₦airaland Forum

tearoses:
Equality has been mentioned in a few places on this thread

I dont think that men will suddenly stop providing because their wives provide
They may not duplicate what their wife is providing, but they will still spend the money on something else
If ive bought my daughter a dress for a party, then there is no need oga giving me money to buy another dress, but he can still spend the money on a pair of shoes, even if its for himself.
He does have a right to look after himself too

@Bold:

They need to pay a fine...

I deliberately did not bring it in so it doesn't muddle up the discussion and have peeps dividing along groups.

@ post:
I said same o, I was given examples. I am sure about 4 people will not say same thing if they had not seen examples. You know when you are the only one saying it is not so and others are saying see titi, see shola, see uche and you remember their stories and shut up . Others even give you personal experience and you go woaw!

raumdeuter:
1. Are you serious? So if the man had paid rent in March and while in July time to pay school fees he decides its the time for the wife to do her part? whats wrong with that? I stay awake all night and sleep during the day and you say its wrong to sleep during the day? Did this woman tell you who pays the rent and other bills in her house?

2. If thats true then whats wrong in someone who has been doing solely before take a break to spend on other things that suffered when he was the sole carrier?

3.If you were the sole carrier for a while and your husand starts to work and earn good, whats wrong in you taking a break and take care of yourself while the party that has been doing nothing before now contribute his own share.?

4.She has the option of refusing to pay rents and find where she would stay, She can go outside and rent a house where she wouldnt need to pay rent. Is there anywhere she would leave without paying rents? would she ask her landlord to show her the house documents then?

1. He doesn't pay rent.
2. Like shoes
3. I will definitely not take a break when there is need to pay a major bill (unless it has been settled fore hand)
4. Raumdeuter!

tearoses:
Back to the provider and chores thingy
Personally I think some people take marriage too seriously, like a business agreement
Black and white only and no shades of grey
Where is the love and where is the care
Where is the team work?
What is the common goal
Does it really matter who does what?
Or should the better suited person just do it?
After money and chores there are hundreds of other things that makes up the marriage
Many of which cant be divided into 2
We run a joint account, so everything is jumbled up anyway, but it doesn't matter because its all still ours.
Whoever comes home first starts dinner
Why is it always finance and chores together
Why not finance and child discipline or chores and maintenance or finance and kids homework?
If junior has maths homework, the parent who is better at maths should help him regardless of who brings in more money.

Well, we just romanced marriage, it had been business agreement all along.

Chores (food, cleaning & kids) & finance is the major division.

The thread obviously does not address people who do things jointly or anyone can pick up anything as they see the need. Some husbands wait 3 hours for their wives to make dinner; some wives wait for their husbands before re-filing the gas....

I know a husband who while working out of the state brought home his dirty laundry for the wife to wash... his wife has cooked meals straight from the hospital.... He does not do a chore in the home or discuss with his wife....

And his wife will expect her husband to pay her back when she replaces the curtains or repairs a thing @ home.

I know another wife who would 'apologize' to her hubby if he has to babysit their child for few hours.

Not everyone believes in the 'anyone can do anything' thingy.

raumdeuter:
This thread is about equality. Equality is the undertone.

A wife contributes "equally", shouldnt a husband contribute to domestic work"equally" to ensure no one is not treated unequal

I went back to the OP to see if I missed something...

This thread is not about equality, I created it. I don't even know what equality in chores ought to mean...How do you split chores down to the middle?

I was focusing more on a woman still expected to pick up most of the chores when her hubby is out of work & stays at home.

raumdeuter:
The stealing from her, we cannot say for certain, Its only Tiwa that said it.

I am certain if he also had a 50mins video he would say some damaging things should we believe every of what he says too?

