₦airaland Forum

hmmmmm imo no i don't think so. whats the difference? 5 years? that doesnt seem like much to me.

really? what did i miss what did i miss? *re-reads*

oooooooooo *initial post modified*

@analytical AH it was not advice ooooooo, im telling her what she SHOULD DO!

kungiya:
halo everyone,

This indeed has been a very tough one on me and just couldnt take it anymore so i decided to do something about the situation.

I approached him yesterday night and told him i'm moving out the shock was clearly written on his face but i explained to that i can only fight with someone that is willing to fight with me, I can only fight for my marriage if he is also willing and after watching him for the past week, ave come to realise that he is not, so i want to give him his space.

Scondly, am not ready to be anyone's punching bag, I'd rather be the woman/wife that said no to it  than hang on to the tittle mrs and be receiving slaps after each arguiment, I am ready to be a single mother/divorcee with my peace of mind and clear face. My people i don the  table to him, he has been beging since yesterday, but live me sef i sabi do shakara.

Thanks for all the response(s) it worked magic for me. But the reality is that i really hope and pray (i have committed that one to God) that there wont be a second time.

good luck with all that

The question begs to be asked. How far along is your pregnancy??

I'm sure there is a Yoruba adage that fits this situation perfectly, unfortunately I do not know it

long story short, o girl the warning signs are there it's your choice on whether you want to pay attention to them.

I'm yet to see a happily beaten wife oooo- unless you want to top that list you better find your way out of the marriage fast fast.

Dunno why you married him in the first place. I'm more than sure he has been aggressive towards you before.

Ladies should take note.

ileobatojo:
LMAO. I’ve seen it all in this place. This guys want to die because the lady slept with 1 man? A victim of a predatory pastor no less? Oh the horror! In fact don’t just divorce her, crucify her ok?

are u minding them, as if they themselves haven't gang ra[i]pe[/i]d a pastors daughter! #kwasiabilities lol!

ThiefOfHearts:
LOL I dont know why people hate on queensmith. as for me like her well well.

This thread is almost 2 years old though. abeg.

Just wanted to say women talk too damn much. share this share that. stfu for once.

ah abi! see me see trouble ooo! dont mind them, some men just CANNOT handle a woman with her own mind. The day a dude here tells me he likes my kind of woman I might just leave and never come back!

and women TALK kilode! why nau? what he doesnt know wouldnt hurt him! and what he does know can be used in the future court of divorce!

o dear this is a pickle- i hope the op has left the ba**tard.

ifyalways:
Some arguments here are ridiculous to say the least.

Plus,some of us need to get back home and give a break already to the belief that Nigerian wives(career and housewives) are deadbeat and dumb.I've been in Nigeria for over a year now and things are NOT as bad for women as its painted on here.A woman dates and marries a jerk,she gets treated as a slut/bought slave,a lady horrible at housechores when single wont get any better in marriage. . .world over!

and oh i prepare my egusi,from scratch to finish in an hour,have 3 young boys and manage 2 businesses.

sure you do

can you also give me your recipe- unfortunately the time has been cut down to 40minutes since its a 20 minute drive to and from the market where i'll buy the stuff from.
Then there's walking up and down the market for the ingredients. Sha sha lets put it to the test and quash the argument once and for all!

mutter:
Queensmith I have two professional qualifications - law and business.
Surprised
I am not a career woman because my family is priority. I would not take a job that is not compatible.
But work I do. The fact that you catch me here so often is because I have this six week old bundle on arms.

Oh i forgot to add, I was not raised to be a lawyer or doctor and then got so bitter because I could not achieve my parents goal, like some here.

i wont be suprised if you had a degree and a phd, whats surprising in it?
We've jumped to too many conclusions here- one being that a career woman doesn't have family as a priority. This is a terrible misconception, what will be the point of working? why does your husband go out to work everyday? Does he care about his job more than you? Please lets not be silly here. We work for our families. A woman working hard to become a senior where's she's working is doing so for the children to reap the benefits. A woman taking a job with unconventional hours but fantastic pay is doing so for her children to have a role model. If one only had to work enough to eat a plate of food I wonder what the world will be like.

I find the last paragraph hard to believe, it's been a while i've come across a Nigerian who wasnt raised to be a doctor or a lawyer  

and I don't even have a baby but i have too much time for nairaland, procastination is my enemy. watch the exams finish and queensmith dissapear for another year!  

