₦airaland Forum

So husband and wife are living together in the same house and are not in speaking terms?

This sounds sadder than anything else!

What pride, ego and stupidity will cause ehn!

This isn't remotely an issue. I said the same to my mum when I was growing. My dad was hardly around and she was the one doing the primary raising, instilling discipline, creating boundaries.

It's a very normal reaction to the parent who isn't around and who hardly disciplines them. You the good guy, she's the bad guy.

They grow out of it though, they turn to teenagers and they realise no parent is perfect, that in fact, the primary care giver is the one they love more.

I think you should enjoy it while it lasts and try to have a good relationship with your daughter. If not, in the next dozen years, you'd be wondering what happened the child that loved you so much.

I was a student on break from the University of Ilorin that year. I boarded a cab at Post office to sawmill garage, I was going back home to Lagos. We got to Taiwo and the driver told me to get down with my baggage, they weren't going to Sawmill anymore. The cab was full, a man in front, one at the back and a woman beside me. I got down, muttered under my breath and finally found another cab to sawmill.

Got to Sawmill and I couldn't find my wallet. It contained all my money, about N6,000. I got down in front of the park and searched my things frantically, nothing. It was gone! To say I was devastated 8s saying it lightly. It's been years and I still remember that wallet.

I immediately picked my phone and called my dad in Lagos, crying like the little idiot I was. He said and I quote "Is that why you're crying? Don't disturb me! Call your mother!!" I remember that call like yesterday. I remember looking at all the faces surrounding me and feeling very, very alone.

I realised I was sitting on the floor then. Someone pulled me up and the cabman told me to forget the money and left. Another passenger offered to pay my fare to Lagos. I called my mom, she said to go back home that she'd send the money to me. So this same passenger gave me N500, I went back home, got the alert from my mom and then travelled the next day.

Somehow, while my dad paid most of my bills through school, what stands out for me was that day when my mom rescued me.

I don't know if it counts as a betrayal but it felt like one. Especially when he never asked about it when I got home.

IdiAminDada:
So I cheated, i deserve to die or what exactly do you mean. My wife deserves to call every female contact in my phone insulting them.

The one who i cheated with is saved "Office".

My wife ended up calling
Blessing, Esther, Ruth, Linda, and even my first cousin nicknamed "finegirl" insulting them of trying to snatch her husband!

OP, you're being ridiculous. Can you just take your time to see how wrong your actions are?

Never before have I seen a thread on nairaland where everyone is unanimously agreed on a stance.

You're not right! You are wrong!! Very wrong!! And everyone is telling you!!

Your wife might not be perfect but you're a burden to her.

If you aren't careful, you'd be one of those fathers whose children don't talk to him in old age because he spent their early years in bars and having political arguments that had no bearing on his financial responsibilities.

Your family deserves more from you.

I'm a bit confused... Have you been cheating or not??
And if you have, why do you think she won't be frustrated? She's the breadwinner and you're spending your time with other girls.

Why don't you have a job after two years? These friends you are hanging with, can't they hook you up? If all they do is give you money, then I'm not surprised your wife doesn't like them.

Your wife sounds like a nag, she has Atenumo (at least that's what yoruba people call it, I think) Its very, very, very annoying and tiring. Her mind is also suspicious towards you. And you're wrong, she has feminine intuition. If you're spending time getting phone from young ladies and bonding with them emotionally, you're already cheating.

As a man, you should know better than to be married to a nag and leave her as the breadwinner. That's a license for disaster.


I think you both need to sit down and discuss your future very seriously. You need intervention.

cococandy:
The new man won’t even want the child. She missed the opportunity of giving her child a dad.

True. He most likely would have raised the child well. If for nothing else, to save face.

Sad all around.

sisisioge:
I feel you sis...he had his own major faults too. But why would she let him nurse her pregnancy, attach to the baby, tell the whole world he's a father, elope and then break it to him via a phone call, even though she knew all along he want the father? And did you read her response? She sounded as concerned about his suicide as the naija government is about our survival!

It is well sha...she could have left him a long time ago when he refused to get tested or as soon as she found out about her pregnancy to another!

You're right. May we not be unfortunate!! She truly should have left him. I suspect she also wasn't certain she didn't have a problem. Who knows if this is the first time she's tested herself outside.

People are just cruel!

sisisioge:
How very weak of him to take his life because of a nasty wicked woman! I'm sure that woman will meet her Waterloo soon.

I don't think she's nasty or wicked. Selfish, definitely. Wicked, doubtful.

12 years with a man and you can't get him to the hospital to check himself?

