₦airaland Forum

Some do. It is exactly the reason why they have that law. It doesn't discriminate if the other partner is also abused (I don't know if that is a good thing or not).

pocohantas:
That is the right thing to do. After all, they wouldn't ignore if it were their own child.

Some states in the US prosecute the other parent/adult in the home.

pocohantas:
They claimed that one would be like sending your mama message. They intentionally go for these kids to exploit them. Some are only nice enough to treat them fairly.

Where is Ajimobi today?

@dauddy97

Visit to a teaching hospital

Exactly, people should do what works for them and men should not act like assholes because they would prefer their wives to stay home.

healthserve:
True. That's the worrying part. Too many possibilities. For example. If the next child requires an operation, or there's multiple needs that are equally important, can they be managed without issues? Asides financial aspect, there are too many possibilities.. Marriage is between a man and a woman. God help them. In the end, it's up to every couple to decide on a template for their marriage.


If I were a woman and a man tells me such. I'll start placing demands straight up. Seen a Zenith bank woman the hubby told to stay at home, immediately she asked for 500k monthly salary. Hubby paid. She resigned to watching TV at home. If there's flex money, then no yawa

The husband knows the kind of parents she has. It is the reason he has their support.

midnighter:
I think it's clear that they're not going to help which is why she needs to be realistic about her situation to give herself the best chance of getting what she wants without the whole thing exploding into something else.

If the parents and siblings had called a meeting I'm sure this thing could have been different.

She needs to handle it carefully because when some husbands realise that their wife doesn't have support they use it to start oppressing her.

It's not all parents who are bothered about their children's welfare

I understand. My point was he could have lied about his motives, he could have forced her to give up her job for the home or he could have simply not kept to the end of his deal.

There are many possibilities. There are more examples of this situation ending badly than what not. Women who work still go through a lot of hell from some husbands because they earn more or earn less, how much a woman that does not work at all?

It is not to say the idea of a stay at home parent is bad. It is actually good for the family and it does not mean the family would suffer if the woman decides to follow her path. It is all about sacrifices for one another, that sacrifice can come from any party and I expect it to be reasonable.

Having no source of income is a lot of burden for any gender adult. It is worse if it is forced on an unwilling woman. The least anyone would pray for is a frustrated, depressed and unfulfilled partner and mother.

healthserve:
He appeased her for the sake of the home. Pays her salary. But didn't tell/instruct her forcefully to stop working so he could be the only source of financial flow. The mindset lies the motive and the nitty gritty of everything. It's more about selfish power play here than for the kids welfare. Also Mr. Fairs example with due respect to his family is one in a gazillion. Being subdued many times intoxicated the we older of financial resources to control and abuse that control. The delicate mess of where she is in the event of emergencies, future concerns, sudden job loss is a cause for concern. If the motive were pure, and they had mutual goals not one person kicking the barrel at the other, then staying at home could be part of a mutual bigger plan rather than a projected order

That is true. Still, Mr Fair could have lied to his wife or force her to give up her job.

healthserve:
Not just suggesting to his wife. But most importantly his motive. Motive is what truly matters. Mr. Fairs motive and this one are worlds apart

There are many people like your wife who have a family and a job, their job! The gooddamn good reason is for them to decide not you!!! Would you in all sincerity be out a job for the same reason? Sacrifices can be made and it may or may not involve being a stay at home mum especially for a woman who is totally against the idea and whose husband never broached the topic with before marriage.

It is highly insensitive, unfair and dehumanising to force another to give up her career. You suggested it to your wife and she agreed with you. The decision not to go out to make money must be with her consent.

Submission does not explain why a full grown adult would be forced not to work. It hasn't helped many women who followed your wife's footsteps. Soon, you will also tell us how submission is not another form of slavery. Slaves don't get to choose a life, they submit to their master. Everything is all about your will, the understanding and submission are always from the women. Can we not make it like our fathers made one huge sacrifice that our mothers didn't make ten times over?

fairfora:
Yes...GODDAMN GOOD REASON you said, which is FAMILY. The decision is the reason we're this successful today both in marriage and in business. My wife is very popular in her line of business and a successful major distributor in Nigeria.I dont want to mention her name here. She's very popular. I'd always be grateful to God for her. Marriage is a sensitive journey...our parents endured it with understanding from both sides. There's no magic about keeping once marriage..It takes understanding and submission.

