CoolNL:
I and my siblings grew up in a very dramatic polygamous home, it was both hectic and toxic at a time.

We vowed to break the yoke of polygamy in our family but I don’t know if I’m toeing the line already.

I already have a child with a lady though I didn’t marry her, but we ended our relationship in 2020. We are cool and we are both taking care of our child without troubles, we only talk about our child and we don’t share what’s going on in our lives with each other.

I recently met a girl I plan to marry by the first quarter of next year, she is from a nuclear family and she knows about my family background as well. She’s been asking me what I’ll do if the mother of my child says she won’t allow my child visits or come spend the holidays with me except she is also allowed to come spend the holiday with my child in my house.

The question sounds confusing at the same time funny to me because I don’t know how a woman I stopped seeing since 3 yrs will suddenly say she won’t allow my child visit except she comes along.

That’s not my worry, I want to know if marrying my girlfriend when I already have a child with another woman will make me a polygamist.

Mod please help move to front page

Cc RoyalRoy

if the question sound confusing then i can safely say you still need to mature abit

Your girl is way ahead in thinking or she seen situation like yours straining a relationship

yes both mamas and fathers sometimes tend to became jelousy when their ex marries and create drama from nowhere

as for polygamy you claim to grow in it but seem you dont know the meaning

nlfpmod:
As shared by Vashti Vash Offo:



https://twitter.com/Vash_Offo/status/1660702453648465927?t=iG_-zSFySZJMgg1RI7BOoA&s=08

Mostly in africa and asia we have what we call SHAME CULTURES, you are shamed apon if you do things that are supported by customs and tradition, Divorce is of them, parents and relatives would rather see you endure your marriage than divorce, to them it brings shame to the family

Then you find how society treats divorcees, soon she divorces and she is doing wel for herself society label her as prostitute and own success without a man in sight grand her the title a prostitute.

In church a divorcee is the last person to be respected or given help

So basically the woman would be too afraid to divorce herself she is afraid to shame her family and also afriad how society will treat her. A divorced man is treated better than a divorced woman and usually we have this quick to rush that the woman should have manage her husband no matter how bad it was. Women are taught to tolerate rubbish from husbands while men are taught send her packing and marry another one

In simple terms most women are suffering in silent due to how society looks and treats divorced women so they rather endure the suffering

Hence you find that when they move to western world they divorce their husbands, not becoz the western world has influence them but gave them the opportunity to walk away from toxic marriages that were held together by a shame culture.

Look at the asians most indian and pakistan, divorces are very low due to shame culture and honor killing, women dont even dare to say they want to divorce

There are circumstance were divorce is needed, i wouldnt want by daughter to come back in coffin

I think the guy married his wife as trophy wife, aka you marry the most beautiful wife by appearance and everyone gives you thump up and also the fact that she is a doctor. But with all that you are also very insecure of beauty and her job. She either becames prisoner or less love and affection she is a trophy wife on display

For those blaming the other gender (male or female) you are forgetting one thing, we behaviour and attitude as collective being eg igbo, yoruba or nigerians as whole are based on society's attitude towards eg its women ot how man are supposed to behave etc

What i mean is this i have heard few people saying our girls have entitlement mentality, think deep who gave them the idea and promoted it? its men those who say i will look after you, the guy literally takeover responsibility of the girls parent. Now it
became a measured standard that
if a guy cant do ABCD is not man. Its the poor guys now who get laughed at and not
the girl

My point is society's behaviour is reflection on its self, you cannt blame one gender, if girls feel
entitled who promoted that behaviour its men

JALOZIE:
there is nothing wrong for grand parents to give their children their preferred name its normal. its not something you have to panic about ,eave them.

I think you are missing his point, giving a
name to child is your own honour as parent

If grandparent name child their are taking that honour away from you

Grandparent had the opportunity have child and name them

So why are you taking away that honour from these parents ?

CLATHRIN:


If we claim to love God, we must love each other and help one another. Whoever claims he/she has no obligation to help others does not love God or has no portion in Christ Jesus.

