₦airaland Forum

raumdeuter:
A stay at home Husband too who doesnt do domestic chores can be the trophy husband and that is the value he is adding

Haha haha haha haha!

Trophy husband

She he will be gyming to have six packs and not complain if his wife cheats on him?

All he needs is to have six packs, groom his teeth well and prance in front of the mirror all day

Besides, Caroline was married as a trophy wife; the husband became a trophy husband half way.

What if the poor wife didn't bargain for a trophy husband?

Mamatee07:
It's true now, anyone who doesn't bring anything into a relationship is useless. It's the same as a housewife who expects the husband to come home and do all the domestic chores. Like you said what's he's own contribution? When someone takes over your responsibility you show gratitude by reliving him/her of some of theirs. It's common decency

Common decent is not always common.

Bolade005:
A man who used to provide and later find himself not capable is not to be blamed for anything. It will most certainly be as a result of factors far beyond him and I am sure a real man would do anything and everything to change the situation. He's just unlucky but a woman who can't perform her primary role is nothing but LAZY.

A man who can't provide is unlucky
A woman who can do her primary duty is lazy..

Read 1 Tim 5 : 8

Let's see if the Bible agrees with you.

Yes,

I have a serious problem with it.

Loving father, grateful wife, fool.ish wife.

This picture should be imprinted in her heart and passed on in loving memory to their son and NOT shared on the net for us to see/validate.

Acidosis:
It's simple!


Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands.



Husbands love your wives.


This principle has worked for all successful marriages I know. It worked for my grandparents; it worked for my parents (over 30 years in marriage, yet I've never seen them fight/yell/or shout at each other).

This same principle/ethics will I uphold in my family, and same would be passed to my children. Even if Obama legalizes marriage between man and pig, my own ethics and principles STAND.

@bold:

Are they 'African' values? If anything, they are the 'white man's values; afteral, he brought the Bible you quoted.

Cc: lezz

Mamatee07:
Such a man is as useless as a piece of furniture

Mama don vex!

bukatyne:
Forget about my world and what I believe
A wife who wants her primary role shared is laazy...
A man who can't perform his primary role is?

Answer my question above and stop dancing about

Bolade005:
You created a pseudo-scenerio in your head and we still beat you around it. Just resign yourself to fate and accept your primary role. Complain not and enjoy "it".

Bolade005:
Stop assuming everyone lives in your world. Just because you don't have that luxury doesn't mean others don't. Is everybody living in Lagos? Don't we have people in even that Lagos that work within trekkable distance? Aren't there organisations where they close as early as 2pm?

Yes, some people do get home before 4pm. If you find that hard to believe, then sorry, I can't help you.

Forget about my world and what I believe

A wife who wants her primary role shared is laazy...

A man who can't perform his primary role is?

raumdeuter:
In your example do you actually think caroline does any domestic work or has an army of domestic staff supervised by another Personal assistant all paid for by the husband

So what is her usefulness in this setup

She's a trophy wife & must look good and trim by fire by force.

That is the value she's bringing.

Bolade005:
Doing domestics is the only way for a man to invest his time in a marriage?

If a woman does all she needs to do before leaving the house for work, the man won't have any chores to do while the woman is away at work.

Any woman that leaves certain daily chores undone before going to work is a lazy woman. Infact, any woman that wants her primary role shared/divided is a lazy woman.

And a man who can't provide?..... What does the Bible say? 1 Tim 5 : 8

And women do all the chores in the morning before going to work..... and come back by 4pm?

Bolade005:
1.Going by your second model, if husband provides while wife does domestic chores, that means when husband can't provide, both man and wife are at home. If so, wife just continue with her domestic chores. She's been doing it so why stop? Nothing changes.

2. In another scenerio where the man provides while wife does domestic chores and still work at the same time and man could no longer provide, if she was doing domestic chores while working when the man was providing then she should still do both when the man no longer provides. Nothing changes about her "time". She still work the same hours so why does the man now have to join in domestic chores?

Let's take this scenerio as example;
3. Man provides , wife works and return home by 4pm and do her chores without complaint. Now husband no longer provides and wife still goes to work and return by the same 4pm, what's the big deal in her continuing with her chores when nothing changes about her? She still got the same time to do what she has always been doing so what help does she need? The man is not "useless" because his help is not even needed. If he offers it, fine and if not, she should just deal with it.

4. It's okay to talk about his "usefulness" only when the woman now have to work "EXTRA-TIME".

5. It's all about TIME.

1. That the wife does domestics doesn't mean she doesn't work; she gets the job done however because it's her role.

2. I agree with you the working hours of the wife doesn't change.... however, what would be the husband's contribution to the relationship at that time he can't provide finance (which is his roles)? In every healthy relationship, we invest time, money, help, services etc. make the relationship go smoothly. If you can't invest A you normally invest, it is expected you look for something else to invest.

