₦airaland Forum

Berbierklaus:
I see a woman who have been broken

Lemme just read and observe
The holy spirit indeed,my God is not a God of confusion

@Your last line,

The Holy Spirit relates with people according to their personalities....

Look at Apostle John for instance, he talked on and on about love.... he was a mushy mushy guy reclining on Jesus etc. etc.

kilokeys:
i use to know this biatch back in taraba 2011 batch A nysc camp...

drama queen.. feel men should worship and kiss her feet

until she made a mistake with me... asked if i cared for a can of malt on a scorching afternoon while I was hanging out with my goons.. you guys needed to see her face when i took the malt, gulped it down and said "thank you"

mtcheew...

@Bold:

I don't get the 'mistake'

And why the name calling? Because she didn't sleep with a guy?

Berbierklaus:
This is one thing I keep hammering to my female friends,How can You not have food ready for a man that went all day to work especially when You are at home,its preposterous,I can't even wrap my head around it... I had some roomates then and when I look at them I just pity their future husband.


well Op,I saw You mentioned that You know all these before marriage right? keep trying to change her,but i'd advice You to use practical examples not word of mouth or anger alone,like my boyfriend told me,correct me with a solution not with what You say.
Huston1 correct your wife with a solution to the problem and watch her adjust.

I absolutely agree with the bolded.

damiso:
I guess no one is really perfect and if those are her shortcomings you probably have to reach a compromise and help her to gradually change( it wont be overnight).Time management is a skill that one acquires with time and maybe you can help her with setting up a routine. I have been a stay at home mum and sometimes the feeling that you have more time when the kids are not home kind of lulls you into thinking you can do things later. And you find out that you don't. So you have to make sure the time is allocated and structured.

I have always needed structure to my day and that structure is what is still helping me now working full time, running a business and also running the home. Like some people have mentioned maybe bulk cooking of the food that require longer prep might help. Also pre prepping foods and freezing cuts down cooking time ( though I understand the power situation in Nigeria makes it a bit harder). I bulk boil/grill meat and put them in packs so making stew is just bringing out a pack, blending pepper voila stew is ready in 20/30 mins max. I don't think I spend over 30 mins in the kitchen on weekdays but that means on some weekends I spend 6 hours in there washing and boiling meat, cleaning and portioning fish, chopping, slicing, cooking and freezing so that I have a respite for a couple of weeks. That way even hubby sef can just throw things together if he gets in before me.

She needs structure to her day and it will take time for her to get used to it but you can help with her it. You can use tools like her phone( I have reminders for everything ), even a jotter ( if she will remember to look at it ) and maybe you even sending her prompter text messages.

I have a schedule on my fridge so I cant go in to get milk and not see that the kids have dress up day on the 13th, dentist appointment, gp appointment, swimming lesson, bake day, kumon etc. I also know what weekends will be lighter than the other. So I slot in things that prepare me for the week or next few weeks. I even have days to do which laundry.( darks and coloured on Thursday and whites/lights on Friday). etc.

So help her draw up a schedule e.g Monday grocery shopping for the food for the week, sort the kids uniform for the week ahead, etc. A food timetable might also help as that will eliminate the dilly dallying on what to cook.

You say she is a good wife ,please bear with her and help her where she seems weak. Others have also suggested talking to her of the health issues that come with eating late so i think you should explore that as well.

It takes 21 days to form a habit and if she can follow a schedule for 21 days consecutively you will see that she will eventually get there. Maybe not as perfect as a naturally organised person but at least it will be better. Organised people( you seem like one) naturally cant get people who are not but I guess that what makes life interesting- our differences.

Beautiful

@Huston1

I hope you find an amicable solution.

cococandy:
Because most men are hypocrites. They want faithful and reserved women but can't wait for the slightest opportunity to molest someone else's woman who happens to need something from them.

If they had the power, heavens would fall should someone else try to treat their daughters the way they treat other women.

@bold:

Lols....

The wife waited 16yrs before moving on? Living alone?

Couldn't go to PHC to look for him and kids?

The parents are also not serious/greedy; a man comes to marry your pre-teen daughter and because he promises you he will 'train' her, you marry her off to him. Man happens to be a guguru selling maga in a one-room apartment.

Did they ever go to visit her at any point of the marriage?

Where does the woman want to start from @ 45yrs with no education or responsible family

shyling:
Wise last statement.

