₦airaland Forum

Blonchilli:
Exactly. Nigerians don't know how separation works and most of these cases I've seen the marriage just dies a natural death after that

The idea of seperating is to deny your spouse whatever benefits they enjoy been married to you so they can sit up. It's just like a parent taking all privileges of a child to correct a behaviour.

E.g. a wife doesn't have se.X with her husband (for no justified reason) and the husband has tried several stuffs which did not work.

He can leave the house for a while to the woman to sit up. When she begins to do things her husband traditionally does, she begins to weigh if her behaviour is worth the stress she is undergoing and change.

Again, this will only work if both parties really cherish the marriage else it's good riddance to bad rubbish and they go their seperate ways.

DarkRebel101:
Both vowed to submit their bodies, freely and without question to each other on the day of their wedding. Why then should there be issues of non-consent especially since both had, at the moment they pronounced their wedding vows, waived their right to "non-consensuality"?

Even if there is blanket consent by the virtue of their vows and definition of marriage, there is still a need to agree before se.x.

A parent by virtue of having a child has automatically declared responsibility for all the needs of the child. Yet the child has to ask, cajole or accept the rejection of his parents sometimes.

This story is not complete...

What triggered the violence? What was he saying while he was hitting her?

Blonchilli:
Separation, yes, is an option but from experience 70-80 percent marriages fail after separation. However if violence is creeping in divorce should be the 1st option

Depends on what they are seperating for.

Most people who seperate here
do so because they do not want to 'divorce' rather than to solve a problem.

If hubby says ... I am moving out to XYZ (where he is accountable to people) till you need me, the wife will sit up.

Not seperating and start frolicking the town.

Flexherbal:
Thanks boss!

You're welcome

Blonchilli:
That's why I said left without anymore options

Why don't you seperate instead and tell the whole world (not really) why?

That's if your hands are clean.

He who comes to equity must come with clean hands

Jahblessme:
At the worst,draw a time table and stick to it and agree that even if heaven falls Monday, Wednesday and Friday na fockrey day , jara days for no or room for seduction Saturday and Sunday.

If you know and love your partner,you understand the words they use and their body language.
There are people who say no and mean it,there are some who say no with options.

There are times when a person isn't in the mood even for seduction and that should be respected.You should know when to tie rope round your coochie/ blokos cos he/she isn't in the mood.

I'm referring to people in a loving relationship.

You cannot beat someone up or cause a serious grievance then come for s ex and when he/she says no you start wanting to seduce.
Know who you are with and you will know when they are open to se xual advances.

My fear about the 'seduction' is where does it stop being seduction and then border on force? People have different interpretations of what seduction is.So where is the line drawn?


There are some people who will never get the message and even if you say no believe that their touch will set you on fire eg Kemen who is a typical rapist/ forceful penetrant who has talked of drugging women to have his way.Very unappealing with kpomo mouth that can make pot of soup.

Anyway,if hubby or wife keeps saying no,they can do other things to you can't they? If that one fails,vaseline,if it fails vi brator/dil do nko? No one can make guy with s ex anymore,there are now dozens of ways to have an orga sm without extra human participation.

You do know that many women have found a lot of pleasure by self exploration.Men are also babas in the game.

Lol @ timetable.

I totally agree that this applies to a healthy marriage. One party can't constantly hurt the other and expect a yes/seduction to work.

As per what I mean seduction, please see below.

bukatyne:
By seduce here, I mean a partner says no and you try to arouse them through pre-intimacy.

If after a while, the partner still insists, let them be.

E.g., I start touching my husband and he says no.... I continue and attempt to give him a bj and still insists no... I try to ask what's wrong and no concrete answer; I will leave him alone. He is really not interesred.

There is no force applied.

I am totally against force and manhandling.

That Kemen's case is not so clear cut to me joor.

If a spouse keeps sayin no, there is fire on the mountain o! And they both need to quench it.

Blonchilli:
I've always said it that the only thing that will make me cheat on my wife is her withholding sex in the marriage and that's when I'm left with no more options

If your wife is withholding se.x, tie your prick and find a solution together.

I will never encourage adultery.

Tenkobos:
Or maybe one wants to request for something.


A favor the other will not grant ordinarily.

Which I feel is wrong.

I don't like se.X as a bargaining chip.

olujaidi:
So, how does a fella distinguish between when no means- "I don't want" and "I want to be seduced".If one is mistaken for the other, your lover could be seen as selfish, inconsiderate etc

CC: bukatyne; athaliya; acidosis; PaperLace

By seduce here, I mean a partner says no and you try to arouse them through pre-intimacy.

