₦airaland Forum

Turn to God and He will show you the way.

I think you are already a sensible young lady therefore i trust you are going to make the sensible decision.

From your story, you both want this baby, you will be going back with him to Nigeria. My question: did you not trust each other enough to wait a little bit longer before having a baby?

To answer ur question, look at the situation this way: either you get married before the wedding or after the wedding. Let's take your parents out of the picture.

The way it has just happened now, your unborn child is now in between you and your dream wedding, and this is the way it would continue to be. Having children changes everything in your life! How do you know things will still be the same after having the child, by things I mean everything! Since u and your boyfriend did not even trust each other to wait before having the child, how much more when you have the additional responsibility of a new born baby? I am not trying to be insultive but ur story just says "we are all humans and anything can happen". It always pays to do things the proper way, the right way. That is why you can get some consolation when things go wrong, after all, you did the right thing.
That's all I can say, good luck!

Jarus:
I don't know the MNC the OP is talking about but in an O&G MNC, permanent staff earn no less than 600k per month for entry level, some up to 1m net. So maybe he's talking about an MNC in an FMCG industry.

For real!!?  I need to get into O&G MNC asap! Do you have any connections?

@OP, I agree, we are simply going downhill!!! We the masses unfortunatley have to pay for it. I pray seriously for Nigerians who are yet to loose their lives.

Cuddlemii:
@op

Don't take out whatever is going on with you on Men.

Men are not useless.

I think the one with issues is you.

Why would you settle for less & come here to expose it.

All these your issues should have been ironed out before marriage & not on Nland. Na we send you message, marriage is not a do or die affair or a ticket to heaven. So its better to go for who will give you peace & happiness.

Women go for perfection & deception, they later go through hell & start nagging.

What is wrong with being realistic & going for a realist. But women want a non-smoker, non-drinker, non-womanizer, non-liar, non-cheater, non-everything when they are not perfect themselves. Only God is perfect and Only God is love.

Carry your own cross & don't pollute other women's mindset. That is wicked & selfish of you cos I am sure you won't leave your home & would rather burn in it so why put sand in other peoples garri.

If you had known all your hubby's shortcomings & bad habits before the marriage, you would have known if you could tolerate it or not so that you would have taken a walk. Anyways U didn't ask for advice so that is your business.

I always sound this warning: if it means staying in a 1 room apartment as long as you marry your friend that is open, gives you simplicity, joy, laughter, trust, peace, support,understanding & compromise, then so be it. Of what use is luxury accompanied with a bruised eye. Of what use is a sugar coated tongue that later becomes a sweet tooth.

Nice one Cuddleme.

@OP

I think that your friend should tell her husband. When the truth comes out years later it would create even more shame and betrayal and pain both to the child and to her husband. Such things have a way of eating you up on the inside. You will never a rest of mind and will always be afraid that the truth may come out. This can also lead her to do things she would not want to do to cover up the truth. For instance, what happens if the child does not look at all like the both of them

I will not advocate her to abort the child. It is a human being living inside her and has every right to live. (If she does not want the child later she can give it up for adoption.)

This simple "experiment" has just proved that her husband has a problem. Did she know this? She needs to find out from her husband whether he knew that he has a problem. She can always use this angle to present her case. She can present this tactfully anyway she likes.

The deed has been done, she should be prepared to face the consequences. She should not make it worse by telling more lies.  

Note, I totally condemn her actions. As a married person, you have no business sleeping with somebody else. If you are having problems in your marriage, fix it by getting close to God for help. Afterall you took a vow in church in God's presence to consolidate the marriage/relationship. When things go wrong you should go back to him, even when you are the cause of the problem. It is not too late to go to God with this. If she is a Christian, she should go and speak to the priest in her church.

Keep us updated.

Outstrip:
     Gone are the days when men where men. Apologies to the few real men out there. I mean someone is here telling the woman to go and search for a job for the man that sits at home all day. If he spends the 8 hours a day that the woman spends working looking for a job we will not even be having this conversation. In fact if she came here and says that the man has been working at mcdonalds for the past three years and she feels it is beneath her we would have told her to go eat poo poo. I wonder what the bare minimum of head of household is these days if this is the advice someone gives to a working mother and wife.