Thanks

macarena:
We had been very close friends for over 4yrs. Even though we had our fights and quarrels, we always resolved our differences.
Fastforward to the beginning of this year, when we resumed a new semester in school. He had problems with where he was staying and moved in with me. We never discussed it, he just brought his bags and that was that.
We still had fights and quarrels complete with name-calling but we always made up. We were not dating, we were just friends.
I got jealous when he began getting really close to another girl and looked for every opportunity to lash out at him, disguising the reason I was doing so. That only pushed him further away. At a point he told me he didnt want to be friends, as is customary, I pleaded for another chance but I guess he had made up his mind this time.
Yesternight, we had the worst fight ever! I will admit I started it cos I was tired of him ignoring me.
We insulted each other's parents and said mean things to ourselves. At a point he tore my wrapper and panties, did everything to me apart from putting it in. He even forced me to give him a handjob, he's quite big and easily overpowered me.
I had to leave the house and go somewhere cos I am so ashamed of myself, we both run in the same circles and I don't know how I will ever face him.
I feel so useless, just like a piece of meat.
And the annoying thing is that I love him even though I will take that secret to the grave.
Please how do I move on?
He's an extrovert and can be the life of a gathering while Im the opposite.
How do I avoid him and not pretend it hurts that we are no longer close?
He will be moving out soon and has told me my presence won't be needed in his house. And its all my fault! My troublesome character drove him away.
To the mature people in the house, pls help!

This sounds like a x-rated movie.

5minsmadness...

You mentioned me about 5times on this thread!

I must read it.

They are just joking with them.

It is nothing serious.

flashope:
women got to upgrade jare. women brain and way of reasoning should upgrade those are actually very important

How is a wife depending totally/partially on her husband financially translate to upgrading of reasoning?

What if they like it that way?

crackhaus:
Ladies that will be partially or even sometimes totally dependent on the men they marry, are in the majority.

How is that a bad thing?

Many people still want to go the traditional route when it comes to marriage responsibilities...

The husband provide and the wife takes care of the home.

Not every husband wants an 'independent/earning' wife

baldman:
I am seriously tempted to outline my preferences on here, see if there is anyone who meets or almost meets them and then explore a friendship targeted at a purposeful relationship.

Ok.. I am just going to do that...( God works in mysterious ways). I am looking for a lady with the following attributes:

[b]Christian: ( Born Again preferably CAC/RCCG) Family Background) It will be nice if the parents are well involved in Ministry
Educated: At least first degree with good academic records ( evidence of a budding career or business ( business is preferred)
Personality: Mild Introversion ( I am an extrovert, can talk for Africa, life of the party, multiple chain of friends, big baby etc)
Ministry: Must be involved in Ministry work ( it will be good if she is good with children and old people, I love these people)
Spirituality: She must be someone who understands the significance of ceaseless praying and the fact that we are all that we are by the grace of God ( so she will be humble and be able to exude grace and compassion). For instance, it takes humility and wisdom to even consider this online advert.
Life's ambition: She must be someone who really wants to make heaven and whose life's ambitions are subject to their alignment with that goal.
Ethnic: I am sorry, but I really will prefer a Yoruba Lady ( preferably an Ijesha ( or any other town in OSUN, Oyo or Ekiti)
Age: 24-27[/b]
Physique: Slim with nothing particularly conspicuous
Complexion : Dark ( chocolate)
Eyes: Big or moderate eyeballs with heavy eyelids ( the physical attributes are desirable but not compulsory)
Height: I am 5:8, so that is the maximum height.
Interests (movies, road trips, hosting guests, cooking and fashion)
Dressing: I need it to be obvious from your dressing that you are a Christian ( No rainbow colours on the face, no heavy jewelries and definitely no skimpy dresses outside of the house)
I am sorry, you will also need to still be a VIRGIN. I respect every woman regardless of their sexual history but for this position, a Virgin will be more appropriate.
Location: Preferably Lagos but if you have access to the social media ( location should not be an immediate barrier).

MY CREDENTIALS

I am a christian, male, professional in his early 30s. The qualities I want in my woman ( as stated above) sufficiently defines who I am. If you are interested PM me and you will be free to conduct your due diligence.
[b][/b]

Goodluck on your search.

And I hope the personality you want will also find you to be a worthy husband.

tearoses:
I read it and laughed too, then I took a look around me and looked at the number of marriages collapsing here and there and many of them are Christian marriages which is very sad and alarming too

Being a Christian does not guarantee a good and happy marriage. Infact if at least one of them has been brought up with the wrong doctrine then there is trouble

There is a thread on this section where a man who didnt have sex before marriage suddenly started asking for anal sex immediately after the wedding
scary stuff

I guess being spiritual is not quite enough. One has to have common sense too and follow the right doctrines.

100% on point.

'Religiousity' has absolutely nothing to do with a successful marriage.

Well shows the girl is not serious, untrustworthy and definitely not a keeper.

Guy should better watch it else another guy with a better knowledge of football/ better lyrics will get to her...

But again, she doesn't look like a lady worth keeping.

5minsmadness:
Nah, nigeriansjust enjoy sensationalism.
Each nigerian gender claims that the other is the worst in the world, yet they won't stop marrying each other.



At op, gold-digger alert.
I wont be surprised if the wife is hiding a drug addiction habit.

