₦airaland Forum

...how timely.

The grass always appears greener. Your cousin was never ready for the mantle of husband. He did a very poor job, was selfish and short-sighted, and an adulterer to boot.

If he persists, he will repeat what he has already inflicted on one undeserving lady - and possibly worse. His best bet is to fix up within the union he is already in. But it soesn't sound like he will hear it.

It's not advice he needs, it's a good smack & then sanctions


TV
^{...Enlightenedsoul...how's about?}

EnlightenedSoul:
Perjury is lying under certain conditions, under oath, in a court of law, wrongful signature of a legal document, etc. Thats hardly the same as uttering the common everyday falsehood, i.e, lying. Cheating is an act of deception/dishonesty, and an extension of that. It's as ridiculous a notion to lock someone up for cheating as it is to throw someone in fetters for breaking a promise or telling a common lie.

I take your point about the particular use of "perjury" and it's specific conditions. However, it does not change the fact that "lying" is actionable. Fraud, or misrepresentation, or wrongs under "sale of goods" acts are all pursuable in the courts - they are all just legalistic terms for lying.

Likewise, anywhere "lying" has led to demonstrable harm, a case can be made for sanctions. It's morally wrong. Who does not correct their child when they lie, or punish them if they persist in what is obviously immoral/bad behaviour?

Which brings us to the point in question. Adultery is breaking a covenant, or contract - if one wishes to be legalistic. As such it should be actionable. The question is whether in a civil or criminal sense.

EnlightenedSoul:
It was widely criminalized based on religious law and doctrine, and still is in some parts of the world. As it stands, it is largely irrational and pointless, often a menace to society and strongly biased against female-folk in particular when and if "enforced", and nearly impossible to effectively and fairly enforce in the first place through proof of so-called "innocence" or "guilt" unless "witnesses" are involved. It's nothing short of a dangerous idea.

Even if it were criminalised based on religious doctrine in some areas, that is not the only reason. Marriage predates religion or law. Sanctions for adultery were due to the negative consequences.

To call it irrational and pointless is emotional. There can be damage to individuals and wider society when adultery is committed. And as marriage is entered to under oath, why should it not be punished?

EnlightenedSoul:
No fault divorce makes sense from a logical, judicial standpoint.

Firstly, marriage was not initially a legal construct, and should never be legalistically driven. Secondly, it contravenes what marriage does and is for. No one is forced to marry. One can have any form of relationship they desire. Why choose marriage trash it and cry about societal pressure?

And no-fault divorce whilst not appotioning blame, stilll apportions burdens, mostly on men. This matches your cry of adultery unfaurly punishing women.

All in all, I fel adultery should be sanctioned, not least because - not that I agree - there are provisions for ending marriages if one spouse is not satisfied.


TV

bjcole:
Thanks Bros, your moniker rings a bell, you are an old contributor here I guess, what else can we contribute here than to help people build good homes and let people know that these things are possible if you can condition your mind towards it. This month made me 9yrs in marriage, we have had cases where some couples would not want to withstand.
My wife and I had been through a lot but we resolve that all things work together for good for those that love God. There was a period of ignorance in my life that I felt like I was tired of my wife, thank God that it was not too late for me, after working on my self, I discovered that my wife does not even have any problem, now we live happily and we are working towards a perfect home. Why will you cheat on your spouse if you have not lost your mind, the person you claimed you loved before, all of a sudden you don't love her or him again, then you didn't love in the first place.

Thank you for this. A wonderful testimony, and hopefully inspiration for some who would otherwise be swayed by the siren call of godless and selfish immorality.


TV

edwife:
Hmm dear you have said it all.But then again,i have one pertinent question.tv01 please if you can answer it.How can a 31 years old virgin woman who only had carnal knowledge with one man is yet to experience orgasm or even know how it feels or what it is? It 's like eating your mum native soup,you will think it is the best soup ever as no one has ever made it for you,no? It is only when you eat the same soup from someone else that you will compare;no?

I think OP has responded. I would be wary though, media generally gives a very narrow view of what good intimacy looks like. It's easy to get a skewered view.

As I kind of stated, my basis is the desire to please, be patient and bear with one another. Someone mentioned how penetration doesn't do it for all women - in fact I hear it may be most, especially amongst sisters - how does she know what works for her?

You will have geat sex with a great person. At worst, it will be satisfying. The root issue here is first a lack of emotional intimacy and care, seemingly driven by selfish and unconsidered mindsets, and maybe wrong impressions of what marriage should be and wrong priorities.

Resolve that first and the sex will almost certainly improve as a by-product. Then if desired, they can move on to super-sizing their intimacy . Afterall, if all of a sudden the sex became great, would you consider the situation fixed?

Marriage is way more than sex and when it's full as can be, intimacy finds it's rightful place. For emphasis, there is no mention of a genral loving environment here. For many women (and men) that is just as important. The cuddles, the in-jokes, the shared moments, the overall sense of mission within the marriage.

On "toys". I personally see it as cheating, unless it's by mutual consent (not undue coercion). The "take ownership of ones sexual satisfaction", should within marriage, be constrained by doing that with your partners engagement, not unilaterally.