@Chaircover- the things I disagree with

What is inbuilt? What part of the females genetic composition leaves her with everything to do? What is missing from the male chromosome excluding him from doing anything?

with the career discussion, house finances are either your responsibility or  not? You either have a career or you don't, you either have the time or you don't. You can't juggle what you don't have. Unfortunately firms and industries don't conveniently open offices in every nook and cranny of the streets so we can have the choice of making a 5 minute drive back and forth every morning? Do I suggest KPMG open down my road when i'm married so I have time to cook for my husband who happens to also be my colleague?  cmon!

and your husband helps around the home   - david and dayo CAN YOU READ THAT? #kwasiabilities!

chaircover:
Queen, For the record, I am NOT a housewife, Never have been & never will be; neither was my mother or my grandmother. I juggle my career, my business and my family commitments. Am I superwoman NO; There are many women in my position who do it day after day and they just get on with it. Some are even single mothers, so I even have the luxury of a helper.

I made this assumption earlier when I asked you to correct me and you didn't. You said your not responsible for the finances and that you traded in security for housework?
From this I deducted you probably don't have a 9- 5 job? and probably haven't maintained one from when you married til now. I didn't want to allow men like dayo to use examples out of women that are not in the same situation as the op.
Soo far only two types have disagreed- the men, and the wives that don't really have jobs (if we're to speak candidly). You can't juggle what you don't have.
since you traded in security and your not responsible for the finances. Most working women are half responsible for the mortgage, the bills, and can't even dream of working part time. How do you compare?

chaircover:
so I even have the luxury of a helper.

Like I said earlier, There are some things that I expect my husband to do and somethings that I expect to do because we are different and better at doing these things. These things however are not written in stone and there is nothing stopping either of us from helping each other out

I just got back from a one week business trip to leaving the kids behind. My kids ate, had clean clothes, went to school and had their homework submitted on time and went to all their after school activities in my absence so my husband can hold the fort in my absense but what would have taken him one hour to do would have taken me 10 minutes to do. I am better at some things just as he is better at some things.

All said and done, there are some things expected of a woman and some expected of a man. God forbid If my child appears at school dirty and unkept then that is my problem and if my garden fence falls down in galeforce winds, then that is my husbands problem. The his and hers general responsiblitys I think is the norm all over the world.

With everything else we are saying the same thing. Or maybe not. You say you have the luxury of a helper? Does your husband help with the frequent chores at home or only when the hypothetical gale force breaks the fence down?

And we disagree on things expected by a particular gender, i will reiterate- if a woman is working and contributing to the household outside of the home. Then the man needs to contribute as much inside.

^^ lol- a pun is supposed to be a form of a joke. i have the feeling you knew that

@aji- u will not allow for inflation abi? Kilode

@topic. . . . . . . interesting *massages moustache* so in a way we're right back to the beginning except nigerians are paying a 3rd more for fuel than before.

hmmm- then maybe such a man should have maintained a dossier on a woman he is planning to marry.

Or better still groom a child til marriage so she turns out exactly how you want.

even better marry a robot- you know where it's been and can determine what it will do.

but even in that case if irobot is anything to go by they can outsmart you and try to take over the world

this is very very tricky you know. I'd have to create a think tank of geniuses to create a solution to this dire dire problem.

tut tut its hard isnt it? Such person should just remain single. It's too much for some to take risks with the facts of life.

ehn now, we're saying the same thing. Your supposed to teach me by sending me the recipe of your advanced non lazy egunsi stew.
cmon dont be selfish

^^ either ways please send the recipe to me. I am beginning to believe you are the real superman, or maybe flash

faster than the speed of light eh!


speed cooked egusi! hehe!

