₦airaland Forum

CyberG:
@Shy-One:

Looking at your posts, you missed something VERY IMPORTANT: you did not listen or seek advice from a male's point of view. Except you don't really care much for your chances of success, yes you can just go. But if you wish to make things work, even if he is bogged down with his kids and business, you need to consider male's point of view too and not look at it from almost an entirely women's point of view. I say it constantly: women don't really know men as much as they think they do. Well, goodluck.

Please give me your point of view - I am more than willing to listen and to learn - I need help and would be happy to hear what you have to say. I am constantly since birth to the day I leave this earth - I want to always work on improving myself.

^^^

Thank you Mz. D

Your words have brought big, salty tears to my eyes.  I miss him so much and I don't understand clearly this hold this guy has on me.  I cannot move from him.  When I am away from him even a few days - by my choice.  I miss him so much.

Well Lagos, here I come.

Thank you for your understanding.

On a side note - you really had quite on effect on 190.  In order for him to make those comments on NL - he is hurting on some level.  Mz. D - don't change who you are, your contributions to NL are invaluable - we need you.  I hope your Sunday has been good.

Exponental:
Lmao
Is it Exile, life imprisonment, death sentence, repentance to sanity, boko haram village, suicide bombing job or wat?
Where are u going to.

^^^^
I am with this guy - 190 where are you going? Is everything ok?

Just calm down

lolololol

You don't have aids - just first time jitters and now guilt - you are just fine

The HIV test - the absolute worst side to it is the BEFORE FEAR that every person on the planet experiences - go take the test - stop sleepiing with people the very first time you meet them

And relax yourself immediately - enjoy your weekend.

[quote author=190_@ link=topic=756871.msg9123216#msg9123216 date=1315728886]since mzdarkskin decided to continue fornica[i]tin[/i]g with her ex boyfriend - i changed for the worst [/quote]What? What are you talking about?

I thought you 2 were together still. I'm sorry - please forgive my words. I can see that you are hurting. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Thank Chima and Talina (I love your name)

I am furiously writing and taking notes

Chima this is wonderful

Please I beg you if you can remember or think of anything else - please don't forget to post it for me.

talina:
Good luck shy-one. I also wish you the best

Thank you so much - You, Mz. D and Chima and even a few of the guys have been wonderful and soo helpful - I was upset since yesterday. I feel that I will be much calmer once I get there and see him and am with him - It will be much different - maybe this is last minute (for the next few weeks) - nervousness and fear because it is coming much closer and much sooner.

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=756871.msg9122553#msg9122553 date=1315712712]Oh no! I am talking about bathing in SOS. No I did not sit in their water. Only shower. Its not safe to sit in their water because of parasites and things. You gon be taking a lot of baths because of the dirt and heat if you are not there during raining season.[/quote]oooo - bathing in SOS - got it - thank you - made me nervous because I heard the water is like that - I wonder do the homes have filters attached to filter the water - also I heard that before I eat the vegetables and fruit to clean them in a water that has a little bit of bleach if I use the water there and don't use bottled water to clean my food. I have been doing detailed research - very detailed.

MsDarkSkin:
UPDATE:

SIS, NEVER let anyone deter you from your goals or dreams! Follow your heart! If your heart says LAGOS, then lagos it is. Just PLEASE be careful sis. Make sure you have what my mom calls "Get vex money" in other words money in the event that there is a fall out and you need to return. I wish you ALL the best! If he is willing to compromise on s3x and the various issues in the relationship period it will work out.

I feel strongly that when I go to Lagos it will be good - better than even my wildest dreams and I dream in color. I feel like we will be very, very, very good together.

I will take "vex" money - I have already contacted several people in that area and they have been given a heads-up for me and are awaiting my arrival.

MsDarkSkin:
   

@shy,

hey sis. do you think the difference in location MAY if even a little bit, play a role in your questioning the future of the relationship?  i feel that his 'one-sidedness' and his what seems to be selfish ways is one thing but perhaps deep down with all of that being said the distance to you may now have a reason to reconsider dealing with his bull. i HAVE been there. I've dated L.D. in the past and came to the conclusion that nothing hurts a guy who has major flaws and is in a L.D.R than the distance itself. Not sure how to word this. lol

hmmm. . .My point is my putting up with a man who lives with me or in the same town who has ways about him that i do not care for is one thing but him having these flaws and being a whole continent away is another. Maybe that's the issue for you.

