₦airaland Forum

Lax75:
Let me tell you what is really sad. I know someone who is married and has kept a mistress for almost a decade. He treats his wife like garbage. Besides almost killing her last year, he makes his wife take a taxi to work (he has 10 cars by the way), while he has bought a car for his mistress and even her mother! His wife literally has to "beg" him for money while he takes his mistress with him on his international business trips, flying first class everywhere and splurging on her.

Sad thing is that many of these women in naija would say this man is NOT stingy. I'm sure his mistress would even say he truly loves her because of all the money he splurges on her. The point I'm trying to make is that this is what things have come to in naija. Shame. Behind closed doors, these same chicks who men are splurging on are making fun of these men who "help them out financially" and calling them mugus behind their backs, while these men are busy thinking they are being  "REAL MEN."

That is horrible - just nauseating - I don't even know what to say. God help the people in this situation. I could not be his wife.

@ MBJ

I do not in any way, shape or form act like an Ashawo

This is not a contract agreement - you cannot live for free - so you say this to me - do you not contribute financially to the welfare of your woman?  Are you kidding me?  And is it ti.t. for tat?

If it is ti.t. for tat - then he better put on sexy lingerie and start dancing, twirling his hips - cooking - cleaning - working a job - breastfeeding any child that we have - take time off work when the child is born and assisting as a childcare provider.

T.it. for Tat my azzz,  He better get his backside to the local university and pull down some educational degrees - eat my punni anytime I need a fix - smile and bow and kowtow to me in a SHARED LATERAL POSITION as head of house.

Now you can Equal Kobo that one - can you say - red, silky panties?  And please tell us - just how many do you own on behalf of the girlfriends we see posted on your profile?  Mr. Equality

all4naija:
@Shy-One

That's a defense based on what transpire of few relationships in the Nigerian case and that is not even a yard stick to measure this subject at hand. The man is been defined as stingy for not using his IQ to detect what the girl want, which is money for paying bills - Jeez! I can't imagine such a low thought from a girl who has no understanding of the relationship she is into.

Your comment is from a perspective of somebody who really loves you and care about you. On the other hand it is not a task to use a financial help to judge a man's capabilities. That being said, this habit of demanding for money is very prevalent with our girls - guys take note !.  Don't task me ladies - this is same girl that will quickly dive into bed with another guy if you are not watching. Most guys here have had the experience.

Oooo - I understand you clearly now.

I have miscalculated - oops - you are right - the way you described it - I do agree with you. Sorry everybody - lolololol - it is critical that areas presented are clearly understood - I misunderstood and saw it completely from another angle.

@ MBJ

Not on any level - when I say what I say - always know that I give as much and more than I receive.

What is amazing to me with this thread is that alot of men are saying that equating giving in a relationship is on an "girlfriend abusing a man level"

Which is baffling to me - who pays for everything and sees it as a normal way of life - so if I am paying - You can believe he is paying as well.  He sees it as normal because we are "Grown Ups" we are not children or resistant to taking care of each others needs.

This poster made it clear that she is working and in school - it doesn't sound like the guy is in school - what the heck is wrong with him chipping in to assist his gf without NL going stark raving mad and accusing her of being on an Ashewo level?

Craziest crap I have ever heard and if you Mr. MBJ are insinuating on any level that I am an Ashewo - I will crawl through the screen of my laptop on you.

Dayo:

Give me a break - you need help sometimes as well and you know it.

I make plenty of money but there are times I need my guy to step in for me.  I am not a broke asss. person.

You are taking this too far and you know you are taking it too far.  Michelle Obama made more money than Barak and carried his lesser making money self for a number of years before he became the main bread winner.

Why are you taking your examples to an extreme level in this instance?

Historically, women are known to make less than their male counterparts.  And I can promise you that those 6 figure earning women didn't always earn 6 figures - a man was somewhere in their video giving them money to get through med school, law school, pharmacists school.

I promise you that the majority of those women were NOT SELF MADE - a man in the form of their boyfriends footed alot of the bills for those women.

