₦airaland Forum

In addition to some good points that some guys/gals have mentioned, I believe women change after marriage and I think the society is to be blamed for this.

In this part of the world the society is more tolerant towards men so that the man can have the worst character ever and will still be able to get a woman to marry because the woman is expected to live with the character, whereas there is a  long list of what a marriagable lady should be like, I call it the 'superwoman list', so the woman, in this society where marriage is the ultimate has to allign with this list or nothing for her.

I tell you, no human being can be the 'superwoman' for life!

chaircover:
I was reading between the lines of what the poster said.

People will not believe how much strife "looking after the in-laws" can cause if not handled well.

An example is what happens in a scenario where one of the in-laws is much richer than the other (parent A is a petty trader and parent B is a Government minister)and say for example you want to buy each of them Christmas or birthday presents? Are you going to send N5,000 to the petty trader and a whole cow for the minister? or will you given them both the same thing?

What about a scenario where one partner has no siblings to look after and the other comes from a family of 10 junior siblings who are all in school?

Another scenario is where the husband has lost his job and the wife is the only one working, but she only sends money to her parents, saying she cant afford to look after the husbands parents too on her wages

Another scenario is where the wife is a housewife & the husband claims that he has big projects going on and therefore cannot afford to be throwing money around etc

We all agree that the wife/husband should send money to their parents; no question about that, but it can be a little more complicated than that and must be handled wisely.

@Chaircover

Godbless you! these are real everyday issues not some 1+1=2 thoery!

AL-qeada may be right, it may make more sense to get about 15% on your money without the stress of building than to receive just 20% after the stress and frustration of putting a building together.

Believe me, building is tough, except you have enough dough to make another person handle part of the stress and that ofcourse increases your capital.

LAELIST:
@Shinatu
I have for you an acre of land very close to Lead city university as requested and will be suitable for hostel project.
Landlord has genuine C Of O.
Asking Price is 15 Million Naira but negotiable
contact 07031815280 for viewing and more details.

LAELIST,

Thank you for the info, I may not be able to pick the full 1 acre but i have noted the contact details for further discussions

@Poster

I am sure you saw other ladies who could speak good english, even better than the Queen before you
decided to marry your wife. Something made you ignore them to marry the one you married, please focus on those things and do not stress and frustrate the woman's life by trying to make her what she is not.

If you knew being able to speak good english was this important to you, you should have looked for one who could

These is a lesson for all those who choose patners based on other people's statements of 'a good wife'

That traditional good wife may not just suit you!

@laelist


Do you have any info on plots of land around Lead City University? am in need of a piece of land to develop a hostel.

Thanks Hakir

Fhemmmy:
Like i said, that will means that people are marrying not cos they wanna but cos
1. They wanna make God happy
2. They wanna make our society not to frown at them

So where do the people marrying stands, where is their own happiness?

Making God happy simply keeps some people happy.

Those bank CEOs are rougues. They are the ones that put thier staff in this mess.
I am afraid for the Banking Industry, the day they stop paying thier staff well with the kind of stress they expose them too, fraud will become an everyday affair in the bank.

Now that the 'small' guys know what the 'big' guys are doing, without them being assured of job security, 'grab what you can grab' will become the other of the day!

Jarus:
Insha Allah, I will leave Lagos for my hometown in Offa, Kwara state on Thursday morning. The whole family from different parts of the country, full house, will be bubbling Thursday evening, so we'll have enough gists and gists, jokes, family re-union, etc.

Friday, sallah proper, the whole family go to eid(praying ground) in a convoy of at least four cars. After eid, then the rams killing and other related activities. Then Jum'at prayer. Sallah day evening, to go out and see old friends that also came home for sallah. More and more gists till late in the night when I'll retire home.
Saturday, to go and see my 'Hajia-in-process' in Ilorin
Sunday, back in Lagos insha Allah.

This is worth looking forward to!

True Dat.
Most marriages of today is just sad, cos how cld u love a woman and yet beat same woman.
How can you love a man and yet insult him, or not respect him.
How cld you have kids in a wedlock and yet all they do is show those kids how the man can beat the woman.


@Fhemmmy

This is not God's design for marriage, this is what we have made it to be with our selfishness.
If one really looks at the family structure critically one will see the wisdom in marriage.

queenesthr:
We really do not have to marry. Unfortunately, lots of people realise this after they have gotten married. There seems to be a misguided notion ( I wonder where it came from) that one has to be married in order to be respected in the society and to be taken as a responsible person.
It is more of a societal status thing. Inside us, in our heart of hearts, most of us realize that that marriage is a farce and does not really affect who we are inside.