If you or anyone reading this is a Christian, it is a spiritual and necessary obligation to help others. The bible has made this so clear. If I can help you by giving you food when you are hungry but I don't do that or I just wish you well and proclaim that God will take care of you, then I am a fraud. Do you know that in the early church, the bible says that the early christians were carrying each other's burden to the point that "no one had any need that wasn't met"

There's no point rehashing banal platitudes such as the claim that "no one has an obligation to help you"
I have the obligation to help you and that is because I love gGod and loving God means that I have to love you too.

From a bible point of view i get you but reality,especially in africa christrians are even worse these days, they rash to five the papas in church in return double aka plant the seed

What i have learnt and seen in the western world, most charities are not run by churches, but a fellow human, who has seen the need to help people in different situation (humanity) In west we have more charity organisations that the churches and are doing great

With many churches in nigeria, how many charity organisations that are run by churches offer service to both its members and the public?

Some churches have universities
less than 2% are free scholar from both the church and poors families

Darlingme:
This has nothing to do with entitlement mentality.

No one is an island and we all need each other to live peacefully.
So, a man died in my neighborhood and his children has forbidden their rich and wealthy uncles from contributing to the burial. Accordingly to the children, their poor father died of starvation, which they have been appealing to relatives, also his only brother who works in an oil company in PH for assistant and he has always promised to help, but never did. This uncle happens to be the first person to send an ambulance to convey the corpse to the village, and the children rejected his offer.
I don't understand. Why do we have rich family members, friends, yet we suffer poverty?
Why is it always easy for people who can save their fellow humans from death, starvation, depression always ignore them, but once he/she dies, it's easy to raise money for burial.

Even on social media, we bully, humiliate each other, push some people into depression with our words and write up, but once the person commit succid, we tend to start posting pics with lovely write ups. Condemning their suicidal action and blaming them for not voicing out?
why? Is it our environment, social way of behaving?

Have you ever experience any of this? Can you share such experience?
What's your general opinion about this?

Life is a bit complex, as children we usually see life from our parents point view aka they tell you their own version of events and as children we believe them as their are the first people you trust

There is a reason/s why he was neglected when he was alive, its only the dead and the other relatives that knows the truth

Having a rich relatives does t make you rich too, we have gift in making money, if you are
not gifted in making money in your gifted way, even if you are given millions you will blow as you wouldnt be gifted in also making wise decisions with money

There are lots of people who have won the lottery, but failed to manage it and end up being broke more, having rich relatives does make you rich by default

Skyview01:
Ok. This is my personal opinion and do not take it personal as you are entitled to your own opinion as well.

I often hear couples give testimonies about looking for the fruit of the womb for about twenty years and some of them may even be in their fifties or late forties.

My question is, what is stopping these couples from adopting and putting joy in the life of some hopeless baby out there in the motherless homes.

Why are we not able to spread happiness to some hopeless baby while still continue to wait on the lord. Why must we adopt our relatives?

When people tell me they prayed for 15 or 20 years for the fruit of the womb, i consider them with a mixed reaction, some come across to me as selfish to be honest.

You are looking for babies, there are babies out there looking for parents, i believe the law of demand and supply should work here or wada ya think.

If you are out there and looking to God for the fruit of the womb, adoption is a viable option.

I know a lady who had her womb removed during a fibroid operation. She is still praying for the fruit of the womb for the past ten years instead of going to adopt.

one main reason is stigma from society and family

Let me give you example how manu wome women have been dumped or hubby gets a second wife after wife has gave birth to girls only ? So think of the stigma of just having girls and tha one adopting, she might called Not Real mother, statements like you dont know labour pain etc

On hubby is the same, he can be called names for not even being able to have a child, not a real man for not able to have his own child

Most africans shun from
adopting strangers due to spiritual
beliefs , what if the child is cursed, that a no ho area for most africans, hence you find that adopation laws in most african countries are hard, i think there are based on fear of bringing a curse into the family

IamAsiri:


Hence the reason why I wrote "other religions". I am a Christian, so that is the only thing I can quote. See, I have tried making you see light of what I am talking about. No more abeg! If you so wish to beat up your parents/in-laws in future because they are disobedient and disrespectful, then... .

am not a religous person

You how we differ, i dont resolve issues by beating people, i talk and irregardless of who you are, i rather say what i feel and dealt with, that dying inside with anger


one of the reason why black africans we suffer from things like BP its becoz of anger we not
allowed to talk simply becoz this person is an elder this and that

IamAsiri:


You still do not get it. If your boss wrongs you at work, do you talk to him/her anyhow? It also doesn't mean that you can't show your displeasure either; that's where diplomacy comes in. Some people have put themselves into trouble physically and spiritually because of lack of tact.