That is why I said her parents are wicked. I am surprised she doesn't have siblings that can call out their BS. If they have any iota of respect for their child, they would settle this issue amicably without making their child feel sad and alone

midnighter:
Whether we like or agree with it or not, that's what the man thinks. That's what plenty of men think, unfortunately.

The guy is just something else.

I still can't believe her parents have nothing to say about it but maybe they're just brushing her off because they don't want her to get any ideas about packing out back to their house.

Fairfora, it is in his place to suggest it but it is not his right to command her not to work. If she doesn't want to give up her job or she feels the reasons aren't fair enough, a reasonable man would respect that and they could try and work around it.

I am sorry, nobody in her right mind will take your word for it. That is your story, family and your wife was very willing. However, it is a very risky choice to make for a woman, who cares about herself and her children. In fact, no one should have to give up their financial means without a goddamn good reason and their consent.

fairfora:
My advice...I once told my wife same. In fact, I asked her to resign from her job as manager in an FMCG company which she accepted, though after much persuasion. Our daughter was barely 2 years old and she was always asleep by the time we got to the nanny who used to take care of her. The nanny would go pick her up after school and take care of her until our arrival from work, during which my lovely daughter would have been deeply asleep.

One day, the nanny said to us that her husband wasn't feeling comfortable anymore the way we kept our daughter under her care. She said we were always coming back from work late.

I had to sit my wife down and persuaded her to quit her job. I told her I'd be giving her allowance at the end of the month, like 15k as of 2008 which she accepted. She was a full-time housewife for 9 years. When the last born of our 3 kids was age 4, I called her and said, dear now is time to start doing some business, if you're interested in one, pls let me know. She eventually opted into one, in which she's doing very well now. I always empower her financially and she's a leader in that line of business where her shop is located on the lagos mainland. I made sure no maid was employed, though not easy but she accepted, for the sake of our children. Now our kids are all grown up with 2 of them already in boarding school whilst the last born would soon join them.

Marriage entails alot of sacrifices and understanding. For you to really enjoy your home, you have to be submissive to your husband afer all, its for the good of both of you. The aspect I don't seem to like in your explanation was his thinking that you'd not be submissive, should you get employed. That doesn't apply in all cases. A good woman builds her home. For the sake of your home and children, try and reason with him. You may be surprised he would be the one to encourage you to work later.

So because she is not submissive, she should be not be allowed to earn an income.

He could as well flog her like his child to remove that unsubmissive spirit.

This is the first madness. Their child is just two. If someone can make this kinda of demoralising decision over another adult. She should sit tight, she is in for a very long ride.

May God not give us wicked parents!

midnighter:
I'm not sure of your reasoning.

We know that it's her right and we know that he was wrong to break the agreement. I'm sure even he knows that.

BUT since he is refusing on the basis of submissiveness then the next thing is to prove him wrong, by being submissive.

She has been fighting and struggling and it's making it worse plus her family is not even supporting her. From her replies here we can see that she's not ready to compromise or consider anything else. That doesn't sound like submissiveness to me.

This is not about quoting rights but about achieving her aim, which is why I suggested that she changes her approach.

He seems to be unhappy with her actual behaviour eg the way she treats their child. Is it not better to try to alter some of the attitudes that he doesn't like so that he will be more willing to listen to her request?

The guy is willing to go even further than this until he totally messes her up, with her parents consent. The parents consent is even the crazy part that is taking the wind out of her sails.

He's the one who caused the issue but she's the one who is suffering it so I suggest that she uses her smarts to get what she wants instead of trying to drag with him when he is clearly not interested.

Or, to use an adage that I learned on here, "stoop to conquer".