Especially the woman, it is the reason many women get married(in Naija).

hakir:
yes, you can get in lugbe for that amount but it will be for long term development as it will take time to open up, but as regards FHA and ACO estate lugbe, u cant get for that budget, it has to start from 2m and above

@hakir,

Thanks for this info, what makes the FHA and ACo estate more expensive since they are also in lugbe and you have mentioned that lugbe may take time to open up

@Busy_body


Marmaduke and Jaguda_bob gave a break down in their posts above, you may want to check their posts

madam L:
My dear Shinatu, I was only saying lawyer forgot that some of us didn't know him before the post. Maybe he is a top shot but I never encountered him before the post. He assumed we all know him and his touted good works.

I didn't say they should not praise him. I am only saying in the last part that if he wants to sell to a larger audience he has to realise that new people sign up daily and so he must have to convince them too. If he is not adviced to show tolerance and patience, he will always have this type of problem since a typical Nigerian greets any money story with suspicion.

I run a biz in which I sell everyday and I know what I take at the hands of customers but that is not enough to pack up and leave. My skin is as thick as that of an elephant now. I don't quite enjoy the hassles but I have learnt to live with them and reach out to even more customers.

The problem is that those his fans are not allowing him to concentrate. That area of town he is selling is a big risk. I truly bought and lost three plots there. Another friend lost ten cool plots. She sold her plots at Crown Estate to pay for the ten. Another lost his own land plus they knocked down a house he had already started building.

Lawyer asked me to name the family and all that but I decided not to when I saw where he implied I must have done something wrong to make them take back the land. That was too annoying. I knew he and his fans will never believe me and will only use the information to abuse me even more since they have already decided I lost the plots due to my stupidity.

Enough said on my part about this matter. Lawyer can decide to win the rest of us or sell to his fans. A lot of new entrants to NL are big buyers and this is an anonymous location so you never can tell who you are addressing and his or her purchasing power. I think he has to know the site is growing and NL is attracting top shots who he can catch with more patience. Me, I am off to my own dear wahala customers.

O.K, I get you now.

madam L:
Marmaduke, no one is out to destroy your lawyer but anyone who dishes out insults and is not able to endure some of it is immature. Like someone pointed out here, he was dealing with a mixed multitude and not all of us are aware of his much touted goodness. In Nigeria, the norm, if you value your money, is to be very cautious.

Lawyer ought to know that and so not type big words of abuse when people were just doing no harm by saying shine your eyes. Your lawyer seems to be under the impression he is such a big NL shot that we all know him and are ready to worship at his altar of touted honesty. That is very far from the truth except for those who only check the property threads.

He can choose to be very polite and tolerant if he wants to post for everyone in NL or restrict it to where only his fan club members can see his treasures and snap them up. I have had cause to place a call to one of the property people on NL.

For lawyer, I can only repeat that he learns tolerance or develops a thick skin. If not, he will only find solace in dealing with just the people fawning and praising him as if he is the best thing to happen to this world. He can choose to broaden his horizon by becoming more accommodating or allow the people praising him to high heavens to limited his reach. I repeat, nothing personal against him.

Madam L,

I truly appreciate your advice to Lawyer but I do not understand this parts.
Is it a crime to praise someone for a good deed he has done for you when the situation arises? I observed that almost everyone who praised Lawyer mentioned a specific thing that he did to warant such a praise.

or are you one of those who believe that praising someone for a good deed is not needed so as not to make the person's 'head to swell' unnecessarily? (I could infer that from your post)

@lawyer

I was a bit amazed at your earlier outburst because I did not expect you to take every comment made here to heart. I am not sure you visit other sections of NL to see how people exchange insults like they are ready to tear each other apart. It has sadly become the NL norm.

I think I now empathize with you after reading about all you go through to get all this information that we receive from you. No man will go through all that and not be upset with all the negative comments.

I am sure you expected people to grap the Okun Mopo as the great opportunity that it is, I am sure some people already did that, those are your own people, run with them, they trust you, give them the best you have to offer,
maintain that relationship and forget about others. Stop trying to please or convince everyone  if you do not want to get old before your time!

As for me, I am glad I met you, I will call you as regularly as I like and I am sure we will still do some great stuff together.

Pharoh:
Thunder fire you for that statement wey you make so

I am very much against abuses on NL, but I had to laugh over this one.

AjanleKoko:
Haba, how can someone say he is working in Shell, Halliburton or Chevron, and is better off?
Most people in Nigeria don't even have a career. They armtwist their relatives to get a job in all these places. Then they promptly start a lifelong cat and mouse game to stay in the system. Those are the 'big boys'.

Some people run their business and make money . . . however, if the system is working, those 'businesses' would disappear with ease.

I'll use a telecoms example. In the late 90s , Oluwole boys selling 'fire' line were all over the place, people were making huge killings from operating business centers and cybercafes. People used to queue for hours to receive a phone call from abroad. A friend of mine owned four of such business centers.

