Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? - Family (11) - Nairaland
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| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 12:29am On May 04, 2012 |
I don't even understand why these guys are killing themselves here, They should get help from his brothers and cousin at this time and not his wife to be,It is not only the man that marries wife but the entire kindred. In my family, the guys pool funds together whenever one of them is getting married, it is the duty of the guys family to pay everything,they help each other out. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by igosee: 12:32am On May 04, 2012 |
Your guy thinks he is doing a favour, if he loves you and need your help, he will beg you for assistance but not by force or saying shebi you have money do it. it is not your duty, no matter what. He supposed to say, please help me out and give me a loan and i will return back to you once i am stable but not that it is your duty. You may deceive to give your money to your parents, that is not his business for now, no matter how much you have is not his business for now until both of you are married, expect he thinks he is doing a favour or age is not on your side i think he is not financially ready for marriage, that is the truth and you should not force him, if he is not ready, shift the the wedding date it is not by force that you will assist him but it should be by your free mind , let say please i do not have much money now and i do not know what to do and you say ok i have so so amount, use it to add, You can do a court wedding or church blessing, it is ok. Must it be a wedding, cut your coat according to your side, do not follow the crowd Men who suffered the cost of marrying their wife respect their wives but those do not think marraige is easy, afterall you forced yourself on me........ you can assist him but must be on your free mind to cover his shame but not that it is by force or that because you have the money, that you must do it, never otherwise you will regret it later |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by igosee: 12:39am On May 04, 2012 |
You can do a court wedding or church blessing or let him have a committee of friends and he will tell them how much he has and his committee of friends will assist him to finance his wedding, in my church, we have do so for many people. He has friends, let him set up of committe of friend with good minded people, his best friend and family, with a good chairman overseeing the committee of friends and before you know it, the marriage thing is all settled., after you are married, you can bring your money to assist setting up the house.... but the marriage thing should be to the man, his friends efforts and family and not you. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Fhemmmy: 12:54am On May 04, 2012 |
KaimaTee: I don't even understand why these guys are killing themselves here, They should get help from his brothers and cousin at this time and not his wife to be,It is not only the man that marries wife but the entire kindred. In my family, the guys pool funds together whenever one of them is getting married, it is the duty of the guys family to pay everything,they help each other out. Family of the woman always ought to take care of the reception . . . Not sure of how it is done in Nigeria sha, |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by igosee: 1:11am On May 04, 2012 |
Fhemmmy: They can play part not all, they supposed to play some part in feeding and drinks if they lady parents are residing with them at the same city or state but if for examplet they couple are living in lagos or abuja and the lady parents are living in owerri, they have not part to play but can only buy gifts to give the couple, things like household equipment or whatever they wish to give their daughter as wellfare |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Fhemmmy: 1:14am On May 04, 2012 |
igosee: Interesting , , , , |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 1:28am On May 04, 2012 |
I have not read the whole thread but from what I've read, I can see that the men being up in arms about the whole thing may be failing to read between the lines here. The fact is, the guy has always known that he is supposed to foot the wedding bill. He then slowly dips his hand into the money he planned for the wedding till he nearly exhausts it all. And by the way there was no emergency here. His rent was always going to expire in September so he would have had to pay up for another lease whether or not he is getting married. If renovating the home was going to cost that much, could he not just have done the vital renovations and left the rest for later? If he felt the level of responsibility for the wedding that is expected of him, shouldn't there have come a point where he took stock of things and stopped dipping into the money planned for the wedding? This is May, the wedding is in August, could he not have done the renovations bit by bit with his monthly income in that time? To those making noise about him using the money for the home they will live, let me ask. If the wedding does not go on, will he not go ahead and live in that house by himself still? The fact is wedding or not, he needed to move somewhere else. It sounds to me like he probably always wanted the OP to pay for the wedding. Shebi you have money? This just demonstrates his callous attitude to the whole thing. To me, this shows that this is a calculated move on the guys part. He has always resented the fact that she has money and he has to be the one pay for the wedding. He had his eye them using her money all along. Why was he not upfront about this from the start is my question. He may not be really invested in marrying the OP in the first place so he may not want to pony up all that money for the wedding. If he had asked for them to cut down on the wedding expenses and have a smaller wedding, that would be more sensible to me instead of saying shebi you have money so pay for the bulk of your own wedding to me! I have no problem with women contributing to their own weddings. I have a problem with this guy's motivations. @ OP, ultimately you know him better the us; if you really believe he really wants to marry you and you believe his heart is pure, then you should contribute some money and loan him some. 80% is way too much though. