₦airaland Forum

I believe you are a Canadian married to a Nigerian man.

@Cheating: he forgave, you do and I would say forget about him not telling for four years

As per the girl, support him now If you believe the lady is lying.

@Finances: I understand your sentiments.

However,marriage is a bank where you both deposit your resources and withdraw when necessary.

Take it as a blessing you have a stable job to take care of the needs of the family. Imagine you did not have the resources when necessary

There is no abuse or cheating (except the one time each) So I do not see a need for divorce or separation

What you need to do is to find out the following:

1. If your husband still wants the mmarriage or If he sees you as a means to an end.

2. Why he is not able to hold down jobs?

3. Is There really a case?

If he still want the marriage (not his words but actions) now is the time to build your family strong. The finances is you depositing which will be very appreciated when he stands on his feet again.

If his ability not to hold jobs results from lacking certain skill set, you both can build him up to a standard level. If it is his attitude to/at work, same applies Here. Every work environment is different and need certain skills to survive.

If he is laid back, encouragement also works. Put the ideas of where he can be in his head and watch him soar.

If he is a lazy bum, then let him sort out his court issues himself. Jolt him to sit up.

@Court case: do an independent investigation to find out If There is really a court case.

Goodluck

5minsmadness:
Usually the women don't come outright to say they are infertile. They ask to do a series of tests. After a while when the tests yield no logical result, the doctor asks about her kids. This might elicit a tear or two and the confession that she has no kids. Questions are asked about their health status and infections, etc and then "where is your husband?" pops up.

Most men are very sensitive about their nether regions and I might add "shy". It takes some coaxing to finally get them to be subjected to seminal fluid analysis tests. Once they see there is a solution to thier problem though, they are eager to come back for clinics and counselling.

For your second paragraph, most of the husbands are too busy trying to fend for thier families and sometimes their places of work don't help matters, they do not release the men to come for checkups or tests or counsellings. At the end of the day it is the patially working woman or full housewife that has all the time in the world to follow up on her health issues.



I feel like I am coming in at the middle of a previous agrument. I'm going to take a step back and observe things for a while...

That talk of busy will not fly.

In Nigeria where we say the labour laws are not So friendly, an average person has 18 working days off work; I am even stretching to assume he work on Saturdays and labs around him does not open on Sundays.

Except your boss is evil, yoi will .be given permission for one or two pressing things outside work.

Let's say the boss is evil, the husband cannot take days off to go for tests which are less time consuming than that of women?

@Opening paragraph, except TTC has a different meaning, it is not malaria or even like pregnancy that you might not know What is wrong till you meet the Doc.

At least husbands and wives know when they are TTCing and they should go together for consultations.

5minsmadness:
What you are advocating for here is that the woman should suffer for the decision of her husband.

Is that fair?

It is better to treat one of the spouses than not to treat either of them at all.

Are you kidding me?

How can only the woman treat herself for ttc alone?

You are surely kidding

5minsmadness:
Hmmn, you'll be amazed.

The governor of delta state has a huge lump on his head. Its just a fatty lump but he refuses to remove it. Says he hasn't had the time and its not disturbing him so why bother.

If you woke up one morning and noticed a huge lump on your head what would you do?

The Gov of Delta State seeing a bump on his head is different from he & his trying .to Conceive.

The bump on his head doesn't affect his wife and she is not required in the hospital to treat it.

I know How many times I have treated myself than run to the hospital.

You cannot group every woman and Everyman together.

cococandy:
time will take care of that.
Baby steps at a time.
But there will surely be a feminist revolution in Nigeria. As sure as the sun rises.

I pray so

Ewuro4:
This is what Nigerians don't get about the "married Feminists".... I honestly see them as a Fraud. Let's say it as it is, Marriage is a sociatal status thing. Every woman desire marriage, the moment he puts a ring on it, your decisions are joint.

A feminist can wake up and travel to kafancha while a married woman can't.

I thought the consensus was that the husband makes the decisions? That's What makes them superior.

@Last paragraph, let's for the sake of This thread say a husband is superior to his wife....

Does a husband wake up and travel to kafancha?

I am assuming that the feminist in your post is single... Does. A sensible single travel from his /her base without notifying anybody? No relatives? No friends?