I have heard before on this forum that spouses cannot steal from each other or is this only when its the woman doing the taking?

https://www.nairaland.com/42446/woman-steal-husband/3

https://www.nairaland.com/146868/steal-spouse

https://www.nairaland.com/1294705/what-wife-steals-money-she

https://www.nairaland.com/593165/does-taking-money-husband-make/1

https://www.nairaland.com/1257382/what-wrong-taking-money-hubbys

I believe the same set of people who supported wifes "taking from their husband, Would be mad Teebillz "took" from Tiwa. So where is this equality?

I cannot speak for everybody and this thread is not about 'equality' [size=2pt]who started this equality talk sef?[/size]

Teebliz remitting N3m to Tiwa out of N4.5m (keeping N1.5m to himself) and still collecting 40% of the N3m (and later pocketing the N1.8m left for her) is stealing.

You are right she might be lying.

tearoses:
Just got back in from the city
I was standing on the platform and the train drew in
There was a gentleman in front of me when the doors opened
He stood back and beckoned that I entered the carriage first
There was only one empty seat
I stood back a little and he beckoned again and asked me to take it

Then I remembered this thread and equality and everything else
If that man had rushed to get that seat, I know the kind of looks people would have given him
Yet he probably needed it more than me, I dont know

Some things men just do and some things women just do

raumdeuter:
That post was about asking for equality in everything not picking one part to ask for equality.
If you are a senior accountant that take more responsibility and a colleague who takes less responsibility. Doesnt complain but when it gets to getting official car, she starts asking for equality
Maybe women would do better to start asking for equality to do the heavier energy sapping chores, doing the proposals and buying rings, equality in paying for dates, equality in doing tough courses
I would be impressed the day women ask for equality in joining the military, equality in number of people fighting Boko Haram, equality in digging wells, working on oil rigs and not just equality in cozy office jobs

Thread was never about equality, it was about roles and the new 'myth' in town that men no longer handle finances once their wives are contributing.

raumdeuter:
WHy should the husband provide what he used to do when he was the only one working now that they have 2 hands

He doesn't anymore..... instead of contributing half, he contributes nada

raumdeuter:
1. Does a man who work not have rights to buy himself shoes, Ask the wife, how much shoes she has bought herself since she started making money. So he couldn't buy shoes before now what is wrong with him buying shoes

If the house need 500K per month and the man was the only one providing it, Are you expecting him to continue dropping 500k even when the wife is making her own money?.

And he buys the shoes when it is time to pay school fees? A man has the right to buy whatever he likes.... however, there is time for everything. It is same as a woman changing her bags and shoes while the husband is hustling to pay rent & fees..

Should the proverbial man start dropping zero?

raumdeuter:
2. If the husband is dropping money for something else why should he drop money for taking care of the kids? If he pays the rent, buys the cars pay the bills should he also pay for the kids? So what does the wife do with her own money?

The husband does nada because the wife would not ask. I do not know who handles the rent though. Every other bill, the wife handles because she doesn't ask him.

raumdeuter:
3. So why is she having a problem with paying half the mortgage of the house she stays in? Does anyone stay free anywhere in the world? If she doesnt want to pay half the mortgage would she park out and stay elsewhere for free rent??

She has a problem paying half & fully furnishing a house she has not seen the documents while she handles the feeding and all other expenses.

She earns half of his pay.


I want to believe you are just playing the devil's advocate.

ronald4lif:
In such arrangement then I don't mind rolling on equal footing but I don't know if there's any such thing as sole domestic responsibility. Maybe not to me coz I don't see the possibility of staying in a house I don't partake in the domestic affairs.

That will be me seeing the house dirty and untidy etc and not clean it coz I foot the bills. This is ludicrous and practically impossible.

Ok, I get you.

@ Bold: Very possible.

Mindfulness:
It is and it also reveals the misunderstanding in all of it. People think it is about money and power or authority or even feminism when in fact it is about time, energy and the well-being of the person you are actually supposed to love, respect and honor. Which husband would want his wife to work double as much as he does and still expect her to be happy, healthy and beautiful?

