₦airaland Forum

Blade21:
great advice I like you can be E friends great advice I like you can be E friends

Lol!

Thank you

+1 E-friend

Hope say your blade no go cut me sha

[quote author=thorpido post=45993203[b]]@24yrs old,the guy is too young to know exactly what direction ge is going[/b] and he is being truthful with you by letting you know he can't make promises now.You're 21yrs old and you should also pay more attention to your studies rather than thinking about marriage with someone who cannot even commit.[/quote]@bold:

Some 24yr olds know what they want out of life.

byvan03:
Bukatyne has said all, leave this little boy to grow and consider other things she pointed out too.

Thanks dear.

@Myhonor:

You are 21yrs and he's 24yrs....

You are not old yet not too young to know the direction of your relationship.
.
Baby doctor has told you he is not interested/he hasn't thought of a long time relationship and I must say I give him kudos (that kind of truthfulness is commendable. I must also say your thoughtfulness on knowing the direction of your relationship is a nice one)

That aside, you need to seat down to map out your life at 21.

What kind of life do you want?

School >>>> Job >>>>>> Marriage?
School >>>> Marriage >>> Job? etc. etc.

Where do you see yourself in future? What kind of person are you? What kind of husband would complement your person? What kind of husband do you want?

It is only when you answer these questions truthfully you begin to think of a relationship and marriage

@Mature suitors coming your way: You mean mature suitors just visit your parents that they want to marry you or they are coming your way directly?

raumdeuter:
I wish someone would explain this part in bold to me kimoni, mindfulness and bukatyne

Back to my classification :

She believes a man's duty is to provide so she married earlier as her parents could no longer meet her financial needs. It is a quite common concept for parents to marry out their daughters when they can no longer cater for her as it is seen as the husband's duty to take over where they stopped and prevent the girl from 'messing' about with men for money.

No matter the bias against women who aren't financially stable, a woman depending on her husband solely is not same as a woman entering into several amorous relationships with men for money.


To be quite honest, she is in this mess because her husband 'changed/she didn't really know him'. Several men train their wives to the university and set them up in businesses. She is even willing to try her hands on several things yet he stops her. I suspect her husband doesn't want her to be financially stable, he wants absolute dependency on him. (a sign of an abuser)

@TheArchangel:

I believe you are unnecessarily harsh to the OP

She married a man she believed she could build her life with else she would have gone with richer suitors.

Also, she had carryovers due to not meeting the required attendance criteria and her husband did not let her re-take them which was not a problem because she wanted to focus on business.

She did several businesses which her husband was not in support of and wrecked till he told her his intention for her is to stay at home.

mumredeemer:
Thank you for your comment. Most people responding to this post are either unmarried or they are married to angels. There is a saying that you should not blame a man until you walk in his shoes for a month. I am a woman, married to a wonderful man. He has never raised a hand on me neither has he cheated on me to the best of my knowledge. But the issue is that my husband is not frugal in his spending, he sponsors every party in his family whether it is reasonable or not. (please note: I am not against him supporting his people) But somethings are not necessary and sometimes you use wisdom and learn to say no in some cases. but his case is the opposite. I bought a land since 2010 with my own personal money here in Lagos, my husband surveyed that land in his name alone, i am not listed as a co-owner, funny? I have no issue with that as I have resolved to forget about it. Recently he squandered all our joint savings we saved since 2012 in a business his brother introduced to him without my knowledge. I got to know about it when things went bad. He was duped. As i am talking to you we cant pay our rent and things are really bad. I have 2 plots of land somewhere, i am planning to sell one and use the money to build in one. i told him my plans earlier on, but to be sincere, I will not inform him till i finish that building and I don't care what will happen or what anybody will say. It is obvious he might wake up and sell the land in his possession without my knowledge one day because I have been telling him to start the foundation each time he has money but he wont listen to me and later started hiding his income from me. I cant sit down and fold my arms with the way the country is going. If i die today how will my children survive? at least if i am able to build they can be getting rent there to help themselves in future. I dont think the woman in this story is selfish as some think. Something must have prompted her to act that way. Let us forget the allegations of abuse from both for now ans ask yourself "why is it that the woman is doing the same business with the man and she is able to buy land and build a house but the man is still living in a rented apartment? Why has he warned the wife not to do the same biz with him, is she taking his customers? is there no room enough to accommodate them? Are others not doing the same biz in that vicinity? I think he is just ashame or it is an ego thing that he is doing the same biz and wasting his income while the woman is doing tangible thing with hers. My husband and I are working and we both do biz once in a while, he earns more than me but believe me he has no savings. Sometime i fuel his car before the month ends. Please I am not trying to disparage my husband here, I love him despite all this, he is a nice person like I said earlier but he needs to adjust in this area, but then you cant force an adult to change. So, I live with it and apply wisdom for peace sake. Note: Your opinion is not needed because I have already taken my decision, but your are entitled to your opinion anyway.