As a Christian, the Bible says, "let your words be seasoned with salt" and I am sure that other religions will be of the same belief. Nabal (Abigail's husband) was smoten by God because he spoke stupidly to David. David wanted to destroy him by himself before but stopped. Unfortunately, nowadays, some will not stop at any length to destroy people, all because of the way those people addressed them - which could have been avoided with just being diplomatic (saying the very same thing in a much different and subtle manner).

if my boss wrong me personal level, i will respond on personal level, if its about work it would be different

lets not try to protect bad habit of in laws and suffer simply becoz you are daughteor or son i law period

on the bible that one keep to yourself or fellow christians, not everyone uses the bible as a general guidance like you i dont

i will ask you again who supposed to
be more mature to avoid such talk irregardless that the message has been passed on nicely or not ?


Even married people, sometimes hubby or wife s/he will go and see friends. Meaning even married couple they give each other space

Learn to be missed so that u will be always welcome and to be always there and people end up being tired with u

Olril18:

Does that justify the approach he took in addressing the matter?

and the mother in law everyday visits ?

Olril18:

You have been saying nonsense throughout.
Even in real life I’m sure you wouldn’t talk to your own mother-in-law that way.
That’s even if the story is true.

Answer me this question

Who is supposed to be more mature and well acknowledge of life ? son in law or mother in law

JungleJustice01:
Both parents have passed no will was left. I basically leave the rents collected from the house rent to my only younger brother.

Now the house is deteriorating and I want to fix it, like give it a major facelift but the funds will be coming from me entirely. I don't have a personal house of mine but I believe an overhaul of this place can give leverage to increase the rent as it is in a good part of town.

My fear is after this investment, will I be able to recoup any funds? If I am to pass away, will my kids have any access to the property?

I love my brother but I've heard and read stories of human behavior especially in situations where there is no documentation.

What do I do?

its a clear cut for me

You brother is the one benefiting, since he the one living from it he should cut some of the money he is getting and put towards renovating and can you top up

Look at this the house is like a cow for it to be able to produce milk it has to be looked after very well, his include buying feedin supplements for the cow for it to produce more milk, the milk is the money

If there are no good grazing areas and supplements no milk will be produced, aka bad looking house or rooms result in less rent to charge

its not rocket science

Husbandmany:
I'm thinking of having children out of wedlock cos of some personal family issues. I need advice from matured mind who are experienced.

pliz give us yo full story which had you think like that

what benefit do you have from having kids outside wedlock

Jodera:
Lol... Two wrongs doesn't make a right.
The mother in-law is wrong for always visiting and intruding in their privacy
The husband is also wrong for talking to the mother in-law that way.

I mean, to even talk to an elder that way is bad enough how much more someone whose daughter you love and cherish so much. C'mon na.

There are many wise ways to talk to someone who did wrong and the message will be effectively passed and not only would your conscience be clear but the person who did wrong would know and accept his/her fault without feeling bad.

That's so so wrong on his part

i agree with you that both are wrong

the problem am having with most people is their busy bashing the guy without also addressing the bad habit of the mum

some are busy putting attachment issues, the your own mum theory etc

Reality here based on common general rule whos should be wiser here ? the hubby or mother in law ? if the question is answered TRUTHFULLY then we know who is the problem

Were i came from we say, "if you play too long with children, they end seeing you as one of them (a child) and when they start to call you by name dont cry foul"

fxexperts:
Left alone to do what. In this life parents should never allow their children to get married to a man or woman from a dysfunctional home. Op is obviously from a dysfunctional home.

dont jump into conclusion, its called giving space

why most people are rushing o conclude that he doesnt not want them at his house, he want them but not everyday

Unseen:


Read the topic. It says who would you prefer to live with you
And not
Should any of them live with you.