Where does one draw the line? If ownership for one is intimacy gadgets, why can't it be prozzies or side-chicks for another?

Again, all the best OP. Be prayerful and considered. God bless your union.


TV

Morning, apologies for not replying earlier, I really wanted too as I am genuinely at a loss here

EnlightenedSoul:
It's a basic biological human right, which can be and often is determined and ascertained by other outstanding factors, some of which you've already taken the liberty of mentioning. Your local laws, your abilities (physical, financial, etc), your capabilities (fertility, etc), and spousal willingness, etc.

What are these biologial rights we have, or that exist? And if it's a "basic" right, why can it be altered by laws?

To contrast, "liberty" is a right. No one has the right to enslave anyone else. What factors or laws should determine, ascertain, or otherwise impinge on that right?

EnlightenedSoul:
If you're asking what should happen when disagreement strikes, I have no way deciding that for anyone.

No, I wasn't asking. We all have our views and I'm sure the couple in question do too.

EnlightenedSoul:
However, I will say that I wouldn't blame or blacken the image of those who leave infertile (or unwilling) partners with the hopes of having children they could otherwise never have, nor those who refuse to bear children they don't want in the case of women or refuse contribution to their bearing in the case of men. They are justified in what they chose to do with their own genetic material, and they've their own reproductive rights alongside that of their partners.

And here is the rub, and why I specifically asked about the situation in a marriage context. Marriage is by definition, with very little variation. Yes, couples can agree beforehand, but that is at best an articulated desire, and no necessarily what will happen.

In marriage, it's not about individual "rights" or desires. It's about the whole, with reasonable consideration for each other. So case in question, the man is not being unreasonable as narrated by OP.

As for "genetic material" that's a falsehood, even if unintended. If a man impregantes a woman and decides he does not want a baby, he can't force an abortion - hence no, or limited choice in what happens to his "genetic material"


TV

EnlightenedSoul:
It's his right to have as many children as he wants, but it's also her right to have as many children as she wants.

I'm struggling here And for a number of reasons;

1. Firstly, where does this right originate?
2. And within the context of marriage how does this "right" play out? Especially if i. there is no agreement, or ii. capability or ability prevents it, even if there is agreement.


TV

EnlightenedSoul:
Ridiculous. Why not criminalize the act of lying while you're at it

It already is - it's called perjury

EnlightenedSoul:
You really want the government in your bedrooms, literally? You want a theocracy?

In as much as the goverment has codified marriage into law, they are in a sense, already in. And how does that suggest a theocracy?


@OP, adultery was once widely criminalised. I feel there should at least be some sanctions, and it should be taken int account in dispues/dissolving marriages. In all, I don't see no-fault divorce as progres or an improvement.


TV

tearoses:
All the best.

cc TV01

You've said a lot - and enough for significant change. Babajeje 123 provided a lived experience, although I wouldn't involve a 3rd party unless all other efforts proved abortive.

As for withholding oral until she gets it? Firstly, it will be hard to change precedent, secondly, it will most likely antagonise and escalate the situation. Please, let's stop giving advice out of a feigned sense of outrage and SJW instinct !

The love which means you do it, is the same love that understands if your spouse does not want too. Bear with him, let him know your desire, and use that same love to patiently bring him round.

And lets resist the temptation to coruscate the husband . Firstly, we have not heard his side of the story, and secondly, and in this case quite pertinently, OP has stated plainly her intent to build her home. Such invective does not help.

OP, you however, are here ; Please take a long, hard look at yourself and what you can do to make you marriage happy. If you truly believe, take it to God, not man

If you do nothing, rest assured, this situation will at some point become unbearable for you, taking what you’ve written at face value.
Or will you continue the charade of testimonies and entertaining and simply learn to endure?

Quit focusing on the externalities and appearance. Marriage demands adaptation, progress means agreeing, love makes compromise easy.

All the very best.


TV

BjCole, I stand to applaud your efforts here. I've also found McSquishi' post very good, even if not as many. And also a worthy mention for Lezz, late-on, but very insightful entries.

It behoves to challenge moral bankruptcy, no matter how "logically sweetened" or otherwise dressed up. Like BJ said "the fool has said in his heart there is no God"...and without God, what objective morality can there actually be? Hence attempts to reduce men and their motivation to those of brute beasts.

Very well done. Please keep it up.


TV

johnson232:
How else can a country of over 170 million people living within considerably less than one million square kilometers of land— 923,768 sq km to be exact —be explained?

And why is this a problem? Nigeria ia not a densely populated country by any stretch of the imagination: approximately #73 in the world rankings - https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_population_density

johnson232:
Nigeria’s population has successfully surpassed that of Russia, the country that occupies the largest amount of land on earth. Put in scale, our entire population of over 170 million resides in significantly less than the area occupied by two states in the U.S: California and Texas. our entire populace is compressed into (more than 2,000 sq km less) area occupied by about 60 million Americans.

As above, so what? I'm sure we could find any two US states with more densely populated than Nigeria. There are areas of how and low density everywhere, even in Nigeria. Suffice to say, we have the land and resourced to comfortably cater for a population much larger than what we currently have.

johnson232:
Even an article published just recently in The Guardian points out that Nigeria’s fertility rate is too high and nothing is being done to curb it...