Dang this is why I love you soo much and I don't even know you. Of everyone you have completely NAILED IT. You and that girl with the name that starts with a T - she wrote on page one - I forget her name now at this moment.

Your first paragraph - I understood you clearly. I guess its the distance. And his flaws aren't flaws to him or to a woman who is OK with it. But to me - they are flaws and to him - I have flaws as well.

WE are just really different - really different and CULTURE is a major difference. But Mz. D - I love him even for his differences - I write this now and my heart hurts - I see his face and his glasses and his smile and want to fling myself at him because I love him so much. This continent thing - if he were here and I was there - I would be with him. But the sex thing - I can tell he is very good in that area - but the oral - he will have to give or no part of his body will enter my mouth. I don't give unless I get.

@ Chima

You said you bathed in it?

I am afraid to sit in the water because I don't want anything on me that could be in the water. I will shower.

But you are saying it is ok to sit in the water?

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=756871.msg9122237#msg9122237 date=1315704678]I bathed in SOS when I was over there.  Nigeria wasn't the only African countries I visited and Mosquitos in other countries were just as bad in Nigeria.  I suggest you spend time outside during the daytime and inside during the night fall.  If you must go out at night keep your arms and legs covered.  Buy a few sundresses if you don't have any and get a few shrugs to cover your upper arms and back. It is warm during the daytime and cool during the night fall. 

I was invited to a party almost every night when I was over there.  The circle I was in love to party and have fun.  They are younger though so you may not doing too much dancing seeing your guy is older and have children.  But ask him to take you dancing at least once or twice so you can see how he is with peers in a public setting. 

I am going to Nigeria for the holidays because my bolo (aunt) daughter is getting married and I am one of the Matron of Honor.     So I have stocked up on my skin protection and all.  I will be singing a song at the wedding as well.[/quote]I don't drink or party - but I will like to see the night life and see Nigerians interacting with each other and yes I want him to take me out. But until I see where this is going - I am going to limit our contact to more professional and less personal. I don't want to feel any more attached to him emotionally than I already am and I don't want to see him dancing and fall in love with him all over again and then be aware that the relationship just cannot go anywhere at all. Be of our differences. I need someone who I am comfortable with and who is very similiar to me - we have to evenly yoked - not in everything but there are some areas that I can't compromise - sex, is one of them, affection (openly) is another.

I will probably do a hotel the first few weeks and then get housing (temporary) - I can't see myself staying in a hotel for 6 months especially the costs of the hotels I see. The Excellence is where I will stay as it is in the area and it will be costly so I will stay there for a few weeks while I house hunt.

Chima thank you so much for the heads up and advice you are giving to me.

If you have an email - send an email to my address that is listed on NL and I will send you a phone number so we can talk or even get together while you are in Nigeria. I will still be there when you come over from the states.

I know - his attention will be divided and it has been since we met with the children, me and the business.

The business takes all of his time all of the time. Even sometimes on the weekend - as does mine as well.

Also that Skin So Soft is excellent for mosquitoes

Chima when you visited Africa - did you use it there?

I already ordered it last month - and I was hoping the African mosquitoes are allergic to it like the U.S. mosquitoes.

I also have some rubbing alcohol and some powder boric acid ready for the African roaches I hear about too.

Let's hope they aren't immune to U.S. products

@ Chima

I saw your add

IF he is a "simple Nigerian man" that sex,  isn't important for him to extend to ME:

We won't marry.

He loves oral - receiving it
He has never given oral to anyone and he asked me how important this is to me

To put it mildly my deceased husband would have won a Guiness Book of World Record Prize for giving the best MouthAction,  Which means that this is what I am used to RECEIVING anytime of the day or night.

I will see just how selfish he is if he receives it from me and DOESN'T GIVE IT TO ME.

I will see and that will be the first and last time we get down together.

Sex,  is definitely important to him.  I have only met ONE MAN in my life who didn't like oral (receiving it or giving it)

Most men if they don't give oral - still want to receive oral.

I refuse to participate with someone who is one sided at ANYTHING at all.