To make my point clearer @outstrip, yes, I said she should apply for jobs for him. Why, because it shows support, encouragement, love. That simple move could be the little push he might need to get up and do something for himself. I do commend her anyway for forwarding the job ads she found. But you might have to go the extra mile. Marriage is hardwork, if you think you won't work hard as a man or woman, then you are not yet ready for it. The saying "love conquers all" no be for mouth, you have to practise it. Your husband/wife is your flesh. Treat him/her so.

@last page, congratulations! May God bless you for your insightful and inspiring posts.

My dear, there is still hope in your marriage and I completely agree with chaircover. He needs a wake up slap. In the long run divorce is not the solution to your problems. Try and reconsider. You need to give him some space to rough it out for a while till he comes to his right senses. Think about how you are going to cope with your child when you no longer have his support and being that you don't have any family or friends in the UK, it will be more difficult for you. Give it more time and patience; don't let the hurtful words that have been said tear you down. You need to let all the bitterness go. You know men and their egos. No marriage is easy! It is a life long commitment; you need to look at it that way. People that are in marriages for 30 years did not have it easy everyday. At some point I am sure they wanted to bolt out. But you have to work at it, you need to have hope, you also need to surrender your 'sufferings' to God, let Him give you more strength to continue and to endure. He has put you in this situation for a reason. It is all a test! I bet you, your reward is not far away. Patience, Love and Forgiveness is the key!

If you are considering coming back to Nigeria make sure you have secured a job before coming back because there is a high rate of unemployment. There have also been recent layoffs here and there so, think again.

The role as a wife/woman is undoubtedly a huge one. As the woman you are supposed to protect your family at all costs. Yes, any outsider should not know that you husband is not working. It is the third party's opinion that will make you start thinking otherwise. Anything that will bring negativity to your family should not be discussed with anyone. Read Proverbs 31: 10-31 and see how blessed you are that you almost there as the bible says.

I will suggest you make out time and forward those job applications for him if he does not want to do it. I know a couple, the wife forwarded applications for the husband (in UK) until he eventually got an interview from one of her applications. With this, he picked himself up and excelled at subsequent interviews and he is in a very good job now.

I urge you to keep working hard and remember that no condition is permanent. Get closer to God, He will lift your burdens and make it light.

Before we can change in this country, every single individual needs to change. Prayer is as well very important because it gives us hope. But we still need to change ourselves in our own little way in our everyday lives - by changing our ways to be better, refuse to be greedy, refuse to hate the other person, refuse to do anything that would cause the other person harm and hardship directly or indirectly, love each, forgive each other, that's a start. Maintaining this culture is another hardwork on it's own. Oyibo people are able to do these and move forward because they have laws that guide them. Nigeria does not enforce it's laws the way it should. Since we don't have that structure are we going to fold our hands and wait forever for who to effect a change? That is why we have to do it ourselves, each of us needs to step-up and say enough is enough.

When are the men going to stop this delirious notion that the wife causes the husband to cheat? The more anyone says it the more s.t.u.p.i.d I think it is. Instead of changing their selfish ways/ lifestyle they blame it all on the wife, s.i.l.l.y! You both took a vow and the man will be the first to jump out, and then turn the whole thing around - eh "she caused it". Better wake up guys.

I wonder who God will judge at the end of the day.

Interesting post indeed! What happened to prittigrrr?

@OP, life is surely not a bed of roses. I pray that God will continue to shower you with His blessings and fill the void in your family with His grace. It is well. Never give up hope.

.

Thank you all for your comments.

The Londoners and Americanas, we are not in the UK or USA. I have driven in both countries and I understand the gravity. Driving in Lagos is different. Abroad, you will be duly notified with rail track signs first then markings on the road. If and when a train is approaching the traffic lights at the rail crossing will turn red with the sounding alarms to tell a driver that a train is approaching and then the barriers would come down. There is no traffic light before the barriers and the barriers at that location did not even come down when the train passed! The conditions in Lagos are just different so you just can't compare.