[quote author=c.fours link=topic=870887.msg10213535#msg10213535 date=1329449652]who cares.

next time, think carefully before you exaggerate your comments. like the egusi soup faux pas, for example. I can't stop laughing at that one.[/quote]o GURL! i SWEAR! its not even funny! actually it totally is!

mutter:
QUEENSMITH sometimes women can be so amazing.
A Career woman and I mean one that values her career, in the first place does not go marrying a man who is not compatible with her career. I know what kind of woman I am and how spontaneous I can get when it comes to such things so I made sure I married a man ho can accept me as I am. My husband has never stood in my way and God knows there were times i was working as much as 13 hours a day. However at that time my husband was back to school and had more time for the home.
My husband is reasonable enough to know my limitations and he helps me where he can. And yes I am not a feminist, I see no need to go get my car washed or tanked, what for? And you might find this hard to swallow, but I do see the house chores as my duty, so it`s simply about saying please and thank you. And yes I love being a slave to my husband Why not, its just one of the many roles I play as a wife and my husband is everything and more to me. He is my hold in my weakest times and my greatest strength and inspiration.

long story short you have no professional career? Just a slave to your husband? Ok we don hear you. Your case is inapplicable. I'm not fighting about wives like yourself well done and good luck with all that. Some women are satisfied with little and I believe thats a good thing. Fulfilment means alot more to some of us and this is where problem begins. Looking for too much in life. O well.

davidylan:
Quite a stup[i]i[/i]d and unecessarily aggressive retort to be honest. You seem to type on your keyboard without thinking at all.

Thank you for pointing that out- I repeated everything you said and you've confirmed the argument is stu[i]p[/i]id. Well done for finally realising.

dayokanu:
And do people need to cook fresh egusi, fresh soup, fresh stew every day of the week? And where do you see the men that must eat daily made soup? Even in my parents generation which would be considered more conservative they dont eat new soup/stew daily

Unless you are just arguing for the sake of it. If its for the sake or argument we can also say some people need their bathroom scrubbed everyday, their car serviced everyday, new clothes everyday just to make our argument more "delicious"

A married woman Chaircover wrote it and i quoted her, the responsibility of her husband and what she expects from her husband

There you go with all these kind of arguments again. You are threading on uncertain territories

"White women dont cook", "People spend 5 hours daily cooking", "now nobody fixes their car by themselves"

How come Chaircovers husband does it? Or isnt he in the subset of your "Nobody does"

Maybe you can extrapolate it to nobody secures their own house when they are not police

Actually yes- a proper african diet will require you to cook something afresh everyday? Is that not what you guys believe? You won't go a day without eating? Eating out is taboo? Tis forbidden and abominable for a man to help in the kitchen, I can't see a typical naija man eating the same soup everyday? long story short yes, if i remember correctly back home we cooked fresh stew every day. The red stew was basic so that could last 2-3 days. But in between they will cook the odd egunsi, okra, vegetables, what not what not. Then theres breakfast and if you have little children theres lunch.
Snacking is also forbidden so you will rarely see a naija man do that, unless on garri- which is probably abominable to the egotistical nigerian man.

Chaircover is a housewife- also unapplicable we are not discussing housewives here. Please remember they do not have jobs. They have ALL DAY to do the housewife for christ sake! kilode!

Does a person need to eat everyday? the answer is yes. Does a car need to be serviced everyday? The answer is no. Carry on.

Erm I live in a house and not a bus shelter dayo- that argument is super lame. I've never 'secured it' in the God knows how many years I've been living here. I've never seen my dad secure the house we grew up in so I will like you to explain to me PLEASE what this securing is about.

I'm going to stop this back and forth with you it's wasting my time. DO PEOPLE FIX AND SERVICE THEIR CARS THEMSELVES? DO THEY DO THIS EVERYDAY? NO THEY DO NOT! STOP CHATTIN SHYTE!

@David do you mind sending me the recipe to this 20minute egunsi stew? I think I can sell the recipe. It's actually scientific discovery.

armyofone:
so if it is that easy, why do guys not want to do it often now?

this is the million dollar question, since its soo easy they can do it themselves she?

dayokanu:
- Most families dont cook egusi daily. Most families cook pot of soup to last them for days and just warm it daily

- The man was eating before he got married either by cooking or buying food.

When you get married, there are some roles you pick up and some you might drop. e.g a man that was cooking for himself before marriage might have to reduce it when married, the woman that was fixing her electrical appliances, taking charge of her security, fixing her car somehow before marriage might reduce it after marriage.

