Maturity is the key here,frankly i don't think a 23 year old is mature enough for marriage especially with a 30year old woman.

RedReact:

Why did you say that?
Some many years ago (in the Bible), Elijah thought he was the only one serving the Livng God but the Almighty told him that He still had about 6000 ppl who had not prostituted themselves to Baal.
Nowadays, some ppl will pretend to be godly but all God's children will have to be careful and dependent on God's Spirit for He is the One that guides into all truth and also remember, 'by their fruits, you shall know them.'

Why? Experience
You have said it all despite the pretense and hypocrisy 'by their fruits, you shall truly know them'.

I have been a silent member for ages in fact i got some ideas from here that helped me.I dropped from about 88kg to 79kg,am 5ft 8.Only recently my sister calculated my BMI and says am still overweight max for me should be 25 and it was 26.1 or thereabout.I want to further drop to about 75kg.I need some advice on exercises that wouldn't take so much time,am really busy for now.I don't do my long distance work anymore. I read somewhere about how good skipping is,more ideas pls will be welcome.Thanks.

I had tears in my eyes after reading this...I can only imagine the pain you must be going through now.Why do things like this happen?

I was very surprised after going through this thread to find that there are some young unmarried christian men who believe,understand and genuinely want to practice godly courtship!!I had almost concluded that christian men don't understand the bible's stand on godly courtship from my own experience.

cotton101: debrief - I think i am coming round to your way of thinking now and understand your anger. To be honest as you know its hard and like I said what saved me was being able to travel out and continue with my life in another country far from him, I don't know if I would have stayed if I didn't have options - my friends told me to leave but at the time I was pregnant and did the whole "i'm staying for my child" the child he actually tried to beat out of me.

my dear as a woman u get blamed for everything - your blamed for the beating and then when you leave your also blamed for allowing a man to beat you more than once.

where are all the men on nairaland who say its ok to beat a woman - they have all decided to hide.

They will come when the next victim of battering comes along to advise.
@debrief Not many have seen this side of you but i get where you are coming from.

OMG so its true?!
I saw a thread on tribute to perx,
I couldn't understand what tribute??
I had to come here ,
What touched me about perx is her spirit
I have never come across such a fighter
Why?
I always marvelled at her Strength.
Despite all the pains
I don't know what to say?

XX01:

Thank you for the good, the bad and the ugly replies.
If there is anyway I have made it seem like I disrespect my MIL, it is not so. I have the utmost respect and regards for her. She is a lovely woman and her kids do not joke with her at all. My own mum is late so she is the only mum I have.
I have actually been married for 4 years. [b]The first year, I went for my masters which my husband paid for in its entirety even to his detriment though my undergrad was on scholarship.

We had several miscarriages that was why when that one took hold, we were very careful and I had to resign when it was getting too muc[/b]h.

I have listened to your suggestions. Thank you. We will discuss further and reach an agreement.

Dont you think the major reason your husband doesnt want you to work is because he is concerned about your health?

ronkebp:

^^^^^ my dear, they call it ''parole''. ( the in-thing'' to marry a younger man and date sugar daddys' for ''maintainance''). Can you imgaine.

I so agree that the failure of so many marraiges are due to the type of training or lack of it received from their parents.

Chei so that what is called!
You wont believe the number of young women that "parole"
It is so in,
It is simply sad.

^^
Debrief they will continue their way of life even in marriage!
My ears were full recently when i learnt its the in-thing to marry one young guy and continue runs with older richer man!!
I wonder where the sanctity of marriage has been thrown to?
In school then i remember some girls telling me the "occasional slap" is correction and should be accepted with love!!
It became a problem only if it was regular or too much!!!
I have been called a fool several times for refusing to be sharp even by respectable men and women,
So values don loss o!!
If married educated women don't see any wrong in wife battering what will they teach their sons and daughters?
If mother dont see any wrong in collecting gifts like cars from men what will they teach their children? so the cycle of lost values just keeps going on and on!

debrief08:

