₦airaland Forum

Emyo: I must confess I like the way mazi and flow tell their stories, fun, laughter and suspense.

Tah, when you say its a good literature, maybe it is to nairaland wat traffic is to blog sites but the fact remain, it is not justifiable under literature.

Can I recommend this to my dad, lecturer and friends?
When I think of the decay in our society's act of reading I thought of YAN as a savior.
I think so deep of how to improve the standard of reading in our society.
Comedy can always be written in english.

Mtchew, I know one day I will be rich, wise and a better writer.
I will improve the standards.

and i will say AMEN to that

some people no dey sleep oh. See time wey i post the last update and i still see:

Viewing this topic: justmenoni, 5guest(s)

don ifez: That your L101 and L102 dey bring back memories ooh

ehen, u do those kin thing?

One bag of cement is to twelve headpans of sand is to Ten headpans of thick gravel, was the ratio of mixture.

Man and Ochagbuorie were to dress the concrete floor, while the rest of us were to mix and pour. It was all man for himself because the number of bags you mix would determine the amount you would be paid at the end of the day. The "international standard" price for mixing and pouring a bag was 600naira.

It wasn't as easy as i tot. Though i was inexperience in mixing, i quickly learnt from "the master" Igbakwambo. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was still packing sand, while i had already started mixing. "so naso u lazy" i almost shouted at Brainbox. Madam Ifeoma stood close while we were packing, she counted the number of headpans we carried, making sure no one cheated. Igbakwambo was working as fast as the speed of light, as if he was a graduate of first class in "kponkponology". "Igbakwambo!! N'agba mbo nwanne!!" Ochagbuorie hailed.

Before i could say Jack Robinson, Igbakwambo was on his fourth bag, he did the work with so much dexterity and gusto. Meanwhile, i was on my second bag while Brainbox was still on his first bag.

My legs were getting hot due to the effect of the moisture on it. I was working fast so as to catch up with Igbakwambo, not knowing i would soon regret ever coming to do kponpon.


Mehn!! The mixture was very heavy to carry. Though i was putting on a face cap, it was as if i was carrying it on my bare head. My neck couldn't move again, i was walking like a Robot. I was on my Fourth bag, Igbakwambo was on his Seventh bag, Brainbox was on his second bag. Instead of me to give up the chase oweing to the fact that there was no way i could catch up with Igbakwambo, i was still pulling "Superman" stunt.

I was tired and hungry, but i still endured. As i placed the headpan full to the brim with "rice and beans" on my head, i heard a bone crack in my neck, "abi my neck bone don break?" i asked myself. Before i finished asking myself that question.................................... "puuuuuuuuuaaaaarr" the rice and beans i was carrying on my head poured on my body making me fall to the ground.

yoyo the first: Guy easy o make d weight lifter no ko bounce on u ooo

thats yoyo my first lady advising me.

Blue diamond: Flow,am feelin ur flow.ride on

As u dey feel me so, naso i feel dey u oh

"Flow na the site be dis, na me be the chief kponpkon officer, shebi una carry una work cloth come?" Man said as we got to a deserted bushy place. "we carry am na, na wetin dem wan build here sef?" Brainbox asked. "na big filling station na, and we go chop money here well well, because na me dey in charge here" Man said. "the woman wey dey build am her pekin dey abroad, her name na Madam Ifeoma, she dey come here everyday come supervise wetin we dey do and pay us our money after work" Man said. "na she put me in charge of all the labourers wey dey work here. She go soon come sef" Man added.


We removed our clean clothes, put on our working clothes and sat down waiting for Madam Ifeoma.


Soon, a labourer came. He introduced himself as Igbakwambo. In Igbo language Igbakwambo means a hustling fellow. A name that sure befits him. He was stunted, muscular and fair in complexion.


Then came another labourer. Ochagbuorie was his name. In Igbo language Ochagbuorie means Someone that works "hard" and eats "harder" i.e Someone that spends his money on himself. He was sure spending his money on himself because he was wearing a fine perfume.


Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo were not their real names but names they gave themselves because of the kponkpon job.


Madam Ifeoma came sooner than expected and Man told her that we were his friends, that we came to join the "white colar" job of kponkpon.


