₦airaland Forum

A married lawyer made love to his girlfriend inside his car one day. The girl enjoyed it so much that she forgot her panty. On getting home, his wife saw the girls panty in the car. She got mad and tore it into pieces screaming. Honey! Honey!! Honey!!! What's this? The lawyer calmly replied. My God, you've just destroyed evidence of a rape case worth millions of pounds. She quickly fell on her knees apologizing. Honey please forgive me, God will bring another one!.....

Musa came back from school singing and dancing. His father was wondering why he was so happy and decided to ask him.
DAD: My son, I have never seen you in this mood in a long while. Any good news to share?
MUSA: Dad, next year you wouldn't be buying any textbook, or any study material.
DAD: That's my boy. Did you win a scholarship?
MUSA: No! I'm repeating the same class again.

English Language is not by force, if u can't speak correctly, kindly use pidgin or ur mother Tongue.
Today, I told a girl " excuse me, pls go back I want to pass" and she said " PLEASE! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!! I can't go backer than this, can't you see there is somebody in front of my back?

Dat ugly moment when your girlfriend throws you on the bed, trying to be sexy, but you hit your head on the bedstead and die...
hell fire straight....

A married woman entered a Pharmacy, she walked to the Pharmacist looked straight into his eyes and said: 'I would like to buy FAST KILLING POISON FOR HUMANS'.
The bewildered Pharmacist asked: 'Why, what for? The lady replied: 'I need it to poison my husband'.
The Pharmacist shouted: 'Lord have mercy, it’s against the law! It’s a sin.'
Absolutely not! shouted the lady. She reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and screamed: 'Why didn’t you tell me you had a Prescription....

The Way A Nigerian mum Sends Someone On An Errand will leave U confused!
MY MUM : Go and buy me bathing Soap. If Lux is N70 buy it, but if there is no Lux, buy Joy soap. If there is Lux, but they are selling it at N80 and Joy soap at N70, buy Joy soap. But if Joy and Lux are both at N80 each, buy Lux soap. If the two soaps are not available, buy anyone good that is N70.
ME: Sorry Mum, what did you send me to buy?

ALCOHOL IS NOT A JOKE..!!!
Two guys after boozing went to a bus stop but found a bus just leaving so they ran after it but there was only one seat left!!, Therefore only one guy boarded the bus.
The guy who was left behind started laughing
till he fell on ground..!!
Someone asked him as to why he was left behind and laughing??
He replied, "the guy who boarded forgot that he was just seeing me off.

I haven't been myself since yesterday when I heard my neighbor's son saying; Capital latter 1 Small latter 1 Capital latter 2 Small latter 2 School fees wasted.

Am not a prophet , neither am i an evangelist but I know one thing for sure; somebody on this forum is still using 2016 tooth Brush in this September 2017...
You know yourself

After Service on Sunday, a Wife saw Her Husband sitting quietly in d Church Garden. She got concerned nd decided to ask Him.
Wife: Hey Darling, why are U sitting so quietly in d Garden? What is Bothering U?
Husband: I am thinking about d Confession of Our Pastor. It's making Me Uncomfortable.
Wife: What is it?
Husband: D Pastor confessed that He has Slept wth all d Married Women nd single Girls in d Church but ONLY one Woman didn't want to Sleep wth Him becos She Fears God.
Wife: It must be that Madam Comfort...She's always doing Holy Holy. Mtcheeew.

Be careful who you share secrets with ....Three pastors met & agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems, which must be kept a secret between the three of them. The first pastor said; my problem is money . l do steal even from the church offering . Please pray for me. The second pastor; mine is women. Whenever l see any woman, my desire will be to go to bed with her. Infact l have slept with most of the church (female) members. Turning to the third pastor to hear his problem, he started crying (it took his friends some effort to calm him). When they asked him to continue, he was still crying , he said my problem is gossiping, when we leave this place everybody will hear everything the two of u have just told me. Please pray for me! ... The two pastors fainted.

# Everything is now so expensive in Nigeria!!! Such that;Witches don't even put enough stew on rice in our dreams

Today I was coming back from church, in the bus there sat a very pretty girl. All the guys in the bus were staring at her. Many of them passed their destination without knowing, as for me I was very proud of myself because I sat next to her. I did all the signs I could to make her feel my presence but all in vain, An idea came to my mind. I took my phone and dialed a fake number as guys always do to attract girls' attention. Me: Hello Mum, pls I'm calling to remember u that I can't make it today because I just received a call from LAGOS state governor asking me to replace him at the meeting bcz he is not in Nigeria nw. Pls tell my brother to use my range over 2017 to come and pick u up from the market. I will be at home in 2days. thanks Mum. I will Mum. Love u too. All this while the girl was looking at me, I said in my heart that she will fall for me if I talk to her .. Me: Hi baby, y r u looking at me like that? R u surprise? Girl: Pls collect ur phone battery. it fell down when u were removing it from your pocket..... I couldn't raise my head till I got down from the car.

