₦airaland Forum

oh mu gosh kids

na wa oo its only in oyinbo land they display nonchanlancy
funny though but scary

bluh! half kilo of laughing gas should ve been posted!

re contsructed all join nice

what re u guys talking about these are our ever loyal leaders we re talking about they need executive treatment like hmmmmmm hanging them up by thier balls

oga he cant be totally bald now write mmmmmmmmmm burgundi or mauve or fuchia or mint green

my goodness obviosly she needed the glasses i feel bad this is a bad joke

im sabi work

very responsible

please oh they should roast thier arse

this thread still exist? e don tey now

@ clemcykul
so u no get teeth lol
u guys re really cracking me up here

@ lovemajek
nice the image i really in his head

WHAT?

Afrcans gen face this probs

:p

@ clemcykul
tx u have a lovely week ahead aswell

READ THE CONVERSATION: Hello? Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetery in Bridge- WHAT?! If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved for you - You reserved what for me, A grave? A free burial space. What's the difference? Well, the word "grave" can be scary sir. You can disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtesy call to - How interesting. So, as a Telemarketer, you pick up the phone and cold call people to pitch them with offers? Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them - Of course. Who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definitely interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before you die, right? I agree with you sir. You're so open-minded about this. A lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself. I see say na you dem send come. I'm sorry? Send, come? Oh, they don't use the witchdoctor in the village anymore, right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you dem send come! I'm sorry sir, but I don't know what you're talking about. I get fillage too o! I be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me Gold Circle condom protection, you hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like? I don't understand what you're saying - You go understand by force. Na airmail I go take send winch to you, you hear. Una tink say una know winch just because una dey do halloween. You tink winch na dat abracadabra una dey do for America? You tink na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show you where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-color winch, For my fillage, na your eyes I go take flavor the juju. You go know betta winch when my own army land. I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way - You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do I sound offended? Why would I be offended because you - kind-hearted telemarketer that you are - reserved a grave for me? Do you know how old I am? 32. In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive. You want me to die before them? I didn't mean anything - You people never mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare you wish me death - No, that's not what - I DON'T CARE! Do you know how many years I worked on getting a visa to come to America? 10 years. 10! Do you know how many laws I broke in so many countries before I found my way here? I have been here only 2 years. All the people who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria. This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because I am just now able to afford a telephone because I cannot make good money due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before I can even begin to enjoy a little, Ah, your own don spoil o. I swear, e no go betta for you. E no, what? Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes dem go take cry for you for dat yeye grave wey you don reserve for yaself. Are you cussing me sir? Cuss you? Why should I? Why would I want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country. I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me. See dis wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish, Look, just as an aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard? Some of them do have - No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of dem make una dey go do whassup my dog for Hollywood, abi na where you dey call from. I have to hang up now sir. Before you hang up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them they have a free burial space, then try to get them to buy expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it called? Bait and switch, right? I don't know what you're talking about. You get pickin? Get picking? Picking what? You get pickin? You don born bomboy? Mai you dash your pickin the grave now. Dash picking, You' re dissing me? Diss? Dis one pass diss, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S., kiss - serious kiss of death. I have to hang up now sir. No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetery for your unborn children. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily Times obituary section - That's mean! You can't talk to me like that just because I'm a telemarketer. We are people too. Yes, bad people, People who call me at all kinds of hours to trick me into buying what I don't need. I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported! My juju go don finish you before you reach the place! Winch pass winch! You no go die betta, I tell you. I go make sure say dem give you craze first, make you waka enter K-Mart abi wetin una dey call market for dis side - before dem finish you! She reserve grave, Why you no take knife come kill me yaself? E no go betta for - Hello? You hang up? Why you no wait make I finish? Why you no wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.

clemcykul:
well i can speaking better ingilisi since he can't speaky well, i was going to helep him does da toasting beta; all he has to does is to walking up to the girl, smiled at the gorl nd tolding her that her armpit was smelling, den he should come and laf at her with a rotty teeth, den later he suld ask her if si liky the teeth. then he can concluding by tolding her she looks similitude wid mama iyabo husband finis! toasting in english don happen!1

chei i get phd for englishtology

lol this is the joke

na wa o for a sec i thot kulaShaker and : Lexyhearts were friends m e n i was shoched SLUT ke but Kulashaker u cant vex like that now he does not evn know how to spell it.

@ mishoo nice one the joke is really cool n nice pics

@ uzygirl nice one

@ crazykid o boy u re every where ooo
if the amount of post u ve on nairaland can be listed on stock ex mkt boy u go get money o

oh my God nice one
@ofuks
re u sure she is not on nairaland? u want trouble

cool! but but how is it bleeped? wen wat comes after u dont see it is a blessing!

@ lovemajek
i think it is i heard something like that

:p

The Guys' Rules



­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.Now h ere are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note, these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ,

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine, Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."





Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

The real reason Udeme is considered great



Udeme wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Udeme is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Udeme had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of paracetamol next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Udeme sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the paracetamol, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to get provisions to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling!

Love, Ngozi"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Udeme asks, "Son, What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

sorry oooooooooooo the picture didn come on! sorry guys!