So I am really studying him for signs in that area as well as in other areas.  I will be his friend first before I give myself carte blanche - I need to receive as well as I give.

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=756871.msg9122042#msg9122042 date=1315700820]Self conceit is self entitlement and it can go either way a good thing or a bad thing.  However the first step spend time with him physically and go from there.  

Hold the marriage talk until you guys resolve the differences/issues because as you stated the guy doesn't believe in divorce.  You don't want to go into a marriage thinking you will be divorce (not saying that's what you are thinking) anytime divorce enter the mind or conversation soon it becomes a realization.  

Children doesn't stop romance but his children were before you so therefore you will have to think would you accept being second fiddle and lose some of the potential romance or be with someone that will give all that you think you are entitled to?

Generally speaking, anyone that get into a relationship with someone that is culturally different must take in consideration of issues that may arise and how are you planning on dealing with them collectively.[/quote]Chima - I don't know about everything you have written.

The children speak to me and are wonderful - sweet, so very sweet.  Precious ones and they already call me mum.  We will love each other.

The culture - I am afraid actually - I just don't know how this will work

He and I have both been married before - and so we are both used to a certain type of interaction and we will subconsciously compare each other to our previous mates.  THAT IS NATURAL and can't be undone - but we have opened our selves up to being with a new mate in the form of each other.

I can make compromises - I CAN TAKE A MILLION HITS FOR THE TEAM - I can, I have and I will.

But I also am hearing and reading so much about Nigerian men - the Nigerian Fight for Public Services that affect the romance of the Nigerian male.

If I can suck his d1ck in the dark, he can eat my punni in the light - THAT STATEMENT MEANS THIS TO ME - I am making all sorts of sacrifices to date this Nigerian man and in turn giving me his energy even when he is tired, being romantic instead of grabbing remote controls to the tv, giving me his emotions instead of holding back - that is eating my punni - especially since we aren't in physical proximity to each other yet.  We can sex,  each other in different ways.

Then just the fact that less than 2 years into the relationship I have to tell him this or even mention it - is a huge slap to my pride and to my face.  Part of being a man and part of being a woman is to know these things.

I will do EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID - be friends, stop talking marriage to him or dating or anything - focus on the business(s) when I arrive in Lagos and wait and observe the moves he makes - I will not be staying with him in his home while I am there - so I will be able to see him from enough of a distance to see if he ups the ante in the romance department.

If he doesn't - I will just make the money I went there to make and return from my travels with a new perspective - free to actually start dating for the first time in years - which is and will be fun in itself.

tellwisdom:
Shy-one Im sure someone must have been singing blues into your ears in the u.s

Yes - many people are shooting this down

But - it's too late - I fell in love so I am going to Lagos - it still doesn't affect the fact that he is and has been pulling back for whatever reasons - tired, children, etc. I need him as engaging as he was when we met or at least very close to that level.

omega25red:
hey people get tired as shyt and need sleep and the time difference wont help either

we both lived in ny and i knew from jump that she wanted to get her phd which meant she would be going back to school in another state for about 3 years. she was lucky to get admitted to a school in the dc area which was fine at first but after the first year 0_o i was ready to give up but i loved her deeply so what i did was to compromise and move to the dc area seeing as she had no choice but to be in school. Also i needed a change bad because ny was starting to get on my last nerve so the move was easy we got a place together and we are still writing our story

DC - is wonderful - I was there 4 weeks ago - so you moved to DC? I am proud of you - Chocolate City and the home of the Capital of this Country

I need him and love him and will move to Lagos for while.

God - please help me in that land.

@ obo

I just reread what you wrote

He has more money than me - I called him for a loan 2 months ago which he processed on my behalf. My little American money is very small compared to his.

@ Chima

You are right - I will learn about his culture and stay in Nigeria for a while

omega25red:
so what happened to his wife?

She died as did my husband

obowunmi:
I suspect Shy-One is a fat woman, who sends money to her boyfriend in Nigeria but he uses that money to fend for his children. I won't be surprised of this man is married. Shy-One you are living in la-la land. Wish you the best. Don't wait too long sha and enjoy the Americana oko a bit. Go to the gym and shed a little weight.