A friend of mine recently said if as a man or woman you cannot confidently pray that God should give your son or daughter a man or woman like yourself then you need to start self examination and make positive changes.
To most Nigerian Men being married means having someone to bear your name, produce kids and complete your achievements as a man. To most women in Nigeria being marriage means to get the ring, the house and the title while putting up with cheating and abuse.
I want to state categorically that " all men do not cheat". My Father never did, my Father in law never cheated, my husband has not cheated and Men like Siena on nairaland keep my faaith in Nigerian men up.
Most women go into marriage with spouses who have been cheating on them and so in a way expect the behavior to continue, some girls grew up watching their fathers cheat and abuse their mothers and so have been conditioned to see that as normal behavior but it is not. Churches to my disappointment have failed a whole lot, it emphaisises the role of submission of women but neglects the role of men to Love. The role of men in marriage as prescribed by the Bible os greater than the role of the woman but it is mostly ignored.
The Bible they are quick to quote when there is a marital squabble clearly states: Husband LOVE YOUR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND LAYED DOWN HIS LIFE FOR HER"
Love is patient love is kind: As a husband you will be patient and kind to your wife. Dont go loosing your temper at every slight offence
Love is not boastful or rude: Love your wife without arrogance, it is silly to count the things you did for her, it is wrong to feel because of what you have acheived you can be rude and arrogant to the flesh of your fless and bone of your bones
Love bears all things and endures all things: In fact it is the man who has been intsructed to bear and endure but here reverse is the case if the woman does wrong the man is advised to kick her out if the man does wrong she is advised to be patient.
Women Submit to your husbands: When a man loves you as much as is prescribed in the Bible its easy to become rude arrogant and take him for granted hence the instruction to submit. Respect means you appreciate his love and know that most actyions he takes he takes in love. 
A humble wife and a loving husband make a home and a marriage. It is a 2 way thing, our parents failed to teach us this fundamentals and sadly a lot of us live in horror in the name of marriage, please let us not let our children fall into this mess. Teach our boys how to love, hardworking and be selfless, teach our daughters how to have self esteem, be hardworking and appreciate Love.

I believe if parents especially mothers teach children both male and female children properly there will be less problems in today's marriages,
When you see a man who is so immature,childish,selfish and irresponsible Or
a rude,mannerless young woman one has to wonder how parents watched such behaviour progress into adulthood.
So a woman who knows how she will loved to be treated as a wife one will wonder why such values are not instilled in her son?
She also knows what makes her husband happy but doesn't teach her daughter?
Same goes for men,
What is considered normal among young adult male or female today makes me shudder and wonder where they get such values from?
The home of course, Even here on nairaland. Some people consider it normal to instigate unnecessary issues on a daily basis in relationships:it does something for them when thier partners have to apologise,others see nothing wrong in giving the "occasional slap" when deserved,some women dont see any wrong in sleeping around, No values anywhere again because it went missing at home!

ROTLMAO,What a day!!
Chei.

^
chei,
ROTLMAO

9lifes:

There so many conflicting versions to the whole thing or right now i just cant take any explanation.
We knew each other for a year plus before i travel for a two years course.And since most of her friends are guys,this is one part of her life i never went into,now i think i made a mistake or something like that.In the first few months outside Nigeria she complained about a close male friend crossing his allowable space,i told her to deal with it.But few months after, i discovered the friendship was still on,this led to our first major misunderstanding.After that phase i heard nothing of her male friends until the affair issue came up.it lasted for more than 5 months,but according to her it was shorter than that,but the guy kept replaying the whole thing over an over,i saw several mails.Now i remember the words of my friends, "oboy catch fun ooh,woman go do u something one day, "may be they are right.

Before this,we always had problems with boundary issues.She is very close to her male friends,but i have never had problems with this,but i warn her about certain lines i am uncomfortable with.There was no improvement,so i ignore that part and moved on, i really don't have energy to keep tabs on anyone, but right now,i am not sure if that was the right approach.Actually i expected nothing less,cos i was completely and totally committed to her,and i have to reassure her of my love like every fing day.Any text msg or mail without ending it with i love u, go turn to wahala, i mean i gave my best.