I have seen such a marriage. The woman died very young.

RIP to her.

Next you hear women get older than their husbands not looking at the fundamental issue.

Acidosis:
A man MUST do chores. But a man must not be relegated exclusively to HOME work.

A woman can contribute to the family purse if she has the means.

You have issues with a husband staying at home for a while....

1. A man loses his job unfortunately and has to stay at home a while till he gets another
2. A man works from home
3. He earns the proverbial N200k and wifey earns N1m and someone needs to stay at home with the kids a while.

What is your take on the above ?

Strange....

1. Why didn't the woman raise alarm when he was caressing her?
2. How did he successfully pull down his boxers on the queue without getting noticed?

I tried not to tie 'equality' in this discourse because it is very broad and not white and black.

I was more focused on 'roles'

raumdeuter:
Tearoses and onegai

Well said. After the initial hot head, i the next few weeks calmer heads and reasoning would follow and you would see that both of them Tbillz and Tiwa are just 2 irresponsible individuals

What both of them had done to get to where they are today are things no average person would do or be proud of

The problem i had with Teebliz was

1. He brought their shit online
2. He was stealing from her.

All these he slept around, she did not cook, she slept with ABC b/4 marriage, edible caterer, cocaine and drugs, verbal abuse etc. are non-issues to me. (for their class).

ronald4lif:
I don't believe in gender roles. House chores and financing the home can be shared between couple with anyone undertaking the chores they think its appropriate. No roles should be defined and allocated.

I also won't say coz Wifey is a sit-at-home mum and not partake in house chores. It is my responsibility to keep the house clean, tidy, fix meals and nurse my baby, married/working or not.

However, I won't accept any gender equality arrangement when I'm the sole financier of the house. Any woman who wants equality with me must take responsibility and contribute to the home financing.

In Teebills case the wife was the breadwinner and he shouldn't complain if he's the one taking care of their child. A woman won't feeds you and still retire home to nurse kids and prepare meals. Head of the family shouldn't be a show of gasconade but must come with responsibility.

@Bold, what if you are solely responsible for finance and she is solely responsible for domestics?

Mindfulness:
It is not even about money in the first place. It is about fairness. If the two of you work from 9-5 and you come home and expect her to continue working while you have the luxury of relaxing, then something is seriously wrong.

If the woman is willing to take this nonsense .... well, not my problem, at the end of the day.

Absolutely the crux of this thread.

You can also add you stay at home and expect her to come from work and work for you at home, then there is something doubly wrong.

Acidosis:
Yes

Meanwhile, a woman establishing her man can be done in many ways. Personally, I don't think I would be comfortable to beg my wife for money. The best I could do is to "borrow", and make a refund with interest.

* So you believe a husband shouldn't do chores; ok
* Should a wife contribute to the family purse?

raumdeuter:
These roles OP is talking about starts from when they are young and women are taught they are the inferior ones, the ones that should be allowed to sit first, enter vehicle first. who can hit people without any repercussion If they were equal why would anyone need to stand up or enter before anyone?

Then into teenage, men are given physically harder stuffs to do than women because they are women and men take the hit.

When dating the man is expected to woo, then spend all he has to get the girl, in a typical Nigerian setting the spending while dating is usually 90% from the mans side

The proposal in most cases is expected to be done by the men and most of the spending even for the wedding

So they get into the wedding the cry for equality starts. The same equality they never cared about at any point in their life when it comes to carrying heavy weights, relationship spending, dong tough courses in school. AT that time all you hear is "Are you not the man"

And are the women not trained to do all the chores and answer yes sir to the men while at it?

The society has mapped out the duties...

Men: Provide/give bullshit
Women: Chores/take bullshit

I am sure no woman whose husband provide will ever complain she does the domestics alone (even if it is much for her).