3. Let's adopt your 4:00pm... (though I don't know the job people get home by 4:00pm ). What does the husband at that point in time invest in the home since he can't invest his money?...

4. The husband has to invest his time/services more as that is what he has at his disposal. The longer she does, the more he has to invest.

5. Obviously

P.S.: This is why there is usually friction in model 2 when the man is unfortunately out of job and is un-willing to invest his time into the marriage.

darkenedrebel:
There's nothing he can possibly proffer in rebuttal.
When parallels are drawn, the circumstances prevalent in the two things in comparison - in this case in the two different eras - have to be brought to the front and centre, and have to, in spades, bear similitude before it can be bucketed as a reasonable line of argument.

I thought this was entitled: 'What is the African marriage about and what is its values?'.

Discussions as usual have gone off at a tangent with little to nothing to take home.

Lols!

Where is the OP sef?

Joavid:
against it.

What if you & some wonderful families grow your kids together and subtly mate your kids together?

kikayboss:
fellow NL members...the increasing cases of domestic abuse is alarming, where men beat their wives and some even beat to death.
women everywhere are telling fellow women to leave abusive husbands the first time they get slapped and stuff.
But I've been wondering why no one looks at it from the male angle,some wives and girlfriends push their partners to this.

PLEASE WHEN SHOULD A MAN KICK HIS AN ABUSIVE & TROUBLESOME WOMAN OUT OF HIS LIFE

#FEMINISTS in the house please i need ur opinions on this ((because na only when una hear say man beat him wife we go see una headlights))

note::ANY WOMAN THAT PUSHES A MAN TO BEHAVE LYK AN ANIMAL BY BEATING HER IS A BLOODY WITCH FROM THE PIT OF HELL

men be wise and don't bear a woman till she makes you a **Lekan shonde**...flee from her

I don't know what 'ANY WOMAN THAT PUSHES A MAN TO BEHAVE LYK AN ANIMAL BY BEATING HER IS A BLOODY WITCH FROM THE PIT OF HELL' means.

If your wife 'pushes' you, you have several choices of stopping the impending violence before you are pushed to retaliate with violence

1. Report her to her family
2. Tell her never to behave like an agbero again

crackhaus:
Get over it Mrs sensitive.

Mr. Disrespectful;

You post a disrespectful comment on a thread and expect me to 'get over it' in another?

I would expect you would put enough thoughtfulness into responding to monikers especially when you did not have a previous roforofo with them.

Bolade005:
What exactly do you expect him to do? Mop the floor, wash the plates shey?

Well, I'm not against any man that do these chores, what I'm against is the woman imposing such chores on a man. Its not going to happen. If he doesn't willingly do them, then that's the end of it. Why should he abdicate the woman of her primary role because he is home all day?

If she does her job so well, these things won't even pile up enough to be issue.

Will a woman like Caroline Danjuma expect Musa to do her job after clothing, housing and feeding her?. This whole chore thing becomes issue only when the man and the woman brings in almost the same thing to the table or the woman brings more. Y'all don't even have the gut to raise it when the man is the main provider in the home and you contribute zilch despite the fact that you work too.

There are loosely two models of handling roles and one is in discussion here.

1. Both provide and both do domestics
2. Hubby provide and wife do domestics.

And we are discussing model 2 here....

Caroline Danjuma is probably running model 2 and her husband provides so why is she in discussion here?

My question again is what is the use of a husband in model 2 who doesn't do domestics when he doesn't provide?

Octobertwentysix:
I have never seen any that refused it cos our mother's had already told us about it. What I know is that most young couples usually fall back to it. Some ladies use theirs to start a business or buy gold necklace with it, many use theirs to buy sewing machine. I don't think any lady will turn it down knowing fully well that the money will be given to her, cos its usually a large sum.

It is all good.

@laraoge

You have gotten good advises already.

I will say at 27 & 34, you both have a lot of compromising and bending backwards to do. You are bringing different baggage into it and need to learn, unlearn and re-learn new things aka learning what your man/woman wants and not what 'all men/women want'

This is the time to really learn to respect other views and actually listen to what one another is saying without jumping into conclusion. No more this is how it is done in my family etc. and be open to new ideas without losing your principles.

Goodluck on your journey... not easy but worth it at the end if he's the one.

Joavid:
you are what you attract.

am not scared one bit for my future daughter cod I and my husband will set an example for her and she would be confident and smart to know her worth, not to settle for nonsense, also save in the believe that some mother's like me will train thier sons to be a good man, father and husband.