If you insist on both keeping their pre-marriage roles then whats the point living together or being married

Egunsi is the most popular dish where i come from, an average family will eat it at least 3 times every week. some have mentioned here their husbands dont even eat day old soups? your point please?
since the man was catering for himself before he got married why turn to a reta[i]r[/i]d after?
taking charge of her security? is this administration of an envoy? dont chat rubbish please
nobody fixes their own car unless they are a mechanic, and cars do not require daily servicing like these men do. try again please

davidylan:
I cook my own egusi soup from scratch and it takes me max 20 mins to put ingredients together and no more than 1 hr all together. Seriously what is your point? I cook ofe owerri myself, i make my own pepper soup, efo riro, ewedu, okra soup with panla . . . so exactly what is it that you women do that we shld bow down and kiss your feet for? Laundry - easy: just make sure you have a designated spot for your clothes and get a washer and dryer. Cleaning house - get urself a carpet and hardwood cleaner, run over your floors once a week. What else is special about you?

Thankfully my mom made sure she taught me everything around the house, its always a shock when i tell most of my partners that i would hardly miss them if they dropped off the face of the earth.

For someone that wants to seem religous you sure do like to lie. It takes you 20 minutes to go down to the market and buy the ingredients required for egunsi?
everything else you've said is utter nonsense. if it's soo easy i still don't see why the men can't do it? what is soo special about you that you cannot do your own laundry and mop the floor? what? does yourpenis prevent it?

dayokanu:
Most guys before getting married had a way of cooking and eating. You dont need to be an excellent cook to feed yourself. I dont throw away food, If it comes out bad, I must eat it that way

and with cooking you can learn on the job. The things you cant cook, read up online, I learnt some recipes from MissyB's page on NL.

I can tell you I eat out max 2 times a week every meal I cook.

In this new world, washing plates = dishwasher, washing clothes = washing machine, Cleaning = vacuum cleaner. even boiling rice nowadays has been made easy buy those rice boliers, plug them to mains and go to sleep shikena!!!

Is it the gargantuan effort to load the clothes in the washing machine or the muscle to load plates in the dish washer?

When girls go to visit their bfs maybe for weekends, he would likely cede control of the kitchen to the woman, but when you are gone, he resumes back to the place

then why are we debating? if this attitude continues into marriage then there won't be any problems like the op.

mutter:
The issue of the man helping does not even arise.
A career woman that cannot manage or organise her husband

I don't see why she has to? he has no hands and legs? a career means nothing to you obviously. To a man it's absolutely everything, and it should be the same to a woman. A man shouldn't be liability.

armyofone:
ewwww, what's that inside the pot david  ?

20mins egusi is like  
please come and eat real ofe egusi from nwa mama (oxtail, ponmo, crayfish, spinach, ugu, bitterleaf, tinko, mangala, bonga, atarodo, tatashe all dey inside). not that Rachel Ray egusi soup of 20 mins you dey take brag here  .

he likes to chat shit, he does- even my oyibo egusi that doesnt have half the things you have mentioned doesnt take 20minutes. Talkless of all the preparation they do back home.
Over here we are lucky, most things are processed and washed before sale. I dont even want to think of the gutting and skinning one has to do for stew back home. kmt

^^*vomits*

^ i think i can sum both those points up.

1) I mentioned earlier, i have no intentions of arguing how long it takes to cook african food. Maybe for you preparing a pot of egunsi takes 5 miniutes.We know the truth and the reality of our foods- that our men demand. It's not an easy thing. Talkless of the amount of time it will take Nigerians to trudge through those disorganised markets looking for ingredients, an extra kudos to those that eat proper pounded yam. It's no walk in the park, it will be disrespectful to suggest so.

The amount of time i spent writing this reply i couldve finished a white persons dinner- even a posh one like roasted salmon in white wine sauce, [s]they dont need the food properly cooked most of the time anyways[/s] (ok that was racist )
anyways Dayo if the food is soo easy to prepare- then it shouldnt be soo difficult for the men to prepare it. Unless a man is physically handicapped I struggle to see why he shouldn't do anything in the house. Thats just pure lazy!

Agimor:
Your mum and your dad has a child,the child is not your brother and not your sister,who is the child to you.

[quote author=laz_inc link=topic=850188.msg10209574#msg10209574 date=1329405378]YOU[/quote]i wouldnt have guessed in a million years!!

love it!

Sagamite:
Shut up, cretin!

White men or Black men will not want your Obese arse. No fcking loyalty can save you from that.

it amuses me to see you sulk like this, i find it amusing.

carry on id[i]i[/i]ot!

dayokanu:
^^ And where in the world do women cook for 5hours everyday?