Her relationship with the guy ended few months after i was due to return but failed to make it.Then she accused me of cheating and all that,and asked for the password to my mail.I was like mails are suppose to be private things,she refuse to listen and insisted that my refusing was the proof she was looking for.I gave it to her, gave her one week to do her investigations and then change the passowrd.The problem started when i had to ask her too for the password to her mail.[b]Then she said with a low voice tune, " make your heart no break for the things u see inside, there are mails that will shock you", and yes she was right, i found hell.[/b]That was the first time ever to access someones mail box.

The guy was practically in my spot.The words they exchanged were not different from ours, the way they talked about their whole experience and shits.And this guy was also engaged to another person.And things that are  not suppose to be shared,she did with this guy, and i was like,where is my special place?For now i am dealing with all these myself,cos i practically boasted about her among my friends.My friends go go kill me and her if they find out.My mom is madly in love with this girl,she does things she has never done  to us, send food even to her office,cook special meals for her, god,what else do women want,what is too good to be true,LOVE?

There are so many conflicting and connecting dots, still watching shall,God dey,nothing do them.

forgive my errors.

She broke up with the guy only because she thought you were coming back.
She wanted you to cheat so that you can be on the same page or maybe guilty conscience.
She[b] graciously[/b] allows you to see all evidence of her cheating.
And people here says she is remorseful.

9lifes:

Most of the guys here are on the same page.Men i fear the devil in me ooh, I am not sure i want to take that path.
I hope no be me  u dey call mugu? because if na me,u are describing the wrong person.We are both independent people[b].She hardly ask for anything and that's one aspect of her life i love.[/b]I don't spend any how cos i got a lot on my table,so its either you deal with it or u bounce.This is my first serious relationship,and i had a lot of expectations.well poo happens, Right now,i am channeling all my energy into my postgrad, no time,when my head is cool i'll face the matter squarely.

From what i have seen in most relationship around,the cheating,games,double dating e.t.c .,they are just chain reactions of what  lack of trust can do, or something like that.People just want food wey don done,no body wants to build,and when someone is trying to be good,people just take them for granted.

We are all angels until we are caught, na the pattern.

Really?So you think she doesnt ask someone else.Morever there are many independent women.
so what are you saying?Its alright to cheat?

@ OP
It is solely your decision but i think you need to walk away.

Did you refer to your wife as a mad woman?

taryour:

@oluite
ofcoure there is no gudenuf excuse fo cheatin but since the dead has been done and she is remorseful then she should be given a chance. You do not cut of the hand because it has been infected do you?
If she wasnt remoseful is a diffrent case entirely.

It is not yet a hand,it is another body on its own o!
I dont understand cheating
It is just wrong
and they are not even married self.
Why do you feel she is remorseful because she involved an elder?
Maybe she knew it will come out so she decided to confess first?
Who knows?anyway that is another story,
Dont cheat then there will be no need to be remorseful,
Why throw away something precious for what??

taryour:

@Ileke IdI
she wasnt caught,9lifes said in his post that she has gone to confess to an elder even before he knew about it.which means she regrets her actions and is remorseful thats why she dint wait for her man to find out himself but went ahead and made confession.

so why did she cheat in the first place?
@OP
I think you already have your answer in your heart,you seem to know what to do only its so hard,
am with CC and Mr Brownjay

But arent you a man?

Girl you remind me of my dead sister. was left very shocked.
Almost every girl has overheard you look familiar.

This is beautiful,Dont know how i missed this thread.
There is hope afterall
God bless all the wonderful people here
This is just great.

chaircover:

Here we go again. . . .  . my money, my car, my house, my rolex, my Gucci 

Some of you will end up lonley old men sleeping with your wads of money & your pet cat on your bed with no one to even ask you if your feet are warm enough. Dem plenti for ASDA with their small shopping baskets containing one onion, one bottle of wine, one loaf of bread, one carrot and one tin of baked beans 

I know of men who have le le too o! or you think that mens market too doesnt go stale? what kind of correct all round babe will a 50 year old man pull? A bimbo who is clearly only toleratng you for your money or a woman your age who has tons and tons of baggage. Na excess luggage charge go kill una 

Better make hay while the sun shines. I don talk my own

This is the problem i have with some ladies!!
With all the handwriting on the wall ?
The friend said he is
He acted as a "responsible husband" during said "wife" father burial
You dont need to see marriage certificate.
Please take a walk.

