₦airaland Forum

Chores kwa? Women have suffered!

Has she finished the chores in her father's house that she will now become househelp in her boyfriend's house? God forbid bad thing!

Thanks to everyone on this thread stating that women are responsible for taking charge to ensure no unwanted pregnancies; emphasis on "unwanted" because we know there are women who will risk and even plan pregnancy for ulterior motives.

Even as a married woman, I am in charge of making sure precautions are in place because I have no wish to go through the hassles of pregnancy, daycare, etc again.

pstmikol1:
Sorry for quoting you here, i really need your help ma. The lockdown met me at school and my food is down now, i phone my parent but they said no money as a result of the lockdown.
Please ma, pity me and anything will be greatly appreciated. 0064555369, union bank. Thanks

I'm sorry. I wish I could help but I'm not able to

sleit:
Hello. How many hours does the rechargeable fan last for?

You mentioned me on a topic that has since been closed so I was not able to respond. Thanks for your comment

Strange con re morality

Irrespective of where your kids are raised, it's your responsibility, your job, to instill good morals. It's not society's. The irony is Nigerian parents with no morals are quick to blame western society when their kids are messed up. If you choose to have kids, it should be because you aim to enrich their lives and be responsible for providing good guidance from an early age.

Exposure to alternative lifestyles -
being a runs girl or fraudster , combining juju with church/mosque are also alternative lifestyles, not just
LGBTQ but living in Naija, those lifestyles are seen as normal and even glorified. A lot of Nigerians do
the same abroad so what is alternative is a matter of perception.


Free health care for kids is not a universal provision abroad. Some countries have it, some don't.

Not everyone qualifies for child benefits, depends on income so again, not universal.

Perhaps the topic should specify which country is being compared with Naija instead of just saying "abroad."

As for curriculum being a con when moving abroad, no issue with transferability. The core subjects (maths, science and English)
are universal at home and abroad. 1+1 =2 anywhere in the world. Differences in social studies are to be expected due to each country's
history and that's all easily learnt when you move abroad. Naija schools just like breaking social studies into multiple subjects.

As for a feeling of not belonging, I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that but I'm sure it's also tied to the generation their parents fall into. For the people I can speak for, own kids, children of family and friends of my generation - what the kids (not even all of them) experience is a curiosity for their parents' homeland which is very different from
a feeling of not belonging. These kids were either born and raised abroad or moved abroad at a very early age often before the age of 5 so this is all they've known. They are very self aware and confident that they are American, Australian, British, Canadian, etc no ambiguity about that. They just know their parents are from Nigeria and therefore Nigerian-American, German-Nigerian, etc.

For the kids I described above (there are different other groups like children of Taliban parents, kids that were transplanted abroad later in life, etc), their loyalty is first to their particular Oyinbo land country and they know they fully belong. Often, it is the parents that are confused because their kids will straight up tell them "I am American, you are the one from Nigeria." No insult, just facts.

sweetmelanin:
ABROAD

Pros
- Quality Education with access to top of the range facilities irrespective of the school your child attends.
- Free Tuition for Primary school, Secondary school and A-levels.
- Exposure to diversity of races and different cultures.
- Better prospects for future career and socio-economic advancement in developed countries due to being integrated in the system from childhood.
- Free healthcare for your kids and other benefits such as the child benefit scheme.

Cons
- Premature exposure to alternative lifestyles such as LGBTQ, choice of gender etc.. from a tender age.
- Your kids could miss out on thier heritage (learning morals and cultural values from home)
- They may also miss out on growing up around thier own kind and that feeling of belonging.


NIGERIA

Pros
- Better prospects for social development + that sense of belonging that comes with growing up around your own kind. Your kids can integrate and make friends with neighbours, cousins and school mates a lot easier.
- Discipline and morality instilled into children in schools and society at large.
- No premature exposure to alternative lifestyles such as LGBTQ etc..
- Strong sense of community "it takes a village to raise a child".
- Extended family: allows you to get more assistance with childcare and not have to do it all alone.