I agree what I did would be considered an offence but after I finished with them at the police station, I passed through the railway tracks again and there was a car on the rail track, but no police! What do you say about that How has terrorizing and arresting 10 people earlier helped to warn others of the danger,

Yes, these photos are the actual police station we were taken to. It is called Railway Police Station, Mushin. You can only imagine.

I did not give them KOBO! There was no fine for the offence, (maybe there is but we did not pay it) they only wanted to take money from us. I refused to give them any money.

@Sacarstic, wonderful suggestion, I do not mind contributing some money in putting up a sign at that location. I don't belong to rotary anyway.

Thank God, at least the story is being told by another person and this happened today, 19th August! Please o tell your family members and everyone you know before they kill someone unnecessarily.
http://pmnewsnigeria.com/2011/08/19/lecturer-escapes-police-gun-shots/

Hello moderator,
Can you post this story on the main page so people can be informed about it?
If in anyway it does not meet the standard let me know so I can edit it correctly. Thanks.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-738583.0.html

Your mother always gives me the eye.

And another:

Here is one:

My people o, as a note of warning, DO NOT STOP ON THE RAILWAY LINE at Jibowu. I had a horrible experience with the police today at that location.
I was going towards Jibowu from Western avenue, saw these policemen standing in that area, I did not think anything of it. I looked left and right to make sure there was no train coming and I saw people walking along the rail tracks with some even selling things, and I thought ok, this track is surely not functional. The car in front of me moved forward and I followed only for the car to stop suddenly because of the traffic light ahead. Didn't give me enough gap to get the back of the car away from the tracks. Within seconds, my car was surrounded by ARMED policemen. ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW! I did. YOU STOPPED ON THE RAIL TRACK. I tried to move forward to get away from the track, they refused. And that was where the wahala started. I was honesty shaken because they were all armed and were threatening me.
After much argument, and after catching a hand full of others like me, we were taken to the Railway Police Station in Mushin. They were 10 of us. After keeping us waiting for 3 hours, they said we should come back the next day at some court somewhere to hear our sentence/fine we are going to pay. Of course it was a load of c.r.a.p!
It was just too obvious what they wanted. If you see the state of this so called police station, I'll upload the photos.

Bottomline, this rail track is functional even though it does not look that way and according to the DPO, there have been 4 incidences of death at those tracks. So for your own safety and to avoid police embarrassment, beware.

When are we ever going to learn to be our brother's keeper in Nigeria? Should the police not be there to protect and say " get off the tracks"? And then arrest you if you refuse? Or put up a sign there? The whole ordeal was completely unnecessary. Are we ever going to change

Your comments on this please.

We just need one more goal!

God is everywhere! His Glory fills the earth!!!
You cannot see it because in our nature as men, we are evil.

Who created nature? Well yes, nature works and nutures itself. Who created it that way? Who's brain is behind it? Who engineered it? You must surely know that God in His Greatness and might and profound intelligence created everything the way it is and the way you know and see them. You know why? Because He is GOOD! Everything He created is GOOD!

You cannot and can never see God with your naked eyes and your atheist eyes.
You can only feel His presence, and see Him when you are in the spirit with Him. For His ways are not our ways. So do not expect to see it in the eyes of the world. You can only understand Him when you are truly in His grace.

The Bible is a complete book and holds everything you need to know and how see God both on earth and otherwise.
You have to pray to be like Him, to walk with Him, to be with Him else you would still be engolfed in the irrelevances of this earth.

Even if you do not believe but want to, pray to him to open your eyes to know Him.

What is your question whether ur girlfriend is ugly or whether you are ugly?

It is only fair to say that if the husband does not help around in the house then the wife should not bother working. I mean, the original role of a man is to provide for his family and for the woman to take care of the home. If the woman is not getting any help from the man after going to work - (the same work that the man went to), why bother. Simply logical. It's unfair if the woman has to take care of the home and at the same time the kids and the husband, ahhh, isnt that too much for one person?