Too high for what exactly? And what of our mortality rate? People die, sudden and unexpected deaths by a myriad of ghastly ways in Nigeria; ethnic tension, sectarian violence, road travel, air travel, sea travel, poor medical delivery - even pregnancy is disproportionately risky in Nigeria, abortion, political thuggery, ritual murders, disease, depression, brain-faag, wild animals, end-time boyfriends/girlfriends, beastly husbands, devious wives, crazed children sef join, arm robber, rogue so-called men-of-god, witch-hunting self declared women-of-god, village enemies, fake drug, real hard drugs, adulterated foods, wicked bosses, green-eyed neighbours, jealous friends, envious family, cultism, occultism, extra judicial killings, ancestral curses, real and imagined enemies, alcohol, cigarettes, air pollution, environmental depredation, etc. We of all nations need a high fertility/birthrate na.

And as a policy, it is simply wrong. If a country has a falling birthrate, should women and/or families be forced to have a minimum number of children?

Your championing of such policies is wrong, your basis for championing them are wrong, and the support - or rather lack of - you've provided, are also wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, thrice wrong. Please repent .


TV

johnson232:
My brother God bless u....
The govt should also come up with such policies, we are too many in this country...
Though I know our leaders are corrupt, but our population is also a contributing factor to the problems we are facing today...
How can only one man get married to 10 women, producing nothing less than 30 children....
We breed anyhow in this country, birth Control will go a long way in solving this nation's problems...

On what basis do you claim "we are too many"? And what problems does our population size lead to?

This is at best histrionic. Nigeria has the land mass, natural resourses and human capital to sustain a population - to a high standard of living - much larger than the one we have.

The problems faced are solely down to mis-management of resources. And such problems, unless dealt with at root, will persist whatever the population size. And it's odd that the leaders who you claim to be corrupt, are the same leaders you espct to come up with policies .

johnson232:
I think we have past that level rather....

Perhaps some data or facts to make your case? Emotional, assertions have little value here


TV

Sagamite:
I still fulfil part of women's wildest dreams.

...ah! Sagamite, you allow women free reign with your £200 limit credit card


TV

Ewuro4:
You're on point about Character and commitment. In addition, going into relationship without zilch plans and financial security in this day and age is setting oneself for a long term misery. So that part when he told his wife never to invite the guest speaker to their relationship conferences again , beats me. Comparing all relationships to his is somewhat intimidating and not fair to women who for the right reasons- looking out for their future.

I re-read that and agree. I also wonder at his claiming he had "no appreciable future"? I wouldn't advise a woman to marry such a one. Even if not for herself, she has to be cognisant of the welfare of any children they may have.

Ewuro4:
That^ is the koko... I won't implore any right thinking lady to outrightly marry any man in Bamiloye's 1980s status, who has no cogent future plans in line besides Drama.

Yeah, like I said, don't want to gainsay his testimony, but it does in some ways sound like a mixed message and, could potentially confuse or mislead. Plus, I don't agree with a vision that sees career or security in ministry, I personally don't believe ministry should be a career or source of wealth. In fact, the whole Pastor led type of ministry is something I'm strongly against, and one of the few things I've opened a thread about. Long/short, they've hada good union, I'm happy to celebrate that.

Ewuro4:
I didn't read the Vision part... Gotta ask TV , did you a have a vision about Mrs prior to proposal ?

Not about her per se, but about the kind of woman I wanted as a wife - qualities and attributes. Otherwise one can obsess. My WTB did not have a name, so when it didn't work with Chi, I could easily move on, when Hauwa turned out to be wrong, nothing spoil.

I always knew my own was waiting, and every close or near miss just strengthened my resolve, and belief that it was because God had something better for me ahead. I have no reason to look back and think "oh maybe Tola would have been better, or Jiru was more suited.

Ewuro4:
You're nothing like him coz he was poor. You were gainfully employed and your fan head wasn't attached to your double bed. Like I said, posh-er version and more exposed brother (Kirk Franklin-like).

Fair I suppose. I wasn't exactly poor, but my "apparent circumstances", gave no real indication of my true status. And please, Kirk Franklin is an even worse comparisiont .

Ewuro4:
There goes the bravado again... which one is 'Jim-Jim brother style'.... Before nko. Superior value mating proposition? Hahah enu ni bi ajakara. Weak kneed kor.

Ewuro4:
How many ripe UK babe way them eye don tear pass ear, go marry a dude living in a single room?
By the way did you share a flat then or a bachelors suite?

You are right to a degree sha. I met one who kept telling me how many properties her dad had at my age, and how she couldn't show me to her family with nothing and living in a room. Someone without anything of her own or even stay !

As for Mama, I'd gotten to know her a little before she visited - although I made sure I visited her very early on, as per due dilifence na - and she scored points by cooking .

I think both those descriptions are too posh. Basically I rented a single room in a dingy two bed flat - where the living room was also used as a bedroom. It was with two other guys - Africans - who I'm not sure were even legal sef.


TV
^{...although all details remain 100% accurate, some names may have been changed in the telling of this story}

healthyarena:
The sex distribution should be good news for some females of other nationalities hoping to relocate, considering how important it would be to the Chinese men!