Cons
- You must pay school Fees (the better the school, the higher the fees).
- Non-standardised curriculum - making subjects non-transferable to education systems in other parts of the world.
- Poor quality of education, limited facilities available per student, lack of broadened range of subjects and learning opportunities.
- Minimal support for children with learning disabilities.


As a parent which system would you prefer for your child?

I'm not picking sides but my own is the lessons readers can learn from this drama. Particularly as it relates to the whole "carried her abroad" language.

There are exceptions to the narration below and I realize the current drama is between a couple that got married in Naija, not a new union. My focus is on singles. In general, this is how it plays out:

Some men go abroad, marry for papers either through pretence (essentially romance scam ) or contract. Then they divorce and go and import a girl from Naija, usually arrangee marriage. For some reason, the default is to find a girl whose family is economically disadvantaged and therefore desperate to escape poverty while the man himself will often be from a controlling, local family.

Bobo goes into great debt abroad to woo and marry his import with the tacit agreement that when she lands, she too would contribute to service the gbese. This is not discussed with family members on both sides so everyone just sees bobo spending money like it's growing on trees. The man himself is often the controlling and domineering type with a god complex, afterall he just "rescued" a whole family from poverty by marrying their daughter. The girl may or may not know about his controlling behavior but often does not care either way.

The following paragraph is the important part -

For the girl and her family to have some dignity before and after marriage, her family members, far and wide, should try shake bodi, contribute or carry the marriage expenses. Pay for her passport, visa fees and even ticket sef. Even if it means the girl would pay back as soon as she starts working over there. Remember, this is to preserve your dignity for the future and avoid statements from the man and his family such as "hungry family, poor family, na our son liberate her family from poverty " etc. These statements will be on repeat every time the man or his family have an axe to grind so do the upfront sacrifice to prevent this. Don't forget that in this scenario, his family is already highly involved in facilitating the marriage and already feel entitled. This is what the girl and her family signed up for, no need to pity anybody.

If the girl's family no reach to offer support. Please and please , when your daughter gets to Obodo Oyinbo, as early as possible, she should start sending hard cold cash (not gifts o) to his family members, particularly the ones that know the history. Send them more than the bobo ever spent on her and her family in Naija. This is the "block mouth" money to forestall any future
superiority complex on their part. Even if it meansthe bobo giving her the money in the background to give them.

Then of course, she has to help the bobo's hustle to pay off the wooing and marriage debts. After that, she can turn to help her family. In all these, omoge has to stay humble and respectful. If the marriage crashes for whatever reason, you and your family can carry your head high. Any of his family members that talk anyhow, show them the Western Union of the funds you "gave" them as soon as you arrived or better still remind them of yours and your family's contribution to the marriage and travel expenses. Awoof dey run belle so don't get carried away. Just jeje pay what you owe his people so you can do your love in Tokyo in peace.

Marriages crash every day but don't open your family up to disrespect in the future.

All of the above also applies when it is the guy that is imported, same for each sex.

FireRain:
This is man made decision. It has nothing to do with spirituality.

Try and focus on yourself and ability. People with worse cases have come out shining and you will too. Stay focused

Very true! It is economics, arithmetic

Your Dad has more dependants than he can cater for and for every extra mouth, the opportunity for economic advancement was reduced for those that were already born.

Yes, marriage is soooo worth it but you have to choose the right partner for the journey.

Your problem is not money. The issue is that you have completely
succumbed to the abuse and your mind has come up with a perfect excuse for staying. Truth is, if you had money today, even **** if**** you left, you would go back to him. If you got a high paying job today, it wouldn't mater. If your family rescued you today, you would still go back to him

What you need is the emotional strength to leave. It is in you but it is buried deep. Only you can dig it up and free yourself from the shackles of abuse. You are a victim of abuse who has learnt to live with it. You need to unlearn it

P.S. If this is just about appealing for funds, please disregard the above.

Honesty001:
This is the story of my marital life.I need your advice nairalanders. please no insults.

