₦airaland Forum

Build your mother’s own first to the point where it is habitable even if not to your personal taste.
Your mother is growing old and it would make her so happy and you and your siblings would be proud of you.
You can not be stranded or shelter if you build it for her because even though it is a family house, it is for your own mother and not a father that might have other children or another wife.
Your siblings would know that it was you who put down the lions share and so I do t expect them to lord over it while you are present.
You are young and the trends change in building projects. By the time you are 50, you may find your own house substandard to your taste at that time. You have a lot of time to build yours to taste. You may not have the opportunity to do something major for your mom if you wait much longer but by Gods grace, she would live long. 2014 is a long time ago to have stopped tangible work.
But in all this, acquire your own land even if you don’t develop it immediately.

Believe it or not. If you find yourself sending a lady your last dime or giving her money consistently, like a salary... you’re getting played.

The relationship may last but doesn’t change the fact that you’re still getting played.

I’ve learnt that there is no such thing as Karma even though it is convenient to believe so.

If you must date a single mother or marry one, make sure that you know the circumstances very well and know someone close to her e.g meeting through a common friend, colleague or relative.
I say this because, for many single ladies with children, their morale is low and it is generally believed that it is hard to find a responsible man that would want them with their baggage and hence the need to try whatever it takes to keep one and hook one even if pretext is needed.
On the other hand, many single mothers have good personalities but the baggage is the issue. Imagine a single mother who does not earn an income and still expecting a man to feed her and someone else’s child. The child’s father may be in the picture and cause a lot of interference even if a romance is over btw him and the mother. Even biological children are hard to raise but an adopted child may make things more complicated in decision making.
In theory, a widow seems more attractive than a single mother that was not married to the father of her child but practically, it may not be that simple. The widow also has a lot more baggage than the single unmarried mother.
Anyway, marriage is not for the faint hearted and having a blended family requires much more maturity and wisdom to engage in.

Too many things are wrong with this post
The first thing you mentioned about her were her curves
2. You borrowed money to take her out
3 She is willing to pay part of your rent even though you don’t have a job
4. ...
She is a runs girl even though you have not realised it but she wants to settle down with a man who is modest and trusts her.
This response is not coming from a teenager.

With 97k monthly, even your coworkers would allow you to sleep in their balcony and bath in their bathroom for 3 months. Nigeria is not so bad that a lady earning 97k or even 30k would sleep in am I completed building. Something doesn’t add up

You’re at a beer parlor?
How is it that one of her family members have no single regard for you?
How about her friends?
You would not be granted custody of a four year old girl by any court.
Depending on the gravity of your misdoings, you may not see the child for many years.
Do you really love your daughter or you are trying to use this as leverage to spite the woman for leaving?
If it is true love and you are not an extremist, they would come round in no time but if you have done unimaginable things and the lady has her own income, you would need real wisdom and soberness and repentance to have access to your daughter.

Cohabitation has unforeseen disadvantages but it is very common. I’ve not heard of this culture before now but I see why it may be reasonable.
They can not take his child from him but it is just to honour the dead partner and keep good relationships with the son and his mother’s family.

Judging by this list, I want to believe the lady is well read, widely travelled and very cultured who loves you with all her heart and adore you forever. A lady who would stand by you through thick and thin and always have your best interest at heart and in so doing, enabling your peace of mind while no relative of hers imposes any financial burden on you after the fact.

lexy2014:
And it worked under MKO Abiola. Did his wives not have ambition outside bearing children?

Are u saying that all the women in monogamous marriages all have ambition outside bearing children?

Many women in monogamous marriages have no ambitions as well.
It worked for MKO because he was a selfless Muslim, and he was so rich and busy.
I’m just trying to say why it works for some and would never work for others.
Monogamy on its own has many challenges but polygamy would make it worse in many cases.

galaxy2020:
My maternal grandfather, married 18 wives, they all lived with him until his death in 1983. Even after his death, none left his home. The last wife is the only one still alive. They rest died and were buried in my grandfather's land. My grandmum was wife number 8. I kept wondering how he could manage all of them (including the over 100 children), without much crisis?

