serubawon:

Hmmmm,  Actually, I have no problems about saying what went wrong.  Also, I think the 'anonymous' problem has been taken care of as nemesis has agreed not to contribute in that regard anymore.

First of all, I may have contributed to the problem in that I allowed people to pressure me into the relationship in the first place.  Also, there was a disparity in maturity between us that didn't show at the early stages of the relationship.  Please don't get me wrong, she is a nice person and will make somebody a wonderful wife one day.  That person just isn't me unfortunately.

When we met, she found out that the easiest way to get to me is through my kids.  I am insanely over-protective and my belief is that if my kids are happy and well taken care of, I would be content with that.  However, as time went on, she would ask me weird questions like "where will the kids live after we get married" or "do I love my kids more than her"  To the 2nd question, of course my answer was my kids and I could see she didn't really like that.  Later on, she would ask me if I would love "her" kids as much as I love "my" kids.  Now that set off red flags in my mind. Your love for your children is completely different from the love you have for your spouse. They are two parallel lines that can't meet, but exist side by side.

The 2nd issue was that she was in the country illegally.  Now on it's own, I don't have a problem with that.  However, she didn't explain the circumstances of how she came into the country.  When we went to my lawyer to sort out how I would file immigration papers for her after marriage, the truth came out because the lawyer already new what her problem was by the time she "explained" things.  I felt kind of silly when we left the lawyers office because[b] she didn't come out clean with me in the 1st place[/b].  (I don't need to go into details on what the problem was, but I guess some people get the picture)

I firmly believe in being honest with your partner, no matter what.  A person who truly loves you will stick with you (as long as you are honest)  You should not be judged by your past.  However, you might want to tell your partner some sensitive things that will affect both of you in the future.  I'm not perfect and I've done some pretty silly things in my youth, however, I'm one of those guys who is a little bit too honest sometimes.  It has however served me good as I have nothing to hide and nothing about my past can come out later as an embarrassment in the future because I would have talked about it myself.

Finally, she had a problem whenever my kids spoke of their mother or her name came up in a conversation.  She would frown, sulk and all of a sudden, the wonderful person that I thought she was started to give way to a completely different persona.  My late wife will forever be a part of our lives.  I am careful not to talk about her, but you can't expect my kids to just forget about their mom because you don't like them mentioning anything about her.  No matter what, she's just a memory now, but a strong one.  What would she do if i was divorced and the person was alive?  God knows.

I've found out that no matter how much you pretend, the truth WILL come out.  My only regret is that she has been the only one that I allowed to come into my children's lives and it affected them because they couldn't understand why she had mood swings whenever they would mention things about their mom or why she suddenly stopped showing up, when we broke up.

I'm not saying that I didn't have a part in all this, but all in all, I didn't want to imagine what she would be like when she would have children of her own and I can't bear the thought of someone mistreating my kids, period.  When I finally decided that it had to end and told my family members, I was surprised to hear that they also had some things to say about how she was when I wasn't around and they just didn't want to influence whatever I decided to do (though I'm sure my mom and sisters would have stepped in if they saw that I was making a bad mistake).  Women are better at seeing things than we men.

So, that's why it didn't work out.  There were a lot of other things, but I guess you'll be bored hearing unimportant details.  Now, I'm just content to take my time and wait for the right time, God's time.  It seems to take forever sometimes, but I guess it's best to wait.

I have been following this thread for a while.
The bolded part are way serious issues which shocked and suprised me but thank God you noticed and broke up. God bless you for always thinking of your children,not many men will.I believe some day you will find happiness,keep hope alive by praying to God for that special woman,she exists.

2 children.

@OP
I know of someone who had all babies via CS because she said its Straightforward and far better,not for any medical reason.Another Pharmacist relative after watching an emergency live CS section told me the same thing only she quickly changed her mind when we went  visiting and saw the terrible pain the lady who had the CS was in. For me its whichever is safer at the time of delivery either CS or natural birth so far mother and child are alive and doing well.

MyJoe:

Funny in retrospect i guess.

Bad Customer Service First Bank Opp Wuse market-I was on a very long queue for over 30mins,i became pressed and ask for the convenience i was politely directed to another security guard who directed me to another guard who finally showed me a nearby bush!!!I was shocked and left the bank,didn't bother to join the queue.