I married at the age of 23 ,that was immediately I finished nysc.I met my hubby while preparing for law school.He toasted me for a period of two years. I actually refused to date him because I felt he was short, not from a rich home,had an accent, and not really my class. Nevertheless I was sill in constant communication with him.I was very free with him which I regret. During that period he came to Lagos took me out we made out and he was so happy I had agreed. when he went back to his place of work(Anambra) I did not feel happy.I told him I wasn't interested in the relationship.He called my cousin to talk to me .I insulted him and told him I do not love him as he is irritating me,even with all the insult he kept toasting me.

He was very sure I was his wife.He said God showed him in his dream. He told us to fast together so that God can reveal it too me since I wasn't sure.I fasted but nothing was revealed.I followed my sister to a church ,the pastor of the church told me that if I married that suitor coming for me I will regret it. I told him what the pastor said and he started crying begging my sister that he will forever love me.


I told him that if in the next 6months we still communicate that means we are meant to be together. During this period I dated someone else and I was not in communicado with him. Suddenly I felt an urge to call him,even though I did not know that month was the 6 month.I called him and that is how we renewed our communication. He told me too choose between the guy I was dating and him.I choose him and broke up with the guy because I felt the guy was not ready for marriage for the next 5 years, while I was as he was still hustling. I agreed to date him and marry him on the condition that he will not use how I treated him and refused him to judge me. My ex and a male friend a toaster from nysc called me and I warned them to stop calling me.He picked up the call and told them to stop calling.Anyways My father wasn't happy because he felt he was from a poor home,but I didn't care again because I felt he had potentials and that he loved me dearly since he fought for me. He and my mum were close. We did introduction.During nysc I was not allowed to go for any event.He always wanted to know where I was every minute.If I didn't pick my call the series of explanation will be much. Even to attend my pastor's birthday was a problem.I had too beg but it all fell on deaf ears.He will cry when he is upset with me and he will start cursing and swearing for himself.i will beg .My roommate witnessed all these and told me that he was controlling me too much .When I had a quarell with him I told him what she said even though I did not mention her name. Before that I used to gossip about my roommate and neighbours with him.I was so naive,I told him about my past relationships,even about my toasters.I trusted him so much.I thought I was confinding in my best friend.Anyways he made me delete her number and disassociate myself from her after a 3 days quarell.He came down to my place of service and He made me swear with my womb that I never chatted with her after blocking her on WhatsApp.I refused to swear as it is against my principles.I walked out and he dragged me back to the room.

Fastfoward to post marriage he judges me with the past.Talks about how I treated him badly.He doesn't trust me at all.He says I cheated on him by dating the other guy.He dosent like seeing me talk with guys or someone he dosent know.Meanwhile he has a lot of friends I don't know o.He flushed my sim inside toilet and made me change my line and leave Facebook and WhatsApp. He made me leave nairaland too after he saw the p.ms .I don't have any friends.I have no one to confide in. Anytime I talk and he dosent like my point of view he will shout at me and shut me up like I am a dullard,when we are watching news or movie.He hardly apologises or commends me .He is quick to criticize.When he is angry he will refuse to eat my food and I will beg.Even when I am wrong I will beg.He never accepts that he is wrong.I always beg and cry.

when I was pregnant,I was down with malaria a lot of times and couldn't do any chore.He took me for deliverance and acted as if I brought the sickness upon myself.when I tell him how I feel he turns it around and puts the blame on me. He is good with words and manipulative, to the extent I use to think I need a checkup on my brain cos he makes it seem I am forgetful.

The good thing about him is that he is not a womanizer.He provides and works hard for the family.We do not lack any food.