Stop kidding yourself and turning this thread against women - I love a man helping me - I love a man being a man.  Receiving help from your man ISN'T AND SHOULDN'T be equated as those you are using him or abusing him or tricking him.

Most men that help their women feel proud that they can assist in this fashion and assert themselves as leaders in their home.  Most women who receive help do give help in return in the form of money, and other things as well.

I am very disappointed in your backside, neanderthal style of responses here.  Have you not had the right girlfriend?  

And another thing to all of you men who are encouraging other men to visit Ashewo or however you spell it.

Be my guest - GO ON - Enjoy that loose, slack pucci that has seen much better days - years before you took your tools and triple and quadruple dip inside those worn out environs.

Now let's look at your company Christmas party, picnic, fundraisers, Christmas Celebrations - take that same Ashewo to that occasion and see the men who have touched that same worn out va-jay-jay and the women who pull back from the date you have invited to that gathering who is now, not only an embarrasment for your sorry backsides but now you have to go home later that evening to a vjayjay that is slack and worn out and the only thing she is good for is a decent BJ.

You will replace a girlfriend of quality, beauty, intellect, interest and marriage because you don't want to assist in a financial capacity?

Who really is actually fooling who at this point?

And guess what my man?  I also have my own job and provide for the majority of my own needs but when I need you to step in and handle some areas that need attention - it is your job to step in and do just that especially if it isn't going to overload or stress you out.

For you to imagine at any level and at any time that you shouldn't be stepping in on my behalf - it is at that time that the relationship should dissolve - because obviously you and I are going in two completely different directions and it is obvious that you don't have my best interests at heart.

@ Dayo

First of all - nobody is saying to trade puci for money - alot of the guys are taking it to that level.

If you are my man - your money better be coming my way or I move on - point blank period

Let's not fool ourselves here - if you are my man, you ARE NOT MY FRIEND who only receives a conversation and a smile - a thought for the day from my lips to his ears.

As my man - I have certain duties I will provide to you and as my man you have certain duties you provide to me.  It is that simple - you get more from me than a conversation and a smile.

What is hard for you to understand about that very simple and basic fact that shouldn't on any level escape either one of us.  That is difference between a male friend and a male who is your boyfriend, soon to be fiance, fiance, soon to be husband and husband.

My allowing you to lay claim to me in front of the world and all who are in it - just secured your position of my giving you my loyalty, my time, my talents - become yours on different levels.  In turn your presence in my life also becomes a joy and a benefit to me - part of your presence entails the wallet in your pocket.

Point, blank period.

all4naija:
In developed countries girls who love you will tell you I don't need your money but your love and tender care. When you try that to Nigerian girls they are going to turn you into their current accounts. Why are our girls so mentally slow in this area? Sorry for using that word! I didn't mean to hurt anybody feelings.

This is NOT COMPLETELY TRUE at all.

I think that in underdeveloped countries the NEEDS ARE MUCH GREATER - because it isn't just about recharge cards and BB's - its about water,electricity, food, healthcare, etc.  So the girls are taking care of their basic needs and want the cosmetic from the guys.

Whereas in developed countries all of the basics are met by the country's infrastructure custodians such as Commissions set up to take care of providing the basic needs and social service agencies that care for those needs for the poverty stricken residents who then can take their own money and buy their own cosmetics such as cell phones and recharge cards out of their own pockets and don't need their boyfriends to provide those items for them.

However - the same golddiggers are here in the U.S. and our golddiggers over here want more than your golddiggers over there - our golddiggers want designer clothes, designer purses, gold, diamonds, lump sums of money, homes, cars which cost wayyyyy more than recharge cards and BlackBerry phones.

Come on over here and you will see those women on every corner and even more so now that there is a recession and alot of them are out of work.  Don't be so quick to knock Nigerian women whose needs ARE FAR BELOW the needs of women in the U.S. who are quick to abuse the men over here as well but at the tune of much more money and then kick them to the curb and divorce them and take the money and run.  That is why alot of men go back home to get wives from over seas.