@Striken: I will say 'everyone'; hear some Americans talk about their women and you will think they are savages....

@Bold: call it fatal attraction

Yes

VolTOxic:
A woman that can account for her spendings, doesn't contribute financially & wants collateral = gold digger. The man shouldn't oblige. If her name pop up on those papers, first thing next morning, will be a divorce paper.

My thoughts too.

However, what kind of marriage do they have? Is there a silent understanding that husband is in charge of finance why wifey handles domestics?

Funny thread!

Yoruba parties are absolutely on point!

The food, drinks and live band.

Omo Yoruba le miii ooooooooooooooooo.. Swagger!

whogoesthere:
The issue of virginity till marriage is one that I've usually wondered about. I've noticed that nowadays it's very difficult for a lady to keep herself till she gets married as compared to back in the days.

I also noticed that some of these ladies are actually good, wife material but for one reason or the other they lost their virginity.

Is it that the modern society puts so much pressure on the girl child or what?? I don't just get it.

Are we talking about lesbians?

serubawon:
It's kind of funny how you plan to do something and something else entirely different happens that dovetails into your plans perfectly. I think imconfused was peeping into my thoughts. As mentioned earlier, I have some questions for the women and I believe their answers will really help me in my project. However, I'm trying to figure out whether I should get into imconfused's topic first. I guess imconfused wins.

Speaking for myself (and maybe for a lot of other guys too), I think I can understand why we (men) think women 'nag', when the women see it as being[b] 'vocally supportive'.[/b] I happen to be one of those men who is a terrible housekeeper, but a whiz in the office. My room looks like the permanent abode of hurricane Katrina, but I can't stand dirty clothes. Washing dishes is like torture to me, but I can spend hours washing my car. It's weird how forgetful I am about the simplest everyday chores in the house, but I can almost remember (word for word), a term paper i wrote over 20 years ago. Maybe it's the way we are wired (I honestly don't know), but we men are slobs, plain and simple.

As always, I'll use myself as an example (because I can vouch for no one but myself ). As opposed to my late wife being aggressive, very outgoing, socially adept and just an ever ready battery all the time; I'm quiet, patient, kind of a procrastinator (maybe more), nerdy (as in I read a lot), and a homebody, it wasn't as if the balance we had just materialized from nowhere. We had to work for it. The earlier it gets done, the better.

The key to getting that balance lies in 'COMMUNICATION', which unfortunately is lacking in a lot of marriages. I believe the men are the biggest perpetrators here. My late wife would go on for hours and I found out that the only way to stay out trouble was to listen and more importantly (keep track of the conversation). After she had had her say, all I had to do was to give her my thoughts of the situation and leave her to decide. Telling her what to do in a commanding tone was inviting war. As the years went by, she gradually took my advice more and more until it got to a time where she wouldn't do anything without my input.

On the other hand, I had to learn to use her strengths to my advantage. I used to be an IT training consultant for banks and other financial institutions. I was not, am not and maybe never will be a hustler or aggressive go-getter. I was great at what I did, but woeful in going after the clients for projects and that really affected me negatively. However, I decided to bring her into the marketing side of my business and it was like magic. She went after the jobs, I executed them. We agreed on a sharing ratio and it worked like a dream. She was an artist when it came to getting a client. I was only needed for the operational aspects and assuring the client that we were competent enough to get the job done.

Where am I going with this? We used this same concept at home and in the bedroom and it worked. However, the main ingredient for the success was effective communication between us. Spoilt said something important and it happens to be very true and unfortunate. We men find it very difficult to say "I'm Sorry". If there are any guys reading this, take it from me as the gospel truth, it works when you apologize. When I found out how much the 'sorry' word could repair damage I had done, I learned to say it in my sleep and mean it too. To us men, saying the word sorry is like demeaning yourself (which is wrong big time). You'll be surprised how much love and warmth you'll receive from your wife when you show that you were wrong and apologize for it.

Woaw!

This is just great.

Congrats on your wedding to Olori.

All the best and speedy recovery of your daughter.

serubawon:
Wow! The responses are completely across the board and honestly, it's only normal for peoples' views to be varied.

In my case, I got married in 1999. Before I met my late wife, I was just a disgrace to responsible manhood. Not that I slept with anything or everything in skirts, no, no. I'm very picky and I loved picking the very difficult ones. The challenge was always a rush for me. Thank God for His mercies. I got born again 3 years before I met my late wife and it helped a lot. For the 1st time in my life, I was dating someone and not having sex with her. It really helped our relationship grow and we could focus on the things that would make our marriage flourish in the future. Things like talking about everything and being honest to each other. The fact that we didn't have sex kind of built up her trust in me tremendously. She knew I wanted to have sex (sooo bad too), but she could see the determination that I would wait till marriage.

