₦airaland Forum

Flowerlady01:
I was like that because I didn't know how to air my feelings through proper communication. I am a reserved and quiet person and sometimes felt I would hurt him if I told him what was on my mind. So I would bottle it up instead. And boil inside me silently. We loved each other even then but that was just my personality. Now I don't hesitate to say what's on my mind and he appreciates it this way.

Thanks a lot for your response

@Jonesy1,

Could this be the case?

Does she express when you wrong her or does she say nothing and suddenly explodes when she is boiling over piled up grievances?

Suspect that because she does a lot of silent treatments.

okotv:
is a man that important to women now

Men have always been important to women and vice versa

cococandy:
Tomorrow she will start fighting his wife for his love and attention. Tssk.

As in

jaybee3:
You want specifics?

Here you go:

If my wife happens to earn more than me (Highly likely considering we are both highly educated with years of experience) then she has to contribute equally
If she earns equal or less than me then I contribute more

However much she earns, the house chores will be shared simply because it’s the logical thing to do

I can’t expect a woman that has gone to work all day to come home and start making food for me. I’m only her husband not her boss

I can’t expect her to start fixing mechanical/electrical things because that isn’t her expertise

Children are the responsibility of both parents so time resource will be equally devoted to that

In summary,

> You expect the couple to contribute a certain percentage of their earnings
> Both parents care for the kid
> The chores are attended to with equity (I don't believe chores can be shared 'equally')

Interesting.

jaybee3:
I believe in fairness and equity but my views would be different IF location plays a factor

However, no matter the location and income disparity, I strongly believe couples should work together as one however way they decide but ensure contribution isn't skewed in order to have deserved equity

Share now... irrespective of loaction

missvera:
Marriage is a 50/50 thing... The two partners must know what they bring to the table.
If not 50/50 bcs of our African culture then it shoud be 60 on the part of the man and 40 on the part of the wife.
Women claiming their money is theirs and still expect to have a say in the Family right?

What if their family is run on hubby doing 100% finance and wife doing 100% domestics?

jaybee3:
Thanks raumdeuter

Nothing more to add

What's your view on the money & domestics thingy.

raumdeuter:
So what happens when females after marriage decides she doesn't want to work after getting the necessary education should she be left alone to choose what she wants? Also can the man also decide not to work also and be left to decide what he wants


Or can either partner decide that even though I work, I don't want to contribute financially to this family? That my money is my money.

If self domestication also okay?

What are you advocating for?

This your post doesn't seem clear on your position

Mercy always in the business of looking good.

Madam,

Go and get yourself a man.

This poor boy is your son and not your husband.

What is the news?

Flowerlady01:
Lolz. But you were the one that first issued a threat about ending the marriage na.
I know you were only trying to warn her and make her sit up ... but pls don't involve divorce or break up in your utterances again especially if you don't mean it. Say it only when and if you really intend to divorce which should be once in that marriage

I used to be like your wife during my 3 year courtship and my first year of marriage. I would give my hubby the silent treatment for little inconsequential issues but God bless him cos he wouldn't make me continue that silent nonsense for long. 3 days ke?!
My darling would pry whatever the problem was out of me. Sometimes lovingly, sometimes by talking sense into me and sometimes by treating me to the same silent treatment!

Today, he loves to remind me of those days when I liked picking quarrels with 'innocent' him for no 'just' reason. Lolzz. We hardly quarrel nowadays. Seriously. So I think you should give her time and work on her patiently, firmly and lovingly. I hope you see positive lasting changes soon. E never reach to separate. Cheers.

@Bold:

Why were you like that? And what changed?

We might see a new perspective.

byvan03:
Even Bible had male prostitutes, so nothing really new.

Lol!

Someone will tell me olden days was better!

Indeed.

Same story, different times.

byvan03:
Same women of yesterday that dumped their weakling husbands to pitch their tents with local warriors? People tend to romanticize things they know nothing about.


Nothing really changed, bad /good women are as old as time.

I think that is really the issue.

I was reading the Bible yesterday where Solomon said there was nothing new under the sun.

This thread reminded me.

raumdeuter:
Not like I disagree but I really dont understand point 6. And I wont say i agree with what I dont fully understand

I believe she was saying men are interested in their women's bodies with a loving interest as opposed to them wanting rail thin or perfect wives. Relate it to sex if you will.

Is the child Mr. Okafor's first child?

And Mrs. Okafor has the huge task of proving to her husband that the sperm was gotten through artificial insemination and not physical insemination.

raumdeuter:
I agree with most things the OP said

God/Nature created men and women different and to perform different roles in point 10, That is why IMO a child needs both parent( I will use both Gender because of same sex parents) In my opinion a child needs both gender to grow up balanced

There are stuffs only fathers understand and there are stuffs only mothers understand

What are the little things you don't agree with?

So fellas, what sayest thou?