It becomes an issue when Party A expect B to handle part of his/her area and is inflexible. I remember a thread of a man whose wife stayed late in her shop (so she wasn't effective at home) and still wasn't contributing to the family purse. It is either she started contributed or stop selling. No eating cake and having it.

raumdeuter:
When the couple dont share bills the husband was probably killing himself working all round the clock 16hrs per day but his wife starts to work and he cuts down to 8hrs per day to have a better and longer life

But to these women that means he is slacking he isnt bringing in as much and now making the wife spend her hard earned money on her family instead of on herself

That is an example of the man slacking

Why this myth that a husband who is the sole provider is working 24hrs a day to make ends meet? In Nigeria, people rarely have side businesses they physically attend to everyday after their 9 - 5 so a sole provider works same hours with a co-provider.

That said, these women said their husbands no longer provide (what he has) once they see their wives are willing to contribute...

E.g. 1: a husband buys shoes of N150k while his wife is cutting costs to pay their daughter's fees. This wife is also responsible for feeding and they do not pay rent.

E.g. 2: a husband does not drop any money for taking care of their kid because she doesn't ask.

E.g. 3: another husband expected his wife to pay 50% of their mortgage (she earns half of his salary & has not seen the documents of the house till date). She also took a loan to furnish the home and takes care of feeding. (I think this is every a different case)

These are three examples I can remember.

HaneefahRN:
Very interesting thread.
I think all these is influenced by the Society, upbringing and most importantly the people involved.
When a man helps his wife with domestic chores in whatever form it might be, he is perceived as a woma. wrapper or some people will even say he has been bewitched.
Some people don't let their male children cook, wash plates, sweep or even fetch water, just eat and go and start playing football or go play in a neighbours house while his sisters do the chores, so he would naturally see helping out his wife with chores as beneath him.

Like there was this male neighbour of mine in the face-me- I slap you, I lived in school. I always feel nauseated when he is having a call with his gf, like if he is washing his clothes, he would be telling her 'you know what I'm doing is your job', or how he can't wait to be married, so he wouldn't have to do all these anymore (like he couldn't wait to have his own personal slave to clean up after him and cook for him), and this is someone always making noise about never marrying a liability, how his wife must bring something to the table yet he is already dreaming of putting his own chores on her shoulders.


About the bride price stuff, in as much as I see no reason for it since some people use this as an excuse to maltreat their wives. But I say, it really doesn't matter as it depends more on the individuals involved.
I have a very close family friend, the bride's wife charged the groom's family well, the anchors of the wedding also did their own plus we had to travel a bit far for the wedding but the man treats his wife like an egg. He is a medical Dr so has a busy job but whenever he is around they do everything together, he can pound yam while she makes the soup. You will wish to go and get married when around them. They are like two friends living together. And the wife doesn't even have a job yet.



And there is another couple (I've said this story before on here), the wife only took the Holy Book from him and they didn't have any flamboyant wedding.
The woman has 2 kids, does all the house chores and still contributes to the family's finance. She resumes 7:30 am to work while the husband resumes, 9-10am. She was late for work and asked the husband to help in feeding their baby while she finishes up other chores and her dressing, the man asked her if he looks like a nanny husband and refused to feed his own baby like this will reduce his manliness. At the end of the day, the Proprietor of the school noticing the woman's countenance was the one that fed the child.

That is the terrible mentality some men have. So even if you get married to such men without bride price, he might only see the wife like someone pointed out as a.
'cheaper slave '

Agree it depends on the mentality of the couple.

Acidosis:
My advice to men is to be careful and endeavor to iron out issues before they settle down with a woman.

There is an ongoing culture where women do not see any wrong in providing for the home as long as the man is ready to wash dishes, mop the floor, and do other household activities.

A man is made the HEAD and no amount of globalization can change that. If your husband is broke, the ideal thing is to help him out (get a job or establish him), do not think it is wise for you to stand as the provider while your husband take the chores.

My own understanding of marriage is instituted by God, that's why people like me accept the principles of Church wedding.