You need to start uplifting your women instead of putting them down.  I believe that overall the jobs in the U.S. pay more than the jobs in Nigeria so the men make less in that area unless they work for an oil company - so the men complain more because it is harder to bring larger salaries to afford the BB or the constant requests for money.  A vicious cycle it seems to be.

I weep for everyone caught up in the BS.

The crowd should have overpowered all of them - taken away their guns - mowed the lot down - dug some holes or started a bonfire and burned the lot of them up.

In the U.S. dirty cops or cops that don't do their job in a just and humane level risk being killed, beaten, stabbed, mutilated - if the justice department doesn't handle them after a while - THE PEOPLE HANDLE THEM.

There are more citizens than police - if Nigeria ever gets a leader that won't put up with the dirty legal system especially the law enforcement officers - the police should be cleaned from the ground up and the commanding officers should be removed immediately.

For instance the President should immediately remove those cops commanding officer - then charge the officers who killed those innocent mourners with MURDER - this should be made an example - it should be known that any officer that kills an unarmed civilian IMMEDIATELY LOSES THEIR JOB and their COMMANDING OFFICER IS REPLACED AS WELL.

It should start there - you will hear a whole lot less OF THESE TYPES OF INCIDENTS - if the people get petitions signed and march on the President in Abuja each and every single time and demand that laws are put into place to rid them of incompetent law officials you will see more change than not.

If the people are only going to cry about it and doing nothing about it - this will happen again, over and over and over again. As is the current case going on around them.

@ Seedord and Tosin:

Seed:

Stop trying to ruin his good looks with chemicals - didn't anyone learn from Michael Jackson's chemical mistakes?

Tosin - Don't you dare touch any chemical - Michael Jackson wasn't with a woman - he ruined his own skin - don't touch crap and ruin the beauty God gave to you.

I see your toothpick - I am not blind and I am just encouraging you to move more towards bottled water so your eyes are clear and clean.

I am sending over several gallons of water that will arrive in Lagos sometime in October so I can leave some for you to pick up if you need it.  I know you men drink more alcohol than us women.

I am just saying to focus in that area - I get my teeth whitened even though I brush all the time.

OK - I don't want to get banned so let's stay on topic.

emesv26:
U need to open up to him if really you need help from him,

I agree with this writer.

Tosin:

Start drinking bottled water - if you drink alcohol or smoke ganji - slow down - don't put much in your system unless it is healthy for your eyes and teeth - as much as possible keep the whites of your eyes and your teeth white.

Don't kill your liver - you are a beautiful black man.  You are very photogenic as well - take care of yourself - get bottled water and slow down on any alcohol drinks.  Prepare yourself for your future.

Your looks can sell BIG TIME - but only if your eyes are white and get your teeth cleaned to be pearly white as well - you can go places - start doing some Nollywood movies.

Isn't Orinklia involved in that area - start doing and being an extra in Nollywood movies - get your name out there while you still have your good looks.  Get busy man in the right areas!!  Start doing commercials, etc.

seedord247:
Shy one You fall my hand

You call this hand some. . . . some suffering from Pachoko.

Most of his pics was snap in Mr Biggs Toilet

I don't want to fall your hand - BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL OVER HERE - Tosin's skin looks like I can reach out and touch his face and it would feel like butter - it looks smooth and silky.  He could be an actor or a model - they would eat his fine chocolate self to pieces over here.

anyway let's get back to the thread - I didn't mean to derail - the photo was so good it caught me off guard and the words just snatched themselves out of my mouth.

That brother looks realllllll good.  And that's no lie.  If I post that photo on my FB - everyone would want to know his name and who he is.  And that's TRUTH

@ Tosinville

I love my man deeply so I am not trying to flirt with you at all.  But gosh you are a beautiful hunk of chocolate man - is that your photo?  It looked similar to the one I saw last year.

You are so chiseled and so handsome you could model - you should model Tosin - you would make a very, very good model - apply to model to NY's fashion agencies.