What do you agree with? disagree with? indifferent about?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has written another book that deserves a place on the best seller list with six of her other books, such as Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives and Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, from this unmarried man’s perspective, is an excellent manual for women on how to get want they want from men and marriage and, generally, how to be happy. Dr. Laura makes a number of important, practical points, based on her experience in private practice, from advising her radio callers, and from literally hundreds of letters and emails she received from men and women while she was writing the book. Here are the points that struck this writer, together with commentary:


1. Men Need Women, and This Need Gives Women Huge Influence. Dr. Laura states the point as follows: “[M]en are simple creatures who come from a woman, are nurtured and brought up by a woman, and yearn for the continued love, admiration, and approval from a woman.” Women have great power and influence over men, and wives in particular have tremendous power over their husbands. How they use this power essentially controls the relationship, because women are the masters of most relationships and marriages. That’s why Dr. Laura says that she probably won’t write The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives: wives already have most of the power and their marriages depend, for the most part, on them.


2. Women Err in Favoring Children Over Husband. A friend once told this writer that once a woman has children, her husband is relegated to the moral equivalence of a piece of furniture. How sad if this is true in many marriages. Here’s how Dr. Laura puts it: “Once wives became mothers, they had no time to be wives. The men would even compliment their wives on being great mothers, but expressed considerable pain over not being shown love, affection, or sexual interest. The typical reply from a wife challenged with this was ‘I only have time to take care of one person, and our child is that person. I’m just too tired for you.’ This puts fathers in the ugly and uncomfortable position of feeling competitive with and resentful of their children, whom they love so much.”


3. Men and Women Are Different. That men and women are deeply different ought not to be notable, but for the fact that it is so often challenged today. Dr. Laura says that society tries to make both men and women “unisex.” But men are happiest being men, and women are happiest being women, with few exceptions. The differences start to manifest themselves very early. In one study Dr. Laura mentions, a barrier was placed between 1 year-old babies and their mothers. What did the little boys do? They attempted to get around the barrier or knock it down. The little girls? They cried until their mothers’ picked them up. Men tend to respond to things physically, women verbally. In fact, the two sexes are just right for each other.


4. Not Every Thought and Feeling Needs to be Said. Women tend to be so verbal, so expressive, that they can tire out men easily unless they exercise some restraint. Dr. Laura reports that wives generally overwhelm their husbands with communication. “Husbands imagine (so foolishly) that their wives are telling them something they actually need to know because they’re supposed to do something about it. Otherwise, men can’t imagine why the ‘communication’ is happening at all. It confuses them, frustrates them, and their response is to turn off. That’s when they unfairly become labeled insensitive.” Husbands and fiances are not girlfriends or psychologists, and women who want attention should adjust their communication style accordingly when speaking with them.


5. Men Are Not Mind-Readers. Most men are not very intuitive compared to most women. Many women “get caught up in the absurdly romanticized notion that ‘if he loved me, he’d just know what I’m thinking, what I’d like, what he should say.'” If a woman wants her man to do something, she should just ask him plainly, without nagging, and show appreciation when he does it. To act otherwise, as many women do, shows arrogance and lack of respect for the husband’s difference, and it leads to unhappiness in the marriage and in the family.


6. Man Is an Embodied Soul. No, Dr. Laura didn’t put it that way; “embodied soul” is a Catholic concept. But that concept is what underlies her discussion of how important it is to a man that his wife try to keep up her appearance. What does it mean that we are embodied souls? It means that our bodies are integral parts of who we are. We are not just souls. Our bodies are not like clothing that we can take on or off. There was no time during which we had only souls and not bodies, and in eternity as well we will have bodies. It is through our bodies, in fact, that we communicate to our loved ones and to the rest of the world. One thinks of the beautiful line from the old Anglican marriage rite: bride and groom pledge to each other “with my body I thee worship.” It is ironic, but in many cases men–sex-crazed pigs in the minds of many women–actually have a truer understanding of the beauty of the body and the meaning of the marital embrace than their wives do. “Objectification” may come as much or more from the woman’s side as from the husband’s if the woman sees her own body as being separate from rather than an integral part of herself. Dr. Laura writes: “In reading all the letters from men, I was struck by their depth of senstivity about the issue of women’s appearance. It wasn’t an impersonal, animal reaction (as it is with women the men don’t personally know), it was a deeply personal one. The wife’s comfort with and appreciation of her own body and femininity, and her willingness to share that with her husband, actually fed his sense of well-being, his feeling of being loved as a husband and valued as a ‘man.'”


7. Infidelity by Omission. Brides and grooms make a number of vows, not only of sexual fidelity. Marital vows include and imply words like love, honor, protect, and care for. “[W]hen one breaches those vows by neglect, is that also not a form of infidelity? Perhaps we should start looking at the act of intentionally depriving a spouse of legitimate needs as infidelity, too, because it stems from being unfaithful to the intent of the vows.”


8. In the Bedroom. To her credit, Dr. Laura gives due place to the importance for marriage of the marital act: “The bedroom is the foundation of marriage and family.” St. Josemaria Escriva, founder of Opus Dei, that supposedly conservative institution within the Church, put it this way: “The marriage bed is an altar.” Enough said?