Lo and behold, on our wedding night, I found out that she was a virgin and that scared me a bit. I had done everything under the sun in the past. Now, I was scared that the sex was going to be boring because she didn't have any experience. WRONG!!!. God has a way of rewarding you when you've been obedient. Within 6 months, I was the one trying to play catch-up. I remember her telling me one time that she would do anything to ensure that I was satisfied sexually (and she did). Now, even when sex was not on our minds, we could talk and engage ourselves in almost anything because we had 3 years of courtship (without sex) that prepared us for the times when sex was not on the menu.

We were married 6 beautiful years and throughout that period, she would sit in the car the same way she used to sit when we were dating. Even on those times when I had a lot on my mind, she would through a piece of paper in my face while driving and tell me to stop frowning and I'd be smiling like a jackass. For those who think marriage is a curse or prison, I can tell you it's not. It's a wonderful thing when you marry your best friend and do it right.

Maybe that's why 8 years after her passing, I'm still un-married. It took me 7 years to find the right one and I'm going to make sure we do it right. We've been dating almost a year now and it's wonderful. First time I haven't had to compare someone with my late wife and that's a blessing on it's own.

So, what does this all mean? Marry your best friend that understands you in and out. The one that won't freak out when you do some stupid things every once in a while. The one that gives you the benefit of the doubt (even when you don't deserve it). I wish everyone the very best in their marital adventure.

You have my respect.

God bless your new home and affliction will not rise a second time.

@Donald3d:

This is a very impressive write up.

Keep up the good work.

OmoAlata1:
I don't get it, so your wife will allow you to pour your $perm inside of her every time you have sex, but will not let you use her bath sponge? i am confused. Maybe I am missing something

Lol@ pour like say na drum.

Some people were not brought up to share & did not learn to.

5minsmadness:
I'm a typical Nigerian man and i can tell you its the same thing. Let me modify that your list.
Sex, [obedience, well kept home, good food]

Permutate it all you want but know that sex always, always comes first.

You see so many threads on women who "suddenly" discovered that thier men are cheating on them and they wonder why. Its because they relegate sex to the background. They dont take it serious enough. Just as the op wrote there that the women would roll thier eyes when they hear this, but its the plain truth. Deny your man sex, shame him before giving him sex, judge him for liking too much sex, and i assure you he will immediately start losing interest in the whole relationship be you beyonce or Shakira. And by the time you are ready to give him sex you have so hurt his pride that he is no longer interested talk less of attracted to you.




The other things he said are spot on. Being a nag. Men complain about it everyday but women dont take it seriously. And men are not crybabys. They will complain once, twice, and thats it. The next thing to do is seek a solution. And usually the solution is found outside in the form of beer parlours or another woman's listening ear or simply his office/workplace which turns out to be more serene than his home.

Lack of support. So many women are too busy looking for support from the man, they dont realise that sometimes he needs that support as well! It may not be financial per se, but that emotional encourager (you can do it, you are my king, well done sweetheart, everything is going to be all right, dont worry we will manage somehow), all these are like supercharging a man's batteries. He wont come out to tell you he wants to hear it but it works magic especially when it comes from the woman you love and sacrifice for. But he hardly hears it at home. What the typical man hears instead is how he isnt meeting up to expectation, how the school fees havent been paid, why is there no food in the house, why should he make this or that decision, why this, why that. The man spends so much time settling strife with his wife that when a lady outside tells him a kind word he almost falls at her feet.


A man wont tell u that he hates that you are making fun of him. He mentions a particular likeness and his wife retorts "that's for boys, not men!, abeg bring the money lets feed junior, etc. Was he leaving junior to starve before?

All those 50ways to be a woman are mostly stereotypic nonsense, have they worked? And besides do women really read them? The few that make sense still summarise what is written in the op above.

You see things like a man who will cheat will cheat, yet you dont want to know why he is cheating or how to curb it.

More on that later. Busy.

Your opinion on lack of support here doesn't concur with what you said on this thread https://www.nairaland.com/2729627/dear-guys-nothing-prove/2#39940821

Will be back on the thread

CrazyQuinn:
sorry I dont understand you

How did you confirm what men want?

quivah:
good I wasn't the only one who thought so too.

guess I will patiently wait on this one

Welcome to this thread

@Bold: Awaiting too

CrazyQuinn:
Confirmed!!!

Welcome to this thread...

Are you a husband/ did you ask yours?

5minsmadness:
Ah, finally.
Someone talking about what men want for a change!

Welcome to the thread

Women have always heard what men want/ how to be good wives on our side of the divide. Compare the amount of wives/women seminar to that of husbands/men.

This article was written from the POV of a western man/husband.

Wonder what a typical Nigerian's will be like? Perhaps chores, well kept home, obedience, good food, sex, etc.??


Modified to welcome you

Let the comments keep pouring in!