UPDATE:::

i repeated all of my concerns to his senior sister especially the Alcohol because he already has liver problems which can result in a transplant and even death!!
His mum is boarding a flight from lagos to london today or tomorrow morning to sort it out. They really panicked but i felt i had no choice.
i dont know how he will react when he sees his mum but my heart is beating heavy out of anxiety i dont want him to feel betrayed but i understand i have to stop enabling him.

Thank u all!!!Bleep

ebonflex:


My only question is, why did you marry this guy again? Did you not use your own mouth to say he has always been that way?
I'm guessing you got caught up with all that clubbing swag he has and didnt really think things through. Poor dear, i dont know what to tell you practically. I would have told you to talk to his parents, but it seems his whole family is the useless type.

Again, not sure what you were thinking when you married into this.
Prayer is the only thing you can do now.

i would like to correct one thing. I met my husband wen he was 24 and i was 20 yes he clubbed but not frequently how many people didnt club at 24 We lived out of london for 2years before moving to london where he had easy access to many people good and bad but he chose to follow the bad. If it wasnt for the close move im sure i wouldnt have discovered this side of him.

hulega:
After carefully studying your post and personal text in your profile, I do not think you deserve pity as I can confidently say you brought this on yourself. Your husband was always the way he is now, but you chose to ignore the signals because you were carried away by how handsome he is. Also you must have ignored reasonable advise before marrying this man as you appear arrogant if your personal text is anything to go by. My dear east african beauty, leave with your decision.

Why would it hurt anyone if I refer to myself as 'East African beauty' and is it wrong to marry a handsome man? Because I find him handsome doesn't mean every girl will. Please read and understand well before replying anything it would have been easier for to to pass by silently than making invalid points.

If u want to attract a girl with money then of course that what she will be attracted to. There are so many other qualities u can put to the forefront that a girl will love. A girl can love a broke guy for as long as he shows he loves her it doesn't start and end with money. But work hard and avoid being a burden. Live within your means.

Trust me u are out of his league for now. His level of maturity is that of a man that's seen it all while your stuck where u are looking for fun and long nights out with friends. If its marriage your looking towards learn from me he's the perfect guy u won't go to bed crying at night. If it's party you want to do know that it doesn't last forever I don't see what people enjoy in clubbing it's something that should sease after uni!!

Oliviaarims:
Just 5 months and the boats already rocking? Too bad...There's no need 4 us 2 be reiterating d fact that 5yrs ov courtship ought to have been ample time to understudy ur intended husband properly.
But,putting aside the the blinding hurt caused by his ill-treatment of u and lack ov responsibility, have yhu ever taken the time since ur problems strtid ,to talk things through with him? Like a heart to heart talk during one of his sober moments? Let him know exactly how yhu feel...how much u'd want him to show some concern nd care 4 u,ur health nd unborn baby..tell him the things he does that hurt yhu. And very importantly,try to understand him...make him pour out his heart to u.
4 me,I can simply envision a frustrated man...overcome by the feeling of being unfulfilled. Perhaps,there are things he planned 4 himself that so far have not been going well. Even if his reasons seem ridiculous to u,just try to make a lil sense out of it. It might not be easy doing that given the current state of things between you two,but u have to try..Be a little bit patient with him,perhaps until u av ur baby. If things are still not looking up,if they remain the way it is or gets worse,then I advise u stay separated for a while. U'll be able to decide what next to do from there m But,God hoping,he'd av become better.
But 4 now,concentrate on making things work. 5months is just too short a time to give up on something that was meant to be "till death do u part"
BTW,do ur best not to let this situation drain u of all energy,physically,emotionally and otherwise. U've got ur health to put in order,a baby on the way that would need complete love,care and devotion...and studies to complete.

U got it perfectly, we have sat down on many occasions about different things my first action is always good communication. He expresses his frustrations at his lack of achievement and constantly compares himself to his mum who built her first house by 30 and made her first billions by 25 she is a hard person to stand behind especially him being the only son the pressure for him to achieve greatness is depressing him. He continues to be haunted by his dad not being in his life but the funny thing is the reason for their split was that he used to swindle away all the mums money she would make from business and spend it entertaining friends, drinking, hosting lavishly. Today the dad is poor and rely on the mum for small upkeep though they are divorced and she re married 24 years ago.

