₦airaland Forum

To the original topic.....

What's wrong with..... 'Mama Lagbaja' with
the odd sprinkling of "ma's"

Respect is reciprocal

I would be full of wonder, if the prospective mother-in-law, fully aware of the age difference, does not defer to her son-in-law.

Getting off on a high horse, limits her welcome in my abode definitely!!!!!

Every case has to be judged on its own merit though.

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If she's that concerned,
sit at the back like Tejubabyface alleges or
go incognito

Simplessss!!!!

Support Mynd's theorem

@ Richarts

Well said

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Well done Yakubu
More grease to your elbows
May you continue to bring in more "gold..en" achievements....
Amen

Think its time to create some distance...

Does she behave in a similar fashion with other male in-laws? If not, there's reason to be suspicious.

Coyly decode your wife's thoughts on her sister's behaviour.... particularly any past BF's "swaps or steals".

Enlist her help in deterring this sister.

Always include ur wife in any discussion n limit time spent alone with her sister.

Tease her about her love interest in the presence of others, but keep conversation formal when alone with her.

Have ahead of you, the need to protect your marriage,....
If there was to be a falling out/ apart, I doubt if (wifey) she'll choose you over her family in the absence of extraneous circumstances.

1) a relevant topic... possibility of impact on the social conscience
2) irksome irresponsible comments previously made
3) my little contri......

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In response to KJ

I beg differ.
We may have to agree to disagree on this issue.
You have remained quite myopic on this issue rather surprisingly!!

and based your understanding on experiences, personal or otherwise.
Some of your above explanations are supported by little scientific basis or demographic data.

Don't focus on the zebras at the expense of the horses.

Have yourself a good day!!

@KJ,
I take on board the physical work our mothers n grandmothers did.....
However, that was a different dispensation.

1) Work was largely physical, not cerebral or (if trying to be exact) cerebellar .....
Look around u and see the 30-somethings academics who have grey hair, something unheard of before the age of 50 in our parent's generation
A far-fetched example, but still holds true.

2) There were a lot of support systems in place, ....
delegation of certain responsibilities was key....
...the village trained the child, not just the parents....
and to some degree, the responsibility was spread....


3) Not in todays world in the west, where its a solo experience,
Who do u have to delegate to..... without being labelled..negligent ??!
and that's when the govt n laws aren't dictating how to train our wards.....
And Still blame the "govt hand-shackled" parents when things go wrong!!!!!!

4) In addition to the pressures of modern day living whether out in the west or the newly westernized sectors of Africa, the stress only increases.

These are only a few reasons....... many more abound!!


Re: the story of the couple wt 10-11 children, there is no relevance to the present topic. Afterall there are numerous traditional large Irish, Mormon or gypsy families not living off the state, who don't get to the papers.

As mentioned previously, each case has to judged on its own merits.


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Nice one, debrief08

Kudos to people who are realistic in their assessment of need or help,
And do not slowly age away under some ill-conceived maxim,
With poor justifications.

Kudos to debrief08 once again!!!!!

@ KJ....

A careful reading of other comments may help correct ur opinion of female commentators being women not having jobs.

Each case should be assessed on its own merit.
A sweeping generalization is a product of a lazy mind, unwilling to engage with all facts present.

If in the UK, support ("Carer" ) help is organized by the state to help women deemed at risk, I see no reason to demonize women who can't cope with the pressures!!!!!!!!!!!


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To each their own.

For those who need maids either as a domestic help or to help babysit children during transition times when both parents can't be around due to work constraints, particularly in the west where childcare laws are enforced sometimes in a draconian manner, Please go ahead.

For those happy to do without for whatever reasons they hold dear, please go ahead.

It's unfair to judge others by your standards, particularly when deemed to be "too high" by common consensus.

So for the ladies who want to be able to look good on 6-7 hrs sleep whilst meeting deadlines on a daily 10-12hrs work schedule.... taking in the travel times, and having to cope with 2-3 children, particularly if they are babies or under-3 's, when the level of dependence on adults is quite high,


who want to have on board a maid or help............ GO FOR IT!!!!!

Best advice is to see how she does on ur "must have" list of qualifying characters.
To judge her by a mistake that happened 13yrs ago, is rather harsh, particularly, if there are no other significant character flaws.

Regarding her son with non-existent father, setting fair n just rules will be the way to go. Involve him earlier on in dates n outings to get some degree of bonding with him. No need to spoil him as that will only backfire, children r pretty smart n know to "blackmail" in order to get their way.

Having an open mind..... is imperative!!!

Concerning the legal side of things, will you be adopting him as his father or father's clan has never been in the picture. Whose surname is he bearing presently as that may indicate a few things.

Happy birthday.
Wish u all u wish urself
Thank God for all He's brought u through.

Set up a trust fund to see them thru Uni.....
Just in case....

@ op
In the absence of a behavioural change following a heart to heart chat with your wife.

Pray for direction as to the way forward.

This might be a symptom of a wayward heart.
If she's been immature, timely sensitive advice from mentors may be useful.

Otherwise protecting urself from STIs may be the way forward.

Hopefully, she learns the errors of her ways.

Gd luck

Nice one....

Front-page pls!!!

Sth to lighten up the day.

@ Kirinwa

Were u sent by d man to solicit for female attention??

My conclusion after reading some of his comments ...........
is that of a young entrepreneurial fair Naija man.

He shouldn't need any help getting a lady of his dreams.