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by agiboma(f): 2:19am On May 04, 2012 |
I didnt read through this thread because its tooo long, anyways at teh end of the day you should help pay, in western world both men and women pay for the wedding day, so i dont see the big deal in this. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 2:41am On May 04, 2012 |
first things first, I have to say the mentality of some ladies who have commented on this issue is disturbing, @op There is simply one word to Describe you, and that is selfishness. From your posts you have no intention of paying anything for this wedding. I would expect that since you are fully aware of what your husband to be (obviously not anymore) did with his money, you would have been willing to support him, even without him asking you for a dime. I think posters before me have adequately dealt with your attitude. But what I wanted to point out to all those who have carefully held on to how the guy asked "shebi u have ür own money" please allow me do a little analysis. I honestly believe that this statement was a result or rather an end product of a discussion the op had with her fiancé. Why? Because the word "shebi" which is in pidgin means "afterall" in English language, which in my humble opinion is a word that is used to conclude a statement, or an argument as the case might be. It therefore means that the word could have been said after the op asked the man to go and borrow. Which in my mind is a more logical path of discussion than what the op has painted. ( my point of view though) having made that point, it is also worthy to note that when people don't wanna do certain things they simply look for a flaw in the method of presentation to hold on to as justification. And even if he actually said it the way the op has painted, I also think the hussy could be forgiven, because putting myself in his shoes I am trying to imagine what I would have said to such a woman (probably worse). Because I just can't imagine myself going through all that stress and then my supposed companion who I had confided in about everything now suggesting that I go and borrow.... Infact wedding don end be that.... If she can't support me, I wonder who will. I hope the op has been reading through the replies and has learnt a thing or two. If she likes let her continue in her mentality. ( and for anyone waiting for that tall rich and handsome guy, please don't give up on your dream, have faith like Abraham and Sarah, it will surely delay but it must come to pass.....after u don turn to broda....) 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Ivynwa(f): 2:47am On May 04, 2012 |
What kind of "Shebi you have money/little kids" couple is this? How can a world that has "a man is the one that marries a woman" written on the tablet of time turn around and tell a woman to pay for a man to marry her? There is nothing wrong with the woman contributing and SUPPORTING the man in the wedding but it is not right for the girl to bear almost all the financial weight of the wedding on her shoulder. Haba! Women have dignity too just like men and wants to feel married by a man. The lack of communication and planning between the couple is amazing. How can the man take the bulk of the money meant for the wedding and divert it to the accommodation without first sitting down to map out a better plan with the fiancee. He knew she has money and should have talked her into supporting him with the accommodation/rent----that way he will still have some money left to marry his woman. If they realize that they don't have enough money after paying for the accommodation together, they can equally shift things [b]IN ONE ACCORD [/b]by 3 or 4 months or have a low key wedding. How can he spend the money with which he wanted to marry his woman first without planning well and was blindly hoping on the fiancee's money and like two kids bickering telling her "shebi you have money". Na so im papa play child's play marry im mama. There is nothing wrong with 30% of his money + 10% of her money or(even 30% of her money if she can afford to pay that)= rent for the new place Man still has money left to do 30% of his money + 10% of her money= wedding They don't even have to use all that they have to wed and find a cutie cutie apartment only to starve later. They should plan together in a manner that will be comfortable for them. The girl is no doubt unhappy with the arrangement which is why she spoke out. It is not every woman that will be comfortable to bear the near full financial weight of her wedding. If they have planned better together, the accommodation problem would have been solved by both with the man having money left to marry his wife. Couples share, in marriage too there are times a woman take on things when a man is financially down but when it comes to the man marrying the woman, the thin line that has it that a man marries a woman should not be crossed. 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by blacklion(m): 5:07am On May 04, 2012 |