That man is the wicked one! That's how they lie against God and make a mockery of spirituality.

He couldn't go and get tested, wasn't sleeping with his wife but supported her through pregnancy?! Is he Joseph? Or she's Mary?? Nonsense!!

He was more concerned about what people thought of him, his 'Man of God' status and the answer to his prayers.

He knew he was sick, he knew God hadn't answered his prayers, he knew she cheated but he would have gone with it anyway.

His reason for the suicide wasn't because the child wasn't his, it was because everyone else now knew that God hadn't answered him.

Just dealt with mine today. I use Felvin. Within an hour or two I usually feel better m. If I don't use it, I experience pain, stooling and spitting on a ridiculous level and I can't deal.

7thLemonLOVER:
This is the 3rd year and my sister is being frustrated by the hubby's family.

A part of me feels sorry for her but on a second note, maybe it's God trying to judge her for marrying a man that should have been mine

She snatched your man?!

I hope you have forgiven her and moved on. You could also be holding her back. Just saying...

Kuns84:
Notice I said MIGHT.. with a doctors salary I can obviously afford to get a place of my own but it's my preference to stay with bro for a while as we settle into a new environ.

Honestly, i wish you'd take more responsibility for your self and your life. Naturally, your wife isn't willing to be a guest at the home of a woman who she doesn't get along with. That's completely natural. Women have the most difficult relationships anyway. Why not go alone, stay with your brother, find your feet and then move your family? Why must they make the transition when things are still difficult? Don't you feel it would make your life more uncomfortable to live with 2 women who don't get along? And then completely ruin whatever peace or growth they could both achieve later? Please be guided.

The whole story, you're only telling us of the wife's reactions. What have you people been doing so far? Did you make any threats before, during or after your brother's illness?

Why will you accuse her of locking her husband in the house while he was sick? What was the nature of the illness?

Why are your brother's friends so quick to be on her side? Are they so gullible? Or do they think your family doesn't deserve help?

Why didn't your brother call you while he was sick? What was your relationship?

Your story is way too one sided. Nothing is mentioned of what your family did wrong in all these. If you suspect she killed her husband, go to the

Please I urgently need a self contain apartment in or around Ogba (County, Omole, Bamako, ). Anyone with a place that is good and neat should respond.
Thanks.

I'm sorry, OP. But you make it sound like a do or die affair to have a traditional marriage or church wedding right now. You're surrounded by people who either won't help or who are blinded by doctrines and traditions.

My Sister, find yourself a smart progressive man, tell him what's up, have a small introduction with your mother's family (here, you can add some engagement extras), go to court, have a maternal uncle sign as your father and be done with it.

That's if you must even do it all in Nigeria.

Nonetheless, you save cost and avoid curses. Your dad hears details when he mistakenly sights you with a ring.

When i was younger, i went to attack a male neighbor for beating my sister. He ended up nearly blinding me! People came out to deliver me oh!

Congrats, Alex Report!

The way the event was described, I thought he'd have rented a hall for all the supposed dignitaries that came.
Alas, all I saw was white rice and stew...stew everywhere!

Erm, dont say I'm not minding my business oh but how come it's only your pictures that are all over your sitting room? Is your wife a visitor?

OP is a bible thumping, wife stumpering, never-accept responsibility chauvinist!

Look at the boatload of ridiculousness you're typing in the face of intelligent, valid responses.

And to think you read the bible too.

If anyone goes to hell, it's because they made that choice. Everything comes down to what you choose to be and do.

In the meantime, continue to terrorize your wife by telling her you will go outside. Eventually, that thing between your legs will lead you where you have chosen to go.

And we are all certain that the OP is married, right?

I could be wrong but I get the sense the OP is a lady who just wants a job and cooked up this story to whip sentiments.

All she really wants is a job, not all the "call family meeting" advice.

Just my thoughts oh. The story has k-leg, that's why.

I might be wrong.

I like Simi, I really do.

But this is crap! If she was trying to pass a message, she failed woefully. Unfinished communication.

What exactly is she saying? And why are there so much abbreviations and curse words? Honestly, her level of intelligence is now questionable.

I got some sentences, the rest, I don't get.

I still get her music sha so maybe she should keep doing that.

meobizy:
I now understand that it is jealousy from not understanding and/or not being able to pay to watch BBNaija that has people castigating its viewers. Lol. This is a case of a disabled child cursing able bodied ones for engaging in athletic activities. Poverty mentality is too rife in this forum. I wonder how most of you get data. It is not much of a mystery because I see some users complain of network cheats not being available.