Anything he says I must do it,if I don't do it due to forgetfullness he will say I forgot because I don't respect him and value his words.He is always frowning,even when he comes back from work.He hardly laughs.I am a stay at home mum. I do not have a job yet though I am searching as there are no law firms here as this is a village. I cannot even play with him or confide in him he won't even answer me.If I ask a question he will say why am I asking or ignore me.He says I don't respect him.I do everything in my power to make him feel like the head of the house to my emotional detriment. when I opened up to him that I wanted him to be more caring and loving ,at least to ask how my day was or commend me when taking care of our two kids or even say I look beautiful.He did not accept he was wrong. he kept me malice for almost 3 months giving me silent treatment and I kept to myself.During that period i told him I wanted a seperation as he always threatened me with a divorce.We decided to stay for the kids.when we tried to talk and settle .He slapped me and used a belt on me telling me not to talk while he is talking.He dosent respect me. please ladies before you get married have a good job or a means of livelihood.Even though he sponsored my masters in law .He dosent pray again as he says I made his spiritual life to deplete.He belongs to charismatic.

I am scared of making friends as I feel he may not like it.I am lonely.only my kids keep me company. I have low self esteem.If you see me you won't believe I have masters in law. look soD timid.Do you know he shouts at me in public,in church.

Note-I am very gentle,friendly and free spirited.I play a lot and I like laughing and gisting.He provides food and loves his children so much,he sponsored my masters.He buys me cloths and makes sure I don't lack.He works very hard. If I decide to leave now I have 0 naira in my account.He said he will take the kids.I will be left empty .mature Nairalanders what is your opinion?

bukatyne:


Tomorrow

Looking good, I saw what you did a few pages back You dodged "the garbage truck."

Dyt
I salute your courage. That emotional /mental strength to leave is in short supply for women all over the world, rich or poor, who are victims of abuse

Ybaby:
Yes to be a provider. What is wrong with that?

We all work out of some sort of necessity - he is a child that just earned $500 not standing in the sun but from the comfort of his home, from his skillset.

There are grown men in NG who have not earned $500 this month (N207,000) this young boy will earn it in 4 days and move on to other gigs.

He is strengthen his money making muscles and I love it.

The advantage:
his wife and children will respect him,
he will never have to ask his pregnant wife for transport fair
his wife will never tell him she regrets choosing him and not her rich ex
and many ugly thing I have read on NL

A man needs his wife's respect like humans need oxygen - if you have a son - pls help him strengthen his moneymaking muscle early - do not baby him when it comes to earning.

Ire o

" Ayo ni o" to your "ire o"
I don't agree with you but I like the greeting We'll just have to agree to disagree

How to train the male child to be what? A provider? Odiegwu!

The Bangladeshi is probably working out of necessity. A 13 year old holding a job is not normal unless he/his family need the income. Best to let kids be kids and enjoy their childhood.

Everyone should do what works for them.

All I know is that I'm never doing any hormonal thingy that will make me fat. I work too hard to look the way I want.

Snaagg:
I saw a thread here not long ago about "children are not a retirement plan" or something like that ..
And folks on that thread agreed with the topic, speaking ill of parents and calling them "entitled" etc..

Would those same individuals keep the same energy here? Or would they would hypocritically argue that children must inherit thier parents' wealth..

*Following..

With your reference to those on that thread, I will respond -

I was on that thread and I don't disagree with this topic.

My parents are quite aware that I don't assume any claim to whatever they have. I'm working towards my own future with little regard to inheritance. I have stressed to them that they need to enjoy their remaining days to the utmost, spend the money they have worked for to enjoy their lives . If that means I get nothing, so be it; they already gave us nice childhoods. Now, because they are traditional Naija parents, they have made plans to distribute to their kids but no one is waiting with bated breath for them to pass.

In relation to that other topic, my siblings and I provide monthly financial support to our parents because God has blessed us to make it possible and because we have parents that were generous towards us while growing up. You can't compare that to someone popping out kids they can't provide for, limited opportunities because of a lack of money , then the kid gets a job and you want to kill him or her with demands.

As for our kids, we want to leave an inheritance to them and the bible supports that but only if we can trust them to be good stewards which is why we are working hard to make sure they have the right value system (eg our kids are not being raised with the foolish oppress the poor, be a showoff , live beyond your means mentality). My traditional (on this topic) husband would want to leave everything to them whereas, depending on how much we have when we eventually check out, I would leave some to medical research.

So there you have it- hypocrisy is not automatic to everyone.