What do you think of arranged marriages?

therealMcCain:
Lol

Yes but it ain't easy

It is well.

bellong:
@Bukatyne,

How are you? Quite an age..

How far?

I am splendid & you?

Alfa dey mosque..

How's your Lady friend with Kidney probs doing?

darkenedrebel:
Were all the marital unions in the days of yore all beds of lilies?. I'm sure a boxful of them must have been fraught with irregularities as well.

And yes, a LOT has changed - 'Times have changed' and the proverbial boot, as they say, is now on the other foot.

Before matrimonies of the preceding decades can be benchmarked against those of today, some factors would first, have to be duly considered and taking into account.

For example: were the environmental conditions in that particular Zeitgeist kindred with those of today?
.

•I reckon that back then, there was no internet; neither were there social media platforms.

•High valuation was also never placed on the education of the womenfolk.

•Back then, women were primarily stay-at-home partners and never, partially or plenarily assumed the roles of the financial beams of the family.

•Back then, there was no inflationary spiral of wage and price increases.

•Back then, there were no TVs or telephones.

•Back then, a vast majority of the connubial institutes were contractually orchestrated - 'love' was usually a secondary factor in most cases; a concept which is at steep variance with the typical relationship of today where 'love' is a queen factor and unions are no longer prearranged by the parents of the male and female involved.

So yes, a LOT has changed and you appear to be a little bit behindhand.

Your question should have been structured thusly: 'How can the modern-day marriage be well-adjusted to the changing times?'.

Good points.

Let the OP answer us.

Gaborone:
I don't know what an African marriage is, hence, knowing it's values does not arise.

All I know is 'marriage' as an institution created by God, and I would love to think I know some of the values needed to maintain it. Nothing more.

@bold: lols! When I hear African anything on this forum, I don't wanna hear it. Nothing good ever came out of it.

@amakoro;
Define African marriage values that have gone extinct.

P.S.: Those 'gals' in your picture doesn't depict old African values. I sure know that my mom's ladies in waiting did not wear leggings

laraoge:
Please House, I am curious as well as confused to know how much of arguments is too much to be called healthy in a relationship.Am talking about arguing on trivial issues based on individual differences.I hope to get Mature Advice from relationship experts and married ones in the house.please help a troubled soul..


cc:mindfulness
cc:bukatyne
and all other posters I've read their insightful comments in the family section, pls come to my aid o

Hi

Thanks for the mention.

How long have you dated?
What are your age range?

therealMcCain:
What will be my returns

Returns ke?

Do I look like a thrift society?

So how did it go... On a serious note?

Found good uses for your salary?

The sentence is too short.

Acidosis:
At this juncture, we might need to ask OP this: "when did you resume the sales rep job?"

May be they had issues about the job from the onset...etc.

@divalishis:

When did you start working as a sales rep?

teemy:
Let us assume the belief was that she would have gotten better over time.

... 4 more comments to go

Then why are you in a hurry for her improvement?

Over time can be 1 week or 10 years.

raumdeuter:
Well it happens in relationship, when one party thinks I brought this into the relationship so you should cherish me forever

It can be the virginity or it can be that I picked you up from nowhere(Teebillz) or I financed your education, I saved you from an abusive relationship so you owe me for life

Atimes its better to have 2 equally flawed people, 2 broke people, 2 equally educated/uneducated people marrying themselves. So no one is feeling he/she is doing the other a favor

@Bold:

Slight modification...

It is always better...

I am a firm believer of water seeking its own level.

nnamdibig:
Thought am the only person that saw this.
Trying to hide what you do with your phone will definitely cause problems. If you think it's harmless why hide it?

She has explained herself

Acidosis:
She has used the word 'virginity' severally, and I'm beginning to read different meanings to her concern.

On her path, she feels the fact that she married the man a virgin is enough for her husband to trust her (even if she interacts with men clandestinely)!

As a matter of fact, her 'virginity' status is the reason the husband is overly guiding his wife jealously.

To end this whole drama, @OP, continue to give him reasons to trust you. A time will come when his insecurity will end. At the moment, you've given him too many reasons to distrust you, e.g. threatening everyone with your rich customers. No man loves competition.

If the sales rep is as I understand it, she will continually interact with men in the secret and openly to close deals.( with no evil intentions)

She will have to meet with clients outside official hours for new opportunities.

A sales(wo)man they say works 24hrs.

And there are some customers that when they cough, you bend backwards 180°....

So....

raumdeuter:
A tear rubber toto is the greatest gift to menfolks. Bukatyne abi no be so?

You should be the one to tell us na.

The OP's husband should 'cherish' her that she was pure Abi? If opinions around is anything to go by.

I doubt Acidosis answer here.

Let the OP answer.