Possibly, but nature has a balance of male and female births. It's about 106 males to 100 females (given the grater risk to males). For China to rebalance their shortage with women of other nations, there will be a net shortage in other nations, all things being equal.

The highest status Chinese men will still get local partners. It's the lower status ones who will struggle, and it's these ones who will be less desirable to foreign women anyway.

But certainly some Chinese men will look - or even move - abroad, and they may make it easier to "bring wives in". ATBE, I'm not sure where Chinese men rank in the global desirability scale .


TV

Ewuro4:
TV01 came to mind... Only a posh-er and more exposed version of Bamiloye.

Let's leave matter for Mathias , may our aspiring broke & mouthy brothers find the flesh of their flesh who's ready to overlook their over bloated ego and self absorbing characters.

Ko easy rara... I mean dealing with them

I am not one to gainsay anybody' testimony, so I'm wishing them all the best and celebrate a prosperous union with them. That is always a joy to me.

And it must be said, Madam has a simple and elegant beauty that has aged really well. I salute the man for his efforts in cherishing and honouring her.

Having said that, I must be clear that although I have nothing against a woman marrying a man who is "situationally" or "presently" poor, she must have the expectation, demand even, that he is of high character, and has a commitment too, and plan for providing for his family.

I don't believe the message here is one of "just marry regardless". And although it all sounds very romantic, if you read the article "very well" (in my best Naija accent ), you will see where he clearly spoke of having a "vision".

So for me the message to women is/should be, don't focus on present or situational wealth alone, or be taken with with inordinate bragging or "flashing". Be more concerned about Character and commitment.

I could even question the example he gave of a woman changing her mind after a year of courtship and demanding certain answers from her intended, before ending it, when he did not answer to her satisfaction.

A serious man should at all points in a relationship be proactive in - appropriately and a timely manner - articulating what his plans and vision are for his family, starting with his courtship and wedding.

She shouldn't have had to ask. I'm not saying she wasn't wrongly focused, or that he wasn't better off without her, but it shouldn't be due to his "loose game".

I primarily direct my energies towards challenging and exhorting men, but here's one for the ladies. Many women marry, for all the wrong reasons, get frustrated and label men beasts when it all goes wrong.

But even if he is a good guy, being with someone who is wrong can bring out the worst in a man. Let alone if he's not a kosher fellow to begin with. Get it right going in, and you'll have very few worries. All the best as you establish and build your homes.


TV
^{...and I'm nothing like this guy. I didn't employ "jim-jim brother" style or false piety to win mamas heart. I just presented myself, gave her a taster, and asked if she wanted to be courted , Weak-kneed, she agreed, I then got to know her, did my due diligence and outlined my superior value mating proposition. How could she resist? Although I was living in a single room at the time sha}

healthyarena:
China has decided to end its decades-long one-child policy , the state-run Xinhua news agency reports. Couples will now be allowed to have two children, it said, citing a statement from the Communist
Party. The controversial policy was introduced nationally in 1979, to slow the population growth rate.
Can someone just tell you how many children to have To me it's quite absurd

Their reasons are:
1. Aging population
2. Labor shrinkage
3. Gender imbalance

You essentially nailed it in the bold. No one has the right to legislate how many children a couple are allowed too have. So legislating for 2, is just as wrong as legislating for 1. This should not be subject to legal restraint or juridicial intervention.

Funnily enough, the issues they are facing are a direct result of the initial wrong-headed legislation. This "change" will not ultimately correct the ills engender by the initial law. Certainly not in the short term.

Meanwhile, the real ills that will result from the 1 child policy will soon start to manifest, even with really strong and harsh state controls. The sex imbalance alone. A whole cohort of men with no real chance of getting married or having families. No motivation, or focus to be settled and productive member of society.

The few women available will be in super high demand sha !


TV

Mindfulness:
This is a very good piece of advice. Very empathic and empowering. No blames, just understanding. No victimizing but an ode to personal responsibility.

I know you don't care but respect!

Happy New Year TV01, stay blessed!

HNY Mindfulness...hope it's a great one.

You are right in a sense I suppose .

And thank you.

TV
^{...this does not mark a new dawn or thawing in relations. I will still be looking to rinse or stuff you and your cohort at every opportunity - but you knew that right}

Acidosis:
Happy New Year my brother. In fact, Nairaland women, especially those I meet on this section, won't stop confusing me.

...it's why the are also known as "Confusionists" - confuse themselves and most everyone else !


TV

tearoses:
Good Morning House

Hope we are all on track

Yesterday I was naughty but thats allowed from time to time

As I said, I weigh daily so I was expecting the scales to tell me so, and it did

But I am still lighter than I was on Monday so all good

Damiso im hoping to get better at the skipping

TV01 thank you for the recipie . . .will try it minus the garlic
I dont want to be kicked out of bed due to garlic seeping from my pores

Actually the garlic doesn't seep - so no real worries there. It can be a bit strong, so if you do decide to include it, start small, small.

Did a brutal spin class on Tuesday. Evidenced by the sweat puddle. Planning a row or run tomorrow.

Keep it up y'all.