Work started. As Madam Ifeoma was instructing us on how the work for the day would be like, i caught a glimpse of how beautiful her face was. I never knew there was something more beautiful than her face behind her. Though she had some gray hair, facially, she was not all that old. She turned backing us and showing us how we were to cast the concrete. I wasn't paying attention to what she was saying, rather i was staring at her "television shaped" a'ss.

@ Foxy Rebirth, so dem don release you?

Ozimmiri lodge was more of a family house than a students hotel. Small but mighty. Our neighbours were:

Mama and Papa Ejima; The young couple that had a Four year old identical twin boys; Daniel and David. Mama Ejima was so beautiful that the moment i saw her i instantly had a crush on her, but i dare not make any move because her husband was a heavy weight boxer.

Mama Ejima was not as beautiful as Kate. The delectable Drop dead gorgeous Kate. She was so S'exy that the sight of her "mouth watering" a'ss from a distance could make not only one d'ick, but several d'ick to doff their hats, not to talk of her coming close, "u go just release". She was our next door neighbour. She was very S'exy, but no guy in the compound dare asked her out because she was the perfect description of "u can admire but u can have". She was a "runs" babe that deals mainly on Sugardaddies, "she no even get our time sef". I was told the whole guys(except Pkc) went on a bet that whoever would sleep with her would recieve 5k each from other guys. I and Brainbox joined in the bet because we were sure no guy from that compound would see Kate's panties, not even in dream world. Or so i tot.

Another neighbour we had was Tupac and Bigie. These two guys had stuck to each other like bee to nectar right from their childhood days. They attended the same primary, secondary and higher institution, and they were still staying together searching for job. If i was told that they were the reincarnation of American rappers, Tupac and Biggie, i would believe, because they really looked like them. Infact their lives were just the picture perfect lives of Tupac and Biggie, because inasmuch as they were close friends and roomates, they were always at loggerheads. I only wished a "Faith Evans" wouldn't walk into their lives pretty soon.

We also had Haruna and his wife Nkiru as neighbours. Haruna doubled as the security man and the caretaker of the compound. I was told he had been into the security business since he was Seven. A business that had carried him far and wide Nigeria. He brags about marrying three wives. One Ibo, One Yoruba, and One Hausa. The Yoruba Lady, he Married when he was in Ibadan. The Hausa Lady was in the north. While the Ibo Lady was staying with him, her name was Nkiru.

Nkiru!! Oh Nkiru!! Nkiru was the u'gliest woman i ever came across. She looked more like a wild animal. Infact, it was better i died than marrying such a "vampire". I wondered what Haruna say in her that made him marry her, well, like they say: "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder". Infact the only beautiful thing about Nkiru was that she owns the provision store outside our compound.

A provision store that guys wanted to run down with L101 and L102.

L was a code name for looting. While 101 meant "one person" and 102 meant "two persons", so L101 meant looting that involves one person, while L102 meant looting that involves two persons.

"Man, how far you don come back?" Baba Jay said that evening. "ehn i don come, food dey house?" Man asked, "food no dey oh, na Golden Morn we drink" Snoop responded. When he said Golden Morn, he never meant Nestle Golden Morn, he meant Garri Golden Morn. When u drink Garri in that house, you would simply say u drank Golden Morn. It was the code name. I came to realize that there were so many code names that i needed to know their meanings. Code names like; mix rice and beans.



"ehen, Man wetin be the meaning of mix rice and beans sef?" i asked. "mix rice and beans mean say to mix cement and gravel a.k.a to carry kponkpon" Man said. "so na kponkpon work u dey do?" Brainbox said, "yes oh, and the thing dey give me money no be small, sometimes na me dey feed dis house na" He added. "nahim u no tell us make we follow u go?" i said. "i don tell Baba jay and snoop before na, Baba jay say him too old for dat kin job, snoop say him no fit carry kponkpon for dis him fine hair wey him plait" Man said.



"guy we go follow u go tommorow oh" I said. "una fit work? No be small work oh?" Man cautioned. "na me be Brainbox wey get power, and dis my guy na super Flow, u no see him chest?" Brainbox said pointing at my broad chest.

