₦airaland Forum

A woman and a man were involved in car accident.
It was a bad one, caused by the woman’s reckless driving.
Both of their cars were badly damaged but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of … cars, the woman says;
“So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn’t break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she
handed the bottle over to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then
handed it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back
to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police to come and collect their
evidence.”
(drunk driver’s offence)
Adam ate the apple again !
Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!

#Xavier.

1. What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
*Stress is when wife is pregnant;*
*Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant;*
_*Panic is when both are pregnant!*

2. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
*Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away!

3. A young boy asks his Dad: “What is the difference between confident and confidential?
*Dad says: “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential!

4. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman
*“Which book has helped you most in your life?
*The woman replied , “My husband’s cheque book!

5. A prospective husband in a book store: Do you have a book called,_ *Husband the Master of the House?* *Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”

6. Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife Darling, Honey, Love.” What’s the secret?”_
*Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her!*

7. Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day._
*Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!

#Xavier.

Kenneth Emeana bought a brand new SUV and drove it through the streets on his way to inspect a new house. He parked it right in front of this luxury apartment and went inside.
A mentally unstable man saw the brand new 4X4 parked infront of the house, after looking at it he said to himself- “Which kain person the owner of this car be? Ordinary 4×4 hin no sabi”… and so he took a stone and carved just after the 4×4 “=16.”
After Ken Emeana came out and saw it he got angry but went ahead to spray a new coat of paint on the vehicle.
Two weeks later, as he was packing into the apartment the same mad man crossed the street and saw the SUV parked where it was previously and so he said to himself “Which kain olodo be dis?” and so he took a nail and carved in “=16” after the 4×4 then went on his way.
This time P. Ken was so angry by this that when he finished respraying, he instructed them to write 4X4=16.
2 weeks later the mad man came around once more; when he saw the vehicle he walked up to it and looked at it while nodding his head, smiling he picked a thick metal object and wrote under the 4×4=16 “much improvement my boy” then he marked …Good.

#Xavier.

A young boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money… he calls home.
“Dad” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad (IIMA) that will teach our dog, Moti, how to talk!”
“That’s amazing,” his father says. “How do I get Moti in that program?”
“Just send him down here with N500,000” the young boy says “and I’ll get him in the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and N500,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
“So how’s Moti doing son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this- they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”
“Read ??” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Moti in that program?”
“Just send N300,000, I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Moti? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”
“Dad” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left for the Airport, Moti was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does. Then Moti turned to me and asked, so, is your father still having an affair with that pretty Anty Bola who lives down the street ?”
The father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
The kid went on to law school, and is now a Lawyer.

#Xavier.

Hello, Fellow Nairalanders, followers and Viewers of this thread "CHRONICLES OF JOKES", This is to inform you all that you are free to post any Jokes, Funny Memes (pictures), Funny Videos and Funny Audios here to keep the thread moving.
And don't forget to leave a comment, hit the like and share button when you visit or view the thread.
THANKS.

#Xavier.

To fart in public is interesting but if you are caught, it can be very embarrassing. so just follow these guidelines & you are on your way to being a star in this profession.


1. When you enter a hall, check the wind direction, if its a closed hall wit AC, better. Maximum impact.

2. Make sure you face the wind direction. …

3. Make sure say you have enough leg space. U will soon know why.

4. Form Ajebor by crossing your legs every now & then.

5. you are ready to execute, try holding it till the time the hall is noisy in case your you fart is the type that sounds like AK47.

6. Now carefully cross your leg, right over left.

7. Elevate the right butt.

8. Release small (sound check)

9. If no sound, allow the fart flow steady.

10. Allow time for proper circulation.


NOTE:

1. Make sure you are not the first person to complain.

2. When people start to shout “Chai!!! E no go better for the person wey do dis kind thing, ” simply contribute by asking “why the person who fart wont respect the presence of others?”

3. Do not complain more than others or you’ll become a suspect.

4. Quietly leave the area and relocate to another zone then repeat the exercise!

#Xavier.

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a N1,000 note on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough.
She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says. “She gave me N500 change!”

#Xavier.

Malam Sule bought a new bullet proof jeep for N75M. While visiting Warri, he was attacked by armed robbers who rained bullets on his car. To his amazement the car resisted all.
So he started insulting the robbers. One of them gestured that he could not hear him, so Malam Sule brought down his window and shouted: “shege danbura’uba, barawo banza, dan iska ne’ kowei, waka”.
He has since been buried according to Muslim rites.

#Xavier.

A man caught a thief last night in is kitchen. Just when the man was about to raise alarm, the thief said, “Do you remember what I said in the bible? I said I will come like a thief at night.” “I have come again. Blessed are you among men that you’ve stayed awake as I told you.”
Then the man look at the thief, smiled and replied, “Sir, you’ve fallen into the hands of Pontius Pilate again.”

#Xavier.

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When I was child, I was told that if i laugh at people’s conditions, I will be like them in future.
All my life, I have been laughing at Dangote, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet but I’m not like them yet.
What is happening? Or am I not laughing enough??

#Xavier.

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I'm coming, let me go and sip garri.

#Xavier.

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Hello, Fellow Nairalanders, followers and Viewers of this thread "CHRONICLES OF JOKES", This is to inform you all that you are free to post any Jokes, Funny Memes (pictures), Funny Videos and Funny Audios here to keep the thread moving.
And don't forget to leave a comment, hit the like and share button when you visit or view the thread.
THANKS.

#Xavier.

That moment when after much begging, bae says "Go and lock the door first"

AMERICAN GUYS WALLET

1. Dollar bills
2. Id card
3. Credit card

NIGERIAN GUYS WALLET

1. Expired atm card
2 . bet 9ja slip
3. Naira bet slip
4. Tramadol
5. Bet 360 slip
6. National Id card
7. Weed
8. Voters card
9. 12 different passport
10. Toothpick
11. 250 different business card

AMERICAN GIRLS BAG

1. Mobile phone
2. Money
3. Apartment key
4. Atm card
5. Some Chocolate

NIGERIAN GIRLS BAG

1. Hair net
2. Toothbrush
3. Wig
4. Paracetamol
5. Pad
6. Pant
7. Makeup kit
8. Bathing soap
9. Phone charger
10. Andrew liver salt
11. 600naira plus some change

#Xavier.

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Savage . This person no get chill sha. But those messages tho

Omoh, I was so guilty of this.