9. Women Should Appreciate Men’s Masculinity. Dr. Laura relates a trip she made recently to a swimming pool. A mom and a dad were wading with their infant child. Mom held the child against her chest, cooed to him, and swooped him up and down. She passed the baby to dad. He turned the baby’s face outward and swooshed him forward and up into the air. “Mom equals protection and nurturance. Dad equals autonomy and adventure. It is the perfect balance that helps produce a functional, secure human being.” Too many women, though, act like Alice Kramdens, constantly belitting their husbands, shooting down their aspirations, treating them like children. Dr. Laura writes: “When a wife treats her man like he’s one of her children, when she puts him down or thwarts his need for autonomy, adventure, risk, competition, challenge, and conquest, she ends up with a sullen, unooperative, unloving, hostile lump.”


10. Thou Shalt Not Covet. Dr. Laura contributes a novel (to this writer) and insightful contemporary application of the commandment, “thou shal not covet.” Specifically, she understands it as a rebuke to people who want it all, especially feminists. “Perhaps the feminist notions about women having power if they do it all has obstructed too many women’s ability to realize that in real life we all make choices, and that the true joy and meaning of life is not in how many things we have or do, but in the sacrifice and commitment we make to others within the context of the choices we’ve made. The Tenth Commandment, about coveting, reminds us that none of us can have everything there is nor everything we want. Without enjoying and appreciating our gifts and blessings, we create a hell on earth for ourselves and for those who love us.”

https://winteryknight.com/2011/01/03/a-summary-of-dr-lauras-proper-care-and-feeding-of-husbands/

greatgod2012:
Heeeeee, hold it! I'm not using your past to haunt you! You know me on this section very well, I don't do back and front, up and down with anyone. But I'm going to indulge you on this.

Yes, we know you're human, and no human is beyond temptation but once you know that you call fall, you should also know that another person can fall too, hence, you're not in the capacity to give such judgment you gave up there. You're claiming the girl is the one forcing herself on you, how are you sure it's not the ex of this man's wife that is forcing himself on her too?
You're claiming NL is for seeking advice, in your honest opinion, did you give the right advice knowing fully well that what you're advising the man to do is what your wife should have done to you.

You're advising someone to send his wife who has given the man 4wonderful kids away, just because he suspected her cheating, when you could not even stay faithful with your own wife for one year? Haba! Why are you people like this? Dishing out the advice you wouldn't want anyone to apply on you.

In summary, it's not in your capacity to give the op such an advice of sending his wife of many years away when it's even difficult for you to be faithful for one year.

You're an hypocrite!
Next time, on threads like this, keep quite and learn from it.


As for my boo, leave that one for me, but one thing is certain, I know who he is but does your wife know who you are

Peace!

On point.

Smoke2015:
http://josephedgarng..com.ng/2016/10/diary-he-lost-his-job-his-wife-left-him.html?m=1

@OP:

Your mom is not a rare breed; there are several like her.

There are too many poor/average Nigerian men married to assume their wives are in for the money.

I also agree with you that a woman who leaves a broke good husband is not a good wife.

Broke cheats and abusers shouldn't complain; they no longer bring 'value' to the table.

neocortex:
There are disloyal wives who are prone dump their husband whenever
he is faced with challenges so are some husbands who will abandon their
wives.

However, some marriages have broken up long time ago, but the couple pretends
as if everything is okay, even though the only reason the wife
remains with her husband in such marriages is for financial stability.
Whenever the man can no longer provide for the family financially or the
woman become financially independent, the marriage crumbles.

Then you hear story of evil women who dump their husband because he lost
his job.

Very correct.

Acidosis:
bone of my bone

LMAO!

Your kids the bone of my kids maybe?

Acidosis:
I agree 100%



This wan we now agree on many many issues. Is that a sign??

Sign of a victory?

Benita27:
I am not sure of the bolded, because is not usually written on their forehead.

> Women in miserable marriages especially 'staying' for their kids
> Women who are not busy
> Women who place their children first etc.

Cc: Acidosis

motherfucker:
Mothers are very protective of their son. You wouldn't understand until you have raised one for 27+ years and a lady comes in one day to take away what she has laboured for.

The mother would always feel no one can take care of her child like her. What most DIL should do is assure MIL that her son is in safe hands. It's that simple but most of you would rather compete with her or take her head on, which often backfire

@Bold:

The simple solution is to marry her son herself.

Benita27:
I noticed 80% of our Nigerian mother in-laws threat their daughter in-laws badly unlike their foreign counterparts, and this trend is so common,once a man says he wants to take you to see his parents instead of excitement a certain fear creeps in.
personally i'm not scared of meeting the man's father because i assume father's trust their sons to have made the right choices, but for the mothers is not usually the same, was able to ask someone if she felt same and she confessed feeling worse.
Why are our Nigerian mother in-laws so mean?.
Need your contributions, and Ladies how do you feel when getting to meet them?.

Cc: Aderola15.
Talk2Bella.
IamNawty.
Laveda.

The word 'monster-in-law' is not a 'Nigerian' phrase.