₦airaland Forum

agathamari:
awwww poor poor baby. if you didnt want my responce, you shouldnt have addressed me, yet alone with a question

It's ok. I'm not fighting u in any way. your advice is good. You only have a wrong impression about me, and that's what makes me feel bad. Truly, my wife knew b/4 I met her that I was nt a womaniser. For years into our marriage, I never tried anything like that until l8ly. I dont expect u 2 believe me. Often, I have no cause to tell lies here; I'm nt a teenager 4 gudness sake. What u shld know is that a person who used to eat 3-square meals a day, & suddenly starts eating 2 or one a WEEK, has cause to be sad, angry and feel dejected.

U may nt understand, u re a lady. Most men will appreciate wht I'm saying. That, nt withstanding, I hv made considerable improvements, based on what pple like u have recommended. I still hurt inside. It's hurting b/c u see ladies jumping on u daily (u dont want), yet sombody dt is bona fide partner for u is not coming forth any longer. That's hell! That's worse than hell.

Let me stop here. Wish I cld talk 2 u or smbody else, to knw hw it's really like. Mail me if u can.
I'm nt seeking pity anything, like u think.

@Lanre & Texazzpete

I appreciate.

agathamari:
a relativly harmless std, one that will ensure noone will wanna touch your little friend. could be worse (lord only knows what you exposed yourself to already)

as to your celabacy (a whopping 12 days worth)- you want a cookie? a gold star? a standing ovation? what? you finaly start acting your age and having atleast a slight bit of respect for your vows and now you want me to throw you a parade?

Look, this woman, u r haunting & condemning me so much. What hv I done 2 u? In short leave me alone to my woes; I will survive it. It's my cross; I guess, I can bear it, I ve already started.

agathamari:
as far as my other statement basicaly means i hope you gets warts from you games

This is nt fair to write.


Meanwhile, do u knw I ve nt had s.ex dis month (today is Feb 12)? is dt fair?

sinie:
3 kids in four years

How is that even possible

@ Poster, I think you are wicked and inconsiderate! Do you know what it takes to carry a pregnany for nine months and pass through the pains of labour And she did it 3 times within a space of four years And all you can talk about is intimacy Gosh!

You'd be blind not to know the reason behind her frigidness. She ACHES for God's sakes . . . And you are going on about how you've been getting it on with other women? You feel guilty? That's not good enough!

If you know you love that woman, I suggest you put aside your selfish lust for once, pay attention to her and to her needs, do everything you can to ensure she regains her health back, try as much as you can to help with the kids . . . and I bet you, you'll get your se.x life with her back in no time!

@sinie

Tnx 4 ur comments. But i knw it'll b a shock 4 u 2 know dt she's d one dt wnts plenty children. I wanted only one child. I entered the labour room with her d first time & saw her suffer serious labour pain. I came out & sincererely told her that that one child was enough. But u cant believe that she was d one that pressed 4 d rest. So, b4 u crucify, u understand the genesis & the real story. Can u c dt I was d one feeling 4 her and dt I am NOT wicked like u think? So, do not judge based on that. Even d interval was her making. The 2nd, & d 3rd; she says she wants them 2 come fast (early), so she can rest. I mean, I dont believe in too many children. Dt s even stress 4 both of us. I think it would b right 4 me 2 deserve an apology, but dt nt withstanding, let's leave it.

manutayo:
have you ever had a discussion related to this with your wife before?
If not you need to start having close discusion with her and making her know how you feel It help.
You are together in the marriage and for it to work you have to do it together.

@manutayo
i hv. it's still ongoing. i also believe it will work out one day.


@Agatha
i hv heard u. cngrts; i didnt knw u re married. didnt meant 2 insult or b derogatory. it pains means & it shall stop. i dont even think i ve done any lately. it sounds better 2 go bck 2 mastu.bation as a married man? at least until things get better. i fell debas'ed after that. I also have obvious physical consequencies nt 2 talk abt here.


meanwhile, can u explain wht this means:

tá súil agam duit deireadh suas le warts giniúna leithscéal leat pathetic le haghaidh an duine a

@inpain & shope
Tnx. i m very gr8ful 4 d encouragemt.

agathamari:
there is no try, do or do not. if you want to stop you stop. not well "im gonna attempt to sometime in the next 11 months but i do care honest!" your sooo full of bull sh1t. i really hope you wife has been reading this because noone deserves this. "ill try and stop" what a laugh. yet another lame excuse from a 15 year old parading around in an adults body

@Agatha
It's not as if I want to wait for 11 months. I means it has to take some conscious moves. U dont even know what steps i ve taken as I write. So, u dont judge that way.