If after a while, the partner still insists, let them be.

E.g., I start touching my husband and he says no.... I continue and attempt to give him a bj and still insists no... I try to ask what's wrong and no concrete answer; I will leave him alone. He is really not interesred.

There is no force applied.

Mummy at her face/with everyone

Maale only when gossiping with my husband.

CecyAdrian:
Please make the decision that is right for you. That you nag does not warrant a man to beat you up, you are not a property or an animal he purchased in th market. If his fellow guy or his boss (female) does the same to him, will he beat her up? Let you man respect you. He married you (a mutual) agreement! He didn't buy you to beat up when you nag.

The right decision is for her to change from a nagging fight instigating wife to a sweet wife.

Not easy I know, we are all still learning.

I detest people nagging at me (esp when i have not done anthing wrong) and either shut them out, tell them to shut up or shout right back at them.

So I might not 'beat' you, neither violent nor possess the skills, bit I will surely 'deal' with you.

leyo8965:
Hmm! this jst for me, jst some days ago i was a victim. My hubby hit me cos i was angry he came home late. Though i pushed him cos i nagged all through nd even threatened him to do his worse. Well, he eventually did nd we ended fighting nd i hit him back I even made an attempt to stab him. Hmm, I called the attention of his family that night nd told them I was leaving, this is is a marriage that is barely a year old. They sha begged me to forgv him nd he also did the same but i jst can't seem to forgive nor forget.

Madam,

I am happy you told the true story.

Like you said, you nagged him & threatened him to do his worst and he did (hit you) and you retaliated with threats to stab him.

There is a difference between physical abuse and fighting.... yours was a fight.

You are not a victim here, you are an instigator and co-fighter.

Your husband and his family apologized which is a plus for your husband. He did not see the need to justify himself but apologized for peace to reign.

Madam, throw away your toutish behaviour and 'forgive & forget'. I don't know where you stay or why your husband was/is late but there are some traffic I enter that I will bite anybody who jacks me up and asks where I am coming from.

Did you find out why he was late? Were you not worried you didn't see him at his usual arrival time?

Madam, change.

God bless your marriage.

@Kyliegame:

Interesting read.

I would however what to flip this backwards.... most of these ladies know that theit men are abusive before they say I do.... a man who slaps his driver or cleaner is a red flag even if he has not touched you before...

A man who supports beating wives/girlfriends for any reason is also one.

A man who doesn't respect you/differing opinions is another one. Ditto my way or the high way types.

A man who sees nothing wrong with his friends/father beating their women is same. Etc.

Again, some women see nothing wrong in their husbands correcting them with the 'rod'; a number of guys have 'testified' to their girlfriends insisting they beat them if they love them. Some other women grew up in homes where their fathers panel beated their mothers and they just celebrated 40yrs wedding anniversary in grand style with both parents top committee members in their local church or mosque.

Other women actively chase violence with jacking his shirt and hitting him first...

I don't know if mass divorce is the answer.... on one hand, it will teach both parties that hitting is unacceptable; on the other, it will ruin the family ecosystem with numerous bitter parents and children who might be violent and continue the beating for different reasons.

Women need to really open their minds to pick a spouse.

This problem is similar to adultery.

I don't understand some wives...

Your husband who have known his family for the past 39yrs (let's assume he became aware at 2yrs) told you he doesn't want to share with his family and you who know them for less than 3yrs thinks it's ok to share?

Do you think a man looking for a child for 11yrs wouldn't jump at the news? Even if you a just a mistress and he is still legally married to someone else, the worst he would do is conniving to take the baby away from you; he will never deny the baby.

Are you trying to buy his family's loyalty or prove you are a good wife?

The ex is not your problem; your mouth is.

Since your husband has not denied your pregnancy, I don't see the need to fret. Hide your head (in Nigerian parlance) and carry your baby to term.

If you can stay with your family members till you deliver, all the best. You don't want to run into your husband's ex with your pregnancy.

Goodluck.

Flexherbal:
What long-time married women want single ladies to know about sex

Women who have been married for a long time can be considered as true “sex experts,” being the ones who’ve been through the ups and downs of dating and matrimony.

Times and cultures may change, but relationships between men and women don’t. No matter what anyone says, the average person desires meaning, durability, commitment, and lifelong love, even when the prevailing culture tries to tell us differently.