I wish you were right - I need some fat - but romance means more to me than food - I need to put on some weight - when I am unhappy or stressed or nervous, I cannot eat

I love the gym - all I do is gym - it helps keep my mind sharp - but A MAJOR SIDE EFFECT is you want sex, all the time - I struggle to keep my mind off of sex, He is not here for me to exhaust myself.

davidylan:
how old are you? Is this how you  intend to start your own young life? No wonder the dude has no time for romance . . . he has kids to worry about! You're not the number 1 priority in his life and you will never be so forget all that moaning about no romance.

I am in my 30s - he is in his 40s

His children - I love them - we will spend time with them together - that isn't an issue at all they are adorable, active and the home environment is very welcoming - I cannot wait to see them or meet them physically

we have spoken several times on the phone to each other and celebrated birthdays and christmas

I will give my attention to the children as well

Children DON'T STOP ROMANCE - ask your parents

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=756871.msg9121961#msg9121961 date=1315699384]Shyone

I have read what you have said and I am sensing that you feel self entitled.  You have used too many adjectives to describe yourself and then end it with distaste how dare he fall asleep and not speak to you in a way that you feel that you are entitled to.  

You can't change a man under no circumstance.  He is Nigerian first of all so the culture is completely different.  Flowers to me is not a big deal because it is a material thing that doesn't show how much he care or love you.  

A man's show his love by actions and what he does after the talk.  If you want that long hour talk and flowers then you really need to spend time with him physically before even discussing marriage.  

Take the time to get to know him and six months down the line after being with him physically then make your decision.  The self entitlement will destroy your marriage before it even begin.  Compromise with him and learn about his culture before skipping down the aisle on the beach or the Registry.  

Communication isn't the only key in successful relationship but learning each other cultures, traditions, and beliefs is also imperative.  

According to you, he said "Americans" after you mentioned the flowers.  He is basically saying you are materialistic, spoiled, and self conceited.  That's what MOST people from the East think of the people from the West.[/quote]Chima:

95% of what you wrote COMPLETELY APPLIES HERE and to you I am grateful - because you ARE RIGHT

You better believe I feel entitled - WE ALL SHOULD - because entitlement is EARNED

But he already knows and we have proven to each other that neither one of us is Selfish.

He is spoiled and I am spoiled to a certain extent and in different ways. Self conceit - neither of us buy into. We are not full of ourselves. We just are ourselves.

I need to go and spend time in Lagos before we marry - be there physically at least 6 months.

davidylan:
Aww sorry ma'am.

3 yrs?

Yes 3 years and counting - GOD KNOWS I DO NOT LIE

davidylan:
all this that you want is impossible in a long distance relationship. Unless you want him to be spider-man.

I love spider man
There is nothing wrong with being spider man
Have you seen that guy hang upside down and swing from building to building?
That's my kind of guy

davidylan:
please wake up, you dont live in utopia.
Get married on the beach . . . for what? Because celebs do so?

So when you leave this guy you think the next one is going to be your romeo? americans sef.

Noooo, I love the beach - the ocean - the sun - the sand - it's beautiful - the sunset, the sunrise

Go to the beach and watch a sunrise or build a fire on the beach during a sunset and fireworks - the reflections that bounce off that ocean are beautiful

I want to have a floor built on the beach with big flowers everywhere and crystal glasses and big chinese lanterns and music and people and food so romantic

I don't jump from man to man - my husband died in 2009 - I haven't had sex, since 2008 (he got ill in 2008)

It is 2011 - and I am still restraining myself - because I hope to tear his limbs apart when I get to Lagos

But - now I am not going to do that - because I don' t want to sex, someone that I don't marry - and until I know that we will actually marry - I need to make sure he is "the one" and that we are "right" for each other first.

talina:
Maybe,shy-one, you just have to go see him, be with him, see how it goes ,  and then you will know for sure. You dont want to regret not trying.  

I think you are right - but I am afraid too that it won't be genuine and what Omega said will be true in the end that I will return to the U.S. and it will after a few months go back to being what it is - what he is (this routine person who devalues and/or isn't aware of what turns me on - on a romantic level)

Dinners out at restaurants
flowers
soft music
wild sex,
routine sex,
dirty talk
constant I love yous
greeting cards "just because"
date night

what if he isn't into this?