Everyone has a wake up call if it wasn't for being pregnant maybe I would have continued supporting us blindly with hope of something better in the future. But his total lack of care was a huge slap in the face, he didn't insult me, he didn't beat me or any of that rather he would ignore my calls, take a day to reply my message, never check on me, never ever ask about my health or make attempt to visit me-all of that woke me up from my deep slumber.
I have contacted his elder sis who is waiting for me to call her and I have listed all my concerns about him I can't cope with him I need them to take some control because they will cry the hardest if something was to happen to him.

roscoman:
It is a painful situation , how I wish I can help u but unfortunately,is not possible. I have the following points to raise: 1. I want u to know that it is normal to have certain experience in early life of your marriage. Therefore, if the marriage did not break within the first 5 years, it can,t break again becaus the young family just have to face one challenges or the other . 2. U need to take care of your health to enhance easy delivery. It is very important. 3. Stop given ur 2nd child (husband) money, let him go and hussle to make money. 4. I guess u are weak in prayers,u need to wake up. U need to be strong in ur prayers be it muslim or christan because is the key. 5. I think ur husband is the pampered type from his youghtful days by his parent, so it would be hard for such person to be responsible. Even though u still need to stay with ur parent so that,they can take care of you at least for a while. For me I will never tell or advise u to leave ur husband becus it is a sin before Allah (swt). U need to involve both parents and his own friends (the married ones ) in reorientate,counselling him and I believe he would turn over a new leave. Worthy of note is that,not that I am responsible to that extent but if I make 10k today, my family will gulp at least 7k if not more of it. To me I don't see sense in womanising,drinking and clubbing when u can't take care of ur matrimonial home. Whereas, u are just 2 by the time new baby comes how would he do it ?. My dear sister,don' try breaking home,child suffer alot and at the receiving end. Take care.

Were both muslims and come from good muslim backgrounds. I havent left my home out of anger rather my husband couldnt help me and i was getting sicker and losing weight quickly. I couldnt stay there deteriorating while he spent his nights out and days sleeping. a huge problem for me is his upbringing but i cant change that its good for parents to want their kids not to go without but spoiling them beyond all reason is something else his mum continues to treat him like a kid wen she comes to our home (example- ive witnessed her pick the bones out of fish for him, feed him meat in between cooking, rub vapor rub on his back wen hes not well, pick his clothes that hel wear) shes a divorcee and calls him her husband theres no way i can tell her i dont like what she is doing because she is his mum and he is the only son.

If he had decent friends that would be good but he sticks to his single friends that do what single guys do there the same guys that he goes out with and allow him to drive home drunk so if something happens to him its me who will have to explain to his mum why i never told her about his habits.

baby124:
OP,

You are very stupid. In 2012 you were married and looking for names for your kids. In 2015 you are 5 months pregnant and 5 months married. Delusional child, get a life. Quote me and die. Jobless cretin

my grandma always said "never let a stupid person make u stupid" its more jobless for u to name call someone that hasnt begged u to comment on their post u could have quietly moved on. have a goodnight.x

I see people copying my posts from 2012 and screen shots if i said my husband was amazing in 2012 its because thats how i saw him he was caring and devoted to our relationship, he smiled more and we played like kids.
I would appreciate people not kicking me wen im already down its spiteful and unnecessary.

for those that said i got married out of desperation im only 25 and he is 29! Weve dated since school and watched eachother graduate and take our next steps, his steps were not as easy which was why i supported him and held on to hope of of things getting better.

Those that said i tolerated him when he had money please note he has never had consistent money because he has never held a job consistantly.