In those days, one did not get married for love but for convenience. Many of those women did not have personal dreams of accomplishment and achievements outside bearing children and looking after them.

Polygamy would work fine under those circumstances or conditions.

The one packing the items is the second wife. She married with terms and conditions that she understood. That’s all

Very nice post.

He had it coming since he chose to date a freeloader

Polygamy negates every principle of real marriage. Whether or not it appeared normal in the Bible is a different story. We can not sustain to live by everything in the Bible in modern times.
I can never be a second wife because I believe that every second wife is capable of murder except the teenage ones that go in out of stupidity.
The outright selfishness that is glamorized in our society beats me. The parents that encourage it for their offspring can also encourage such offspring to steal or kill or bear false witness. Especially Christians who actively go to church.
I understand that moslems genuinely see it differently.
It is fornication and adultery that is marketed as polygamy.
But then, there are several things wrong in our society that we turn a blind eye to and man must survive one way or the other even if by killing, stealing or destroying...
If God was a physical being, none of the perpetrators can stand before God and claim it was done out of good intentions and not selfishness.

Is it that he paid School fees and she is allowing it to waste?
Men, God did not instruct you to allow your partners to do whatever pleases them.
I want to believe that the husband did not pay their school fees.

I don’t have all the details but generally, if I was a man I don’t think I would marry this type of stubbornness

Biglittlelois:
Yes but the thing is, how can parents monitor their kids 24/7?

"Don't give them phones", what of friends they keep? How can we know all of them? Cos no matter how much you try, they will keep some special ones away from you

"Don't give them internet enabled phones" have you forgotten sms? They will say whatever they want to say and delete it immediately, what exactly can be done if we should carefully think things through, cos I don't seen how any solution will curb these menace 100%.

It is not that hard if only parents can get over their own insecurities and make the right decision about their children or wards.
Parents want their wards to have access to these things for their own egos. Parents don’t want to upset their children and succumb to their children’s antics. Children can be sneaky but not as sneaky as the Chris land girl.

It is such character of his that makes him to be struggling financially in the first place. Do not offer financial support to him ever again. He is evil and would not do the same dor you if the tables were turned

Except a man who had a traumatic childhood, it he is physically assaulted by his wife regularly then he does not have my pity.
A man is to go out and seek the true bone of his bone....
I don’t see any reason why a woman would get away with this easily

You should not be in this much debt even if you do not have savings. Make sure not to be giving a gold digger money and always use a condom if you have sex. You would come out of it.

Depressionkill:
Thank you all for ur comments, I didn't take any for granted! I have learnt one or two lessons from everything said so far. Truth is, I don't care about him coming back/fulling his promises or not, if he comes back, he should go to his mother I don't want trouble in my life. I'm just pained that he put me through so many pains and I got into this massive debts because he wasn't "alive" to his responsibilities....... No be man matter be my problem now, even my side hustle which greatly relieves my meagre salary has crumbled!! I just hope God helps me out of this mess as I have no hope of sorting myself. I had already thought of taking my kids to my elder brother but since he didn't approve of the relationship from onset.....I don't know how to! I'm a very emotional person, easily triggered and I don't call for help easily......I can't believe I wrote this much sha! Wow!!

52k is not as small as you say that it is. Just two kids?
There is no way that you can borrow up to 700k witching 2 years for responsible causes.
You must have family members who know the full story and can support you. Maybe even friends. Except that your work place is so far that you spend half on transportation.
Let us hope that one day, your husband would get back on his feet. Why did you allow a wicked one to enter your kitchen and loot you? Is there a communication problem?
Stay focused and try to pay the loan sharks one after the other otherwise, they would embarrass you,
Kudos to you for even having a job. Some women come here to complain of the same thing but the difference is that they don’t have any income except from the man.

Your uncle, you say?
Clear debts accrued, you say?
I see !