Forgot to put NONE

the rest i was explaining what i would take as an exception and views why am against in laws

vickydevoka:

50/50 has never happened anywhere aside westerners. They westerners share everything 50/50 including chores

i dont know were most african get this infor that people in the west do 50/50

if both 50/50 where does the other 50 go to ?

The western world is designed this way

If two people are married and want mortagage and want finish it early, it advised to put you salaries together to reduce the number of years you would spend on mortgage, the two salaries give you that opportunity to finish early

So basically you are all putting 100% each not 50/50

how they calculate is the two salaries are taken as house hold income minus all your expenses

So two salaries are better than one

Then on chores, that depends on each family dynamics and its not 50/50, women still do most of the work becoz most families still have those traditional roles in their families.

There are certain dynamics that most africa
based people will never understand untill they move here and see for themselves eg most nurse hours are 12 hour shifts

so 7am -7pm so imagine hubby does a 9-5 job while wife does 7am -7pm so hubby will get home before wife, if hubby want proper african food, it mean wife will have to stand for another average 2 hrs on top of the 12 hr shift

if they have kids, kids needs bathing, home work etc on top of that hubby wants sex

remember this western world, even the middleclass cant afford a maid,

with this dynamic step up, if hubby doesnt step in helping it will affect their marriage either one has to cut working hours as way to maintain traditional roles aka wife doing traditional
house chores and hubby doing his


Even when both are doing 9-5, when you have kids, they need to be dropped and picked from
skol, meaning you have to fork out money for breakfast club and after skol care all these needs transparent in terms of salaries in the home


Whereas in africa half of
our women are housewives period and we can
afford cheap labour of maid, there woman in africa has no clue how tiring is a 12hr shift, ahe thinks the western lady is just being lazy

Nice2023:




Material things does not make children to spoil but lack of it.

you missed my point

my point is sometimes we spent time and effort on material things while we forget to teach things, especially things you found out later in life that if own parents had taught you or advised you, you would be far way better or mastered something ealier etc

IamAsiri:


Yes, I agree with you that the man did no wrong setting boundaries for his home. It is however the way he has chosen to set these boundaries that is a very big issue here. I am at a loss for words at the way he spoke to not just an elderly person but his own MIL. Some of these young men of nowadays just keep getting dumber and dumber in the name of forming alpha male and redpiller, forgetting where their boundaries lie (I pity the young wife though while still hoping that he is faulted in just few areas sha).

please lets not be biased becoz it was a parent at wrong

who is supposed to be wiser here, its the son in law or the mother in law?

i keep repeating myself, unless the mother in law lived far away from general population were you have chance to see other mistakes people do in marriages then i might accept her ignorance of daily visits

But however, becoz she is now a mother in law i believe she has liver enough to understand the dynamics couples with their respective in laws

So my question is who should be wiser here, the husband who is likely to be the same age as her own daughter or the mother in law ?

Who has observed and seen more marriage dynamics the husband or mother in law?

Food for thought

IamAsiri:


So, you wouldn't mind if your wife talked this way to your mum if she did not "respect" the marriage?

1 i wouldnt allow my mother to visit me everyday for what ? if my father is alive she should with him or with own friends

2 why are only focusing only on the guy, the mother in law should know better, unless her own mother in law was like and learnt it from her

3 whats that important that they need to see each other everyday, wife should find a hobby or make friends of her own

IamAsiri:


You are obviously not married and definitely still young. I am surprised at these things I am reading on Nairaland. An elderly person is not trained well because she is regularly visiting her daughter?

Zimdrill, regular visitation does not indicate training; it only shows one's level of attachment. Being clingy (if at all that's the case here) does not even prove insensitivity. I apologize beforehand but you really need to learn more about wisdom.

Read again i mentioned regular as exception
not everyday as mentioned in the thread

attachment my arse, like i have asked few people does the mother in law's mother visit her everyday because of attachment ?

ChybuzzDD:


You're actually the one that's not getting it, not the other guy above.

If you really want stability in your home, why would you prefer to have 2 women who would most likely gang up against you?