Elite
Eileen Ford

and some of the big names - you are gorgeous

again - I am not coming on to you at all so don't confuse what I say - I just am very articulate and I speak my mind.  You are fine.  The women in the U.S. would hunt you down.

Just saying.

seedord247:
Your Full Name is Tosin Samuel-GrandHustle Ayodele Jr.

www.nairaland.com/attachments/524170_1_jpgf3ccdd27d2000e3f9255a7e3e2c48800

wow - who is this?  he is handsome, very, very handsome

it looks a little bit like Tosin

Tosin is this you?  oooo la la

I have seen Tosinville photo - his original photo that he posted last year

He is not ugly on any level - he is very handsome and tall and brown skin - a beautiful man

please don't post a photo that is not his because we will know it is a fake

@ r231

That link - wooooowweeee - I love it - the music is BANGING TOO - I have always loved that song too.

The photos are just vibrant and beautiful.

Thank you for sharing.

MRbrownJAY:
i dont blame the narrow minded women who think that dating a man means that he should cater for all their financial needs. i dont even blame the women who think that loving someone means that you should do whatever THEY ask you to. i also dont blame the women who are quick to call any man "stingy" just because he was not willing to part with his hard earned cash (for whatever reason). . . . . . . . .
I BLAME THE BASTARDS who pretend to be who they are not and spend lavishly on these 25kobo biatches, who then get used to such treatment and therefore expect any future guy they date to pay for their company. I BLAME THE BASTARDS who are so desperate for coochie that they will unwillingly pay for fear of being se.x starved. I BLAME THE BASTARDS that cannot be honest with these goldigging skanks by telling them exactly what time it is!

ahahahahahahahahahahah - oooooo - goshhhhh - lololololololol

u are crazy - u caught me completely off guard with this one - you trickster - lolololololol - i thought you were on our side and then you snapped out in the second paragraph.

ahahahahahahahaha - oooooo - my side it hurts.

Frugal men ARE WONDERFUL

Just wonderful because when you have spent through your resources on household goods, etc. and for needs of the family.

If there is a problem with the refrigerator or water heater or car going out - your frugal man has saved in the thousands and can jump in and take care of big ticket items and pull the fear and worry and stress out of your world.

Men who spend money too much or faster than women spend it - I keep a large stick and huge space between me and them - I don't need or want anyone who spends faster than I spend in my life.

One of us needs to have a cool head and needs to be in control at all times.  So we aren't in the poor house.

r231:
oh yea

it was done in 9ja. . . .

the guys name is moses 08037229303, 08022278212, 07042112020

Thank you very much

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=757157.msg9131516#msg9131516 date=1315842992]The only way the guy wouldn't know if his girl doesn't need anything if they are living in separate housing and she is jobless.  

Don't like asking and have never asked are two different things.  You can ask someone indirectly or directly and if the person still do not get it then that an issue on both sides.  

You can tell whether someone is stingy or not by the way they conduct themselves and what they say about certain things.[/quote]You know Chima - you are right - you can tell if someone is stingy - I like to use the word "frugal" - but they mean the same thing in many instances - not all instances - but most instances.

I love a frugal man - as long as he isn't frugal "with me" - you can be frugal and teach me how to be "frugal" but with each other - when I ask for something - I expect you to "make it happen" - because It will be rare when I ask you for anything so the rare occasions that I need to hit your wallet - I expect and do need you to be available to me - I love money so I make my own and I make plenty of it - but many times I have invested in areas where I am not "liquid" and I need cash at those times - and if my man cannot assist me during those times - woe be unto him.

@ r231

You are correct - I agree with you. She must ask him or at least open her mouth and share what is going on with her with him so he can of his own volition offer if he is inclined to do so and not call him names.

On a side note - the wedding album that I keep looking at over and over again on your profile - did you have that professionally done in Nigeria? - How can shy-one get the information from you on who did this for you?

I love it very much.

Mr. Fork

I think Shy has to disagree with you.  Just to state very calmly and without foul language.  I think that you are mixing her up with being someone who is a "user and financial abuser of men."