By the way, I told a story on this thread abt a female friend of mine lamenting that d hubby doesnt give her s.ex at times 6 months. The man doesnt make l.ove to her for months and she is dying in silence. d man claims he is very tired each day after work. Mayb, if u are NOT married yet, it would be better for u to marry such a husband. So u would know wht I m going thru.

@poster

Pls, don't do it. I regret my actions everyday. It hurts, hunts and haunts me like hell even as a man, who has the "license to cheat." How much more you, a "lesser mortal,"

Read my story: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-359397.32.html

Busy_body:
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-392923.0.html#msg5446859

This case happened over a decade ago, and her Husband only cheated on her with one woman, you on the other hand were playing the field with every Shola, Ngozi and Hajaratu that came your way

I've read it. That's the more reason, I shouldn't let her know. I'm trying to stop in. We are talking, and I'm taking a lot of beautiful and wonderful advice from ppl like you here. I'm NOT as bad as u guys think. I promise, my goal is to stop it this year (sooner), and I will come back here to give my testimony.

Thanks BB

agathamari:
^^^^^^ oh come on now. your worried about the stigma of masterbation as a married man (no significant negative side effects in doing so unless you become "fixated". unless you believe the old wives tale you'll go blind) then the stigma of adultery? proctologist actualy encourage thier patients to masterbate for crying out loud. all you want is someone to tell you what your doing is ok, nothing mre http://www.collectivewizdom.com/BenefitsofMasturbation

@agathamari
To the contrary, that's nt what I want. I already knw it's nt good; I also acknwldged it's wrong. I'm nt looking 4 justifaction. I m seeking advice on hw 2 make my s.ex life better in my ,marriage.

browncocos:
maybe u arent satisying her sexually?
many men just come on top of a woman,hump away,come,roll over n sleep off
are u sure ure making love or just having intimacy?
those are 2 entirely different things
cause i dont understand y shes always tired
i mean you have 2 helps taking care of the kids

@browncocos
I think she can testify to that anyway.
As for kids, I do; I also said we have helps and relatives of sorts in da hse.

u probably have changed since u married her
u need 2 ask her why shes doing this i second busy-body's opinion
u def have failed and or wronged this woman
or maybe she has found out ure cheating and shes punishing u

I DONT think I ve changd. Well, I m honest. I dont hang out late, I prefer to b wit her more often, but she cant met d demand, as per the main issue. As a matter of fact, she said she had to fast 4 God to help her s.exually, only to change her mind when other women told her NOT to worry, it was a general problem; and she relaxed. So u can see dt it s nt really my fault.

Fire777:
@poster,

I know exactly how u are feeling, because i am in the same situation. i get it like twice a month if i am lucky.
i have actually sat my wife down severally on this issue, but no change. I initially cheated but later stopped and accepted my faith .
the marriage is just over 4 years and i am already sexually frustrated.

Talk to your wife if she can change, leave all this people that are abusing you, if they were in your shoe they would have done worst. and take it to God in prayers.

I tot I was alone, or making abnormal demands. I almost felt abnormal over my "inordinate" demands or like someone who doesnt love his y5.

Guys, leave me alone. Do u know as a married man, I used to mastur.bate until I read that mastur.bation is bad to one's health? What have I not done to prevent all this. It pains me when pple feel he s just like the man he is. It s unbelievable dt b4 i went into this I was mastur.bating! but I did it, just to save my y5 dt sorrow & pain.. I feel pain.

ceasyc:
@poster, if u tell her, it might end your marriage.
If u don't tell her, she might hear it from sum1 else
N dat na wahala ohh.
If it were me, I'll prefer to hear it from my hubby than from sum1 else.
Either way, I'll hate it/u - Adultery!