@Bold:

You harsh o!

EfemenaXY:
Morning dear - we're all good oh. You and yours?

Waiting for my delayed train. I tire....

Looking forward to the Bank Holiday weekend sha

Waiting by the railway..
Waiting for the train...
Coming down the line

Remember that primary rhyme?

We are all good thanks

EfemenaXY:
Valid point.

[b]Or maybe they just didn't get it. It works differently over here. At least there's a support structure for stay at home mums over here. Some do it out of necessity. Why rush back to work if you're only going to end up spending all that money on child care? The younger the child, the more expensive the child care. Fancy spending nearly £300 per week on one child. Then how much more will be spent if the couple have 2, 3, or more kids? Over £1,000 per week. To prove what na? Not forgetting women are entitled to a full one year's maternity leave of which depending on your employer, you get paid 90 - 100% of your normal salary for the first six months, a reduced amount for the next 3 months, then nothing for the last 3 months - but you're still on the company's books as an employee.

I also totally get Byvan03's angle. Naija is tough. Employers aren't that understanding. Access to cheaper child care options are easier but at the same time, if you don't have an understanding partner and are unlucky to have one who thinks being a stay at home mum = common housewife, then yes, such women a forced to get up and get moving. There's nothing more degrading for a woman to go cap in hand begging her "husband" to give her pocket money to buy herself sanitary towels. Or having to watch the man reluctantly count out the pennies / kobo while she meekly (and patiently waits).[/b]

@Bold:

Very beautiful.

The concept of stay @ home mom in Nigeria and Abroad is two different things. Trust me, most Naija peeps against SHMs don't get it.

Lagos State was trying to push the six months mat leave, I don't know if they have started implementing it.

How are you and family?

Ibadan
Uyo
Join Team Enugu

Uyo is lovely

MMotimo:
1. This is where religious convictions come to play. I have a simple belief that my hysband is the head of the home and that is rooted in my christianity. I would not use "sole authority" though because authorization depends on the specific issue. Whether or not I earn money does not change that.

Ok

MMotimo:
2. Is that true? My siblings and I were raised to believe as a girl, you don't get married until you graduate university and have a job. The boys were raised to make sure they finished school, had jobs before thinking of marriage and married girls that had followed their sisters' steps. So, there is no talk of gold digger anywhere. Perhaps that kind of talk arises when you have females with no money/no job/still in school marrying a man that has already amassed wealth? If a working girl marries a working man, there would be no talk of gold digging.

Most ladies interested in the strict role division want a man who is able to provide because it is 'his sole responsibility' and when they express that desire are called 'gold diggers'

MMotimo:
3. Who are the people frowning? The jealous and/or ignorant ones who envy the financial stability/discipline, the trust, the respect of a setup that can accommodate a stay at home arrangement? People who are still carrying the damage from the domestic violence their controlling fathers meted out to their housewife mothers? You have to know a person's story to understand their apathy. What is the "all" that is being provided? Money? When you meet real, well paid, hardworking men that value stability of their home life, you will realize these are people that know money is not all that's needed and that a stay home wife is a gem contributing to that stability by providing balance on the home front, especially when the kids are still young. Your kids do not care how much money you have when you cannot volunteer in their class/school or on field trips because you have to be at work. They don't care about your money when you force their sickly selves to go to school because you don't want to miss that all important meeting at work, meaning you can't stay home to nurse them, etc, etc.

Nigerians are wired to think a stay at home arrangement automatically puts the parties at a disadvantage and that there's something wrong with the wife (husband must be complaining, wife must have been forced by husband to accept, wife must be lazy, inlaws must be complaining, etc) because all they see is their own backgrounds, their experiences, and the people they see/saw around them suffering the harsh realities of no money, controlling husbands, suffering relatives, etc.