We asked a handful of women—who range from seven years married all the way to 35 years—to share the true, deeper truths about sex. Here’s what they said…



• Sex is the closest my husband and I can get to one another as a married couple. It binds us after a terrible fight.

• It is the fun that we have in trying to find out what the other person enjoys.

• It is a great stress reliever and it is so fun to lock the kids out and sneak away to be together in the midst of the chaos of our lives.

• It is the ultimate in vulnerability and giving of one’s entire self.

• My husband and I were told in premarital counseling that sex is the “oil in the lamp” of marriage. Almost 30 years later, I agree.

• When I start feeling irritated by my husband and little things annoy me or I feel distant from him, I think, ‘When is the last time we were intimate? We need to add ‘oil’ to the lamp of our marriage.’

• We generally have sex at least once a week, and I consider us one of the more happily married couples I know.

• Sex before marriage lacks, in its inherent nature, freedom. It brings a lot of anxiety about possible pregnancy and commitment issues, enhances insecurities. It can also blind us to how good or bad our relationship actually is. It attaches us to the other person and makes us feel obligated to stay with them even if there are some huge red flags.

• Married, loving, monogamous sex is safe. Not only because such sexual partners aren’t at risk of STDs or sexual violence—but because there is a freedom in the trust and exclusivity and bond that we share with our spouses in the sacrament of marriage.

• Sex within marriage is freedom! On our wedding night, I remember thinking: I am free. I am yours and you are mine. I wasn’t worried about what he would think of me. We were truly able to give of ourselves completely without fear or worry or lack of total commitment.

• Sex before marriage is like sticking one foot in the water. Sex after marriage is truly jumping in!

• If you haven’t slept together before your wedding night, the switch is not going to suddenly turn on. You won’t instantly be having hot sex. It might be great, but allow space for adjustment to each other sexually.

• Married sex is worth the wait. I learned this in the context of a loving, committed, supportive relationship. It was so different than the rushed, physical-only encounters I’d previously experienced that it’s hard to compare the two.

• Sex is so much more than a mere physical act. Marriage offers a frame that puts sex in the context of commitment in a way that no other relationship can give.

• Sex creates a bond between two people. If a dating couple has that kind of intimacy, break-ups can be extremely painful, the pain longstanding. One partner might take sex more seriously than the other.

• Sex makes it harder to walk away from dating relationships when we need to.

• Long-term married sex can lose its lustre. Because some of the fun of sex does come from novelty and straight-up physical desire. Years and years together has redefined for us pop culture’s versions of novelty and passion to something more profound.

• A life together includes those things, but includes a lot of other things (such as money problems, sickness, kid issues) that can take the fun out of sex for weeks (or months!) on end.

• The hardest thing about sex in marriage is the expectations of how often we will have sex. At the end of the day, after nursing an infant and having kids need me all day long, I often struggle with just wanting to go to bed and not be with my husband.

• Married sex requires a lot of patience and sacrifice and a continual putting the other person first.






Source:
http://punchng.com/what-long-time-married-women-want-single-ladies-to-know-about-sex/

Great thread, great lessons.

Interesting piece.

Thanks

PaperLace:
Consent in marriage is delicate, I feel if there is no physical hurt, bruise or harm whatsoever_ there isn't much cause for alarm.
I am not entirely a no-is-no ambassador. I would definitely try to seduce. I love to turn his NO to YES and I love when he does same. Sometimes the 'chase' makes it more fun. Now, if a man or woman seduces the spouse, climbs atop or any position they want and the other doesn't respond favourably, there are deeper issues that should be looked into by the couple(s). Issues deeper than CONSENT. In such a situation, one should naturally let the other be.


I advise we deviate a little from the stereotypical roles, help each other, spice up our marital love life, go on dates, vacations...etc. It definitely gets boring with time, that's when consent (disconnect) starts becoming an issue in marriage.
Instead of advising the man to get a sidechick or telling the wife to focus on her kids_ they should be more focused on rediscovering their sex life.

I very much agree with you.

If after seduction, either spouse doesn't bulge most of the time, there are issues.

We really need to work towards being sexually attracted/attractive to our spouses.

Forever is a long time to have a boring se.X life.

Acidosis:

So what's your definition of rape in marriage?

jashar:
Hmmm...

Spill it out

What are you thinking?

tosyne2much:
It baffles me when people get married and one party starves the other party of his or her conjugal right, cos I used to think such thing only happens in "boyfriend and girlfriend relationship"

1. Some ladies naturally do not enjoy sex and they will end up frustrating their husbands with konji.. That's why every man should try to know the sexually capacity of the lady he wants to marry so that he will not be starved of sex in marriage

1. I doubt there is any lady who do not naturally enjoy sex; God intended sex to be very pleasurable and created the male & female sex.ual organs to drive pleasure.