Obviously, she has a problem, u shud b there 4 her n support her,
not u sleeping around n saying na u cos am. Wot if it were d other
way around? U go like? Hope u used a c*ndom every time? Cos sum men
sleep around n bring HIV home to their faithful wives. Abeg oh!

D bible says don't commit adultery, dats exactly wot u did - u committed ADULTERY!

As 4 talking to her about d s*x thingy btw d 2 of u which hasn't worked or
changed a tin, I advise u both go c a doc/therapist. Good luck

Thanks. I appreciate, but I dont think telling her wil help. I knw her very well. Again, reading about Tiger Woods marriage scared me. It's nt every woman dt can take it. I fear, d situation might grow worse if tell her. I knw it will.

mama-gee:
Poster. . .
Your essay is too long for me to read.

@mama-gee
Yes, I know it's long. If u can, I would appreciate hearing from u. Pls, take time to peruse d story from beginning & advise.


And to those condemning me, I never planned it this way. I vowed i was nt gonna do this kinda thing. Do u knw what it means for a married man to mastu.bate? Mayb, i wd but a intimacy gadget, or something? sounds stupid!

Anyway, I knw I will still riggle out if it.

Busy_body (f)
« #30 on: February 02, 2010, 05:47 PM »

Apart from the glaring issue of lack of intimacy in your marriage, which is vital to keep any union going, there is also lack in communication. The day she caught you with tears in your eyes was the day you had the chance to pour out your heart to her (leaving out the small fact that you have been cheating on her). Few questions to ask you:

Since that episode she caught you in tears, did she swallow your "plausible get-out" story hook, line and sinker or has she made further enquiries probing you further?

With regards to her general demeanor, is it only when it comes to s.ex that she becomes cool and aloof?

What is she like around the children?

Has her attitude to them changed?

Does she make a fuss over you and the kids in general or does she snap at you all for no reason?

You mentioned you have househelps etc, but how is the state of your house?

Does she take pride in her home or does she act unbothered and leaves the househelps to their own device?

Would you know if she has any hang-ups about her body and feels unsexy and inadequate?

Could she be suffering from post natal depression?

Could she be clinically depressed?

Sorry for meandering with my a thousand and one question, but i am just trying to get to the bottom of her change in attitude to s.ex, which was never a problem before and probably deduce if the issues you are facing in your matrimonial home is not restricted to just s.ex.

I appreciate your particular concern. I feel at least, someone understands and feels for me and not curses, curses and abuses. Thank you so much.

- I knew she probably would have collapse if she I had told her the truth about why I was shedding tears; it was just fear of the consequences. Like I told you, I love her and wouldn’t want to seek her hurt

- I can tell you she is 100% excellent when it comes to attention to children; she can wake up 20 times in the night to attend to the kids, but finds it difficult to sacrifice 30 minutes in two days for s.ex.

- About the house, she derives joy in cleaning the house and keeping everywhere very decent—which is excellent—but, all these compared to s.ex are tranferable functions. I mean, a house-help can clean the house, mop the floor, even cook food but a house-help is not a substitute for s.ex. Se.x is NOT a transferable function. The problem is I have told her that I prefer having those things (chores) undone to s.ex starvation. But she uses them (chores) as alibi for not having s.ex, claiming tedium from work and house chores as the reason for running away from s.ex.

- Post-natal depression? I don’t know. I have asked her for us to seek medical advice, but she wouldn’t, saying nothing is wrong with her; that she has chatted with other working-class wives & their case is even worse. I also discovered that when she really wants to give me s.ex, she give it without a match. And I keep wondering why I can’t have it more often & stop this stupidity.


The major thing I would say is that I tend to be more caring whenever I get s.ex. Dont misunderstnd me. It takes away so much stress & tension from me which ordinarily I unknowingly transfer to d pple around me. May sound childish; b/c it may nt be d same for other men.

Busy_body (f)
« #31 on: February 02, 2010, 06:26 PM »

Here's a couple of suggestion i was able to come up with:


Firstly, Without hearing your wife's side of the story, it is not possible to decipher whether her intention to accept your offer of marriage was done out of love, but there is no denying the fact that you love your wife and worship the ground she walks on, so it would not be preposterous for you to "simulate" that moment your wife caught you in tears once more, be natural, utilise this moment to ask her to table out your shortcomings as a man, your failure as her husband, how you have failed her, what you could do to right any wrong you could have done her . . . ask her if this is the reason she is no longer in love with you and is neglecting you. . .