The best thing in this case is to avoid both the mother and mother inlaw.

very true, the same a man can do, gang up on his wife with his mum

reality is sometimes we feel that he and his mum are ganging up or she and her mum
are ganging up

so to avoid this thoughts let the two mother not be around, visits yes and with exception of illness

Workch:
I saw a thread Today a guy who got uncomfortable with his mother inlaw having to come to his house too frequently.

So it crossed my mind, while some People really cherish their privacy, I as a person will not mind to have my mother inlaw come stay with me as it has its own advantages (I am not saying there are no disadvantages).

So the question is, your mom or your mother inlaw, who will you prefer to come stay with your family if one of them has to live in your house a as a man?

For me, I will prefer my mother inlaw for many reasons. It's not like my mom is a bad person, she's a very good woman but I will not have her come stay in my house because women like to compete with themselves irrespective of age differences. No matter how nice your mom and wife will be, they will have differences at some point that can lead to altercation. It's impossible to keep two women with different backgrounds under the same roof without some sort of issues.
As a man, it's your responsibility to manage them with wisdom.

1.You are more likely to observe more altercations between your mom and your wife than between your wife and her mom.

2. Altercations between your mom and your wife is more difficult to manage than when it's between your wife and her mom. You cannot obviously take sides when this issue is between your mom and your wife because women are more emotional hence less logical than men, they will allow emotions ruin everything if you take sides.
You can easily caution both parties freely if the issue is between your wife and her mom without anyone of them feeling that you are taking undue sides.


So for me, I will rather avoid too much wahala and have my mother inlaw stay. So how about you?

yourself, before you choose who to live with between your mother and mother in law, did your own mother or your mother in law lived with their mother or mother in laws? and was it really ok for them, under normal circumstances whereby they their own homes and are not sick

The reason am asking is this there are mothers and mother in laws who want to live with their married children but they wouldnt want to live with their mothers and mother in laws in their own married houses

Then why would think its ok to for their own children to take them in when themselves wouldnt want to live in the same condition

Unseen:


If your mum won't stay with you, then nobody will.
If your wife does not want her own mother to stay with her, she will rather not choose at all than choose your mother.

The option should never be between your mom and hers ...
The option should be either your mom or nobody

LEARN!!!

NONE


if there is no illness

they should stay at their homes and play with their age mates period

The rest is regular visits

The honest truth is no daughter in law or son in law what to stay with in laws for a long time.

Your freedom to be yourself is capped when their around, you would act and behave to pliz them, there are certian things that can be fine with your and hubby/wife but wont be tolerated by in laws due to generational gap

So let not determine personal/couples freedom it important for a couples

No matter how good is your in laws, your relaxation with them and while with hubby/wife is total different

Skyview01:


A lot of the shit my MIl tried in my house, my own mum could not have tried that because she knows me.

Always set boundaries in your home as early as possible. You are married to her daughter not MIL.

i agree with you mate

sharone21:


Op may not be helping wifey with house chores and Mama wants to lessen her baby girl's work load, so her frequent visits which Op may not understand.

If they want to make out in the day time, they can still shift it to night time naw when Mama is in her own house or even go into their room for it and lock the door, with time Mama will understand the handwriting on the wall.

Wisdom is profitable.

lets not put scenarios that were not given like load work etc

look at this her everyday visit suggest that this couple is newly weds, there sex wise they want to experiement eg during the day not at night with lights off

for me i can not be forced to change the times i want sex by a third person, the frustration can be too much eg wait until mums go back to her house

PROPEACE:

My mother lives close to my sister's matrimonial home, she seldom ever goes there! And they are quite close. They chat on phone and my sister visits them, most times with her husband! It is a sign of shamelessness for a parent to be frequently found in their daughter's matrimonial home, only irresponsible mother's do that and if they are lucky enough to have bold men like OP as sons-in-law, they will certainly hear the truth! And in answer to your last question about my age, I am old enough to knock common sense into your impervious brain!

most people are being biased simply becoz of attachment to parents and fear of telling parents the truth. Except for those who live with their fathers and mothers, the rest how often does your maternal grandmother visits your mother? is it everyday ? most would say not everyday

The one of the reason why grandmother doesbt visit your mum everyday, is letting her live het own life while granny live hers while regular visit are there NOT everyday visits

IamAsiri:


And he wasn't trained well enough to know the best way to address such an issue? He couldn't make light of it and laugh it off while passing the same message to his MIL?