TV

Sagamite:
I dey o, bruv.

Market dey.

I made a new year resolution for 2016. My resolution is "I shall stay away from getting married in 2016".

Hail Saga, HNY dude!

Now about marriage - Saga, you know you just have to. Stop avoiding the inevitable. How else wil you give the "SagaKids" the best possible start? How can you deny some women the fulfilment of her wildest dreams !

Join us jor...I'm sure with a few "minor" adjustments, you'll make the best Hubby and Dad. I need a challenge to my undisputed holding of both those titles !

Best
TV

OYINBOGOJU:
My boyfriend, really my (supposed) fiancé, made me uproot and move to him only to leave me three weeks later.

These days there is little if any difference between a girlfriend and a fiancé. The difference is between those two and a wife. And he didn't make you uproot, you chose too.

Your mistake was to make the move without marriage, or even without it being in view. You moved as a girlfriend, and like any girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, it can be summarily terminated.

Sorry for your loss and the pain. It must hurt. Learn to make decisions based on clear and commited expectations. Learn to take responsibility for your actions. I hope you draw from this, and go on to have the fulfilling marriage you so obviously desire.

All the best. Wannaweds please take note.


TV

Acidosis:
consent /kənˈsɛnt/

meaning: permission for something to happen or agreement to do something

My kind of marriage is not defined by words like "MY", "MINE" or "ME". Once she agrees to marry me, then we have become "OUR." MY Mother would immediately become "OUR Mother"

So seeking her opinion about getting a car for OUR MOTHER cannot be done without her knowledge or agreement. Perhaps, she might suggest something different, e.g. a house.

In so far as she's alive and healthy, na she go even select the brand and the colour.

If it takes 1000 years to find such a woman, I will wait. No need to marry an alien or a 'stranger' when I can get a companion.

Acidosis HNY, you are trying on this one 0! But with many, and especially many women, they will just not get it. Read the last 3 female posters; to a man , they have all stated that the womans, at best questionable action, is all due to the fault or a flaw of the man?

Female solidarity, and wont to stroke their feelings is very hard for them to get past. That inability to see things logically and clearly is the reason why men lead, should be prepared to lead, and always hold their stance as leaders. And most importantly, marry a woman who is worthy and respects his leadership.


TV

Behira:
Creative

...very! There's even a skidmark !


TeeFee
^{...no offense pliss!}

Sagamite:
To be frank, I think it is a honourable thing you are trying to do and I know TV01 would be ecstatic with your approach.

...maybe not ecstatic, but on balance I see it as a good thing - even if it only "balances" the deluge of "marriage gone wrong" stories we hear daily in this place.

How market ? We eagerly await you sharing your own "story" - with pics following and even a video sef.

"Not just sharing a story, but living a dream" - TV01.

tearoses:
Oga TV01 don land
This guy is the Tim Peake of diet and fitness o!
Awon guru
Hold on to his every word like CNN

Btw please what is your recipe for the detox drink?
I will like to try it
Thank you

I had to google Tim Peake...so embarrassed . Errr...I was probably at the gym (or NL ) when it came on the news !

The juices my wife makes. I do the blending. So it's various combinations which she is perfecting as she goes. We typically use things we don't blend - beetroot, pineapple, celery, cucumber, apples, pears, lemons/limes, ginger, kale, and of course carrots.

The HGL - honey ginger and lemon drink, is something I've beed doing for years. It's as much a tonic as anything else. And I make it all the time, not specifically for fasting, althoughI always have it then.

It's basically 1 lemon, about 3x1 inches of ginger (a lot), and a very large spoon of honey. A few years back, I started adding about 4/5 cloves of raw finely chopped garlic, and now I also chop up about 10-20 mint leaves. Add boiling water and leave to stand (sometimes overnight), before sieving and drinking - hot or cold.


TV

damiso:
Thank you TV01 all your suggestions are very much appreciated ..will probably stagger it like you said and I love Zumba.

...no probs.

damiso:
As for your questions , I tend to work out in the Mornings and occasionally evenings depending on childcare arrangements. Depending on the WO intensity attached would be an example of what I would have in the morning. This was my breakfast this morning and my session this morning was Shaun T25 focus.Some days I have a smoothie some days oats sweetened with dates,almonds and various seeds. And done days fat free yoghurt and fruit.try to mix it up a bit .On Saturdays I tend to have eggs and vegetables .

As long as you are full, and getting a good range and combination of good whole foods, you should be fine. Diet is a whole discourse on it's own. Again just keep abreat of news and tweak to fit.

damiso:
For lunch I would have something like sweet potatoes steamed veg and fish . And dinner would be more veg/protein eg spinach or broccoli and maybe grilled chicken . I would have green tea with breakfast and lunch and another type of herbal tea for dinner eg camomile,red bush(something caffeine free ).

This sound fine to me. It actually looks like you have room for a little indulgence (oya fess up already ). Do you eschew sauces and dressings?

damiso:
You are right my goal is have a toned body and ribbed abs my tummy is not big but I have this annoying wobbly bit (Gradually going sha ). My husband says am getting obsessed and he does not see what is wrong with my tummy for someone who has has had 2 kids but I know he is just trying to make me feel good ..