If she genuinely loves you, she will open up to you sooner or later and make amends to save her marriage.


Whilst waiting for her to respond, think back to the way things used to be when you were still dating, what you both enjoyed doing, think back to what made her tick, her likes and interest, how you both spent quality times together looking out for each other and making each other happy . . . and try and see if you can recreate these moments.


Whether she has responded or not, leave the kids at home with your relatives, whisk her out to somewhere nice and romantic like a restaurant, reminisce about the good times you used to have, don't try to control your emotion, let the tears flow if they want to again, ask her again about your sins and how to resolve it. Go over the reason she was the special one you chose to spend the rest of your life with and make it clear to her that you can't go on without her and your beautiful kids, that they all are the reason for your being.


After your date, don't go straight home, find another spot that is more secluded like a lake or a beach, break down all over again and plead with her, don't subconsciously hate her for forcing you to stoop so low as to cheat on her, but instead channel your guilt into your emotion, whatever you do, don't tell her because she will never forgive you FOR LIFE . . .


Keep this up for as long as you can bear and hopefully things would change for the better. Don't forget to also explore the medical angle as to whether she could be depressed. Wish you all the best in your matrimonial home.

Thanks BB, I will try most of these again. I m grateful.

Mine is, IF NIGERIA IS CONFIRMED DEAD,

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO AFRICAN FOOTBALL? (Egypt is the best at 10th position)

mama-gee:
Poster. . .
Do you have statistics or proof to back up this bogus claim?

Yes

1. The Sun newspaper source speaks volumes

2. I handle jobs that have to do with people filling in their next of kin; & from there, I have noticed that over 98% of women use their children as the NEXT OF KIN

3. Mama-gee, I guess u re married: Who is your NEXTof KIN? That will conclude d whole story. Answer it.

otukpo:
God don catch am.

I didnt steal

stillwater:
The Nigerian husbands must be really bad. You men really need to go for some moral check up. Chai see as they disowned you people.

Nah. Nigrn hhusbands ar nt bad. They re better than wht we have out there. D wives read all kinds of one-off stories, have influence from ladies abroad where marriages die like mosquitos, crave superiority and power, begin to feel the worst is on d way. Compared to abroad, hw many marriages fail in Nigeria? It's just that ladies are worried abt fear of d unknwn.

Almost every man 9ja now knws it now that wives harbour all kinds of 'evil plan' including next of kin thing. Yet, MOST 9ja men still use their wives (NOT CHILDREN) as next of kin. WHo is more trustworthy then?

wakagirl:
The truth of this matter here is that you will CHEAT, CHEAT and continue to. If your sexual urge is that strong and your wife's has gone that bad u will have no choice than to cheat just be careful while at it.
I know lots of ppl will call me all sort of names now because truth is bitter and lots of pretenders here. Talking to married women about this does not result in any improvement, once they dont have that urge they dont u cant really do much about it. This is one of the main reasons men even pastors, immams or whoever cheats.

As for the one crying on your shoulder she is not likely to be saying the truth and pls dont go for her. you are an adult so know where to tread but he truth is with the way you guys are you will cheat and again JUST BE CAREFUL. This has been since the biggining of the world and can never end so spare me those pretence, even Eve had intimacy with Satan and that was where it all started.

Thank so much 4 d encouragement. I only wandered if u re married. Most single girls tend to think they will always satisfy their man when married; but when they get married, the case changes - with reference to many comments in NL & what pple say. Mayb u re single, dts y ur advice is better.

On the married lady story. We were class mates & very close. That never crossed my mind. In fact, I started d topic; she was very hesitant initially. Again she s married. I m really nt a bad person; it s just dt circumstance. Really.