ANGELS: Father! We are tired of these Nigerians in heaven. GOD: What have they done this time? ANGEL: Everything! They don't listen to instructions. They don't obey traffic rules. They don't wait for their turn in anything. They are completely reckless! GOD: Then we better send them to hell! (Calls the Devil). Hello.. SATAN: Hello my creator and master, pls call me later. There's an issue I'm trying to resolve. Ten (10) minutes later: GOD: Hello Lucifer. SATAN: Your Lordship my father! I'll call you back. The issue has turned into a crisis ooo! An hour later: SATAN: Hello? GOD: What's going on over there? SATAN: It's the Nigerians I have with me in hell oooo! (He stammers),they... they... they have quenched the fire in hell and installed air conditioner.

Pls friend i need Ur advice......... I told my dad 2day dat i won a scholarship 2 read medicine in UK, he was very happy dat he order my mum 2 slaughter 2 chicken 4 celebration and we popped champagne, before i knw he sold his car and collect loan without even telling me , he gave #200,000 as thanksgiving in church and he even divorced his second wife, now i' ve been thinking of how 2 tell him that it was April fool. Plss how do i tell him??

Are you stressed out?? And your mom still forces you to go for that vigil on Friday??
Here's a tip on how to sleep in vigils uninterrupted by ushers when the pastor is on the pulpit wait for the right atmosphere then shout Jesus three times, roll on the floor three times then position wella.. Zzzzzzzzzzzz!!!
Sleep off. The pastor would even tell the usher "leave him!!, don't touch him"

I have lost my appetite for the past 23hours when a pretty lady told me she hate egg because of the bones in it.
Abeg nobody should hold me..
Okay u want to faint too,faint here i will goan faint ma own in anoda place

A Burial Yesterday, While I Was There My Brother Called My Phone To Ask Who Killed The Chicken At Home.. At That Time The Pastor That Was Preaching Was Saying "Whosoever That Killed This Man Will Confess Today"..
I Tried To Reply My Brother In A Low Voice But, He Couldn't Hear Me Because The Place Was Noisy, So I Shouted " Na Me Kill Am !!"
* Brothers And Sisters The Next Thing I Can Remember Is That I Woke Up In A Hospital This Afternoon With A Swollen face. 3 Teeth MissIng And A Broken Bone

Short fat girls holding their waist with one hand be looking like tea cup..Fada lord!

My neighbour came back home drunk and has been knocking at his door from 3am up to now, but he STAYS ALONE.
Should I go and tell him that he's not around?

Wen u pay ur school fees (N450,000) through a mobile app, and in d next 2 minutes Airtel or M.T.N send u a message saying "u have successfully subscribed for 8years 250,000GB wit d sum of 450,000, Thank u for choosing Airtel.
....The witches in ur village will just whisper..."is awa work oo softwork.

Am laughing because Here for naija there is nothing as painful as seeing light in ur neighborhood while u dont have in ur compound So once nepa takes the light U will smile with satisfaction

I had my first sex when I was 16 to an older friend, i think was around 18 or 19...we were really close neighbours...the girl was a real slut...it all first started when I saw her Nude on her phone n I threatened to blackmail her...she offered sex and it was mad....i released too early so I had to give her a head n finger her with two hands....the sex was great.

Share yours

I was surprised to see that a man at 70 years still calls his wife "baby,sweety,Darling and angel"
so I asked him what's the secret
And he said "well I call her that coz I forgot her name 10 years ago and am scared to ask her what her name is"

I was standing in front of my house waiting for any available taxi and two kids ran up at me a boy and a girl And the little girl asked me "can I get pregnant" I thought for a minute and said "no you can't get pregnant" The little boy said "see I told you let's go and continue" and they ran off I shouted "continue what!!!"

Please girls with sagging BOOBS should stop wearing high waist jeans I just saw one girl with her boobs in her pocket

You don't know pain if you have never posted a pic of your bae on Facebook and then she inbox you like "baby please delete that pic before my boyfriend see's it"

I don't think anyone has felt used like me, A girl once dated me because I was tall n she needed someone to help hang her curtains

Teacher : behind every successful man there is a woman. Class,what do we learn from this?
Mandla : We should cease wasting time in studies and find a woman.

I stopped watching Nigerian movies When someone fell from a hospital bed and the nurse
Screamed "call the ambulance!"

Parents tells us no sex b4 Marriage yet, But we appear on their wedding photos.

I thought I had a girlfriend until I asked for her plans for tomorrow and she told me she wants to see a dentist to check her eyes that she can't hear anything