₦airaland Forum

Godlovesyou28:
He lived more with my grandfather but come home once or twice a year until he was entered the Marist brothers boarding school (holidays where mostly in the village); those schools are run like seminaries; after secondary school he went straight to seminary school.

Your missing link is your cousin/brother. From your statement, he knows the village very well and people he can approach for answers without even involving your father. Remember not to divulge your source at first to your brother, be sure he is very in before you tell him your source if you must.

Go and sleep as you have been advised, tomorrow is another day.

Godlovesyou28:
He knows he is adopted after his parents died, that's all I know. His father is my dad's late brother and he is a photocopy of my dad just like me.

Can't you see it's not adding up? Your mum can't have him and give him out at birth if he is your brother, meaning they lied to both of you.
At what age were you told he was adopted? It seems he was tough on them, they quickly baled out by telling him he was adopted, no wonder he was shipped off to seminary school. How old was he when he left the house? You need to find out from him how your step mum treated him the little time he stayed in the house.


Your step mum seem to have succeeded on your mum, him priest, you don't want to marry too obviously because of what you saw growing up and she is dreaming you are a reverend sister but her children are getting married.

Godlovesyou28:
He is older than me by 2 or 3years.
He was adopted the same year I was born so I doubt he would remember his parents.

Thanks for understanding what this means to me; I mean having my own closure.

If he was adopted same year you were born and he is two or three years your senior, how is it that he had another parents? Did your mum had him and gave him out? Who told you he was adopted? Was he also told he was adopted? Did you see pictures of his said parents?

Godlovesyou28:
My mind is failing me right now , could she be lying?
The last time I even saw him has been so long.
What do I do
I feel more sorrow than I have ever felt all my life.
Should I confront my dad with this?
Am loosing my mind.

Wrong move, don't confront your dad you would be exposing the woman.

I almost added that another of your siblings could be from your mum in my first post. You need to get in touch with your cousin, does he not have social media presence?
Is he older than you? Find out how his relationship with his dead parents was? What you heard without revealing the source, claim an anonymous contact sent you the information. From his reaction you would tell if she is lying.

For your well-being take small break from this. Your desperation will sell you for free to the woman, she may capitalize on it to lie to you or cash out on you. But I believe she is not lying about your cousin being your brother. You need to find him but don't be hasty. Becareful not to let your parents know you want to contact your cousin.

Forget that person saying your mum is your source of sorrow, if they treated you well, you won't be this desperate to find her, you probably won't have hated marriage too. Forget that nonsense story he also told you, no two situations are exact, he doesn't even know the closure it gave to his friend if his story is true (hope your half sibling is not here already because I can't understand his desperation to bully and talk you out). You need your own closure.

Godlovesyou28:
I have no idea whether she is dead or a life and intend to find out.
My siblings fear me more than I fear them; their only weapon against me is hate and my weapon against them is forgiveness and resolve - they know I never quit anything I start until I conclude it. I have weighed all my options and the court is my best option.

You should please try to calm down a little. You know you need a wise and reliable shoulder to lean on, help you see when you clouded with emotions and support you. See you yearn for love, something you have never had, another reason you so want to meet your mother. But take it slowly, don't be over confident it is just the missing link for your life.

I think you should relax a bit and think clearly how to handle this. The court option should come last. Firstly, I believe you can still meet the person who revealed it to you. Don't push too much at first, let her know you don't want her to tell how to find your mum but that she should kindly tell where your mum is from(village)? If she is still alive? Relevant indirect questions that are clues and won't implicate her. Remember to keep them few, also do something good to her that will make her open up easily.

Somebody suggested using news paper advert, it is also a good option to consider before court. But before this try and find people from your village online or if possible go to the village but online is safer. See if they can identify with your family name and dig up something. Those unfriendly relatives you see, is it possible to look in their children's direction for help.