I even thought that I should live in Lagos for a while so I can see if he can sustain a "romantic agenda" for a length of time  - I don't want to get over there for only a month or two and then we wind of marrying (because I will do it) and then return to the states and because of distance or disagreement or long work days - it goes back to just routine crap every single day

And then I will be thinking I have made a huge mistake - I am not trying to involve myself in a loveless marriage and then being obligated to remain in one.  He made it clear to me that THERE IS NO DIVORCE and that Americans all they do is divorce all the time.

I don't want to fall into thinking about getting a divorce because I married someone that I knew very little about even AFTER THE VISIT

I want to know who he is before we ever marry

And I feel that I should visit and then stay for a while in the area - We are also doing projects (work projects) together as well and have been doing these projects for almost a year together.

omega25red:
malaria is serious so dont complain about the shots and seriously i hope you are not trying to get married at bar beach  
so if you marry the dude then what? are you moving to Nigeria or is he coming out here?
where will you two live?
will he have a job?
how do your folks feel about him?


too many questions

I don't know what bar beach is at all - what is that?

Ok - he has a HUGE family in Lagos and he has children in school - he has one child getting ready to graduate from school I think they call it secondary (which is similar to our High Schools here in the U.S.)

I have a HUGE family in the U.S. as well

We will have a home in Lagos and a home in the U.S. - That is what we will do

He has a business (thriving) and I do too - that is what we will do

Basically I am the Mercy Johnson of my family - that is my position in my family here in the U.S. - they will go along with whatever I want - they will welcome him with open arms  - him, his children and his entire family.

They are content with whatever and whoever I choose - AND THAT IS COMPLETE TRUTH

We will continue in our businesses after we marry - we are our own employers

omega25red:
well to a certain extent you are wrong because you know the hardships that causes his behavior as you mentioned time differences traffic etc. you can put energy all you want but Nigeria will still be Nigeria and the u.s will be the u.s. going over there to pacify your relationship probably will not work because I'm sure within a month or two of you being back the same old feelings will be back. i say all this to say if you want to make this work you will have to be really strong and be willing to expend that energy or else cut your loses and start fresh

long distance relationships are not easy imagine my situation almost ended too and our distance was only btwn ny and dc

I forgot to tell you - he actually fell asleep on the phone while I was talking to him - he was asleep - completely asleep - in the middle of my sentence he fell asleep - do you know how that made Shy-One feel?  I hung up and he called the next day embarrassed and very apologetic - I kept calling his name over the phone and he was out for the count -unconscious.

Please tell me about your long distance relationship - what did you do to prevent it from ending.  Please help me.

omega25red:
well to a certain extent you are wrong because you know the hardships that causes his behavior as you mentioned time differences traffic etc. you can put energy all you want but Nigeria will still be Nigeria and the u.s will be the u.s. going over there to pacify your relationship probably will not work because I'm sure within a month or two of you being back the same old feelings will be back. i say all this to say if you want to make this work you will have to be really strong and be willing to expend that energy or else cut your loses and start fresh

long distance relationships are not easy imagine my situation almost ended too and our distance was only btwn ny and dc

I know that you are right - that is why I have for the past 4-5 months overlooked his ever increasing "fewer and fewer calls that dictated only certain times of day to talk as well as instead of 2-3 hours on the phone or on Skype during both of our work hours and later in the day - it has now dwindled to only in the evenings and then dwindled to 20 minutes here and 20 minutes there"

Though he is not wanting to end our personal relationship.

But I cannot exist in a personal relationship that has dwindled to this level - I am sill a young, vibrant, attractive, very high-sex drive woman who needs attention.  I don't want to see a relationship or a marriage as one in which I am having to make constant sacrifices of romance.

I will sacrifice money, my time, my everything - but when it comes to Romance - THE FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE HAS TO ROAR AND WANE VERY STRONG AT ALL TIMES.

talina:
@ shy-one
From what you said, it sounds like you have answered your own question and then doubted it. What speaks the loudest is your "Gut" feeling. It is always right so try to feel/hear it.  Only you know what you need. Each person expresses their love differently, and his way may be different than yours and you must be compatable in that way. But I must say, the most intense and loving relationship I was in was with a Nigerian man who was NOT a romantic. Romance didnt matter. So go figure the dynamics of love.