Pls can i get account details?Thanks.

coogar:

this is what i hate about nigerians. . . . .talk talk talk and no action to back their epistles.

if we have decided in our minds to help someone, let's help!
whether she is using the money for something else entirely should not matter or stop us from helping.
is it the little contribution that we make that is going to make us destitute or what has her intention with the money gotta do with this?

tpia, with her trouble-making ability caused this chaos.
of what importance is it to her if the poster was speaking the truth or lying? she would never make any contribution even if chioma is speaking the truth.
she's just here to cause commotion and prevent the people who mean well from contributing.

abeg jaybee, send me the details of the chioma babe.
if she likes, let her use my contribution to buy indian hair.
it is between her and God. . . .i would have lost nothing.

This I havent seen in a while o!
Me self i wear microscope on my eye
Naija i don learn
I have to relearn this attitude you have.

I feel really silly i thought i had problems and even praised myself for handling them well.
After going through this thread i have tears in my eyes,
Perx your experience touched me deeply
I don't have words to qualify your fighting spirit.
Its amazing how people here on nairaland have shown you love.
God bless you all including OP.
Am so happy we can be humane on nairaland.
O God of mercy show mercy to your children here going through painful times in their lives.Amen

God bless you wonderful ladies Ifyalways,CC,Mutter,Jenny and everyone that has offer to help. God bless you all,
Chioma hugs for being strong,you can and will be stronger.God bless you.

Most churches especially pentecostal churches have realised the importance of registry/court marriage and make it compulsory for intending couples now.
Infact after traditional marriage,you present the court certificate before the church wedding.

baby.me:

Ok, i know this is a bit old. I made her go to school from home so i could watch her. Bought all the books and other school stuffs, but she misplaced all her notes. Had to buy a whole set again(cry).

Already her teachers told me she is one of the smartest kids in her class but she doesn't writes her notes. She tops the chart when it comes to noise makers n trouble makers. I've done everything in the book to make her a little more responsible but it seems i'm failing.

The only time she behaved was before school resumed. I enrolled her in a dance class n i was surprise to see her at her best bc she wanted me to always take her there for the practice. And she can dance!

But i promised myself i will never give up. She is my responsibility and i know somewhere along d line she will realise i love her and wants her to grow into a responsible woman.

Thanks for additional ideas and advice.

This means she knows exactly how to behave properly.Since she loves dancing and singing so much maybe you include it in her daily or weekly activities not only on holidays.About her consistently misplacing her books,crying will not help.Do you give her pocket money or money for lunch break?If you do,she needs to understand that you will be taking the money for misplaced notes from it.For instance if she gets N200 for lunch daily,you could reduce it to N70 for a period say 2 weeks or she doesnt go for dance classes for 2 weekends or some sort of consequence for bad behaviour.You could also try checking her notes daily yourself and having a talk on what was taught daily.I think you should sit down and have a talk with her on why she chooses to behave badly at some point and properly at some other point.I want to encourage you to be patient,consistent,determined and loving with her.

^^

Its this Xmas o!lol,

pslm23:

Wow!! To say I am overwhelmed by the support and encouragement I've received here since posting my journey would be an understatement. I'm crying because it feels like I have my family all around me supporting me. What a great feeling.
Ok, here's an update. I got for my BETA next Tuesday but i couldn't resist POAS'ing (peeing on a stick) this morning out of curiosity and it was positive I've promised myself I won't do it anymore and just wait until the BETA test to conclusively confirm it. But what a great feeling I had when i saw the positive sign on the digital test.

You guys are the best support group a girl could ask for.

Yipppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeee,it is so.
I am praying for you and am sure many others are.
I was so touched by the depth of your Strength.
You opened your heart to share your inspiring story.
God has done it already,We all celebrate with you.
Please take very good care of yourself during this Journey.
God has taken charge already,enjoy the ride.