Your step mum have your dad around her fingers and manipulate him at will to make you and his family do her biddings. Keep calm and reduce the impression that you are determined because she is also pressing her buttons. The way they are going, it is hardly likely your mum abandoned you. You need calm to think well, get a good shoulder even if anonymous to support you because it will likely not end well if driven by too much emotions. I believe your mum is alive with the way everyone is afraid, I also believe you will find her. See, if there is your dad's relative that is not happy with your step mum, do him/her good to your advantage with promise to protect his/her identity.

igbowoman:
That man only needs a cook.Isnt this obvious to you yet?.I hope you havent been dickmatized yet.You dont need a face to face break up with this one before he wounds you .If you have your bathroom slippers or clothing there just go and collect it discreetly,go back to your place and send him a short text ,no long grammar.

" Hello Ofiafuluagu, this will not work out between us.It's been nice knowing you these 4 weeks.Take care and God bless".
Sincerely,
Vikky

what does "Ofiafulagu" means?

Vikky1234 you are just a free maid needed for necessary service. Just look out the job description before you, your job is to be taking care of him, friends and family and you are the least important of them all.

easyconnect:
Do you mean I should show him someone he should look up, to emulate them?
It kind of complex

I mean like a mentor. He doesn't need to be on the lookout to emulate the person. He just need to be friends and free with the person and the person can naturally direct his path especially on men issues where necessary.

It may not happen immediately, but if you find such a person with character, you can introduce both of them, if your son likes the person then they can kick off. You can even let the person know you want him to be a mentor ONLY if you have proven beyond doubt that the person can deliver.

Don't ever tell any lie to cover his father, it will come back to hurt you. Also if care is not taken, he may grow up believing he can repeat his father ways and nothing will spoil. The person telling you to do all that nice cover for his dad is a potential irresponsible soul like his father, trust me, I know so because anyone who has walked through your child's shoe or who is sane will never recommend that.

Stop bothering yourself, things will fall into place if you look up to God and do your best. Don't force him calling his dad if he is not interested. You can get him a small phone to reach you when not around though.

As for those issues you want to discuss, don't force them. He is growing, seeing and learning things, when he gets to the ones he doesn't understand or need answers to, he will ask you by himself. You can then open up fully when he is 12-13years.

What you should be bothered now with is where and how to get a father figure for him because he needs that void to be filled. It could be your brother, relative, neighbor, friend but you must be very sure of the person's character and lifestyle as it will reflect on him. Also you should be careful of sexual molesters. If you can't get a trusted male immediately, you can start with a role model from TV or something. Remember the father's figure lifestyle above any selfish desire you may have.

I hope you see this. You were honest at the start, then you started watering things when insults were coming too much than you thought.

Truth is you are suffering stuff but the funny thing is you want your wife to ameliorate your suffering because she some how contributed to it but what you don't know is that, she is suffering too and you contributed to it. Both of you are dealing with the effects of each other actions yet don't want to shift grounds. You know, you said your wife is ignorant, you have become too focus on her inefficiencies that you can't see that your actions are driving her worse.

You struck me when you said you can't promise you will change from cheating but somehow you want your wife to stop nagging. Hey, that's a woman that love you too much to even be bothered with what you do with your body even when you are contributing nothing to the home. Some women would have a given you a better ride for your game so much that your esteem will not afford you an erection any longer.

You say your wife don't understand personality without knowing you are same or worse because if you knew, you could have helped her shortcomings and complemented her. Like what is wrong with planning the meals since you the better, buying the clothes etc. I believe there are things she also does better than you that you have not been able to rival in 9years.

You even married her selfishly and expect her not to make her self demands too. You said you married her because she wasn't the outing type, whereas you are the social type. You left your kind because you know they are prone to waywardness and went for the homely one who less selfishly is demanding for a homely man-her kind.

If you want to see real change oga, start from yourself, change your bad ways and friends, you know them and see your wife and home change.

abumeinben:
Here:

www.nairaland.com/attachments/11284793_img20200330124552_jpegc816fc54863362496f9209ce9f83b749

Lemme start:

Hit the nail on the head.