I have been a stay at home Mom and I know countless others who have been so I can speak authoritatively on the subject. My post history is littered with my views on the arrangement so I won't start a new epistle here.

When I stayed home, my husband still helped with chores when he came home because he genuinely likes me and does not think chores are only for women and even though I have been back to work for years and work less than he does, he still does equal or more chores than me. Till tomorrow, my family eats out or even eats simple meals like cereal, sandwiches, etc if I don't cook. I do the chores he does if I feel like. Life is as simple as you make it.

You have been an advocate of stay at home moms and I must honestly confess you, Efemena and Dami got me thinking about it in a different light. I will say the resistance to it is not really jealousy but more of how people around them suffered from little or no access to funds. Again, SHMs work best when the couple operate a joint account (which is still alien to the typical Nigerian).

Also, our concept of SHMs is different from the western concept. It was on NL and through reading I knew SHMs could further their education online, do side businesses etc. while at home. Here, SHM is someone who stays at home all day and nollywood is not helping matters

Again, the drive to become 'something' in life and not waste your education is there. And to be honest, it is not easy hopping in and out of employment in Nigeria.

And a number of SHMs are not by choice and the church tags them lazy without offering practical solution to women who are over-buderned. Na to confess 'I am a superwoman' them know.

MMotimo:
4. I have nothing to relate this scenario to. If domestics are cooking and cleaning, my sisters and I and SILs do the cooking because that's how we were raised. My husband and brothers can only cook basic rice and fry eggs but they can clean. The females are not complaining, the males are not either. No one has anything to prove to anyone. It is how we were raised and thank God each was able to find a complementary spouse so there's no wahala

Personally, a cooking man does not hold any appeal for me, a cleaning man does it for me everytime. I am a product of my background and no apologies. Fine boys didn't cook back in the day, they bought food because they could afford to and didn't need to bring pots and pans to Uni. I know economic realities are harsher so it makes more sense now but I am too old to wipe away the memory of hostel boys cooking smelly beans in blackened pots on the balcony with smoky kerosene stoves as you walked by. I could say more but the discerning can understand what I mean. I had no interest in boys that went to the market to price pepper and tomato, same way today I don't get a pot bellied middle aged man boasting about his cooking prowess in his stockfish smell stinky home.

Those male students must have rily pissed you off . I imagine one saying 'hi MMotimo, bla bla bla' nd you conjure the imagine of him cooking in the balcony evenings ago

MMotimo:
If a husband in our family circle found himself at home for some reason, there would be no change to the roles. I would not expect my husband to start cooking because of that, we would still do what each has always done.

Reading your posts always shown how your family is run and I would say no defined roles in the domestics/finance so things would flow as they have always been.

I wanted views on how people with strict role division would fare due to recent happenings and discussions with friends.

P.S.: I know you run a joint account, how do you buy gifts for your husband?

byvan03:
Actually I have a phobia for babies generally now. I rather carry another's child and return it quickly when the euphoria of babysitting wanes, I don't want any for keep anymore . Am scared of cultism too, I just focus on grooming their conscience, guiding and backing up with prayers.


Not really a phobia for girls, but an over protective kind of love . A lot of odds are against them just by virtue of their gender and I hate that passionately. I just love them way too much and if i had them, they will probably be amazons. Being that delicate flower is a hard pill for me to swallow. Imagine trying to correct a barber and he goes " is it a woman that will teach a man how to cut hair"? I had to let him know that this woman here is paying for your services and so you will do exactly as she says, he eventually apologised because he didn't see the drama coming . So annoying!



In an ideal world, I would love to have 12 daughters but in reality...let me hoard my daughters till Africans' perception of women changes. My girls need to play on a level ground, I hope I won't be sterile by then .

You will bring up very strong amazons if you have daughters. Don't see it another way

Must definitely train my daughters to be amazons too. No time for whimpy girls o!

Better chop small small I foresee beautiful girl ejimmas for you

byvan03:
Ewooo!!! I doubt if I can trust enough to wait for that long. I no need tales by moonlight after person don wait for years.

Dude said he wanted a wife @ 20+ and he engaged his senior colleagues, both families (excluding the parents sha ) and fellowship leaders knew about the relationship.