This does not sound like what is going on here.

If you cannot during a friendship or dating relationship have "for better or worse."  How will you have for "better or worse." In a marriage?

If you cannot assist each other while boyfriend and girlfriend - and you run away now, or fear asking each now, or ridicule and slap each other around now during a request for assistance - "it matter not what be your lot, you need to separate"

If he meets me and I'm wealthy or he meets me and I am dirt poor - he is still meeting me and whatever time or condition is in my life - if he wants and needs to be part and parcel to who I am - then he helps me carry my load and I help him carry his load.

He needs to help her and then after he helps her - she needs to allow him to sit her down and focus on a "financial plan" that she can follow so she isn't in this situation again or frequently.  So poster really you shouldn't just ask for $$ - you should ask for $$ and assistance with managing what you have so you won't drain him - especially if he is and will be planning for the present and the future of the relationship itself - regardless to where you both are in the relationship.  Serious, semi-serious, just dating, etc.

^^^

In the event that they want my help - it is good that I at least know some of these things.

You know as a black woman - many times here in the U.S. - black women especially in the South (Where I was born) - they make you feel like you aren't a real female if you don't and cannot braid hair.  I have always been questioned and ridiculed throughout my life for as far back as I can remember that I am not "black enough" and it had me feeling so insecure for a long time but only the past several years have I been sure enough within myself to realize that "being able to braid hair or not braid hair" or being able to cook "Soul Food or not cook Soul Food" or being too light skinned or speaking "good English" - doesn't dictate my place or role in the "African American" community - By blacks - especially ignorant ones who base whether you can cook or clean or braid on being black enough - My blackness in the U.S. has always been questioned by many of my peers - especially in the Southern States.

Only moving north did the questions cease - when I entered College and started meeting and hanging with other ethnicities did the questions stop and cease.

Now to stay on topic - in relation to this thread - I am starting to get nervous all over again with my lack of knowing anything about Nigeria or about girls (there are only guys and men in my family) - I only have 2 nieces - the rest are 9 nephews - so I know very little about fixing hair outside of my own hair which isn't thick and as tightly curled as the very precious girls in Nigeria.

So since I don't yet know anything about Nigerian dishes - the least I can do is make myself useful helping the girls with their hair and assist with sharing my vast knowledge on fashion (American).  I have to be able to bring something to the table Andromeda don't you think?  I can't appear to be totally and completely incompetent.  They will scoff and laugh me off the premises.  When I accept him - I have accepted them as a package deal.

I have to prove my self worth.  The older girl will teach me how to cook their dishes and I can offer something to the video as well.

But what I will do is not be pushy and only provide my knowledge if they ask or insinuate/intimate that they want to know.  I am a woman and I don't want the older girl thinking in no way, shape or form that I am usurping her position or trying to take over or anything of that nature - I can finesse very, very well and I have very good skills of proper etiquette.

You are very wise - your wisdom I am leaning on in this situation(s) - I will listen to you.  Thank you.

I am going to cut and paste this entire thread into a file and review it many times before I depart.  We have to self-teach ourselves if we are genuine and sincere.  I don't plan on forgetting what everyone has said.

I walk my own talk as much as possible.

@ Poster

I know that asking can be embarrassing.

Shy-One had to ask her guy a few months ago - I have NEVER asked him for money NEVER but because I needed it VERY BADLY - I had overspent in an area that shorted me in another area and the area that I needed the money in regard would have damaged me in an area that had to do directly with both he and I.  SO I really need him to bail me out on this one because it would affect him and I just could not have him yelling at me up the road.

So there comes a time in every girl's/woman's life where you just have to put your pride to the side and "let the man be the man" let the man take care of the problem for you.

Ask him - if you are looking to settle with this guy and you are involved with him - he is working and you are working and in school as well there is only so much you can do and remain in school for yourself and for him too.

Just ask him - let him know you need him.