Where is the picture?

On a normal day access bank no well not to talk of lock down.

And here I was thinking all those doses of redpills you ingested would take of things like this plus your madness.

This dog no come life come suffer.

It is not ego at all but a kind of laziness. I saw this type of laziness clearly with a man who has two cars, he uses non for business except to run errands for his wife who does food business. He assist her truly with the business but y'all know how better their finances would be if he gave someone one of the cars or at least uses it for uber. Then I payed attention to the way he assist the wife and I saw even though he is helping, most of his work in the kitchen is mere busy body because he can't handle the kitchen work efficiently like the wife plus there is this limit to what a man can do in the kitchen before the public as far as our society is concerned. At the end of the day bulk burden is on the woman who is now looking way older than the man from too much stress.

Some people are naturally laid back, if you don't push them to get on the road they don't seem to know how to pull themselves up when they lie flat on the ground but can do very well when they are helped up. I can bet someone helped him with his first job.

What your sister need to do now is to expand the grinding business for him and let him man it with the way someone already suggested on managing the finance. Because if he is left alone he won't just pick himself up.

More importantly now, your sister should watch out for which of her kids is laid back like the dad because that is where his mum failed. He can do chores because he was assisting his mum and she was comfortable with just that, today that is all he can offer because his hustling spirit doesn't switch on its own. She would have pushed him to do those chores and hustling young boys starts with especially outside the home. So this is what your sister should look for and start doing early else history will repeat itself. Early traits to look out for in these set of lazy People is that they like doing things at their own time which is usually late, they stay indoors too much, they rise up late etc let your sister maximize the little he can do because there exist the ones that are altogether useless.

Forget all those we really don't need to know if you funded him for your birthday, it greatly cleared things that you spelt it out. He could have either managed from what he was surviving on before his salary comes or promise to make it up on a later day if he had any dignity of a potential worthy husband.

Then again you seem just too desperate to the point that it attracts the wrong ones and still drive them away. Can you develop some self worth and principles and not twerk them every minute to suit and accomodate every dick'e you come across?!

Asquare84:
why are women are like this, in my own case i am a graduate and working comfortable and i married secondary school leaver, as i am typing this she nag a lot over unnecessary things, she told me her money is only meant for her personal use and not for me. my neighbor frequently report her to me of gossip, i strongly believe her level of education is affecting her. my people i am too young to face any high B.P because of wife

You couldn't get a graduate or more older mature woman like you because they are midnight newspapers, well enjoy your early morning news paper.

Btw, why have you not done something about her education since you can clearly see it is affecting her reasoning? You still want to evade responsibilities?

OP you lied about the reason you hid your plans from your wife unfortunately she knows you and the real reason better, now you are paying for it.

You can decide to still lie to strangers for sympathy but just tell yourself the truth for once, pick the lessons from your issue and mend your ways.

LLSAINT:
Broz, don't bother
I went there, it was an eye-sore
All the animals looked hungry and starved
The lions struggled to move
Same applies to other animals
I wasted my hard-earned money and the Babe wey we go together, hiss

The lion even struggled to move for you, it couldn't even turn its head for me, was it the energy from the small cow meat it shares with the hyeana for a month that it will waste on any visitor. The snakes that feeds on day old chicks once in three weeks were hiding under a large stone to prevent visitors noise from draining it, I guess the tour guide forgot to tell me they are introverted because he must have exhausted the nocturnal line He used for other animals. The Ostriches 'oncur', they eat their eggs to make up for their meal, as such couldn't be bothered with any visitor. You will only see their big black body from a distance as though you are watching a country from another country.

The porcupine hides all day in the only hole in the cell it shares with white rats, if you have a desire to see a porcupine there, forget it, you would only see the spikes from the hole. One of the monkeys has lost its one hand to a chimpanzee due to hunger. The 93 years old tortoise stayed in one spot forever, I taught it was dead till a child climb on its back. The tiny lean antelope takes off the minute it sees any visitor, I guess it understands that the hunger there is a reflection of that in the country and that it can become a victim. The tour guide said the hyeanas communicate by laughter but they couldn't risk one laugh, instead they stared like what is there to laugh about. If you have seen a very hungry looking Fulani then you probably have seen the horses there.