I love this what you wrote - you are right - he does express his love differently and in the beginning for a very long time - the way he expressed it was so inspiring and beautiful to me - I was and am still deeply touched

But now he is so tired all the time and when he has energy - he gives it to his Soccer Game Watching and other areas.

do you people know that I have to let the doctor shoot me up 10 times with medicine to prevent

Malaria
Hepatitis A
Hepatitis B
Yellow Fever

and a whole list of other crap that I cannot even remember just to Visit Nigeria?  do you know that?  

I do not take medicine - but I am going to be one pill swallowing heifer to cross an ocean of water to visit this man?  Then the hotels are astronomical in price - it is horrible

For me to step off the plane into a country that I have never in my life seen or really paid any attention to - before I met this man - this country which has water problems and electricity problems - but I am swallowing all of my thoughts and still taking shots and getting on a place FOR US and his idea of romance and my idea of romance look to be MILES APART

I mention flowers and he laughs and says "Americans"

I mention let's get married on the beach in Lagos "He screams NO - NEVER" - We are to marry at the Registry at the Court

I want to be barefoot on the beach in a long gown with my hair loose blowing in the wind holding flowers with violins playing.

He wants his pastor at the Registry at the Court - I said bring your pastor to the beach - he screams My pastor won't go to the beach.

Gosh is Shy-One fooling herself here?  Maybe strangerF is right after all - maybe this just isn't going to work.

@ Omega

yes there is an ocean between us of "water"

now there is an ocean between us of "styles of interacting"

the Naija long, long hours in traffic, his work hours keep our interacting now at a minimum - when we talk on the phone or on Skype - it is an hour or less and now it isn't even everyday

because he is tired most times

and it is critical to me that he "pull together" whatever energy he can muster and expend that energy on me

because I give him my all and my all - I feel that now I am the only one in the relationship

I just got my passport last week and will have the Nigerian visa in about 10 days or less - I will land in Naija sometime in October - If we are now going to have some problems seeing eye to eye over an ocean of water

Up close and personal - at the end of the day - he is still the same person whether I sit in his lap in his presence or speak to him long distance

that is what i am thinking

am I wrong?  please tell me - because I am willing to take the blame to lay myself down and look at myself so I can work on improving in any area that I need to improve to make this work

@ Omega

I would never dishonor him or myself with any guys that come my way - and yes there are many that come my way - but God watches me and my actions at all time - I deeply believe that what you do in the dark you reap in the light

ogugua88:
I'm not okay with that happening at all. My advice to you is to end it as you're being hopelessly optimistic. I've seen this kind of thing before. Just remain friends.

I think that you are right.  He is such a great guy but I die on the inside without having romance in my life.  And it doesn't even have to be extreme to the point of every single day acts of love - like him cooking or cleaning or candlelit dinners everyday - I don't need that from him everyday.

But the things he used to do - he doesn't do anymore - and we have been together for a year and a half and I'm sorry - but I have to have in him what he presented to me when we met.

I don't want to be a couple and together with someone 5 or 19 or 40 years up the road and he will be snoring in a chair with a remote in his hands and then you see me and my hands are leathery from housework and all I am doing is waiting on him hand and foot and he can barely look my way except when its time to serve him his dinner or run his bath, etc.

If I am your "Janet Jackson or your Beyonce" when we met - I need you to retain that way of looking at me years up the road.  If it is starting to die down less than 2 years into the relationship - for me to even want to revive it makes little sense to me.

I am not looking for a minute man - as a man and a woman - when you start things you should sustain them - but I my heart loves him so.  But my head is telling me to start re-evaluating.

[quote author=190_@ link=topic=756871.msg9121686#msg9121686 date=1315694916][size=18pt]
- IS THIS WAT I THINK IT IS

NOTICE IM WRITING IN GREEEN   [/size][/quote]Little man - I will stomp a hole in your green azz,

Kill it with the "green card shitzzzz" - he is not trying to be in AMERICA - you numbnutzz

I need your advice 190 - not your immigrant bullshitzzz thoughts - please where is the 190 who writes intelligently and with great perspective - where did he go?