With the coming of deregulation in telecoms, where are all those business centers, when you can make an international call from your CDMA cell for as low as N10 a minute, or 55 kobo per second (GSM)? That my friend has shut down all the business centers and is now looking frantically for a job.

It's just like saying you're selling generators or inverters, and making millions of naira. Fix the power problem, where does that leave your 'business'?

Oh, by the way, I live and work in Nigeria, so I am no 'Diasporean'.

@Ajanlenkoko

I do not believe you are saying this I had no intention of posting on this thread but I could not allow this to pass.
I am in the Nigerian Oil&Gas and I want to ask you if you have any experience with recruitment in any of the companies you mentioned above?

The Oil and gas industry, especially exploration and development is a highly Technical one requiring the best of brains who compare well with their colleagues in other parts of the world through participation in international professional exams.

These multinationals have established cross posting programmes where the Nigerian staff get to work in their companies in other parts of the world from time to time and you say these guys do not have careers?

I am not talking about who is a 'big boy' and who is not, just to let you know that the people who nuinely work for these companies do not need to armtwist anyone to be there.

[quote author=!amebo no1 link=topic=344168.msg4873301#msg4873301 date=1257513576]and why did the unfortunate gulr go have un protected sex with a man who hasnt even bothered to pay her dowry?

it takes two uncompromising idiots to tangle[/quote]That is my point exactly! I just could not see anyone calling the guy an idiot too!

A question to be answered, I have read many posts of people claiming that women become arrogant when they become successful, it would be nice for people to please let us know how humble men become when they are successful, or is humility a virture for women alone?

It has also been mentioned that successful women start to throw money their money on their husband's faces when it starts to 'get to their heads'.

Please let Nigerian married women, who live in Nigeria come and honestly tell us how nicely and politely their husbands always respond to thier demands for money (house keeping, school fees etc)

A woman should make money and offer it to the man on her knees while the man can tell you the story of how he is plucking the money from the tree!


It is just an unfair world, isn't it?

[quote author=Ben-10 link=topic=347596.msg4872943#msg4872943 date=1257510265]Women tend to forget they're still women when they have some little cash.[/quote]And she should constantly be reminded of that and be put in her place . that is how wahala starts

I have heard of many nasty things that housewives say to their husbands that the husbands just ignore and go to sleep but a successful woman dare not open her mouth to say such things, the whole world would know that she does not want to respect her husband because she is successful and the ever ready busy body women around will be too happy to spread the news.

Outstrip:
Are you guys suggesting that because he did not want the child then she should have aborted the baby? As for the person saying work two jobs how many jobs do you have? If she is working the two jobs who will be raising that child? He needs to pay for the childs upkeep and she also needs to contribute. If she can afford to do it all on her own then that is fine also.


The poster still has not explained what she meant by if he pays the back child support she will hand over the baby??

I do not understand these people o! Why did the guy who knew he did not want any pregnancy at that time go ahead to have unprotected sex? This is a clear example of men not wanting to take responsibilities for their actions! You are responsible for your destiny, you do not expect other people to make sure you do not have an unwanted child, you do it yourself.

It is what they see in movies and read in romantic books, where the bad, handsome and macho guy that has many women flocking around him end up falling in love with a particular lady and they get married and live happily together ever after.

So they stick to these guys hoping that despite all the playing around he will end up loving them forever as in the movies.

But real life is soooooooooooooooooooooo different!, even if they end up together the bad habits the bad guy has picked up in his bad years will make her life miserable.

Outstrip:
What irritates me are the Nigerian women who are successful but you can see that they are going above and beyond to make sure they do not step on their husbands toes. If you are successful and you cannot be happy about it because it will make your husband sad then you have serious issues. I don't see why a man feels all of a sudden that he cannot "take care" of a woman because she is succesful. That is so sexist. You are basically implying that for you to feel like a man the woman has to be unsuccessful. Go ahead and prove to the poster what she already knows. At least you were subtle unlike Cantell who just came out and said successful women intimidate him.

As for me this is my own personal belief. All men at one point or the other will feel intimidated by a successful wife. It is natural. The only difference is that in the Nigerian culture she is more likely going to be oppressed because of it. If she feels like she is being forced to feel small by her husband and pushes back then she is seen as being a bad person. It is different in the west where a woman can be successfull and not have to make excuses for it or tone it down so that people will not think that she is the one feeding him. In the west your money is his money at the end of the day. Our culture set the men up for failure because the only thing most men contribute to the family dynamic is the sperm and money for the upkeep. When the woman starts making the money and they man falls on hard times and realizes that he placed his worth in the wrong place he takes it out on the woman.

Exactly!
Many Nigerian man are brought up in a way that they become useless once they cannot provide financially, since they are not equipped to provide any other necessary support.
Women should stop bringing up their boys this way if they really want things to change.