Thanks alot everyone i have had some weight lifted from reading all your comments. Just to answer some questions here.
1. me and my husband have always been best friends we had a deep understanding and stuck together thru hard times. i dont know 100% if he had the same traits as he never had enough money to show me who he really was i supported us 80% of the time so maybe he was dependant on me, we also lived far from his friends so the drinking and clubbing wasnt a problem but after marriage we moved only 30mins away from them then the trouble began. Mind u hes the only one that drives so theyl all get drunk them hel drop them to their homes and drive home alone drunk!

My heartache comes from having never imagined that someone who was once my best friend and in the gutter with me hussling for our next meal would abandon me in my biggest time of need, never in a million years. Regardless of past traits and prayer how can u abandon your best friend.

3. He is Yoruba.

I have decided to go through his elder sister maybe he should go for extended vacation to nigeria to clear his head im sure he misses home. I wont tell his mum as she has high BP.

weve ignored eachother for one week now i wont beg him this time hes not a child. God will see me and my child through.

In my own opinion speaking as someone with younger and older in laws its never right to walk out on somebody. Its very important to always maintain your composure and respect yourself, you walking out on her has tarnished your character not hers youve allowed her to take your power.
i hate apologising but to keep the peace u should address the missunderstanding if appropriate and explain that you missunderstood or u felt that u were being accused and responded the wronf way.
good luck dear it will all be alright.x

vfactor:
One of the most painful things in life is a bad marriage and I think that what you re in. In as much as I would like to ask if you didnt notice this behaviours before marrying him, the deed has been done and so it's of no use.

Its gonna take serious reorientation to help your husband drop his entitlement mentality. And I think that's where the problems lies. I am not a champion of divorce, but I think separating for sometime will help both of u. At least u can focus on delivering ur baby safely and he can learn to sort himself out within this period.

Hopefully he will come to realize he's been insensitive and selfish!

Thank your for your sound advise this is a very challenging time for me for the first time ever i cant cope emotionally, trust me im very strong but this is destroying me. I also know that without me he will end up either homeless, with terrible company or at his aunties which will result in a huge family issue, ive thought of telling his mum so he can return to nigeria for sometime or maybe i should buy his ticket to go i dont know because i dont have peace of mind. Him being homeless wont make me happy but his attitude and idleness doesnt make me happy either. we met as students and did that marriage thing he has indefinate so its not like he cant return. Ive given him all i can i have nothing else to give now.
you are right that i noticed these traits when we were dating but we were young he was a 24yr old post grad student from nigeria that didnt know london life i held on to his potential but he never developed from that rather hes destroying himself.

I've dated my husband for 5years but only traditionally married for 5 months. For most of our relationship we have had financial difficulty but always manage to keep our head above water.

I'm pregnant and have gestational diabetes meaning sometimes i get very weak so I've been unable to work properly, I am also a final year nursing student. The truth is 80% of the time it's me that bail us out of bad financial crises, my husband has not been able to keep a stable job for as long as I've known him and when he gets his fast money he lavishes it, he doesnt think of the home rather he thinks of clubbing, drinking etc. I never look into his pockets as i think its rude to count people's money but the minute he swindlea his money away he starts to count my money to fund his things such as petrol, club, hosting his family coming from nigeria.

And he has 5 sisters, his young ones are very ill mannered dont do house work or even say good morning. They all take turns throughout the year to come to my house and spend 2weeks to one month Including his mother though i can't complain about her because she's his mother even if she was the worst i can manage her.

None of the above has really bothered me until i came to the realisation that im going to be a mother in less than 18 weeks and i have someone else to care for that is more important. I'm starting to think this man doesn't really love me because when i was terribly sick before finding out about my low iron and diabetes i couldnt get out of bed but he never checked on me instead he would spend all evening and night out with friends and all day sleeping, watching tv and looking for quick money.

I decided to return to my parents and have been here for 2+ months. I am properly looked after and it's only 20minutes away, my so called husband never calls to check on me, he has only initiated phone calls twice and he's asked me for money both times for one thing or another. He has never called my parents to greet them or thank them, it's like he abandoned his responsibility, he openly tells me not to come back because he can't cope with my illnesses.