Worst case scenario....
Adopts an alter-ego and goes "e--fishing"

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@ LoladeKing

Such optimism is not commonplace in NL.
It's a breath of fresh air.
But I wish you the very best in your job search.

Hopefully, you get to share the good news here very soon.

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^^^^^^

Thank you ma sista.

It hurts when I see families being torn apart over simple things such as a lack of "visible" deference and forbearance.

It becomes a never-ending cycle. Children are scarred for life, manifesting hidden hurts in different ways.

Working a successful marriage is not an easy undertaking, but one simply prays for grace.

Have a gd week ahead.


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@ Leavinglon,

I sympathize with you.
However, some things need to be said.
Of all the advice given, Ifyalways' is the most practical.

I'll address some of your comments.


1) you married a culture n family when you married your husband, regardless of his previous declarations pre-marriage. This is evident given his return to "primitive" form.
Pls stop all this "I live in a certain culture or country and therefore immune to my.antecedent culture". Personally, if a lot of African wives in Diaspora stopped having this mindset, marital bliss might be easier to achieve.

2) hubby spending more time with his mum:
This can be quite tough to take on, but remember here is an OAP, if I'm allowed to use the word, who is used to being kept busy and amused by family members who take it upon themselves to visit regularly, having to keep herself busy with TV and other vagaries.... no wonder, she finds Jerry Springer amusing.

Hence her son, understanding the need to humour her, has decided to perform what is seen traditionally as a daughter-in-law role..... really covering up for your perceived indifference, and you're still moaning about it, yet again!!!!!!!!

Understanding her psychology and background may help you better relate to and with her. It's tough. Due to the pressures of life in your environment, this may seem an arduous task, but it yields fabulous results on the long term.


Ways of combating this may be a pictorial display of domestic rules.... similar to dinner rules. It's an indirect way of addressing issues such as TV time, times out for the family and times out for you and herself... where you treat her to special things..... Let it be known in a gentle way that this is your favour, not her son's undercover favour.

3) you NEVER NEVER backchat. Not to talk of insulting an In-Law, no matter how young they may be. In some yoruba families, you can't call by name, all the male children that predates your marriage. One finds herself calling a little boy, pre-teenager, uncle bla bla...... This is simply to provide examples of this respect thingy.

4) I read with distaste, your comments about husband being made redundant and potential resulting issues

Pls let me remind you, if I'm allowed:
The success or failure of your union lies in your hands. When I read comments like yours where there is an unexpected change of financial headship, due to circumstances, and the woman gloats as you have done, it bears strange forebodings.

If there is an unusual thing I have noticed in some Yorubas, It's the uncanny ability of the men to start families with other women no matter how broke-assed they may be.
Guess what?!!!! the other woman (women) is/are totally aware of the full situation in most cases.

Meaning ...... trying to crack the financial whip may only split the ship up.

Who suffers

You and your children

Not your hubby,.... got 1 or more women who may be better than you doing all the traditional things.... and will be inherently looked upon as a good wife by family.

Not your MIL, for reasons above

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ps: for handles talking about ......her wasting 10 years: look at things from the husband's perspective...... is he at the same time, wondering if HE has wasted the same time too.

Morale is ........its a partnership that needs investment. This should not be seen as a waste.
You have no business getting married, if not prepared to invest and potentially waste that time or effort.

The above "thesis" is really to address the psychology on the matter and influence future decisions

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@ slimyem....

Thanks

for those that understand the reproductive capacity of a woman in mid forties... a termination is not an easy option and shouldn't be considered lightly.

A promise is not real until performed. If the groom to be doesn't turn up in 2 wks...... as he didn't a few months previously...., then Dupe has lost both ways.

Simply explaining the situation to her groom to be should be the way forward.
DEFINITELY will not advise her to get a termination.

If Demola isn't ready to accept her "gift" or "liability", Dupe should get a move on and fortify her abilities as a single mother.

Having said this, its her preference that rules, at the end of the day.
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Discuss the issue of obstinacy with her.


You then eat the humble pie, show leadership by talking to her 1st, when she starts her petty behaviour.

Avoid talking bout things in a volatile atmosphere...... leads to arguments..... try reasoning when in a more conducive state, if it means several days apart.

But no hating......

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Hard as it may be.

I concur on the theory of unusual relationships being facilitated by ?

I have met several pple who still wonder why n how they married their present spouses. The spouse in question wasn't the "chosen" one, initially: didn't have any advantage over n above others at any point in time.

I have unfortunately witnessed families where the spouse in question simply causes mayhem n systematically isolates the victim for personal selfish gains. Sometimes to the extent of cleaning out the entire extended family's wealth, good fortune or influence.

May God in His mercies protect us all from such wasters, amen.

However, my last word is .......over and over again, such evil pple always come to a very sad end......... It's inevitable.

A shame though, about the pple wasted along the way.

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HBD: best wishes

funny this coming from me:

Ur mate needs deliverance

Where is his family to sort him out

^^^^^

Dear Amyng....
If u expect to be cuddled every night of ur marriage ........ u need to grow up n stop being clingy.

No offence........

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Such positive comments.
There's still hope, I daresay

I take on the endurance bit from sexkillz.
More like selflessness, I dare suggest.

But place emphasis on the need to work together as a couple.

With a joint goal or focus, nothing is impossible.

God bless u all.

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^^^^ tell them bro.
In dem early days, yeah..... its like u can't get enough.
But give it some time or years.... need ur space
Don't mean the man's cheating....
Just need some space.

U can sleep with a man every day or night and he'd be cheating if he wanted to...
With dem viagra n redbull available....

* whistles off*

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