Does a woman travelling without telling anyone make her equal to a man? Is it a man's inherent characteristics to travel without notifying anybody?

cococandy:
I think for now, the basics have been established in NIGERIA. Now education is a right. only that parents in those heavily religious and cultural areas need more enlightenment. They need to know that their kids have a right to refuse being married off against their wishes and that the kids right is supposed to be honored regardless of what their religion says.

If we begin to teach our daughters to desire marriage for the right reasons (family and love) and not as social status thing. That would be a big step.


As for the others didn't GEJ just pass a bill into law which criminalizes violence against persons in the family setting and abdication of ones responsibilities to their kids.
So any woman who doesn't feel safe at home can legally separate from the husband and he could be penalized under the law.
Also no woman is supposed to use the excuse of staying for the kids to endure abuse. She should be able to support them partly and have the man bring his quota. Failure on his part to do so is now an offense and he can be prosecuted for it.

It's all relatively new. But with time, they should become common place.
I don't know if pay gap exists in the Nigerian civil service. So imma keep shut about that.

As for the rest, it's all societal perception. There's no law that states men are superior but the nuances are all there. It will only take time,the cultivation of self esteem and positive self redefinition amongst the ladies to stop buying into that idea. Then it will go away by itself.

Maybe in 300yrs who knows.

The issue now is mental

Deep down, men and women feel women are inferior to men.

@OP:

You start a tread on feminism and did not define it ...

Here is the definition:

feminism

/ˈfɛmɪnɪz(ə)m/

the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=feminism+definition&rls=com.microsoft:en-US:IE-SearchBox&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7WZPG_en&gws_rd=ssl

You say our problem is more cultural than gender related; What formed the basis of this culture?

There is a major difference between feminism and feminazism or extreme feminism. Extreme feminism like every other thing extreme loses its purpose and does more harm than good. There we would group free the nipples, smashing male toilets, changing history to her story, misandry and the likes.

Like Stillfire would say; uncouth, rude and crass females should not hide under the cloak of feminism... Saying a lady and a man is equal is not a liberty to being rude.

Chivalry... Na oyinbo term... It's modern day husbands and men who do it. When I was younger, the youngest and the women did the bulk of the work; there is even a long standing joke that if an African/Nigerian man opens the door for his wife, it is either the wife is new or the car is new Perhaps the only Chivalry is men picking up the bills. They all always did that is was unbecoming for a lady/younger one to pick up the bills. We still have that entrenched in our society.

The fact that we are equals does not mean we stop caring for each other or stop been chivalrous... Even amongst two friends same age, same everything (Whom we can consider equals), there is still that bond that makes them do things for each other.

Besides, if I get to a door first, I would not wait for a guy to open it for me neither would I jam it after me... courtesy demands I hold the door open for people behind if they have the clearance to do so.

All lot of people also mistake independence or interdependence in relationships.

Submission: Has had people in stitches for ever; that is one is the reasons men are opined to be superior to women Ephesians 5:21 says we should submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Sorry to non-believing Bible folks...) and the love God expects from husbands in in 1 Cor 13. Submission really is esteeming your husband above you or putting him first; Love is esteeming your wife above you or putting her first. A couple practice this and there is a balance and they are in heaven.

I am very proud to be a feminist and have a loving home ( I guess I can have it all) and like Coco says, I do not apologize for it. I am also trying to see how feminism = not getting married or been a bad wife . Feminism is a lifestyle which should affect the way you relate with people and your ideals in life.

I have seen women who would slap you if you ever allude to them been equal to men maltreat their husbands; a bad woman is a bad woman feminism or not.

I will say we all develop sound morals and most of the problems in marriages would disappear.

I am a feminist, I believe men and women are equal and translate that into my everyday life.

And do, I do not have to announce to everyone, my actions speak for me

FOR1234:
married women in d house.....please how do u cope with house chores,nursing ur baby, building a career, ur job and business......whoops all the aforementioned are sometimes killing,mostimes am on d move all day, gat to wake up as earlier as possible to prepare meal for my family and rush out again before 8am only to come back and resume home work.......d idea of getting a maid is out cos we have decided no third party.....is anyone in my shoes....how do u cope cos dis is affecting my family

For your post,

You have job, do business, build career, chores and nurse you child and your husband seems not to be the helping type.

1. Job: What kind of job do you do? What is the distance between your house to work? Do you work weekends?

2. Business: What type of business is it? Can you combine with work e.g. selling stuffs...? Can it run without you? e.g. having a shop etc. or do you have to actively involved in it e.g. handcrafts?