Yeah, right! It's rocket science following a bunch of unintelligent, desperate has beens in a silly show. You are right, everyone who has issues with BBnaija is jealous and poor. Because DSTV subscription is that expensive or following it on Nairaland where it gets optimum attention is that hard. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Oga.

themaestro08:
excuse me, are you saying men who don't change diapers , bathe their kids and the likes are bad and unsuitable?

No, I can't say that actually. It's not my place.

However, like I said earlier, the small things matter as much as the big things. The memories and bonds you make with your child is irreplaceable. Check your memory, you'll remember who taught you how to ride a bike, who was outside your school waiting for you at your first closing, who was at the gate with goody bags on visiting day, whose face you saw when you turned your head in your sick bed, who prayed with you for your first major exam and has your picture tucked in their bibles/religious books, who you know has got your back anytime and any day.

Those are my memories and except in rare occasions, it'sfilled with my mum. Those are the memories my children will have. I want them to see their mother and father in all those pictures.

You can choose to be whatever parent you want to be. I know what kind of mother I want to be and what kind of Father I want to offer a children. To each, his own.

thorpido:
Your bolded is not necessarily true except you are using your experience as a yardstick.
I changed my children's diapers,bottle-fed them,woke up in the night to feed them,bathe them,sit with them to do homework and carry them to bed when it's time to sleep.They even choose to sleep beside me.I'm the one they want to ask their questions.
Now tell me why mothers are 'automatically' number one in a child's life.


Piroux,sorry about your dad's experience.Yes,most fathers especially the 70s and 80s fathers were like your dad.Many fathers in this generation are quite different

Lol, it's not a big deal though. In a way, the way he is has showed me what i don't want in a husband. The minute i meet a guy who says taking care of children is the woman' sole responsibility, I just smile and shift away kiakia.

I don't need any man calling me evil in the future because he invested money alone while i invested my heart in my children. If we do it together, no parent is ever forgotten. There are children who take care of both children equally because they know that both of them invested in their lives.

If you have been doing all you said above, then you're a good dad. May you not get tired and may you enjoy the fruits of your labour.

[quote author=obembet post=82542159]I have read series of argument on nairaland and other forums but it still baffled me why many children considered mother first before thier father. I'm a young lady too, I have feelings for my mom but my dad always been thier without any excuse.
mom is more important from birth till you go to school. [/b]After that it is the father who takes care of your education, guides you in your career.[b] At least in my case this is true because my mom was uneducated. My dad teaches us and guides all his children to succeed in life. Without my dad I will lose my path and fail in life. Therefore, In my case my father was a good man. My mom gave me life but my father taught me how to l

You sound like you had an amazing family, God bless them. However, the part i tried to bolden is the part of your write up that has a problem.
You see, this doesn't happen in a lot of families. In truth, Fathers and young men were raised to believe that being tough, stern and uninvolved was the best way to be a parent. African Fathers are generally uninvolved in their children's lives and that phase of bonding usually passes rather quickly.

My dad never changed my diapers, bathed me, spoon fed me or sat up with me when i was sick. Yet i adored him growing up. He never ever flogged me and he always bought me what i needed. When i became an adult though, i found out that because my mother had done the raising, i shared a lot of her personal values, i didn't even know what values he had as a person.

I couldn't say for certain where he went or what he did with his time and we got into several disagreements as i got older because he didn't know me and i barely knew him. I didn't get why men would drink, womanise or smoke and i was outspoken in my disdain for those things. He didn't understand why a girl would talk so loud and could be so bold. He didn't get why i wouldn't go to Mosque or why i didn't encourage my siblings to do same, when in truth, we had all been christians since forever! But he didn't notice.

He didn't know our favourite foods, songs or why we were in certain moods meanwhile, you come back from a long journey and your mom has your special food prepared. She tells everyone else that's my child's food oh, don't touch it. She knows when you're menstruating and how its doing you. Who your friends are and where they live.

I haven't seen my mom in 3 months and she calls me everyday, rain or sun. My dad can go a year without talking to us. Because of his other relationships, i doubt his love for me and my place in his life. To me, he comes first.

With my mum, that can never happen. She has five children, and despite our differences, none of us have ever had any moment of doubt for where we stand in her life. Even today, she would starve to see us fed. I had an accident less than a year ago and my mum was called from the scene, she started crying, the person calling had to tell her to calm down that i was fine. When my brother called my dad later, he was quite nonchallant.

That's the story of way too many fathers. Even in relationships, you love people because they love you and are loyal to you. And that's the story of mothers.