It is on record that the coalition of Satan with Eve is what led to the fall of ADAM. The same Satan through the activities of Jezebel instituted majority of the sexual sins in the world today (e.g. gay marriage, lesbianism, etc.).

Noteworthy is the fact that the same sets of people who support same-sex marriage are the same people behind feminism, and the belief that a woman can work while the husband handles chores.

The question then is: WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY REVERSING the values and heritage of our fathers that made their marriages stand strong till death??

What is wrong in a man being the HEAD, and the woman the HELPER as instituted by the principles of Church marriage??

What is wrong with "you people"?

First, this post has no correlation with this thread.

Secondly, don't you think a woman establishing her husband is going against the 'natural' order of headship? And if a husband does the chores, does it strip him of his headship?

[quote author=postmann post=45604125][/quote]I can't quote you.

Kindly re-post so I can respond.

Thanks

raumdeuter:
Things like weeding the environment, electrical fixes, mechanical fixes should this be part of a domestic duties too? Or do these duties get shared?

How many times do you do these things in a week/month? How many people actually do these tasks themselves? Can we also share pregnancy and breastfeeding?

raumdeuter:
When it comes to finances, Its I want a traditional man who works and fend for his family, when it comes to domestic duties, Its I want a modern man who cooks and clean

Well, this thread was never about that.

We now have more of 'I want women to keep their traditional roles while they also contribute financially'

@craziebone:

Good day

I did not really follow the saga and had to refresh my memory....

I went to a mixed secondary school and my take is

1. the teacher might be handling the students on a mutual kentro level. It is not also impossible he went to female junior hostels dressed as 'black man' etc. to grope and stare at them. I do not believe he can successfully rape a student in the hostel without raising alarms.

2. He offended a female student/ fellow teacher and they set him up.

Since he has been vindicated, he is innocent and the accusers tender public apologies and pay damages if required.

Before you accuse a person, get your facts right.

P.S.: I will acknowledge the easiest and cheapest way to 'set up' a guy as a female is to scream rape/sexual assault and domestic violence in this age of campaigns against violence and sexual assault. This is the reason men should learn to comport themselves well and carry themselves in an appropriate manner.

If you respect yourself as a man and conduct yourself decently with women, it will be harder to stick the rap of violence/assault on you.

And I doubt this has to do with feminism.

raumdeuter:
Good. Why I was surprised was because most of the female posters hammered about being married, While I have always been of the opinion that living together sharing highs and lows of life and being committed to one anothers success are what matters in a male-female relationship not exactly the marriage ceremony. I once had the discussion with bukatyne

There are several people in this our country both educated and illiterates who just moved in and several yrs together they are still together while people like Solomon Akiyesi have been married like 4 times

This topic again

They are already living together and doing all the shindgin so why can't they just do a small court ceremony and be legal?

I don't believe that her getting married will make the guy more faithful or change the dynamics of their union..... It surely makes the kids legal.

Apologies I have been MIA

Good morning everyone

@beebee24:

Get married first. You sound like you live together so I do not see where the no money part is coming up.

Do a small court wedding & get a fantastic photographer to capture the memories in a beautiful way forever.

@School and baby: I understand his point. He is 34 this year & not a so young man. He has also met you halfway... Have a baby & after 9mths when the babe is weaned, go for your nursing degree.

He has proven to be faithful in the past, you have nothing to fear.

Good luck.

Mindfulness:
The statement is somewhat illogical.

If the couple shares the bills, the husband does not need to provide as much as he would have to if he had to provide alone. It doesn't mean he slacks or is reluctant.

Such couples have more money on average and invest more, be it in a bigger house, new properties, dream holidays or you name it. They may also decide to save.

I believe that most husbands whose wives contribute do not slack or become reluctant or lazy but make the best out of the wife's contribution. Well, this would be common sense, I guess.