He proposed after school and again when we started working

He came to my parents immediately after service that say his intentions and he was going to get a job so we can get married. Interestingly, my younger bro looks up to him like an elder brother and did same to the parents (our pastor ) of the lady he wants to marry.

Very focused young man

I no follow do relationship without direction, we were just waiting to make money to fend for ourselves and marwi

byvan03:
Lol, true. Wow 8 !!! Me go don tire .

100L - 1+ years post working experience

We were already married and the wedding ceremony was just formalities and legalization of Ikiriwowo

byvan03:
Lol, abi...

We courted for 8yrs (catch them young things ) and what I didn't learn/know in 8yrs it is 3mths I will learn?

@Jamean:

Like the blunt chairman during my pastor's daughter's wedding, there is no secret formulae for marriage and the two people in it should know themselves and what works for them.

All Paul said was husband love your wives; wives submit to your husbands.... He even felt marriage was a burden and people should marry if they cannot control their sexual urge.

byvan03:
Yesooo, my church too. I had no time and energy for it at the time when they told me how long it's going to take. Seriously if those unnecessary delays are effective we won't be hearing of divorce here and there.

Any couple waiting for 3mths to their wedding to learn any fantastic thing has obviously played during courtship and might not be ready for marriage after all.

frenchwine:
Haba chill na, the whites don't reason like us, they are less conservative than we are

Still doesn't excuse sharing the picture with the world

byvan03:
To be honest that mother is a drama queen. Boys are easier to understand and deal with, I won't miss not talking about menstruation, boys/pregnancy this n that and all those yucky gists. Nah to shift these ones go their papa side for solutions biko. Me no get strength for tactical approach 101. As for inheritance and other related angles, that part no concern me jare. Our society isn't favourable to ladies, nature isn't too, a daughter will make me think too much . Am too protective, what will I do if my daughter comes with sob stories? Things like this worry me a lot because my solution will be come home to mama .

Lols!

I have heard some mothers say that too.

I love a morenikeji o!

I agree a teen girl is an effective sleepless pill.

byvan03:
Bukatyne tell me the meaning of that name,is it same as Nike?

Morenikeji is 'I have seen a second/replica/soulmate'

A daughter is her mother's morenikeji.... A husband can be the wife's morenikeji dependent on the context.

@knightngale:

While there might be no 'advantage' of having male sons (as wives & kids now bear the first name of their husbands; husbands change the family name on religious grounds; women sometimes hyphenate their fathers & husband's surnames), every parent desires both sex children and the drive for same sex child aka mini me is also very strong.

Now we see gender barriers crossed societally still nothing beats a son a father can mold to be greater than him... Nothing like a father having his replica to carry the torch of his ideals to the next generation.

I wonder how mothers with only boys cope; (I know one who cried her eyes out in the DR when her last was a boy) I must have a morenikeji... a daughter I can pour myself into and watch grow from a baby to a woman of virtue.

So bearing a male child/ the desire to bear a male child will forever be relevant.

postmann:
I had to like that. Something about the way you make your point. You disarm without really trying, Bukky dear.

Thanks

Wyntah:
I read a post yesterday about society and the male child and it got me thinking. Interesting as it was but one can only ask, "if the society does not teach the man to be strong, who will?" Most women will scream at the sight of a tiny snake and will look for a male figure to hide behind even if the male is a ten year old. That is just nature. So if the the society does not teach the male child to confront situations with courage, how will he protect the woman he will eventually love?

Ok

Wyntah:
All these talks about male infidelity, I think it is over rated. Women cheat too but are more skilled at covering tracks. I have seen faithful husbands and I have seen unfaithful wives. I know of a family where the woman abandoned her three children including a six month old baby for greener pastures. Those children were raised by the man who refused to remarry for fear of another woman victimizing his children. Such men don't make headlines though.

Interestingly, men propagate the gospel that 'men are cheats'; 'men are polygamous' etc. to give themselves a pass in cheating. Let a woman say her husband is faithful, you see snide remarks that 'how is she sure?'; 'she must be deceiving herself'; etc. Every lady accepting 'all men cheat' works in their favor.... no need for accountability of faithfulness.

Wyntah:
'Just because women are victims at some point doesn't make the female specie weak or less influential. We have our careers, make our money, run the home, raise children who puts us first before their father, call the shots and still get the society to think that we are weak.