All the animals are just waiting for the date they will become extinct by hunger.

It cost #400 per head for an adult but you will pay more if you request for a tour guide. The park is self sponsored, no government support, so I encourage people to visit especially those who have never been to a zoo, the environment also is a nice relaxation spot.

.

Thanks.

Where are the older three children of the woman? I am asking because if she has dumped them somewhere she will one day return this to your husband's.

My main fear is let it not be you getting your fingers burnt by yourself. I won't be surprised if that friend is still giving the lady support. Even though you want to do right be very careful because that lady has found a very fertile ground for her plans. Are you surprised she still has mouth? She feels because you guys don't have kids your husband can't do without her. She feels he is coming now because he doesn't have kids so if she doesn't use the opportunity of marriage now where else will she go? Which is why she said he knows the right thing to do.

Please, please, shock this lady. If she rebuff this next attempt by your marriage sponsors please don't ever again think about the child till a good number of years when she would have seen that you guys can do without her that's is if she has not come to dump him due to financial challenges.

Please let sleeping dogs lie. You are already waking so many people's attention to the need for your husband to have his own child, it may only be a matter of time before some of these people take it further with your husband behind your back. Forget she doesn't have a good record of wife material, the one she has now which is trusted ability to birth kids is the one they will request. The lady knows your husband is weak willed, try as much as possible to even avoid him meeting her before she spin things out of proportion using the child as a bait.

Focus on getting your surrogate child, then you can see how to bring up the other one. Even if she agrees to DNA now, and it is your husband's don't be hasty to bring him to the family house. Monthly allowance can be sent until the boy is a little bit grown. My own is don't by yourself worsen things.

I think your approach also made her unshakable in her stance. I don't think what you are requesting for is totally out of place but you should leave room for not having it totally your way. If you always lovingly declare your love for low cut she may yield occasionally to please you, especially since you are not always around. She can get creative with it so that she rock both low cut and plaited hair.

If after using a lovely approach and it is still not working, take it as one of those harmless aspects of her she can't lose. Trust me you also have such harmless aspects you don't want to give up even for your wife. If you look honestly within you would see it though you pride your self as one who can sacrifice for her. Let me add that even these kinds of strong holds may slack with age. Also remove your mind from you sacrificed for her before and therefore owe you all your demands because truth is there are other ways she is sacrificing for you that you can't return in exact coin.

Your wife rebuffed your suggestion because of the manner you said it to her plus a total stranger example would fair better than your former colleague's.

There's is a thread for pregnant women in health section, please follow it, it will do you a lot of good.

Then to your marriage, you have entered a funny one, you have to grow thrice the pace you ordinarily would now. As it is you don't have the support of your family or husband's. It means you have to invest in building a support system for your self and child otherwise you will always remain down . Your biggest problem seem to be your husband flirty ways, that now should not be your problem anymore because the only way you know around it causes you heartache, drop the problem fast, take on your personal ones that we give you progress when you solve them, I mean change your approach because your old one is not working. Spend your energy on ways to ensure safe delivery, get a source of livelihood so that when you want to take a step forward nobody will remind you of your waste of education or that you need their money or help to live.

If you had money you wouldn't have wasted that time you did on your first pregnancy because you know your husband better than me that he wouldn't move you to hospital for any reason. If you are using your time to make or think of how to make money for your self, you won't notice when he video chat exes. Your attention now should be how can you legitimately help yourself since no one wants to.

dannyla:
Thanks, I'm voicing out my fears to get encouragement. Yes, it causes a secret low self esteem for me

Do the right thing. You and your mum will come out Victorious. I pray God gives you a better man that will make your mum rejoice the rest of her life not this one please.

dannyla:
The funny thing is there are women lining up to date him o. So he feels he's doing me a favour / I'm the lucky one

And you think there were no women lining up before he met you or you think you are the first best. They all borrowed senses and left him after knowing who he is. The ones lining up will do same if they come on board and leave him for unfortunate victims like you willing to trade your life for nothing. Know this from today, if you see any financially ok man proposing to a lady immediately he met her, he is highly likely hidding something he doesn't want her to find before the point of no return.