"Everybody, how was ur night?" Pkc asked the next morning, "mine was disastrious" i said out of my mind's mouth.

"its time for morning devotion, Flow would lead us in praise and worship while Man would lead us in prayers" Pkc said, "why me na, i no get voice oh, the mess wey Baba jay give me chop last nite don make my voice dry oh" i almost said.

"worthy, u are worthy, king of kings lord of lords, u are worthy" i began. I sang one song for 5minutes before i could think of another song. I totally forgot songs, my brain went blank.

Now it was time for prayers. Funniest prayer ever.

"Baba God, how far, how heaven today" Man began, "thank u for the match wey Chelsea win yesterday, Baba God i say make i ask u oh, shey u be Chelsea fan?" he continued, "Baba, i thank u say me and my guys dey alive to see today, Baba give me strength as i dey go mix rice and beans today, in Jesus name" he concluded "Amen!" we responded. "Man wey dey reason!!" they cheered him. I couldn't help but laugh at such a prayer, but i promised myself i would later ask him the meaning of "mix rice and beans". "Man u need to learn how to pray oh, that thing u just did now is no prayer" Pkc said.

"if any of una wan carry woman come house, how him go do am?" i asked Snoop as we sat outside discussing that morning. "guy we dey carry am go Tupac and Bigie room" he responded pointing at a room at the extreme of the lodge. "we no dey let Pkc know oh, because if him know, him go vex well well, him no dey like dat kin thing" Snoop added. "make we go there make Tupac and Bigie see u and Brainbox" Snoop said. As we walked towards Tupac and Bigie's room, i saw from the corner of my eyes that, Tega and Man were going out, so Snoop asked, "Tega u dey travel?", because Tega was holding a bag. "yes, i wan enter warri" Tega responded. There was no need to ask Man where he was going to, it was obvious he wanted to go mix rice and beans.

Wizee: Flowbaba me wan flex u ooo, hw e go be nah?

how u want make e be na? Where u dey?

"braaaaaaaaa brooooo broooo braaaaaa braaaaaaaaa!!" was what i heard. To be sincere, i initially tot it was thunder or maybe someone was beating a drum outside. It was so loud that the big mattress we were lying on vibrated greatly. I turned left to take my first dose of the stench.


Baba Jay was lying by my left while Snoop was lying by my right, Brainbox was lying on the other mattress with Pkc and Tega. I suspected no other a'nus but Baba jay's a'nus for the fart "crime".

I inhaled the smell not only through my nose but also through my mouth because my mouth was ajar in astonishment. I was the only one awake, Pkc was even snoring. "braaaa braaaaaa braaaaa broooo!!" i heard another deafening fart. This time the vibrating effect on the mattress caused a force to pull me up. My stomach was spinning, not only was my stomach spinning, my eyes were spinning also. I felt Something dangling in my lower abdomen, was it my kidney? "yeeeeh! So naso mess go make person get kidney failure? God forbid!!" i said to myself "God! Man pekin go suffocate here oh, which kin smell be dis" i cried out with both hands on my nose.

The room was dark and hot, i couldn't see clearly. 10minutes later, the smell was gradually subsiding when, "braabraa braaabraa braaaabraaa" Baba Jay gave me another dose.

I hurriedly went close to the window in other to revive my already dying kidney. It was of no use because the smell had clouded not only the room, but outside.

"na me be Baba Jay, the only guy wey get award for Guiness book of record for the world best mess" i remembered how Baba Jay introduced himself. Indeed he deserved the Guiness book of records award for the world best fart, he also deserved to be given a Grammy award, because his fart was really Good music.

All the dose of stench i had inhaled made me "overdosed". It was like an elixir that cured the insomnia i had, making me sleep like a baby.

Emperortj93: **just walkin b d syd of flow's thread** *saw a very very familiar face** kai, no b mazi (king of literature section) b dat *run out to mobilize crowd* oya make una tak am go him thread sharpali so dat e go continue tori cus guys can't fit wait o... Btw dodorima to flowbaba and egede 2 al him fans

Egede melody! So u be axe man? Omo egede!

