knew what was going on. Once the priest sent some christian mothers to me and my husband walked them out of our house with abuses. They prayed allot for me and gave me the strength I needed to flee. That even though the catholic church is against divorce.
I try to recollect sometimes years later what my offence were and honestly it was nothing a normal man would even comment about. When we first got married we had to spend some months in the North and he would bring home about 5 or 6 of his friends to eat lunch at home. It had to be pounded yam. After quite a while I suggested to him that he should maybe go the mess with his friends because I was finding it difficult to pound yam, since I had never really had much experience with it. He made no comment. That evening he suggested we go for a drive. He drove way out, not a soul only desert. Then he stopped and suggested we take a walk. After we got some distance away from the road he pulled out his gun and told me he could leave my corpse there and no one would find me. It was a privilege for a woman to have a husband and to cook for him. I should thank him when he eats my food.  He trashed the living daylight out of me for things like, I looked a man in the face or I did not open the door when he came home. He was not ready to use his key a wife should be awake waiting for her husband and that at 2 or 3 almost every morning. When his superior reprimanded him because he saw the bruises he  started  flogging me with his belt. He would flog me on my trunk and upper legs only and challenge me to go and expose my body to anyone, then I would have an even greater problem. 
When I had a child I brought her home the very next day. That night I locked myself in the room because I could see that look in his eyes that spelt trouble. He broke down the door and forced himself on me busting all my stitches. I was so weak and in pain. I had to go back to the hospital to get it re-stitched. By the time the doctor came the baby was crying and hungry, I was breast feeding and had no bottle with me, While I was there screaming with pain, my husband insisted they put the baby on my breast and the nurse actually did as he said but I pleaded with her not to allow my child drink my pain over my breast. I thank God she listened to me, she sent my husband away and told him they needed to work alone and she would do as he said. She put her finger into the baby`s mouth to keep it quiet. On the way back and days after he was making jokes about how I screamed.
This is just a drop in the bucket, there was allot more that I even feel too bad to mention it.
So now please tell me what this c-u-n-t as you call me did to deserve all this?
Do you believe I was not making efforts to do it all right? It got to a stage that when I heard his car, my heart would pound madly and I would jump up to make sure that there was absolutely nothing to comment on that I had overlooked. Still he would find something to drive him mad. The curtains did not hang right or the phone was engaged when he tried to call, I cooked with too little meat or too much meat, I should bring his slippers before his meal.
The reason I stayed so long in the marriage was also because of such views like you have. You need to behave yourself, show more respect, all you educated girls etc, 
Then again I was too ashamed to tell most of what was going on.
After some years I developed health problems, my heart was racing constantly uncontrollably and I would get this feeling like I was not getting any air and was suffocating. I had a lump in my throat that would not go away.Then I did not know it was psychological and due to the stress. At that time in Nigeria, no one really paid attention to such things. Finally I got to about two doctors. One an ENT and he explained to me it was all in the mind to do with stress. The other doctor examined me, I said nothing to him, he asked me to bring my husband along. I told him he would not come. The doctor gave me one year and I would be gone, if I did not leave that man. That without me even telling him my problems.
Sorry this is so detailed, this is not meant to arouse sympathy or to condemn anyone, just to help. I got help from others who opened my eyes, that I was not to blame and that I could not change it and that thigs were happening that simply should not happen.
,

Pastore, suicide is an even bigger sin than divorce. This woman is committing suicide. The man is going to kill her.

In some counties you have an option of a fine to pay. This amount is rather insignificant. Try finding out .

There is no guarantee. You just do your best and hope and hope for the best. When the sacrifice, love and tolerance is only from one side, it may not be enough.
Some men are mean and without conscience. The more you give, the more the abuse you and scorn you. All pleas only disgust them.
They will go on to do what they want to do.
How many years will you wait for a man to change and come back to his senses?
What about a man that has no sense?

Yes, I want to believe he will do the same for me.

For that amount I will accommodate her as second wife

A five year old knows a great deal, much more than parents sometimes suspect. Don`t forget that they get exposed outside to alot of talk from other kids. That is why we need to clear our kids up. The fact that a kid asks a question is already an indication that there is a desire for knowledge. It is also maybe an indication that he has been exposed to the topic, either in conversation or from what he sees. Very often kids ask these questions when their mums are pregnant too.
That is why I think it is the duty of parents to clear their kids up.

I would tell my child the truth but with vocabulary appropriate for his age. I would want my kid to hear it from me first rather than outside. One has to be careful with kids. I have seen cases where parents gave very explicit information and the kids went to KG or school to tell their friends.

emmatok, how right you are.
Sometimes I think that these people are motivated by a deep seated complex. they do not understand, that no matter how much you peacock the outside, it does not compensate for the nothingness inside. The sad thing about it is that I have seen women all done up to the teeth but it does not make them more attractive. The picture just looks somehow out of place.
another issue entirely is that I wonder how one can reconcile a money orgy in a world so filled with poverty and starvation.
I guess that is why it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle,

If you can afford it why not. I think this most is more about women who can`t really or should not really be affording it.

There is really nothing you can do but I can understand how you feel. It certainly is good to have some background info especially as the kid lives with you.
Maybe with time he might open up.
This topic may still not be an easy one for him. Maybe he is still hurt, bitter or just ashamed of her.

@Radiant, why should we speculate about absurd things. Have you ever heard of a child asking its mother how to masturbate?If my kid asked me what mastrubation is about, and why people do it I shall tell my kid the truth.
Do you really believe that kids are that stupid. I do not tell my kids lies. Do you imagine that my kids will take me serious if I start telling them cock and bull stories.
I think you need to find out what psychologist say about masturbation and kids/ teenagers. I want my kids to grow up with a health state of mind also regarding such topics.

@Jokytech,
Now I cannot imagine a child of mine coming to tell me the want to do such a thing but if I were to find out, I defiantly would not make an issue about it. I would not even scold the child , I see no reason why I should. I definitely would not encourage it, but I would not condemn it.
Why should I tell my kids it is a sin when I don`t look at it as one.

You need to start thinking differently.
Look at it this way. If she came from a poor family, you might be complaining here that she spends so much on her family, her people are vultures, parasites etc.
You also need to know that the rich tend to have more of a social life and activities they attend.
Look at the woman without her family and ask yourself if you love her? I think you do because I could not read otherwise between the lines. Also I could not read out that the family disregard you. The family is just living their life and want the daughter to be a part of it. You need to adjust to that.
You do not need to attend all activities but let her go with a good feeling and be there for her like a loving husband when she comes back. You would see, that your relationship will improve.
Instead of complaining have you ever tried the other way. "Darling don`t stay too late because I will be missing you.
This woman and her family accepted you the way you are, do you not think you owe them the same. You do not need to have your wife around you 24 hours.
I think you just need to erase does negative feelings and be yourself.

Jokytech there are other ways. like taking a shower, or simply doing something else to take your mind of it.
Is self servicing a sin?
Do we not sometimes opt for a lesser sin.
Or maybe you want him to cut it off if it causes him to sin. That would be the Christian way.
Personally I do not see it as a sin. How does it hurt ones neighbour or offend God?
Would it not have been better if this teenager opted for that method.
You may have your views about it, as I have mine but I would never come on the idea of telling my kids that it is a sin. Do you know that most people do or have done it at one point in time but no one wants to admit it.