I strongly suspect that the girl is being sexually abused and flogging her is not the right way to handle this.It will only cause her to withdraw, shutdown and assume the abuse is her fault.I initially thought she must have watched her parents or some other adults or some movie but

ficoram:

Thank u all for the advice,i must ve bin away for too long to reply on time.i ve informed the mother about it,it seems a simillar thin was reported to her some month ago by the househelp and she delt with the gir[/b]l then.She felt disapointed,and wish i had flogged them the moment i saw it.she is a woman of virtues and ll never condone such immorality,despite her achievement,she still believe children should be disciplined if they misbehave.[b]she is sure those act were not learnt from them as the children bed is well partition from theirs.we ve collectively taken measures to restrict the children from seeing "just anything'' on Tv,and i pray it ll work.
@Oyinmama.At first i took offence at your assumption/accusation,but i decided to overlook it, as i see that u are a concern parent too.i m just new to the house,and ve never invited anybody,plus i dont intend staying for long.you are reasoning like an average Nigerian policeman,which i m sure u are or an acquaintance.it is pple like u that discourage others from doing the right thing or helping others,for fear of being labbeled the culprit.What would ve been your conclusion if it was my own butt the said girl open while i was sleeping?Always get your fact before jumping to conclusion.tnx

Where does a 6 year old then learn penetration?

blank:

Do you know that the so called doctor logged in to the site yesterday? I am sure he came to see how far his cover has blown. Wish the mods will just ban him.

That will be a welcome development but don't be too surprised if he comes up with a new id. I always wondered how a doctor will have time to play 20 questions and be online always,its rather unfortunate that an individual will go through the TTC thread and decide to play doctor at the risk of a fellow human being health,emotions et al.

jennykadry:

^^^CC actually meant that comment. It was no joke.

oh!
CC??
Well,i prefer him walking out on her like he just did,
Some women sha!!smh,

@OP you are very right!Things were not this bad,the family section used to be a very sane section.i don't want to say gone are the days.I sincerely hope with this thread things will be resolved.Can we please be civil?

imconfused:

lol@sisi,jenny,madam cc.
Was shocked at first till i fully got the flow.It's amazing how things look from the other side

Gbam!!
I was especially shocked at CC and Jenny Comments!!!I knew something was amiss when CC said the wife should be slapped back.I get where you guys are coming from,the family section used to be one of the sane,matured section in nairaland,i will give anything to have it back, unfortunately this is public forum and we all cant help but watch the craziness slowly seeping into the family section.I have censored my eyes not read some ids comments.The bitterness and hatred are blinding

@arrangee if this is reallife situation,i am with you on moving out for a while.

Rather interesting to chase "rats"while the "lions" are sleeping!Recently we all watched how the bank-ole matter was swept under the carpets,such related matters have been swept under the carpets in the past.Now its church EFCC wants to put eye on!!

jennykadry:

^^^Don't waste your time. Serubawon will not fancy you. Not after talking about his kids and himself here(with or without pics)

Kai you harsh o!!!

mogbomoya:

Dear Arlington, come and judge oh.  

I want to share my experience of my encounter with Dr. Haastrup. Am not saying authentically that he is scam but am pointing towards that direction.
I have been TTC for 11 months and am a silent reader of Arlington's tread (TTC). Dr. Haastrup came on board and I got impressed with his level of information and his st. nicholas email addy. I decided to give him a call. I read my hormone profile result to him, and he told me outrightly that my biological age was ticking and I should act fast. I panicked and agreed to meet him up at luth. Not knowing my way there, he agreed to pick me up at Obalende, he was really nice and I was impressed with his kind gestures. Alarm bell started ringing when he was overly nice, waited for me infront of Oceanic bank and called me numerous times.
I picked him, and I commented on how nice he was, and gave me some tales on how it's just his nature. We got to luth and I was expecting us to go to his office, but alas he took me to some dingy doctor's hostel. I told him, I was uncomfortable but he sweet talked me out of it.
Every being in me wanted to turn back and go home, but as a despereate woman I said, this might be my messiah, why not give hime a trial.
He had a back pack, and looked nothing like a medical doctor. He brough out a plastic bag and took my blood sample. It was so unprofessionally done and he puntured my hand, 3 times before he could get a blood sample. He said he wld treat me with pregnyl as it was more potent than clomid. He injected me with the mixture.(He collected N28,000 for pregnyl and N20,000 for consultation).

He offered to show me a shorter route home on the agreement that I would pay for his taxi back home. We spoke a lot on the drive home, and he told me he works in Chevron's clinic and lives on the island. He also mentioned about some courses he took in canada. I commended his long articles and he said, oh it was easy for him to write since he types directly from his head!