He has definitely put his mum into trouble - that's if she's still alive though. If she is, he'd better involve her in the reconciliation process.

ok lets say he wasnt trained well
to address issues, but what do we say about the mother in law? wasnt she also trained well too, everyday visit i wouldnt like them too

The way i see, the fact she is now a mother in law, age and mature wise she should know better. The only reason i would accept for mother in law doing regular visits is when the son in law is loaded and she is coming to enjoy the life style

Romanoff:


If it was his mother, will he talk to her like that?
I feel sorry for the woman that married a poorly raised sycophant like him.

A simple talk with his wife would have fixed it. "Honey, don't you think your mum visits us too often, seeing that we are newly weds? I think you should talk to her so she can reduce her visits"

If that approach doesn't work, talk to FIL.

But no, he decided to disrespect his MIL like a child raised from the gutter.

If his wife puts the bed, isn't it her mother that will still come for Omugwo?

The geh sef no get sense, you talk to my mother like that, I'll wait for your own mother for front. Let all of us kuku be mannerless and uncultured.

i said it earlier to someone, lets say thats how he talks to his mother aka direct talk then what?

Does the way he talks to his mother changes the mother in law coming everyday ? NO



telling someone my thought of their actions is not being rude or disrespecting Nope problem is that again culture and tradition has groomed us to accept bullshit from elder without considering how whoever is view as young or son/daughter in law feels and this has been passed on generation to generation

those talking of omugwo, its culture and tradition i respect that but also you can do it without her if you want unfortunately for most we cant think outside the box becoz were groomed not think outside the box

Hence we see thoughts and view of such people are undermined and the undermined cant wait until they get to thats position where they abuse the position of being an elder etc

What is wrong in telling an elder that whatever their doing is not good for you ? In
this case the mother in law was asked to reduce her daily visits Not as most people are rushing to conclude to say she has been asked not come anymore

Then those who are saying, its her only daughter etc and so, mother in law should be chilling with her agemates

Romanoff:
Women dey marry idiots. People no longer have regard for elderly or the marriage institution.

You did something terribly wrong and you're in a forum where children will hail you for validation. When something goes wrong with your wife that will need the intervention of your family and hers, which mouth will you use to appeal to her family since you've decided to burn the bridge that will take you there?

It's men like you that will say "your mother comes first before your wife", it's still men like you that will bring down thunder and brimstone when your wife disrespects your mother.

One thing I've learned on life is to treat people the way you'd want to be treated.

The food wey you dey cook dey front dey wait for you.

lets take your version children nolonger have regards for adults, but does adult have regards for newly married ? its a two ways system not one way

victorVIC1:


If you had also communicated decently, you obviously won't get such feedback. You get no further response from me

thats were you wrong, quoting you doesnt mean i expect further respond becoz u can actually ignore me and i wont be bothered

linearity:


I do not know why we sometimes think that, being passive is the right thing and way to go!

The mother's right to check on them stop at their own right to privacy. You can not put it upon yourself to check me and expect me to passively agree to it, I also have rights, I have the right to say No, or they suggest when and how such visits should occur.

This is no longer the mother's family, they gave their daughter away, from the OP comments, it appears the wife i.e. the mother's own daughter is siding with the husband and the reason she did not do it herself is because it might seem callous coming from her.

Coming on omogwu is at the discretion on the husband and the wife, how long stays is also at their discretion.

I do not see it as a disrespect, in Nigeria we have the mistaken default position that, elders are always right and we should always bow to their wishes, that is not true, the mother was in the wrong here and the husband as the head of that home had to put his feet down and say enough is enough period!

i agree we pass on bad habits by default of being elders hence we keep on repeating the same mistakes generation to generatiob and now call it its our culture

Mun should have non better how guys are 1st borns or only son and does their fathers check on them all the time ?No

Most people are biased simply becoz it parent doing it and we dont see nothing wrong with it becoz culture and tradition groomed us to question elders or correct them . Hence most people will focus on the wrong thing, than
the parent doing wrong things

victorVIC1:


You obviously lack comprehension ability. Idiot

just answer the question accordingly to who's time, space etc