I dont agree with the Eve thing. It was only apple; i think so.

agathamari:
@poster im asuming you are an adult and as an adult you should understand that in the beging of a relationship it is always "hot" lots of s.ex all the time and as the relationship ages the se.x becomes less frequent.  love is what is left after the se.x. like the saying goes "getting married so you can have se.x is like buying an airline so you can have peanuts (the little bags they used to hand out on flights)".  if you got married for se.x- you got married for the wrong reason.  telling your wife will not increase the ferequency of s.ex - it will cause a dry spell the length of which soley depends on you.  your wife may already know about or suspect your actions.  strong women can sit on this information for years waiting for the perfect time to expose it when you cannt deny it, women with poor self esteem/worth will sit on this info believing it thier "fault" because soo many men claim it is and this only further degrads thier self worth thus decreasing the desire for intimacy.  you were the one who screwed up, the one who chose to break his marriage vows, chose to disrespect his wife not only in private but in public as im sure at least one other person knows the act (friends, bell hop, driver, shop owner, waitress, whatever) you are sitting here worried about the consiquence to you - how selfish.  this has nothing to do with you but everything to do with her (if the roles were reversed then it would have to do with you).  you are putting your wife's life at risk because you want to act like a 16yr old child (std are real many incurable and not preventable with condom uses while condoms are not 100%, hell cervical cancer is caused by an std that has NO symptoms!)  you need to decide if you actualy love your wife or not.  if you love her then you will stop all your inapropriate behavior, sit her down and confess everything to her and answer every question she has for as long as she has them.  beg her forgivness. do not put the blame on her, she did not force you to do anything- you choose to end of story.  you will have to prove to her you can be trusted again and that can take a long time and alot of effort on your part.  remeber you are at fault the only way to fix it is to remeber no matter how bad any of this makes you feel if makes her feel worse.  you are supposed to feel like poo for your actions- you need to show her you were wrong and she is your world.  if you have no respect for her as a living being then by all means continue what your doing

You sound like God & make me feel like one man already in hell. I knew all that & made it clear. I also said dt I didnt enjoy what i did, b/c I m nt like that.

But, there s somthing u guys dont really undstnd. For me, just like most men out there, s.ex is major stress reliever. I do NOT drink/smoke. When stressed up, I prefer 2 fall in2 her waiting arms. I made dt clear to her b4 we even started, & it really worked. My major worry is that s.ex dropped drastically 4rm the frequency when we started, to d appalling stage we are now. It breaks me in2 pieces.

chika98:
Tell her about it and watch everything unfold. She will found out sooner or later. Those expectations are rather high for a woman with young children. How can you expect her to make love to you 3-4times a day like you lot were a bunch of rabbits?? Beats me!

debosky:
Don't tell her about the cheating - she'll likely never forgive you.

Put the women away, focus on your wife and work on redeveloping your intimacy with her. If she's stressed out, try to relieve her workload so she's more relaxed.

Making love 3 times a day with two/three young kids is not going to happen - there just isn't enough time in the day.

You need to manage your expectations as well as make her understand what you miss about how things were.

@chika98 & debosky
I didnt say 3-4 times a day. I said a WEEK (see my post again). I will b silly 2 b asking 4 such now. I said dt i would be ok for only 3 - 4 x in a week. I mean dt s a lot of conceding (from 2 -3x a day). I'm nt even asking 4 daily s.ex. I'm also considerate & tot it made sense.

tpia.:
these kinds of threads on NL are usually "somehow" ie fake or manipulative.

But three kids in four years of marriage?
why didnt you space them since you like intimacy so much?

and since you didnt practice birth control, why not help out with the childcare, because if you were, you'd understand why your wife is always tired.

Quite obviously, you're not helping take care of those babies.

I dont really see you as the victim here.

And are you having unprotected intimacy outside, exposing yourself to STDs?

@tpia.
I wrote 4 yrs plus. And as I write now, it's already 5 yrs plus. There s nothing manipulative there. I also never mentioned unprotected s.ex.

About assisting in taking care of d babies, we have 2 hse helps & other relatives staying with us. I dont think hse chores is d issue.


Mind u, I have done every explanation & talking, but things have not changed. D only thing I ve NOT done is CONFESSION, which I m scared to do.

By the way, I met an old (female) friend of mine, who is also married with 2 kids. We really got talking & digressed into d marital s.ex issue. I was shocked to hear dt her hubby has nt touched her 4 d last 6 months. I WAS SHOCKED TO D MARROW! She is d one begging 4 it, & d man keeps saying "I'm tired, my work, my this." She of course accused her hubby of infidelity and felt there in no other reason for it. I dont know true that is. She was sobbing as she opened up. Initially, I couldn't talk b/c it was strange (VERY STRANGE) to me. I eventually opened up, and she too was shocked. I felt for her. I sounds like a fable, or Movie Magic stories, but this happend just a few days ago.