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=756871.msg9130639#msg9130639 date=1315835958]You are 100% correct on the first paragraph and that is what I tried to tell a few of my friends who have married or dating Africans not just Nigerians. I told them to learn the culture first and see if you are willing to adapt to it.  Older African men are set in their ways and most likely will expect the women to compromise just as you said.  

That's why I said she need to learn HIS culture if she is going to be with him.  If she is willing to compromise on a huge scale then she will be okay with him.  Its sound easy over the Internet and people can dream big online however when reality kick in its a hard pill to swallow because you are looking for that dream you guys painted together.  

Once she spend quality time with him in Nigeria she will see things that I would have shared with her but prefer she experience it first.  I suggest she take it easy and open her mind.  

She will be okay.[/quote]Chima - your words are sooo true in every single sentence you have typed above.

I hope everything will be alright - I pray you are. Have a great day C.

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=756871.msg9122658#msg9122658 date=1315715145]Make sure your family have the address and contact number of your guy in Nigeria and the hotel you are staying.  Make sure you contact the American Embassy once you step on the Nigerian soil and give them the entire contact information including family in America.  

In case of emergencies, they need to be able to contact you.[/quote]Thank you C - I have compiled a list of everything that you have suggested - I gave my family his contact information many moons ago and they have been Face book friends for some time now as well.  I am meeting with a Former Ambassador of Nigeria this week and will make sure the Embassy has my contact information.

Chima - you have turned out to be a huge wealth of information - I am leaning heavily on you at this time in this situation as you have walked this road before as an American and you can really see and feel my insecurities and fears regarding travel and especially travel to Africa from here.

I am so indebted to you.  Thank you.

andromida:
All i see in your posts are a lot of worries and fears about the future.

I want you to have this at the back of your mind- It seems to me from your posts that your Nigerian man is made and does not need your money, he is also into his forties. I very much doubt if he will be willing to relocate to the states seeing as he has kids here and family and is used to a certain way of life. In Nigeria when it comes to marriage most of the compromises is expected from the woman. She follows her man and i bet you at his age he is not looking for drama but support, companionship, love and care and someone who will fit into his life. Can you do this?

You talk about mouthaction and how much you love it, what if he is willing to do it only fourtimes in a year will you love him all thesame? is mouthaction so important to you that if he is a good man you will let go of him because he cannot give mouthaction are you willing to teach him, cajole him, until he is comfortable with it which may be a while if at all. Thesame way you are evaluating the rship is thesame way he is evaluating it and wondering if you will fit into his life If he is a made man as you say.

This is beautiful what you have written - you are very wise - it resonates deep inside of me that you speak much TRUTH.  You are completely correct.  I will do as you said and make sure that I keep it in the back of my mind at all times and practice it in my actions and in my deeds.

As far as mouthaction - I know - I know - I know - I will have to work through that as well - who he is as a person - I love more than I love the act of sex, itself.  But I pray I don't have to make that sacrifice.  But love itself carries us ALL through - so I will be given the strength to do what is right for the relationship as a whole.  He did tell me that he was willing to try.  So we shall see.

Just his willingness to extend himself in different manners and on different levels - has him scoring many, many points with me.  I too am going to really, really try as well. I have been studying Nigerian dishes, I have been studying pidgen English, I have been studying Yoruba phrases and words.

A real estate agent told me that wahala - means trouble - so "no wahala" means no trouble - so I just learned that as well.  I am studying fashion and styles for the girls that he has.  I am also focusing my efforts on "how to do hair that is short" - I could use some advice from any Nairalanders who have short hair.  One of the girls has very, very, very short hair - closely cropped to her head - so I am working now with trying to locate any females in my family that has that - so they can allow me to work with their hair - so that I can figure out how to adequately apply my skills with her hair as well.  I don't know anything about braiding at all and I think braids tear and break hair that is dry and vulnerable - it tears at tender hair that frames the face too.

So anyway Andromeda thank you for directing your thoughts at the different areas in which you gave - I deeply appreciate the thought you put into these strong suggestions - I will take heed.  Thank you.