@anddrewz


I am so proud of you, wish we had more husbands like this.
Please do not be discouraged if you try any of these suggestions and she is still not too happy.
You may have to give her time, time heals, especially when there is a loss of a loved one.

@stages,


I can authoritatively tell you, you are just getting yourself unnecessarily worried, did you say 2months?
When I had my miscarriage I was told that many first pregnancies end up that way, so please stop worrying!

You could also approach the Doctor who handled your case during the miscarriage to get the details of what happened
I am sorry, I do not know much about ovulation kits, the Saliva type that I tried to use at one time got me more confused as I could not understand the thing

@dakkylove,

Please see my contribution in a related post



An intelligent and successful single lady has a lot of bitterness coming her way, she is a constant reminder of how a failure the man is (for a man who wants to see it that way) she will have to be extra soft and extra quite for her not to be called a bitch, come to think about it, even her quietness would be regarded as arrogance!

From my experience in the office, guys like and are more comfortable with women who depend on them to deliver (although they are quick to call them dullards behind their backs)  more than those who know what to do and go ahead to do it.


But I just recently transacted a business with a man who was proud to tell me that he respected women because his wife made him who he is today, he even repeated it when the wife later joined us, I was shocked, such a proclamation from a Naija man ?

What he did made me to respect him more

Ladies,

I am struggling for words to express my emotions right now, maybe beause I sort of know what you are going through and I know words are not enough to comfort one in that situation only God can.

I lost my first pregnancy, although it was early but a D&C still had to be done to clean me up, so here I went as a married woman to carry out a D&C!. That was the first time to be put to sleep for a medical procedure in my life.

I felt bad and the bad feeling did not just end when I got pregant again, It only changed form. I was scared throughout that pregnancy, I was not happy in it.I was put on progestorone injection for the first 12weeks, twice a week just to be causious since we did not know the reason for the miscarriage. I kept on running to the toilet with a heavy heart anytime I felt any thing tickling me down there. I did not even want people to know I was pregnant incase anything happened again.

But it all went well, I was so healthy, I only allowed anxiety to deprive me of the joy of carrying that pregnancy but mmmmh sisters I could not help it o. so many bad thoughts were going through my mind.

Now that I want another baby, I am determined not to get worried, God has given me this one and I will enjoy him, others will come when they will come.

I love you all.

This is a tough one, you do not want to be to hard on her incase she is really lonely and in need of friendship, you also do not want to indulge her incase she is up to no good but you have not been able to decipher precisely what she is up to.

I felt so sorry for the woman after reading your post but the fact still remains that she is not a balanced woman (as a few people have pointed out) and it is dangerous to leave a baby with such a person.

I also suggest that you start to lock your doors, do not open when she knocks and when she later asks you about it, tell her the baby was sleeping and you did not want him disturbed. you can do this during the day and when your husband is around in the evening you can keep the doors open for her to visit so that she does not feel that you are keeping her away completely.

It is good to be in good terms with your neighbour in Nigeria, there is no 911 to call o!

aysometin:
For the part in bold above
Please read in between the lines!!
what she means by he works in a bank is that 'he can afford to give me more money'.
If you have all read this story well, u will realise that she is complaining because she knows the guy is selfish!!

For the part in green, she said he pretends that the money is enough!! What kind of meaningful discussion can you have with such a hard hearted man??

It is so easy to tell the kind of person the man is!!

All the men supporting the guy are birds of the same feather and I really pity your wives!! If you like crucify me, I don't care.

If you don't know by this stage that the way forward in a home is dialogue.
You and your wife should bring all your earnings together and decide how it should be spent.
No wise woman  wants the downfall of her husband

saving money, she is not grateful bla bla bla
You think it is easy for a woman to spend her money on the home and see that her husband spends his own money on new baffs, having fun, carrying chics etc
Even a total virtuous woman can not stand it, especially when you know he earns enough to take care of you

Shameless men!! If you are not ready to be reponsible, please stay unmarried
Incase you are all wondering, I am happily married

@Aysometin

By NL standard,you cant be happily married with this kind of reasoning, you must either me a single mother or a frustrated old cargo

"this guy has said it all, pray for your hussy. I know of a friend who has been taking care of the family (2 kids and husband) for d past 4 yrs. her husband have tried his hand on so many businesses but always failed, though d guy didnt stop, he had made up his mind that he will never do a 31days work but he still yet to break even. is d wife that pay d house rent, bills, sch fees clothing and d rest. shes a product of brokenn home as such she didnt want her children to pass through what she pass thorugh hence she has decided to stay with her husband no matter what. So please appreciate your husband thank God you're also working"



I know some ladies like this too, who carried the 'load of two people' (perfect wives you would say) many of them did not live to reap the fruit of their labour, their health deteriorated as a result of 'overload'!