To me, if she were actually serious about working she would leave the human rights talk and appeal to his sympathy by working on his psyche.

He clearly doesn't care about her "rights" right now! So she should take another avenue and get him to feel like he's the one helping her and not that she deserves it

Was he blind when he decided to marry an educated woman? Did he broach the subject with her before making that unilateral decision over someone else's life?

She is compelling because it is her damn life. SHE chose to go to school, get a job and if being a housewife was in the plan, it won't be such a problem.

What is wrong with you people?

Desric:
You see why I said its all about conception and playing safe? After all, it's about ego. They should just find a way to massage one another's ego and be fine, from the woman's tone, she's sounding she's compelling the man, telling him that she's educated and cannot afford to waste all that or be idle instead of appealing to her husband to allow her work so as to assist him in taking care of the financial needs of their young family.

Her way of presentation might just be the wahala here. I know what I'm talking about, my own wife is a civil servant by the way.

This is very unfortunate. I feel for the pastor.

.

So you think Iya Risi who sells N100 pepper is not going to have sex with Baba Bola, the carpenter who lives two streets down if she wants to?

Casemiro:
nice suggestions there..




You can keep saying insecure all you want, but Everyman to his own..


some men want women working in big organizations and offices, while some prefer them stay at home..



Stories flying up and down especially on Nairaland are enough to make such men not change their mind.



from colleague colleague,

they start something funny.

Before you know one thing has happened and the do done.



It's not insecurity on the part of such men,

they just don't want their wives to always be in an occasion of sin, where there would be much pressure..





no need trying to sound politically correct, we know what really happens inside life..



once again thanks for your suggestions.

No third party interference does not include domestic abuse. Na so e dey start.

emeijeh:
Your wife went too far for calling her people (after your very first slap)
What happened to the "no third party interference" sermon on your wedding day?

But Op, are you sure you have not hit or beaten her before that day?

Just keep apologizing.
She has to come back.

I will stop living in lalaland and go get a job

She is not that old

DanDeeBoss:
Hehehe, Wonderful

If you could read and understand, you would have read the part everyone blamed their mothers' emotions for everything. I guess their mothers are always on their period. I blame their mothers. If they had handled their issues with the fathers differently, they won't here tagging them emotional wrecks.

Any parent who cares about his/her children would explore all options to be part of their children lives.

Nashoji:
people like you are the problem we have in this country. You justify one bad character when it suits you and you make case for another bad character when it doesn't go your way. You want him now to ask his mom the reason why she behaves badly towards the dad in other to justify what ever thing she was putting up to the day but you are at the same time saying the OPs dad doesn't have any reason to justify what he did. Who knows if the mom shuts the father out completely just to prove a point, who knows if the father tried several times to reach out to the children but the mom swore never to see that happen. See eh, you are a child today, you will also become a parent tomorrow, then you will understand how all these things works. Hope your husband don't manipulate your children in believing everything he says thereby abandoning you sha.

Yup and she is on WhatsApp too

vincentjk:
Lol does your grandma own a phone?

My Grandma or myself

vincentjk:
Sterope who'd you call?

Some obsession!

Why are you waiting at a certain age? You should marry her off immediately she is born.

Gbogbo yin ma wa alright.

He is already questioning his mum's story. He hasn't told us whether he has affirmed her story before undermining it.

NoToPile:
Its a valid concern that's just the truth and its because of situations like this, its not right but lots of women would endure all what not just for him to do his rights as a father, some even die in the process. Some are smart enough to take a decision and flee.


In this case some are already stating it was just for few years he was absent what a lot dont understand is that the mum was both mother and father during those years , during those times he failed as a dad and thats it.

My grouse is the OP saying he didnt get to hear his fathers side of the story for leaving them for those years, thats not fair. Theres no excuse for that abeg.

Let him reconcile if he wants to he should leave his mum's suffering out of it.

It is already a generational problem.

There are many fathers and mothers that abandon their children. Some seek for forgiveness and others merely act entitled.

Sooner or later, no one would care about being a parent.