This was my point & I was 'defeated' with examples... Two or three I know personally amongst others

They said wives must always demand from hussy whether they have it or not so they do not forget their 'duties'.

Jahblessme:
If you are being maltreated because of brideprice,pls set up standing order monthly to his account and pay off so that you can be set free.
If you highlight to your parents that you will be punished after marriage because you were sold as property,i'm sure they will reject all lists and monies.

Truth is if a person is a jerk,he will keep on being a jerk.

tBillz made the mistake of just being a lay about in the marriage.Work you no wan work,stay at home dad you no sabi,it's only to eat peoples wives food and whinge that he's an expert in.So he was entirely useless and not contributing anything to the home.Stay at home Dad is not a crime,if agreed he locks down the homefront while wifey hustles since shes better at it.If he had accepted his role in the marriage would we be hearing stories that touch? You cannot be entirely hopeless,the other partner will resent it.
Money isnt all that makes a home function,2 partners joining hands together forgetting gender is the answer.The outcome should be what is the best for the family in that situation,not i'm a man or i'm a woman.Do the one you can do or the one your abilities allow you to.

I believe it is when there is insecurity that you start hearing arguments of who is head of home.When you encourage your partner by your deeds and support,when you show you are sensible and you are willing to sacrifice anything for the good of your home pride included..you will inspire love,respect and loyalty without useless arguments.

Eg in a situation where the woman earns like £100,000 and the man earns £20,000 ,childcare for the kids £20,000 yearly,it's more sensible that woman goes and does the work while man arranges the home.Being stay at home parent is HARD WORK! Running after kids,meals,cleaning etc.Bloody exhausting! Both partners have free access to finances and make joint decisions the most sensible one winning out.I cannot understand why this arrangement cannot work between 2 sensible people.It's far better than lying around and moaning about being head of home.

My opinion though

Hmmmmmmmm

Good one.

tearoses:
1. I didnt quite understand what you are saying here
Are you saying that once women contributes the man stops feeling the need to provide?

2. You didn't answer my questions above

Is it okay for a man to expect his wife to get out of bed at 2am to go and switch the gen on or off?
Should she kill a snake if she sees one in the house?
Should she be in charge of repairing and servicing the car?

3. You do know that its easier to go to work and make money than doing all these chores
8 hours at work and he is done to put his feet up
the 16 hours left nko?
Is that for the woman only to deal with?

1. Yes, you got me. Got it from my colleagues though I think it is very strange. They had examples in and out of the office sha

2. Those duties are really not part of the domestics and does not occur frequently.

3. I so agree with you that's why I feel the traditional method especially when the wife equally works is bullshit.

sweetcocoa:
Nobody wants to address what I said about religion abi? Okay o, you people should keep running from the truth.


The bible already said women were made for men but the man wasn't made for the woman, it says women should submit to their husbands, you go to church everyday and you are told how Sarah used to call Abraham her lord, you are told to emulate her and whatnot, yet you people are here solely blaming BP, oya na.

Don't even get me started on islam.

Religion/people's understanding & interpretation also pays a very huge part.

Kachisbarbie:
Food for thought...

This issue has a lot to do with upbringing, if a male child is trained to wash cars, never enter the kitchen... you don't expect him to grow and act otherwise (Anaghi amu aka ikpa n'ochie _ for my igbo peeps .

I don't think enlightened men play this role thingy. A leader is supposed to LEAD (i.e) he is in front and I follow suit. He washes and I rinse ...

Lols @ he washes, you rinse.

His upbringing and his values determines how he views these issues.

Octobertwentysix:
Women do am from Kalabari in Rivers State my bride price was handed over to me on the day of the traditional rite I still remember the women telling to put it in my handbag and spend it on anything I like not to talk about the big box of different wrappers which I don't even use and some families charge as high as 200k amidst other things/money for family members no wonder our men always feel like lords after the marriage.

Woaw!

Can a woman decide not to collect since it is to her directly?