If you can see the improvement, just keep on doing what you are doing, with tweaks here and there. Bearing in mind that you want to be fatigued, injured or overworked.

Mixing it up is good so that you don't become bored, overwork certain muscles, and have all round strength and fitness. The run I did last Friday hurt so much, and for like 3 days after. Just 25 mins in the park 0, but I haven't run for like a year.

All the best as you work towards your goals. Please keep sharing and help motivate others. I'm impressed!


TV

damiso:
TV01 can you help with suggestions?

I'll try !

damiso:
I tend to eat more complex carbs i.e. sweet potatoes, yam, brown rice, whole grain cous cous etc in small portions .. Completely cutting out carbs makes me feel dizzy/very weak especially as I do some form of working out ( running ,skipping ,HIIT,kick boxing, weight training etc ) about 4/5 times a week. My dilemma is I don't eat any carbs after 6pm. So if am on a fast and breaking the fast at 6pm I would tend to not want to have Carbs.

1. You appear to be cramming in a lot of sessions per week and at the same time restricting intake? What would you have after 6pm? In terms of type of food and amount?

2. Fasting can of course vary, but I typically do full days, be that water only, or water and juices. TBH 6 to6 is not a real struggle for me - unless I'm trying to exercise hard as well - I often skip meals or have no more than 2 a day.

damiso:
Do you advise I totally abstain from working out during the fasting period ( which I don't want to) or do less demanding exercises.

My preference is to do one or t'other, not both. I have to confess, I've had liquid weekends and gone running on both days. But that was a long-time ago, and not something I would recommend. Even if one does both, I would advise slowly building up capacity/tolerance

I can exercise up until the day before - I went running on Friday morning - then 2 days liquid - then a day of eating before resuming exercise on Tuesday. Not both. And not with your total workload and responsibilities.

damiso:
I was going to incorporate some more weight training this year anyway( bought some heavier weights over the weekend) and do less cardio but don't know how my body will react to working full time, fasting and still working out at the rate which I normally do.

Switching to weight training, or more of it, will demand a more comprehensive look at your diet and what you hope to achieve. So for example, a man looking to bulk up would have a different program from a woman looking to tone up.

Whatever the regime, or the aim, I would always have basal considerations of rest, injury avoidance, and feeling good. Right now, for me, fasting is an occassional boost to relax, meditate, detox and allow the digestion to rest. Say once a quarter. I used to have a dedicated weekly fast day, and have of course had more specific spiritual fasts.

I would consider doing both extreme, quite extreme in fact. Especially if you are not competing. As a boxer, I used to do extreme things to make weight, but I don't see why that would be called for in your case.

I don't see the point in overloading oneself. It defeats the purpose, can be demotivating, lead to injury, fatigue and burnout. What is required is commitment to a solid regime - which you have. Tweak that for gains/efficiency - which it appears you are aiming to - but please don't overwork yourself.

You'll find a balance, be that 2,3,4 or 5 days a week, plus a dietary regime. Proper and L/T gains come from a solid commitment. Don't miss sessions, don't stray to far from clean eating (bar any allowed indulgences). But rest if you feel unusually fatigued, or any niggles.

damiso:
Any low impact exercise suggestions(apart from walking ) would be appreciated. My working out buddy suggested Yoga but never really gotten the whole yoga thing.

Pilates isa good. I have done Yoga in the past, but the whole Christian taboo thing meant I opted for Pilates in the end. Wifey incorporate Pilates, and Zumba as well. If you do a lot of sessions, mix up some lighter ones. I row, which is low impact, as is Spin - baba class!

damiso:
Happy New year to you and yours by the way. May It be a blessed and fulfilling one for us all by His Grace

HNY Damiso, Amen!


TV

tearoses:
Tearoses

PREPARATION
Okay so we officially start tomorrow (Jan 4th 2016)
Tv01

Holá CC, HNY. Good start, good effort. A detox/fast is always a good start. I used to do them regularly, but haven't for a while now.

The timing this year was good. Feasted on the 1st, and then fasted over the weekend. Two glasses of home juice both days, along with two glasses of my special lemon, garlic, ginger, mint and honey concotion. With as much warm water as I liked.

Great light and clear-headed feeling this morning. And yes, about 3kg weight loss, which is a bonus, considering I'm quite lean, and don't actually need to lose weight.

Please don't rush into or over-indulge in this. If you haven't done it before, take baby steps of 1/2 or 1 day first. Plan in advance, as it does take mental prep, and make sure you have clear days, where you are doing nothing or very little.


TV

HNY all.

I wouldn’t advise anything when choosing a life partner, neither would I rule out anything. I personally eschewed the internet, but I’m sure it’s worked for some. Recommendations can certainly work – and work well. Be that “soft” or more formal types of recommendation.

Traditionally recommendation via family/community networks and contacts was how it was done – and still is in many places. Many tightly knit – for example some Jewish traditions – have specialist matchmakers, with excellent results. I had a “soft” recommendation when meeting my wife.

One of the issues I see with random recommendations, is that people tend to match any “singles” they know, without much thought to the individuals themselves. Often, the “recommenders” have a vested interest. Beware.