And why when money comes to children, their mothers are the ones they remember first. Trust me, no matter the financial input a person makes in your life, you will always remember the emotional input that was made in your life.

yeyeosoronga:
Hold the ceremony in your eldest son's house. He is the leader of the squad ain't he? The others should just show/give support such as contributing for food and other expenses for your guests

Leader of the squad over her own mother who's even older than him? Who does that?

Whats my own sef? Long and short, the girl is already pregnant at 20. Let her have her introduction, fortunately, introduction is not marriage. If after a few years, she becomes wiser, she can still go. But let her child be kn own with a father.

Op seems like a good guy, soft and humble. That can also be seen as weak by some women/girls. I don't know her age so i can't tell. This is Nigeria where a 28-year-old lady could still be in School.

She might not have cheated on you but could be intensely bored. That's the problem with long courtships and relationships. My advice is to give her space. Don't report her, don't try to control, don't monitor her. Stop doing those things, she might be feeling choked, tired or angry, especially if she doesn't do the same to you. Just leave her be for now and do you. Focus on yourself. In fact, if her family calls you, just greet them well. Tell them the wedding has been paused.

If in that time, she doesn't sit up and realize the gem she has in you, kindly let her go. Work out custody arrangements for your child, collect your bride price and move on. Life is too short for anyone to stay unhappy.

madridguy:
Nairaland ladies can be so funny. My sister stop dragging position with men.

Men can cheat and women can't :Pkiss the fact my sister.
A man can stand at the midst of his family, friends and say boldly, " that lady going i don chop her " but ladies can't. Why do you think God Almighty put seals on every woman?

My sister, cheating is not a thing to brag about but its easy for a man to gather his family to beg his wife over infidelity than a woman.
Make i stop here first.

Tells you what kind of irresponsible families some people come from. The issue is not about begging or not. Is it not the woman you catch that you will gather people to beg for? A lot of women aren't cheating openly, that's why men will raise other people's children and will not know until their death bed.

Men are open and think they have bragging rights because society makes their actions okay. Women are quiet and deeper, while the whole family is begging her, she smiles and accepts the apology meanwhile she knows already that 2 out of the man's children aren't is. Who do you think has a more lasting smile in the infidelity?

Stop telling yourselves wrong things, let all keep themselves. Stay true to your partner. As long as one sex thinks they have a right to it, it will never stop in the other.

yemmit90:
You dont say this madam, it is quite unfortunate that women are not at advantage when talking about cheating, unlike men, you lose everything and the person you are cheating with might not even marry or talk to you again after being caught.

Both men and women should remain loyal and faithful to one another, there is no gain in messing yourself around because of sex or material gain if two persons can become one and works toward their progress. Nothing good can ever come out of cheating but destruction and pains.

The second paragraph made a lot of sense actually. And i agree. I personally don't intend to cheat in marriage and i will not take such from a partner.

However, your first paragraph is totally obsolete. Women who cheat these days have alternatives unfortunately. Men marry them, they move on and have more children, they have jobs and play the field. A lot of them sustain and keep the homes and men cannot cope without them. Infact, why do you think there are more men forgiving cheating spouses? Their wives feed the homes, they provide. The age when cheating was a man only thing was when men alone sustained and provided for their homes. Now, the playing field has been leveled.

If any man considers himself the head of his home, let him set a good example in fidelity and loyalty. A man who cheats deserves a community vagina. If you want faithfulness, lay a good example and give it.

In my opinion, only an unintelligent person excuses infidelity in men and tackles that of women. Marriage is a give and take. No one is an idiot. What you cannot take, don't dish out.

I would have come up with a solution with you if you sounded remotely intelligent in your ridiculous assertions. But you didn't. Especially when you added that men can cheat and women can't.

So I'm done.

It's ironic that you call yourself modern ways though, you should call yourself "Oldstyle" "Yesterday's idea" or "Throwback"

Men can cheat and women can't, yen, yen, yen!

When you come up with ideas on how to make husbands stop cheating, then you will find a way to make wives stop. In the meantime, women will cheat with as much impunity as men have for ages. And everyone will suffer together.

Simpleandsweet:
My pulse raced as I read all you wrote cos I could clearly see a young woman making costly mistakes and about to make the costliest one that she will look back in less than 10 years from now and wonder how she got there..

What happened to your self worth and basic common sense? Why should a man who is not married to you be calculating your periods for you so he can get you pregnant for free? Do you think motherhood and marriage is child's play? Do you have a tangible source of income to cater for yourself and a child? What your boyfriend is asking you to do clearly shows you his character and what he stands for and you are too blinded by puppy love to see it for what it is!