3. Building career: What do you mean by this? Gaining experience in your job should already be a major way of building your career; do you mean certifications? Is your job different from your career path (e.g. you got a job randomly when searching; our Naija na wa)

4. Chores: Can you cook in bulk and store in the freezer? Get a washing machine to ease washing. Since you both are not open to a live-in maid, can you have someone clean maybe twice weekly?

5. Child: Does he/she go to the crèche? Is your work baby friendly? Do you have a nanny who comes daily?

Would like answers to the question

Thanks.

FOR1234:
. My husband.....he is fine....he helps with the baby only sometimes

Ok

makzeze:
Who can be said to be a good wife?

Your matured response will be highly appreciated.

The woman who compliments you.

What is good for A might not be good for B

FOR1234:
arried women in d house.....please how do u cope with house chores,nursing ur baby, building a career, ur job and business......whoops all the aforementioned are sometimes killing,mostimes am on d move all day, gat to wake up as earlier as possible to prepare meal for my family and rush out again before 8am only to come back and resume home work.......d idea of getting a maid is out cos we have decided no third party.....is anyone in my shoes....how do u cope cos dis is affecting my family

What about your husband?

iloriolushola:
Yenagoa—Eminent sons and daughters of the Ijaw nation have agreed to re-examine the state of the Ijaw ethnic nationality in Nigeria, noting that they will immediately initiate the process of renegotiating the basis of their coexistence with other ethnic nationalities.

They disclosed this position at a Pan Ijaw Stakeholders Summit with the theme “The Ijaw Agenda Beyond May 29, 2015,” held between May 27-29, at Dr. Gabriel Okara Cultural Centre and Ijaw House, Yenogua, the Bayelsa State capital.

Co-hosted by the Ijaw National Congress, INC, and the Bayelsa State Government, the event which witnessed the presentation of papers by notable Ijaw scholars and other resource persons, was graced by more than 1, 500 people drawn from 78 Ijaw clans, traditional institutions, professional and socio-political bodies among others.

The summit in a 13-point communiqué, signed by its Chairman, Prof. Nelson Brambaifa and Secretary, Pastor Power Aginighan, however, thanked Nigerians for the rare opportunity given Dr. Goodluck Jonathan to preside over the affairs of the country.

Among other things the Summit noted that “the Ijaw nation today is at a critical moment in its history and called on all Ijaw leaders, sons and daughters to be united at this auspicious moment for the challenges ahead, adding that “it has expressed its desire for self determination, total rejection of the unjust legal order that robs resource owners of rights to their resources.”

http://www.vanguardngr.com/2015/06/well-renegotiate-our-coexistence-in-nigeria-ijaw-nation/

What was the 'Ijaw Agenda' before May 2011

@bold: what have the just Ijaw leaders done with the 'little' which trickled down to them over the years?

The result the little produced will determine if there problems is the unjust legal order or the greed of their leaders.

FrancisTony:
OP, nice thread. Let's our women heed to this wonderful advice.

Well, I'll add mine but Strictly for men!

Demeanor attracts women but wisdom and calm-heartedness keeps them.


Sweet talks catches women attention but non-chauvinism convinces them.


Bossing irritates women but great understanding weakens them.


The 'girl' in every woman pumps out occasionally, your ability to handle this, is a man's truest maturity.


Women have secret struggles and silent
pains, should you ever find them out exhibit the
greatest maturity.


In the long-run your 'words' matters more to a
woman than your 'looks/money', so invest the right words.


Earn a woman's respect and she will consider you
the yard stick 4 all her action and good deeds.


Learn to mould the moods of your woman. They are not moodless(sic)


Women wil naturally give u their futures if they
can recall your maturity in yesterday's issues..


Men are everywhere but kings are
scarce. Let the king in you come alive and she
will hold you in high esteem.

Nice one

You can open a complementary thread wit these points.

tintingz:
No wonder the bible said women should keep shut.

Do not disobey the words of the holy book.

Have you booked your space in hell yet?

You are still bothering if I should keep shut or not?

By the way, I am not the one talking; the Bible is

babyosisi:
The time of ignorance is over

How do sensible hospitals do it sef?

The first question should be where is your spouse before consultations?

If the husband is too busy for consultation, How will he have time of kpekus?

@OP:

Good you know What you want.

Improve yourself to the level of whom you want.