I had a few of these myself. They never went past 1 date, and always had me thinking “whose idea was this?”

The other is pressure from friends or family if they are aware. I had one introduction where the “friend” that introduced us kept pressuring me to commit, regardless of the fact that I was not certain. And not just pressure, but no concern about my misgivings, instead questioning my manhood.

My main concern about your post is this;

BlessedFellow01:
Do you reckon it is worth trying or too risky considering the fact that I may not have more than one or two physical contact with

Absolutely "too risky". I do not think that is advisable. You simply cannot know someone properly, let alone enough for marriage, without spending adequate time with them.

Phone communications and fleeting visits leave too much room for non-disclosure and outright deceit. In the last experience I mentioned above, it took just one day of my second visit for the whole tissue of lies she had constructed to collapse.

However you meet your wife, you have to know each other thoroughly and build your own rapport/relationship. I don’t even recommend distance relationships, unless the relationship was established prior to the distance coming into play.

Are you a Christian? Entreat the Lords favour. The Lord does for good or bad. Humble yourself,it’s what saved me from the ghastly mistake I would have made by marrying that woman.

Ecclesiastes 7:26 And I find more bitter than death The woman whose heart is snares and nets, Whose hands are fetters. He who pleases God shall escape from her, But the sinner shall be trapped by her.

Proverbs 19:14 Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the Lord.

And yes, good single independent ladies still exist. All the best in your search. Please return with good tidings and pictures .

Mutaino7, thanks for the mention


TV

Acidosis:
To counter the common Nairaland misinformation concerning a wife’s submission to her own husband, we should carefully note the following in Ephesians 5:22–24:

On-point and succinct submission Acidosis. Especially the point about misinformation. There is no gainsaying what the biblical commands for wives and husbands are - stated repeatedly . I wonder why there has been an inordinate amount of effort to deny that and even twist it?

No one is forced to live the Christian life, or it's outline for marriage. If one is unable or doesn't wish too, fine. But really, are clumsy and ignorant efforts to re-interpret the scriptures necessary? Just do the honest thing - as many do - and reject Christianity and the bible, if you find it's instructions unpalatable.

I also liked this; It's why I focus on marriage at entry. Very well said.

TooNoisy:
I think this is a good summary. God demands that a wife submit to her husband without any pre - conditions.
But I will add that women should marry men they can submit to. Some people will soon come out and ask - what if the man is irresponsible, useless or uneducated? My answer is - why should you marry a man you deem irresponsible , uneducated or useless? Why not wait for a man that has most of the qualities you want? As you lay your bed, na so you go lie on top am.
And submission does not mean you become a house help. It only means you honour, respect and protect him. It is ok to disagree with you husband and voice out your opinion. Nothing wrong with disagreeing with him. But please, don't go around bad - mouthing and gossiping about him. Don't insult or curse him to his face or behind him - that is not submission.

Funnily enough, no one disputes the injunction for men to love their wives? Or could it be that the incessant wrangling over submission simply stops the discussion from progressing that far .

It's also telling that it was Christianity that enjoined men to "love their wives". At the time, that was nothing short of revolutionary. Women were generally considered little more than chattel, and to actually love and treat them as equals, would have been unthinkable.

Also noteworthy is the fact that save for a few exceptions, wrapping the complementary distinctions of male and female, whilst at the same time treating husbands and wives as equals, is something that is only embedded in historical Christian societies.

Sadly, it is many of these societies, having essentially become "post-Christian", that are moving away from this creational sexual difference to something termed "gender-equality". We shall see how that goes, but some of us trust Gods word in the Bible and wish to live by it.

Here's to happy, solid, joyful, fulfilling and God-glorifying Christian marriages.


TV

Onegai:
Mystikal888, toss the list.

Exactimundo - hear this along with the rest of the post.

I was determined to build a varied CV for my son from early days. Started him swimming a few months in. After 3 years I could see that he was increasingly lacking any real appetite, and it was becoming a real struggle. So one day I simply asked him "do you want to do this?" and he gave me a totally convinced "no". We still take his sister, and still ask him occasionally - it's still a firm no.

In fact he's going through a phase were he's saying no to pretty much everything, including activities at parties. So now we do this;

baby124:
Don't force them. Just encourage interests.

Funnily enough, I'm a coach, I should know to let him lead, and sometimes simply stimulate his curiosity. We still keep a tight reign on the basics like reading and writing, and conduct. I was totally bowled over by the fact he could read before 3 and sight read by 3 and a half - I figured it would be much later, so I'm much more relaxed than I used to be and I think that's best for all involved.

I know his mum still dreams of him playing for Arsenal, and I have every intention of tactically introducing old videos of me boxing at some stage - but no pressure .

All the best with nurturing the wonderful human beings I'm sure they'll turn out to be. Makes you wish there was a tried and tested roadmap doesn't it?


TV

...ok J, because it's you.

Ewuro4:
TV, you hurt my feelings but I forgive you coz that's what Jesus would do. You posted right after mine hence the 'struck chord'

There was no intention to hurt anyones feelings, not least yours. I stand by what I wrote, and will explain further, but ma' binu jor

Ewuro4:
1. True, You didn't refer to anyone in particular but your blanket statement where you made reference to posters ( myself included) as Christians without deep convictions and Faith, did.