He is using your brain and you are allowing him to use it! At 22, what's the rush? His sisters followed to warn you to leave their brother alone and you are still smiling and entering into fire?
Start by telling your mum you guys have been dating and want to get married and listen with an open heart all her reservations against him and truthfully ask yourself if they are really true or not before you take the next step which should definitely not be getting pregnant before marriage except you want to play with hot burning fire!!

Incase you didn't read all that I typed above, let me summarize it for you: Tomorrow is the sum total of our decisions today!
I pray God to give you wisdom!

Honestly, you took the words out of my head! What kind of irresponsible play is this? Where are young women dropping their brains? Get pregnant to win your mother's approval? Wonderful! Hopefully, the pregnancy will also win you his family's love, right? You are thinking like a child with self-esteem issues.

Even worse, the relationship is partially long distance, hence the reason why it seems like a fantasy. He only shows you his wonderful side. You would be in the class of people to get married and then come back and tell us your husband has changed. He's showing you all the signs now but you are determined to walk int this. His family doesn't like you, your mom doesn't like him, he's a supposedly former ladies man, he's spineless and manipulative, he likes to cut corners and he puts his own ambitions first regardless of anyone else.

Here's what men who have lots of experience do, they play the field while sustaining a semi-comfortable relationship with a gullible younger girl, most likely one they disvirgined themselves. They marry her before she clues in on things and give her few babies to occupy her time. Then they go back to their life of carousing, at which point, said young wife is too exhausted, hurt or disillusioned to fight. Because she is as weak as they imagined, she keeps quiet and they live nappily ever after. Or not.

Not that i am saying this is your fate, but be wise. You still have time to get your brain out of whatever locker you kept it and utilize it.

God help you!

blackangel0403:
he wants a family he will take over there because of culture and also he loves my sis, for all the people saying he wants a Nigerian wife, I kept quiet because I know the real truth. Guy means his words 100% and he is not insisting on getting pregnant, he suggested it to her because he wants to assure her he is here for stay, I am only buying into the idea because I don’t want her to miss this opportunity, she might never see such opportunity again in her life because of our Nigerian men mentality. Like one pointed out earlier, no sane man wants to take responsibility of another mans children. For dose saying am the one desperate here, maybe because I know better in the case than u and I can smell the future if she looses this guy.

You know what? You are right and we are wrong. You obviously know better than we do and we are advising you based on our own perceptions, personal and 3rd party experiences. Nonetheless, you might not be aware of it but your view is not only seemingly limited, you also make your sister come off as irresponsible. You make it seem like this man coming into her life and wanting her is a miracle that will never happen again. Is she that bad?
If you think of anyone this way, you will never be able to look at them objectively. You will keep thinking they are heaven and earth.
How does "Get pregnant before marriage" convince a woman that a man is here to stay, biko? Even if abroad things weren't involved, it reeks of lack of trust. I would immediately walk away from any man who suggested that to me, even if he says he was joking.
That you don't have a problem with it speaks volumes about your morals and those of your sister.
And what culture required a man bring a ready made family from outside? I didn't get that part.
Just thread softly. You can push and advice and encourage, if it doesn't work out, chances are your sister will blame you. Especially if she is one who doesn't take responsibility for her self.

I don't know if you are Christians but my bible makes me understand that the blessings of the Lord maketh rich and addeth no sorrows.
So saying God brought such a man into your sister's life is quite weird. You like him hence you aren't being rational. Haven't you heard of men who pay dowries, impregnate women and then leave them to go back and never return?
That's not God's will for anyone, kindly pray and seek His face when giving advice to others. That man is not out for your sister's good, be guided.

Your sister, seemingly wiser is not so wise spending so much of her time with friends and clubbing. Granted, she might be doing so so that she doesn't spend time alone thinking or being overwhelmed. But it never ends well. He who must make a journey in life, will first start alone. You should be advising your sister to make more time to reason, plan and prioritize her life and her children's over being an overgrown baby.

Jessie21:
They don't find it cool,i went against all of then and they left me to do what i want.Now am back and they've all accepted me back that's why i was told to remain apart till further notice.

Hmmm, if you didn't listen to your parents and Pastor about a man, why should we bother? Will you listen to is?? We are strangers now.

And these things you said he just started are impossible to start at once. Most likely he has been doing them before and you, in your loved up, no-intuition, unwilling-to-listen phase decided to ignore it.
Now you have a child.

In my opinion, except in the case of a miracle, there is no good ending in sight. His psyche is warped already. He's greedy, lazy and amoral. Decide if you want to continue down this part and become a prayer warrior wife.