"ehn na me be Man, Man wey dey reason, na me reason out dis beans and yam wey una wan chop, if no be so, all of una for drink water and sleep with empty belle" A not too short and not too chubby guy introduced himself. "i be the Ibo boy wey grow up for Sokoto, even sultan of Sokoto know me sef" he added after arranging the plates of food on the floor. I instantly believed he grew up in Sokoto because his skin was as black as charcoal.

I knew all these guys as my church members, but i never knew them by their names, sometimes i always saw them with Pkc in church, but my relationship with them was just a "hello-hi" relationship. They were my friends from a distance that would soon turn my bosom friends, or so i tot.

Ozommiri could be interpreted in English to mean Riverside. Not up to 100metres behind our small lodge lies a river. The river was a tributary of the dreaded Otammiri River. And just in front of our lodge was the Ozommiri bus stop. So our lodge was called Ozommiri lodge.

We started to eat the very tasty Beans and yam. The formation was 2-2-2-1. A one man attacking formation, the one man attacking was Pkc. While the rest of us ate in two's. "Man wey dey reason!!" Snoop hailed "dis ur food make sense oh". I saw from the corner of my eyes that Baba Jay was eating with so much speed, despite the fact that the food was piping hot. "dis food no dey burn dis guy for mouth, abi him mouth na Ac?" i said that out of my mind's mouth.

"Baba jay u dey cheat me oh, i no go dey chop with u again oh" Man complained. "na me tell u say make u dey chop like woman? chop like man na, abi u dey fear?" Baba jay responded. "God forbid bad tin, if na to chop like u be man, i no wan be man, i wan be woman" Man said as he tried increasing his pace.

I had never lived in the same room with six guys all my life, so i was already savouring the Euphoria of the relationship.


Time to sleep, the bed was made. "na who go sleep for ground na?" Man asked. "Man just sleep for ground today abeg, tommorow we go write the timetable for people wey go dey sleep for ground" Pkc said. "dis house sef ehn? na every tin una dey write timetable for, to cook na timetable, to wash plate na timetable, to sweep house na timetable, to fetch water na timetable, now to sleep for bed una wan write timetable" Tega said. "e good na, so quarel no go dey na" Baba jay said.

We chatted a bit making roof raising noise before we started falling asleep one after the other.

I caught Insomnia that night, all i was thinking was the kind of funny house i would spend the next one year in.

I wished Brainbox had not slept so he would keep me company just as he always did when we were at Umunkoto, we would silently chat at the middle of the night. I never knew a non-stop "thundering" sound and a "killing" stench would keep me company that night.

We got to Pkc's house on time to meet a full house.

I quickly took a glimpse at the room or rather the hall to notice it was as big as two convention rooms put together. It had two wardrobes and a wallpaper of Jesus was hung on the wall, on the wallpaper was written; "THE LORD IS MY SHEPHARD, I SHALL NOT WANT" boldly.

Though the room was beautiful, the number of guys in the room added to its beauty.

I and Brainbox sat on the floor because there was no space to seat on the bed. "man the food never done?" one of the guys said with a loud voice, "e don dey done" a voice responded from the kitchen. "make e done quick oh, i dey hungry die" i almost said.

It was time for introduction.

"na me dem dey call Baba Jay, i graduate from FUTO, na me be the only guy wey collect award for guiness book of record as the world best mess, my mess fit break concrete" Baba Jay gave a short but precise description of himself. "Baba jay!! Baba jay!! Baba jay!!" the other guys cheered. I and Brainbox laughed at such a funny introduction.

"na me be Tega, the finest boy, fine boy no pimples, i graduate from Nekede Poly, but i never serve" Tega gave a short but sharp introduction of himself. He was indeed fine (dat kin Chris brown type of fine na).


"na me dem dey Call Snoop, i graduate from IMSU, I still dey wait to go serve" Another guy that really looked like Snoop Dogg said. Infact, if he had said Snoop Dogg was his twin brother, i would have believed.

"i am Pkc, the pastor of this house, i graduated from IMSU too, but am currently doing God's work" Pkc said what i already knew. One thing about Pkc was that even if he was in a gathering where people spoke pigin English, he always stuck to speaking English, and he had his way with English words if i must confess. "Pkc, a.k.a every mountain of Eba must be brought down" Baba Jay added. I and Brainbox laughed uncontrollably because we knew what that meant; Baba jay was trying to tell us what we already knew. Pkc just smiled in response.