Sunsets:
You are dead wrong. The young man wants to fix what would become a generational problem and all you see is this. I think you need to fix yourself. You need healing before you can advise someone.

Single motherhood is not a reason to drag your children into the mental turmoil you suffer because your once true love and father of your children turned into something else. Many mothers do this and it is unfair on the children.

There is nothing wrong in single motherhood if it is the best option for the wife and in extension, her children. A mother/parent should always seek the best for herself and her children no matter what might happen in future between the children and the father.

Graxie:
This is why I hate single motherhood, I can never raise up kids by myself alone except due to widowhood. God will not even allow me to be one. Every single mother should read this thread and wake up, you will raise this kids alone and they will go in search of their father. Some will even claim you manipulated them. Wake up and seek for child support from sperm donor, even if it means going public. Don't waste your life for nothing. Better still, go and drop those kids for your sperm donor family. Be wise.

Do you know that most women also voice this concern when you ask them to leave abusive men/toxic relationship?

They will tell you they cannot train their child alone only for their father to enjoy the benefits. The reason doesn't hold water where lives and emotional well-being are at stake but still taking care of child is not an easy task even for two people.

NoToPile:
Loool, so the moral is never ever train your child alone as a woman, las las the they would say they didn't listen to their father's point of view for abandoning them at some point in their lives.





A father has no excuse for abandoning his children even if he hs issues with their mum.


Op you can reconcile with your dad, but dont EVER try to water down the sufferings of your mum.


From the comments this thread going the lane of another operation blame the woman thread.

Inasmuch this could be true. It doesn't remove from the fact that some parents are cruel to their partners and their children. What on earth could his mum have done to have made his father absent from his life, both financially and emotionally? What stopped him from reaching out when he was in the University?

You were eight in number. Have you wondered if your dad is one of those men that pressured their wives into shunning family planning? Perhaps, when your dad had money, he behaved badly. Have you asked your mum that question? However, I don't agree with her making the house a living hell in your presence but have you asked her why she acted the way she did?

chriskosherbal:
Easier Said than done, op first of all I want to use this medium to say you are a man, for trying to make peace with your Dad, there is a particular blessing that biological father's carry that NO man on earth no matter how highly placed in any field can give to you..Am quoting you because you are still trying to condemn and Judge his Dad, the OP said we never listened to his own side of the story cos men just know how to suck in emotions.

Being the last male in the family I stayed with family for a longtime before I left, and I must say mother's are wonderful but can choke a man to death sometimes if that man lack emotional shockabsolver when things start to fall apart especially finance, Seeing my mum cry complaining to me sometimes you will think Dad is just heartless until I grew to understand that mum most times just want things to go her way always forgetting Dad feelings, and the fact he still the head of the home, irrespective of finance and mum sometimes couldn't just be submissive.

You see when you grow older in life you will definitely love your mum but tend to appreciate your Dad's effort so far in trying to raise a family ( we were 8 in number, even though we lost 2), providing for everyone's need, food, academics, name it, and coping with mums constant nagging sometimes can be really frustrating and unbearable, you will see it practically clear when you start to have kids..

It takes God and a man that is determine to keep his family together irrespective of trials/temptation to still keep going, sincerely I love my mum no doubt but my RESPECT for my Dad have skyrocked when I came face to face with real life ...I love you DAD.

How is it contradictory?

You can forgive, let yourself heal and still not have a relationship. The forgiveness is not for them, it is for yourself.

Afamed:
Your quote is contradicting, how can you claim to have forgiven your parents but they still don't deserve any relationship with you?

@IceColdVeins, Good job on your part

And a good ending for deadbeat fathers and mothers.

Now they are going to eat their cake and have it.

Future mothers and fathers can as well decide to be deadbeat parents. We are all gonna guilt trip their children into forgiving them for the better good. So they don't get to be parents when they are needed the most but they still get to enjoy the benefits of having grown children. Imagine enjoying the best of both worlds without lifting a finger. Lucky bastards!

Damn! What am I going to do?

It will soon end