I tot abt telling my wife this story as a motivation, but after a second tot, felt she might begin to think I have something to do with d innocent (VERY INNOCENT) lady.

Is this world fair at all? Honestly NOT fair. Not fair an inch.

This thing called marriage should be scrapped. I think most women basically marry just to have children and change their status and NOT 4 love. Men be wise! !!

What a shame!


Read Sun Newspaper Interview

http://www.sunnewsonline.com/webpages/features/wiveslive/2010/jan/31/wiveslive-31-01-2010-001.htm

Kingsley4all:
I know nothing about the nurses but the bankers are professionals. If u are a beautiful chic mail me. Kingsley4all2005@yahoo.co.uk

From which group now: Nurses or Bankers?

@lovemoi,

I'm the one (I can say ur real names if u doubt). So u brought out conversations to NL? I didnt know i bored u. U shld hv told me. I just wanted to find out d kind of person u re. At least, now, I can change gear. I can imagine d kind of talk u desire. Pls, pardon my test-run.

NL, tnks 4 some good advice u gave us. I m nt dumb as most tot. Keep test-running.

@19 Was d thing consensual? THen, d major issue is abortion if it can be proved. Else, no legal case & nothing will come out if it.

Yes. But you will surely scare away his girlfriend(s) to be.

My wife almost took off b/c she thought I was dating such a girl, but it was platonic. I took me months to convice her nothing was happening.

Less than one year (20 months precisely!)!!

What's happening to all these (Nigerian) celebs? The worst is these are role models for our youths. The last time it was Nollywood's Monalisa Chinda, Stephanie Okereke, just name them, Nigeria is doomed!

bubugul:
ada amu aka ekpe n'nka

Nwanne m nwanyi, I gbaliala n'asusu anyi a I si n'obodo oyibo ede. Otutu n'ime anyi ndi no n'obobo Naijiria enweghi ike idete ya otu a . Onye-nwe-anyi goziere m gi.

Asi m na o buru na asusu Bekee ekweghi nwata nwanyi a amuta, ya bido suwa nke olu ndi be anyi. Ya burugodu Igbo, ma obu Awusa, ma O bu Yoruba, ma o bo Efik, ma o bu Kalabari, ma o bu Ishan. Ma ya ekwela ka ihere mee di ya n'ogbo. Ya ekwula otutu okwu, ya mewe ka onye ogbi, ma o bu onye e jighi ikwu okwu we mara. Nke a ga-enye aka ikpuchi 'mmehie' ya.

Igbo ndi oma m ji eme onu,

Ndeewonu.

Translation:
[my sister, I commend you for writing our language from the whiteman's land. A lot of us who live in Nigeria cannot write it well like you have done. May God bless you.

My opinion is, if his wife cannot learn English, let her speak her native language, be it Igbo, or Hausa, or Yoruba,  But let her not disgrace her husband outside. Let her not be talkative, let her behave like a dumb person or somebody who is NOT known for talking too much. This will help to cover her 'sins.'

I'm proud of Nairaland.]

Ndeewonu.

************************************************

I know some people will be jealous. Go, speak/write your own language. At least I can speak/write my own & English 100%. If you are angry, write your own language, let's us verify and congratulate u.

kulyie:
@harakiri d fool is here again givin useless advice as usual. MR I TOO KNOW .d world should have bin a beta place if people like u dont exist.i pray i dont have a child dat will constitute a nuisance anywere he is.( like u )how wount u no dat an 8 yr old child is selling on d street wen u r a low life urself.am hapy people like me dont even no dat 8 yr olds sell on d street cos i was never brought up 2 see n smell poverty.n my 18yr old sister is askin weda u r 10 yr old.cos u sound like an impoverishedn malnourished ghetto child.dat we av loggerheads with our parents doesnt take away d fact dat dey luv us, dirty little tin .so sorry i wish u cud be more refined

Kulyie, who does this refer to? Pls, clarify.

Wait for your turn!!!

, Lol

This is official looting, constitutionalised!