He's very dissmissive and uncaring but he is also like that with his own family. He never calls them. They're always begging him to call them or i beg him to at least call his mum. I always blame his upbringing because he grew up very entitled with everything handed to him, he doesnt know the value of hard work.

Now we're in a major financial crises because he decided to leave his job. We can't pay the house rent and i have no way of bailing us out because i haven't been active at work due to sickness. I have been looking for a way out but he can't even hold a conversation with me about it. The minute i say something about our current finances, he starts threatening me to switch off the phone and raises his voice (i equally raise mine I'm not innocent because I've had enough) I'm so fed up of him and even the marriage. I don't see how he can ever grow up and i feel like im dragging a dead horse.

Whenever there's crises he becomes very mean and he can't cope, I'm always the strong one and have to find money just so he can be nice to me, which sounds pathetic. He comes from a very good home but blames all his emotional problems on not having his dad in his life but i am not excited to see the kind of dad he will be for his own child.

I feel like i made a mistake marrying him. I have been as supportive as i can be, i dont rub things in his face, i always try and maintain a happy home but I've had enough! How do you fix a situation where you don't respect your husband anymore? I don't believe he deserves my respect apart from him being a financial burden, he's also a serial womaniser i just got tired of doing csi so i turn the other way. I am so fed up and spiraling into deppression the disappointment to both of our families will be huge I've never imagined having a child in a broken home. If this is worth fixing i dont know where to start because my heart is resenting him. How do i explain to people that im leaving my husband of only 5 months?!!!

This has really upset me to read. I think because ive dated my own husband for 5years and things have started to go downwards i can feel your pain. I cant say talk to him because that wont work. Try and table the matter to his family thats if he even comes from a decent home. Good luck dear.x

Very easy op. Since MIL was around for the first baby your mum can come for the 2nd or someone of your choice to take your mums place if its not possible for mum to come. Make sure u tell hubby quickly b4 he informs his mum to start coming.

i had a similar situation after my wedding my husbands whole family and MIL packed into my house for 2 weeks i didnt even have wer to sleep. App in yoruba culture its what they do that they have to look after the wife.. unfortunately i was the one cooking for them each morning unless one felt to cook somethin different, cleaning and washing unless one chose to help out here or there. They controlled all electronics thts tv and laptop so i was left without Any form of entertainment. To add to it the 2 sisters one young one older 21 and 30 are very rude and ill mannered the old one even shouted at me when i said i cant drive her somewer because of the distance. 1 MIL and 6 sisters!!!!!

Im so annoyed that alot of women r advising this lady to walk away from her marriage thats the worst advise she can be given.

Listen, there are many steps u can take before making such a huge decision which will affect your children remember there will be no going back after!!

Optiona A if he is mature Sit your hubby down and talk to him let him know your really struggling and its becoming increasongly hard to make ends meet. Dont let him know how much your business is producing either coz hel be counting yohr pocket. Unfortunately hes just a spoilt man hes managed to get away with being pampered for so long that this is the result.

Option B if hes hard of hearing
1. Put less beef in his food
2. Dont serve him many diff meals serve him more eba and white rice. No money for fish and all those things for efo or egusi
3. Come home later from work claim traffic and car breakdown or problems at work-make him sympathise
4. Complain of body pains

If he thinks everything is easy for u he wont care bt wen he sees its affecting u hel think twice n wen his food becomes affected hel really see.

Lol @smilenw it's difficult for me to waste time with illiterates that clearly can't read or understand what's clearly written before them I think your experiencing the same thing trying to get through to jidegirl12

@jidegirl12 funny I didn't expect to find you actively looking for other posters trouble since you've got a life outside of nairaland you know! Like I said before I maintain the fact that I don't blame you at all I know the blame is somewhere in your genes. Next time you insist on commenting on posts try and use as much effort as possible to read before you write. CHEERS

The foundation of a good relationship is trust if you go into a marriage expecting him to cheat then their is obviously no trust this creates room for insecurities, jealousy,possessiveness and low self esteem. You can't expect a man to cheat because not all men cheat its just not worth it.

shymmex:

Hmmmm, I can't believe the infamous 90love gave me a very insightful advice...