Ivynwa: Haba! Women have dignity too just like men and wants to feel married by a man. I thought man and woman come together to marry each other? Or are we still doing it the traditional way of our ancestors in which a man 'takes a wife'? Western women have dignity too and their culture is for the woman's family to bear most of the costs or the couple splits the wedding bill 50/50.  Is it not you naija woman that are agitating to enjoy the same legal rights and social protections as Western women?   Ehen! If you want to enjoy the same rights as oyibo women, you must bear the same burden as they do! Una want chop Western cake and turn round to still eat naija cake  Equality of men and women must be across the board including wedding expenses  |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by blacklion(m): 5:47am On May 04, 2012 |
I can see some ladies don't really understand the rent issue. For the benefit of our abroad-based ladies who keep banging on about the man being shady because he would have had to pay the rent in September anyway, here is how the real estate market really works in Lagos and how it impacted the OP's fiance's spending decisions. A new tenant in Lagos usually pays 2 years rent plus agency and legal fees; some landlords demand a non-refundable 'caution' deposit. Each of these additional fees could be 5% or 10% or even 20% of the 2 years rent as dictated by the landlord and the agent. So the agency and legal fees on an apartment that goes for 1m/yr can easily be an extra 400k @ 10% agency and 10% legal i.e. 2.4m in total. Unless a new building, the tenant now has to pay for repairs and renovations to make place habitable because the former tenant would have removed any fixtures he installed, ripped out electrical fittings, made vents in the walls for AC etc, etc. An old tenant renewing pays only a year's rent. No agency or legal fees again. No repairs/renovations required. Old tenants usually pay a lower rent than a new tenant in the same building. Now imagine OP's HTB was paying rent of 500k per annum as an 'old tenant' at Anthony Village or Mende. He has 1m available to him right now. He budgeted 500k for the wedding and the other 500k to renew the rent. Suddenly, he has to evacuate because the building is caving in. To get an equivalent apartment in those areas today (and God is with him), he has to pay at least 700-800k. If he is extremely very lucky, he may find an old, dingy building in a run-down section of that area for 600-700k and the landlord agrees to take one year. He will still have to pay agency and legal on the one year rent (i.e.600-700k plus another 120-140k). He then has to renovate which pretty much swallows up the entire 1m he has available. Even if he were to look elsewhere, to get a decent apartment in any reasonably habitable area of Lagos today, you are looking at least 400k plus x 2 yrs as rent only; you then add 10% agency and 10% legal fees. Plus cost of renovations. Either which way, I can perfectly understand how OP's HTB could have spent most or even the entire amount budgeted for the wedding on getting another apartment and now has very little or nothing left for the wedding. So yes, an unexpected need to relocate to another apartment in Lagos can possibly put a man in OP' HTB's position. Meanwhile, I read the other thread. Its does seem that OP is the one pushing her HTB into marriage. The guy is prolly reluctant to marry her for whatever reason but because they've been together so long, he finds it difficult to tell her straight so he keeps prevaricating with hope she will get tired and leave. My view is that this wedding should be postponed until both parties sort out the fundamental issues between them. For the record, I don't like OP's advising her HTB to borrow money to marry her; it creates the impression that she is a woman that will readily push him into crime or rituals just to get money to meet her demands. BTW, yes, many landlords let out uncompleted buildings in Lagos and thereby force tenants to complete their houses for them. If you don't like, you waka. Rent is a seller's market in Lagos. Too much money chasing too few available houses. That's why there are so many rental scams everyday in Lagos cos dubious agents exploit people desperate for accommodation. 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 6:44am On May 04, 2012 |
2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 7:07am On May 04, 2012 |
chaircover - thank you my sister. the mans attitude stinks. if you read what I wrote earlier u will see how that "sebi you have money" can be used for all sorts of things |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by 9lifes(m): 7:40am On May 04, 2012 |
My questions is,why do people see the wrong signs and still proceed to get married? No communication,no proper financial planning,No trust..and they want to get married? 1 Like |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 8:13am On May 04, 2012 |
9lifes: My questions is,why do people see the wrong signs and still proceed to get married?Abi oooo. As if some1 put a gun to his head and ordered him to marry her. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by dabrake(m): 8:22am On May 04, 2012 |