As for your mum's case, I see you inherited some kind of low self esteem without knowing. Girl you have failed your mum already. Your mum feels the way she does due to her lack of exposure and family abuse but you with all your exposure in this day can't correct your mum's orientation before she goes to the grave then you have failed her. If she goes the other side of life and find out that it wasn't her fault she was raped and you could have helped her all her life change that life long burden then....
Let me tell you, you will send your hypertensive mum to her grave earlier the day you marry this guy because if your mum dare question his actions to you he will not fail to tell her all your colleagues raped you, so brace for a life time of living in fear. But I beg to please see your rape as an avenue to free your mum from a life long burden, react differently from her, set the example, hold your head high instead of bowing down in shame knowing that your God will revenge your rapist.

Note there's hardly a thread that you will not find more than one opinion because even if devil come phisically to earth he will still get followers but up to 3 pages and counting there's only one opinion yet you want find a reason to still look away.

Virus99:
Guy that's lapalapa... You no dey bath well

Go and buy ose agoyin and iron sponge.

Lapalapa
Ringworm
Okirikpoto
Body scratch

Ladyboobae:
you made a sticking point here....he doesn't see me as wife,his still with me because of our daughter...he said he doesn't want another child yet...he is the one causing the delay

You really need to get up and pray long hours at midnight, it sure works.

But you also have to add work to your faith/prayer. That man doesn't see you as his wife for now, all the time and effort you use in making you to see him as one just channel into getting something for you. With the insinuation that even ICAN won't guarantee you job in your location you might need to look for money for business instead then certifications can come when you can well afford it. Infact one of the quickest way to get that man to see you as someone he can wife is when you first stop giving him all that attention you are wasting and when you pay bills by yourself confidently, when you move around him confidently like someone with enough worth just unfortunate to be with an ungrateful soul. You give him so much power with the esteem you have now, the way you look and the way you indirectly confirm to him that you won't survive without him. Wise up now and stop wasting time.

midnighter:
This is why I asked her if her husband was angry with her

A typically irresponsible husband would lavish money outside and include their daughter in the punishment. Yet he even sent their daughter to an elite school

If its because he wants her to stay at home, he would give her money to discourage her from looking for work or from working for 12K .. even if its just chicken change he would beg her to manage it

I feel they have some issue between them that she doesnt want to explain... allowing your own wife to languish in the house without any particular explanation is a deliberately cruel action

Well she doesnt have to explain it but if she doesnt, then no point bringing the issue here with incomplete information and getting an advice that doesnt even suit what shes going through

The other aspect of it is just to ignore him and find another way of supplementing her income since the man is not interested

With the time she married and the age of her baby as someone pointed out, it is obvious pregnancy trapped the man into the marriage and he is taking his pound of flesh. Perhaps ordinarily he would have fallen in love properly with OP but with the likes of his mum constantly reminding him of the OP coming to his life to milk him, that may not happen soon.

Rehoboth97:
Your husband may be a narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder tend not to care about their wives/husbands' welfare. They are very controlling and lack empathy. It took me almost 20 years to find an answer to why my husband was extremely nice to everyone except me. As others have suggested, look for ways to boost your income and network. Best wishes

Sorry to ask, was your husband also nice to your kids in terms of their welfare?


Btw, narcissist are not nice to others as well, it is certain class of fools that message their egos by been nice to outsiders while those at home suffers inspite of their abundance.

bukatyne:
Except I missed it, no where did the OP claim she requested that her husband help her or he refused to or stopped her from getting a job. I don't think she has discussed the exams or lack of with him.