"i be Brainbox, the wisest man, i even wise pass Herbert Einstien sef, na why people dey call me Brainbox" Brainbox said and i cheered him.

"na me be Flow, i dey Flow like butterfly and sting like bee" I said. "i get spill over for IMSU" I added.


One thing we all had in common was that we were all Spill over students that were nursing our wounds far from our sch premises. But i wondered why God used Pkc to bring us together. Maybe God had a plan for us, so i tot.

Now it was food time, and there was one person that haven't yet introduced himself; the person that was cooking in the Kitchen.

yemi2plus2: Hope u go quick dey update unlike d oda thread?

i will do my best, but my best might not satisfy u. because it aint easy typing.

Am doing good. Am i really ur man?
@josphine4good

"how we go do am now?" i said as we sat in the room the following day. "i don call PKC, him say make una come stay with am for him house" Tochiba said. "which one be make una come stay with am for him place? U no go follow us go?" Brain box asked Tochiba. "i dey go village go stay oh, because i hear say some people dey build new house for village, so alluminiun contract go dey for me" Tochiba explained. I saw sense in his decision.

PKC was a nice young pastor in our church. His real name was Kelechi, KC for short. So PKC was a short form for Pastor Kelechi. The guy was an easy going guy. He was the kind of person that could take a bullet for his friends, but he loved food so much. The had a "ruminant" stomach. He could eat a bucket full of Eba and still ask for more.


"but guy u no try oh, u for tell us since say ur house rent don dey expire so we for try hustle out money" I said to Tochiba. "i no wan disturb una na, abi na una follow me pay the last one wey i pay? Una dey pursue una sch tins na, una need money for una sch tins na" he responded.


Four day later, Tochiba had already packed his properties to the village that morning.


As i and Brainbox walked from Umunkoto; where we were staying, to Ozommiri; where Pkc was staying with our bags, i was happy i wasn't going there alone, i was happy i was going with my friend Brain box, not know i would meet alot of very funny friends in Ozommiri.

alfablondy: oga flow. we dey follow u o!just came to lit session, realised you ve started. you cant leave us your fans behind na!

Alfablondy!! I see u ma nigga!!

"guy how far, chaw dey house? because the worm wey dey my belle don chop my intestine finish oh" i said to Brain Box as i got home. "guy chaw no dey house oh, we dey wait make u come sef before we go arrange chaw" Brain Box responded.(chaw was a slang for food) "because na me be una Mama na?" i said. "guy no be so oh, Tochiba no get money and me sef no get money" Brain Box responded.

Just then, Tochiba walked in and said, "our landlord come today oh. Him say make we pack comot for dis house oh, him say him give us from now to next week Tuesday to pack comot oh".

My bad!! i forgot to introduce my friends!! Brain box was a boy from Mbaise. His brain was his most priceless asset. In Nigeria, the most cunny set of human beings are from Mbaise in Imo state. An ibo Musician once sang that, "if u are in a room where an Mbaise man and a snake is, first kill the Mbaise man before u kill the snake, because the Mbaise man is more dangerous than the snake". Dangerous was the perfect word to describe Brain Box, sometimes he even scares me. His cunny nature fetched him the name Brain Box. He can even decieve the wisest of men. If i said he was an award winning dangerous con artist, i wasn't far from the truth. Brain box also had spill over, but not in my sch.

While Tochiba was my cousin, he was trained in Alluminium roofing and window assembling. His real name was Tochi, but he preffered to be called Tochiba.

They were both the roomates i had. I loved them so much. But what i never knew was that we would soon be divided.

kwangi: Man wey dey reason!
Hope dis one go make sense like "ibo boy wey like yoruba"

e go make sense die. Its undilluted comedy. I pledge never to fail your reading pleasure.

"Aro rugged you, how far?" i said "anchoring" KC with a frown on my face, "dis one wey ur face dey like dis, Prof Nwosu don nak u home and away?" Kc asked. "how u take know? guy him nak me home and away oh, what of u?" i asked, "guy my own na only away him nak me oh" Kc answered. "so we go stay for this town for another one year be dat?" I said. "naso oh, our mate go serve finish, we go still dey sch." Kc added.