The Bible where it is said women are weaker vessels; the myth that women are emotional beings (like anger is not an emotion); and the fact that women started working outside the home way later than men all contributes.

Some women also use it as a pass to get away with verbal assaults and get favors.

Wyntah:
I think it is human nature. Human beings have the tendency to be unfaithful, both male and female.

True

Wyntah:
Some women will choose to stay in unhappy marriages because at that point their children become their priority while some will just work out of it.

True. However, what do you think about a woman staying in a violent/unfaithful marriage for the 'kids'?

Wyntah:
As a mother, I will teach my son to be strong and compassionate. I will teach him to hide his tears and show no weakness because the struggle for survival is real.

Do you think only your sons deserve this training?

Wyntah:
If friends can sense weakness in you, so can your enemies. We all know that in this world the strong will always prey on the weak be it male or female. No one can protect a man more than himself.

True, a dog eat dog world out there.

Interesting piece.

Interesting article.

It amazes me when I see a woman train her son to be a mini version of the husband she detests/ nags about

Maybe those nags are just seen as a rite of marriage.

cococandy:
Yea. That's why widows are more able to raise their kids alone after the loss of their husbands but widowers can't survive unless they marry another wife 6 months later.

Any person with half a brain knows that these endless ramblings about 21st century women not being as dependent as they used to be stems from deep insecurity. You guys are afraid of becoming irrelevant.

Not to worry. It won't get to that.
Even if we don't need you (which we are honest enough to admit that we still do), we will still want you.
And That should guarantee your continued existence.

Y'all need to stop being afraid.

This is one of my thoughts when I read the article.

The way a Muslim justifies polygamy is the way a christian would condemn it.

The OP is yet to tell us what the older women have that we don't.

A good man will still be in high demand. Make yourself a catch and women will still want/need you.

Get over the fact that financial security is no longer exclusive to men and explore other selling points.

And strangely, I don't know much ladies who claim they don't need men.

Double post.

Always stay true to yourself and never let go of your dreams.

byvan03:
I attended twice and had my sister represent me for the rest. I don't know what people who are never married plan to teach me. Marriage has no formula, you go in their and create yours. I never wished I spent my time attending.

You ehn!

Frank as Franklin

As posters above me has said, most churches organize a compulsory pre-marriagr counselling.

Attended during my time & knew almost all we were taught already.

Crazy thread

Can't believe I read it all!

raumdeuter:
Yes. he would be keeping in shape, spending her money to buy clothes and host parties. he would be watching celebrity gossips and learning how to post everything that goes on in their life on instagram

She didnt bargain for? She would just adjust.

If women can do trophy wife why cant the men too do trophy husband.

If he can take the disrespect too, no wahala! It is a full package.

There are trophy husbands (I think I know one) and they are fine (?) with the arrangement.

Not all women can be trophy wives; not all women can accommodate trophy husbands.

Just how a wife can turn trophy halfway without issues; a hubby can't turn trophy halfway too.

Now, if they both agreed he will be a trophy husband, no probs.

lezz:
[b]Firstly, Christianity isn't the white man's religion. Second, headship of the husband has been an African virtue reaffirmed by Christianity and other religions.

Today's Western standing denies man this headship and depicts marriage as a "two-way traffic ".
Same ideology that takes the control of children out of the parents.
The hypocritical fallacy and irony is that no woman wants a man who isn't her superior. Every woman wants her man to lead her.

Women are genetically programmed to depend on men.

The blackmailing phrase of " our mothers were slave" has been amply employed to hurl people into the bandwagon of this new liberation movement.

Have you ever wondered why violence against women her high in the West? 2008 statistics shows 500 women are raped in America daily.

And a Western stooge told me we lack accurate stats here. True that. But does it wioe away the fact that the father of female liberation is still worst oppressor of the female gender?

I keep saying it, some decades ago, phoney Western accent of British or American English is the sure way of proving how westernised one is. Well since both akara sellers and gala hawkers have mastered that act, our domiciled borothers and sisters have upped the requirements to endorsing controversial Western norms
as conventional mode of conduct.

When is the idiocy going to stop?

[/b]

Headship has always been a part of our culture however Loving of wives is from the Bible/West.

In fact, Acidosis' quote is directly from the Bible. The kind of love inferred to was imported with Christianity.