A woman will not be blamed If she is not at fault. And even If she is blamed, she will not feel guilty

ddaammyy:
1. Beauty attracts men but wisdom keeps them.
2. Elegance catches men's attention but
intelligence convinces them.
3. Nagging irritates men but 'constructive silence
weakens them.
4. The 'boy' in everyman pumps out occasionally,
your ability to handle this, is a woman's truest
maturity.
5. Men have secret struggles and silent
pains.should you ever find them out exhibit the
greatest maturity.
6. In the long-run your 'words' matters more to a
man than your 'looks'.so invest the right words.
7. Earn a man's respect and he will consider you
the yard stick 4 all his action.
8. Learn to mould the moods of your man.
9. Men wil naturally give u their futures if they
can recall your maturity in yesterday's issues..
10. Women are every where but queens are
scarce. Let the queen in you come alive and he
will hold you in high esteem.

3. What is constructive silence? The man is not a mind reader to know What he has done wrong. Do not support nagging though.

Nice thread.

cococandy:
yet we have so many beautiful aspects of African culture that other people find fascinating.

Instead of promoting those, all I see folks do online is use culture to justify all sorts of bad things.
Why not condemn bad behavior when found in an individual rather than sweep it under the carpet because 'it's African way'
Promiscuity. Anything you can think of is justified with culture.
When someone is mean and rude to their younger ones, it is ok because our culture says the elders must be right.

If I wasn't African I may have misgivings about visiting because I'd imagine that it is horrible.

Lols

This is Africa (TIA )

5minsmadness:
Still going though the thread.
However.

I have been privileged to work in many fertility counselling clinics all over southern nigeria and Kwara.

For the majority of men it is almost an act of War asking them to come for fertility tests. The usual scenario is that the woman comes first and then we insist the tests won't continue until she is accompanied by her husband. Same with HIV screening tests and counselling.

Reason might be traditional i.e men feeling they have nothing wrong with them and that the issue lies with the women. But most times it appears the men just don't have the time to take care f thier own health. They are usually busy at work and only agree to come when the counselling unit sends them a formal or informal invitation. It is the same with most other kinds of illness. Men are poor health seekers while women come to hospital at the sign of the littlest headache.


Most of the factors leading to infertility in women have to do with infection. Long standing pelvic infections, blocked tubes etc etc abound, but usually the main cause stems from infection. And this is relatively easy to treat when caught early.


For the men however, their bad lifestyle habits contribute to poor fertility e.g drinking, smoking, multiple sexual partners, travelling long distances wearing tight pants thus exposing the testes to inhumane conditions etc etc all contribute to making the man more prone to having low spérm count and hence increased risk of infertility.

The interesting thing though is that it is usually easier to treat an infertile man than an infertile woman. But that doesn't mean men shouldn't present themselves to the doctor when there is a case of infertility among the couples. In fact, being the head of the house, he should lead by example and be the first to see the doctor to know if the problem is coming from him.




****goes back to reading ****

I find it strange that a husband would not go for check ups when they are ttc.

Common sense should dictate they both go for all tests So they know If the problem is with the husband /wife/none.

Infact, hospitals should stop treating wives/husbands who come alone; it honestly defeats the purpose

And I do not buy the excuse that the men areally busy hence they cannot go for check ups. Some hosiptals work round the clock and on the average, men and women work same hours here.

@OP:

Lucky you.

I say Good riddance to bad rubbish

cococandy:
Imagine o.
There's nothing they won't accuse African culture of. As if we are all made up of beasts and apes. I don't know why people like to use culture as an excuse for condoning bad things.

Will heaven fall the day something good is said to happen because it is African culture?

Mumu journalism

@Bold: I have never read any Good thing attributed to African culture on NL.

PMBlackett:
[color=#150000]A lady has rights to turn down any man. Not every man that approaches a lady is her future husband. Neither does a lady turn down every man that approaches her. In order for a lady to know the true intentions of a man approaching her, certain behavioural walls have to be but in place. They are not negative. That a lady turns you down doesn't mean she'll turn down the next man, it's not by force for her to like you. If a lady dislikes you, she'll put up behaviours foreign to her, to make you lose interest in her, and leave her the fvck alone. . .

The same set of people condemning ladies behaviours with myopic 10 point views, are the same set of people that'll condemn her for being too open and accommodating to every man that approaches her, with 10 point views.

Hypocrisy abounds.[/color]

Excellent