Well, I went on to the internet, and was shocked to realise that Pregnly was a stimulant used to induce final stage of follicle development.Usually admistered right before ovulation. Ovulation takes place within 48 hrs of the Injection,.Our dear Dr. Haastrup administered his to me on day 3 of my cycle while I was still on my period. I told him my fears, and he said hit does not matter that different different, different times of administration. Only for him to tell me again today that he would have to repeat the dose just before my ovluation!

I further went on to the interent to get more information and I was shocked to see that most of the articles he posted on his tread were directly lifted from a fertility clinic in india. www.drmalpani.com.
I

I was so touched when i read this though addressed to Arlington,You have to be very very careful when you are dealing with people especially online.Your alarm bells ringing should have never been ignored,its your body way of saying sit back and re access the situation,do more research,ask more questions,ask the moderators. Information is a click away thanks to the internet so because one seems knowledgeable is not enough.Did he do a physical,run you through test,ask for your medical history? Gynecologist and fertility specialist are usually very busy people (and will probably not follow you around)and very professional! Everything you said screams unprofessionalism!Please don't be desperate,God will surely answer you.I have a close friend that is TTC and its not easy but with God all things are possible,I advise you to go see a specialist just to be on the safe side,you refered to a mixture.Please stay blessed and safe.

@nemesis please stick with chaircover advice.
I think you came on too strong,guys enjoy the hunt no matter how hard they pretend they don't!

Outstrip:

Don't worry my dear when the first pain comes you will carry the doctors head and put it between your legs for him

ROTFLMAO!

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-282744.2464.html#msg8819907

This should be helpful.

I really cannot understand how some people chose to be reckless with their lives! If the government and the NYSC has shown gross insensitivity by posting corpers to such states,why must one walk into the Lions Den all in the name of Job and discharge certificate? Every day bombs and bombs and more bombs!Yet young graduate travel to such states in the name of NYSC! After now 5millions will be given to families of the victims,

mamasani:

All so myopic and jittery. If posted, just go. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. What about the southerners studying in the University of Maiduguri? Are they killed? Boko Haram has issues with the govt and are attaking govt security agencies. Since the deployment of soldiers to the state, nothing has been heard of the of the boko haram. It took the attack on the police h/q in Abuja to wake the security agencies up to their responsibilities. They should be cautioned of extrajudicial killings, though.

I am sure you have heard that University of Maiduguri has been closed indefinitely and the NYSC orientation camp has been bombed by Boko harem.

I cant do that any child.I have seen first hand the horrible pain sickler's suffer during crisis,drugs only help make it a kind of manageable pain,

Jon.Bee:

There's been a rabid animosity & open aggression against Islam by some Nigerian Christians; even so, on this forum.
This is hostility is further aggravated by the irresponsible utterance of the clergies e.g . Cardinal

for Christsake, we have christian institutions e.g universities all over the state in a so called secular state. Is that okay. Pure hypocrisy, I submit.
Tell all those involve in this reckless venture to allow Muslims pursue their legitimate yearning for peaceful commercial venture.

Lest your reckless 'crusadic' utterances leads us all to a Nigerian apocalypses, if the country must be segregated, at least let pursue a peaceful end.

Christians! Stop fanning the flame of hatred.

Growing up,i didn't realize there was such a huge difference between Christians and Muslims,we had Muslim friends we ate and had sleep overs.We respected each other.Today i hear both christian and Muslim mothers warning off their children from being friends.What changed?The religious crisis that has become rampant over the years,painfully many Christians are the victims of such attacks.Now for me i think if we have been living peacefully and respecting each others beliefs and religion,many people will not say much about Islamic banking. Most of this utterances apart from a few come basically because religious crisis and killings in recent times have made many Christians defensive and protective of anything that has Islamic connotations being brought into the system.Can we just stop killing each other for whatever reasons?

mamasani:

All so myopic and jittery. If posted, just go. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. What about the southerners studying in the University of Maiduguri? Are they killed? Boko Haram has issues with the govt and are attaking govt security agencies. Since the deployment of soldiers to the state, nothing has been heard of the of the boko haram. It took the attack on the police h/q in Abuja to wake the security agencies up to their responsibilities. They should be cautioned of extrajudicial killings, though.