Well said @walcolm

ZE:
a guy i know closely  met a woman. during their courtship the woman insisted no sex b4 marriage

she was going to church every morning and evening, pretending holy holy holy.

the guy took her by her word  and decided to respect her principles. they went ahead with their marriage plans

after the multi million wedding the guy started noticing funny things in the house.

to cut a long story short:  upon close observation and detailed medical examination it was discovered that the woman had lost her fallopian tubes  when she was playing ojoro in the university.

personally i fell marriage before pregnancy is the best(traditionally, morally etc)
at the same time i believe the principal reason GOD constituted marriage is for PROCREATION. except we fail to tell ourselves the truth and refuse to acknowledge the truth when others tell us.

with what is happening in nigeria today, it is very difficult to trust any woman who is not a confirmed virgin.
QED

This is classical example of where I think divorce should come in according to what Jesus said in the Bible. He said one should divorce if the partner commits fornication!!! (note: not adultery). It is quite glaring in this case that the fornication has bought great implications which the husband did not know about before the marriage.

I think pregnancy before marriage is wrong. It's true that it's very common now but that does not make it right. If we tell ourselves the truth, we'll know that there's a reason for that. The men will rather not get married until they are sure the woman can conceive. They often forget that
 - no two pregnancies are the same (are u sure the woman can conceive again?, what if the current pregnancy does not stay)
 - Infertility can as well come from the man (all the waka waka bring STDs and with STDs comes complications which u               will not even know has happened) someone should check the current statistics of male infertility in Nigeria.

It is unfortunate that men place this condition on women. Most of them in their past I'm sure have gotten their girlfriend(s) pregnant, went through an abortion with her, and then dumped her. They will later start the search again for women that are fertile. God is watching you!

Our girls should wise up and not let them take you for a ride that would jeopardize your future.

As a couple, if you really love each other, you can both (man and woman) agree on going for fertility tests, before or after marriage, if it's an issue.

UPDATE: such guys will definitely not say to the lady "you have to take in before we wed". What he says and does will show he waiting for something to happen before going ahead with the marital arrangements.

Well done!

Not a very nice thing to say about your friend. If she indeed is not good looking (on the face) there are other ways you can help and encourage her if she is really your friend.

yeye4live:
u cant tell me ure a guy,i doupt dat 4rm any angle,ure just one sick girl turing your boyfriend into an ATM machin, n GOD will catch u one day,your cup will b filed up

Una no go kill me oo   rotfl!!!

@ OP

I think you are mixing two things up here.
Individuality and aspirations.
A woman building a house behind her husband has nothing to with her individuality. Is it really the best to do things behind your spouse's back? If you are her husband and find out, what would you think/do? Do unto others what you want them to do to you.

Remember for a marriage to work, the two people must come to a compromise on certain issues.
Not compromising is what actually breaks a marriage.

I agree with tpia: "sometimes individuality is not the priority."

You really sound like super-woman! Worked with no support from your husband and had 3 kids, so reeeaaallll.

Nice one Mrs John Blaze. A real life example @poster.

God bless you for being a loving and caring husband. I bet you, there are only a few like you.
But your wife unfortunately does not appreciate you and is taking you for a ride.
I think the farting thing is totally disrespectful, even if you two usually laugh over it.
She needs to learn the joy and pains of being a wife and a mother, you have only made the job easy for her.

I do not mean to put women down or be demeaning but there is a reason God choose the woman as a helper. Once you change that position in your family then you are asking for trouble. Your roles in the family should be clearly defined. A man is the head and you really need to man up. Be gentle and firm.

I will suggest that she gets closer to God, let her get involved in a womens group or something, where she can learn the basics of being a wife and a mother and practice it. It will help her change. (I am assuming you are a Christian.) About the unemployment, she should cast all her concerns on God and not you. This union is about you, her and God, don't forget that.