You're my 'bredrin' now - no beef, yh??

*Nudges knuckle with 90love, and says: "safe for that."*

small banter can't stop me from giving advise on a serious topic.

jidegirl12 the trouble maker! *sigh* your forgiven its clearly not your fault.

Like you've already heard don't marry out of pressure of family or friends. When you meet your wife you will know it everyone has different times of doing things and you've still got time to achieve these things comfortably it's not like your 35 yet. Your family should have other things to be proud of you for achieving so keep growing, providing and making a foundation for yourself and future family. Your ex is an ex for a reason if it wasn't worth keeping her as a girlfriend it's unlikely you'll manage her as a wife till death do you part.

Good luck!

jidegirl12:

Abi O, and I am very positive one hundred percent that her hubby has been typing those reply since, I don't think any other African British Ethiopian American Cameroonian has the strength to argue with "any" Nigerian the way "she" did in that earlier post.

He is just having fun with it....not cool bro

Woah woah well it seems a lot of Nigerians think your the biggest and baddest you don't know there are people that are of equal challenge!!! Come for me and I come for you

jidegirl12:

Protect them from what tho? Are our names that bad? the way you say it is horrendous ,

my kids are all Canadians (no such thing as Nigerian Canadian Nigerian LMAO)and they have Yoruba names(4 letters max) and everybody love their names and they do very well in school,

and its the way you present yourself and who you roll with

that's why you see us Nigerians always proud and pompous because we go extra mile to belong , yes to belong cos this is not our land (even with my Canadian pali this is not my land)and in other for you to have a white as your maid or staff or even don't let them walk all over you... you really need to work for it and earn it and I respect my people for that.

So dont come on here to belittle our lovely names saying Nigerian names are deadly ...blah blah, enough already!!......

This is how people find my trouble a post that is innocent and simple with no reason for people to get excited someone out the bunch must say something to tickle me the wrong way. 1stly your situation is irrelevant to mine your Canadian and I'm British how it works over there might not be how it works over here. You belittle your self with no help from me because it's clear you lack the ability to read properly! Re read the post and show me where I belittled any name
Your probably some teenage mother on the doll anyway I don't know why I'm wasting time with you!!,
CHEERS!!!

Tell her everything you've just told us! Put your pride aside and be genuine a woman's love doesn't die easily.

Lool please give it to him well well

dayokanu:

If he is scared of naija names maybe he needs to change the last name to Cameron and Queen Elizabeth so they can be highly favoured

It would be a big shame if he ever tried that. I wouldn't even allow him to knowing where you come from is very important It would be sad for my kids to lose out because of their dads mentality.

bittyend:

We need to run this bytch out of anything Nigerian.. She's disrespectful, and she has a big chip on her shoulder..

I don't know why you're dining with the devil.

I will say whatever I please small boy. If you've never come across someone thats confident then I feel sorry for you today because I'll continue saying as I please. after all what can you do about it except get angry and beat your stubby fingers on your keyboard replying me.
Better yet why do you keep following my posts? get a life and stop sniffing after me it's pathetic. BUM raised BUMMY to be a BIG BUM only you know the truth if I'm hurting your feelings what I'm saying is clearly true then!!!

bittyend:

Quoting sneakbo?? Why are you so obsessed with naija mans?? And what kind of educated, and married gash over 21 listens to grime anyways??

You're definitely one of them silly hoodrats, and probably someone's baby mums lol..

I don't do wave, bytch; I'm too dench for that..

And bytch, I own my yard.. I'm self-made, and I've been since I was 16...

And why are you still using "Your" to start a sentence?? You're bummy, and I can see through you... You can still get adult education, though lol..

Says the kid that came on here talking about south hype and slamming faces in. common bum. Self made since 16 selling crack and shotting weed like the rest of the hoodlums from your side. You own your home why you lyingggggggg your to "dench" I think you've miss used the English slang you've tried so hard to master

Broaden your vocab if bytch and slut are the only words you know how to use then that says more about you BUM! Is it rude to call someone out on being a BUM I think a um is even more useful than what you are