Any lady who does not enjoy sex has underlying issues ranging from rape to abuse to medical issues to not loving/feeling the husband to a selfish lover. Such a lady needs to work with her husband to resolve whatever issues she has.

Unfortunately, testing sexual 'compatibility' before marriage does not solve the issue.... infact, most people who have sex before marriage do so for pleasure or check the fertility of both parties. I have never heard of someone who wants to have se.X with an intended to find out if they are sexually compatible.

What if a lady knows her intended wants to test how compatible they are and she pretends to like sex and even moans in pleasure and after marriage locks up? What if the guy likes ana.l and pretends till they I do? What if the guy wants se.X 50 times a month and pretends to be satisfied with 20?

What if they are truly compatible and after 2 kids, a lost job and dwindling finances, the libido disappears?

Besides, you have to realize that what turns you on at 20 will not turn you on at 30 or 35. You both need to continually discover yourselves sexually to have a sexually fulfilling marriage

So my friend, pre-martial se.x is not the answer.

Cc: Olu317 and snakebeat

Acidosis:
Absolutely!! I agree with you

In fact, intimacy would be sweeter when one party isn't in the mood but willing to allow the other have his/her way through gentle seduction.

I think the word r. ape needs to be defined properly in marriage. For the singles who aren't in any relationship, they should learn to accept No as No!

I just knew you would agree

Cc: Acidosis. ..

This and wives putting up their husbands on their DP will stop killing marriages abi?























Just yanking your chain

Cutehector:
Ladies be saying they want a God fearing man but don't fear d lord admonished them not to deny their husbands their bodies

Lol!

pcguru1:
Feminist said we men should take NO as NO and anything further than that is rapw, so you can blame us.

Which feminists?

Please note I am against rape. Just that my definition of rape might be different from no is no proponents.

If there are no bruises or signs of violence, well.

And like someone said, 'you can't rape the willing'.

Perhaps couples should be more willing to make love to each other.

Rukkydelta:
At times I wonder why sex is a problem in marriage?
Cos when married his body is her's and her body is his
Don't know why couples deny each other of their conjugal rights
Doesn't make sense to me

As so sex sweet you two reach? Just kidding

I also wonder too and can relate to fornication more than adultery.

Too much bad blood, bad skills, cheating, tired, mismatched sex drive, hoarding it to keep the other submissive etc.

This Keen & Tboss' scandal brought up the now popular 'no is no' in relation to sex generally and I came across a post today which reminded me of it. (A husband's spreadsheet flying around of a wife's rejection)

I am however concerned with marriage. Some peeps are of the thought that when a wife says no, no is no. Ditto a husband. Now I wonder, where is the place of persuasion and seduction in marriage?

If I tell my husband no at first, shouldn't he try to seduce me into making love to him? Will he just try twice & say ok, she's said no? I am truly not be in the mood initially however a little seduction can turn me on

I can't imagine my husband telling me no without a cogent reason (and i decide the reason that is ) and I just let him be? Whatever happened to old good Mouth Gig?

I am not encouraging forceful pentrations or violence where a party ends up with bruises; I nor dey dere.....
I am talking of seducing your partner and turning their no to yes...

Or just even doing it whether you are in the mood or not. Get lubricants and use it if you are not jn the mood.... might even enter the mood before the game is over.

Like I read once.... when your husband makes advances, say to yourself that you are not in the mood YET and let him work his magic. (If he has sha).

So for no is no proponents, if your wife/husband constantly says no, what do you do? (And cheating is not an option).

Thank God you were there in time.

You need to talk to his parents and his other critics.

You also need to help him heal and teach him responsibility, accountability & resilence.

Ugosample:
Bukatyne what's up na

Long time.
You and your interesting viewpoints to subjects over the years, with the bullets that follow

Hope you are good?

I am good Ugo and you?

Examples of interesting viewpoints?

obasy09:
What a swift move by the authority! Ordinarily, it is a commendable move but judging from the antecedents of many leaders in the core North, the swift reaction might not be unconnected to the the fact that 'hyenas are devouring the meat meant for the lions'. Only, a decoder will understand my submission.


@ bukatyne
"I rather a 16yr old girl + 17/18yr old boy 'marry' than 13yr old girl + 35yr old man". Give this lady a medal! She keyed into my submission.

You keyed into mine...

I commented before you