luckgames: [/color]quintriple amen. May no evil agenda cause conflict in her marrige. When next people gather in her name, may it not be the death of one of them or divorce or loss of asset or cancer. Let it be the birth of a new member, finacial breakthrough, public show of love, . . . May thy children never make you shed tears of sorrow. In anything you do, may God almighty bless the work of your hands and that of your entire family. May your parents never bury you or your husband or your children. Same for slimyem and busy body. As for others, may a naomi campbell come between you both and should you divorce, may you never see a good man. If you see, may he be far more problematic than SEXKILLZ. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Tgirl4real(f): 8:36am On May 04, 2012 |
For once, letz take our eyes away from the nonchalant attitude of the guy. From her previous posts, it's obvious they both have issues. To the main cruz of d matter, wife supporting hubby. In yoruba land, the wife's family is responsible for the wedding. The groom's primary expenses is to provide all the engagement materials, pay d dowry if and when necessary and other small, small change they collect. He is also expected to buy all the bride's clothing item for the entire programme. The wife's family handles the feeding and drinking at the engagenent cos ideally, it should hold at the bride's father's house. The wife's family rents the reception hall for the wedding cos they are the host. The bride's father takes care of the invites. Any member of the family can support with the cake. Then, food and drinks can be arranged by both families. In a situation where one family is not financially strong, the family that is richer helps lighten the burden. That is what we call 'agaya jo wo lafin sanya'. Abeg no mind my yoruba blunder. In a nutshell, yoruba's support eachother during major events. Moreover, our parents should be responsible for our wedding. We are only to support where necessary. Its just that some of us have gain financial independence before settling and in such cases, we are expected to contribute more. 1 Like |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Claus(m): 10:40am On May 04, 2012 |
If nothing else, this topic has really helped to bring out some traditional mindsets that many do not want to let go of. As I've mentioned before, tradition is a function of time. Many of our traditions originated for practical reasons. Long after those practical issues have been resolved, we still carry on with the traditions just because it is our culture. I feel that any traditional practices that are unfair (including those that are unfair to women) or serve no practical purpose should die a natural death or be reduced to just ceremonial practices. Personally I don't see anything wrong with a woman paying 80% of the wedding costs if that is their relative financial strength leading up to the wedding. My mind holds no such boundaries. There are still some traditional practices that prevent women from inheriting property from their own fathers. Also there was a time it was almost taboo to marry outside of your tribe or race. It took some forward thinking and brave people to begin to break that mould and bring about social change. We can look at this couple and decide that they don't have the characters to take that kind of step and that's fine. However, in principle, I would applaud any progressive and courageous couple who are happy to break the mould in an example like wedding costs. Basing this just on principle without getting distracted about whether someone said "shebi" or not, I think it's perfectly ok for a woman to pay 80% (or whatever %) of the wedding costs if that is what the circumstances dictate. The only caveat is that the couple should have the character to deal with any regressive attitude their society may potentially throw at them, just like inter racial couples may have had to do generations ago. 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by stagger: 10:41am On May 04, 2012 |
In the guy's interest, he should foot the bill. I did my wedding and paid my house rent the same week that I did my wedding. It is all about planning. If the wedding ceremony needs to be postponed, then it should happen. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Omonpp(m): 11:01am On May 04, 2012 |
@ Jennykadry continue to be a solid igbo girl, in this age and time, that is why ladies from that part always marry very late, or end up doing small wedding. Just relax and be waiting for a man that will rent an apartment, furnish it, get a car, and then plan for a wedding alone. Menopause now comes earlier. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by bigl: 11:06am On May 04, 2012 |
@Op: go give d man d damn money and get d damn weddin done before he sees another girl and decides he's no longer interested in u. Not cos he doesn't love u but cos of this attitude |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 11:06am On May 04, 2012 |
jennykadry: When the economy started going bad? Do you live elsewhere? How much do you even have? Ur type marries and kills the dude and fcuks around. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Assalaam(f): 11:11am On May 04, 2012 |
@poster, pls be wise when doing it because it can turn to another thing b4 u know it. Im a living example, i took up everything both rent and the wedding expenses because he was having challenges with his work then and the preparation was in pipeline. Infact, the main reason while i did those things is because i dont want my family to see him and his family as poor because it will reduce the respect they command(which i built anyway) but to my surprise its this family of his that told him that its desperacy that made me to do those thing and he believe them(which still baffles me till today) and b4 i know it all what i have been working for years b4 knowing him and even during the period just end. Im just getting use to the reality, so my sister be wise and moderate when doing it especially as it concern wedding ceremony. Dont let them take ur generosity for something else because i dont think there is anything that hurt like it. 1 Like |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 11:13am On May 04, 2012 |