I didn't make a blanket statement, I said "most". I couldn't have made a blanket statement, as I referenced and agreed with bennyrazz' post, and any in a similar vein.

The "he is deceiving you and using born-again as an excuse" is an obvious possibility, but I suspect he really has made that change and felt the conviction. How easy is it for a Catholic to become a Pentecostal? If it is deceit, there are easier ways to go about it. A true change may actually means he sees AO as a source of sin, so will likely avoid, or even "dislike" her as a result.

Ewuro4:
2. Again, I already posted prior to your post in question. So it got to me.

I honestly didn't notice. I saw the thread when it first went up, but was occupied with home runs and dealing with Coco and co. Cococo . Because of interruptions and distractions, it can take a while for me to put together a post and submit it. I actually did'nt notice you had posted, let alone before I did

Ewuro4:
3. My relationship with God doesn't have anything to do with my reaction to comments that questions my Faith. I have the right to react to any inappropriate statement(s) about my relationship with him, I'm only human.

The views I post are of my faith, and how I understand Christianity. If they are contrary to anyone else's, they can be ignored, countered or challenged.

I am not PC enough to couch my beliefs so as to not offend, especially if it means being anything other than clear. Like I said, if you are upset because you feel I targeted you, no I did not, but no vex (my targets know who they are . If you are peeved because you don't agree, I can offer no more solace that to ask that you take it as a difference of opinion.

From the personal to the doctrinal

Ewuro4:
Why was Transformation required? ...

In short, because that is exactly what Christianity promises - and demands.

Ewuro4:
I don't know. Maybe you can shed more light to that aspect of different kinds of Christianity.

I don't see "kinds" - and I'm not a denominationalist - what I referenced here and the way I see it, is more a question of degree. At one end, you have those who may well label themselves Christian, but in reality conduct themselves no different from those who are not, and on the other, those who live and breathe their faith - and not by agidi, but by grace and the transforming power of Christ.

I have a mantra - "I don't judge because I cannot justify, and I don't condemn, because I cannot save". But judge in the sense that I know final judgement lies with Christ, as does Salvation.

But that does not mean I cannot give judgement (an opinion if you like) on a situation. Two people having sex out of wedlock is fornication. That's bible. Adulterers, it goes on to say, will not make the kingdom of heaven. If anyone is uncomfortable with that, they can speak to the Editor !

That is not an eternal judgement or condemnation to hell. Have I even said I believe in eternal torment? I have no idea how or where they will end up. Indeed, I know that God is not willing that any should perish". His mercy is boundless, but not to be taken for granted.

Ewuro4:
And how born again Christains are superiors and guaranteed Heaven recipients. While others aren't fit for heaven because they didn't renounce their sins and accept Christ as their personal Lord and saviour in church.

Here you've lost me, but I hope you take my point about degrees? Whether termed born-again, or conversion, or repentance of/from sin, whether immediate or gradual, there will be a transformation. Chief amongst them a distaste for anything sinful, or to put it another way, anything that displeases God.

And whilst I'm sure it can happen in church, that was not the case for me. I wouldn't even think that an actual declaration is required, rather a heartfelt acceptance and belief. And yes bible scholars, I know it says "believe in your heart and confess with your mouth", but I believe the confession may and can be ongoing

Some people see the terms as meaning the same thing. I don't. I see fully born-again at the end of the journey, and salvation at the beginning, hence the degrees I spoke of, with a danger of falling away in-between. Hence, I don't really subscribe to "once saved always saved, if born-again is placed at the start of the journey.

Ewuro4:
My spouse was born into baptist and still is, that doesn't make him non-born again.

I believe being born Christian is great and a distinct advantage - but at some point one has to make a personal decision or acknowledgement. I am not, in my belief, prescriptive about how that happens. John 1:13

Ewuro4:
RCCG, Lutheran , Catholic, CAC, MFMite, Alliance, Pentecost... Let God Almighty be the Judge of whom will enter His kingdom , or isn't that what we (believers/ Christ followers) Seek and thrive for?

Like I said, I am not a denominationalist - and I agree, I doubt that God is either. The bible says "The Lord knows those who are His". It ends thus; “Let everyone who names the name of Christ depart from iniquity.”

Ewuro4:
Lutheran & Catholic Churches don't preach cohabitation/sex before marriage so Mr.A just postulated Yeye grounds to dissolve the relationship instead of changing his immoral way of life with his girlfriend and move on.

I moved this as it speaks to the OP. Like I said, Belonging to a denomination, or enunciating a creed, does not mean one is living the Christian life. A has now undergone that conversion and wants to - is convicted to - live it more fully, it's that simple.

It's not about what any church preaches, it's about what an individual practices, based on their beliefs. To be clear, I do not believe being a Catholic, Lutheran etc. does not in itself save. And as much as I would never be a Catholic, and strongly disagree with some of their doctrines, I honestly believe The Lord knows those who are His within the Catholic church. Same for all other denominations.


I hope this has clarified somewhat. Didn't want to get too theologically heavy. Happy to discuss further if you'd like.

Off to the gym, will be back on in 3 or 4 hours.


TV