Even people that run canteens dont cook 5 hrs perday

is that your new argument? That it doesnt actually take long to cook Nigerian food so it's not actually strenious? Or are you just nit picking?
ah you must be right dayo- it only takes 10minutes, thats why all these women are cooking over long weekends and storing it in the freezer for months on end. It's actually indomie they are cooking like that.

who said anything about medical schoolmoron?

its not that expensive you might as well get a new one?

@saga's post, that bunch of hypocritical racist bull shit should be added to a thread titled the dumbest i've ever heard! mshew!
what a whole load da crap! i cant get over how stupid you sound. dear lawd almighty- black men date white women because they have swagger? they are strong? o spare me the arrogant bull crap PUHLEEEEZE!

Without being racist, let me tell you. The reason most interracial couples are blackmen/whitewomen is because black men are the least loyal of all races, they are least respecting of black woman. and only black men use the women as an excuse for their life failures.
Unfortunately when it comes to black women, the sentiment isn't reciprocated. I would have stated white men actually do find black women attractive but that will just be speculation I have no time to prove. Nevertheless the women serve the men with undeserved loyalty, and that is why they don't tend to date other men.
and if i was to be racist, i will say it's because black men are easy, and will date anything in skirt.

Dayo, your having a laugh arent u? Your having a joke? your going to compare DAILY COMPULSORY activities to the odd hypothetical one? SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? I cant indulge the argument it's a foolish one. If a man will compare mowing the lawn (something i'm sure most of them don't even do!) to strenious things women find themselves doing every day, like cooking for 5 hours. Then I don't see the point.

talking like every man is a mechanic or knows a damn thing about electrical appliances, mshew, men are not needed for anything around the home. Any woman that says otherwise is as retarded as the men that drive their wives as slaves.

^^*vomit*- why don't they all quit their jobs and beg for bread on the street. kmt

Sagamite- More black men date white (and other) women that black women dating white men. Explain

Ninapha- I cannot reconcile with anything you say. And coming from a woman I'm finding most of it disheartening. 'stationed housekeeper'?
We thank God for the women that brought us freedom. Left to women like you stationed housekeeping is all we'll be known for.

Hbabe- Good luck with it jare. Been fighting soo much here I even forgot the reason were discussing . take regular breaks from it all and spurge on fast food! but dont get fat! lol. at least not until the babies come!

Lol its an assumption please correct me if im wrong.

I think such an arrangement is outdated and unnecesary but thats my opinion people are different. But this doesnt mean a womans place is in the kitchen or a man shouldnt throw his weight about. A wife is a wife and not a maid.

How are you going to tell someone the way he/she feels is wrong? Who are you to do this?
Are u the creator of man?
If she's a lesbian she's a lesbian, get over it.

12inches thats not pussy worship. Thats transactional sex. And the reason why its soo predominant in Nigeria is because the men have nothing to offer but their money. Someone said we have a culture of draining mens finances, why will we not when men continue to use it as leverage and the women refuse to work? We end up with a culture that confines a woman to the kitchen regardless of whether or not she is also doing other things.

@chaircover im assuming your a housewife. And when i say housewife minus your maternity leave youve worked less hours outside of the home than your husband.
Many nigerian women trade a career for a marriage and a job for children, still doesnt mean they are on this earth to cook and clean. Cooking is not rocket science and neither is cleaning. Women with with professions do not behave like housewives. It's simply not possible, we may take a 50/50 opinon differently oyibo women are not subjected to thier husbands like Nigerian women are. Nobody can deny this. Its not a misconception, how many oyibo women do you know serve their husbands? How many full time working oyibo women do you know cook and clean without the husbands help? How many full time working oyibo women don't contribute to the house's expenses? Please marriage is very very equal, as equal as it can get anyways.

No im saying men should throw equal weight about the house because all house chores dont belong to the woman. If the woman is going to work to contribute equally towards the expenditure then the man should work to contribute towards their welfare. Its very simple.
Im very sure hilary's definition of caring for clinto.n is different from yours. Lest we forget what hilary was doing for clinton years ago bill is now doing for hilary. Definition of an equal partnership. They support each other acheive the same goals. Thanks for that example.
Just because women have been subjected to doing something doesnt mean their 'naturally good at it' its a simple case of cultures raising their children according to gender inequalities.
Esp african cultures of penisworship. If both boys and girls were taught how to cook and clean how are women going to be naturally good at it?
Abeg abeg.