She's lamented that she has no certification and she has not been getting jobs (maybe due to no certifications).

It might not be out of bigness that he gives his kith and kin. They might be the people who literally made him.

A friend had a brother who put he through school. Unfortunately, his skill set became obselete and today, she is at least sending something to them every month.

I believe if she sees the bigger picture and the plan together, things will take shape.

Even if she didn't say it, did you really believe yourself when you said the op has not ask for help from her husband?

There's is no way that man will go broke with what he earns to the point of not having money to give her if he is not deliberate with his action. That man spends 2-3wks at work during which his food and toiletries are catered for by the company. For him to go the mile of putting his daughter in an above average school in their locality shows he will go miles for what he places value on.

It is either op has not said why her hubby treats her so or it is a spell, because in the ordinary situations where things like this play out, the man usually stock the house with enough food, possibly buy wife's clothes, does not allow her work at all and yet doesn't not give her cash. This is a case of my business with you is our child you are your own business.

It seems as though Op wouldn't have been his choice of wife if he had his way. Their child is four already with no sibling unless it is natural delay, it is atypical of a Nigerian man with a job except the OP is responsible otherwise it begs another question of their sex life. I don't think that man sees Op as his wife, he is only still there because of the child.

healthserve:
" Sowing seeds ".


Let's ask the Op to show the husband this thread. Let me come and see what the wife posted transpired between them. Until then, tree softly. We've not been told the complete truth here. I feel

Where is the marriage and who is the mother in law, wife, husband you have been throwing up and down?

You spent so much time focusing your vindictive energy on baby124 than on the real issue in question, I am sure her Moniker attracted you to this thread and you and your kinds looking for who to pour their frustrations on have succeeded in derailing the thread.

Please just take some time to evaluate your self because you are beginning to come off as a woman wrapper to people that have notice this your nagging attitude in different threads. Now I see why your ex jilted you.

LilMissFavvy:
If your wife or her family members are spiritual, then they may have been told In a church that you are the cause of her childlessness, tho they may not know exactly how the fault is yours. Probably that could be the reason you are tagged a ritualist.

At this point in your life, you must be strong and face whatever comes up, she may come back to you, or she may not. Get a nanny to help with the kids if you can't cope alone.

Not everyone who read your previous/current posts blame you, I felt sad and broken going through your posts, especially seeing that you were just 17yrs when your sister in-law began seducing you, and it took you two years to fall into the temptation. I'm so sorry, I can imargine what you went through in her hands, and of course your brother would never have believed you if you told him.

I am convinced it is karma playing a fast one on you, a wife who genuinely loves you may listen to you and forgive you, especially since you committed the evil due to pressure and at a young age, that's why you should have confessed long ago. Unfortunately, your brother is dead. After the burial is over......if your wife returns, go on your knees and confess, make sure you lay emphasis on your age and the torments you went through. She will be mad, but ''may''forgive you. If she dosent return and you remarry in future, go on your knees and tell your new fiancee. It is best you confess and set your self free. I once heard about a nanny who used to beat the baby under her care, if the baby poo she takes the poo and smashes it on the child's mouth for the child to eat, baby would cry cry and become sick. To cut the story short, this nanny later married but was childless for many years, till a word came for her in church, she confessed and was set free. I would like to modify my post when you are done reading, I don't like sounding spiritual in the family section. I advice you pray and get closer to God, God will help you.

You gave him the whole truth as it is, why are you ashamed/afraid of sounding spiritual somewhere?

Op your wife's family already found out you are the cause of your wife's problem but don't know exactly how. Confess because continual silence will cause problems still even with another wife. What you did is grave, you led your brother to an early grave and damaged others too. God is only being merciful and giving you time because you were young and pushed into evil but you were old enough to run from evil, Joseph was not as old when he fled, so you see you had no justification but your redemption lies in confessing and you must restitute by taking care of your brother's kids no matter what.