Seriously?Well i for one haven't forgotten what happened during the just concluded elections,some corpers lost their lives in a Police station!Then the insensitively of the government and NYSC.I remember clearly the shocking report of the Bauchi State governor saying it's their destiny!
Like superior said ONLY THE LIVING WILL COLLECT NYSC CERTIFICATE, Is your life equivalent to 5 million naira?
The fact that young people are sent to these states just some few months after the loss of lives of corpers shows GROSS INSENSITIVITY on the part of government and NYSC as a whole.That other young people are actually considering going to these states?i simply cannot comprehend!

@ OP
Just want to share this with you.At about that age i had a friend that wanted to get married,i thought it was rather  early but she insisted.The family reached a compromise and allowed her to get married ahead of her two elder sisters with the guy assuring the family that her education will be taken care of.I saw her some years back,she was very heavy with two adorable children and staying at her sisters.There had been some misunderstanding she told me and no education yet,hubby wanted her to have children first.This from a well educated man with a high flying job!There are no Yes or No answers in issues like this.It might turn out alright or it might not.I just think if he loves her so much he should wait until she is in 200Level at the very least.

jennykadry:

You gave him the money back? infact you are too soft. Someone sent me money and expects me to give him back b'cos we quarelled? not a chance in hell.

ROTLMAO
@OP
Forget about what people will think or say and concentrate on YOU.
Afterall bad marriages make for juicy gossips in family parties as well.
Which do you prefer happy single or abused depressed married?

@OP
What you want is what you get,
There are many nice girls but ofcourse they are dry,boring and not fun as most guys seem to think,
These girls you are rolling with are materialistic whether working class or not and its all about the highest bidder to them!A place like Abj what do you expect, expensive towns with men happy to throw money at girls.You should sit down with girls,you hear jist of girls getting rides from guys and getting transport fare of 30k with a complimentary card attached!!!!  PLAIN RIDICULOUS!!!

Please keep the pregnancy.Its a blessing.You should take a look at the TTC thread,many times i have almost wept reading that thread.

Rossikk:

The riots are over. The unrest is over. The almajiris have gone home. Buhari has condemned their actions and called for them to stop. Troops have regained control of the streets. May the souls of those who lost their lives see eternal joy.

Now, it's time for GEJ to get on with the task of governance.

Thanks Nigerians.

Pls kindly post a link here.Thanks.

See the speed with which that woman's hand was moving!!
She must have done this before,hopefully with the way this video is going around they will be punished.

Young ladies should learn from this story.Many young ladies in Nigeria get married simply because they don't want to be seen as single at whatever age (28,29, )the Nigerian society fixes for young women to be married.
@OP
I believe some of the issues you raised are pretty serious
-the almost beating the child to a coma(pls kindly throw more light)
-not mentioning his daughter
but all in all the most crucial is that you don't love this man,
Marriage is hard work already without having to work with some one you are obviously not into.

At least he attended the scripted D'banj debate;speaking for the Nigerian youth!NN 24 probably doesn't do scripting?

I like this thread.@OP good one.

chaircover:

@ Oluite You are right. The topics these past few weeks have been pretty depressing. I wish I had a magic wand to magic away all the hurt etc people are going through. Its very sad.

ifyalways:

Yes,marriage is still sweet.
The thing is this,First people ignore certain things during courtship,things that deep down they know it irks them and they can't tolerate it but because they don't want to loose their partner at that time,they wave it away,make excuses like . . .Oh its just this once and foolishly assume their partner would change after marriage.
Second,People marry for the wrong reasons,do not look and check very well before they jump into the marriage wagon.
Please before you marry especially for females . . .what and who are you?what have you done and achieved for yourself as an individual?If you are a failure when single how on earth would u make your marriage work Assuming the man or woman starts misbehaving can u afford to give him space,stand alone without feeling
hopeless,wasted and dejected?
My dear Good marriage simply means 2 adults that have decided to partner . . .and play LUDO _{gospel according to Blazay} lol .The load should not fall on one person to carry . . .It just wont work and even If one partner decides to carry all the marriage load,he/she wud break down and possibly die on top it.You tolerate me,I tolerate you,when i fall u lift me up,when i sulk or misbehave,u give me space to play out my stu.dipity then come back to show me that Im still your partner . . you still want us to work together etc.
There are still good marriages out there.

Thanks CC its been pretty depressing to say the least,
Ify i agree but many women don't seem to understand they believe you will scare men if you achieve too much , and Thanks for the reminder that marriage can be sweet.

Dont nice things happen in marriages anymore?Most topics on this thread seem to be about one sort of abuse or the other either from the husband or wife??!!