Home and away was a slang we used in our department to refer to double failure. First of all, "Home" means if a lecturer is handling two courses(1st and 2nd semester) and you fail the first semester course, that means; "the Lecturer don nak u home". If you fail the second semester course, that means; "the Lecturer don nak u away". But if u fail both courses, that means; "the Lecturer don nak u home and away". In my case, the lecturer "nak" me home and away, Phy411 and Phy412.

"u get where u go dey stay?" i asked Kc. "i no get oh, i go dey come from Port-harcout, i go dey come once in a week" He responded. "me i dey stay with my cousin for Nekede, i go dey come anytime wey dem get lecture oh, u no say that Prof wicked, and him dey serious with attendance" I said. "him suppose consider us wey be spill over students na" Kc said. "u no know that man, set before our set wey get spill over dey come lecture, na God go save us oh" I said as we walked out of the sch compound.

"guy find me even if na 100 bucks make i take enter bus go Nekede na" I said. "take, manage am, na 50 bucks i get" Kc said offering me a worn out 50naira note. "u don try, u be correct man, half loaf of Agege bread is better than chin-chin" i said as i collected the money.


If there was one thing i seriously lacked lately, that thing was Money. Even 50naira was a huge amout of money to me.

I "anchored" Kc and walked slowly to where i would board a bus. What i never knew was that a bad news was waiting to be told at home.

sol2galay: Flow i really appreciate you write-up,it was hilarious,couldn't fine time to worry no to think of bad days,pls when are you giving us another tonic?

"man wey dey reason" starts right about.................. NOW

4kizo: Flow abeg wen d next tori go kick off?

very soon. Just keep ur fingers crossed.

Dignitary: Flow, u are a good writer! No doubt about that...

I just think u did not av to add the 'OAU cultists' part ! D truth is, there are no cultists in OAU! And if there are/were ( just assuming) they are either insignificant , few or very Scared to threaten anymore/show themselves!!!

Cheers!

that is why it is called, "secret" cult. Things are done in the secret and not the open. Don't be decieved oh, that they are no showing themselves doesn't mean they don't exist. If u came to school to study doesn't mean others came to sch to do the same. The time i came to Ilesa, i was told the same thing that there were no cultist in OAU. "I com dey think weda OAU na private university, abi na Oyibo dey go the sch?". Not until i met Bad pekin. The truth is that i used this story to tell u guys(OAU Students) that there are cults in ur sch, open ur eyes u will see them. Of a thruth i tell u.

Thanks for ur comment.

Before i forget, the guy Called Angom is in nairaland. He said i shouldn't tell his username. He is not a story person, but i disturbed him with calls until he read some parts without commenting.

Peterjosh: Flow i dey rage big time o,u no hala me nah.Anyway thanks so much for what i call a masterpiece from an ever flowing literary pot.Thanks man

thank you too. guy go back go look. Ur name dey there, u no c am well

IZUKWU: flow , how come my name no enter your hall of fame upon say,i follow this thread right from day one and i dey visit here every day and somedays more than once and i dey comment also, you no fit say you no see my name ,the thing even dey for capital letter . Oya amend the list sharp sharp .

bros no vex, oya make we go that legendary go drink. Make i buy u Alomo

jaymichael: You are still asking how was the story, let me just give it a one word description. AMAZING. SPLENDID. FANTASTIC. BEAUTIFUL. Oops, just one word cannot describe your story. Your writing style reminds me so much of John Grisham. By the way Flow, thanks for mentioning me among those that were "addicted" to your story. you ve done GREAT. Thank you and ONE LOVE.

thank u oh. John Grisham, wow! can i fit to his shoes? May be in the nearest future.

Chicent: Finally!!! Flow u do wel,i really do appreciate ur effort.i must tel u lost d flair in ur story bt its nt easy sha.kip it up bro. More powers 2ur elbow. Sail on

i didn't loss the flair, i was just giving detailed information of events as they unfolded. I knew at a time i was funny and at another time i was "dry" but all the same, i didn't tell the story to make u laugh(even though u laughed), I told it as it happened. Thanks sha.