For a long time, I have been baffled with the audacity of some business people. When it is not a market for only one product, why do people opt to sell or render a service that their next door neighbour is already into?
I understand everyone selling phone or computer accessories in computer village but in some shopping complexes, you see that one person sells children’s clothes and if you are so jealous of clothing, at worst, go into adult wears...
You see one person selling wholesale drinks while you run a business center next shop but before you know it, the business center would start to sell whole sale drinks which is completely unrelated. When you want to rent a shop for the first time and you know shop A sells foodstuff, and you chose to rent shop B for the same purpose? Left to me, I won’t even give such shop to a person selling provisions because the food stuff might want to expand to include provisions but in society, some agents don’t care while some would insist that you can not take the shop because the business already exists in the place. Individuals do this under the guise that everyone can find their own customer but in my opinion, it is the selfishness that humans have and don’t want the same to be done to them. What’s your take on this? In the attached picture, I believe one shop owner was the first to start and freed and selfishness made others so close to start. This little rivalry can lead to death in some old markets.

Nothing complicated here.
Why do you want to spend your life with someone from such a family?
Why are you even considering her at this stage of your life??
You do not love her. You are just distracted by her.
Face your future and forget about her totally.
Mind you, I'm speaking from an elder's point of view and I don't expect you to get it totally but I've spoken.

There is a bigger picture

This man would not honour a summon from a customary court.
Take him to a court all the same and in the mean time, investigate your kids whereabouts and re-possess them
This whole process would take a roll but that's all I can say.
I hope other women can learn from this woman's experience and choices to do better for themselves.
Women would see sociopaths and have dealings with them despite the obvious permutations.

For a long time, I have been baffled with the audacity of some business people. When it is not a market for only one product, why do people opt to sell or render a service that their next door neighbour is already into?
I understand everyone selling phone or computer accessories in computer village but in some shopping complexes, you see that one person sells children’s clothes and if you are so jealous of clothing, at worst, go into adult wears...
You see one person selling wholesale drinks while you run a business center next shop but before you know it, the business center would start to sell whole sale drinks which is completely unrelated. When you want to rent a shop for the first time and you know shop A sells foodstuff, and you chose to rent shop B for the same purpose? Left to me, I won’t even give such shop to a person selling provisions because the food stuff might want to expand to include provisions but in society, some agents don’t care while some would insist that you can not take the shop because the business already exists in the place. Individuals do this under the guise that everyone can find their own customer but in my opinion, it is the selfishness that humans have and don’t want the same to be done to them. What’s your take on this? In the attached picture, I believe one shop owner was the first to start and freed and selfishness made others so close to start. This little rivalry can lead to death in some old markets.

Ahmed0336:
I somehow like myself. Back then, I took her to the hospital, sat there till all the procedures were completed.

She later said she won't do family planning after my first two kids, I said no problem.

Kongi wan kill her, I just lock upppp

She said I should use condom, I said I won't.

That we should try withdrawal method I no gree.

She report me tire to those concerned, I refused to shift ground.

Nobody tell her, she had to insert again before we continue

Who is this wise man? Many simple problems that nairalnaders bring here can be solved with simple game theory techniques. This man's comment has made my day. May you continue to grow in wisdom, self discipline, self worth, focus, determination, and problem solving mindset. Amen.

Very interesting news

You are deeply hurt judging by the excess info that you have us. It I good that you have learned.
She has been this way for long but you were absent minded.
I would not advice you on what to do because you are still absent minded.

A jobless wife treating you this way?
Who are the helpers taking care of her baby? Your relatives or hers?
Let her go and be more careful in future.
Neither of you are ready for marriage. She married you because of the money you give her. She does not love you. If she loved you, at this early stage, she might forgive anything that you do.
You also went for a woman who you knew did not love you because you are not confident. Let her leave you but mind you, buy your baby clothes yourself and the baby food. Do not give her a dime of your money otherwise prepare to be her puppet for long.