Marrying is not the problem. If 2 adults make a conscious decision to join in holy matrimony with no income, good luck to them. The one that concerns me is birthing kids you cannot take care of so that they can share in the suffering.

To prove what? That you can be non rational ( stupid) and fertile at the same time ?

bukatyne
bukatyne
bukatyne

Another round of disgusting nonsense. How do you become entangled in stuff like this? I had no idea you had some notoriety here. Always thought you were just another young lady with old fashioned morals and conservative views.

My dear, you have to learn to ignore and not allow yourself to get on the defensive. Don't let anyone control you with their words. If someone addresses you respectfully, you respond. If they cannot be respectful, you should feel no obligation to acknowledge their words. It's not your fault they have poor communication skills. You simply ignore. If you don't know how, watch me ignore anyone that quotes my post for rubbish or passes snide comments about it Do not feel any obligation to argue and convince. What is that bible verse again about contentious arguments?

You should have better things to do with your time than give audience to trolls. It doesn't take deep thought to know that it's thoroughly distasteful to fight and bully online but people are still going to do it. Why? Hurt people hurt people. Never mind what anyone say, a fulfilled,
happy person does not come online and display thuggery because of a disagreement with another's views. Why then would you get into a back and forth with such characters? You have no influence over their lives but they feel a need to pass vile comments because they don't like what you are saying. That's insane.

Apparently, whatever evil threads you have on here hit a number of people the wrong way thus the caustic reactions. C'est la vie! I don't agree with every single thing you write but I respect and uphold your right to say it. You are not going to be able to convince everyone, even Jesus could not so why get distracted with arguments that are going nowhere?

My eldest once said everyone is entitled to their ignorance. Maybe you are the ignorant, maybe it's me, maybe it's your trolls. Who cares! Everyone should be able to enjoy their ignorance. Being constantly argumentative is caused by pride and ego. You know what I've learnt? The smartest people on earth avoid arguments and they are some of the most broad minded persons you will ever meet but empty barrels must to make the most noise! It is a natural act. Don't be tempted to waste your non renewable resource (TIME) on catty arguments. You were made for more.

Like my pastor says, if people can freely boast about degenerate behavior, what is stopping you from speaking about non degenerate behavior? If interpretation of degenerate differs, so be it, differences are allowed.

In summary, learn to ignore. Enjoy your life and use your time wisely


Lest I forget, congrats on your perfect marriage Forget what anyone says, no one enters marriage praying for it to not be
perfect. Na condition dey make crayfish bend.

squillaci

Can’t access my email

Creeza:
Amen o, God will continue to bless you MMotimo. Thank you Ma. Wherever you are! May your pocket never run dry in Jesus Name Amen.

Amen and same to you.

Fun fact - I first “saw” you both on the same thread. You were hurt and Ejenavi18 defended/vouched for you.

It’s good to see that you’re not allowing yourself to be guilt tripped, thumbs up!

Weight is a very touchy topic for women the world over but somehow, perhaps because a lot of brothers prefer thick; black women are able to sing “I’m sexy and I know it” no matter how big they get as long as the makeup, clothes, hair and nails are taken care of. While the continued confidence despite expanding size is great, it often comes with self denial and an inability to accept responsibility for the continued increase in size. We just keep buying larger clothes which in itself is a big problem. This all works fine unless you are married to a man who does not like “fat sex.”

I’m a black woman too so I’m not knocking anybody and I would find it very difficult to tolerate a fat or pot bellied husband. I have been pregnant and I have kids so I know all about what happens to the body however that experience does not condemn you to a life of fat. Staying in shape takes time, sacrifice and commitment. It is not a walk in the park. If it were easy, everyone would do it.

I hope you and your wife find a workable solution, don’t give up on her. Hopefully, she has the right support around her and she’s not listening to anyone telling her to “rock her fat” because she birthed a child.

Some people like fat sex, some don’t. Like you said, some like eba and some like fufu.

Sepsis:
You don’t have to be condescending you know that? Like it’s totally unnecessary.