Sealeddeal: Everything has a way it is done.no woman should contribute money for her marriage though white wedding may be considered in some ways.to me,the man should've asked his wife-to-be to help in the accomodation issue so dat he'll use his own money for the wedding though all be the same thing but they might make different meaning to different people. Marriage is better hot and wedding cold. But women do not see it that way. Economy is harsh world over! If the women won't bring in let them keep quiet and allow the process to be low key. Spend all you have and live a pauper thereafter. I know when women start funding these crazy traditional, court and white weddings, we will start doing only one. They reason better when it is from their pocket. I noticed older ladies contribute to their wedding and marriage even without the man knowing or asking but these never-worked women will never see any reasons. Only to play widow sympathy when the dude has kicked the bucket because of pressure and stress. A lady helped her husband out last two weeks in Owerri, may be because she is older. She told me she told her mum if they do not allow her to go with her hubby (they were demanding more cash and locked her up) she will remain in the village with them. Again she told me the man wouldn't have minded 'boning her forever' that she knows him. And he came in from Germany oh. Have you ever wondered why men are searching for a wife and when women are searching for a husband? Men get attracted by the body and stay for long because of good character and sense of reasoning while women look for made men. 1 Like |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by wesleychidi(m): 11:15am On May 04, 2012 |
@chinwe11, reading what u wrote and d response given by so many pple(which I guess are women)says a lot about our women folk(no disrespect intended).u didn't say what happened before ur fiance made that statement "shebi u have money",u might have bin pressurizing him abt d august wedding wen u cld see that he has exhausted all his money on a house/home for both of u and as a human,he was irritated and answered as such.U sound as if u don't know what marriage is all about and as if u just want to get married so as to join d band wagon.u have to be ready to sacrifice.culure or no culture and since u know ur man's income u shd be ready to stand by him.what do u want to do with ur money if u can't assist ur man in ur own wedding?u want to sew clothes wit ur moni?and why would ur man borrow wen he has u and u are working?what are u working for? U women want to be treated as queens and princesses but u don't know how to earn it. Believe me,there are wonderful men out there that don't take good women for granted so help if u can but don't encourage ur fiance to borrow moni for ur wedding if u can afford it. God bless u as u make d right decision. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 11:20am On May 04, 2012 |
Omonpp: @ Jennykadry continue to be a solid igbo girl, in this age and time, that is why ladies from that part always marry very late, or end up doing small wedding. Just relax and be waiting for a man that will rent an apartment, furnish it, get a car, and then plan for a wedding alone. Menopause now comes earlier. Shuush, late marriage happens in every tribe so shut up. I have a lot of Yoruba and Edo friends who aren't married and are in their late thirties so Shuush wil you? |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by blaksril(m): 11:21am On May 04, 2012 |
OMG!!! Wat a selfish woman!!! Ur attitude cud doom ur marriage from d start. |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 11:25am On May 04, 2012 |
wesleychidi: @chinwe11, reading what u wrote and d response given by so many pple(which I guess are women)says a lot about our women folk(no disrespect intended).U women want to be treated as queens and princesses but u don't know how to earn it Lmao how do we earn respect? By paying for our own bride price and sponsoring our own weddings? Hahahahaha. You should be ashamed of yourself for even typing that |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 11:29am On May 04, 2012 |
jennykadry: Why marrying sef? Make sure u kill only one man in ur quest! |
| Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 11:34am On May 04, 2012 |
igosee: Your guy thinks he is doing a favour, if he loves you and need your help, he will beg you for assistance but not by force or saying shebi you have money do it. it is not your duty, no matter what. He supposed to say, please help me out and give me a loan and i will return back to you once i am stable but not that it is your duty. You may deceive to give your money to your parents, that is not his business for now, no matter how much you have is not his business for now until both of you are married, expect he thinks he is doing a favour or age is not on your side Your analysis? But I see so much of the battery from guys that spent pieces. If won't pitch in, help keep it low key. If he has and wants to lavish and you concur...so be it. |
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